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00:00One for you, sir.
00:13Thanks, Tasha.
00:13Dear Graham, it has been three months now since I last heard from you, and I don't know
00:32how I shall fare if I don't hear from you soon.
00:34I know the war plays havoc with the mail, but not a day goes by when I don't sit by
00:40the window, hoping and praying for the postman to blow his whistle outside our house.
00:46Still, I mustn't, Graham.
00:48Timmy is well and asks after his daddy constantly, and I don't know how I shall fare if I don't
00:53hear from you soon.
00:54Do you mind?
00:56Oh.
00:57It's the McCullough program with two M's and an E. Tonight starring John Cox, Dragon
01:06Siloskovic, Ron Ulmer, the Trevor Clavel Orchestra, Cloris Punt, Brian Uble, the Narelle Hoare
01:13Dancers, Mycroft Swill, Gene, Mackenzie and Apostopoulos, Greg Hogg, Jill Fitzner, Alec Babbage
01:22and Chico, Eric Stuhl, the Flying Smiths, and great music from Paraclete.
01:28But right now, here he is, the star of the show, DeWance's name!
01:35Thank you very much indeed, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank
01:44you.
01:45How about a hand for the boys from St John's Ambulance?
01:49Fantastic.
01:50They do a great job.
01:51They do.
01:52Great job.
01:53And guys, your annual appeal coming up this weekend, isn't it?
01:57No.
01:58No?
01:59No?
02:00I just, you know, I assume that we, uh, why don't we...
02:03We were on our way to a three-car pileup when your producer waved us down.
02:06We'd better go, actually.
02:07Yeah, that's okay.
02:08Actually, just before you go, guys, look, uh, are you, are you, do you, are you guys related
02:12at all or have anything to do with, uh, St John's Wart?
02:15It's, um, it's a, it's a very popular herb.
02:19No.
02:20No?
02:21No.
02:22What about, uh, what about St Vitus Dance?
02:24Do you, do you know that, do you know how to do it?
02:27No.
02:28Yes, you do.
02:29Being shy, we want to see them do the St Vitus Dance, don't we?
02:32Yeah!
02:33Go ahead.
02:34We've got to go.
02:35Yeah, sure, sure.
02:36We've got to go.
02:37Yeah, sure, sure.
02:38We've got to go.
02:39Thank you very much.
02:40Off you often for wishing some John's Ambulance there.
02:41Great sports.
02:42Great sports.
02:43Fantastic.
02:44Put that down.
02:45Excuse me.
02:46Mmm.
02:47A little bit salty.
02:48Okay.
02:49Uh, did, uh, anyone read the news today?
02:51No one.
02:52Well, there goes that material.
02:53Okay.
02:54Uh, straight to the sketches then.
02:58Uh, I haven't got any money.
03:00Yeah, you're all right.
03:01Go on.
03:02No, I mean, can you lend me 20 bucks?
03:05Sorry.
03:06Oh, it's okay.
03:07Thanks.
03:08Oh.
03:09Thanks for the effort.
03:10Sorry.
03:11Thanks, honey.
03:12Don't.
03:13Okay, uh, straight to the sketches then.
03:14Okay.
03:15Uh, I haven't got any money.
03:16Yeah, you're all right.
03:17Go on.
03:18No, I meant, can you lend me 20 bucks?
03:20Sorry.
03:21Thanks.
03:22Thanks.
03:23Laughter
03:24Thanks.
03:33As recently as 19-whatever-it-is,
03:36check on this before recording, don't say this, obviously,
03:38one of the greatest mysteries in Australian political history occurred,
03:42until now.
03:43Harold Holt was born Harold Holt on, check this date as well.
03:47Though his surname phonetically suggests otherwise,
03:49young Harold was go-go-go in nature and captivity.
03:52And it was only a matter of time until he turned 59.
03:55It was then he became Prime Minister.
04:02It's no secret that Holt wanted to get Australia out of Vietnam.
04:05An expert on plate tectonics could have told him it was never there in the first place.
04:09But he was a man who knew his mind, although not intimately.
04:12And geology and politics have traditionally been strange bedfellows.
04:15As are these two.
