- 19/06/2025
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00:00I'll be right back
00:30Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:50Now, good evening.
00:54Good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:57Good, to some extent, evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:59And welcome to tonight's programme.
01:02As some of you are probably aware,
01:05the political and sexual climate in this country
01:08has led to many large institutions, like the BBC,
01:12being forced to look elsewhere for their funding.
01:15Funding.
01:17And we are particularly excited here to be able to say
01:21that this show comes to you in association with Tideman's Carpets.
01:25Tideman's Carpets resist stains and repel spills.
01:31We regard it as a major step forward in the history of business sponsorship of the arts.
01:35Only Tideman's can do this.
01:37But we don't want you to run away thinking that in any way
01:41our editorial independence has been compromised here
01:44at a bit of Fry and Tideman's Carpets.
01:49Bet you can't eat three.
01:52So, without any further ado,
01:54here is the first item in tonight's programme,
01:57and it's called, quite simply,
01:58The Spillage That Wasn't.
02:07Shut the door, Rupert's old scout.
02:09Right, Obeder.
02:10Fancy a quick hundred up?
02:12Oh, absolutely, Governor.
02:14The ladies won't miss us for half an hour, right?
02:16Rather not.
02:17I'll break off.
02:23Nice, uh, nice girl, this, uh, this Helena.
02:27Oh, damn hell and custard.
02:30Yes, she's a ripper, Father, an absolute ripper.
02:33Yes, yes.
02:34Good, um, good set of breasts to her.
02:37All the best.
02:39Fine, curving arse.
02:41Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she?
02:43The, uh, the thing is, Rufus, old scout,
02:49um, you getting married and so on,
02:52I thought it was time we raised this whole subject to women.
02:55Oh, blimey.
02:56Are you, uh, expecting to have children?
03:00Oh, I should say so better, yes.
03:02Hmm, hmm, hmm.
03:04Now, I haven't raised this subject with you before, Rufus,
03:07but, um, have you ever wondered how you came to be born?
03:14Uh, well, I just sort of assumed, Peter,
03:17you know, that one day you put your penis inside Mama's vagina
03:20and inseminated her ovaries.
03:24Yes.
03:26Yes, that, um, that is what we told you, isn't it?
03:30Um, the thing is, Miltis,
03:32it's actually a spot more complicated than that.
03:36Complicated?
03:36Hmm.
03:37Yes, I'm afraid all that stuff about penises
03:40was just a lot of old pretend-y.
03:43So, uh, so what exactly?
03:46Well, uh, it's not easy, this, you know.
03:49Well, have a stab at it, Peter.
03:51Hmm.
03:52Um, I know.
03:55Stroke the table.
03:57Stroke the table?
03:57Stroke the table.
03:58Is this strictly relevant, Peter?
04:02Come on, man.
04:03What does it remind you of?
04:05Billion table.
04:06Eh?
04:08Well, nothing.
04:09Unless you mean...
04:10Go on!
04:11Well, of course.
04:12The lush, velvety texture of a tidyman's carpet.
04:16Good man!
04:17I knew you could get that in the end.
04:19Peter, how does having a tidyman's carpet
04:22help you to have children?
04:24Are you completely stupid?
04:27Yes.
04:27If you haven't got a tidyman's carpet,
04:32you can't do any kissing,
04:33and kissing makes babies.
04:36But, Peter, I still don't understand.
04:38How does a tidyman's carpet
04:40help you to snog?
04:41Think, you jillock!
04:44Of course!
04:46Sucking a tidyman's carpet
04:47removes the stale, unpleasant mouth odours
04:49that stop others from Frenching you.
04:52Quite right!
04:53I don't need one, eh, Peter?
04:57Now, wrap your laughing gear around this,
05:00and then wrap it around Helena.
05:03Just you try and stop me, Peter!
05:09Ah, that's my boy.
05:13Well, I was born Mary Patterson,
05:15but then I married,
05:16and naturally I took my husband's name,
05:18so now I'm Neil Patterson.
05:20I said, well, if God loves me,
05:21he's got a funny way of showing, hasn't he?
05:23That's shut him up, Pope or no Pope.
05:26Now, it may not be a very popular
05:29or fashionable view,
05:31but I do believe that everyone
05:32should be forced to wear flared trousers.
