- 19/06/2025
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00:00Hello, how do you do?
00:30My wife wears the trousers, no question, no question.
00:36But we're hoping to get a second pair sometime later.
00:39My ideal woman, erm...
00:43really, a TR4.
00:46Lavatories. Love them or loathe them, they're here to stay.
00:51We use them, we lavish our affection on them,
00:54we clean them, polish them.
00:56Some of us spend up to half our lives in them.
00:59We read specialist lavatory magazines,
01:01spend money on the latest models
01:03with air-conditioning stereos and two-speed wipers.
01:06Some of us even race them.
01:09No, no, no, no, no. What?
01:11Cars. You mean cars, not lavatories?
01:15Oh, yes!
01:18Sorry. Cars.
01:21How much do we know about them?
01:23We sit in them once a day and trust them
01:25to carry our effluent away safely, cleanly,
01:28efficiently, efficiently.
01:30Whether they're porcelain, plastic or fibreglass,
01:32lever or button flush, we...
01:34No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:36No, no, no.
01:37Lavatories?
01:38You mean lavatories?
01:40Oh, yes.
01:44The beginnings of the modern lavatory were humble enough.
01:47In 1793, Johannes Krell of Leipzig constructed the first simple metal cabinet
01:53using inert gases condensing to chill the cabinet to three degrees centigrade.
01:58The first dew bin or salad crisper started to appear in them.
02:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:04Fridges.
02:05Huh?
02:06You mean fridges now?
02:07You're talking about fridges.
02:08Fridges.
02:13Like them or loathe them, you can't ignore them.
02:16Everyone's talking about fridges.
02:18Whether you're buying or selling a property,
02:20sooner or later, you'll come in contact with a fridge.
02:23Their commission is an important part of your house buying...
02:26No, no, no.
02:27No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:30Estate agents?
02:31You're talking about estate agents?
02:33You can't live with them, you can't live with them.
02:46With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles,
02:51estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair.
02:56If you try and kill them, you're put in prison.
02:59If you try and talk to them, you vomit.
03:02There's only one thing worse than an estate agent,
03:06but that at least can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed.
03:11Estate agents, love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.
03:17Is that all right?
03:18It's fine, fine.
03:20Simon Flitteris, you saw that sketch, I assume you were disappointed.
03:24Yes, I thought it was predictable, really.
03:26You predicted it, did you?
03:27Yes, I predicted it.
03:29I thought the choice of targets was predictable.
03:32Yeah, estate agents.
03:33Where?
03:34The target of that last sketch was estate agents.
03:36Was it?
03:37I didn't really notice.
03:38I thought the choice of language was also predictable.
03:41Yes, I think English was a sadly predictable language.
03:44Which is a shame.
03:45It is a shame, especially if you don't speak it.
03:48A bigger shame if you do.
03:50But I suppose one could have predicted it.
03:52I suppose so.
03:53Can you predict what the next sketch will be?
03:54Oh, a parody of Traitor Island.
03:56So, Miss Taliot, you are seriously asking the court to believe that on the 14th of November last year, the very night, I would remind the court, on which the crime that my client is accused of committing took place, you just happened to be walking in the park.
04:14That is correct.
04:15That is what?
04:16Correct.
04:17Oh, it is correct.
04:18Is it?
04:19I see.
04:20I wonder, Miss Taliot, whether you were aware that the American novelist Gertrude Stein was
04:27a self-confessed lesbian.
04:29Well, I believe so.
04:32You believe so?
04:34Miss Taliot, Gertrude Stein remains one of the most celebrated novelists of the 20th century.
04:41Her lesbotic tendencies are a matter of public record.
04:44Yes?
04:45Yes.
04:46But you only believe that she is a lesbian.
04:53I've never really thought about it.
04:54No.
04:55I've never read any of her works.
04:56Come, come, Miss Taliot.
04:58There is not two streets away from your flat.
05:02A bookshop where the works of Gertrude Stein are openly on display.
05:08Oh?
05:09Yes.
05:10No.
05:11And you are asking this jury to believe that on the numerous occasions upon which you must,
05:15during the course of your duties as a woman, have passed this shop while shopping, for
05:20example, you have never entered its premises and bought a single volume by this openly lesbicious
05:27writer.
