- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00My fellow Americans, the weapons inspectors have arrived on the ground in the Iraqi capital.
00:07And my good friend, the Bulgarian Prime Minister, Lionel Blair, assures me the search is being led
00:12by a man trusted by the British people, never to give up the hunt.
00:17Hello, and welcome to Weapons Home, with me, David Dickinson.
00:22Oh, he the Springfellow on a budget.
00:25I'm here in downtown Baghdad, and already I've uncovered a disturbing stockpile of potentially lethal chemicals.
00:33And that's just the 15 cans of hairspray in my luggage.
00:36Know the barnet, one for the ladies.
00:39Okay, let's see what we've got.
00:41Oh, rusty bomb here.
00:42But know the hallmark, 1985, made in the UK.
00:47Almost certainly a duffer.
00:49But hey, this is something a bit special here.
00:51A small piece of depleted plutonium, dated about 10, possibly 12 years ago, could have
00:57been left behind by a superpower in a hurry.
01:00We don't know.
01:01Oh, where's the horrors?
01:02Oh, this indeed is a real collector's piece.
01:05A nuclear bomb.
01:07Is this going to be working order?
01:09Well, let's find out.
01:12Oh, dear.
01:14Radiation has been spread for miles around.
01:16But on the plus side, everyone now has exactly the same lurid complexion as me.
01:22Oh, what a bloody dazzler.
01:24International diplomacy.
01:25Cheap as chips.
01:26Dead ringers.
01:48It's true that I've handed over three billion pounds to Colonel Gaddafi, so I'll have a
01:54place to flee to after the war.
01:57Why Libya?
01:58Because I knew three billion pounds wouldn't be nearly enough to get me on the first rung
02:02of the property ladder in Britain.
02:05What a shame.
02:06I had my heart set on a maisonette in Surbiton.
02:11Just starting over on BBC One, it's a special programme about the recent new Labour drama,
02:16The Project, following the story of the tiny handful of mysterious clandestine people
02:21who actually bothered to watch it all the way through.
02:25Now, it's Newsnight.
02:28Good evening, I'm Kirsty Wark.
02:30He's been in here...
02:31Those headlines again with the consonants reinstated.
02:36After what has been widely accepted as the worst week in living memory for the royal family,
02:41the palace has finally released a statement on the Paul Burrell affair.
02:44And in keeping with other recent royal tragedies, it's been delivered by Sir Elton John.
02:49Goodbye, Paul Burrell.
03:01You cried only as a true friend can.
03:06Shedding teas for Princess Di.
03:10As you loaded up the van.
03:13And it seemed to me, when you got off, you should have shut your craw.
03:21Then the papers wouldn't be making you out to be camper than Barrymore.
03:28You said Diana spoke in colour, the Queen in black and white.
03:38Which, of course, makes you the one who speaks in flu and shade.
03:44Take it or leave it, mate.
03:56Prince Charles' cufflinks are 50 quid.
03:59You can have Prince Edward's nipple clamps for a fiver.
04:04A poison nerve gas attack that was scheduled to take place this week on the London Underground
04:08is now not taking place because the Al-Qaeda terrorists involved have all gone out on strike.
04:15They claim that with the ongoing firefighters' dispute, it's far too dangerous to work down there.
04:20They may well be suicidal, but they're not stupid.
04:22This week on Celebrity Fit Club, Anne Widdicombe is attempting to go the distance.
04:29Well, yes, yes, I admit I have been getting a few angry calls from my constituents
04:35saying they'd prefer not to see their MP in a shallow freak show with a load of washed-up nobodies.
04:40But then I've assured them that my involvement with the Tory party doesn't interfere one bit
04:44with my important work here at Celebrity Fit Club.
04:47New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure forever.
04:54Yes, Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films.
04:58Who can forget Alan's carefully honed performance in Die Hard?
05:02I'll get you, John McClane.
05:05His unique interpretation of the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood.
05:08I'll get you, Robin Hood.
