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00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one what's driving me bizarre
00:28Why do only fours and horses work
00:32La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:36La la la la
00:37La la la la la
00:40La la la la
00:41La la la la la
00:43Oh yeah
00:49Hey granddad, do you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:54It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances
00:57Without actually speaking
00:59They can't sit their brothers on you or nothing
01:01Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
01:07Have I got a choice?
01:08Well, not really
01:10Yeah, I like them really well done, granddad
01:13I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes
01:16Oh, good
01:18Well, dinner won't be long then
01:20Body language?
01:26Yeah, it's no good for you, granddad
01:27You'd need an interpreter
01:28Boy up
01:30All right, granddad
01:32Dinner ruined yet?
01:34Coming along nicely, dear old boy
01:36Ah, good, good
01:37Here, hang on, hang on
01:38Here you go, look
01:39There's a score for you
01:41Little Christmas brezzy, you all right?
01:42Oh, cheers, dear
01:44That's very nice of you
01:45I didn't get you nothing
01:47I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival
01:52I don't believe that
01:55I don't believe that
01:56He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking
01:58It's like being mugged by a magistrate
02:00Oh, and Merry Christmas
02:04Yeah
02:05And a partridge up your pear tree and all your salty old dents
02:08Here, what happened to you today then?
02:11I thought I'd see you down the old nag's head
02:12For a pre-luncheon aperitif
02:15And some light conversation
02:17You know, whatever them little egg bangers are yours
02:21Nah
02:21Stomach's still a bit dicey, you know
02:24Sort of burning pains
02:26Well, that'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
02:29No
02:30This is psychosomatic, mate
02:33Eh?
02:33This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
02:36Warning it that granddad's rotten Christmas dinner will be on its way down soon
02:39Yeah
02:40Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Del
02:42It's all smoke and smells, it's horrible
02:45He's got baked potatoes in there
02:47Look more like lumps of anthracite
02:49There's green stuff in there, right?
02:52I don't know what it is
02:53I was going to ask for and I thought I'd better wait till you got in
02:55Why'd you let him do it, Del?
02:58Well, it's tradition, isn't it?
02:59He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since mum went
03:02Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since mum went
03:04What do you want?
03:06What do you want, eh?
03:07A sacrableur chef or something?
03:09Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders
03:11But, you know
03:12What can we do about it, eh?
03:14Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
03:16Then we won't have to eat his turkey
03:18Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney
03:20If we pretend that we're vegetarians, we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite and green stuff
03:26Well, I'm going to say I'm on hunger strike
03:28Some kind of humanitarian grounds
03:30Oh, leave it out, will you? Leave it out
03:33I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
03:36Over a protest about the American cruise missiles being based in Britain
03:40You said that you were going to starve yourself till all the missiles were removed
03:43So?
03:44So?
03:45So, that was eight months ago
03:47The missiles are still here
03:48What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you
03:50You went one and a half days on hunger strike and you're sent out for a curry
03:55Well, I was starving
03:56Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker
03:58Come out of it
04:00No
04:01Grandad will never wear that
04:03Anyway
04:05Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life
04:11I mean, all year round, he sits in that chair watching them tellies
04:14Like an unoiled, redundant cog
04:17But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whirr into action
04:21It's his role within the family circle
04:24Makes him feel he still has an important part to play
04:27You know, that he's still needed
04:30Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you?
04:33All for the sake of a little bit of botulism
04:35No, no, no
04:37All right, Bill
04:38Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
04:41You know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England
04:43Anyway, for all we know
04:46This year it may turn out to be a gourmet's dream
04:50I'll just strain the gravy, then I'll get it up
04:54I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney
05:12All right, all right, I'll have some wine, please, Rodney
05:23Do you want some gravy, Del?
05:27No thanks, Grandad, I'll have a drop of wine
05:29Thank you, merci, merci
05:32Oh, Bain Marie
05:45Bain Marie?
05:47I will say this for those old frogs
05:49They make a blinding drop of wine, don't they, eh?
05:52Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
05:54He only tried to palm me off with table wine, didn't he?
05:58He must have thought I was a philistine or something
06:00Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish, though
06:04I said, Oi, John, I said
06:06I don't want none of your table wine, I said
06:09I said, you get down here in that cellar
06:11And you give me a bottle of your vin ordinaire
06:13Right
06:17Here we go
06:24Not bad, not bad, Grandad
06:28Slightly underdone, maybe
06:31Slightly underdone? I reckon a kiss of life would revive that table
06:36That's enough, Rodney
06:38How's your guts now, Rodney?
