- 30/05/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Stick a pony in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:25But here's the one that's driving me berserk
00:29Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La-la-la-la
00:34La-la-la-la-la
00:36La-la-la-la
00:38La-la-la-la-la
00:40You see, I mean, to me, Janice
00:48Art
00:50You know, art as an art, right
00:54Must, by its very nature, be self-indulgent, right?
00:58I mean, as I said to David Hockney once
01:02The inherent element in all artistic projects
01:05Should not be one of contemporary mass appeal
01:07But rather one of personal symbolism
01:10Don't you agree, Janice?
01:12I don't know, Rodney
01:14Oh, well, um, you know, that's why I like talking to you
01:18You know, you're one of the few people who seems to understand me
01:23My father done paints, you know
01:26Really?
01:27Yeah, for the council
01:28Oh, no, that is cosmic, Janice
01:31No, really?
01:32That, no, that is cosmic, that
01:34That's probably why we have the same appreciation and understanding of true art
01:38I mean, we have an affinity
01:40An aesthetic bond
01:41We are kindred spirits, Janice
01:43Seekers of beauty in a broken, ugly world
01:47Janice?
01:49Yes, Rodney
01:51Get your bra off
01:52I can't
01:56Well, of course you can
01:57You must live and be free
01:59I can't, Rodney
02:00I'm not wearing one
02:03Oh
02:05Well
02:08Oh, yeah
02:11Well, not dark in here, ain't it?
02:18Oh, that's better
02:19Oh, put him down, Janice
02:22Put him down
02:22You don't know where he's been
02:24Oh, well, then
02:25What have we got going on here?
02:26Oh, I'll have a drop of that
02:27Thanks
02:28Yeah, look
02:29We don't want all this rubbish on, do we, eh?
02:31That's better
02:32Oi, Janice
02:34You mind his bruises, won't you?
02:35What bruises?
02:36His bruises
02:36He's covered in them
02:37It's where the girls keep on pushing them away
02:39With ten-foot barge poles
02:40Oh, dear, oh, dear
02:43That's better
02:44You're in, are you, Dale?
02:48Yes, yes, I'm in, Rodders
02:49Hope you've been behaving yourself
02:51You know, remember what I told you
02:53Not to do it on your own doorstep
02:54We've just been sitting here discussing art, that's all
02:58Do you like art, Dale?
02:59Oh, yeah
03:00Dale used to be cultural advisor to the Chelsea shed
03:03Yeah, I like art, Janice
03:04I like art, you know
03:05I'm a Renaissance man, myself
03:07You know, I like them pictures where the eyes
03:09Follow you around the room
03:11Last week, down the Pie and Eel shop
03:13Dale shook the international art world to its very foundations
03:17By stating, quite openly
03:18That Michelangelo was a Wally brain
03:21Well, he was a Wally brain, wasn't he?
03:24Took him 12 years to paint one ceiling
03:26God, that wouldn't do your brother Donald any good, would it, Janice, eh?
03:30Well, he's on bonus
03:31I do not believe this
03:34I'm going to wake up in a minute
03:36Here, look, I'll tell you another thing while we're about it
03:38And, oh, you know, some of those artists, you know
03:40They're a bit sick, if you ask me
03:41What are you on about now?
03:43Well, look, take a look at this, right?
03:44Now, this is a statuette
03:46Of the world-famous Venus the Milo, right?
03:49Now, who but the sick of mind
03:51Would do a sculpture of a disabled person?
03:56Am I right, Janice?
03:58It's a bit sick, isn't it?
03:59Yeah, you are, yeah
04:00It wasn't like that originally
04:01No, no, no
04:02This is the product of a twisted imagination, this, Rodney
04:05Yeah, yeah, talking of twisted imaginations
04:07Are you still looking for a job?
04:09What, in this country?
04:10It's three million unemployed
04:12What chance has Rodney gone?