05:11And, of course, his towering performance in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
05:15I'll get you, Harry Potter.
05:18Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him
05:22that he was now hopelessly typecast forever.
05:24I'll get you, lousy agent.
05:27Bye, Alan Rickman plays the token baddie,
05:29and get Dame Judi Dench plays every woman over 40 in every British form completely free.
05:34Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch.
05:36I'll get you, A.S. Byatt.
05:38People misunderstand me.
05:41They think that the only thing that Russell Crowe's about
05:44is stealing other men's wives and brawling at award ceremonies,
05:47which is nonsense,
05:49because I'm quite happy stealing other men's fiancés and brawling in the street as well.
05:52The BBC's search for a replacement for Angus Deaton on Have I Got News For You
05:59has run into trouble,
06:00as they've discovered that everyone working in television is a coke-snorting sex maniac.
06:05In fact, the last supposedly squeaky-clean favourite for the job
06:08has just been outed in the tabloids as another hellraiser.
06:12When Pudsey was high, he was even wilder in bed than Angus Deaton.
06:20He even talked me into a three-in-a-bed romp with my best friend, Slapper Hamble.
06:26It seems the charitable do-gooder Pudsey thought himself untouchable,
06:30but it's now emerged that the real reason he needed that eye patch
06:33was because all the drugs he's been taking have burst his stitches.
06:37Naturally, anyone who's ever worked with Pudsey
06:39has now crawled out of the woodwork with lurid stories.
06:42This one wished to remain anonymous.
06:45What's that?
06:48You both snorted coke off a panda's tits.
06:54It seems the outlook for Pudsey is bleak,
06:56with him being shunned by former colleagues,
06:58demonised in the tabloids,
07:00and, most degrading of all,
07:01forced to go on tonight with Trevor MacDonald.
07:04This week, in the bung,
07:05the secret truth about Di from even more complete nobodies
07:08with only the most tenuous links with her life,
07:10like the bloke who once sold her a newspaper.
07:12It's the story they all wanted.
07:14Our one simple sentence,
07:16I think you've given me the wrong change,
07:19revealed to me Diana's inner turmoil.
07:22I was the only person she really trusted.
07:24And you'll only read it in the bung.
07:27Read what the real Di was like
07:29from the bloke who waved a flag as she sped past in a big car.
07:32I was the only person she really trusted.
07:36Read all about my amazing story only in the bung.
07:39And read the exclusive insights from an old woman
07:41who met her once or twice in a big house.
07:43Yes, I met her once.
07:47She was lovely.
07:48Not a jumped-up anorexic trollop at all.
07:52Read my story exclusively in the bung.
07:57Can one have one's money now?
08:06Slightly cold sort of day, isn't it, today?
08:09Very cold sort of day.
08:10Very cold sort of day.
08:11I suppose I should start by asking everybody,
08:14when did you decide you wanted to take a seat at a bus stop
08:17in this particular way?
08:21Why?
08:23It's a very typical bus stop, I know,
08:25but what was it about this particular bus stop
08:27that drew you to want to take a seat here
08:29and wait for a bus today in this way?
08:35I don't know.
08:35I don't know.
08:37Just had a certain sort of bus stop type jam, I suppose.
08:40It attracts a lot of people here.
08:42I mean, have you ever taken a seat at a bus stop
08:46that you felt simply wasn't right for you
08:48and that you had to move on quite quickly after that?
08:52Yes, sometimes it can happen, yes.
08:54Sometimes.
08:54Did that happen with the great Muhammad Ali,
08:56Spike Milligan, or the late Gene Kelly?
09:00I haven't met no one of them.
09:02No, I never met them.
09:02No, I did on many, many occasions
09:04and find fellows that they were too.
09:08If I can just go back a little while now
09:09because legend has it that your first bus stop
09:12was shown to you by your parents
09:14and that you taught yourself to sit at it
09:16from a very early age.
09:17Is that true?
09:17No, because I don't remember that time.