06:42Not too bad now, Grandad, thank you very much
06:45I hope he ain't got worms
06:48I'm doing this on purpose
06:50Oi, that's enough, you two
06:52Now, come on, this is a dinner table
06:53I mean, worms and all that
06:56Just that Rodney's got this burning sensation in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
06:59Yeah
07:00Yeah
07:00Maybe they're glowworms
07:02Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
07:08Do you think we could change the subject?
07:10It's all right
07:11All right, now, come on
07:12There's no need to get overwrought
07:14There you go
07:15This turkey's lovely, Grandad
07:21Isn't it, Rodney?
07:23Terrific
07:23Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:29Eh?
07:31Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:32Who's Brenda and Terry?
07:33Yeah
07:34Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney?
07:35I don't know
07:36What's going on about, you old div?
07:38Well, we got a Christmas card from them
07:41It said, love from Brenda and Terry
07:44And the kids, Shirley, Shane and Sean
07:46Yeah, yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry
07:48I know!
07:49Who is Brenda and Terry?
07:51Well, it's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad, isn't it?
07:54Oh
07:55Did we send them one back?
07:58Well, how can we send them one back?
07:59We don't know how they are, let alone where they live
08:01Well, it's just as well with them rotten Christmas cards that you bought
08:05There was nothing wrong with them cards
08:07You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation
08:10Now, that is not fair, Rodney, that is not fair
08:12Nobody likes a good cause better than me, do they, Grandad?
08:15It's just that when you're choosing Christmas cards
08:17You've got to be very careful about which charity you choose
08:20What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity you choose?
08:24Well, I mean, look, some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours and friends, mightn't they?
08:28You know, it says, Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
08:31And all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction Centre
08:34And with all the cuts we've had in social services, you don't think that's a good cause?
08:39Look, I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, Rodney
08:41All I'm saying, at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional Christmas card, don't they, eh?
08:45Like a nice wintry scene with a little snowman on it
08:47Little Robin Redbreast
08:49Not a sprig of Ollie and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe
08:52You're doing me right up sometimes, Del
08:56I don't know why they want these drug addiction centres anyhow
08:59I mean, ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them?
09:07No, no, Grandad, they're not training centres
09:11What?
09:12Oh, God, I'll give up
09:13Can we change the subject again?
09:15Go on, stroll on, Rodney
09:16We're going through subjects quicker than mastermind
09:18Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
09:27I only asked, I only asked
09:29Because I promised them to the old girl downstairs for a cat
09:31There weren't any giblets in it, Del Boy
09:34It was really clean, said so on the box
09:37Yeah, I know it was really clean, Grandad
09:38What they do is they take the giblets out
09:39Put it in a plastic bag
09:40And they put it back inside the turkey, don't they?
09:43Didn't they?
09:44Yeah
09:45You took the bag out, didn't you?
09:52I didn't know it was in there, Del Boy
09:54Oh, my God
09:55And when you've put it with everything still in it
09:58Oh, my good God
10:00Blimey, it's like peering at the jaws of hell, here
10:04Didn't you at any time notice it?
10:07Like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing in?
10:09Well, there's stuffing in there as well?
10:11I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney
10:12Sage and onion, molten plastic
10:16Bings
10:18It's like Irish night in a delicatessen
10:20I just didn't know it was in there, Del Boy
10:24Yeah, all right, all right
10:27All right, Grandad
10:29Don't get overwrought
10:31It's over and done with, ain't it, eh?
10:34Don't upset yourself
10:35It's, you know, it's like, as the French say
10:37It's a...
10:38It's a fait accompli
10:39What about the old after-send, eh?
10:52I'll go and get it
10:53Yeah
10:54I will allow you to change your mind
11:05All right, all right
11:06Don't worry
11:08Because custard is his forte
11:11Oh, my God
11:13Do you like your Christmas pudding really well, Dan?
11:21Ladies and gentlemen
11:38Freddie Osler will attempt
11:40The incredibly difficult triple sub-assault
11:43Ladies and gentlemen
11:45Freddie Osler
11:47Thank you
11:56Thank you
12:15Sorry.
12:24I don't like circuses.
12:31What?
12:33I don't like circuses.
12:36Never have liked them.
12:40Never will like them, circuses.
