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00:00He has come to walk among us.
00:11This is your chance to witness the head-turning talents of psychic medium Shirley Goshen.
00:17Prepare to believe.
00:30You're famous and dead, do you understand?
00:34Shirley is your vessel, yeah, your happiest friend.
00:39High spirits.
00:47Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
00:50I'm blessed, laugh it up.
00:51Thank you very much, laugh it up.
00:54Thank you, thank you, OK, OK.
00:57Good evening, and apologies to Mrs Oxley.
01:00There, I've said it.
01:02OK, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be gracing you with my presence once again.
01:07Let us join together as I try to bring the living and the dead just that little bit closer together.
01:16OK.
01:18All right.
01:20Most of you know, ladies and gentlemen, this is the part in the show
01:24where I just come forward and just lighten the atmosphere with a few funnies.
01:29But unfortunately, someone's gone and spoilt it for everybody this week
01:34because a complaint has been upheld by the BBC Corporation
01:39from a certain Mrs Jennifer Oxley of Newport, Gwent.
01:43It seems I upset her by doing a message from her deceased husband last week,
01:49which she insists contained information from the South Wales Echo obituary section,
01:55a paper what I've never even heard of.
01:57I think if Mrs Oxley was just a little bit more honest with herself,
02:02she'd find out what she's really upset about
02:05is the fact her husband is happier spirit side,
02:08now he's left her behind.
02:10And, OK, it's a bitter pill to swallow,
02:15and I understand people are likely to make unjust complaints,
02:20and she can.
02:22I shall just have to rise above it,
02:24and we will hear no more about it.
02:27So on with this show.
02:29OK.
02:30Ladies and gentlemen, before I tune into spirit,
02:32I'd like to welcome to the stage my faithful spirit guide.
02:37It's the canine from Cloud9.
02:40Sheba, ladies and gentlemen.
02:43OK.
02:44Come on, darling.
02:44Come on.
02:45What is it?
02:45Oh, there's it.
02:46There's that.
02:47OK.
02:48There you go.
02:48Come on.
02:49Come back here, you.
02:50What's she doing?
02:51She's dipping around you.
02:51Come back.
02:52Come back here, you.
02:53OK.
02:54Jump up.
02:55Jump up.
02:55Jump up.
02:56OK.
02:57All right.
02:58OK.
02:59OK.
02:59What is it, Sheba?
03:02OK.
03:02OK.
03:03They're bringing me to you, sir.
03:07OK.
03:08They're saying, I feel your pain.
03:10I feel your shame.
03:12But you're not to blame.
03:13It was an easy mistake to make.
03:16But for future reference, OK, the actual phrase is,
03:19don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
03:23Do you understand?
03:23Yeah.
03:24God bless.
03:25OK.
03:27All right.
03:27Having succeeded with his own career, Shirley generously
03:35advises others.
03:38Tony.
03:38Tony.
03:39Hi.
03:40OK.
03:40Sit yourself down.
03:41Is that your resume?
03:42That's it.
03:43OK.
03:45All right.
03:45Let's just get rid of that.
03:46OK?
03:47Because I don't want to know.
03:49OK.
03:49All right.
03:50OK.
03:50What they're showing me is policewoman.
03:53Because that's what I'm getting.
03:55A truncheon you've got.
03:56Does this make any sense?
04:00Yeah.
04:00It's a pub.
04:02And at first I thought, is this trouble?
04:03Because I can see people going like this.
04:05And they're shaking their fists.
04:07But it's not.
04:08What they're saying is off, off, off.
04:09And you're unbuttoning your blouse.
04:12And you throw your hat out.
04:14And you're swinging your trunche round very suggestively.
04:17Because I can see all this business going on with the truncheon.
04:20And it's rather phallic.
04:22And let's just see what happens to this little fish.
04:26See?
04:27His nose is turning up.
04:27And it's touching his tail.
04:29OK.
04:29What they're showing me is you're going to work in a post office.
04:33And you're going to get burgled in a few years' time.
04:37Better not do it, then.
04:38No.
04:38It's fine.
04:39You get better after the beating.
04:43After the beating?
04:44Yeah.
04:44All right.
04:44It's a gang of youths that come in and steal stuff.
04:48OK.
04:48All right.
04:48Let's just give this a go.