09:22Sitting at a bus stop,
09:23is this something you still enjoy,
09:25you get a great deal of joy from?
09:30There's a dustbin wagon in the way for a moment, isn't there?
09:33It's so much fun.
09:34We'll wait for that to go for a moment.
09:37I think I'll just go and help the man.
09:38Come over this way.
09:40I mean, when was the first time
09:41that you wanted to be a refuse collector?
09:43You never did.
09:46It just goes in there like that.
09:48I mean, once you've thrown that rubbish into the wagon,
09:52where does it go?
09:53What is the next stage?
09:54What is the next level?
09:56Well, Brentford.
09:56It goes to Brentford.
09:58It's down the tip.
09:59It's got a big chute there.
09:59It gets crushed up.
10:01Yes, yes.
10:01It gets loaded onto these trains
10:02and it goes off Swatstead-wise somewhere.
10:04I mean, have you ever collected rubbish
10:06for the great Muhammad Ali, Gene Kelly,
10:08or the late Spike Milligan?
10:10No, I wouldn't have.
10:11No, no, okay.
10:12Well, I think you do a tremendous job
10:14and it's very nice to meet you.
10:15Just time to say that this gentleman's book,
10:17Collecting Garbage, comes out very, very, very
10:20tremendous role of us.
10:21Thank you very much indeed.
10:25I'm warning you, Bush and Blair,
10:27attack the Iraqi people
10:29and we will have no choice but to strike back.
10:32You think that we don't have sophisticated weaponry
10:35capable of defeating the most powerful military superpower
10:39the world has ever known?
10:40And you are completely right.
10:44But, hidden deep in an underground storage vault,
10:48we do have something far more terrible
10:50than nuclear weapons or chemical bombs
10:52that we could unleash.
10:55My huge stockpile of unfashionable 1970s...
10:59moustaches!
11:00If you thought being turned into chip fat
11:04by a dirty bomb was scary,
11:07try living out the rest of your life
11:08looking like a cross between me,
11:10Robert Winston and Jeremy Bowen.
11:13It's not pretty.
11:15My name is Greg Dyke
11:20and I am Director General of the BBC.
11:23Not a lot of people know that.
11:25Muffin the Mule, yeah, I'll bring it back,
11:27but they'll have to film it underwater.
11:29Now, ITV have nicked the rights
11:31for bloody Miss Marple from my BBC.
11:33Yes, they did.
11:34So, I am going to get even.
11:37I'm going to go through every Miss Marple book
11:39and tell you who's done it.
11:41So, murder in the vicarage,
11:42it was that Ponzi Art, this bloke.
11:44The moving finger, the policeman done it.
11:46The 450 from Paddington, Dr Quimper.
11:48A murder is announced.
11:50It was a kangaroo who had done it.
11:52I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?
11:53Job done.
11:54Mr. President,
11:59the boys in intelligence
12:00think this would be a good idea.
12:02I learned a long time ago
12:03not to rely on intelligence.
12:05Besides, why should I be entrustificated
12:06in another tape that Ben Laden's made?
12:08He never sings nothing
12:09about the S Club Juniors.
12:10Because, sir,
12:11it may help us to understand our enemy.
12:14Okay.
12:18Death to the infidus
12:20and peace to the triumph.
12:22Oh, no, no, no, no.
12:27Sir, you've taped Sesame Street
12:28over another of Osama's terror warnings again.
12:31No, no, no, no, no.
12:32It's just Ben Laden
12:32trying a new terror tactification on us.
12:34Living in a dustbin,
12:36being grouchy
12:36when people ask him to sing stuff.
12:38His refusal to acknowledge
12:39that the letter Z
12:40is a really important letter.
12:41It's shockerating.
12:42Sir, sir,
12:43you've got to stop doing this.
12:44We're giving these tapes to the CIA.
12:46I mean, already they've got Big Bird,
12:48Elmo, Bert, and Ernie
12:49interred at Camp X-Ray.