04:13Oh, with his big brother looking after him
04:15He's got every chance in the world
04:16Now, take one of your purple hearts, Rodney
04:18Because I've got a surprise coming for you
04:19I have managed to secure for you
04:22A position with a newly formed security company
04:25Now, they did want a man with previous experience
04:27And as your last job was a milk monitor
04:29I did have a bit of trouble persuading them
04:32But, however, I have managed to swing it for you
04:35Are you putting me on, Del?
04:37No, definitely
04:38I've got a job for you, Rodney
04:40Hey, that's great, Del
04:42Yeah, it's all right
04:43You'll start off as a trainee NSO
04:45No!
04:46Oh, yes
04:47And who knows, my son
04:48You know, use your old filbert
04:49Keep your nose clean
04:50A couple of years' time
04:51You could end up as a
04:52Well, I don't know
04:52A senior NSO
04:54Oh, I will, Del
04:55I won't let you down, son
04:57What's an NSO?
05:00Oh, don't be a ghost, Janice
05:02What's an NSO?
05:04I don't know they're born, some of them, do they?
05:06That's right
05:07Tell her what an NSO is, Del
05:11NSO, Janice
05:13Is a nocturnal security officer
05:16Yeah, you see
05:17It's a nocturnal security officer
05:18That don't have to sound like a night watchman
05:20It's nothing like a night watchman
05:24I mean, yeah
05:25Yeah, you will have to work at night
05:26And will some of my duties include watching?
05:30No, they won't, no
05:31I mean, all you'll have to do
05:33Is you just have to, you know
05:34You'll, you
05:34Just have to, you
05:35Keep an eye out, don't you?
05:39What was the name of this recently formed security company, then?
05:43Ah, well
05:44You wouldn't have heard of them
05:45Try me, Del
05:46Come on, let's have it
05:47All right
05:48It's called
05:50Trotter Watch
05:52Trotter Watch?
05:54Yeah
05:54That's you, isn't it?
05:56I'm working for you, aren't I?
05:57You see, the way I see it, Rodney
05:59Is that crime is a growth industry
06:00So I'm getting in while the going is good
06:02It's a nice regular job
06:04It's got a uniform
06:05Good wages
06:07How good
06:07Oh, we'll talk about that later
06:09First of all
06:10Let us try on your uniform, eh?
06:13There, come on
06:13Slip into it
06:14There it is
06:15Oh, look at that
06:16Colour suits you, doesn't it, eh?
06:19Yes
06:20Look at that fit
06:22Oh, yeah
06:23Deja vu
06:25It's like it's made to measure, isn't it?
06:26Yeah
06:27For someone else
06:28Yeah, now
06:30Oh, well
06:30Sleeves and that
06:31Well, he'll grow into them
06:32Don't worry about that
06:33Here, let's have a look
06:33That's it
06:34T-W
06:35That's right
06:36Trotter watch
06:37It could also stand for traffic warden, though
06:40Traffic warden?
06:41Oh, yeah, because it could, yeah
06:42Traffic warden, yeah, yeah
06:43This is a traffic warden's uniform, isn't it?
06:45It is not a traffic warden's uniform
06:47You've got me done up as a bloody traffic warden
06:50Oh, no
06:50It is once and for all
06:52It is not a traffic warden's uniform
06:54Now, just trust me, will you?
06:56Put your cap on
06:57Well?
07:01I look like a traffic warden
07:02I look like a traffic warden
07:04I ain't been well
07:05Oh, don't you look
07:08You look stunning, Rodders
07:09Oh, yeah, look at that
07:11You're admitting authority
07:12All over the place
07:13I'm not doing it, Del
07:15I don't want a job
07:16Oh, no, come on, Rodney
07:17You've got to do it
07:18You can't let me down
07:18I gave them your word
07:19Give who my word?