04:18Of all Australia's Prime Ministers,
04:20Sir Robert Menzies is certainly one of them.
04:22Twice, in fact.
04:23Pig Eye and Bob, so called for his penchant for bacon and neatly pressed clothing,
04:28introduced conscription to a country who didn't want to meet it.
04:31It was Menzies who said of Queen Elizabeth,
04:33I did but see her passing by,
04:35but I'll love her till the day I die.
04:37Fortunately for Her Majesty,
04:39that day came on January the 6th, 1972,
04:42and there was no need for a restraining order.
04:45There has been a shitload of theories
04:46as to what happened to Harold Holt.
04:48Some say he was taken by a Chinese midget submarine.
04:52Others say it was just a Chinese midget.
04:54Whatever the method of removal from office,
04:56it left a hole in the fabric of Australian politics
04:58and an unattended towel on the beach
05:00that is felt to disfell the day.
05:02Act nought there, the gurgitator.
05:26Does what you swallow come back out at all?
05:28Eventually.
05:29Yes, mostly.
05:34Betty Woon joins me now with the anti-snoring pillow.
05:38Betty, it sounds like a terrific idea.
05:39How does it work?
05:41Well, Sean, you simply place the anti-snore pillow
05:43over your husband's face and press down firmly
05:46for five minutes.
05:48Fantastic. Sounds like a great idea.
05:51Well, thank you, Betty.
05:55In an attempt to give the show a live feel,
05:58Wayne Hope is outside somewhere.
05:59Are you there, Wayne?
06:00Hey, I sure am, Sean.
06:01OK, what have you got for us, buddy?
06:02Well, I thought what I'd do is I'd knock on the door
06:05of one of these flats here
06:06and see if anyone will let us in.
06:09OK.
06:09And all of this is unprepared, isn't it?
06:11Oh, yes, it certainly is.
06:12I don't know who we're going to meet.
06:12Maybe an axe murderer.
06:13Hope not.
06:15Why?
06:15Why is that?
06:17Well, because, I don't know, it might kill me.
06:20Sorry, I thought you must have had a funny line prepared
06:22because it was such a vacuous comment.
06:25All right.
06:25OK, buddy, off you go then.
06:28Buddy.
06:29OK, well, why not let's have a look
06:31and see if anyone's home at number three.
06:33Good at living.
06:37Hey, g'day.
06:37Hey.
06:38I'm Wayne Hope from the McAuliffe program.
06:40Can we come in?
06:41Oh, yeah.
06:42Yeah, sweet.
06:43Sure.
06:43Thanks, mate.
06:46Holy dooly.
06:49Um, wow.
06:50So, this is your love shack, is it?
06:54It's a TV show.
06:56Yes, we are.
06:56It's the McAuliffe program.
06:58McAuliffe.
07:00In the ABC?
07:02Yeah, I like Mick Mawai.
07:04He cracks me up.
07:05That guy.
07:05Yeah, move it on, Wayne.
07:06He's plugging another show.
07:07Come on.
07:08Yeah.
07:09Ask him his name.
07:10Yes, I was just going to do that, Sean.
07:11Yeah, we'll do it then.
07:12Yes, thank you.
07:12I just want to say thanks.
07:14Hurry up.
07:14What's your name?
07:15Martin.
07:16Hi, Martin.
07:17Sean says hi.
07:18That's Sean McAuliffe.
07:21Who is?
07:22Oh, beg your pardon.
07:23Sorry, he's in my earpiece.
07:24You can't hear that.
07:25You're dying, Wayne.
07:26Describe what's happening there.
07:28Right.
07:28Well, uh, not much by the looks of things, Sean.
07:32Certainly not a lot of cleaning.
07:35So you're not into the tidying up there, Martin.
07:37Yeah, don't be too mean to him.
07:38We'll get letters, Wayne.
07:40Pull back a little bit.
07:41So, mate, what do you do for a crust?
07:43It's not a wheel segment, Wayne.
07:45Come on.
07:46Draw your inspiration from your surroundings.
07:49Look, go, go, look, see, there's a fridge behind you.
07:51Go and make some disparaging comments.
07:53Open it up.
07:53Have a look in there.
07:54That's always very funny.
07:55Open it up there.