12:51Thank goodness, sir.
12:52They have.
12:53How else could we warn
12:54the Armenian people
12:55that the next attack
12:56would not come from Al-Qaeda,
12:57but will be brought to us
12:58by the Children's Television Workshop?
13:02Hello, loves,
13:03and God bless.
13:05Welcome to Zora's
13:06Nice History of Britain,
13:08where we refuse to dwell
13:10on the unpleasant side of life.
13:12Now, last week,
13:13I told you all about
13:15lovely King Henry VIII
13:16and how he was married
13:18to the same woman
13:19for 53 years
13:20and love-making doilies.
13:23God bless his big fat face.
13:25This is Edge Hill
13:28in Warwickshire.
13:30Now, some historians
13:31will tell you
13:32that in November 1642,
13:35a bloody battle,
13:36excuse my language,
13:38took place here,
13:39with lots of vicious fighting
13:41and thousands of casualties.
13:43Stuff and nonsense.
13:46Let's go to the top of the hill
13:48and find out
13:49what really happened.
14:01In this re-enactment,
14:03we can see that
14:04the parliamentarians
14:05came from that side.
14:10And the royalists
14:11came from that side.
14:18And they met here
14:22at the top of the hill.
14:24And then,
14:25they had a nice picnic.
14:27Oh, that's nice.
14:28That's nice.
14:29I say, it's very good
14:30for keeping things fresh,
14:31is that Tupperware,
14:31isn't it?
14:33It's lovely, is that?
14:35You've got a nice big thermos,
14:37haven't you?
14:37Oh, that's lovely.
14:39It was decided
14:40that the parliamentarians
14:42had won
14:42because they'd brought
14:43by far the most interesting
14:45selection of sandwiches,
14:47pastries,
14:47and even the odd
14:48Charlie cake.
14:51Next week,
14:51I'll be looking at
14:52the so-called
14:53bubonic plague,
14:54or a bit of a chesty cough,
14:56as I like to call it.
14:57God bless, love.
15:00Trust me,
15:01do the fingertips
15:02with sandpaper,
15:03then chuck him in the river.
15:05I'm speaking to you tonight
15:07on behalf of newsreaders
15:08in need.
15:09Please, please,
15:10please, please
15:11stop making us
15:12dress up in leather
15:13miniskirts
15:13and my amount of date
15:14show tunes
15:15under the pretext
15:16of being a bit zany
15:17for charity.
15:18It isn't zany,
15:20it's bollocks.
15:22Bad enough
15:22Andrew Marr
15:23looking like a freak
15:24all year round
15:24without the rest of us
15:25joining in.
15:26Please stop it.
15:28G'day,
15:29and welcome
15:30to Rolf on Art.
15:31Today,
15:31for a change,
15:32we're focusing
15:33on modern Brit art,
15:34you know,
15:34like Damien Hirst.
15:35in fact,
15:36I've even had a bit
15:37of a go
15:37at a Damien Hirst
15:38creation myself.
15:40What?
15:42This isn't
15:43Rolf on Art.
15:44It's Animal Hospital.
15:51Seems that
15:52little Frisky
15:52was too weak,
15:53too feeble,
15:54and he just didn't
15:55make it all
15:55the way to the table.
15:56Definitely.
15:59Although,
16:00is that the builders?
16:01Excellent.
16:02My name is
16:03Maximus Decimus Meridius,
16:04it was my home
16:05in St. Albans,
16:06but it's been destroyed,
16:07and I'd like you
16:08to try and fix it.
16:10I need to know
16:10how much.
16:12Can you see me
16:12in the morning?
16:14So they have told you
16:15about our requirements
16:16of this site?
16:16No,
16:17I know nothing.
16:19All I was asked
16:20was to come down today
16:20and speak to you.
16:21I see.
16:22There was some work
16:23that needed to do.
16:26And to have a word
16:26of you,
16:27and see what
16:28the situation was.
16:31So no communication
16:31from Quintus?