07:20Well, the people down
07:21At the Tyler Street Bus and Coach Garage
07:23That's where you're going to be based
07:24No, I'm definitely not doing it, Del
07:26Oh, well, yeah, okay
07:28Well, of course, if you're scared
07:30You could admit it
07:31Come on
07:33Oh, Alemania, dispoir
07:35Janice will understand if your bottle has gone
07:38No, he's scared
07:41Must be joking
07:43Ah, that's the spirit
07:45Now, I want you down there nine o'clock tomorrow night
07:48I'm a stickler for punctuality
07:50All right
07:50Now then, I'm going to bed
07:52Oh, yeah, by the way
07:55Excuse me a minute, Janice
07:56Sorry, Janice
07:56Yeah
07:57Your bondage ropes, they're in the garage, all right
08:00And Grandad, he's washed your whip
08:01And he's put it in the airing cupboard
08:03I don't think it's shrunk
08:05Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone
08:08And I shall just say
08:09A Buenos Aires
08:10Janice!
08:16Janice, he was only...
08:17You rotten dick, Del!
08:28Well, I'll leave it all in your capable hands then, Rodders
08:30Yeah, cheers, Del
08:32You realise this job's going to mess up my love life, don't you?
08:35Right, why?
08:36Giving you every second Sunday off, ain't I?
08:38Yeah, but Janice is only going to be happy with that, is she?
08:40I mean, while I'm down here at night, she could be going out with someone else
08:44Now, look, don't worry about that
08:46What do you think I'm all dressed up for like this, eh?
08:50Taking Janice out for a meal
08:51You're taking Janice out?
08:53Of course I am
08:54For your sake
08:55Otherwise, she might be going out with somebody else
08:58Yeah, yeah
08:58Yeah
09:01Cheers, Del
09:04But if she's...
09:07Why are you wearing plimp soles?
09:09What?
09:10So, why are you wearing plimp soles?
09:13Don't you think they mar the overall symmetry of the uniform somewhat?
09:17Well, I can run faster in these
09:19Well, I mean, give chase, you know
09:22Pursue and detain
09:23Sort of
09:23No, nothing happens round here
09:26Quiet as a grave
09:29Well, I'll see you in the morning then, Rodders
09:32Take care now
09:34Yeah
09:36Don't worry about me, Del
09:39I'll be all right
09:53Bye-bye
10:01I'm sorry
10:02I'm sorry
10:02I'm sorry
10:03I'm sorry
10:04I'm sorry
10:04Yeah
10:05Oh
10:35Oh, there you are, Granddad. Here you go. Look at that, look at that.
10:40It's beautiful, isn't it? Beautiful.
10:42It's going to earn our fortunes, this is, Granddad.
10:44Come on, Rodney. It's ten to nine.
10:47I used to be a security officer, you know, before the war.
10:51Blimey, do you mean say that somebody actually trusted you with their property?
10:55It's like trusting a piranha fish with your finger.
11:01Or worse.
11:02Oh, yeah. It was a big warehouse over Kilburn Way.
11:07Stocked everything from bedroom suites to kiddies' toys.
11:12Well, as this fellow used to work there, used to arrive every morning in a big,
11:17wolsey car, he wore a camel's hair overcoat, kid gloves,
11:22and he always carried a brand-new leather attache case,
11:27and he smoked expensive cigars.
11:29Well, call it intuition if you like, but I was suspicious of him.
11:35Oh, yeah, why?
11:37Well, we were only a sweeper up.
11:39Well, how do you do it, Holmes?
11:43Anyhow, one night as he was leaving, I stopped him and I searched his attache case.
11:54It were empty.
11:56Still, unperturbed by this minor hiccup in my investigation,
12:02I stopped him and searched his attache case every night for an whole year.
12:07Then he left.
12:10I wonder why?
12:11I don't remember.
12:13I think he claimed someone was victimising him.
12:17No unions in them days, see?
12:21No, well, this is it, ain't it, eh?
12:23Yeah.
12:24Anyway, a couple of weeks after he left, the auditors come.
12:29You know what they discovered?
12:31We was missing 348 attache case.
12:37What, you mean you'd been searching the stolen gear?
12:41Yeah, and I got done for it, fingerprints.
12:47There's a moral to this story, dear boy, but for the life of me, I can't find it.
12:54I don't think I'm going to bother to look either, Grandad.
12:57Hello, the son of the bride of Dracula.
12:59Here he is.
13:00What time is it?
13:01The time is nearly nine o'clock.
13:03Nine?