05:37Hello, Control.
05:38I was just wondering...
05:42Oh.
05:42Hello, this is the Secret Service.
05:59No, I'm afraid Control's not in at the moment.
06:01Who is this, please?
06:03Ah, hello, Mrs Control.
06:06No, I don't know where he is.
06:08Yes, it's very strange.
06:09I just popped in to ask him if he'd like a cup of coffee,
06:11because it's nearly 11 o'clock,
06:13and there's no one here.
06:15I agree with you, Mrs Control,
06:17that he'll probably turn up.
06:19Bye.
06:23Hello, Tony.
06:24Ah, Control.
06:25I was just beginning to worry.
06:27Oh?
06:28Yes, Mrs Control has just been on the telephone.
06:31And between me and Mrs Control,
06:33neither of us seem to know where you were.
06:35Well, let me explain, Tony.
06:38But before I do that,
06:40let me ask you
06:40if you notice anything unusual about the office.
06:44The window.
06:46Of course,
06:46the window always used to be
06:48slightly further to the left.
06:51Not quite, Tony.
06:53Oh, it was a bit of a guess, actually.
06:55I do remember
06:57that we did talk about moving the window,
07:00but if you recall,
07:01I asked you to make a feasibility study
07:03into the whole thing,
07:05but I then had to make
07:06the rather difficult decision
07:07that that particular game
07:08just wasn't worth the candle.
07:11What's actually different about the window, Tony,
07:13is that it's open.
07:15So it is, Control.
07:16Is this in some way connected
07:18to your not having been in the office earlier on?
07:20Yes.
07:21You see,
07:22I fell out of the window.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:24Gosh, Control,
07:28I can only say how sorry I am
07:29and ask whether you were hurt in any way.
07:32To my surprise, Tony,
07:33I was not hurt in any way at all.
07:35Well, that is something of a blessing.
07:38Yes, that's right.
07:39Because one of the other things
07:40about being Control,
07:41I've always thought,
07:41is that your office is on the sixth floor.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:44So that in the event
07:45of something like this happening,
07:46you have got slightly further to fall
07:48than if you were in the records department
07:50who are located on the first floor of this building.
07:52Very similar thoughts
07:54were going through my mind, Tony,
07:56as I travelled towards the pavement
07:58with gathering speed.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00But Control,
08:02how did this whole sorry business come about?
08:05Well, Tony,
08:06I've got a confession to make.
08:08You see,
08:09one of the things I like to do
08:10before you very kindly
08:12bring me my morning coffee
08:13is to feed the pigeons
08:15who perch on the windowsill.
08:17Control,
08:17I can't say
08:18I'm altogether surprised
08:19there had been some rumours
08:20in the canteen to that effect.
08:22Well,
08:23I'm glad to be able
08:24to silence those wagging tongues
08:26once and for all.
08:27I do feed the pigeons.
08:29And it was while doing so this morning
08:31that I fell out of the window.
08:34Control,
08:34I think I can picture the scene.
08:37Here you were at the window,
08:39so engrossed in what you were doing
08:41that you neglected
08:42not to fall out of it.
08:44Am I pretty near the mark?
08:46Spot on, Tony.
08:47Well,
08:48I'll tell you another thing,
08:49Control,
08:49that's resulted from this adventure.
08:52It's past 11 o'clock
08:53and you've not had your coffee.
08:55Oh,
08:56it never rains,
08:57but it pours,
08:58eh, Tony?
08:59Yes, Control,
09:00but quite often
09:01it rains and pours
09:03at the same time.
09:05Mmm.
09:07Tell you what,
09:07Tony,
09:08on your way
09:10to the coffee-making area,
09:11perhaps you could ask Valerie
09:13kindly to pop outside
09:15and apologise
09:16to an old lady
09:17who was selling flowers
09:18outside the main entrance.
09:20I'll certainly do that, Control.
09:22Did she happen to be
09:22the unlucky one
09:23who broke your fall?
09:25No,
09:26she was fortunate
09:26in that respect, Tony,
09:27but she might be
09:28a little bit upset
09:29that my fall
09:30was broken
09:31by her small grandson.
09:34Well,
09:35fair enough, Control.