16:35Quintus is one
16:35of my allies.
16:36Oh, right.
16:36Fine soldier
16:39of the Felix Legions.
16:41He was slaughtered.
16:43All right.
16:44What, what,
16:45what is your,
16:47what are your needs
16:48at the moment?
16:48What do you require?
16:50Well,
16:50we need to fortify
16:51these walls.
16:53Strong enough
16:54to repel invasion
16:55from Visigoths
16:58or the Huns
16:59or the Barbarians.
17:02We must be ready
17:02for invasion
17:03at any time.
17:05And the triumphal arch
17:06there isn't
17:08any kind of
17:09triumphal arch there.
17:10So, um,
17:12we might put one in.
17:15Have you got any drawings
17:16as to how,
17:17how far you want
17:18to bring them up?
17:18Or,
17:19are there any special
17:20openings or features
17:21you want in them?
17:22Or...
17:22I did have such drawings
17:23on Slate,
17:24but they were stolen
17:25by Proximo and Gracchus.
17:26in a place far away.
17:30Um,
17:31secondly,
17:32it's best if we can,
17:33uh,
17:34just see over
17:35in this corner here.
17:36Sure.
17:36If we just
17:37kneel down,
17:38uh,
17:39you get a better view.
17:40Go on it.
17:40Kneel,
17:41kneel with me, brother.
17:44Feel the earth
17:45between our hands.
17:48Rub it together
17:49for good measure.
17:49going on,
17:54my brother of the soil.
17:56Yes,
17:57we shall see
17:57many glories here.
18:01Sir,
18:02I think so.
18:03Our enemies
18:03will feel that
18:04they were cursed,
18:04that they were not here.
18:06Slice this
18:07through another man's flesh.
18:08They will love you for that.
18:10What is your name?
18:11Mick.
18:12Mick.
18:13I'll call you
18:13Mickus.
18:14I don't know.
18:15Mickus.
18:16Be victorious
18:17by the sword,
18:17Mickus.
18:18You too shall win
18:20your freedom.
18:20Ow.
18:24It's very hard
18:25to choose
18:26my greatest Britain.
18:28Should it be
18:28Mr Kipling,
18:29Mr Sheen,
18:31or even Mr Mussel?
18:32But I think
18:33in the end
18:34it had to be
18:34a dead heat
18:36between Mr Marks
18:38and Mr Spencer.
18:39Well,
18:40they do make
18:41exceedingly good
18:42foundation garments.
18:44Welcome back.
18:45I'm Kirsty Wark.
18:46Soft,
18:46strong,
18:47and very,
18:47very long.
18:49Following weeks
18:50of fevered speculation,
18:51a Tory leadership
18:52challenger has finally
18:53thrown his hat
18:53into the ring.
18:55Me?
18:56Now,
18:57I'm everything
18:57you'd expect
18:58a Conservative
18:59party leader to be.
19:01Everybody hates me,
19:02and I'm very
19:04anti-European.
19:06I'm joined now
19:07by Ian Duncan-Smith.
19:08Mr Duncan-Smith,
19:09are you confident
19:10of seeing
19:10Officer Dam Hussein's
19:11challenge?
19:12Obviously,
19:13I have to take
19:14this challenge
19:14very seriously,
19:16because recent polls
19:17do show
19:18Saddam
19:18to be more
19:19popular than I am.
19:21It could be worse.
19:22If Genghis Khan
19:23or Hitler
19:24were still alive,
19:25I'd be really
19:26worried.
19:27It's very hard
19:28being the most
19:29unpopular man
19:30in the world.
19:32After Richie Blackwood,
19:33of course.
19:34But what do
19:35Tory and
19:36keys make
19:36of this challenge,
19:37joining me from
19:38Fit Club
19:38as Anne Weddekin?
19:40Personally,
19:40I welcome
19:41Saddam's challenge.
