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00:00opening titles to base we have a problem roger opening titles we're on our way
00:30and now here he is sean mcala
01:00thank you very much thank you
01:11thank you very much indeed i don't want to i don't want to exaggerate here this evening but i think
01:25we've got a reasonably okay show tonight now tonight is a very very special day it is the
01:31anniversary of the birth of the world's greatest entertainer al jolson
01:34thank you for him thank you thank you thank you you know if al jolson were singing today he'd no
01:45doubt be treated as some sort of medical curiosity a singing corpse be an awful existence for him
01:50and uh i think it's a mercy he went when he did he was however a great influence on my career
01:57and i think yes there we are al jolson in makeup on the left and not in makeup on the right
02:03my right your left as you look at it hang on as you look at it al jolson is in makeup is on your
02:10right which is camera left sort of like a mirror oh look hell that's al jolson in makeup there
02:16and that's al jolson not in makeup there actually that's eddie canter that it doesn't look anyway
02:20it's reasonably obvious by looking at it you can tell which is which jesus but be that as it may
02:27i thought this evening that it would only be fit and proper to do a musical tribute to jolson's memory
02:32in the form of a medley of black and white minstrel numbers uh but i was i was overruled by
02:37management uh apparently too politically incorrect and uh too expensive so uh sorry about that wayne
02:45uh we've dropped it wherever you are and uh here instead is some pre-recorded material
02:51last week 26 year old vince freeman a key cutter and shoe repairist struck a blow for men in the
03:06battle of the sexes by becoming the first man to be crowned miss nude australia
03:10it was a surprise yes but i'd given myself an outside chance because i knew i'd raise a lot of
03:28money and well the miss nude quest is not about how you look everyone who enters does it to raise
03:33money for some very worthy causes i mean the fact we're naked is it's neither here nor there
03:38it's actually bloody hard work i mean fundraising isn't easy these days because there's so many
03:47demands on people's money but there are also a lot of demands on vince he must attend numerous
03:54social functions make personal appearances and continue his charitable wing of the prince
03:58edward hospital now open but vince's real love is people particularly those who are most in need
04:07some people get a bit funny about my nudity but after a while they generally accept that complete
04:26nakedness and helping the underprivileged go hand in hand hey there you go look at that but look i do
04:32want to make it clear that i'm only nude when working in my capacity as miss nude australia i mean
04:37i i don't work nude at mr keys that would be highly improper but look i think the boys here do
04:44understand the distinction and really they respect the work that i'm doing more great nude boy
04:49what was that supposed to be it's a dragon it's a chinese dragon well it's appalling you could see
05:13your legs hanging down from below the costume and you know that sort of thing's really only going to
05:17work with computer animation no score
05:20well just how uncaring can some people be we sent ross hammond up with a six-month-old baby
05:30and lifted on a median strip in busy traffic
05:32as you can see no one stopped to help
05:36ross an incredible lack of concern for human life
05:39oh well disturbing isn't it sure
05:41what on earth are people thinking these days
05:43oh well i don't think people are thinking and i think that's the problem
05:47any word on the baby
05:48uh no as far as i know the baby is still out there so we can
05:54really just pray for it at this stage
05:57staggering thoughtlessness
05:59oh yes please
06:06i think you've had enough dear
06:09no i'm fine
06:10who's from 57 latua
06:13thank you okay
06:14i'll just pop down the cellar
06:16be careful
06:18i'm fine
06:19i'm fine
06:32i'm fine
06:35oh
06:35Oh, my God.
07:05Oh, my God.
07:35Oh, my God.
08:05Oh, my God.
08:35Oh, my God.
09:05Oh, my God.
09:35She's just released a new CD.
09:37It's entitled, Laugh Your Guts Up.
09:39There we are.
09:40And she's here joining us now to promote that CD as part of our national tour.
09:43So please welcome Ms Jean Steep.
09:45Hi, how are you all tonight?
09:53Good?
09:54Good.
09:55Good.
09:55Excellent.
09:56Nearly didn't make it here tonight.
09:58Nearly didn't make it.
09:58Had a bit of a crisis.
10:00Couldn't decide which pair of shoes to wear.
10:03You know how it is.
10:03Girls do.
10:04I wear the patent leather or the lace-up sand shoe.
10:07So I compromised.
10:09Wore one of each.
10:11Yeah, what else?
10:13Oh, yeah.
10:14Had a good night the other night.
10:15Boyfriend took me out for dinner.
10:16Very nice.
10:17Yeah.
10:18To a tabletop dancing venue.
10:19Actually, I think I saw you there, Sean, the other night, didn't I?
10:24What?
10:26I think I saw you there the other night at the tabletop dancing venue.
10:30Gene, you're on so I can have a bit of a relief from hosting the show.
10:35So, you know, we pay you $500 for three minutes so I can prepare for the next interview.
