- 24/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Don't start bleating about the Yanks, I paid cash for them Scud missiles.
00:06They'd better be in my garage by the morning.
00:10Investigators say the collision between two vessels in the North Sea
00:13that led to 3,000 luxury BMWs being lost at sea was inevitable.
00:17As of course the person in charge of the BMWs was a tosser who assumed he owned the sea.
00:30Dead ringers.
00:43Have you been injured by an accident at work?
00:45Have you tripped or fallen on a loose paving stone?
00:49Have you tried to con people out of their life savings with dodgy slimming pills
00:52and timeshare scams across three continents and have the authorities breathing down your neck?
00:57Then call Cherie Direct.
00:58At Cherie Direct our trained lawyer is waiting at number 10 24 hours a day to take your call.
01:06I'm not superwoman and I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air but I'll do what I can.
01:11Over the years Cherie Direct has helped countless con men and women facing deportation
01:16like Peter from Australia.
01:18Just one phone call and a couple of fexes to Cherie Direct
01:22was all it took for me to get the chance of a generous six-figure cash settlement
01:26from a sleazy Sunday tabloid paper.
01:29Ron's out.
01:31Phone Cherie Direct today.
01:33Because with Cherie Direct handling your case,
01:35the only person my husband will be wanting to deport is me.
01:39Scared lips.
01:40Timid ear lobes.
01:41I'm a liability trouser suit.
01:42My fellow invertebrates.
01:48This week a major incident reported took place at sea
01:51during which Colin Powell captured my battleship.
01:56Oh yeah, and we also ratified that stupid North Korean boat as well.
01:59As a result, the North Korean leader Kim Jong announced
02:03that he would be resumerating their nuclear program.
02:07A program I condemn because it threatens to desalinate the region.
02:12And also because it's a program that hasn't once featured the Fonz.
02:18But be warned, King Kong.
02:20Like others before you,
02:22should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building,
02:25then my fleet of biplanes will have no choice
02:27but to obliter fry you from the face of the Earth.
02:29God bless pancakes.
02:33There you go, sir.
02:34Tighter love.
02:35Cheers, mate.
02:36You know what?
02:38When I saw that Cherie Blair on the telly crying her eyes out,
02:41I couldn't help thinking to myself,
02:43I should be making some money out of this.
02:46Foster's.
02:47He who drinks Australian, thinks Australian.
02:49Wise wizard Gandalf, where will my quest take me?
03:02Far, young hobbit.
03:03But it will be worth the journey.
03:05You must show great courage as you leave the Shire
03:08and head north across misty mountains.
03:11There you must venture into Barlin's tomb and beyond.
03:15Though you will need great cunning if you are to defeat the Orcs
03:18as you cross the raging river Anduin at Parth Gallon.
03:22Beyond lies the many terrors of dead marches.
03:25But survive them,
03:27and you will reach first Ithilien and then Mordor,
03:30where your search will end.
03:32And do you want me to bring you the ring,
03:34the one ring that will bring peace to Middle Earth?
03:36No.
03:37A carton of milk.
03:39There's nothing in the fridge.
03:40And I'm gagging for a cup of tea.
03:45Hello.
03:46I'm Delia Smith.
03:47I'm reminding you of that
03:49because I haven't been on your screens for quite some time.
03:52That's because there are so many other wonderful cooks on television,
03:56each bringing you their own unique perspective on cookery.
04:00Which is why I've been working extra hard
04:03to bring you some really memorable recipes for this series.
04:06Now, for my first dish,
04:09I've been greatly inspired by Anthony Worrell-Thompson.
04:13When I heard the BBC were giving him another series,
04:16I broke into his house late at night
04:18and slaughtered him like a pig,
04:21thus freeing up a good two months in the schedules
04:24for lots more Delia.
04:25Now, I used a machete to dismember his body,
04:30but any sharp implement will do.
04:35I then left his limbs to simmer in this large pot
04:39until the neighbours started to complain about the smell.
04:42And now the entire metropolitan police force are after me,
04:47but I think you'll agree that the result was worth it.
04:54Hmm. Lovely.
04:56Hello, I'm Mark Lawson, Melvin Bragg with alopecia.
05:07The makers of the Harry Potter films
05:10have finally ended speculation
05:11as to the replacement for Richard Harris
05:13in the role of Dumbledore.