05:29Mr Foley, I'm afraid I really fail to see where this line of questioning is leading us.
05:34Well, with your lordship's permission, I am trying to establish that this witness has been
05:39guilty of weaving a transparent tissue of farragos, a catalogue of litanies, and that far from
05:46being the respectable president of a children's charity and ambassador's daughter that my
05:51own the counsel for the prosecution would have us believe, she is, in fact, an active, promiscuous,
05:56and voracious lesbite.
06:00I see.
06:01We'll carry on.
06:02But, Mr Foley, I must warn you that if you attempt to ballyrag or bulldoze this witness,
06:06I shall take a very dim view of it.
06:08Your lordship is most pretty.
06:09Very well, then, you may just...
06:12Are you aware, Miss Taliot?
06:14It's Mrs, actually.
06:16Oh!
06:17Oh, I do beg your pardon.
06:20Oh, well, if you wish to make such a meal of it, I, for one, shall certainly not stand
06:24in your way, Mrs Taliot, if that is how you prefer to be known.
06:28Well, it's how my husband prefers me to be known.
06:30Ah, yes, your husband.
06:33Your husband, the well-known bishop.
06:35Yes?
06:36Yes, a bishop in the religion, the Church of England, I believe it calls itself, which
06:40owns land, much land.
06:42Land on which houses have been built.
06:44Houses in which it is statistically probable that private acts of lesboid love have been
06:50committed.
06:52Ah, Mr Foley, I feel that once again I must rein you in.
06:56I myself am a member of this selfsame church, are we to imply from the tenor of your thrusts
07:01that I am a lesbian?
07:03Oh, your lordship misunderstands me.
07:04Well, I hope so.
07:05I hope the day is very far distant, on which I could ever be accused of making love to
07:09a woman.
07:11I absolutely adore your lordship.
07:14Attraction to women, however repellent as it may be to persons of sensibility, is not
07:19in itself a crime.
07:20No, I long to nestle between your lordship's thighs.
07:23We must therefore remember, Mr Foley, in our enthusiasm to get to this bottom, that Miss
07:29Taliot is not on trial.
07:31She is a witness.
07:32However depraved and wicked her acts of lust, they, in all their disgusting and depraved bestiality,
07:40are not in themselves the subject of this assise.
07:43Your lordship is adorable, my love.
07:44Very well.
07:45Proceed.
07:46Thank you, my love.
07:47Now, I do not propose, Miss Taliot, to burden the jury with any more details of your sordid
07:54and disreputable erotic career than is necessary.
07:58I merely wish to know, for my own private elucidation, how it is that you expect a British jury to
08:04believe the testimony of a monstrous bull dyke of your standing against that of a respectable
08:10businessman.
08:11I am merely reporting what I saw.
08:13What you saw?
08:14What you saw through eyes dimmed with lust?
08:17What you saw maddened by the noxious juices of your notorious practices?
08:22What I saw on my way back from the parish council meeting.
08:25Is it not a fact, Miss Taliot, that the words parish council are an infamous anagram of the
08:33words lesbian crouch?
08:36You hesitate, Miss Taliot?
08:38Well, I would...
08:39You stand condemned out of your own soiled and contaminated mouth.
08:41I...
08:42No further questions, Miss Taliot.
08:43No!
08:44No further questions.
08:45Thank you, Mrs. Taliot.
08:48You may stand down, Mr. Lesbian.
08:52Oh.
08:53Will you be in for tea tonight, Jeremy?
08:56Certainly, Mother.
08:57Call Sir Anthony Noon-Pendam.
08:59Silent Flitterous, you saw that sketch.
09:03What did you think was going on there?
09:05Well, you know, again, it was trite, rather predictable.
09:09I don't know what the word is you'd use to describe it, really.
09:11Squib?
09:12Sort of, yes.
09:13Cod, spoof, guying, take-off, pastiche, parody.
09:16Yeah.
09:17What did you think of the two central performances?
09:19I'd have welcomed them.
09:22I like the clever and original use of words.
09:25Not at all.