10:42I don't want to be unkind but you might like to show a bit of professionalism and get some laughs on your own merits instead of dragging me into your act.
10:53Okay.
10:54Oh, sorry.
10:54While we've broken, Gene, just a bit of comedy advice for you.
10:58Easiest thing in the world to get a dirty laugh.
11:01Tabletop venues and all that sort of thing.
11:02I wouldn't.
11:03If it was me, I wouldn't be working blue like that.
11:07You know.
11:07It's up to you, obviously.
11:09You know.
11:09You got your act.
11:10You got it all worked out.
11:11It's just.
11:11And here's just another little hint.
11:14Doing a gag about me going to a tour, that sort of venue, is comedically weak.
11:19It'll weaken your joke because it's not likely the audience will accept that I would go to such a place.
11:23So it just weakens your opening jokes.
11:25You really got to build.
11:26You got to open a bit stronger.
11:27Just in future.
11:28You got to open a bit stronger and then sort of build to a crescendo.
11:31But as I say, it's your act.
11:33So on you go.
11:34Sorry.
11:35Sorry, Sean.
11:35It's all right.
11:36It's all right.
11:40All right.
11:40What else is funny?
11:46Dog.
11:46Oh, dear.
11:47Oh, dear.
12:01The very funny, Gene Steep.
12:04Look, I don't care about valve pressure.
12:06Obviously, our monitoring systems are inadequate.
12:08They're perfectly adequate.
12:09The problem is the on-floor practice.
12:11No, the problem is no guardrails, poor ventilation and bad training.
12:15Yeah, but the monitoring system is...
12:16How do you expect someone to work a 16-hour shift and then not go and miss a valve reading?
12:20Yeah, but the problem is not with the monitoring system.
12:22That's my point.
12:23Look, we are 120 man-hours down.
12:25That's not our fault.
12:26Workers are getting injured.
12:27Dave Lemberg almost got killed last week.
12:29But if there's an inquiry...
12:30Which there will be.
12:31Then I want to know all of the weaknesses in our safety practices before I have to give evidence.
12:36I'm not going to be made to look a fool.
12:38Yeah, we'll do it on your head.
12:43And welcome back.
12:44Well, before the break, we ask for your information on any police brutality or police corruption
12:48or any criminal activity involving police officers, of which you, the public, were aware.
12:53And we have word now from Sergeant Colin Drilby.
12:56What sort of response have we had?
12:58We've logged no calls at all, Sean.
13:01Very poor response so far.
13:03Well, I suppose that's good to hear.
13:06It's good to hear.
13:09Yes, it's very enjoyable.
13:13And finally, leaving the matter of police corruption for the moment,
13:16what response have we had to the Appeal for Information on the Cabelli Park burglar?
13:22They're seen there wearing a light T-shirt, jeans and runners.
13:25Well, Sean, we've had a number of excellent responses,
13:28with several callers reporting positive sightings of this man
13:30in the vicinity of the Myers shop front window.
13:33Terrific, fantastic, sometimes naked.
13:36Disgusting.
13:37Well, Sergeant, good luck finding the man you're after.
13:44Oh, yeah.
13:46See what you mean, Earth.
13:48Thanks.
14:06That's supposed to sound like me, is it?
14:08Shit-ass.
14:08Look, before we go on, we don't usually do this sort of thing.
14:17I'd normally find it a bit self-indulgent, and I loathe that.
14:20But when someone associated with the program has to leave us,
14:23I think it's appropriate to stop
14:24and thank them for their contribution and wish them well.
14:27So where...
14:28I don't know I'm going to do this, by the way.
14:29Reg, our security man, told me this.
14:31Where's Mark Armstrong?
14:33Come on.
14:33Don't be ashamed, mate.
14:34Stand up.
14:34Mark, for those of you who don't know,
14:37is a member of tonight's audience
14:38and, for one reason or another, has to leave.
14:44Mark, sorry to see you go, mate.
14:46It's been a pleasure.
14:48And the boys upstairs have put a little package together for you
14:51as a sort of tribute.
14:52I hope you enjoy it.
15:15Well, from all of us here, Mark,
15:17I want you to accept this
15:18and our best wishes in whatever it is you...
15:21Why are you leaving?
15:22Oh, no reason.
15:23I just got a bit sick of it, you know.
15:25Well, Mark Armstrong, everybody.
15:27Mark.
15:28Thank you so much.
15:35Well, it could only happen in America.
15:38A Florida man was winched from his home yesterday.
15:40He weighed 550 pounds
15:42and on his back and buttocks,
15:43doctors found 2,073 bedsores.
15:47Francis Greenslade has more.
15:49But that's by the by.
15:54Tim Rogers.
15:55He says he feels like an old football
15:57that no-one wants to kick around anymore.