05:15The role has gone to another legendary British Hellraiser.
05:19Oh, wise and kindly Dumbledore,
05:21what advice do you have for a young wizard like me?
05:24Don't have f***ing kids, that's my advice.
05:26They're a f***ing lightning.
05:28When they told me I'd be surrounded by magical elves
05:31and pot plants that come to life,
05:33I thought, yeah, I'll have some of whatever they're having,
05:36you know what I mean?
05:37But you never told me to be for f***ing real, did you?
05:40You specky little shits.
05:42But you said you'd show me how to fly using a broomstick.
05:45Listen, son, you take a quarter of the stuff I've had in my life
05:48and you'll be flying all right.
05:50You won't need no f***ing broomstick.
05:52Without your help, Dumbledore,
05:54how will I be able to defeat the evil Lord Voldemort?
05:57You leave Voldemort.
05:58To me, he thinks he's the f***ing Prince of Darkness.
06:00I'll show him who the real Prince of Darkness is.
06:03I'll see the look on his face
06:04when I bite the head off Professor Snape.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:07People of Britain,
06:12nervous forehead, worried teeth,
06:14I hate the Daily Mail bald spot.
06:16Fresh allegations continue to surface
06:18over Cherie's dealings with conman Peter Foster.
06:23This has forced me to take the very tough decision
06:26to sack Cherie from her post of being my wife.
06:31That was the Prime Minister
06:33making his bombshell announcement earlier today.
06:35He joins me here in the studio.
06:37Good evening, Kirsty.
06:38Surely it must have been very difficult
06:40sacking the person you most love and cherish.
06:42Well, no, I'm not sacking Alistair Campbell, no.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:45Sorry, you meant Cherie.
06:47Much like when I slipped on Prescott's ministry into three,
06:50I want to turn back the clock
06:52and divide the job of the politician's wife
06:54into the traditional roles
06:56of photo opportunities,
06:57domestic duties and rumpy-pumpy.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00Photo opportunities will be handled
07:02by the big red pillar box here.
07:04As you can see, it's big, wide mouth
07:06and red face make it the perfect replacement for Cherie.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09Is that really practical?
07:11Well, yes.
07:12As a matter of fact,
07:12the pillar box has been doing the job
07:13for the last six months
07:14and nobody has noticed.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16So, presumably, that means
07:18that the blow-up doll
07:20is going to take care of rumpy-pumpy
07:21while Robin Cook
07:23with the chef's hat and feather duster
07:24will take over domestic duties?
07:26Um...
07:27Yes, that's, um, exactly right, Kirsty, yes.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:30I feel the same way too, Robin,
07:38but I just can't say it here.
07:41Listen, Crow, I couldn't help noticing
07:44you haven't asked me to be your best man.
07:46On this of all days, you show me no respect,
07:48you poetry-loving Aussie poof.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:50Porky-ageing Lothario Jack Nicholson
07:53said this week he's lost his libido.
07:56He's still shouting,
07:57here's Johnny,
07:57but nowadays he can't get the damn thing on.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00In previous episodes of Living With The Enemy,
08:03we've brought together Hunt Saboteurs
08:05and Tory MPs,
08:07Sloan Rangers and Gypsies.
08:09But this is our greatest challenge yet.
08:12LAUGHTER
08:12As we get Time Lord Doctor Who
08:15to spend a weekend
08:17with the Cyberman family of this.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20It is true.
08:24The Time Lord is forbidden from interfering
08:25directly with the affairs of other lifeforms.
08:27That's a likely excuse for refusing
08:29to help with the washing up.
08:30The Cybermen are notoriously evil warriors,
08:34but when off-duty,
08:35they really know how to party.
08:38And this was when we invaded the planet Voga.
08:40Mm-hmm.
08:41And this is when we invaded Kronos.
08:43Mm-hmm.
08:44And this is when we invaded Garazone.
08:47Mm-hmm.
08:48And this is when we invaded Kryon.
08:50Lovely.
08:51Thank God that's over.
08:53Not even the Daleks ever subjected me
08:55to anything quite so arse-paralyzingly painful as that.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59Maybe things will liven up when we go for a beer.