09:26Your clever and original use of words have recently been gathered in a book form, I understand.
09:29That's right.
09:30Yes, well received?
09:31Well, you know what critics are.
09:32I mean, what do they know about the work we do?
09:33Oh, quite so.
09:34Quietly so.
09:35Quietly so, Inington.
09:36I've returned to this spoof, cod, squib, pastiche parody, guying of conventions.
09:41My main worry was that it didn't tell us anything about the relationship between the two main characters.
09:45I think that's very neatly put, indeed.
09:47I mean, where were the truths about relationships in England today, this afternoon, here, now, today, this evening, now?
09:52You couldn't see them from where I was lying?
09:54No, I hated it.
09:55So, two out of ten for trying, then?
09:56That's right.
09:57It just wasn't your cup of tea?
09:58No, no.
09:59That's my cup of tea.
10:00That's my cup of tea.
10:02Oh.
10:03Who's mine?
10:04We used to, er, come round, er, on the first January of every month, and then just pass out again, straight away.
10:13Rumbelos of the Bailey.
10:15Trigonometry.
10:16That was my favourite.
10:17Especially the blonde one.
10:18No, actually, I shouldn't only be wearing these, because these are my eating glasses.
10:21Sorry, I'm late.
10:24Sorry.
10:25Er, I've kept you waiting.
10:26Er, that's rude of me.
10:27Sorry.
10:28Okay.
10:29Right, now, let's get cracking.
10:30Er, who's had a chance to look at Romeo and Juliet since last week?
10:33Anybody?
10:34No.
10:35Er, well, I know, you know, you've all been busy.
10:38It's difficult to make time.
10:39But, er, anybody at all?
10:40No.
10:41Okay.
10:42Good.
10:43Right, so you're all coming to it fresh.
10:44That's probably better, in fact.
10:45In fact, well done.
10:46Good.
10:47Er, right, now, er, first of all, this is Mr Lewis.
10:50He's just popped in to see how we're all getting on.
10:52Er, just ignore him.
10:53Er, well, don't ignore him.
10:54But, er, you know.
10:55Er, well, here's an instructor.
10:56Well, here's an instructor.
10:57I wonder, who can tell me what ignore means?
11:00Anyone tell me what ignore means?
11:04Nobody.
11:05Right.
11:06Okay.
11:07Er, ignore means, um, er, not to pay too much attention to something.
11:10Not to be all that...
11:11Tony, wake up.
11:12Ah, thanks.
11:13Er, not to be all that bothered by something.
11:15Er, if you like, Tony was ignoring me just then.
11:17Okay.
11:18So, so that's ignore.
11:19Well, who'd like me to write it down?
11:20Should we write it down?
11:21Hands up.
11:22Who'd like me to write it down?
11:23Ignore.
11:24No one.
11:25Okay.
11:26So we're happy with ignore.
11:27Good.
11:28All right, then.
11:29Oh.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Er, Rosie.
11:32It's, er, it's B-A-S-T-A-R-D.
11:35Yeah?
11:36Otherwise, good.
11:37Er.
11:38Right.
11:39Now.
11:40Romeo and Juliet.
11:41Er, what do you think?
11:42Should we talk about it first and then read it?
11:43Or, or...
11:44I mean, hands up.
11:45Who'd like to talk about it first?
11:46No.
11:47Okay.
11:48Well, I agree.
11:49Let's, let's just get straight in and read it, for heaven's sake.
11:51Er, I always like to get him involved as soon as possible.
11:53Okay.
11:54So.
11:55Romeo and Juliet.
11:56Er, do we have a Juliet?
11:57Who'd like to read Juliet?
11:58Anybody?
11:59Anybody like to...
12:00What about a Romeo?
12:01Oh, we've got to have a Romeo, yeah?
12:02A couple of Romeos.
12:03Maybe, what?
12:04One, one Romeo, eh?
12:05Er.
12:06No.
12:07Okay.
12:08Fine.
12:09I'll, I'll, I'll read them both, because then you can get a chance to...
12:11This is Juliet speaking, right?
12:12Er.
12:13Er.
12:14Come on.
12:15It's not yet, yet near day.
12:16Er.
