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00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:37That Sidney Potter's a good actor, isn't he, Rodney?
00:48He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
00:52Yeah, knock it out, granddad.
00:55Sidney Potter?
00:57Yeah, you know him.
00:58He always plays the black fella.
01:02Sidney Poitier.
01:04Sidney Potter.
01:06It's Poitier.
01:07It's Potter.
01:08It's bloody Poitier, I'm telling you.
01:11And I'm telling you, it's bloody Potter.
01:13You two had it again, are you?
01:15Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly?
01:17Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter?
01:19Personally, I pronounce it Harry Belafonte,
01:21but you two, please yourselves.
01:23You daft old sod.
01:25It was Harry Belafonte all along.
01:28Well, I wonder why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song.
01:32I don't like Harry Belafonte.
01:35Sivuple, sivuple.
01:37What an enigma.
01:38I'll get better looking every day.
01:40Can't wait for tomorrow.
01:42Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable.
01:46Still, never mind, eh?
01:51Oi, come on, Rodney, shake a leg.
01:53We've got a meeting at 12.
01:53What are you doing now?
01:54Our accounts.
01:56You're keeping accounts now.
01:59Well, there you are, Grandad.
02:01A lot of people told me I was the right dipstick
02:03to make my brother a partner in the business.
02:06But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.
02:09You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
02:12This is primate-basty evidence, isn't it, eh?
02:14The taxman gets older than that, it puts us away for three years.
02:17Don't worry.
02:17If a taxman comes, I'll eat it.
02:19It's the only way I'll keep a check on you, Del.
02:21I'm sure you're cheating me in some way.
02:23I just can't figure out how.
02:25Cheating you?
02:26Cheating?
02:26You...
02:27What's that rumbling noise?
02:29I didn't hear nothing.
02:30No, it's all right.
02:30It's Mum turning in her grave.
02:32Oh, Broke, stop that again, Del.
02:35It's obvious you're stitching me up.
02:37Look at you.
02:37You have three or four changes of clothes a day.
02:40Me, I've got one suit come from an almost new shop.
02:42It's embarrassing sometimes.
02:45Oh, I embarrass you, do I?
02:47You've got room to talk.
02:49You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me
02:51from the moment you was born.
02:53You couldn't be like any other little brother, could you, eh?
02:55And come along a couple of years later after me.
02:57Oh, no, no, not you.
02:58You had to wait 13 years.
03:01So while all the other mods were having punch-ups
03:03down at Southend and going to the Who concerts,
03:06I was at home babysitting.
03:07I could never get your oyster milk stains
03:11out of me Ben Shermans.
03:14I used to find rusks in me hush puppies.
03:17You know, I couldn't help when I was born.
03:19Oh, there you go.
03:20There you are, you see.
03:20It's any excuse with you, isn't it, eh?
03:22What do you think about poor old Mum, then, eh?
03:25Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you, eh?
03:28For the first three months of her pregnancy,
03:30you were treated as an ulcer.
03:31But to this day, I sometimes think
03:35the original diagnosis was correct.
03:39Look.
03:40Hey, come on.
03:42What sort of bloke do you think I am, eh?
03:44Cheat me own brother?
03:46Come on, Rodney.
03:47I told you before, haven't I, eh?
03:48It's everything between you and I
03:50split straight down the middle.
03:5160-40, right?
03:54Yeah.
03:55Well, explain this to me, then, Del.
03:57How do we manage to pay for the light, gas and rent
03:59in this place, eh?
04:00I mean, take last week.
04:01We went to the auction, right?
04:03We bought a grossly disposable light
04:05as a space invaders game,
04:06two facial saunas,
04:07five water-damaged sleeping bags
04:09and a moonroof for a Peugeot, right?
04:11Then we swapped the lot
04:12for a vanload of one-legged turkeys.
04:14They was not one-legged turkeys.
04:16They was damaged turkeys.
04:17How many legs did they have, Del?