09:02Do you remember that time
09:03when I thwarted your plans to invade Gallifrey
09:05by scraping a gold badge
09:07across the Cyber Leader's chest unit?
09:09And gold being lethal to Cybermen,
09:10it killed him instantly.
09:11Ha-ha-ha.
09:12Oh, now that was funny.
09:15But a few pints later,
09:17everyone starts to relax.
09:19Maybe I didn't treat you...
09:22LAUGHTER
09:24Quite as good as I should have.
09:28And maybe I didn't neutralise you...
09:33LAUGHTER
09:34Quite as often as I should have.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:39Little things I should have said and done...
09:44I just never took the time...
09:50LAUGHTER
09:50You were always on my mind...
09:55You were always on my mind...
10:00LAUGHTER
10:01You're my best mate in the old galaxy.
10:05You are?
10:06No, you are.
10:07I don't care what the Daleks say.
10:09They're a bunch of wankers.
10:11LAUGHTER
10:11Well, that was a top night.
10:15But when they insisted on going on for a curry
10:17and then on to invade Telos
10:19and convert the cryons into unthinking cyber drones...
10:22And I thought I'd call it a night.
10:24Next week, see how the Bush family of Washington get on
10:28when they drop in on the Husseins of Baghdad.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:31LAUGHTER
10:31Hello.
10:35Now, recipes involving fish are always popular.
10:38As we saw in Rick Stein's marvellous programme,
10:40Rick Stein's A Taste of the Sea.
10:43Well, I'm afraid the sea is all Rick will be tasting from now on,
10:47as earlier today, I set his feet in concrete
10:50and threw him off the end of Padstow Harbour.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54Now, I used strong ropes to bind his hands and gag him,
10:58but you could just use any old handkerchiefs.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01Yes, I do realise I've gone barking mad,
11:03but then why else would I have bought Norwich City?
11:05LAUGHTER
11:06Good evening.
11:10My next guests are amongst some of the world's greatest bus travellers.
11:13They've waited at stops here in the UK, as well in Hollywood,
11:16and have also travelled across some of the greatest journeys
11:19which have ever been charted.
11:22It's a wonderful honour to speak to the two of you today, it really is.
11:25I mean, this is a very typical bus stop.
11:27I mean, how does this rank alongside some of the very classic bus stops
11:30which you've waited over the years?
11:33LAUGHTER
11:34Listen, Beckham, throw the game,
11:42or there might be a few more rumours turning up on the internet about you.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:46It's been suggested that Sherry Blair's tearful speech to the nation
11:52wasn't as original as people had first assumed,
11:55as this footage of Peter Mandelson's last resignation speech shows.
11:58It is not fair to the government
12:00that the entire focus of political debate at present
12:04revolves around my questionable property deals.
12:07Now, I know I'm in a very special position.
12:11I have an interesting job.
12:13But I know that I'm not Superwoman.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:16The reality of my life is that I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:20Trying to be the Prime Minister's consort at home and abroad,
12:23and a charity worker.
12:25However, sometimes some of those balls get dropped.
12:29I would never want to harm anyone.
12:31Least of all, my Tony.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34Thinking about it, has anyone actually ever seen them together?
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38Wizard Gandalf, where must my quest take me?
12:47Far, young hobbit, but it will be worth it.
12:49You must first set out for the Ford of Bruynon,
12:53where the Council of Enron convenes.
12:55A bit wary of their advice, for they have lost courage.
12:59But listen to them well,
13:01for they alone hold the key to success
13:03in your battle with the Nazgul
13:04as you cross the bridge at Kazak Doom.
13:07Press deeper and deeper into the gloom
13:10that is the far and gone forest
13:11until, when all hope seems lost,
13:14you finally gaze upon Pelennor Fields,
13:17and your journey will end.
13:18And you want me to bring back the ring?
13:20No.
13:2120 silk carts and a packet of matches.
13:24I told Bilbo he thinks I'd given up.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28We interrupt this broadcast
13:31to bring you the following newsflash
13:33from the BBC newsroom.
13:35Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys.
13:37It's too soon to say which one,
13:39but we are expecting an announcement shortly.
13:42The BBC has just received news
13:45that a terrible thing has happened.
13:48We don't know what this terrible thing is yet,
13:51but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.
13:56A terrible thing has happened
13:57and I am deeply angered, saddened and or moved.