19:43Admittedly,
19:43he's an evil,
19:44bloodthirsty tyrant
19:45who has murdered
19:45his own people
19:46whilst building up
19:46weapons of mass
19:47destruction.
19:48But at least
19:49he's not gay
19:49or an asylum seeker.
19:51So how's that
19:51worried you at all,
19:52Mr Duncan-Smith?
19:53Not in the slightest.
19:58I speak to you
19:59today to answer
20:01the criticism
20:01of one's
20:02involvement
20:03in the trial
20:03of Paul Burrell.
20:05I did not
20:06deliberately
20:07withhold
20:07my vital testimony
20:09and I am
20:10displeased
20:11to be characterised
20:12as a closeted
20:13scatterbrain
20:14who holds
20:15the answers
20:15to the great
20:16unsolved questions
20:17without realising it.
20:20Indeed,
20:21I made this exact
20:22point to Lord
20:22Lucan
20:23only yesterday.
20:25On the contrary,
20:27I am a keen
20:27follower of
20:28current affairs.
20:30I remember
20:31precisely where
20:32I was when
20:33President Kennedy
20:33was shot,
20:35having a three-hour
20:36discussion with
20:36Lee Harvey Oswald
20:38in a Dallas
20:38book depository.
20:40So I hope
20:41I shall now
20:42be left in peace
20:43to fulfil
20:44my duties,
20:46care for my
20:47family,
20:47and take my
20:48daily rides
20:49on my horse,
20:50Shergar.
20:53Who is my
20:54greatest Briton,
20:55Tony Briton,
20:56who gave many
20:57fine performances
20:58in Robin's Nest?
21:00Welcome to
21:01Late Review,
21:02post-match analysis
21:03The Toss.
21:04We start with
21:05film and the
21:06latest Dr.
21:07Zeus story to get
21:07the big screen
21:08treatment,
21:09The Cat in the Hat,
21:10starring Mike Myers.
21:12Germaine Greyer,
21:13what did you think?
21:14I thought it was
21:14terrible.
21:15It was so boring
21:16and unpredictable.
21:18And that awful
21:18way they spoke.
21:19I mean,
21:19does anyone really
21:20speak like that?
21:22I went to the cinema
21:23and I hated it.
21:24Well, would you
21:25watch it on a train?
21:26I would not
21:26watch it on a train.
21:27Well, would you
21:28watch it on a plane?
21:29Not on a plane,
21:30not on a train.
21:31I would not
21:32watch it here,
21:33I would not
21:33watch it there,
21:34I would not
21:35watch it anywhere.
21:36Tom Paulin,
21:37your thoughts?
21:38I mean,
21:39this was a film
21:40I wanted to enjoy,
21:41but I really
21:42didn't like it.
21:44You didn't like it?
21:45I did not like it,
21:46not one bit.
21:47Well, would you
21:48watch it in the hall?
21:49Oh, not in the hall.
21:50I did not like
21:53the film at all.
21:54Right, if I could
21:55turn to my last
21:56guest in the hope
21:57of getting some
21:57slightly more in-depth
21:58and carefully
21:59thought-out analysis.
22:01Hello, I'm
22:01Mariela Frost.
22:03Second thoughts,
22:04back to you, Tom.
22:05Now, I know
22:06I've said this before,
22:07but I really
22:08cannot stress enough
22:10the importance
22:11of a really good
22:12solid bottom,
22:13which is why
22:14I'm choosing
22:15Ainsley Harriot
22:16as my greatest
22:17Britain.
22:22Hello,
22:23and welcome
22:24to a new series
22:25of yet another
22:26history programme,
22:28and I'm
22:28Dr Simon Sharma.
22:30This week,
22:31we look at the reign
22:32of Henry VIII,
22:34the Tudor monarch
22:35who gambled
22:36his kingship,
22:37upset the status quo,
22:39and sliced
22:40the church
22:41in two.
22:43The BBC
22:43would like to point out
22:44that because of
22:45the massive fee
22:46paid to Dr Simon Sharma,
22:48it has only been
22:48possible to use
22:49three illustrative props
22:50for this programme.