04:49That's what they're showing me.
04:50Pick a collar.
04:51Pick a collar.
04:52Pick a number.
04:53Pick a number.
04:53R-E-D.
04:56One, two, three, four.
04:59Five, six, seven, eight.
05:00Fishmonger.
05:01Ricycle tester.
05:02Says murky maker.
05:04You stink.
05:05Oh, fluffer.
05:07Do you understand?
05:08I think it's just a warmer man up before he gets going in the main chute.
05:12Yeah.
05:12Where he needs to ejaculate, OK?
05:14He needs someone to fluff him off.
05:16Yeah.
05:16So it just, it's blowjobs.
05:18Oh, my God.
05:20Oh, my God.
05:21Do you know what I'm getting with you?
05:22You're going to be a millionaire.
05:24I wish.
05:25You will be a millionaire and you are going to have everything.
05:29All right, OK.
05:30This isn't a lottery win.
05:32This is an insurance claim.
05:33You've got nurses.
05:34You've got the keyboard you can operate with your mouth.
05:36You've got the little chair what moves just on what you're thinking.
05:39And you've got that funny little voice, the type voice.
05:43God bless.
05:44OK.
05:48Come on, Sheba.
05:50OK.
05:52I need to get a response, OK, because sidekicks get a rap at the best of times.
05:57Right?
05:58People say to us, oh, you do the work of the devil.
06:01All right.
06:01Oh, you looked it up on the internet.
06:03You're mad or whatever.
06:04Oh, I'm not going to go out of you with puffified nails like that.
06:07What I'm saying, OK, is you need to rise above it.
06:11Because these comments can be quite hurtful, but the more you hear them, the easier they
06:16are to take.
06:19All right.
06:20Come on.
06:21Who gets wound up by something somebody said?
06:24Someone gets really wound up.
06:30OK.
06:31All right.
06:31OK.
06:35I'm getting this area.
06:37OK.
06:38All right.
06:40OK.
06:40OK, madam.
06:42Really wound up.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Mad wound up.
06:44OK.
06:47You consider yourself a friendly person, they're saying.
06:50Would you understand that?
06:51Yeah.
06:52OK.
06:54I personally don't think it's that friendly to laugh at someone else's misfortune, because
06:59that's what they're showing me.
07:00All right.
07:01And just so you know, the tongue looks like that because the jaw is set further back.
07:06All right.
07:06And they've got a lot of love to give.
07:09Because there's someone what pushes the trolleys round after, isn't there?
07:12Do you understand?
07:13Do you understand?
07:15OK.
07:16We, yeah.
07:17We better be careful what we say, because you don't want to upset Mrs. Oxley.
07:19All right.
07:20But he's got a lot of love to give.
07:23OK.
07:24Cuddles.
07:26God bless.
07:27OK.
07:29All right.
07:30Come on.
07:36This is Spirit Academy.
07:38Shirley Ghostman's search for the UK's next psychic superstar.
07:43It's start of turn, and the Master's new apprentices arrive for their first day at the Academy.
08:03Spirit Academy is a derelict mental asylum where the students' psychic skills will be developed beyond the limits of their imagination.
08:19Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to tune into our psychic senses.
08:30What we're going to be doing, OK, is working with you to make you a television psychic.
08:35Some of you are going to fall by the wayside, all right?
08:40Some of you are going to get through to the end.
08:43Joel's just here to make up the numbers, OK?
08:46Now, I know there's already been a few complaints about your rooms, OK?
08:50But they're your rooms.
08:52Oh, God.
08:54Great.
08:54Oh, snow.
08:56Hey, Jackie.
08:58It's not the Ritz.
08:59Have you got to sleep on this?
09:01And what I want to do is strip away, all right, any integrity your people have.
09:07I'll take the one with the mattress.
09:08I don't know who's been killed on the mattress, so I'm probably safe with the cardboard.
09:12I might be able to pick up a few vibes while I'm on there.
09:14And when you go to the toilet, from now on, you're going in a bucket.
09:20Can't believe it.
09:21We also did some police checks, do you understand?
09:25There is one member in the group that I'm not very impressed with.
09:28They do have previous, and as far as I'm concerned, a hammer is a weapon.