04:20I'm in no mood for trick questions.
04:22Anyway, you ain't put down a VAT.
04:24We don't pay VAT.
04:25I know, but we collect it, though, don't we, eh?
04:27All right, Rodney, all right.
04:29Look, so we don't pay VAT.
04:31We don't pay income tax or national insurance.
04:34On the other hand,
04:35we don't claim dull money,
04:37social security,
04:39supplementary benefit, do we, eh?
04:41Right?
04:41The government don't give us nothing,
04:43so we don't give the government nothing.
04:45Right?
04:46What's you complaining about?
04:47Look, I'm 23.
04:49I'd like to think I had some sort of a career.
04:51You're self-unemployed.
04:52That's a career, ain't it?
04:53Selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street.
04:57I want something better than that, Del.
04:58All right.
04:59All right.
05:00In future, you can do Regent Street.
05:03Come on.
05:04Cheers.
05:07And it's Poitier.
05:08What the?
05:09It's Poitier.
05:10Hello, Del.
05:16Hello, darling.
05:16How are you?
05:17All right?
05:17Fine.
05:17Good.
05:22Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives?
05:25First we was motherless,
05:26then we was fatherless.
05:28Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheel van.
05:31Little acorns.
05:32Well, you got one of them missing as well, Del?
05:33No.
05:34Marks and Spencer started off with a barra.
05:36At least they had four wheels.
05:37What's going on about that van, will you?
05:39Morning, Del boy.
05:40Bonjour, Joycey.
05:42Two half-pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer.
05:45Thank you, John.
05:45You want it in glasses?
05:47Yes, please.
05:47Otherwise, it dribbles through your fingers.
05:50I mean, you want it in glasses or jugs?
05:53As long as it is served by your fair hands, Joycey,
05:56we'd drink it out of a pair of Yvon Goulagon's old tennis boots.
06:00All right.
06:02Look at that.
06:02Charmed like laser beams, eh, Rodney?
06:04Knock some bandy.
06:06Yeah.
06:06It's your ready-wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds.
06:09Yeah.
06:10I suppose I am full of the old bel-esprit, really, aren't I?
06:13Actually, I quite like old Joycey.
06:15I mean, fair place.
06:16He's a bit of an old dog, but...
06:17I'll be there again, you know.
06:19I quite like old dogs.
06:20I mean, you know where you are with them, don't you, eh?
06:22They never ask you if you still respect them in the morning.
06:25And always lend you a knicker for petrol, you know.
06:29Ah.
06:29I like this life, though, don't you, Rodders, eh?
06:31Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, you know.
06:33It's exciting, isn't it?
06:34Unpredictable.
06:36You know, in this game, you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket...
06:40And come home at night's skin.
06:41Exactly, yeah.
06:44I'm thinking of getting a job, Del.
06:47Eh?
06:47What chance have you got of getting a job?
06:51Do leave it out.
06:52Have you heard that?
06:53You heard that, Joycey?
06:54He's only thinking of getting a job, isn't he?
06:56Job, eh?
06:56I've got GCEs.
06:59And I took that year's course at the Art College in Basingstoke.
07:02Yes, I know.
07:03You took a year's course.
07:04But you got expelled after three weeks, didn't you, eh?
07:07Eh?
07:07The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little
07:10room where the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh zonked out on your bed with some
07:14Chinese tar.
07:15She was not Chinese tar.
07:16Well, Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me.
07:19Anyway, all right, all right, suppose you go for a job and you go for the interview, eh?
07:22What are you going to say to the manager?
07:23You're going to say, oh, yes, sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir, yeah.
07:26I've got two GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence, and I know a good joint when I puff one.
07:34No, your feet won't touch, brav.
07:36No.
07:38No, I'm afraid not, Rodney.
07:39At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
07:42However, society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar, to grow moss
07:49and be forgotten about.
07:55Still, never mind, eh?
07:56Ha, the evil of France, as they say in Rome.
