- 19/06/2025
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00:00Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much indeed. Thanks, ta, grazie.
00:30I don't know if you know what this is, I expect most of you recognise it, it's a brain, a human brain.
00:43But I wonder if you know whose brain it is.
00:46Well, before I tell you, I should let you into a little secret, I've for some years now been earning myself quite a reputation as something of a practical joker.
00:54And what's happened is this, that earlier this evening I crept into Hugh's dressing room while he was asleep.
01:00And very carefully took out his brain, making sure not to wake him up.
01:07So this is Hugh's brain, he's about to come on any minute, so let's see if he notices anything's amiss.
01:14Here he comes.
01:19Hello, Hugh, what have you been up to?
01:22Hi. Oh, I've just been watching that Noel Edmonds on television.
01:25Oh, he's just...
01:26Oh, ho, ho, ho.
01:28I see.
01:30Oh, dear.
01:31He is brilliant, that is fantastic.
01:34You feeling all right, are you, Hugh?
01:36Yeah, fine, fine.
01:37Yeah?
01:37And then I saw a bit of an interview with Kenneth Baker.
01:40Oh, that man is fantastic.
01:42Really?
01:43Oh, well, he's just what this country needs.
01:46He's firm, he's courageous, and his views on education,
01:50well, I mean, they're just so enlightened and sophisticated
01:54and enthralling.
01:56Well, of course, he's an utterly enthralling man.
01:58Well, of course, we can see what's happened,
02:00but I don't think he's got a clue, has he?
02:02Hugh, do you recognise this?
02:03It's a cauliflower.
02:05He's been a great sport, hasn't he, ladies and gentlemen?
02:07What are you off to do now, Hugh?
02:08I'm going to go and write a letter to points of view.
02:12I think I may have gone too far.
02:18Well, not without falling over and hitting someone rather old.
02:24Gerald Kaufman is a member of the Labour Party
02:27and Daphne du Maurer lived in Cornwall.
02:29Is that it? No?
02:32Yeah, I like to eat Greek at least once in a time, Gorton.
02:36It's a plain cuisine, simply prepared.
02:39Yeah, I'm not averse myself, Stuart.
02:41No?
02:42Oh, no, I'm substantially partial to a plate of Greek.
02:44Substantially partial.
02:45Oh, well, we won't worry about this.
02:47I'll chat to the top overweight personally.
02:49This is strictly for the walk-in punters.
02:51Right to your beat.
02:52Ah, listen to that bazooka music, Gordon.
02:55East meets West.
02:59Yeah, love it.
03:00Yeah.
03:01Of course, there's a lot to be learned from you Greeks, you know.
03:03After all, they gave us the word Civilization.
03:06I thought that was the Romans.
03:10Yeah, well, ethnically the same people, Gordon.
03:13Also, of course, they gave us the word Economics.
03:15Very sharp, folky Greeks.
03:17And, of course, the word Gnoimene.
03:22The word Gnoimene.
03:23Only I think we gave that one back straight away.
03:27Yeah, yeah.
03:28Oh, yeah, very tough, folky Hellenics.
03:30Tough as the rocks and boulders
03:32that shape the islands and hills of their landscape.
03:34You know, I wouldn't be surprised
03:35if there wasn't a lesson in there somewhere, Steve.
03:37Oh, certainly there is.
03:38Certainly there is.
03:39I've often thought of putting out a paper
03:40on the correlation between landscape and business acumen.
03:43Oh, you could really set fire to some arses
03:45with a paper like that.
03:47I hope so, I hope so.
03:48Yeah, with a theory of that kind,
03:49I reckon the Institute of Executive Salesmen
03:51would just go ape-crazy on all fours.
03:54It wouldn't surprise me.
03:55I mean, take my own case, for example.
03:57Uh, myself way back when,
03:58my folks originally hailed from Yorkshire.
04:00You see what we've got?
04:01We've got limestone uplands,
04:02unforgiving moors and scarred dales.
04:05A beautiful, uncompromising,
04:07hard and wide nurse of men.