12:43You made your point, Rodney. Why don't you switch over?
12:46Meh.
12:53Oh, there's one on the other side.
12:56Is there? What a shame.
12:58It's a pity you don't like them, because you could be having a whale of a time now, couldn't you?
13:02Put a sock in it for half an hour now, will you?
13:13Good living in a tar block, isn't it, though?
13:16Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing.
13:20Look at that view, eh?
13:22On a clear day, you can see the ground.
13:25It's boring.
13:32Boring, boring, boring.
13:38Boring!
13:39You've won in a minute, Rodney!
13:41Well, nothing's open out there and I'm bored.
13:42What?
13:43Hang about and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras.
13:55Everyone's bored.
13:58Christmas is a religious festival. It's meant to be boring.
14:01I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord. A time of great joy.
14:07It is a time of great joy. That's why everything's closed.
14:11Everyone's at home enjoying themselves, like us.
14:14Enjoying themselves?
14:15Yeah, where's me nuts?
14:21Just take a look at it out there, Del.
14:24It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
14:26The buildings are still standing, but there's no sign of life.
14:28Nah.
14:31The British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
14:35We're all charging towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom,
14:38like a herd of them, er...
14:41Oh, what's them things what commit suicide all the time?
14:44Japanese.
14:46No, lemmings.
14:48Yeah, like a herd of lemmings.
14:51Let's go out somewhere, Del, eh?
14:53There's better be a pub or a club open somewhere.
14:55It's Christmas night, Rodney.
14:56The Monte Carlo Club, New Cross, that's otan.
15:00Then again, it is a bit rough.
15:02Oh, rough, is it?
15:03Yes, it's all those big men drinking beer and burping.
15:06Drinking tart, you.
15:08All right, then let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
15:11You get a few birds down there, might be able to pull a couple.
15:13I don't want to go out, Rodney.
15:15Oh, well, you're boring as well.
15:16You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself, Rodney.
15:19Well, why don't you want to go out?
15:21I shall tell you why, shall I?
15:23It may have slipped your notice, but there are three people living in this flat.
15:26You, me and that scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys.
15:30Namely our grandfather.
15:32They're not seriously suggesting that we push off out of it and leave him here on his own, are you?
15:35We often leave him on his own.
15:37Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney. Not on Christmas night.
15:41Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once.
15:45No, he would pretend that he wouldn't mind.
15:47But you don't know what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in this empty flat all in his own.
15:52You know, thinking about the good old days when mum and dad were here and Christmas time was a great big family affair.
16:00And we're still family, Rodney.
16:01So you're going to stay in with me and grandad and watch, you know, the sound of music.
16:06I don't like the sound of music.
16:08Well, switch over.
16:10What's on? The circus.
16:12I want to go out, Del.
16:14Listen, Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the country tonight sitting on their own.
16:20Now, half of them don't get a Christmas card, let alone a bit of company.
16:24So you're going to stay in with me and grandad.
16:26Look, if I want to go out, I'll go out.
16:29You won't.
16:30I won't.
16:31I will.
16:32You won't, Rodney.
16:33I will, Del.
16:34You won't.
16:35I will.
16:36You won't.
16:37I will.
16:38I'm off out now. See you later.
16:40See you later, grandad.
16:41You won't.
16:42I will.
16:43Listen, if I...
16:45Oi! Oi!
16:46Just a minute.
16:47Where do you think you're going?
16:48I'm going to the old folks' Christmas duo over the community centre.
16:52I thought anything would be better than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing.
16:58Tell us what happens in the sound of music.
17:01See ya.
17:03Yes.
17:04See ya, grandad.
17:06Well, that's terrific, that is, isn't it?
17:09Charming.
17:10He goes out gallivanting, we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
17:14Oh, no, brother.
17:15Definitely not.
17:17Let's put our glad rags on and hit the Monte Carlo club, eh?
17:20Yeah.
17:21Right.
17:22Now, listen.
17:23I'll have a bath first because there's hardly any hot water left.
17:26Right.
17:27You, uh, fit yourself a drink, make yourself comfortable and, uh, watch the circus.
17:30All right?
17:31Right.
17:32Let's go.
18:03Oi, John.
18:04Here's Remy Martin with cream soda and lots of ice and half a lager.
18:10Hello, my son. You all right, Earl?
18:12Hello, doll boy. Nice Christmas.
18:14Oh, yeah, blinder.