09:36I expect that in that case
09:37she'd welcome
09:38a cup of coffee too.
09:39Good thinking,
09:40Tony.
09:41Oh,
09:42now come on, Simon.
09:44You've caused
09:45enough trouble today.
09:46You're not getting
09:47a single seed.
09:49Oh,
09:50all right then.
09:52There you are.
09:56Boo.
09:58You see,
09:59you've got an aura
10:00around you.
10:01We all,
10:01we all of us,
10:02we all have auras
10:03around us
10:03and I can tell
10:04from your aura
10:05that you're wearing shoes.
10:07Am I right?
10:08Now,
10:09it's our firm belief
10:10here on a bit
10:12of Fry and Laurie
10:13married to a passionate
10:15girl from Stockton
10:16on Tees
10:17that there is
10:18a right way
10:18and a wrong way
10:20to do everything.
10:22So now I
10:23and my partner
10:24in crime,
10:25Hugh Laurie,
10:25I call him
10:28my partner in crime
10:29but we don't actually
10:29commit crimes together
10:30of any kind.
10:33That's just,
10:34that's just a ghastly
10:36and unacceptable phrase
10:37I like to use.
10:38So I,
10:39and my,
10:40as I say,
10:40partner in crime
10:42would now
10:45like to show you
10:46the right way
10:47and the wrong way
10:48to deal with
10:49a couple of young children
10:50who've come round
10:51on Halloween
10:52a trick or treating.
10:54All we've got to do now
10:55is wait for the doorbell
10:57to ring.
10:57Right.
10:59Uh,
11:00nice carpet,
11:01you,
11:02Tidemans?
11:02Well,
11:04who else
11:05if you'll
11:05pardon the pun?
11:06what pun?
11:12There wasn't
11:12there one?
11:12I'm sorry.
11:15Ah.
11:15Ah.
11:19Trick or treat,
11:19mister?
11:20Oh,
11:21trick or treat.
11:23Oh,
11:23trick or treat.
11:24So this evening,
11:25did we prepare
11:26a bag of jelly beans
11:28out back?
11:29We most certainly did.
11:30I'll go fetch them.
11:34So,
11:34young
11:35shaver-snapper,
11:36do you like football,
11:37do you?
11:37Yeah.
11:38Yeah?
11:38Do you fancy Arsenal
11:39this year?
11:39No way.
11:41I quite fancy
11:41my sister,
11:42though.
11:46Ah,
11:46here we are,
11:47then.
11:48There you go,
11:49enjoy those.
11:50Catch you guys
11:51later.
11:51All right.
11:52Bye-bye.
11:53Bye-bye.
11:55That was,
11:56of course,
11:56ladies and gentlemen,
11:58the wrong way.
11:59The wrong way.
11:59Wrong way.
12:00Wrong way.
12:01Wrong way.
12:02We're now going to
12:03show you the right way.
12:05Trick or treat,
12:06mister.
12:07What?
12:08What?
12:08What did you say?
12:10Trick or treat.
12:10Trick or treat.
12:13Get here.
12:14Get here now.
12:15This is England,
12:16not America.
12:16What are you talking about?
12:17This is not America.
12:21We call it
12:22the Tidyman's Test,
12:24because only Tidyman's
12:25carpets have the
12:26absorbency
12:27and luxurious
12:28shagpile bounce,
12:30the concussion
12:30of fall from
12:31even the highest
12:32of buildings.
12:32so if those
12:43two children
12:44had landed
12:4415 feet further
12:46to the right,
12:47lives would have been
12:48saved.
12:49Isn't it time
12:49you started thinking
12:50about a Tidyman's
12:51in your life
12:51the deep shag
12:53that really
12:54satisfies?
12:54play it again,
13:12Sam.
13:12play it again,
13:14Sam.
13:18That's brilliant,
13:19thank you.
13:21Play it again,
13:22Sam.
13:23Yes.
13:24I used to play
13:26the piano,
13:27but I gave it up.
13:28Really?
13:29Yeah,
13:29because you have
13:30to practice a lot,
13:31don't you?
13:32That's quite right.
13:32Yeah,
13:33it's all the practicing,
13:34I couldn't take that.
13:35Really?