04:10Yeah, but you were born in Surrey.
04:13Yeah, but the limestone's in my blood, Gordon.
04:14It's in the way I do business.
04:16Uh, so where are you from, first off?
04:18Um, Lincolnshire.
04:19Ah, you see?
04:20Flat, sodden, yielding,
04:22strong, cautious,
04:24always late for meetings.
04:26Well, Lincolnshire's flat, stupid.
04:28I wouldn't say it was always late for meetings.
04:31Yeah, maybe I'll do that.
04:32Maybe I'll put that paper out after all.
04:34Service is a bit slow, isn't it?
04:36Ah, you see, Gordon,
04:37that's your typical lowlander's reaction.
04:38That's got Lincolnshire written all over it.
04:40You've got to understand that the Greek does things
04:42at his own tempo, you know?
04:43Natural rhythms and cycles deep within them.
04:45The Yorkshireman in me respects that.
04:47Yeah, but we don't want to be late for the basketball game.
04:49Oh, right.
04:50Service here.
04:51Let's get some action at this table.
04:52Good afternoon, my lovely friends.
04:54Okay, Calispera.
04:55Ah, it's lunchtime.
04:56You mean Gallimera.
04:57Yeah, well, obviously in some dialects, yeah.
05:02The dish of the day is octopus.
05:08I know that, Gordon.
05:10I know that.
05:11Well or where?
05:13Now, this octopus.
05:14Where was it caught?
05:15Where was it caught?
05:17Oh, what a question.
05:18In the sea.
05:20Yeah, right.
05:21So that should be okay, Gordon,
05:22if you want to have that.
05:23I don't know.
05:24So?
05:25I'd like to ask you,
05:26Dolmades,
05:27and a filet of vlaki,
05:29and a buccale retina, please.
05:33Okay.
05:34Do you want to ask me?
05:36Okay.
05:37Is it you?
05:38Oh, I'll have the same.
05:40The paracolo, definitely.
05:43You?
05:44Certainly, gentlemen.
05:45If I start.
05:46Oh, we ought to order up some wine while we're at it.
05:49I just did that, Steve.
05:51Oh, yeah, of course you did.
05:53Sorry, Gordon.
05:54I missed that.
05:55I was miles away, though.
05:56Hmm.
05:57He's a bit forward, isn't he?
05:58All that my lovely friend stuff.
05:59Ah, well, you see, Gordon,
06:00he's spotted a kindred spirit.
06:02What he's done is,
06:03he's spotted the craggy Morlander in me,
06:05and he knows the way clients to be treated with respect,
06:08not your average walk-in, quick turnover merchants.
06:10Ah, Dolmades for my two beautiful English gentlemen.
06:13Great.
06:14Oh, looks good.
06:15Ah, it's very good.
06:16My special friends, eh?
06:18Right.
06:19What is this?
06:20Dolmades.
06:21Stuffed vine leaves.
06:22Stuffed vine leaves?
06:23Is he trying to take us for a ride?
06:27No.
06:28It was a classic Greek dish.
06:29A classic Greek...
06:31God, and what am I?
06:32A peasant or a busy executive?
06:34Do you like my absolute darling?
06:36Ah, yes, everything's fine.
06:37Um, um, my friend doesn't like dolmades.
06:40Ah, but you asked for dolmades.
06:41Yes, he didn't know what they were.
06:43I knew...
06:44No, everything's just fine, thank you.
06:46Ah, come on, Gordon, let's get out of here.
06:48This is just a tourist trap.
06:50In Stevenage?
06:51Why not?
06:52This is good, Stuart.
06:53Jesus, Gordon, these guys must have seen you coming a mile off.
06:57Don't you want your dolmades, then?
06:59Do I want to push a stuffed vine leaf through my face?
07:01No.
07:02Well, if you don't mind, I'll have yours. I'm starving.
07:05Oh!
07:06Oh, that is it.
07:07This...
07:08This wine is corked.
07:09It can't be corked, it's got a metal top.
07:12Don't get it.
07:13Let her just taste it.