07:56Yes, all right, OK.
07:56Hurry up.
07:57OK.
07:57Come on.
07:58OK.
07:58Move, move, move.
07:59Who are you talking to?
08:01I'm talking to Sean McAuliffe.
08:02He's an entertainer, apparently.
08:06And be a bit funnier, Wayne.
08:09OK.
08:10Well, what have we got here?
08:13So, you're a gourmet chef.
08:14Funnier, not tedious.
08:18Mate, whoa, look in here.
08:21When was the last time you did some shopping?
08:23A couple of weeks ago.
08:25Two weeks?
08:26Mate, why's that?
08:27Certainly not because you've been too busy cleaning, that's for sure.
08:30This better be good.
08:31I haven't got any money.
08:32What's that?
08:33I haven't got any money.
08:34Jesus.
08:38Right.
08:39Right.
08:39Um, OK.
08:41You, uh...
08:42You're working at the moment?
08:47Um, no, because I lost my job at it a month ago.
08:51I retrenched.
08:52Yeah.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Yeah.
08:58That's, uh...
09:00That's not too good, is it?
09:03Do a slow zoom in.
09:04Do a slow zoom in.
09:05It's sad.
09:06A bit depressing.
09:09It certainly is.
09:10It certainly is.
09:11It's hard times for all of us.
09:14Look, thanks very much, Martin.
09:16We appreciate the time you've given us.
09:18All the best in the future.
09:19Back to you, Sean.
09:22Wayne Hope there, with an important story on the human face of unemployment.
09:28No, that's, uh, it's inappropriate now.
09:32Mr Speaker, if I could...
09:35Mr Speaker, if, uh...
09:39Mr Speaker, if I could remind the Honourable Member...
09:43Mr Speaker, if I could remind...
09:49Mr Speaker, if I could remind the Honourable Member...
09:52Mr Speaker, if I could remind the Honourable Member that he...
09:56Mr Speaker, if I could remind the Honourable Member...
09:59Mr Speaker, if I could...
10:03Would you shut up?
10:06Mr Speaker...
10:07The Honourable Member's time has expired.
10:10Jism.
10:10I'm just going to get a drink.
10:24Does anyone want a tear of coffee?
10:25Tea, please.
10:26Tea.
10:26Coffee.
10:27Tea.
10:28Coffee.
10:28Tea.
10:29Coffee.
10:30No.
10:30Tea.
10:31Coffee.
10:32Tea.
10:32No.
10:33OK, milk anyone?
10:35Yep.
10:36No.
10:36No.
10:37No, thanks.
10:37Yep.
10:38No.
10:38Yep.
10:39No.
10:40Yep.
10:41Yes.
10:41No.
10:42Yep.
10:43OK, sugar?
10:44No.
10:45Two.
10:46One.
10:46No.
10:47One and a half.
10:48Two.
10:49Yep.
10:49Half.
10:50One.
10:50No.
10:51Two, please.
10:52One and a half.
10:53One.
10:54Okie dokie.
10:55OK.
10:55OK.
10:55Oh, sorry, I forgot.
11:22Welcome back.
11:23I'm with Wayne Hope again.
11:24Good to see you, Wayne.
11:25Thanks, Sean.
11:25Now, Wayne, I understand you had a bit of a cold earlier this week.
11:28I did.
11:29I really did.
11:29I started off with a bit of a runny nose.
11:31Yep.
11:33And I got this mild sort of headache.
11:34And then it moved into the throat.
11:35At first it was like up the top, a little bit burning.
11:37It's OK, she's here.
11:38You can piss off me.
11:41Well, well, she's Australia's fourth highest ranked woman's tennis player.
11:46And she's also ranked number 776 of the world.
11:49Please give a warm of the McCullough program welcome to Trish Phelan.
11:53She's just a devil woman with people on her mind.
11:57You have a devil woman.
11:59Please sit down.
12:01I should explain, I didn't, I didn't, I mean, I didn't know the song was going to be devil
12:05woman.
12:05I told him to pick a Cliff Richard song because, you know, he went out for a while with Sue
12:09Barker, who was the British number one champion.
12:12So I thought there'd be a link there, but I assumed they'd pick Liv and Doll or Summer
12:16Holiday or Wide for Sound or something.