18:16Where's the enemy?
18:17She took the kids over her mum's.
18:19Oh, yeah?
18:20Here, how's the old man?
18:22Up and down like Tower Bridge.
18:24Still in hospital, unconscious most of the time.
18:28You know, when he wakes up, he don't know where he is.
18:30Oh, well, next time when he comes round again,
18:35you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
18:37Yeah. Oh, well, doll.
18:38Yeah.
18:39What's, uh, what's wrong with him?
18:42I can't pronounce it.
18:47Oh, yeah. How much is that, please?
18:4998, please.
18:5098, there you are. Keep your change.
18:51Now, listen, Earl.
18:53Now, listen, my son. This is what you want to do.
18:56Next time you're up to the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons.
18:58You know, they're the guys in a little white jacket.
19:00You know, you say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
19:04Antibi...
19:05That is...
19:05Ant-ee-bi-o-tics.
19:10Right?
19:11Hang on, look. I'll write it down for you.
19:12Rodney, give me that replay I gave you for your Christmas present.
19:15Yeah. Right.
19:17Now then, let's see.
19:18You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
19:19Eh?
19:20I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
19:22What, that bunch of wallies?
19:24Pretty good, huh?
19:25No, these are magic things, these are, Earl.
19:28I mean, they work a treat.
19:29God knows where they get them from.
19:31Yeah, do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18 months back,
19:34they gave him so many of these antibiotics
19:36that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better?
19:41Yeah, well, there you are. There it is.
19:43Don't take that to a chemist, will you?
19:45Because it ain't a prescription.
19:46No, I won't, though, boy.
19:47And thanks a lot. That's really nice of you.
19:49Well, that's all right, my son.
19:50Now, you have a good Christmas, you hear?
19:52Yeah.
19:52All right.
19:53Come on, Rodney.
19:56Well, you are something else you are.
19:58Eh?
19:58I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times,
20:01but this takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
20:03I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
20:05Listen, listen, Rodney.
20:07Now, life has been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently.
20:11First of all, he got made redundant,
20:12and it's been like that between him and his missus,
20:15and then to top it all,
20:16his old man collapses in the nag's head
20:18right across the table where me and Trigg were sitting.
20:20It was terrible.
20:21All the glasses went flying and everything.
20:23Yeah?
20:24No.
20:24What, serious?
20:26No, I only had about that much left.
20:29No, I mean, he can't afford a private hospital.
20:32Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
20:34but he couldn't afford the fare.
20:35The way his luck's been going,
20:36he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes.
20:41I've just given him a little bit of false hope, haven't I, eh?
20:43Like a light at the end of the tunnel,
20:46straw to grab at.
20:48Bit of promise for the new year.
20:54Yeah, but I mean,
20:55what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
20:58I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
21:00Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
21:02What do you think they are at that hospital,
21:04a bunch of wallies?
21:05Come on, you Egypt.
21:07You're a flash, you are, isn't you?
21:11You think you know the lot, don't you?
21:13Everything about you is...
21:15leery.
21:17What do you mean, leery?
21:19Look at the way you dress to begin with, eh?
21:22What?
21:22I mean, you make a Christmas tree look sombre.
21:24God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
21:29When they see you coming, you must look like a muggers' pension scheme.
21:34Listen, how do you think...
21:35How do you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
21:38With his plumage, right?
21:40Well, this is my plumage.
21:43You see, when I approach a bird,
21:45she doesn't see the real me,
21:46the young, good-looking man about town,
21:48own teeth and all that sort of game.
21:49No, she sees, in her subconscious,
21:53a white yacht floating on the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
21:57Is that right?
21:58Yeah.
21:59With you, they see a Winkle Barge sinking off the end of South End Pier.
22:03No, because I don't need all the bullion and the perfume and the white shoes,
22:07cos I'm natural.
22:08I'm me, Del.
22:09I'm me.
22:09Yes, I know you're you.
22:11That's why you always end up with a dog.
22:12I do not go out with dogs.
22:14Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
22:15You've had more dogs than Crufts.
22:17The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners.
22:20They found a muzzle in the pocket.
22:22No.
22:23No, Rodney, I know the secret, you see.
22:25That's why I always blag the good'uns, you know,
22:27the air hostesses and the part-time models.
22:30Oh, yes, bruv.
22:32I've got the secret.
22:33Never fails me.