07:14Waiter!
07:15It's delicious.
07:16Delicious?
07:17It's got something in it.
07:18Ah, yes, my excellent friends.
07:20It's resonated.
07:21Exactly.
07:22Waiter, this wine has...
07:23What was it?
07:24The wine has resonated in the bottle.
07:26Oh, yes, it's retina.
07:27It's supposed to be like that, Stu.
07:28They had pine needle resins.
07:30Yeah, thanks for your input, Gordon, but I hope I know my wines.
07:34I've been picked out on an encyclopedia of world wines for nothing.
07:37That's very nice.
07:38Very good.
07:39This is a very good one, actually.
07:40It's one of the best I've ever tasted.
07:41What is it?
07:42Fucking...
07:43You're going to invite me to the wedding, presumably?
07:46What?
07:47Give me pardon?
07:48You two are getting married, I take it.
07:49Stupid.
07:50No, no, no.
07:51Obviously, I mean, a six-year friendship just goes out the window
07:53if you're going to start siding with some Grieco against me.
07:56I think maybe everything's not all right for my two lovers, eh?
07:59You can cut that out.
08:00Listen, stupid.
08:01No, you listen, mush.
08:03While you were marking time doing lingophone courses of the ancient world,
08:06I was out there pounding the streets of Tiverton learning a sun-in-crack.
08:10While you tanned your hairy arse on the new beaches of Crete or wherever it was,
08:15swilling turpentine and stuffing vinylings with a bunch of perverts,
08:19I was out there getting my master's degree in the university of hard knocks and tough surprises.
08:24Listen up.
08:25To you all, you fancy lover boy.
08:28What are you doing?
08:29What are you doing?
08:30How come doing your normal if you like, sir?
08:32Oh, forget it.
08:33I've had enough, Gordon.
08:34I'm going out for an honest British caban.
08:35Daphne du Maurier is a novelist and Gerald Kaufman is bald.
08:44Is that it?
08:45Now, Theresa, you are a...
08:47A costume designer.
08:48A costume designer, right, yes.
08:50And you've put together this magnificent costume for me to wear in the next sketch.
08:54I suppose a lot of people must be very keen to know where you actually start from when designing a costume.
08:59Well, obviously, the first thing to do is to start from the script.
09:02Right, right.
09:03Yes, as a costume designer, we have to read the script to get a feel for what the writer's trying to do for the period
09:08and for whatever little details there are that will help the story.
09:11Right, to fit the character and so on.
09:13Oh, precisely.
09:14Yeah.
09:15I suppose you must have to be quite a historian, really, to know about the details of the period
09:19and how wide the lapels must have been and all that sort of thing.
09:21Oh, that's right, because obviously audiences are so quick to spot mistakes.
09:24Are they?
09:25Oh, yes.
09:26They'll write in about the tiniest detail if they think you haven't got it right.
09:29Really?
09:30I once had a letter from a lady.
09:31Well, that's incredible.
09:33Well, let's hope that nobody writes in about this next sketch.
09:37Fingers crossed.
09:38Fingers crossed, exactly.
09:39Theresa, thank you very much.
09:40Oh, my pleasure.
09:41Right.
09:42Well, here goes.
09:43Dear Mr Povey, thank you for your letter of the 14th.
09:46I'm enclosing your application here with, as the vacancy has already been filled.
09:50Sorry I'm late, Brian.
09:52The traffic was an absolute pig.
09:54Oh, that's all right.
09:55I was just catching up on some correspondence.
09:57Yeah, it's good to get it out of the way, isn't it?
09:58Exactly.
09:59Right, now, shall we crack on?
10:00Yeah, as I see it, there are a number of routes we can take.
10:02Yeah, care to listen for me?
10:03Sure.
10:04We can tackle the problem of restructuring distribution lag almost immediately.
10:10Can I just interrupt you here?
10:11Certainly, Peter.
10:12Thanks.
10:13Pleasure.
10:14The second option is a little more drastic, and that's to examine the initial premise of
10:19setting up distribution as a lateral department.