12:17It was the Nightingale.
12:18Not the lark.
12:19Erm.
12:20Er.
12:21Er.
12:22That pierced the, the fearful hollow of thine ear.
12:23Erm.
12:24Likely she sings, on yond pomegranate tree.
12:26Believe me, love.
12:27It was the Nightingale.
12:28Er.
12:29This is Romeo now.
12:30Erm.
12:31It was the lark.
12:32The herald of the morn.
12:33No Nightingale.
12:34Look, love.
12:35What envious streets do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.
12:38Okay.
12:39Now.
12:40Phew.
12:41Erm.
12:42Right.
12:43Having heard that, from what you've just heard, what relevance do you think Romeo and Juliet has to today's Britain?
12:49Who, who thinks it's got any, any, any relevance at all?
12:53No one.
12:54Okay.
12:55Right.
12:56So, so we think it's irrelevant, do we?
12:58Ah.
12:59Ah.
13:00Interesting.
13:01Right.
13:02So nobody, we don't think it's relevant.
13:03We don't think it's irrelevant either.
13:05Yeah?
13:06It's sort of, it's sort of in between.
13:07Yeah?
13:08It's any kind of a grey area.
13:09Now.
13:10It's interesting.
13:11Good.
13:12Why do you think, why do you think Shakespeare wrote something that was in a grey area?
13:16What did he mean by it?
13:17Did he mean anything by it?
13:18Maybe he's just, just being stupid?
13:20Erm.
13:21Who thinks that?
13:22Hands up those people who think Shakespeare was being stupid.
13:24No.
13:25Sorry.
13:26Alright.
13:27No.
13:28Stupid.
13:29No.
13:30I was being stupid.
13:31So we don't think Shakespeare was stupid.
13:32But he was writing in a grey area.
13:33Why?
13:34Alright.
13:35While you all think about that one, I'm just going to come out with an opinion.
13:36It is just an opinion, so you can all shout me down as usual.
13:39Erm.
13:40And that is that Romeo and Juliet is about love.
13:43Erm.
13:44We have love.
13:45We do love in today's Britain.
13:47So Romeo and Juliet, therefore, isn't, wasn't, irrelevant.
13:51What do you think about that?
13:55Anybody agree with that?
13:57Right.
13:58No.
13:59So nobody agrees with it.
14:00But did anyone find it helpful at all?
14:02Nobody.
14:03Right.
14:04No.
14:05You're right.
14:06I, yeah.
14:07I was being unhelpful there.
14:08That's stupid of me.
14:09I've just got, I've just clouded the whole issue now.
14:13I'm sorry.
14:14I'm sorry.
14:15I'm just holding you back.
14:16Erm.
14:17Well, who'd like me to stay?
14:19I mean, hands up to those people who'd like me to stay.
14:21Would you like me to?
14:22No one.
14:24Right.
14:25I, I, I, no, I agree.
14:27I agree.
14:28You're right.
14:29I'm sorry.
14:30You know, until you've been there, you, you, you haven't got any idea what it's like,
14:35I should think.
14:36I don't know.
14:37I've been there.
14:39Jack Lemmon and Walter Mitty, I like them.
14:42Oh, I can remember exactly what I was doing when I heard the news.
14:45I was listening to the news.
14:47Well, I mean, you've been through enough, haven't you?
14:49I know.
14:50Well, that's right.
14:51Mind you, my life hasn't been easy either.
14:53No.
14:54Not easy, no.
14:55No.
14:56I hate it when things go wrong, don't you?
14:57Oh, I hate it.
14:58I know.
14:59I hate it.
15:00Mind you, of course, sometimes things go right, don't they?
15:02And I like that.
15:03I like that.
15:04Yes.
15:05It's better than when things go wrong.
15:06Well, I mean, of course it is.
15:07Of course it is.
15:08Yeah.
15:09Still.
15:10I know.
15:11Well, I mean, you can't give up.
15:12No.
15:13You can't eat money, I always say.
15:16I say that.
15:17I always say that.
15:18I know.
15:19Me too.
15:20Still.
15:21Well, I mean, I know.
15:22That's it.
15:23Well, I mean, for goodness sake, of course it is.