22:39Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
22:41I think you just cracked it again.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:42That's when I get the shit that's all over me.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50I can't do with a sit-down.
23:08My pen's a half aching.
23:09It's amazing, isn't it?
23:11Look at us, eh?
23:12The Peckham Playboys.
23:13I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
23:16Yeah, you ought to be used to it.
23:17The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is your cracker.
23:20Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
23:22Go on, look lively.
23:29Hey, Del, look.
23:31Oh, what?
23:32Look.
23:33Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
23:35Oh, never mind about a table.
23:36Look at them two.
23:37Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
23:38Well, sit at their table.
23:40Come on.
23:48Well, go on, then, Del.
23:49Go on, what?
23:50Do the piss, I'll chat them up.
23:52How come it's always me that's got to do all the donkey work, eh?
23:55You're like the spy, you are, Rodders.
23:57You're the one who finds out where the enemy is hiding,
23:59but I'm the one who's got to charge across no-man's land
24:01and do the capturing.
24:02Well, I think it's about time that you took some of the old shot and shell.
24:05Go on.
24:05What, me, chat them up?
24:08Yeah, go on.
24:11All right, I'll do it.
24:13Well, go on, then.
24:15I will.
24:16What are you doing?
24:26Eh?
24:26What are you doing?
24:27Psyking myself up.
24:30It's all right.
24:31Be with you in a minute, girls.
24:32He's just psyching himself up.
24:33Shut up.
24:35Come on.
24:36Look, behave yourself.
24:37Now, look, this is kamikaze time.
24:38Now, go on, get over there.
24:40I will.
24:40Well, go on, then.
24:41In my own time, Del.
24:44All right.
24:54Go on, then.
24:55Just shut up, will you?
25:09Oi!
25:10Soppy!
25:11Come here!
25:11I'd like to kill you sometimes.
25:19Sometimes I'd really like to work you bad.
25:21What was that silly walk for?
25:23Your gut's playing you up again.
25:24It wasn't a silly walk.
25:25It was body language.
25:27Look, I've got this book on it.
25:28Body language?
25:29I thought you were limping.
25:30I was talking to them.
25:32Talking?
25:32You were lisping?
25:33What were you supposed to be saying, then?
25:35Well, the walk was saying, pelvis, virility.
25:40It was saying, now, here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
25:45Oh.
25:46From back here, it was saying, here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
25:50Look, just don't do it.
25:52Right?
25:53Don't do it.
25:54Now, go over again, and this time, walk normal.
25:58Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
26:00I made myself look a right lemon.
26:01No, you haven't.
26:02Go on.
26:02Well, after a bort of me attempt halfway through.
26:04No, no, you go.
26:05Well, after you've made a right lemon of yourself.
26:07No way, brother, no.
26:09Now, listen.
26:10Come here, look.
26:11Tell you what we'll do.
26:12We'll act cool, right?
26:13Just come on, stroll casually over to the bar.
26:16We'll get ourselves a drink, and then when they're not looking...
26:19Sneak out.
26:20We'll sneak...
26:21No.
26:22When they're not looking, we'll ambush them.
26:27You, Wally.
26:28Come on.
26:34Hey, Del.
26:47No, I've got it.
26:48I've got it.
26:48No, just now.
26:49Shut up.
26:49Shut up.
26:51This is what we're going to do.
26:54You're going to leave the club.
26:56Leave?
26:57Yeah.
26:58Then when you get outside, you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
27:00Then you come back to the dormant, and you say that there is a brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche
27:04obstructing your freewheel van.
27:08Why?
27:09Well, because then he'll come on the mic, won't he, and say,
27:10Will the owner of the brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche kindly move it, as it is obstructing
27:15some saps freewheel van?
27:17See, then I will casually get up, jangle in my keys, and join you outside.
27:26Why?
27:28Well, because them birds will think that I drive a brand new Rolls-Royce Corniche, won't they?
27:33Oh, yeah.
27:36Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheel van.
27:39Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
27:41Yeah, I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I?
27:44Well, they won't, will they?
27:45Because you'll be outside.
27:47With you?
27:48Right.
27:51So that means the girls will be in here in the warm, and us two shrewdies will be outside
27:56on the pavement somewhere congratulating each other, then we're going to have to pay to
28:00get back in again.
28:07Yeah, all right.
28:08Yeah.
28:08All right, then, clever dick.
28:11All right, what we'll do, we'll play it by you.
28:12We'll just go over there and engage them in conversation, right?