12:21What's up?
12:22Did you get a problem there?
12:23Oh, there just seemed, there's, oh.
12:27Sorry, I haven't worn these panties for a while.
12:33See that camera there?
12:34That's a tennis ball.
12:35So, I suppose, you know, what you wanted to convey was that these were supposedly left
12:39over from a game that you played.
12:42Was that the idea?
12:45That was the idea, yeah.
12:46It's a good gag, nice gag, very funny.
12:49Good to get a laugh in early.
12:51Really should have checked it with us before you did it.
12:54So, good on you.
12:55Good on you for giving it a go.
12:57Now, Trish, you're 27 years old.
13:00You're ranked number 4 in Australia.
13:02That's right.
13:02Ah, but you never got past the second round of any ATP tournament.
13:06What does that say about the standard of women's tennis in Australia?
13:11Obviously, it doesn't say it's very good, does it?
13:15Well, no, but I think all the Australian girls are trying our best and, you know, can't do
13:21more than that.
13:22Yes, but, you know, if your best's not good enough, that doesn't do us much good, does it?
13:26Not trying to give you a hard time, you know, I appreciate, you know, it can't be easy,
13:29you know, when all of Australia wants you to do well in the tournament.
13:32And, uh, you keep losing and losing and losing.
13:38But, you know, I guess the question I want to put to you is, Trish, you know, when are
13:42we going to get a young Aussie girl who can compete with your Hingises and your Davenports
13:46and your Celeses?
13:47When's that going to happen?
13:48Well, Helena Dockich has done pretty well.
13:50Yeah, but, you know, that's because she was born in Yugoslavia.
13:52I mean, an Aussie-born, home-grown bit of talent.
13:57Well, um, I don't know, but, um, you know, we're certainly trying.
14:02Yeah, but that's not good enough, is it?
14:04Well, what do you, what do you want?
14:08I mean...
14:08Well, win?
14:10Be nice.
14:11Well, I mean, we can't do much more than we're doing, can we?
14:14Well, so why aren't you winning?
14:16Well...
14:17Why are you losing?
14:19Well, I don't know, I mean, we're trying, we're doing the best we can.
14:23Maybe you're not good enough.
14:25Well, I mean, you know, is that our fault?
14:29Well, it's not mine.
14:32I mean, really, obviously it's a sore point.
14:35I'm sorry to raise it, but, you know, you might have expected it would have been Rose coming on the show,
14:39being the tennis player, you know.
14:41But we'll leave it.
14:42That's fine.
14:43Now, uh, Anna Kournikova.
14:47You've met her.
14:48What's she like?
14:49Um, yeah, she's nice.
14:51Is she?
14:51Yeah.
14:51Yeah, I thought she'd be nice.
14:54She looks like she's nice.
14:55Do you think there are any young, Aussie-born girls coming through the ranks who might one day rival her?
15:01Well, not just in the looks department, I mean, with the ability she has.
15:05Well, yeah, but also, I mean, I don't think she's ever won an ATP tournament or anything like that.
15:11Ooh.
15:12Meow.
15:15No, I just...
15:16I just mean that I think she...
15:19What I'm saying is that I just think she gets a lot of publicity for someone who's not even ranked in the top ten.
15:44Well, she's ranked, uh, seven hundred and sixty-four places higher than you.
15:49That's what the f***!
15:52That was extremely immature.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58I think if you're going to act like an adolescent, you should make sure it's Martina Hingis.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:09Thanks.
16:10Thank you very much.
16:13Next, please.
16:14Hello.
16:15Hi.
16:16Look, I'm in a real bind.
16:17I need this cheque cash today.
16:20Today?
16:20Oh, that could be a bit of a problem.
16:22Yeah, I know.
16:22It normally takes four days to clear the cheque, but I really need it done today, otherwise my electricity's going to get cut off.
16:29I'll need it in the next hour.
16:30Well, and you have no other funds you can draw from?
16:33No, or I haven't got any money in my other accounts.
16:35Um, look, you recognise me.
16:37I come here all the time.
16:38Um, I've got ID, if you want.
16:40Are you a ventriloquist?
16:41No, why?