07:58No need to get depressed.
08:00Oh, me, depressed?
08:01No, of course not, Del.
08:02I'm on top of the world.
08:03I feel like a born-again eunuch.
08:07Do you think I'll apply for a mail-order course with exit?
08:11That's a good idea, Rodney.
08:12Never Say Die.
08:15How are you?
08:16Oh, there he is.
08:17Oi, Trigger.
08:18Here.
08:19You know my brother, don't you, eh?
08:20Yeah, of course I do.
08:21How you going, Dave?
08:22Sorry I'm late, Del boy.
08:24I had to pop round my sisters to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
08:27Joy, see.
08:28Del.
08:29Mm.
08:29Del.
08:30What?
08:31Why'd they call him Trigger?
08:32Does he carry a gun?
08:33No, it's because he looks like a horse.
08:35Listen, me and Da Trigger have got some business to discuss, like that, I mean, okay?
08:42So you get the drinks, meet us back here over by the table, all right?
08:45Oh, are, sir.
08:46Anything you say, sir.
08:47For my daughter, sir.
08:48No, no, very clever kid, you know, my brother.
08:56Yeah.
08:56He's got two GCEs.
08:58One in maths, one in R.
08:59Oh.
08:59You want to see him when he writes a letter?
09:00Some of the words he uses.
09:02What, long ones?
09:03Well, they're like that, you know, some of them.
09:06Anyway, what are you selling?
09:07This.
09:08I've got 25 of them all told.
09:10The others are in the car.
09:11I thought I won't wrap it up.
09:12Parcels attract attention these days.
09:14Best to carry openly.
09:15Then it don't look conspicuous.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:20Yeah, that's good thinking, that, Trek.
09:22Yeah, really good thinking.
09:23Goes so well with your slingback Wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket.
09:27You look like an executive hod carrier.
09:31Wait, Rogers, what do you think of this?
09:34Infra-dig, innit, eh?
09:35It's plastic.
09:37Plastic.
09:39It's old English vinyl.
09:44Combination locks.
09:45Yeah, dinky little handle, I don't know.
09:47Might be able to push some of them around the old squash clubs, eh?
09:50Shouldn't have anything to do with them, Del.
09:52Police must probably look for them right now.
09:55Tell us the truth.
09:56Are the police looking for these things, Trek?
09:58No, they're not, Del.
09:59And that's the truth.
10:00Why are you hiding it under the table, then?
10:02Well, because you never know when they're going to start looking for them, do you?
10:05Leave them, Del.
10:07Leave them.
10:07Oi, shh.
10:08Stump.
10:08Right.
10:09Oi, we're partners.
10:10At least respect my opinion.
10:11All right.
10:12All right, Rodney.
10:13I'll respect your opinion.
10:15How much?
10:16To you, Del boy, 17 pounds each.
10:20You know what happened to the real trigger, don't you?
10:23Roy Rogers had him stuffed.
10:24All right, then.
10:2714.
10:2814.
10:29Leave it out.
10:315.
10:3212.
10:346.
10:3410.
10:359.
10:368.
10:37Done.
10:39That's the way to do business, Dave.
10:41All right, Patrick, let's look that up.
10:43That's 8 times 25 equals 175, okay?
10:48200.
10:49What?
10:49No, no, Rodney, no, no, no.
10:51The calculator says 175, all right?
10:52Yeah, but he's got GCEs and maths and art.
10:55So what does that prove?
10:56He can paint by numbers?
10:59No, Trig, I mean, this is a calculator, innit?
11:01You know what I mean?
11:02Look, the calculator says 175.
11:04You can't argue with a calculator, can you?
11:05You know what I mean?
11:06Give it here.
11:07Rodney.
11:0825 times 8 equals 200, see?
11:12Oh, yeah.
11:16Look at that.
11:16I must have got my finger stuck on a button, yeah.
11:19Heard his fingers, though.