09:35And I warn you, Joel, all right, if there's any funny business,
09:39it's going to be solitary or you'll be slopping out.
09:42OK, surely.
09:43I don't want people with weapons on camera.
09:46It's fine, all right, if you're in a corridor and there's no cameras on you.
09:49Do you understand?
09:50Someone might get pushed downstairs.
09:52Whoa!
09:53We've all seen showgirls, all right?
09:56We know what happens.
09:57You have to step on each other to get to the top.
10:01With the ground rules in place, the first lesson commences.
10:06Who's your spirit guide?
10:08A soldier in the Napoleonic army.
10:10She said her name was Mary.
10:14He said his name was John.
10:16Mandy.
10:17I've got Rock Hudson coming through.
10:20OK, I think it's time for some food.
10:22I was sitting in my head.
10:24I was sitting in my head.
10:25You're still too busy.
10:26Right, OK.
10:28Any real psychic should be able to guess what they're going to have for dinner by tuning in.
10:35Quiche and salad.
10:36See if you're right.
10:38No.
10:39Right, off to bed without any dinner.
10:41OK, next one.
10:43Use all your signing power.
10:46What is it?
10:47Cold meats.
10:50Off to bed without any dinner.
10:52Come on!
10:52Chicken and vegetables.
10:53Cold salad or something.
10:55Off to bed without anything.
10:56Look at Chops.
11:03Is it Chops?
11:06Yes!
11:08OK.
11:08Next week on Spirit Academy.
11:15Come on, let's cut to it.
11:17What was your first instinct when you saw a big fat pig?
11:20Erm, farmland.
11:21Farmland.
11:22Really?
11:23Did you think weight issues?
11:25Piggy, pig, pig.
11:30Are you psychic?
11:33Think of a large animal with big ears.
11:37Concentrate.
11:38Think of a large animal with big ears and a trunk.
11:43Concentrate.
11:44Think of a large animal with big ears and a trunk and tufts.
11:51Concentrate.
11:52Did it look like this?
11:54Of course it didn't.
11:57But did it look like this?
12:00Well, are you psychic?
12:09OK, this Mrs Oxley, I know she doesn't mean anything to you, all right,
12:14but she is playing on my mind,
12:16and I would like to make an affirmation, OK,
12:20of myself as a psychic.
12:22I had a psychic experience, OK, about a month ago,
12:27and I was driving on the A62 from Marsden Spiritualist Church into Oldham, right,
12:36and I'd just done some readings, OK,
12:38and I'm driving.
12:39It's not that windy, all right,
12:41but you know that bit between day and night where it's a bit misty,
12:45and I was very tired, OK,
12:50and I can only explain it that a spirit lady rose up in front of the car
12:56and whoosh, over the windscreen, over the roof of the car, OK,
13:02and it really woke me up, and I thought, what's that?
13:07Now, the next evening, I've got the Oldham Evening Chronicle,
13:12front page news, lady got run down on that very same road.
13:19the very same night.
13:27My premonition was accurate.
13:30And that's another one for the sceptics, OK,
13:33so Mrs. Oxley can shove that up her ass.
13:36OK.
13:37All right, sir, you keep looking at me, and I keep looking at you,
13:41and I want to make a connection, all right,
13:44and I've wanted to do it since I came on this stage.
13:48I feel your pain, I feel your shame,
13:51but you're not to blame.
13:53Cruelty to animals, rubbish, OK?
13:56If it had stopped wriggling,
13:57you'd have pulled him out before he suffocated.
14:00Stupid rodent, eh?
14:02OK.
14:03All right, come on.
14:05Kai Spirits presents The Paranormalists.
14:15Non-panic lady, alpha is wild.
14:25Shazam!
14:26Hello, I'm Anne.
14:36Oh, hi, Miss Louise.
14:37Hello.
14:38Come on in.
14:39OK.
14:39This is my little abode.
14:41All right, OK.
14:42Half painted and half not.
14:43Yes.
14:44This is where I hear...
14:46Push steps.
14:48Yeah, just round about that part of the landing.
14:51The landing shoes are killing me.
14:52Press them of mine.
14:54Have you seen Ghost?
14:56I've never.
14:57I've sensed stuff, but I've never seen...
14:59No, don't argue with me.
15:00Have you seen Ghost?
15:02No.
15:03No.