15:24Well, I mean, it's absolutely bound and certain to be.
15:26That's it.
15:27I know.
15:28Well, as if it could be anything else other than it.
15:29That's it.
15:30That's completely and dreadfully the whole point.
15:33You're right.
15:34I know.
15:35So right.
15:36Oh, God, I know.
15:37I know.
15:38I know.
15:39Oh, well, of course you do.
15:40I mean, of course you know.
15:42Oh, well, that's right, isn't it?
15:43Well, of course it is.
15:44Of course it is.
15:45Yes, yes.
15:46Oh, yes, that's it.
15:47Still.
15:48Hey, mind you.
15:49Well, I mean, anyway.
15:50Well, of course you mean anyway.
15:51I mean, what?
15:52I mean, of course you do.
15:53Well, there you go, you see.
15:54Well, of course I go there.
15:55Where else would I go?
15:56Well, that's it.
15:57I mean, where else?
15:58Well, I mean, where?
15:59I mean, shut up.
16:00That's it.
16:01Oh, I'm off for God's sake, sure it is.
16:03Go and slice little bits off yourself and eat them, of course you're right, that's it.
16:07Just quite simply shut up and never speak again, of course I am.
16:12That's it, you see?
16:12I know, that's it.
16:14Oh, please, please be quiet.
16:16Oh, drink sick, you are so, so right.
16:20Ah, I'm right.
16:22You are so, so, so right.
16:24I know.
16:25God, I hate you, you're so right.
16:27Well, I mean, of course you do, of course you hate me.
16:29You make me wretch.
16:30I know I do.
16:32Well, that's it, you see, the sight of you makes my skin fall off.
16:35Yes, that's it, that's it, you've got it.
16:37God, I want to kill you.
16:39I know, I know.
16:40Still, still.
16:41Eh?
16:41I mean, eh?
16:42Anyway.
16:43I know.
16:43Well, there you are, you see.
16:44Well, that's it.
16:45I know.
16:46Eh?
16:47Well, Mr Everard, thanks for agreeing to be with us today.
16:50Pleasant journey down, I hope?
16:51Uh, not pleasant, exactly, no, no.
16:54Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
16:56Sorry, sorry, I just want to say that this sketch that we're doing now
16:59it's my absolute favourite one of all time.
17:03I just love this one.
17:04And watch what Stephen does in this, because it's fantastic.
17:07He is brilliant.
17:08Sorry, anyway, sorry, carry on.
17:12Um, so not a pleasant journey down?
17:14Uh, no, no.
17:16Um, not pleasant at all.
17:17Now, now, just watch the way he does this next bit,
17:21because it's brilliant.
17:22It's just brilliant.
17:23Uh, oh, God, it's fantastic.
17:26Oh, dear.
17:32Oh, dear.
17:35Well, I can't do it as well as you can do it,
17:37but it's just fantastic.
17:38Oh, dear.
17:39I just love it.
17:40Brilliant.
17:41Oh, sorry.
17:41So, was it the weather or the traffic or something?
17:46Uh, no.
17:49No?
17:50No.
17:50Now, now, ah, yes, this, this, yes, this, uh, this next line coming up
17:55is my favourite line of the whole thing.
17:56This is brilliant.
17:57Just watch the way he does this.
17:58This is fantastic.
17:59Just coming up.
18:00Oh.
18:00Ah, no, no.
18:02I was murdered at a petrol station on the A1.
18:05Now, listen, listen, listen to this one.
18:07Listen to me.
18:07I beg your pardon?
18:14Sorry, it's the next one.
18:16It's the next line.
18:17It's not that one.
18:18Um, uh, yes, yes, I was murdered.
18:21Murdered?
18:21Who by?
18:23No, no, it's not that one either.
18:24Um, it's coming up.
18:26It's coming up, honestly.
18:26Uh, yeah.
18:27Uh, yes, I was stabbed through the heart by a civil servant.
18:32Stabbed through the heart?
18:32Killed me stone dead.
18:34Then what are you doing?
18:35This is it.
18:35This is what?
18:36This is it.
18:36This is it.
18:37This is it.
18:40Then what are you doing sitting here in my office?