10:22Ah, now, well, you see, that may not be popular.
10:24Exactly.
10:25But then again, you and I didn't get into this business in order to be popular.
10:28I hoped you'd say that, Peter, and you haven't let me down on that score.
10:31Right.
10:32Oh, blast.
10:33What?
10:34Sorry, I've still got my watch on.
10:36Oh, no.
10:37Well, no, somebody would have noticed.
10:39You're right.
10:40Sorry.
10:41Daphne du Maurier wrote Rebecca, and Gerald Kaufman has extremely strong views on community
10:46policing.
10:47That must be it.
10:48Say 99.
10:49Say thank you.
10:51Say breasts.
10:52Breasts.
10:53Mmm.
10:54R.
10:55R.
10:56Good.
10:57Good.
10:58Yes, sir.
10:59Do you show it up now, Mr Pepperdine?
11:00Everything as it should be.
11:01I don't think there's anything to worry about there.
11:02Now, you say you've had a little difficulty breathing at nights.
11:04Ah, yes, that's right, yeah.
11:05You've been bringing up anything else?
11:06You've been bringing up anything?
11:07No, sir.
11:08No, sir.
11:09No, sir.
11:10No, sir.
11:11No, sir.
11:12No, sir.
11:13No, sir.
11:14No, sir.
11:15No, sir.
11:16No, sir.
11:17No, sir.
11:18No, sir.
11:19Any sputum?
11:20No, not really.
11:21Any yellow or green in your phlegm?
11:24Blood?
11:25No.
11:26A bit of tightness in the chest?
11:27Yes, a little, yeah.
11:28Uh-huh.
11:29Headaches?
11:30Apart from the children, you mean?
11:31No, not really, no.
11:38Right.
11:39Well, I think I'm going to put you on a course of these.
11:41I don't know if you've ever had them before.
11:43One 20 times a day.
11:47What are they?
11:48Well, it's a simple arsenous minoxid nicotinol preparation taken bronchially as an infumation.
11:55An infumation?
11:56Yes.
11:57You light the end and breathe in.
11:58Oh, like cigarettes?
11:59Oh, you know them, then?
12:00Yes.
12:01A little hard for a doctor to admit, but they're basically a herbal remedy.
12:05Oh, herbal cigarettes?
12:06That's right, yes.
12:07That's right, yes.
12:08Um, the leaf originally comes from America, I believe.
12:10It's called tobacco.
12:12But medicated?
12:13Medicated?
12:14No.
12:15What, these are ordinary cigarettes?
12:16That's right.
12:17But they're terribly bad for you, aren't they?
12:19I hardly think I'd be prescribing them if they were bad for you, would I?
12:23What, 20 a day?
12:24That's right, ideally rising to 30 or 40 if they begin to be doing the trick.
12:28No, but these give you lung cancer and bronchitis and emphysema, don't they?
12:32No, it's gave you that idea.
12:34What?
12:35I thought everybody knew that.
12:36Are you a doctor?
12:37No, but it stands to reason, isn't it?
12:39Talking about stands to reason, I mean, you wouldn't know what a pair of lungs did if
12:43you hadn't been told, would you?
12:45It's taken mankind thousands of years to work out what a heart does, what blood vessels
12:49are for, what kidneys do.
12:50And now, just because you've read a few weedy magazine articles, you think we know more
12:53about the human body than I do?
12:55No, but it can't be natural, can it?
12:57It's a perfectly natural leaf.
12:58Yes, but setting fire to it and inhaling.
13:00Well, it's more natural than baked Alaska or nylon socks.
13:04Yeah, well, yes, but you don't inhale nylon socks.
13:07At least I don't.
13:09Bit of leaf smoke to loosen the lungs, clear the head, ease that tightness, perfectly sound.
13:15You'll be telling me that cholesterol isn't bad for you next.
13:18What's cholesterol?
13:20Well, you know.
13:21Yes, I know perfectly well, but I don't suppose you'd even heard of it until about five years
13:25ago, had you?
13:26Why without the stuff?