13:04Oh, I'm going to be late if I don't get a move on.
13:06No, no, it's all right, there's no worry.
13:07No, no, go on, no rush, sit down, take it easy.
13:09That's it, go on.
13:10Let me get you a cup of tea, all right?
13:12Oh, yeah.
13:12Here you go, then.
13:13Are you still taking my part with Janice?
13:15Yes, don't worry, I won't let you down.
13:18Oh, cheers, Del.
13:19How am I doing?
13:20Very well, very well, yes.
13:22One more steak meal could crack it.
13:26Yeah?
13:26I haven't done this well with a girl for a long time.
13:29You're like me, Rodney.
13:31I've never ever found it easy to get girlfriends.
13:35I wonder why.
13:37Hey, it's still light out.
13:39It's broad daylight.
13:40No, of course it would be, wouldn't it?
13:41Nine o'clock in the morning.
13:42What do you expect?
13:43Nine o'clock in the morning?
13:44I thought it was nine at night.
13:46I've only been in bed 20 minutes.
13:47What are you waiting for?
13:49Sit down and sit down.
13:50It's all right, all right.
13:52Don't exaggerate.
13:5320 minutes.
13:54Listen, I want to discuss something very important with you, see?
13:56What could be that important, hey?
13:58Well, I haven't got Janice into trouble, have we?
14:00Don't be silly.
14:02At least I hope not.
14:03No.
14:05Listen, I want to talk to you, see?
14:07Now, this night security job of yours is merely a tiny part of my immaculate scheme.
14:12What immaculate scheme?
14:14The tourist trade, Rodney.
14:15The tourist trade.
14:17See, do you realise that over 2,000 tourists pouring to London every day?
14:20And I happen to know, despite the fact that tourism has never been so high,
14:24the coach party trade is falling off.
14:26Now, why, you may ask?
14:27Yeah, why is that, Del?
14:29Well, since you ask, I will tell you, Rodney.
14:31The reason is, your average tourist gets fed up, doesn't he?
14:34I've seen the same old places like the Houses of Parliament, Buck House,
14:38the National Gallery, you know.
14:40Once you've seen one Rubens, you've seen them all.
14:43Now, this is where a dynamic person like me steps in.
14:47Wake up while your brother's being dynamic.
14:48I'm sorry.
14:49Go on.
14:50Yeah, right.
14:51You see, out there, Rodney, out there is a new, vibrant, exciting London
14:56awaiting to be discovered.
14:57Is there?
14:58Yeah.
14:59Of course there is.
15:00Ethnic London.
15:02Ethnic London?
15:03Yeah.
15:04Yes, you know, all those romantic places that you've only heard about in fairy tales.
15:09You know, the Lee Valley Viaduct.
15:13The glow of Lower Edmonton at dusk.
15:16The excitement of a walkabout in Croydon.
15:19Yeah, look.
15:20Look what I've had printed.
15:23Oh, I don't believe this.
15:25Trotters Ethnic Tours.
15:27There's all this squiggly stuff and the Chinese.
15:29The squiggly stuff, the squiggly.
15:31That is Arabic, isn't it?
15:32And the Chinese is Japanese.
15:33It's a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
15:37So, we got to speak their lingo, ain't we?
15:40We?
15:40French, I like it.
15:42Already you're picking up the lingo, son.
15:45That is what I call enthusiasm, Rodney.
15:48I weren't speaking in French, Del.
15:50I meant, what do you mean, we?
15:51We, us, you know, us.
15:52Yeah, you know, because it's a family enterprise, isn't it?
15:55Granddaddy will sell the programs.
15:57I shall be the courier.
15:59And you, Rodney, you have got the best job of all, because you will drive the bus.
16:06Hold tight, everybody.
16:07Rodney's coming, eh?
16:09Be another wage, Rodney.
16:10I've already got a wage, Del.
16:12Yeah, but you can't afford to live on what I pay you, can you?
16:15I don't know, Del, how much you're paying me.
16:16Well, not a lot.
16:18Not a lot.
16:19See, you know, I can't afford to.