14:02When I find out what it is,
14:04I shall be taking tough action
14:05and or extending my sympathies on national television.
14:09Ernest Cheeks, stern nostrils,
14:12I got in before Ian Duncan Smith smiled.
14:15Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule
14:19to make this statement about the terrible thing.
14:22I am appalled by this terrible thing.
14:25And the Liberal Democrat leader, Charles Kennedy,
14:28made this statement.
14:30Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.
14:34And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.
14:38Well, I'm totally and utterly devastated and appalled.
14:42Well, I am not only devastated and appalled,
14:46I am outraged and shocked.
14:48I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked,
14:52recurring with no returns.
14:54And no sombre occasion like this would be complete
14:57without a statement from the palace.
14:59My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen.
15:03One just forgot to mention it to anyone.
15:06And now it's time for some pointless conjecture
15:09with Professor Robert Nibbs,
15:10an expert in terrible things that happen.
15:13Professor, what is this terrible thing?
15:15Well, I have no idea.
15:17Well, that won't stop you answering the question, though, will it?
15:19No, no, no, no.
15:20No, because as I stated in my book,
15:22terrible things that can happen,
15:24I did say that somewhere, at some time,
15:27somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen.
15:30And I've been proved right.
15:31Proved right.
15:31Yes.
15:33Right.
15:34Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes
15:37because although a terrible thing has happened,
15:40it was a long way away and no Westerners were involved.
15:44Good night.
15:48In the hills, it's gone.
15:50I don't think it's a bit terrible important.
15:53In the hills, it's gone.
15:55Excuse me, I don't think it's...
15:56Um, he, uh, situated on, uh,
16:01getting the human message across,
16:03um, closed the box of the leaders.
16:06And this is, uh, the situation, as you know,
16:09and, uh, on the front of here.
16:13No, I'm not interested.
16:15Oh, interested.
16:16Oh, indeed, the pink paper on the literal question.
16:20And this is, uh...
16:21I don't live here.
16:23Oh, I don't live here.
16:24And going on.
16:26And...
16:26Oh, I'm discussing the situation
16:30in here.
16:32Um, also, uh, possibly
16:34versus a message
16:36of communication.
16:39How do you see it?
16:40I'm busy at the moment.
16:42Oh!
16:43It's been important.
16:45It's been the situation.
16:45Well, it's been a very good talk.
16:54Excellent. Message across. Conclusion.
16:59We're all citizens, aren't we?
17:03Citizen Smith, Citizen Jones.
17:05Oh, indeed. And we'll look across.
17:07Thanks very much.
17:09Hello, I'm Hannah Gordon, a cross between Judith Chalmers and some fabric conditioner.
17:20On today's watercolour challenge, we're using this sunset scene to compare the methods of artists today and a hundred years ago.
17:29On the modern side, it's our old friend Arthur Hughes from Hereford.
17:33Well, Arthur, how's the lakeside view going?
17:35Well, Hannah, initially I had a little trouble capturing the water, but I've adjusted my colostomy bag and it's fine now.
17:42Lovely. And do you think your techniques would have been the same a hundred years ago?
17:46Oh, no. I'd have just weeded in a bucket, I should think.
17:49Well, have a sterling day, Sarah.
17:53Representing the artists of a hundred years ago, it's post-impressionist master Vincent van Gogh. What's with the bandage, Vincent?
18:00Oh, this? Yeah, I also cut off half of my ear with the eraser.
18:05Lovely. Let's hope you're not so clumsy with a paintbrush.
18:08Yeah, it was an outburst of violent self-loathing.
18:12Super. Now, Vincent, as one of the greatest artists of all time, I expect you've produced an extraordinary work of artistic genius, but more importantly, have you had a nice day out?
18:23Yeah, my painting is a distortion of shape and colour, which is there to convey the most elemental of emotions.
18:32I'm not some amateur chocolate box man like your Arthur Hughes here.
18:36Oh, you want a piece of me, do you, eh?
18:40Eh?
18:41Well, how many paintings have you ever sold?
18:43One.
18:44Heh!
18:45One?
18:46Yeah.
18:47I've sold three.
18:48Yeah, three.
18:49So stick that in your clogs, you dust-lood, and...
18:52Oh dear, it's come away again.