15:04I've sensed stuff.
15:05Have you seen Ghost?
15:06No.
15:06The Patrick Swayze movie.
15:08Of course I have.
15:09It's brilliant.
15:10Well, that is not what ghosts are like.
15:12I've got news for you, lady.
15:13OK, describe it to the whole ghost.
15:14They don't like to kiss you, OK?
15:17I wouldn't want to kiss the ghost.
15:17They don't like to kiss your brains, all right?
15:18They don't want to do work on a potter's wheel with you.
15:21Right.
15:22So why choose ghost busting?
15:24I used to do rat catching.
15:26Rat catching?
15:27Yes.
15:27That's a complete turnaround, isn't it?
15:29It's not really, because a rat runs around the house,
15:32and you have to outwit a rat to catch the rat.
15:35Actually, you're doing the same for ghosts, then, aren't you?
15:37Busting makes me feel good.
15:39I follow the lady into the room.
15:42Had high hopes of what was going to happen.
15:44Is this corner, this is it, where he died?
15:49He died very naturally.
15:51In his sleep?
15:52In his sleep.
15:53That's very common, though, isn't it?
15:55I thought it was going to be something bad.
15:55After the lie.
15:56I thought it was going to be very gruesome.
15:58He died tragically.
16:00It was awful.
16:02There was blood, there was nails.
16:05His face was blue, and his tongue was like an aubergine.
16:11Sorry, just give me one moment.
16:12Elf held back his passion.
16:15This wasn't the time or the place of making a BBC programme,
16:19to fall in love with a lady.
16:20His soul was beginning to crack, and light was shining through.
16:26So are you attracted to me, then?
16:27No, what are you saying?
16:29I don't know what you're even talking about.
16:32The wording he was using for his book,
16:34I mean, from my experience of guys,
16:36when they're trying to be a little bit personal,
16:39it's their way of saying,
16:40oh, I like you, you know.
16:42Feel this.
16:45Feel around my wrist.
16:47Big, huh?
16:48Yeah.
16:48Imagine this with less hair.
16:49I would like to get some of my tools.
16:53OK.
16:55All right.
17:01I'm probably going to need to use you as bait.
17:04OK, that's fine.
17:04All right, because he likes you.
17:06OK.
17:07Oh, keep calm.
17:08Get back, get back.
17:10That's never, ever gone off.
17:11Right, OK.
17:12There is a man here.
17:13I definitely feel something.
17:14There is a cold.
17:15OK, back off.
17:17And I ain't just saying that.
17:18You need to get him here.
17:19Lur him here.
17:20Lur him here.
17:21Come on, then.
17:22OK.
17:22Just jump.
17:23All right.
17:25OK, I really like you, OK?
17:27All right, I'm going to do my best for you.
17:28OK, thank you.
17:29OK, try and get him here.
17:31Come on, Joy, you know, little old me.
17:34Come and relax on my boo-bah.
17:36Come with us.
17:37And give me a nice big cuddle.
17:39OK, I'm going to switch you on the pack.
17:41OK?
17:44Oh, my God, that's a really strange feeling.
17:47Come here.
17:48I can feel cold.
17:49There is definitely cold here.
17:52Yeah.
17:52OK.
17:53I can feel something.
17:54There is definitely something there.
17:56Just here, just here.
17:56It's definitely cold, OK.
17:57I can feel coldness on my hands.
17:59All right, OK.
18:00Just there, just there.
18:01OK.
18:02That's it.
18:03OK, I've got it.
18:04You've got it.
18:05I can see it.
18:06Relax.
18:09OK, relax.
18:11Relax.
18:13Get away from it!
18:14OK.
18:17All right, we need to get him out.
18:19I'm going to put him in.
18:21OK.
18:26OK.
18:27OK.
18:29All right.
18:30Do you see the colour?
18:32That gold?
18:33Oh, my God.
18:33Do you see the colour?
18:36Yes.
18:37That is his order.
18:38We have him.
18:40My God.
18:42We have him.
18:44He won't be bothering you anymore.
18:47He was stood proud in his trousers.
18:51He thought to himself,
18:53this would be uncomfortable on the way home.
18:58You will never have another ghost in this house ever again.
19:04No arguments.
19:13High spirits.
19:15C is for cats.