16:42Oh, you didn't do it just then, but you're talking out of sync or something.
16:46Ask me about the cheque again.
16:47Look, I need you to cash this cheque, otherwise the electricity's going to get cut off in my house.
16:50There, you did it just then.
16:53Did what?
16:54Oh, no, you didn't do it then, but, look, say what you said again, but don't cut to a close-up of you.
17:00Look, are you going to cash this cheque, otherwise I'm happy to go somewhere else.
17:04Oh, you're weird.
17:06I'm not weird.
17:07Well, yeah, will you turn around and have a look at yourself talking?
17:12Are you going to cash this cheque or not?
17:14Because, ooh, I am weird.
17:20OK, welcome back to Non-Sequidur Family Feud.
17:23Now, the gastropod family are our current leaders on 93 points as we move into the second round.
17:28All right, now we're after the ten most infrequent responses to this.
17:32Something you plug in all day.
17:34Something you plug in all day.
17:36The ten most infrequent responses to something you'd plug in all day.
17:41Roger.
17:42Paleontology, Lewis Carroll, Baptism, Street Directory, Lawn, Atlantis, I Like Butterscotch, Crumpets, 1832, Mules.
17:52Not sure about that, excuse me.
17:57Hi, I'd like to book in for a haircut.
17:58A near tragedy on Edgware Road, the scene of yet another gas leak.
18:06Earlier today...
18:07Today, sorry.
18:09A near tragedy on Edgware Road, the scene of yet another gas leak.
18:13Earlier today...
18:14Octogene...
18:15Octo...
18:15Sorry.
18:16A near tragedy on Edgware Road, the seat of...
18:19Seat.
18:20Sorry, scene.
18:21A near tragedy on Edgware Road, the scene of yet another gas leak.
18:24Earlier today...
18:25Octogene...
18:26Octo...
18:27Oh, fucker.
18:29Excuse me, fellas.
18:33A near tragedy on Edgware Road,
18:36the scene of yet another gas leak.
18:38Earlier today, a noctoconac...
18:40Sorry, sorry.
18:42A near tragedy on Edgware Road,
18:44the scene of yet another tragedy.
18:47Earlier today, octogenarian Charles Garb...
18:50Sorry!
18:52A near tragedy on Wedgwood...
18:55Wedgwood...
18:56Sorry, I said Wedgwood instead of Edgware.
19:00A near tragedy on Edgware Road,
19:02the scene of yet another gas leak.
19:04Earlier today, a noctoconac...
19:04I'll get a vein.
19:04Quick!
19:05Do you have to be so loud?
19:10Tragedy on Edgware Road,
19:11the scene of yet another fatal gas leak.
19:14A near tragedy on Edgware Road,
19:15the scene of yet another fatal gas leak.
19:18The deadly fumes.
19:19OK, now time for a bit of audience participation
19:21with a little game I like to call Last Person Standing.
19:24So, if you'd all like to join in.
19:26Everybody, please stand up.
19:27And, uh...
19:28That's it.
19:29There's a bit of a prize in it for the Last Person Standing.
19:31Hence the name.
19:32So, uh...
19:33I'll ask a question.
19:34Uh...
19:35Sit down if you were born in the month of April.
19:38Well, congratulations, sir.
19:44April, sorry.
19:49OK, well, uh...
19:51Well, prize will jackpot next week.
19:53And, uh...
19:54And, uh...
19:55That's good.
19:56Sit yourself down, Flora.
20:16There'll be time enough for hand-wringing later.
20:19Mr. Statler is to come down from London this morning, Father.
20:22He is to bring me a gift,
20:24though what it is I cannot but imagine.
20:27Oh, Papa, do you suppose?
20:29I do very well suppose,
20:31and you should think so, too.
20:32How could he not be offering you his hand?
20:35And a fine engagement present, too, I'll warrant.
20:38Oh, Papa, do you think so?
20:40He is a handsome man,
20:42and quite the gentleman, too.
20:43He rescued Daisy from the bog.
20:46Oh, I feel quite queer.
20:50My heart.
20:50Oh, now, now, girl.
20:54Don't get yourself into a tither.
20:56There'll be...
20:58You mustn't distress yourself.