18:55I'm gonna do you.
18:56Come on.
18:57Come on.
18:59Lovely.
19:00Well, as you can see, we're having a super day out here, but I have to go home now, because at midnight I turn into a tin of tartan shortbread.
19:07I'm shortbread.
19:08Goodbye.
19:09Would I like to have a family?
19:11And what kind of question is that to us, to Russell Crowe?
19:14Of course I'd like to have a family.
19:15I just can't decide whether it's Tom Hanks' one or Steven Spielberg's one that I want.
19:23Following fresh allegations in the press, Cherie and I felt it necessary to make this statement.
19:28What they say is true.
19:30We have been taken for a ride by a second Australian conman.
19:34G'day.
19:35It's your old mate.
19:36Rolfy here.
19:37When we handed Rolf all that money, we thought we'd get a luxury cut-priced flat in Bristol.
19:42But it just turned out to be a hamster with a bit of a dicky tummy that did not make it all the way through the night.
19:47Duped forehead, bemused teeth, taken for a ride underpants.
19:51And he conned us out of a fortune, backing these miracle pills that he said would grow us an extra leg.
19:58Remorseful hair, brave lipsticks, appealing to mothers everywhere tears.
20:02They must have been diddly-liddle-dumb to all of that.
20:08Have you guessed who's just sold a half share in Sydney Opera House yet?
20:11Now, last week, you'll remember I made a dress made out of Gary Rhodes' skin.
20:18But I was a little bit careless about leaving evidence, so I've finally been caught.
20:23Every criminal genius makes a fatal mistake sooner or later, and mine was to write detailed notes of all my crimes and publish them in hardback across 1999 from all good bookshops.
20:35There's a particularly good recipe on page 33 involving Ainsley Harriot's liver and a nice Chianti.
20:42Or you could just use Valpolicella.
20:45I won't be here next week because I'll be helping the police stop an evil mastermind who preys on men and leaves their bodies completely drained of fluid.
20:54Or Nigella, as she's otherwise known.
20:57He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy, he wasn't good enough for her.
21:02More on that story later.
21:05Last week, the government announced it's to spend billions on a major road widening scheme.
21:10But hidden in the bill was another, even more controversial proposal.
21:14A scheme to widen John Prescott.
21:18Preparations at the depot have already begun.
21:20Oh, we're confident the Prescott widening scheme will be completed on time.
21:24My men will be shoveling these pasties for consumption round the clock.
21:28And that cement mixer has been whipping up birds trifle and custard for weeks.
21:32I'm joined in our Westminster studio by John Prescott.
21:36Well Kirsty, it's essential I am widened to accommodate the expected ten-fold increase in the number of pies handled by my small intestine by 2008.
21:45As you can see there is a major bottleneck here where the chips and pies go.
21:50So what we propose is three new mouths.
21:53Two on my shoulders and one on my forehead.
21:56But what benefits will this have for the public?
21:59Well, in answer to that, Kirsty, and you've had your pudding, I like to have mine with custard.
22:04And whereas, in fact, I think you'll find Mr Ginster agrees with me on that very point,
22:08all food I eat means the fewer incomprehensible sentences I'll be giving on programmes like this.
22:15This could be the most popular thing you've ever done.
22:17I took the words mouth out of mine right.
22:21My name is Greg Dyke and I am Director General of the BBC.
22:26Bring back Doctor Who, alright, but there's not going to be any Daleks in it.
22:30No, they cross me once too often.
22:33Now, a government independent review body has been mouthing off about my 24-hour rolling news channel, News 24.
22:40They say, unless we make it more distinctive, it's going to be taken off the air.
22:44Right.
22:45I'll make it bloody distinctive.
22:48Instead of 24-hour rolling news, we'll make it 24-hour bowling news.
22:53All the latest greens, all those funny acts, all the gossip, breaking news about which club room serves the best cream teas.
23:00And if that still isn't distinctive enough for them, I'll just turn it into 24-hour strolling news.
23:05Strollers, strollers and more strollers.
23:07As long as there's a pun left in my body, nobody is taking one of my stations off the air.
23:13So, wise wizard Gandalf, where is it my quest is going to take me?
23:19Far, young hobbits, but it will be worth it.
23:22You must cross the Barrow Downs and breathe.
23:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get the idea.
23:28Over this, across that, beyond bloody something else.
23:31Look, I'm only going on this quest if at the end of it there will be the ring.
23:36Well, will the ring be there?
23:39I wouldn't have thought so. It's been in my pocket the whole time.
23:43Then why, again and again, have you sent me on these epic quests?
23:47Because I'm a bastard.
23:49Just because someone has a beard and a big flowing cloak, that doesn't mean they're nice, you know.
23:54If you don't get me that luck of Prince Harry's hair is agreed, sunshine, they'll only be able to identify you by your DNA.
24:05MI5 says Osama Bin Laden may have bought 40 suitcase bombs.
24:08What's even more terrifying is that each suitcase comes with its own Celtic supporter.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14Very good evening, and welcome to The Star at Night.
24:18I recently purchased this huge, immensely powerful telescope, which allows me to observe images from the furthest reaches of the cosmos.
24:27Images so distant, they in fact transpired many billions of years ago in the past.
24:32As I look into the distant depths of space, one is offered rare glimpses of the birth of planets, stars coalescing together to form new galaxies.
24:43In fact, we can see so far back in time that even the early stages of the birth of our universe are visible.
24:50And if one is to look even further back than that, yes, it's quite incredible.
24:56One would see me, in Dunham Company, on Oxford Street, buying this jacket, just over four billion years ago,
25:04in what was to become known as the first jacket age.
25:06Certainly brings back some very happy memories.
25:08Thank you very much. Very good night. Good night.
25:10Later this evening on 4, we have a documentary that takes a sensitive look at the issues surrounding gender reassignment.
25:15That's bloody hell that weird-looking bloke's wearing a dress tonight at nine.
25:21I think what's important about people is what's on the inside,
25:26which is why I think it's absolutely frightful that in our society people are persecuted just because of the colour of their skin.
25:35I mean, take me, I'm a normal, lovely person, but I face prejudice every day just because...
25:43..I'm orange.
25:45TV presenters all across the country are asking themselves, is it because I is orange?
25:51Now, let me tell you something. I was repeatedly bullied at school.
25:56They treated me no better than a dog or a bargain-hunt contestant.
26:00Was it because I was orange? Or was it because I was just generally an annoying tit?
26:05I don't know. Orange, boy!
26:09But like so many other children, I found there was one way of deflecting the bullies.
26:13I'd say an eight-er, possibly a nine-er. It has been vinegar-ed, but I'd just say that answer to the value.
26:19And across the one garily triangle, I'd say it's a bobby-dazzler.
26:23Ho-ho! Cheap as chips!
26:25Some of the things I get called as an orange person are unbelievable. I mean, I can laugh now, but actually at the time it's very, very upsetting to be called names like Fanta.
26:35Orangutan.
26:36Orangutan.
26:38Lugazade.
26:39Oompa Loompa.
26:40But in the end, all we want is for people of all colours to be lovely and at peace with each other.
26:45Tangerine.
26:46Tangerine.
26:47And ivory.
26:48Lugazade.
26:49Lugazade.
26:51And ivory.
26:53Lugazade.
26:54Lugazade.
26:55Lugazade.
26:56Lugazade.
26:58Tangerine.
26:59Lugazade.
27:00Lugazade.
27:02Lugazade.
27:03fighting for their right. Their right to significantly increase their chances of
27:08getting skin cancer just so they can look like Spaniards. And together they
27:13believe the future's bright. The future's... Orange!
27:20It's just time for a quick look at what will be on your newsstands tomorrow
27:23morning. The Times is running with more answers needed to Cherie Blair's links
27:27with Peter Foster. The Telegraph is demanding a full government inquiry into
27:32Cherie-gate. The Mail has an exclusive Cherie Blair is a witch and should be
27:38crushed between stones and then cast into the river. The Beano has Cherie Blair
27:46being spanked by Dennis the Menace's dad. Hot Big Wams has an inquiry into whether
27:53the Cherie Blair scandal could have been avoided if she'd only pleasured herself
27:56by sitting on a washing machine. And finally the Radio Times has 10 pages of
28:02ads for porcelain figurines of Cherie, all showing her with a tear in her eye and an
28:06onion in her hand. Good night.
28:08You, today...
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28:56
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