19:21Cats are extremely psychic,
19:22which is why they are so good at catching birds.
19:25They will hear a bird thinking to itself,
19:29I'm going to hop down there for a bit.
19:31There are no cats around.
19:34Cats have a guardian angel cat,
19:36which is 60 feet tall
19:37and is visible only to frogs.
19:40According to the ancient saying,
19:42every cat has nine lives.
19:44This, sadly, is not true.
19:46In fact, cats have three lives,
19:49but over the years,
19:50this was expanded to nine by exaggerators.
20:01Right.
20:01Have either of you done Ouija before?
20:05No.
20:05OK.
20:06What I'm going to ask you to do
20:07is put your finger on the top of the glass.
20:09OK.
20:09And just lightly touch it
20:11and the glass will move of its own accord.
20:14We are going to try,
20:16OK,
20:17and contact spirit.
20:19So we need everyone to stay focused.
20:22OK.
20:23Just absolutely relax.
20:25OK.
20:25Open up all your chakra
20:26and let spirit in.
20:29OK.
20:29Just put your finger on.
20:30I call upon spirit
20:34with the utmost respect
20:36and ask you to show yourself.
20:40Are you there?
20:41What is your name?
20:55That's a mister, isn't it?
20:56Do you want to keep track of where that went?
21:08Can someone check that for us?
21:10OK.
21:11I got the O and the X.
21:14Do you have a message for anybody?
21:16Is it for Mrs. Jennifer Oxley
21:24of Newport, Gwent?
21:29OK.
21:32Are you her husband?
21:33Yeah, I thought it said...
21:37What is the message?
21:44Oh, OK.
21:53Did anybody get that?
21:54I don't want to say.
21:55It was a rude word.
21:56What is it?
21:57I thought it was a slag.
21:58Was it?
21:58Yeah.
21:58OK.
22:00All right.
22:00Just going to get another question to spirit.
22:03Nothing better to do
22:05than just complain to TV shows
22:06when they're getting popular.
22:09Yes.
22:09OK.
22:10Are you trying to say
22:12that your wife,
22:13Mrs. Jennifer Oxley
22:14from Newport, Gwent
22:15is an interfering old slag
22:16that thrives on the destruction
22:18of people's beliefs
22:20and people's dreams?
22:23OK.
22:25Was she talking rubbish
22:27when she said
22:28I was a hideous social inadequate?
22:31OK.
22:33Thank you, Mr. Oxley.
22:36I rest my case.
22:38OK.
22:39God bless.
22:39Love and light.
22:40Love and light.
22:42OK.
22:42Not bad, is it?
22:45This is the other side
22:47of Shirley Goesman.
22:49With his newfound celebrity status,
22:51Shirley is starting
22:52to expand his empire.
22:54Did you find us all right?
22:55Yes.
22:56The unwanted attention
22:57from the public
22:58is taking its toll.
23:00I always feel like
23:02somebody's watching me.
23:05Hello.
23:06Hi.
23:06All right, thank you.
23:08Hi.
23:09Hi.
23:10I want something quite dark
23:11so you can't see my eyes.
23:14Right.
23:14You know,
23:15things are taking off now
23:16and people keep,
23:17you know,
23:18pointing and laughing
23:19and I don't,
23:20I just want to get
23:21people's attention
23:22away from me.
23:23Right.
23:24Also,
23:24if they're quite dark
23:25and they can't see me
23:27closing my eyes
23:27because after the shows,
23:29get a lot of people
23:29coming up backstage,
23:31you know,
23:32talking about their
23:33husbands
23:34or, you know,
23:35partners
23:35or the granddad,
23:37whatever,
23:38what they've lost
23:38and it's just a chance
23:39for me to have a quick
23:40power nap
23:42and I don't want to see them
23:43have my eyes closed
23:45because it's quite
23:46insulting to them.
23:47Okay.
23:49What with the TV
23:50taking off,
23:51I'm going to get
23:52a lot of exposure
23:52and I'm thinking
23:54there are lots of products
23:55what I've got ideas for
23:57here.
23:58I've put some of our
23:59merchandise out.
24:00What have you got in mind?
24:02Right.
24:02Spookticles for the kids.
24:05I was thinking
24:05this is like
24:06just fun for the kids.