15:59Not the best lyrics in the world
16:00because that could actually be a relief
16:02and not the feeling of abandonment
16:03I think Tim was trying to capture there.
16:05But let's put that to one side
16:06because he's attempting a solo career now
16:08and we should be supportive.
16:09Please welcome Tim Rogers.
16:12Tim, welcome to the show.
16:25If I could open with a question.
16:28What's the biggest crowd
16:29you've ever played to as a musician, Tim?
16:32Probably about 50,000 at a festival
16:34a couple of years ago.
16:35Yeah, that's a lot.
16:40How many songs have you written
16:42do you think in your lifetime?
16:47About 100, I guess.
16:49Gee.
16:51Impressive number.
16:53That's a lot.
16:54Now Tim, this is one out of left field.
16:56If your house was on fire
16:58what item would you save first?
17:01Uh, uh, a guitar.
17:06Right.
17:07I guess.
17:07And this fire,
17:09what do you think might have caused it?
17:11An electrical fault
17:13or perhaps it was deliberately lit?
17:16Uh, I don't know.
17:18Well, do you have any enemies
17:19that might want to see harm
17:21come to you in this way?
17:24No.
17:25Yeah, but hypothetically.
17:27No.
17:28Right.
17:29No, it's just as well then.
17:31Uh, now, uh,
17:33now you've got a new, um,
17:34new single out
17:35which I quite like.
17:36Great.
17:37This is not bad at all.
17:38Um, I think it's very catchy.
17:40It's very reminiscent, I think,
17:41of that old Air Supply song.
17:47Air Supply?
17:48Yeah, yeah.
17:48Uh, I'm all out of love, you know.
17:50I'm all out of love
17:51I'm so lost without you
17:53I dig out your mouth
17:55You think it, um...
17:56I can't sing off.
17:56You think it sounds like that?
17:57Uh, yeah, well, it's very similar.
18:00Very similar.
18:00I wouldn't say it's, um,
18:02very similar.
18:03Well, it's not identical, but...
18:04It's nothing like it.
18:06Well, well, it is.
18:08It is, it is, it is.
18:09And, and, in fact,
18:10earlier this afternoon,
18:11after I'd seen a preview
18:12of Tim's new song,
18:13I ordered our technical staff
18:15to do an audio comparison
18:16of the two songs.
18:17And I think you'll find
18:18this result very interesting.
18:19Could we roll the tape, please, Dean?
18:21Now, the first one is Air Supply.
18:22I'm so lost without you
18:26I know you were right.
18:28OK, now, now this one
18:29is Tim Rogers.
18:33You don't believe anything
18:35I tell you
18:37Try reading between the lines
18:40Well, comments?
18:43So, um, you're suggesting
18:44that I've ripped off Air Supply?
18:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:47I am not suggesting that at all.
18:49I think that's up to the audience
18:50to decide.
18:51Because what I'd like you all
18:53to do is send an entry
18:54to the Tim Rogers Air Supply
18:56Spot the Difference competition.
18:58And if you can spot a difference
19:00between those two songs,
19:01you will win a prize,
19:02which I'll have to organise
19:03during the week.
19:04OK, I better, there we are.
19:06There's the new single
19:07from Tim Rogers.
19:08And, uh, and there's the, uh,
19:10the one that, uh,
19:12sounds remarkably like it.
19:13In fact, they even look similar,
19:14don't they?
19:15Incredible.
19:16Tim Rogers, ladies and gentlemen,
19:17please thank him.
19:18He's, uh, the UMI guy.
19:20Tim Rogers.
19:20Thank you, Tim.
19:32Good evening.
19:35What?
19:37What do you want?
19:38I am tired of Tarpathia,
19:41of the life that I lead.
19:43Tired of the endless quest
19:45for human blood.
19:48I want to leave this place.
19:50and escape my unspeakable past
19:53to start afresh,
19:56to be reborn in you.
20:00Well, I don't know
20:03whether you'd be interested,
20:04but a small seaside community
20:06on the east coast of Australia
20:08are looking for someone
20:08to be assistant coach
20:10of the local footy club.
20:12Perfect.
20:13I don't want to live in the Carpathia Mountains,
20:22gotta move down to the beach,
20:24sell my castle and move into a caravan.
20:28That's the life for me, yeah.
20:30Giving up my supernatural powers
20:33and the life of the undead
20:35to become an assistant football coach
20:38instead.
20:40Oh, I am the beach of the strange
20:42and I feel it's time for me
20:45to enjoy the sun for a change.
20:50Hey!
20:51Willow!
20:52Puts from behind!
20:54He's always trying to take the specky.
20:55All right, that'll do it for the night.
20:58Okay.
21:00One more lap, boys!
21:02Except for you, Chucky,
21:03you've got a bum leg.
21:04Come on, hit the showers.