13:27Yes, but too much is bad for you.
13:28Well, of course too much is bad for you.
13:30Too much of anything is bad for you, you blithering twat.
13:33That's what too much means.
13:35Too much water would be bad for you.
13:37Obviously, too much is precisely that quantity which is excessive.
13:40That's what it means.
13:41Jesus!
13:42But I thought the...
13:44You thought you didn't think at all, did you?
13:48Cigarettes are healing, harmless and natural.
13:51Well, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion.
13:54That is your privilege.
13:55Right.
13:56My second opinion is that they're also cheap-staffed.
13:59Really?
14:00Yep.
14:01If you want a third opinion, I'll tell you that they're healing, soothing and sexy.
14:05Well, that seems to clinch it.
14:07Exactly.
14:08So, 20 a day rising to 30 or 40 as necessary.
14:10And the tightness in the chest?
14:11Should disappear completely.
14:13Right.
14:14Well, you're the doctor.
14:15Hmm?
14:16I said you're the doctor.
14:17What on earth gives you that idea?
14:20What, you did?
14:21You're pathetic, aren't you?
14:24I'm a tobacconist, isn't it obvious?
14:28Well...
14:29Well, no.
14:30Well, I do grant you it does look a little bit more like a doctor's surgery than a tobacconist.
14:33Why?
14:34Why?
14:35Because you're the kind of git that falls for that sort of thing.
14:37That's why.
14:38It's the same reason that cosmetic sales staff wear white coats.
14:41Because fools like you think that something with a Swiss name that calls itself a skin treatment
14:45is better for you than a tub of cold cream, which is all you're actually getting.
14:48You're a credulous git, Mr Pepperdine.
14:51A stethoscope in a plausible manner do not make a doctor.
14:54I'm a con man.
14:55And you are a moron.
14:58So you're not a doctor?
15:00Could be.
15:02What do you think?
15:03You really want to know?
15:04I'd be fascinated.
15:06Well, I think you've taken a reasonably interesting idea and you've basically just completely overworked it.
15:11I think what started out as quite an interesting statement on our susceptibility to received ideas
15:16has just turned into a rambling, vague, ill-thought-out piece of drivel, frankly.
15:21And I think you want to end it now.
15:22Oh, really?
15:23Yeah.
15:24Well, I think that shows you've just completely misunder...
15:28No, I can't read that.
15:29I'm a Methodist.
15:32Oh, out loud?
15:33Oh, sorry.
15:35It's not.
15:39Who wrote this?
15:44I can't read that.
15:45There's nothing there.
15:47Oh.
15:49What do you put it in the back?
15:51I can't read.
15:53You know, some of the funniest things that ever happen here in TV never actually make it to our screens.
15:58I'm talking about the outtakes or mistakes that we here in television land get so embarrassed about.
16:06Here's one of my all-time favorites.
16:08It's a great blooper.
16:10And it was recorded for an edition of Open University way back in 1973.
16:15As we can see that, if we increase the non-reflexive integers in the equation by a quantity denoted by D5, the parallel quantities D3 and D7 are inverted in the same direction, giving us a resultant modular quantity of 0.567359.
16:35Now, this should begin to give us some clues as to whether-
16:38I'm sorry.
16:39Brian, I'm sorry.
16:41What?
16:42What's happened?
16:44He said, he said 0.567359.
16:49Oh, no, I didn't.
16:51It should be 0.567395.
16:54I don't believe it!
16:56Oh, no!
16:58Oh, f***ing hell!
17:02Oh!
17:03Oh!
17:04Oh, true Christ!
17:05The f*** Disgusting!
17:06THE F***.
17:07SPiedzin!
17:08Oh!
17:09Oh!
17:10Oh!
17:11Oh!
17:12Oh!
17:13Oh!
17:14Oh!
17:15Oh!
17:17Oh, thank God!
17:18How you were 5th.
17:19567359!
17:22Oh dear.
17:23Victor.
17:25I killed her because she said she was going to marry Noel Edmonds.