22:51We hope this
22:52does not mar
22:53your enjoyment.
22:55In 1529,
22:57the king
22:57felt isolated.
23:00Except for the woman
23:02who had given him
23:03no heirs,
23:04there was a chance
23:05that the marriage
23:05could split.
23:07But he could
23:08restore balance
23:09by making Anne Boleyn
23:11his queen.
23:12The various options
23:14had to be weighed.
23:16Should he
23:17put his cards
23:18on the table
23:19or should he wait?
23:21Henry disliked Rome
23:23and didn't want
23:25to build bridges.
23:27Instead,
23:28he decided
23:29to upset the equilibrium
23:31to have his cake
23:33and eat it too.
23:37Ignoring the advice
23:38of card
23:39in a wolsey,
23:42Henry broke off
23:44ties with Rome,
23:45established the
23:46Church of England
23:47and began
23:49the dissolution
23:50of the monasteries.
23:52All hell broke loose.
23:53And then
23:57Thomas More,
23:58Hampton Court,
23:58et cetera,
23:59et cetera,
24:00the end.
24:01I'm off to count
24:01my money now,
24:02but I'll be back
24:03next week
24:04when I'll do
24:04the whole renaissance
24:05with nothing
24:06but a compass,
24:07a pipe
24:07and a potato.
24:10Great news,
24:11Mr. President.
24:12I get to play
24:13Dumbledore
24:13in the next
24:14Larry Potter movie?
24:15Ah, no, sir, no.
24:16Not from Warner Brothers.
24:17We still haven't heard
24:18back from them yet, sir.
24:19No, it's from the UN.
24:21Our weapons inspectors
24:22are going in, sir.
24:22And why should I
24:23be entrustificated
24:24in that?
24:25Because we need
24:26a report, sir,
24:27before we invade Iraq.
24:29No, we don't.
24:30Besides,
24:31we're not invading Iraq.
24:32We're invading T-Rack.
24:33Take a look
24:34at the surveillance pictures.
24:36Sir, sir,
24:37that's not T-Rack.
24:39That's Ty-Rack.
24:40It's a store
24:41in Britain
24:41that sells ties.
24:43That's just what
24:43they want you to think.
24:45You see,
24:45they're called Ty-Rack,
24:46but they also sell
24:47cufflinks and underpants.
24:49And are we meant
24:50to acceptify
24:50that it's mere
24:51coincidencification
24:52that they lurk
24:53in every airport
24:54and rail station?
24:55Sir,
24:56if we invade Ty-Rack,
24:58you're going to be
24:59a laughing stock.
25:01I have a choice.
25:03It's another happy day
25:05here at the
25:06brightly colored
25:07blob's house.
25:08That's Plinky,
25:09Flommet,
25:10and Bobo.
25:11Can you understand
25:12what the brightly colored
25:13blobs are saying,
25:14children?
25:15No?
25:15We could if they
25:16stepped closer.
25:20That's right.
25:21It's a load of
25:22nonsense words
25:23that mean
25:23absolutely nothing.
25:25Well, you try
25:26selling this rubbish
25:26to over 50 countries.
25:27It's not easy.
25:28We're just like the others
25:30at first sight,
25:32but we don't
25:34infringe copyright.
25:36Otherwise,
25:37Auntie BBC's
25:39arse would get sued
25:41by the Teletubbies.
25:44Let's ask Bobo a question.
25:47Bobo,
25:48are you a boy?
25:50Bobo,
25:51are you a girl?
25:51Are you totally asexual
25:54to make it easier
25:55to sell this show
25:55to the lucrative
25:56Middle East market?
25:57Is that some
26:01merchandise
26:01you're holding?
26:04If we fill
26:05the shops
26:06with this trash,
26:07BBC bosses
26:09will get loads
26:10of cash.