18:54That is, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:59Actually, he didn't do it very well that time.
19:01He has done it better than that, honestly.
19:03But it's great, though, isn't it?
19:04Fantastic.
19:06Not a limp thought.
19:10None whatsoever.
19:11I thought not.
19:12Care to make some up for me?
19:13Well, this chair is soft, certainly.
19:15Very soft.
19:16No, no, it falls short of being very soft.
19:19But, of course, if we look underneath, we find the floor.
19:21The floor, precisely.
19:22Does the floor work for you?
19:24No, it doesn't work.
19:25No, it doesn't work.
19:25It doesn't work.
19:26The floor doesn't work for me.
19:28No.
19:28No.
19:28No.
19:28No.
19:28No.
19:28No.
19:29No.
19:29No.
19:29Is it a fatal flaw, would you say?
19:30Well, precisely.
19:31The reason the floor doesn't work is because it's all on one level.
19:35And, of course, it also falls into the trap of being essentially self-referential.
19:41And by self-referential, you mean?
19:42I mean to make myself sound like an interesting and impressive person.
19:47You have to rise in rather neatly.
19:48Well, exactly.
19:49You see, I was wondering, is there a sense in which you are not completely squalid and pointless?
19:55I don't think there's a sense, no.
19:57No, I've looked hard for one, but at the end of it, I've come up senseless.
19:59Go ahead.
20:00I thought so.
20:01Yes, and I was wondering, by the same token, is there a critical standpoint yet devised by which you are any distance at all from being hideously repellent?
20:09None whatsoever.
20:10None whatsoever.
20:11No, you see, that's interesting.
20:13Oh, dear.
20:13Wasn't meant to be.
20:14Oh, well, then.
20:15After all, we can't all be critics, can we?
20:20My wife and I were thinking of going to Ireland personally to see what all the fuss is about.
20:25We couldn't face having all the injections.
20:29Did you actually know Richard Burton?
20:31Oh, yes, yes, I knew him, yes.
20:34Well, inasmuch as anyone ever really knew Burton.
20:38Yes, I was very fond of the Bert.
20:40Amazing character.
20:42Amazing character.
20:44Now, Elizabeth Taylor, of course.
20:46Well, now, Liz, you see, was a joy, a dream, a treasure.
20:50You could have seen them together.
20:51Did you ever...
20:53Oh, good Lord, yes.
20:54Yes.
20:55Matter of fact, I was, uh, I was best man at their wedding.
20:58Really?
20:59Which one?
21:01All of them.
21:01Now, Gielgud and Richardson were...
21:04Yes, they never married, of course.
21:06No.
21:07Did you know them?
21:08Oh, good Lord, yes, yes, I knew.
21:10Oh, amazing characters, yes.
21:12The Gil and the Rich used to ask me for advice constantly.
21:16Ah, they used to call me their guru.
21:18Now, around this time, you must have met...
21:22Well, just about everyone, really.
21:23Really?
21:24Yes, I knew everyone, and everyone knew me.
21:27You knew everyone?
21:28I knew absolutely everyone, yes.
21:30And everyone knew you?
21:30And absolutely everyone knew me, yes, yes.
21:33Right.
21:34What did you think of Simon Condi-Wust?
21:38Simon?
21:39Condi-Wust.
21:40Didn't you know him?
21:41Oh, yes, yes, I knew him.
21:43Oh, yes, yes, well, well, everyone knew the Condi.
21:47Yes, he was an amazing character, amazing.
21:50Mm-hmm.
21:50What about Maureen Limp-Wippy-Pippy-Dow-Dow?
21:54Oh, well, now, yes, she was a fascinating woman.
21:57Fascinating.
21:58I was fascinated by Maureen for many, many years, yeah.
22:01Was she an amazing character?
22:03Oh, no, she was a woman.
22:05The men were amazing characters.
22:06The women were fascinating, yeah.
22:09Colin Fench-Moseley think I have?
22:12Oh, Lord, yes.
22:13What a character, yes.
22:15Well, the finch.
22:15Yes, yes, they were terribly well.
22:18Terribly well.
22:19What did you think of Fenella?
22:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:23Fascinating woman.
22:24Fascinating.
22:25Yeah.
22:25And what about Peter?
22:27Whee!
22:29Oh, yes, well, do you see?
22:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:32They broke the mold after they made Peter.
22:35And Evelyn broke the mold after they made Peter?
22:39Delightful woman.
22:40Woman.
22:41Angela, delightful woman?
22:42Oh, splendid chap.
22:45Dick Van Dyke?
22:48Who just made that up?
22:51Rupert Jeremy James, I baptize thee in the name of the Father...
22:54No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:55Hold on, hold on.
22:56What's the problem?
22:57No, you're absolutely right.
22:58Nicholas is better.
23:00Yeah.
23:00Nicholas Thomas Jeffrey.
23:01Nicholas Thomas Jeffrey?
23:02Oh, darling, you can't have Nicholas Thomas.
23:04That's a very ugly rhyme.
23:05Yeah, you're right.
23:06Oh, what was that other one we liked?
23:08Timothy Nicholas Peter.
23:09Nicholas Timothy Peter.
23:11Nicholas Timothy Peter.
23:12Yes.
23:12Right.
23:13Nicholas Timothy Peter.
23:14It's a shame to lose the Jeremy, though, isn't it?
23:16I still like Duncan.
23:18What?
23:18Jeremy Nicholas Duncan or Duncan Nicholas Jeremy?
23:20Um, I have got a wedding in ten minutes.
23:22You're being paid, aren't you?
23:24No.
23:25Uh, now, Nick's idea was peregrine.
23:28Oh, darling, can't call the baby peregrine.
23:31Peregrine Jeremy Nicholas?
23:32I know it sounds silly, but I've always loved Dick.
23:35Um...
23:35Now, Dirk's due for a revival.
23:40Duncan Dirk Dick.
23:41It's rather fetching.
23:42Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptize thee in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
23:46No, hold on, it's not right.
23:46It's because there are too many D's in the name of the...
23:48...to receive this child into the congregation of Christ...
23:49What about Tweeble?
23:50Oh, darling, you can't call the baby Tweeble.
23:52Well, it's our nickname for Little Biters, so why not?
23:54What about Tweeble, Timothy James?
23:56Perfect, yes.
23:57Tweeble, Timothy James.
24:01I'm sorry, it's Duncan Dirk Dick, I've just done it.
24:04We'll undo it.
24:06Undo it?
24:07This is a holy sacrament of the church, not a bleeding hotel reservation.
24:12You can't just undo it.
24:14You're beginning to annoy me, buster.
24:16Look at this.
24:17What does this say?
24:18Christening service.
24:19Yeah, service, notice.
24:21Doesn't say rudeness, doesn't say christening rudeness.
24:22I wasn't being rude.
24:24Just bear in mind that there are plenty of other religions, you know.
24:27Some of them, I may say, offering much greater range and value.
24:30Much greater value for this.
24:32So, come on, hand him over.
24:33Hand him over?
24:34Yes, we'll have a look at the mosque on Arlington Road, if it's all the same with you.
24:37Come on.
24:37I haven't finished the service yet.
24:39Oh, the rudeness, you mean.
24:40What, you should have thought of that before.
24:41You can't just walk out in the middle of a service.
24:43I mean, think of the child.
24:44Oh, screw the child.
24:46Don't you heard the news?
24:47There's a revolution going on.
24:48Enterprise initiative.
24:50Those who can't trim the fat go to the wall.
24:53What wall?
24:54You just know what I'm talking about, do you?
24:55I'm talking about the way you're running this whole operation.
24:58I mean, take this building.
24:59Look at it.
24:59All this equity tied up for what?
25:01A couple of weddings a week?
25:02It's pathetic.
25:03Pathetic to you.
25:04God, what I can do with a place like this?
25:06I mean, what do you think, darling?
25:07We could have some luxury flats up the top there.
25:09We could have a shopping arcade along the back, a fountain in the middle.
25:13But we have a brasserie here in no time.
25:15It's really just a criminal waste.
25:17Look, matey, this is a church.
25:19It's not a dealing room.
25:21I'm not interested in your creepy theories about enterprise and initiative.