11:20Yeah, yeah.
11:21You want to look after them, Rodney?
11:23They break very easily.
11:30You've got to see them to believe them, Spearos.
11:33Yeah.
11:34Eh?
11:35I don't know.
11:35Hang on a minute.
11:36Oi, Grandad.
11:37Where were they made?
11:39Don't say.
11:41There's some Chinese writing on them, though.
11:43No, no, no.
11:45Don't actually give the maker's name, Spearos.
11:46But then again, the best ones never do, do they?
11:48You know what I mean?
11:50Yeah.
11:50How's it going?
11:51That's about the 15th.
11:53Briefcase is sold.
11:54Phone call he's made.
11:56Yeah.
11:56Yeah, well, I'll get in while the going's good.
11:58If I were you, Spearos, I've only got 25 legs.
12:01Eh?
12:02This is a cheeseburger.
12:04I asked for an emperor burger.
12:06I couldn't afford an emperor burger.
12:08He got me a cheeseburger.
12:10What?
12:11I asked him for an emperor burger and he brings me back a cheeseburger.
12:15Yes.
12:15Hang on.
12:16Hang on a minute, Spearos, will you?
12:17Just hang on.
12:17Look, what's he on about now?
12:19He asked me to get him an emperor burger, but I couldn't afford it, so I got him a cheeseburger.
12:23Bloody emperor burgers and cheeseburgers.
12:25I'm trying to do a deal here.
12:26Now, shut up, will you?
12:27No, no, not you, Spearos.
12:29No, no, me young mate.
12:30No, all right.
12:31Now, how many of these briefcases can I put you down for, eh?
12:34Ha!
12:35None.
12:35Right, thanks, great.
12:37Yeah, all right.
12:38I'll see you around.
12:40I've told you the best thing to do with them cases, didn't I?
12:42Chuck them in the river.
12:43Chuck them in the river.
12:45Chuck them in the river.
12:46That's our profit you're talking about.
12:47What do you think this is, a nationalised industry?
12:50He knows I ate cheese.
12:53Will you stop going on about that rotten cheeseburger, will you?
12:56Ah!
12:57Dougie Sadler.
12:59He owns the stationers in the Ice Street.
13:00He's our boy, Rodgers.
13:01I don't know why he bothers.
13:03He's a trier, isn't he?
13:05Your dad always said that one day Del Boy had reached the top.
13:09There again, he used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup.
13:12Hello, Dougie, Del Boy.
13:17How's that, pal?
13:18Good.
13:18Family?
13:19Super.
13:21Dougie, look, I'm phoning about some briefcases.
13:23Yeah?
13:26Go on.
13:28What a choker.
13:3125 of them nicked from his shop last week.
13:33Oh, no.
13:35No, no.
13:36No, no, I'm not trying to sell any.
13:37No, no, no.
13:38No, I wanted to buy some, you see.
13:40Yeah.
13:40I got this contact in the stock exchange.
13:44Yeah.
13:45By the way, Dougie, old pal, I mean, what were you selling them for?
13:49What do you mean they were rejects?
13:51Oh, beautiful.
13:52We bought a consignment of rejects.
13:55What was wrong with them, Nick?
13:57Oh, yeah.
13:58Oh, I see, yeah.
13:59Yeah, I mean, he'd be daft enough to nick them, eh?
14:03I wouldn't be stupid enough to buy them.
14:06Yeah, I know.
14:10I'll put down and see you next week when you've got some more in, OK?
14:13Yeah.
14:13Bye-bye, Doug.
14:14See you around.
14:17Come on.
14:18All right.
14:20So what's wrong with them?
14:22Open one.
14:24What's the combination?
14:26No sod nose.
14:27That's why they're rejects.
14:31There must be a bit of paper with them giving you the combination.
14:34Yes, there is.
14:35It's inside the briefcase, isn't it?
14:38It's a cock-up at the factory.
14:40Nice going, doll boy.