26:11Our sales
26:12targets
26:13won't be beaten,
26:15they'll snort
26:15more coke
26:16than Angus
26:17beaten.
26:21I mean,
26:22I think we need
26:23to rebuild
26:24some of these
26:25fortifications,
26:26strengthen them.
26:26OK,
26:27is there any
26:27spec-
26:28Who did it
26:28originally?
26:29I mean,
26:30lovely,
26:30lovely country,
26:31didn't they?
26:32Yes,
26:32I think they have
26:33to a very
26:34low standard.
26:36I don't know
26:36who did it.
26:37They may have
26:38been crucified
26:39for such work
26:39since.
26:40I don't know.
26:41You want to
26:42reconstruct something
26:43now?
26:43Yeah,
26:43to reconstruct
26:44my home.
26:45Just know
26:45down the
26:45specifications.
26:46The gates,
26:49beyond that,
26:50the poplar tree,
26:51and on the slopes,
26:53olives to the
26:54north,
26:54grapes to the
26:55east.
26:56And around
26:58the age of
26:58soil.
26:59Soil as black
27:00as my wife's
27:01hair.
27:03And if you
27:03can just take
27:05down the frame
27:05where they were
27:06burned and
27:07crucified by
27:07Commodus'
27:08soldiers.
27:11It's a bit of a
27:12shame that these
27:12walls have
27:12crumbled.
27:14Being only a
27:14couple of
27:15thousand years
27:15old, they're
27:15quite new.
27:17Must have been
27:17charlatans who
27:18built these
27:18walls.
27:20I hope they
27:20weren't from
27:21your firm.
27:21No, I don't
27:22think so.
27:22I don't think
27:22we were around
27:23then, actually.
27:24What about the
27:25paths?
27:26How could we
27:26improve these
27:27paths?
27:27Um, I think I
27:29could try
27:29decking them.
27:30Decking them.
27:35What I'll do is
27:35I'll make a few
27:36notes and I'll get
27:36Kevin to come
27:37back with you.
27:39Um...
27:39Decking, I'm not
27:40too sure I like the
27:41sound of decking.
27:42What about in
27:43Saxon paving?
27:44Paving.
27:45Do that?
27:46I'm good to go.
27:47Then again, not in
27:48Saxon paving.
27:49Ah, yeah, Roman.
27:50The Saxons are an
27:51evil scum who
27:52should be wiped
27:52away.
27:55In three weeks
27:55from now I shall
27:56be harvesting my
27:57crops.
27:58Imagine where you
27:58will be, and it
27:59will be so.
28:00Right, so I shall
28:01get him to give
28:01you a ring within
28:02a couple of days
28:02or so, yeah?
28:03And if you find
28:04yourself walking
28:05around in green
28:06fields with the sun
28:07on your face, do
28:08not be troubled, for
28:09you are in Elysium
28:10and you're already
28:11dead.
28:16Tomorrow night at
28:17nine over on
28:18ITV1, there'll
28:19be someone who
28:19used to be in
28:20EastEnders or
28:21Soldier Soldier on
28:22the hunt of a
28:23serial killer.
28:24I haven't actually
28:24looked in the
28:25schedules, but it's
28:25bound to be, isn't
28:26it?
28:26It usually is.
28:27Yeah, there it
28:28is, thought so.
28:33Look, if he
28:33starts to make
28:34trouble, just cut
28:35something off and
28:35send it to his
28:36wife.
28:39Noel Gallagher has
28:40refused to appear
28:41on an edition of
28:41This Is Your Life.
28:43He says it would
28:43bring back too many
28:44bitter personal
28:45memories.
28:46The split with
28:46Paul McCartney,
28:47marital problems
28:48with Yoko, and of
28:50course getting
28:51fatally shot in
28:521980.
Recommended
23:55
|
Up next
24:03
23:15
23:36
22:56
29:39
29:44
29:00
1:04:05
1:06:12
50:02
24:04
29:30
28:13
28:56
28:58
29:04
21:20
20:57
22:58
21:33