17:29I don't know if she'd really been too much a model daughter.
17:34Oh, every time. Every time.
17:37The judge was very sympathetic, thank goodness.
17:49Oh, hello, Murchison.
17:50Oh, Control, you gave me quite a fright there.
17:53I nearly spilt your coffee.
17:54Oh, that's all right. I can easily mop up that quite small drop just here.
17:58And anyway, it was very kind of you to bring me in any coffee at all.
18:02Not at all.
18:04I was coming in anyway and I thought, why not bring Control a cup?
18:08It's 11 o'clock. I expect he'd welcome some coffee.
18:11Greatly appreciated.
18:13I spoke to Valerie and she said you like a little bit of milk, not too much, and no sugar.
18:19I hope that's right.
18:20That's exactly how I like my coffee.
18:24I suppose I'd better tell you why I came in.
18:26Yes, did you have something you wish to say to me or perhaps you'd like to ask me a question?
18:33Sort of a mixture of both, really, Control.
18:36Do you remember how some time ago we decided to put a tail on that new cultural attache at the Russian embassy?
18:42Yes, I remember it very well.
18:44We thought he might be a spy working for the KGB.
18:47So, I said, why not follow him around a bit and see if he does anything that might look suspicious?
18:54That's right.
18:56We gave him the code name, Big Bad Wolf.
18:59And you said it would be a good idea if we put Philip and his F Division in charge of the surveillance.
19:04That's right.
19:06Operation Coat Hanger, we called it, if memory serves.
19:09You were sitting over there.
19:11It was quite a rainy day.
19:12And Philip was standing by the desk.
19:16Yes.
19:17Although, if you remember, it was before you moved your desk round this way.
19:22So, Philip would have been over there.
19:25Oh, yes.
19:28I must say, I much prefer it like this.
19:30I don't think I'll go back.
19:31I can see all the door and I've got quite a nice view over St Giles' Circus.
19:35That must be nice.
19:39Anyway, I'm afraid it looks as if Big Bad Wolf probably is a spy after all.
19:44Oh, dear.
19:45Just as well we took the trouble to check up,
19:47it does show that it's always worth chasing things up thoroughly.
19:52Has he been meeting known KGB agents, then?
19:55Yes, I'm afraid he has, as you can see for yourself.
20:05I must say, I like this folder.
20:14Didn't the old ones used to be buff-coloured?
20:17That's right.
20:18It was Valerie's idea to change over to the new blue ones.
20:22She thought it might cheer the place up a bit.
20:25Very nice, too.
20:27Ah.
20:28Big Bad Wolf has a meeting with Colonel Andreef in John Lewis's.
20:32Do you think Philip took this surveillance photograph himself?
20:36It does look like Philip's handiwork, doesn't it?
20:39Hmm.
20:40I can't see which department they're in.
20:43Well, I do hope Big Bad Wolf hasn't been stealing any of our secrets
20:46or trying to persuade any of our agents to defect to the East.
20:50That would be pretty galling, wouldn't it?
20:53I tell you what, you'd better leave this with me, Murchison.
20:56Are you going to tell the Minister?
20:57I shall have to do that, yes.
20:59Meanwhile, Philip had better keep up his surveillance.
21:01Would you like me to tell him to do that?
21:03I shall be seeing him later on today.
21:05Would you?
21:06That would certainly save me the trouble.
21:08No problem.
21:10Right.
21:10Well, thank you.
21:11You're welcome.
21:13Anyway, I'd better get back to my office now.
21:15The Prague desk is in a bit of a flap.
21:19Uh-oh.
21:20I won't keep you, then.
21:22I'll let you know if anything else crops up.
21:25Thanks, Tony.
21:26Oh, and thank you again for the coffee.
21:28It tasted very nice.
21:29An absolute pleasure.
21:33Bye-bye, Control.
21:34Bye-bye, Murchison.
21:37Well, I just told him to stuff it.
21:40But he said that had been dead too long.
21:43Douglas Heard.
21:44Oh, that's a tricky one.
21:45Um, cauliflower?