13:35Yeah,
13:35I'll tell you what,
13:37do you know that,
13:39what's that song,
13:41Strangers in the Night?
13:42Do you know that one?
13:43Strangers in the Night?
13:44Yes.
13:44Oh,
13:45go on,
13:45play that one.
13:46Strangers in the Night,
13:48it's brilliant.
13:49Go on.
13:51Oh,
13:51nice,
13:52yes.
13:52There's some
13:54enchanted evening,
13:56you.
13:59That's actually
13:59a different song.
14:01What is?
14:02Some Enchanted Evening
14:03comes from a song
14:04called
14:05Some Enchanted Evening.
14:07Does it?
14:08Yes,
14:08it does.
14:11Strangers in the Night.
14:14Yeah,
14:15which one do you want?
14:16No,
14:16Strangers in the Night,
14:17go on,
14:17go off you go.
14:20Strangers in the Night,
14:22what are the words
14:24to it?
14:26Exchangings.
14:26Exchangings.
14:27Exchangings.
14:27Exchangings.
14:27All right,
14:28off you go.
14:28Go on.
14:29Stay in the Night,
14:30exchanging.
14:31That's too high.
14:32Do it down there.
14:34Do it down there.
14:35Strange.
14:36That's it,
14:37yeah.
14:37Go on.
14:37Strangers in the Night,
14:40exchanging.
14:41Oh,
14:42I'll tell you what,
14:42what's the other one?
14:43Um,
14:44it goes,
14:45uh,
14:46la-dee-dee-da,
14:47dee-dee-da,
14:48my pretty one.
14:49I don't think I know that one.
14:51Oh,
14:51no,
14:52you must know that one.
14:52Everyone knows that one.
14:54I'll sing it for you.
14:55You pick,
14:55follow along on me.
14:57All right.
14:57La-dee-dee-da,
14:58go on,
14:59la,
14:59yes,
14:59that's it,
15:00la-dee-dee-da,
15:01my pretty one.
15:04Oh,
15:04it's brilliant,
15:05that one.
15:05Who wrote that one?
15:06Uh,
15:07you did,
15:07I think.
15:07I'll tell you what,
15:10look,
15:10you shift up,
15:11you shift up,
15:11and I'll play,
15:12because I'll do,
15:12oh,
15:12no,
15:14I'll tell you what,
15:15I'll tell you,
15:15I'll play you this one,
15:16because this is absolutely
15:17my favourite one.
15:18Do you know this one?
15:19He goes,
15:19oh,
15:19all right.
15:28It's a back home,
15:29that is.
15:30Is it?
15:30Is it really?
15:31Always makes me very sad.
15:34Yes,
15:34I could weep.
15:37Berlin in 1924 was a shattered and divided city,
15:56no city for lovers.
15:59If Clarissa and I had known how brief our moments together were to be,
16:03perhaps we would have spent the time in the pension in Friedrichstrasse with
16:07more care,
16:08but lovers are traditionally careless of time.
16:12And what a brief...
16:13Tell you what,
16:13tell you what,
16:14do you know this one?
16:22Oh,
16:22no,
16:23I absolutely,
16:23absolutely swear by these things.
16:26Um,
16:26okay,
16:26you ask me anything.
16:27Uh,
16:28you ask me the time of day in Adelaide,
16:30um,
16:30anything,
16:31tell you what,
16:31I'll tell you what I'm doing on the 3rd of August,
16:361997.
16:38There,
16:38you see,
16:39nothing.
16:46What?
16:46What?
16:47You must forgive the rough methods of my colleagues.
16:57They are barbarians.
16:59Barbarians.
17:00They have no, uh,
17:01finesse,
17:02it grieves me to say.
17:03Where the hell am I?
17:06You're fond of Matisse,
17:07Major?
17:08Hmm,
17:09such,
17:10such bold strokes of the brush,
17:11such,
17:12uh,
17:12masterly control.
17:14Ah,
17:15what were you doing,
17:16so fine,
17:17part of your own lines?
17:17What was,
17:18uh,
17:18the purpose of your obligation?
17:21Donaldson,
17:22Eric,
17:23Major,
17:24serial number
17:2564003.
17:27Oh,
17:27come,
17:28come,
17:28Major,
17:29you can do so much better than that,
17:30you know,
17:31really,
17:31so much better.