21:05Come on, buddy, good boy.
21:07You've done well.
21:08Come on, yeah.
21:10Fancy a beard, regular?
21:11Now you're talking.
21:13Want to lift down the pub?
21:15No, thank you.
21:15The club has been very generous with me.
21:18They have given me
21:18my own particular mode of transportation.
21:20Don't want to live in the Carpathian Mountains
21:25Gotta move down to the...
21:27There you go, Dracula.
21:28Get that in here.
21:29Ah, a pack of the burger rings, thanks to Roy.
21:32I've got chips for a Dracula.
21:34Okay, well, sour cream and chives flavour, please.
21:37Cheers!
21:38Cheers.
21:41Oh, Dracula.
21:42This is Joanne.
21:43Her and her mum just come down from the city
21:45to escape the rat race.
21:46Charmed to meet you.
21:48Chip?
21:48Oh, you're quite the gentleman.
21:51Thanks, Dracula.
21:52Actually, Joanne,
21:53the name is pronounced Dracula.
21:56Oh, Dracula.
21:57Like West Coast Cooler.
22:00Yes.
22:02The county has just moved to Zircon Bay as well.
22:05Really?
22:06Yes.
22:08I found that my unspeakable craving
22:09for human blood
22:11was destroying my undeaded soul
22:13and that I knew
22:14that I could never be truly free
22:16of these earthly bonds
22:17until I had turned away
22:19from the evil
22:20that had
22:20tormented me
22:22to madness.
22:23That and the fishing.
22:25Of course, Dracula.
22:27I need a squirt.
22:28I'll just pop off to the dunny
22:30and be a couple of sex.
22:31I shall be counting
22:32both of them.
22:32Okay, Mongol,
22:39it's your break.
22:40Thanks, Frank.
22:41She's keen on you, Dracula.
22:43You're in.
22:45What?
22:46You guys.
22:47No, she's hanging out for us.
22:49Absolute guaranteed root.
22:52What's that?
22:54You don't know what a root is.
22:56No?
22:56Hey, everyone.
22:58Dracula, he is a virgin.
23:01Don't say that.
23:02It's very hurtful
23:03and embarrassing to me.
23:04That's the idea.
23:06That's what bit in here
23:06is all about.
23:08I see.
23:10Hey, everybody.
23:12Baza here used to be
23:13a vassal
23:13to a general
23:14in the Turkish army
23:15in the Fifth Dynasty.
23:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:20Guess you had to be there.
23:23Hey, Drac.
23:24Drop him.
23:29Who is that?
23:31I don't know.
23:32There's something about him.
23:35Come and dig me, Faye.
23:42You know, Dracula,
23:43you take a fish out of water,
23:45it can't adapt.
23:46It just
23:46flails around helplessly
23:48and
23:49eventually it dies.
23:52You're a fish out of water here.
23:54But you have adapted
23:55and you know what?
23:57Guess you haven't got gills.
23:59To enjoy this
24:01and for a change.
24:05Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:05Very true.
24:07Yeah.
24:08Well, that concludes
24:09another in what is fast
24:10becoming a series of episodes
24:11in the McAuliffe program.
24:13And just a reminder,
24:14this weekend at
24:14Selick's Beach
24:15sees the Auntie Toby's
24:16Iron Hermaphrodite competition.
24:17at Lobethal
24:20and the Adelaide Temperance Society
24:22are holding their
24:23nothing and cheese night.
24:25Many thanks to our guests,
24:28Tim Rogers
24:29and also another person.
24:31Our cast,
24:31no need to actually thank them.
24:33And a very special thank you
24:34to our extra special guest,
24:36Glenn Robbins.
24:37Glenn, thank you very much.
24:38Thank you very much, Sean.
24:43I had a great time.
24:46Sorry, none of your sketches
24:47actually made it into the show.
24:49That's fine.
24:50But don't get a laugh.
24:52You can hardly expect them
24:53to actually be aired.
24:55No.
24:55They really need to be
24:57just a bit funnier.
25:00So, good night.
25:02God bless.
25:03And always remember,
25:06nap's gone.
25:08Bye.
25:38Fantastic. And, uh, Tim, here's one out of left field. If your house was on fire, what
25:48item would you save first?
25:50Uh, a guitar.
25:52Right.
25:53Guess.
25:54Well, Tim, we've got a bit of a surprise for you.
25:56Uh, this is your house here.
25:59Uh, now, Tim, as you know, it's 30 minutes away, so let's just see if you're a man of
26:04your word.
26:05Ready, set, go!
26:06Tim, go, go, go!
26:08Tim Rogers.
26:09Thank you, Frankie.
26:18Portions of this program not affecting the outcome have not been included. Here is
26:22one of them now.
26:23Ah!
26:24Ah!
26:25Oh, my God.
26:55doing with its football coverage.