21:47Look, just turn the handle.
21:59Look, look, turn the handle.
22:01What's the matter with you?
22:02Nothing.
22:03Look, why can't you just...
22:04Look, I didn't carry this thing all the way from the bloody car park.
22:07Just a turner handle and walk in.
22:09Well, I'm going through.
22:10It's all right with you.
22:11Well, you do what you want.
22:12I'm going to knock this bloody door down.
22:14Well, close it.
22:15Close it.
22:16What do you want?
22:18Mrs Catherine Povey.
22:20Yes?
22:20Oh, who are you?
22:22Sorry to disturb you, madam.
22:23We're making some risky door-to-door inquiries in the neighbourhood.
22:27And, uh, we wondered if we might come in.
22:30Finished.
22:31Well, why didn't you ring the bell?
22:33You see, I knew this was going to happen.
22:35I didn't ring the bell, then.
22:37Oh, um, we thought you were out.
22:39No, no, no.
22:40Oh, is that not right?
22:42Um, we didn't want to disturb you.
22:44No, no.
22:44No?
22:45Um, if we'd rang the bell, there would have been no point in my having carried this sledgehammer
22:49all the way from the car park.
22:50I see.
22:52Yep, I think we might have got away with that one.
22:54Good.
22:55Now then, Mrs Povey, if you'd just like to sit down.
23:00I like them.
23:00They're good, aren't they?
23:03I'd better turn the volume down.
23:04Yeah, all right.
23:05Yeah.
23:05Yeah, he's crazy, don't we?
23:07Oh, he's crazy.
23:08Right, Mrs Povey, uh, your husband, is he at home?
23:12What?
23:12Your husband, is he at home at the current time?
23:14I haven't got a husband.
23:16No husband.
23:17I see.
23:18Well, when do you expect him back?
23:19What?
23:20No, no, that is the wrong question.
23:22What, is that wrong?
23:23Yeah.
23:23It's all right?
23:23Yeah.
23:24Now.
23:25Well, when do you expect her back?
23:27Mrs Povey, um, computer trace currently indicates that you are the holder of one husband.
23:32Well, I'm not.
23:33I see.
23:34Well, I'll have my colleagues duly amend the record accordingly.
23:37Now then, Mrs Povey.
23:38Yes?
23:38Your husband's been a bit busy lately, hasn't he?
23:41Oh.
23:41He's been giving us the right run around.
23:43He's a scumbag.
23:44That's what he is.
23:45He's a great big bag of scum.
23:49Scumming around in a big bag.
23:51That's what he is.
23:52He always has been and he always will be.
23:54I haven't got a husband.
23:55I'm not married.
23:56You can take the scum out of the bag, but you can't take the bag out of the scum.
24:01Yeah.
24:01Boiling the bag scum.
24:02That's what it is.
24:03Yeah.
24:04My colleague may be putting it a little bit more forthrightly than I would myself, Mrs Povey,
24:08but then I like to think that's why we work so well together, you see.
24:10We complement each other.
24:12Really?
24:13Yes.
24:13What's this?
24:14You're looking very smart today.
24:15Oh, thank you.
24:15That's a very nice haircut.
24:17You see?
24:17Teamwork.
24:19Now then, Mrs Povey, this husband of yours...
24:21Oh, for heaven's sake!
24:22How many times do I have to tell you I haven't got an husband?
24:25Well?
24:2625.
24:28Excuse me, just for a moment.
24:30What?
24:31She's got to tell us 25 times that she hasn't got a husband.
24:34What?
24:36Once for every day in the week.
24:38No.
24:39Well, doesn't that...
24:40No, no.
24:40All right, then.
24:41Once for every year he's going to spend inside, the scumbag!
24:44Look, I don't know who you are or why you want to speak to a husband I haven't got,
24:48but I'm telling you!
24:50Oh, I'm sure you...
24:51Mrs Povey, we don't want to speak to him.
24:54Oh, don't you?
24:55No.
24:55Oh, no, no, no, no.
24:56Well, speak to him, no!