21:00Or shall I have to call Dr. Witherspoon?
21:04Oh, Flora, dear.
21:08What's the matter?
21:09Calm yourself, woman.
21:11Flora's youth is all.
21:12It is but a passing spell.
21:14Are you upset, dear?
21:15Perhaps she should be lying down.
21:16A recuperative brandy will slake her vapours.
21:19It says, fetch in at once, woman.
21:20It's on the sideboard.
21:22The cyborg?
21:23Oh, I'll get myself.
21:25Come, dear.
21:26You should be lying down.
21:30Begging your card in, ma'am?
21:32Captain Billings-Smith is here to pay a call on Daisy, ma'am.
21:35Oh, well, then you and fetch her at once, Mrs. Bruin.
21:38Captain!
21:45Captain!
21:46Oh, yes.
21:47Welcome.
21:49Thank you very much, ma'am, Mrs. Pollock.
21:52It is an unalloyed delight to meet you, as always.
21:55Oh, you're quite a surprise.
21:57Of course, you know my younger daughter, Flora.
22:00Yes, indeed, an absolute, abject pleasure to meet you.
22:04I remember meeting young Daisy when I rescued her from the bog.
22:08And she has grown into quite the flower, too, I'd warrant.
22:12Now, would you care for a sherry, gentlemen?
22:13Ah, of course, I did not see you there.
22:17My eye was diverted by such beauteous plants.
22:19I fail to note the sturdy oak in this garden.
22:21England finds you well?
22:25As ill as I find it.
22:28Your health, sir.
22:30Miss Daisy has just returned from gargling the hounds, ma'am.
22:40Captain Billings-Smith, this is such a surprise.
22:44But then, you were always a surprise.
22:48A pleasant one, I trust.
22:51I recently came back from, uh, the Orient.
22:56I think you may enjoy these flowers.
22:58I do hope you accept them.
23:00Oh, they are beautiful, darling.
23:02I'll take her.
23:04Oh, they are beautiful.
23:06Mrs. Broome, please put these in water
23:09and set them in a vase on the sideboard.
23:11The cyborg, madam.
23:13Or perhaps the mantle.
23:14Yes, it is the very place.
23:16Yes.
23:16In the meantime, let us have some merriment.
23:18We're expecting Mr. Statler from London before the noon.
23:21So, to set us in the mood to receive him,
23:23perhaps Flora might play for us.
23:25Let us all make ourselves comfortable.
23:28That's a boy.
23:30Meow.
23:34Miss Daisy,
23:36may I have the pleasure of this dance?
23:38Of course.
23:40Excuse me, ma'am.
24:07Sir, Miss Flora, Miss Daisy,
24:09Captain Billing-Smythe,
24:10will you be taking tea?
24:12No, thank you, Hartley.
24:13Very good, sir.
24:16We shall wait until Mr. Statler arrives from London.
24:24We shan't have to wait much longer.
24:25My darling, Flora.
24:32What gift have you brought for me, Mr. Statler?
24:34I can scarcely contain my excitement.
24:36Flora, dear, your manners.
24:38No, Madam Ponk.
24:40It is quite all right.
24:41I have in fact brought something that all of you here
24:43at Spiffington Mance may enjoy.
24:47Bring it in.
24:48All right, bless my salt.
24:55It's exactly what we need.
24:56Some more furniture.
24:57We're going to get next to the side.
25:00APPLAUSE
25:01Thank you, Francis.
25:15Enid Drubbin of Fox Bay used to be a size 18,
25:17but now after only one month,
25:19she's down to a size 8.
25:21Her secret?
25:23Dysentery.
25:23Well, that's all we have for you tonight.
25:27A happy coincidence,
25:28given that this is in fact the end of the show.
25:30Couldn't have planned it better, really.
25:32So from myself, Sean McAuliffe,
25:33Wayne, Ros, Francis...
25:35Sorry, who are you?
25:37Lynne Claxton.
25:38And what are you doing here?
25:40I'm here to see Dr. McGarry.
25:46Right.
25:47OK, so from all of us here, good night.
25:49APPLAUSE
25:51Eh, eh, eh.
26:20Oh, sorry.
26:32Oh, sorry.