16:21Well, I've done a deal with a bus garage.
16:25What happened was, I provided them with a nocturnal security operator fee.
16:31and they provide me with an open-top bus that saves the exchange of any cash you know stops
16:36all the paperwork and income tax yeah hey i can't what about it rodney a lot of work and effort has
16:44gone into this enterprise hey my granddad he was uptown this morning at the crack of dawn
16:50distributing all these leaflets to every hotel boarding house and hostel he could find granddad
16:56he believes in this scheme don't you granddad if it tours it's the most stupidest thing i've ever
17:01heard of del you can't expect me to work all night then in the morning drive a busload of
17:09tourists around ethnic london i've got to sleep del my old body's crying out for sleep yeah yeah
17:17i'll tell you what i'll do um i'll get you some assistance at the garage hey then you can have
17:21a kip i'll get you uh i'll get you an ex-police dog ex-police dog yeah now you fancy some breakfast
17:30oh i wouldn't say no del good great come on then off we go there you go in it while you're in there
17:35make me a bacon sandwich all right where are you gonna get an ex-police dog from i'll get him
17:43i'll get him i'll get him nero who's nero nero janice's corgi
18:02we clearly stated on our leaflets that nine o'clock was departure time here we are eleven
18:17thirty no sign on i've told you before no one will turn up yes they will as soon as the word spreads
18:25about a bit they'll be here in droves now the only thing that worries me is is a 59-seater bus
18:31going to be big enough i mean perhaps we should have had two you know maybe three a tandem would
18:35be too big yeah will you i'll bet you not one single tourist arrives i'll bet you 50 quid they do
18:45right 50 quid you're on right then all right right right right right right shut up you two will you
18:54i didn't get a wink of sleep last night taking that rotten dog for walkies and what have you
18:59done that's a funny kind of police dog that dill it saw a cat and run a mile
19:05ah well cats aren't nero's strong point show him a burglar and it becomes a tower of strength
19:12where's all these tourists then i thought we'd be having an ethnic look around chingford by now
19:16don't worry they'll be here shut up you how much are you charging them for this tour then 17 quid each
19:2917 pounds for a walkabout in croydon well that includes lunch doesn't it traditional british fare
19:35donna kebab something like that donna kebab for 17 nicker i'd want donna summers well you would
19:42wouldn't you you tight wad now these tourists they don't mind splashing out before i didn't get in
19:47value for money now look at that they'll snap these souvenirs of oldie london up they will
19:54yeah it's a snip that is a fiver ago almost alabaster you know you're gonna sell them models of a roman
20:01statue now housed in the louvre gallery in paris for souvenirs of old london it's the venus de milo del
20:10no that is bodicea that isn't it oh you see a road round in a chariot with big swords sticking out
20:16the wheels all right so she fell off her chariot just trying to rip them off ain't you oh contraire
20:24rodney oh contraire oh i don't want to leave them potless i want them to have some money in their
20:30pockets at least enough for us to have a tip as a courier what do you actually know about these
20:36obscure places you intend to drag them to no nothing at least twice as much as they know don't worry i
20:45i shall bluff them rodney i should use the old spiel they ask me any questions that i find a bit
20:49dodgy to answer i should just say i can't understand their english huh don't worry be a doddle
20:58i mean today i shall take them down shoreditch and show them the house where sherlock holmes was born
21:06sherlock holmes was fictional was he oh well i'll just say his house got blown up during the war
21:11tomorrow i shall take him to the summit of mount pleasant the summit of mount pleasant
21:19what's the matter with you granddad can't you stay at heights or something mount pleasant hasn't got a
21:23summit all he's got is a big post office sorting depot
21:27that's ethnic innit hey we can give them a guided tour of the depot you know show them the workers
21:34getting the most from the post i said stay awake if i was you they'll be here in their hundreds in a minute
21:48take them over to north london you know show them where jack the ripper was buried nobody knows where
21:54jack the ripper was buried well they can't prove me wrong then can they eh shall we give them another
22:01five minutes and go bill yeah all right take the bus back to the garage and you can begin your night
22:06shift all right cheers bill i want you back first thing in the morning though and don't forget to take