14:42You have bought 25 executive briefcases that can only be opened by professional safecrackers.
14:48This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd, doesn't it?
14:52All right.
14:52All right, Roddy.
14:53That's the way I'm made, isn't it, eh?
14:54You know, crash in and to hell with the consequences.
14:56He who dares wins.
14:58Oh, the French overworked for people like me.
15:01Yeah, the English have got a couple of good'uns, isn't it?
15:04I told you all along not to touch them, didn't I?
15:07Yeah, all right.
15:07All right.
15:08OK.
15:08It's nothing to do with you, isn't it?
15:09But we're partners, aren't we?
15:12Oh.
15:14Oh, I see.
15:15The truth's coming out now.
15:17Well, come on, Del.
15:18Let's have it out in the open, then.
15:19How do you see our respective roles in this partnership?
15:22I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money,
15:27and your ability to drive a three-wheel van badly.
15:30Well, did you see yourself in a different role?
15:33Oh, yes, I did.
15:34With my qualifications, I saw myself in a capacity of a financial advisor.
15:39A financial advisor?
15:42Bonjour, Trieste.
15:44You are beautiful.
15:45You are, Rodney.
15:47Today, I just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175,
15:53when my financial advisor stuck his nose in
15:56and advised me to pay £200, right?
16:00And having paid the £200,
16:02my financial advisor then advised me to chuck the bleeding lot in the river.
16:07Now, with financial advisors like that,
16:10who needs a bleeding recession?
16:12What kind of a financial advisor goes out to buy an emperor burger
16:17and comes back with a cheeseburger?
16:19Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger for court?
16:23Eat it, man.
16:23Oh, hey!
16:24Hey, girl, get off him.
16:26It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger,
16:29and you know he hates them.
16:30Well, what did you buy it for him for?
16:32It's all I could afford!
16:34You make my life a misery, you do.
16:36Here, boy, just a moment.
16:38What was that last remark about me making your life a misery?
16:41Yeah.
16:43Well, you do, Del.
16:44With your overbearing, overprotective manner.
16:47Let me remind you, Rodney,
17:07that you were a six-year-old little nipper
17:10when God smiled on Mum and made her die.
17:13Two months after that, Dad packed his bags
17:16and left us to fend for ourselves.
17:18It was me that kept us together.
17:21Nothing to do with Grandad.
17:23He was an out-of-work lamplighter
17:25waiting for gas to make a comeback.
17:30I grafted 19, 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table.
17:35All right, it wasn't always double legal,
17:37but you ate the finest food that was going.
17:39All you ever give me was TV dinners and convenience foods.
17:43If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated, we didn't eat it.
17:46If you'd have been in charge of a last supper,
17:48it would have been a takeaway.
17:53Well, anything was better than the salmonella and chips
17:55that Grandad used to knock out.
18:00Del.
18:04Look...
18:05Don't get me wrong.
18:07I'm...
18:07I'm grateful.
18:08I don't want your gratitude,
18:10ungrateful little git.
18:14Don't know what is the matter with you, Rodney.
18:16Sometimes I hesitate to tell people that you're my brother.
18:19Well, I always say I'm your social worker.
18:22Do you mind telling me exactly what it is
18:24that's made your life a misery?
18:27Well, you've always treated me like a child, didn't you?
18:29I was the only sex-former in my grammar school
18:32who wore short trousers.
18:34Yeah, well, I got them cheap, didn't I?
18:36I was 15, Del.
18:38I was growing hairs and things.
18:40My legs were like Italian butt-ballers.
18:43And you never let me do anything on my own, do you?
18:46You even had to hurt me with my GCE studies.
18:49You passed in two subjects.
18:51I failed in the other eight, Del.
18:53I mean, you embarrass me.
18:55That's why I never bring women home.
18:57Oh, you know some women, do you?
18:59Cool, that's a turn-up for the book.
19:00The only bird I've ever heard you mention
19:02was old Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke.