25:25This place is founded on ideas a little bit more permanent than the Dow Jones Index.
25:29Oh, yeah?
25:30Yeah, something a tad classier than buy long, sell short and get into guilt.
25:35Oh, really?
25:35Yes, really.
25:36This church is going to be here long after your little brat has grown up, ripped a few
25:40people off and died unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.
25:44Portuguese, actually.
25:46There's no need to be so beastly.
25:47Well, I'm sorry, but people like you really piss me off.
25:52All right, then, mister.
25:53So what's your pitch?
25:54What's your scam?
25:55What's your angle?
25:55Well, look at you people, eh?
25:57You spend all your days trying to scrape together enough money just so you can end your
26:01life just wobbling your fat bottoms up and down some Iberian beach playing crazy
26:05girls, but what thought have you ever given for making provision for after your retirement?
26:11Hmm?
26:12After my retirement?
26:13I'm talking about heaven.
26:16Heaven?
26:18Isn't that where the Gilroys went, Donald?
26:21Devon.
26:22Oh, Devon.
26:22Yeah.
26:24After a hard life, don't you think you deserve something in the way of long-term security?
26:29Heaven implies comfort, status, lifestyle and peace of mind.
26:33Don't listen to him, Pudding.
26:34No, no, no.
26:35Give me space.
26:36Give me space.
26:36No, no.
26:37She's right, Pudding.
26:38She's right.
26:39Think about it yourself and you should seek out an independent spiritual advisor.
26:46He may have something, you know.
26:48Well, I mean, if you don't do it for yourselves, think of Duncan Dirk Dick here.
26:51Give him a chance to get in on the ground floor.
26:53Look, darling, no disrespect to you, Vicka, but darling, what I'm thinking is this.
26:57What about a mixed portfolio, right, whereby we spread him through Judaism, Islam, Hindu
27:03and so on, while maintaining our core investment within the Church of England?
27:06What do you think?
27:07Well, it certainly does sound safer.
27:08Exactly.
27:09Right.
27:09So, Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise you.
27:12But in that case, shouldn't it be something more like Duncan Isaac Sanjay?
27:16No, Duncan Abraham Sanjay was.
27:17Duncan Abraham Naresh.
27:19That's perfect, you see.
27:20Right, baby, prayer book, font, treat yourselves, I'm off for a slash.
27:25Treat.
27:27Yeah, they're all right.
27:28You know, if you just want to get from A to B.
27:30Hi, or if you prefer, hello.
27:33This week, as I'm sure most of you have been aware, has been Swiss Week on BBC Two.
27:38We've had a rip-snorting season of Swiss films on show, as well as some very exciting Swiss opera.
27:44I know for a fact that all of you enjoyed Floyd on fondue last night.
27:49David Icke's interview with the Swiss ambassador was never very far from being interesting.
27:55One thing that we feel has been rather lacking from the season has been a celebration of Swiss comedy.
28:02Well, you and I would like to put that right before the week closes
28:05and present to you our very own version of the classic Swiss sketch,
28:09Heidi and Johan smell just right.
28:14Guten Tag, Johan.
28:22Du riechst's ganz richtig.
28:25Dankeschön, Heidi.
28:27Und du auch.
28:28Danke.
28:30Danke.
28:31Danke.
28:32Danke.
28:33Danke.
28:34Danke.
28:35Danke.
28:36Danke.
28:37Danke.
28:38Danke.
28:39Danke.
28:40Danke.
28:41Danke.
28:42Danke.
28:43Danke.
28:43Danke.
28:44Danke.
28:45Danke.
28:46Danke.
28:47Danke.
28:48Danke.
28:49Danke.
28:50Danke.
28:51Danke.
28:52Danke.
28:53Danke.
28:54Danke.
28:55Danke.
28:56Danke.
28:57Danke.
28:58Danke.
28:59Danke.
29:00Danke.
29:01Danke.
29:02Danke.
29:03Danke.
29:04Danke.
29:05Danke.
29:06Danke.
29:07Danke.
29:08Danke.
29:09Danke.
29:10Danke.
29:11Danke.
29:12Danke.
Recommended
29:33
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