22:12nero out so he can do his business
22:28pina lager rodney i sold right out of pina coladas dell so i got your mackison instead
22:35it's good thinking yes thank you granddad
22:42what are you going to do if the tourists start asking about the history of places
22:46i mean say one of them wants to know how the yellow foot and castle got his name
22:50well i'll just say um once upon a time richard the lion heart or coeur de leon as the french
22:58used to call him which he did not like one little bit see where a little bit of intimate
23:03knowledge goes a long way in impressing people well i'll say that he had a castle situated roughly
23:08near the roundabout
23:12oh say uh hannibal and his elephants they lay siege to the castle and bob's your uncle across the alps
23:22oh no on his way to the castle and the natives who had never seen an elephant they were sorely afraid
23:32and that is how it became known in that area as the elephant and castle
23:38if they'd never seen an elephant before how did they know it was an elephant
23:43for god's sake granddad an elephant's a bloody elephant in it i mean you can't watch that i mean
23:51you can't look at an elephant and say oh no we'll call this place the cow and castle you can't do that
23:55can you but you're not telling them the truth are you the truth the truth you're so naive rodders
24:03the truth is only relative to what you can earn from a lie
24:07einstein i'll tell you one truth that you won't earn a brass farthing out of no one's gonna turn up
24:14they will turn up they've got to this time next year we'll be millionaires
24:22you said that this time last year no you're eating ain't you
24:26now i wanted to do this for years rodney i always thought if we could make a success of it
24:37that eventually we would go legit you know we would register the name trotters independent traders
24:44it's a proper mccoy company i have this dream you and i own this skyscraper office block on the south
24:53bank we're standing on the balcony in a penthouse suite with a couple of sorts gabrielle bianca
25:05braless but with class yeah did you know your janice doesn't wear a bra yeah i know oh you know
25:13full of rubber plants and pine tongue and groove and we're sipping
25:17red drinks and above us on top of the skyscraper in 50 foot high neon lettering are the initials of
25:27trotters independent traders good ain't it hey terrific del yeah now they gotta come
25:36my dream starts the way every success starts a great big rip off
25:40del granddad's right no one's gonna turn up yes they will you wait and see
25:48i think that dream of yours contains a subliminal message yeah
25:52do you want a sort of subconscious truth you see this skyscraper belonging to trotters independent
25:58traders right yeah and on the roof of the company's initials and you're standing on the penthouse balcony
26:05well don't you see what the dream's trying to tell you as you're standing on that balcony with your
26:10red drink just above your head in 50 foot high neon lettering is the word tit
26:17you owe me 50 quid on that bet hey oh all right you old pessimist
26:47what about our wages then del oh yeah i meant to talk to you about that
27:17i thought that was going to be the big one rodney i thought i was going to be the freddie
27:34laker of the highways it was a nice try del yeah i don't understand it i just don't understand it
27:40granddad distributed a thousand liters a thousand you'd thought the one just one bunter might have
27:46been interested still as dear old mum used to say it's better to know you've lost but not to know
27:54you've won dear old mum she used to say some bloody stupid things chuck this down a shoe
28:0330 35 40 45 50 well that weren't too bad was it rodney i've had two days away from the housework
28:16a nice little drink and i've won myself a 50 quid bet very nice very nice indeed
28:24where's del boy oh he's just going to chuck that sign down a dust shoe
28:29ah the dust shoe oh my god
28:34brandon
28:40come here you senile old parasite it wasn't me del boy it was me brain wasn't your oh brain you if i
28:50i'll catch all of you come here get it
28:59you've got some hard price black ties some miles and miles of carpet ties tv's deep freeze and david
29:05bowie old pigs pool games gold chains wuss names and header push and trevor francey tracksuits from a
29:11mush and shepherds bush bush bush bush bush bush no income tax no vat no money back no guarantee
29:21black or white rich or broke a will cut prices and a straw
29:29god bless hooky street viva hooky street long live hooky street same man defeat hooky street
29:41man defeat hooky street hooky street hooky street
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