19:06Even then, you had to drug her before you'd get your leg over.
19:09No, I didn't.
19:11What, you didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over?
19:15You're suffocating me, Del.
19:16I'm getting out of this house.
19:18I'm going to prove to you I can survive on my own.
19:22I'm going to the pub.
19:23What, to prove you can survive on your own?
19:25No, to get legless.
19:26I don't need you no more, Del.
19:28I don't need you for nothing.
19:30Del, um...
19:46I was just, I was just, um, wondering...
19:49I think he's very much like you, Grandad.
20:01What? Dignified in defeat?
20:04No, a ponce.
20:09No, no, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for.
20:13No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I?
20:16Eh?
20:17No, don't you say nothing to them, you wally.
20:19I mean, you can't trust the old bill, can you?
20:21And look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
20:26Yeah, all right.
20:28Don't worry, OK, I'll see you around.
20:33Rodney?
20:34Where was you first thing this morning?
20:37I was out trying to sell these things, weren't I?
20:38Did you call Rodney?
20:40No, I thought I'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off.
20:43Is he still in bed?
20:44No, he's gone.
20:47Gone?
20:47Packed his rucksack and had it away on his toes.
20:51Gone, what do you mean gone?
20:52Where's he gone?
20:53Hong Kong.
20:54Hong Kong?
20:55What do you mean, Hong Kong?
20:57Hong Kong.
20:58It's in China.
20:59I know where Hong Kong is.
21:01What I want to know is what's Rodney doing there?
21:03Said he was going to hitchhike there to see that bird from the art college.
21:07Who, Shanghai a little?
21:08But she's in Basingstoke.
21:09So what's Mastermind doing on the road to Hong Kong?
21:11No, that's where she is now.
21:14She got deported after the drugs trial.
21:17Here, just a minute.
21:19What did you do, say, or cook for him that was so awful it forced him to leave?
21:23It weren't me.
21:24It was that row last night.
21:26He's gone to prove his self.
21:28Prove his self.
21:31No.
21:32Just one of Rodney's little games, that's all.
21:35He'd never reach Hong Kong.
21:37He has trouble finding Clapham.
21:40He seemed very determined.
21:42Oh, didn't you do anything?
21:43Well, yeah.
21:44I made him some sandwiches.
21:48And he took them?
21:49Blimey, this is worse than I thought.
21:52Now, wait a minute.
21:55He ain't got no money.
21:56He took his post office book with him.
21:59Can't you go and search for him?
22:01He's been gone about seven hours.
22:04The farthest he could have got is France.
22:06That's all right.
22:07We got him cornered then, haven't we, eh?
22:09Bring up Interpol.
22:11Interpol.
22:11Interpol.
22:12I'll get more joy out of Interflora.
22:13But he might be in danger.
22:16You can explain to him what Rodney's like.
22:19I'm sorry.
22:19I don't know the French for pranny.
22:23Hong Kong.
22:24I mean, Hong Kong.
22:26Why didn't he tell me where he was going?
22:30He could have taken these bleeding things back, would he?
22:32Hong Kong.
22:33I don't know the French for pranny.
22:39I don't know.
22:47I don't know the French for cierta, I could have done it.
24:20This thing still ain't working properly.
24:25It's because you're playing drafts on it.
24:26It's a talking chess game.
24:28You can't play drafts on a talking chess game.
24:30Why not?
24:31Because you're supposed to play chess on it.
24:33That's why it's called a talking chess game.
24:35Well, he'd blown the microchip twice, trying to huff the rook and what have you.
24:40I was supposed to have an electronic brain.
24:43It has got an electronic brain.
24:45But it didn't know it was going to have the misfortune to fall in the hands of a soppy old duffer who wanted to play drafts on it, did it?
24:50But I can't play chess.
24:53Why don't they invent a talking drafts game?
24:56Because if they did, you'd most probably want to play bloody Ludo on it.