24:08They're funky,
24:09bright colours.
24:10We can definitely
24:10get that made in the Far East.
24:12This is an adult size,
24:13isn't it?
24:13Yeah, but your wife
24:14would like these.
24:15Yeah.
24:16Mirrod's the answer.
24:17Okay, let's have a look
24:18at mirrod,
24:19but I do like the white.
24:19You've got nothing
24:20in complete white.
24:24Can you see my eyes
24:25through there?
24:26No.
24:29I can't go anywhere
24:30without people pointing
24:31at me.
24:32Right.
24:33Oh, yeah.
24:34But there are people
24:34what died with a bullet.
24:36You've got Gandhi.
24:38Yeah.
24:38Cobain,
24:39shooting his bloody mouth off.
24:41Marvin Gaye.
24:42Yeah.
24:42JFK.
24:43They say Lee Harvey
24:44as well,
24:44but I know better.
24:46Lennon?
24:47Yeah.
24:47Who's this fella here?
24:48No idea.
24:49Now, that's what I was
24:50worried about.
24:50Versace.
24:51Oh, Versace, yeah.
24:53Come here.
24:54Come on.
24:55Sorry, what?
24:57Nothing.
24:59We just smirked.
25:00Sorry, you just smirked at me
25:07and I think that's quite rude.
25:09Okay.
25:09Okay.
25:12I'm smiling.
25:14I think you're being a bit
25:14oversensitive.
25:15Right, well, it's just a lot
25:16of people, okay, pointing.
25:18And I just,
25:18that's why I'm coming here.
25:19All right, yeah.
25:20Okay, all right.
25:22Have you got anything else in black?
25:25All right, T-shirts.
25:26Yeah.
25:26Now we're talking.
25:29What do you think?
25:31I wouldn't go for anything
25:32like that, to be honest.
25:35I feel your pain,
25:36I feel your shame,
25:37but you're not to blame.
25:40Okay?
25:40They do look funny.
25:42It doesn't mean you're racist.
25:44Do you feel any shame?
25:45Don't use my stuff,
25:46okay, sweetheart.
25:52All right, let's go for these.
25:54Fragrance?
25:55No.
25:56It's got no novelty value.
25:58It's not particularly interesting.
26:01So, I'm finding this quite,
26:03are you purposely being obstructive?
26:05Well, yeah.
26:07I am now,
26:08because I can see
26:09that these ideas
26:10are not relevant to us at all.
26:15She's not going to want a...
26:16Are you going to want an autograph?
26:17Just your name,
26:18and I'll put it over to that.
26:19All right.
26:20Okay.
26:30Ghost.
26:35Ladies and gentlemen,
26:38some of you may have noticed
26:39a very special presence
26:40throughout tonight's show.
26:42Okay.
26:44And you're in for a treat,
26:45because this evening,
26:46I'm going to be
26:47trans-channelling
26:48none other than
26:49George Frederick Handel,
26:50who's done a new cantata,
26:52what he composed through me
26:54while he's been in heaven.
26:56Okay.
26:57I'd like to say without prejudice
26:58that all of Mr Handel's new work
26:59is produced in good faith
27:00and anything around you
27:01between this and previous work
27:01on by the Handel estate
27:02is entirely coincidental,
27:03so help me God.
27:04I give you
27:05cantata in G.
27:08And remember,
27:09if you don't believe,
27:10you'll end up like
27:11Mrs Oxley,
27:12a bitter,
27:13tumour-ridden old slag.
27:15Spook to you later.
27:16Okay.
27:20One to three,
27:21though.
27:23Mrs Oxley,
27:24Mrs Oxley,
27:25Mrs Oxley,
27:26Mrs Oxley,
27:27your new old way.
27:28City Oxley,
27:30city Oxley,
27:31city Oxley,
27:32city Oxley,
27:32it's a very long life.
27:34Naughty Oxley,
27:35naughty Oxley,
27:36naughty Oxley,
27:37naughty Oxley,
27:37she lies tonight.
27:39Smelly Oxley,
27:41smelly Oxley,
27:42smelly Oxley,
27:43smelly Oxley,
27:43she makes me go.
27:46He won't get in nothing.
27:55To be totally honest,
27:56I don't believe it,
27:57one bit whatsoever.

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