24:58I think perhaps you've been watching a little bit too much television, Mrs Povey.
25:01Well, whatever.
25:02The point is I haven't got a husband.
25:04And therefore, do you think it's possible that you could have come to the wrong house?
25:08No.
25:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:13No.
25:13No.
25:14We've already been there.
25:15Where?
25:15The wrong house.
25:16We've just come from the wrong house.
25:17That's right.
25:18My colleague says he's substantially correct, Mrs Povey.
25:21He's just come from the wrong house, so your argument doesn't really stand up.
25:24No, that argument just falls straight over.
25:26Yeah, just lies there.
25:27Yeah.
25:28Now, well, since you claim to be alone in the house, Mrs Povey, I'm sure you won't mind if
25:31we have a quick look around.
25:32How quick?
25:33Oh, very quick, very quick, I assure you.
25:35Well, help yourself.
25:39That didn't hurt, did it?
25:40Oh, well, it did, actually.
25:42Just whatever you do, don't wake up my son.
25:45Oh, oh.
25:46I beg your pardon?
25:47Oh, so do I.
25:48Yes, I beg it as well.
25:49Oh, my son is asleep upstairs, and I'd rather you didn't wake him.
25:53Now, just a moment, Mrs Povey.
25:55Just one moment.
25:56Whoa, there, boy.
25:57Whoa.
25:59Your son?
26:01But you told us he didn't have an husband.
26:03Well, I haven't.
26:05Mrs Povey.
26:06Ah!
26:06Mrs Povey.
26:07Ah!
26:07Mrs Povey.
26:08Ah!
26:08Mrs Povey.
26:09Ah!
26:09Mrs Povey.
26:10Ah!
26:11Mrs Povey.
26:11Mrs Povey.
26:12We may be stupid, but we're not clever.
26:14How can you have a son if you haven't got a husband?
26:18That sounds rather miraculous to me.
26:21He was a sailor.
26:22I see.
26:22In the Navy, was he?
26:23No, the Nat West.
26:26Yeah.
26:27We'll leave that for the moment.
26:28Maybe some of you.
26:29Now, this, uh, this putative son of yours.
26:32Now, you say that he...
26:34You say that, uh, he's upstairs?
26:44Yes, he's asleep.
26:45Well, tired, is he?
26:47I'm not surprised he's tired after the merry dance he's been leading us.
26:50Yeah, very merry dance he's led us.
26:52Yeah, right, gay gavotte.
26:53Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:54I'm so merry.
26:55I think gaff is all the same with you, Mrs Povey.
26:58You'd better ask this son of yours to come downstairs and answer a few questions.
27:01Only if you promise to leave as soon as you've finished.
27:04I assure you, Mrs Povey, we shall leave just as soon as we've finished being here.
27:11Oh, a charming, super delightful woman.
27:13Yes.
27:14And rather a fabulous taste in decor.
27:16Oh, I agree.
27:17I agree entirely, yes.
27:18Mm, furnishing and fitments are very A-one.
27:20Exactly.
27:20What do you see?
27:20Look at, I mean, look at these sofa coverings.
27:22They're lovely, aren't they?
27:22Are they durable?
27:23Yeah, probably washable, shouldn't they be surprised?
27:25Yeah, just bung it in the machine.
27:26Yeah, yeah.
27:26Well, I'll take them off the sofa first.
27:28Do you know what I'll make that clear?
27:29Yes, take them off the sofa, yeah.
27:31Unless, of course, you've got a very big machine.
27:33Yeah, yeah.
27:34Or a very small sofa.
27:35Oh, yeah.
27:36She's taken it very well.
27:38Well, this is it, you see.
27:39Too well?
27:40Well, I didn't want to mention it, but yeah, maybe she's taken it too well, yeah.
27:44Yeah.
27:44Well, you've been a bit of a naughty boy, William, haven't you?
27:58Ask him what he's done with the stuff.
28:00Here, what are you doing with the stuff?
28:05Scumbag!
28:06What are you doing with the stuff that I'm doing with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done with the stuff that I've done
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