24:59Dill boy.
25:08Hi, Rodney.
25:10Rodney's back, Dill.
25:12Look, he's here.
25:14Are you hungry, Rodney?
25:16Starving.
25:17I haven't eaten for two days.
25:19Shall I cook you something?
25:20No, no, no, no.
25:21A cup of tea, perhaps.
25:28Old place don't change much.
25:31No.
25:32Same as ever.
25:36Oh, it's really good to be back, Dill.
25:38You think you're overdoing the prodigal's return a bit?
25:51You've only been gone six days.
25:52Well, it might seem like six days to you, Dill, but to me it seemed more like a week.
25:58I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong.
26:01How far did you get?
26:02South of France.
26:04Saint-Tropez.
26:04Saint-Tropez.
26:05Very Maldemar.
26:06What are birds like?
26:11Oh, mostly French.
26:14I met one English girl there.
26:17Veronica.
26:18Her father's a millionaire tax exile.
26:21Tax exile, is he?
26:22He only got moved.
26:25Well, you got a boat, Eddie?
26:26You know, parked out in a bay?
26:27Oh, a yacht anchored offshore, yeah.
26:30They invited me over for dinner one night.
26:32Didn't go, though.
26:34Still had some of Granddad's sandwiches left, did you?
26:36No.
26:37No, that night I packed my bags and headed home.
26:42I was home six, see.
26:43I missed that.
26:45Pfft.
26:46Must be joking.
26:47Only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe.
26:49It may not be much to you, Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty, that.
26:56I've got artist's eyes, Del.
26:57Yes, you've got pianist's fingers, Italian footballer's legs.
27:01Ever thought of applying for a disability allowance?
27:03I know you'll never understand what I mean, Del, but you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind.
27:12Your own.
27:13Your family.
27:14Your passport.
27:15Your passport.
27:15You knew, didn't you?
27:21You let me go for all that and all the time you knew.
27:25Where'd you find it?
27:27Top of your wardrobe.
27:28We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out just in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about.
27:35No.
27:35I knew it was just a moody, Rodney.
27:37I told Grandad it was just one of Rodney's little games.
27:40It must be wonderful to be you, Del.
27:42To always be right.
27:44I know.
27:45It gets a bit embarrassing at times.
27:47I'll tell you another thing, shall I, Rodney?
27:49You said that I would never ever get rid of them briefcases.
27:52And you did, didn't you, Del?
27:54Yes, I did.
27:55Chucked the bleeding lot in the river.
27:59Nah.
28:00You threw them all in the river?
28:03Yep, every last one of them.
28:04They floated.
28:06That was a bit unforeseen.
28:08Probably round in Tilbury about now.
28:13200 quid down a Swanee, eh?
28:16What, in this case, a Thames?
28:20Saint-Tropez.
28:22How far'd you really get?
28:25Shangri-La dorsal-stunk Newington.
28:28She had a room with some cholera cultures.
28:31You're moving.
28:31Well, what'd you fancy?
28:44Should we go down a pub and act stupid,
28:46or should we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffing?
28:52Nah.
28:52Best not go to the yacht.
28:54Might bump into those bloody briefcases halfway, eh?
28:57Ha, ha, ha, ha.
29:04We've got some half-cross black tanks,
29:07some arms and arms, a couple of tiles,
29:08TVs, deep freeze, and David Bowie OPs,
29:11all games, gold chains,
29:13wuss names, and header push,
29:14and Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush,
29:16and Shepherds Bush.
29:17Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush.
29:20No income tax, no VAT,
29:22No money back, no guarantee.
29:26Black or white, rich or broke,
29:29a wheel cut prices and a straw.
29:35God bless Hookie Street,
29:37Viva Hookie Street,
29:40Long live Hookie Street,
29:43say Monday Feet,
29:45Hookie Street,
29:46Monday Feet,
29:48Hookie Street,
29:50Hookie Street,
29:53Hookie Street.