28:15Right.
28:15Right.
28:20I know I'll do it a minute, Dale.
28:21What?
28:22What sort of conversation are you going to engage them in, eh?
28:25I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
28:27You always say, oh, yeah, you've got flash cars, and we're film producers, and we've got
28:30a private jet, don't you?
28:32Well, everyone exaggerates now and then, Rodney.
28:34Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
28:35I get embarrassed.
28:37Look, just tell them the truth, right?
28:39Just tell them about our lives and what we do.
28:41All right, all right.
28:43I just want to sit down.
28:44You can do the talking.
28:45Right.
28:45No, I'll do it, Dale.
28:48Oh, good almighty.
28:50But what shall I say to them?
28:52What?
28:53Well, I don't know.
28:54Why don't you tell them that you went down to auction on Friday and bought a 1962 A40?
28:59That you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market and knocked out two gross of fire salvaged
29:03Rubik cubes in Croydon Shopping Precinct?
29:06You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
29:07Tantalise them.
29:09Don't think it might bore them?
29:10No.
29:11They won't have had so much fun since their last exorcism.
29:14We don't want to talk about Christmas.
29:16Yeah, that's a good idea.
29:17Tell them all about the giblets.
29:19Come on.
29:21No, Dale, I'll get it.
29:22Look, I shall kick you in the shins in a minute.
29:26Now what?
29:27Which one do you fancy?
29:29Not yours.
29:31Look, they're both very nice.
29:33Look, I ain't particular.
29:35No, I ain't particular neither.
29:37Good.
29:37I'll have the blonde one then.
29:38No, I fancy the blonde one.
29:39No, Gordon, then it.
29:42Now listen, the dark-haired one is very nice.
29:46And if I'm not mistaken, I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's Hospital.
29:50Now either she is a very sick girl or she's a nurse.
29:53Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
29:55Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
29:58Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
30:00Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
30:02Well, of course she ain't.
30:05You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club dressed up like Sister George, do you?
30:08On the other hand, she might have a uniform with her.
30:12Oh, yeah, stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home.
30:17All right, so she hasn't got a uniform with her.
30:19On the other hand, she might have something for your stomach, mightn't she?
30:22Now come along, we're going to make our move, and I'm going to do all the talking.
30:28So if you should hear things like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach, or Lady Diana, don't get nervous.
30:34All right.
30:35You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
30:48Me? Don't blame me, girl. It's your fault.
30:50Look, five minutes ago, I was ready to make my move, and you kept calling me back again.
30:54An hour ago, I was halfway across that floor, and you called me back.
30:57Yes, that's because you was doing a silly walk, weren't you?
31:00But anyway, your timing was all wrong.
31:02The girls had hardly sat down, and you were steaming across the floor like Ivor the engine.
31:07No good crashing in there with a smile and a prayer.
31:11A woman needs time, Rodney.
31:13Yeah, with them tactics, they never failed me in the past.
31:16No, I know, it wouldn't do with them oval teenies that you chat up.
31:19Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
31:21If they don't know Adamant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
31:26With me, it's different.
31:27I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
31:31I do.
31:33Look, when a woman goes out with me, she is guaranteed three things.
31:38Well, four, actually, but a fourth is an optional extra.
31:41She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
31:44Yes, she is.
31:46She's guaranteed a steak meal, and she is guaranteed care and consideration.
31:51Oh, now, come on.
31:52Oh, yes, she is.
31:54I take a woman's feelings into consideration.
31:56No, it's so easy to hurt her deeply with a faultless word, a badly-timed gesture.
32:04No, I don't care about women's feelings.
32:07It's too much pain in this world, Rodney, without me causing more.
32:10Excuse me, ladies, it's getting rather late, and my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking about going home yet.
32:28Oh, yes, we were just going to get our coats.
32:31Oh, good.
32:32We can have your chairs in, can't we?
32:34Come on.
32:35That's fine.
32:36Come on.
32:37Come on, Rodney.
32:38Excuse me, Rodney.
32:39No income tax, no VAT.
33:02No money back, no guarantee.
33:06Black or white, rich or broke, a will-cut prices and a straw.
33:14God bless, Hooky Street.
33:17Viva, Hooky Street.
33:20Long live, Hooky Street.
33:23Saint-Magnifique, Hooky Street.
33:26Magnifique, Hooky Street.
33:30Hooky Street.
33:32Hooky Street.