17:32That's all you're getting out of me.
17:35Such a pity that our two nations are at war.
17:38We have so much in common,
17:39you know.
17:40Tell me,
17:41please,
17:41when is planned
17:42the invasion of France?
17:44Do you think I know that?
17:46And do you think if I did know,
17:47then I would tell you?
17:50Oh,
17:51my God.
17:54What is the matter,
17:54please?
17:55You,
17:56I,
17:56I can't believe it.
17:58You're not believing what,
17:59please?
18:00You,
18:00you're so,
18:01so beautiful.
18:07What are you saying?
18:08That it should happen here,
18:10and now,
18:11of all times,
18:12and all places.
18:13This is it.
18:14I,
18:14I just can't believe it.
18:16You're the most fantastic,
18:18and,
18:18and,
18:19and attractive creature,
18:20I've ever laid eyes upon.
18:21Now,
18:21now,
18:22now,
18:22now,
18:22no,
18:22don't,
18:23don't play games with me,
18:25Major.
18:25Games?
18:27Kate,
18:27this is no game.
18:28This is the realest thing
18:29that's,
18:30that's ever happened to me.
18:31Where have you been all my life,
18:33you gorgeous darling?
18:34Oh,
18:35sit down,
18:36Major.
18:37Oh,
18:37your eyes,
18:38they,
18:38they light up when you're angry.
18:40Did you know that?
18:40Now,
18:41look,
18:42there's so much time to make up for.
18:44I don't know anything about you.
18:45I don't know your name.
18:46You're,
18:46oh,
18:46Houtsturmführer Friedrich von Stanz.
18:51Friedrich.
18:52Yes,
18:52I like that,
18:53Friedrich.
18:53Major,
18:54have you taken leave of your senses?
18:56Yes,
18:56yes,
18:57I have.
18:57For the first time in my life,
18:59I,
18:59I've taken leave of my senses,
19:01and I love it.
19:02Oh,
19:03did anyone ever tell you,
19:04you have the,
19:04the sweetest,
19:06silliest little nose,
19:07and the,
19:07and the biggest,
19:08bluest eyes?
19:10Now,
19:10I am going to give you one last warning,
19:13Major Donaldson.
19:15Get that.
19:16Arse.
19:19Friedrich,
19:20Friedrich,
19:21that has got to be the cutest little bum ever.
19:25No,
19:25no,
19:26no,
19:26listen,
19:26enough,
19:27Major,
19:28enough,
19:28maybe,
19:28ah,
19:29yes,
19:29maybe you are playing on me with some of your,
19:31your,
19:31uh,
19:31English senses of humour,
19:33but you know.
19:34Oh,
19:34that accent,
19:35it's so dreamy,
19:37but bathe in it.
19:38Kiss me,
19:39Friedrichins,
19:39kiss me now.
19:40Where are these plans,
19:41the invasion?
19:42Oh,
19:42who cares about a stupid little invasion?
19:45I do.
19:46Oh,
19:46right then.
19:486th of June,
19:50Normandy.
19:51But that doesn't matter.
19:52What matters is that we've found each other.
19:566th of June,
19:57Normandy.
19:58Yes.
19:59Now,
20:00honey,
20:01don't you think that deserves a kiss?
20:03Well,
20:04maybe just a little one.
20:08Well,
20:09I must have left the iron on them.
20:11Cheers,
20:13Keith,
20:13thanks for your time.
20:15Damn it.
20:16What?
20:17It's pretty much as we feared,
20:18John.
20:19Yeah?
20:20Only a whole heap worse.
20:22Suppose you start from the beginning.
20:24Not much to say.
20:26It seems that...
20:27It seems that 20 minutes ago,
20:33our time,
20:34Derwent Enterprises went into liquidation.
20:37What?
20:38Keith called a couple of hours ago from Helsinki.
20:41But that was Keith just now,
20:42surely?
20:43Yeah,
20:43just now,
20:44our time.
20:44But he called a couple of hours ago of his time.
20:47And he called to say that Derwent had gone under.
20:49That's right.
20:50Damn.
20:51Damn it to damnation.
20:53Damn,
20:53double damn,
20:54and an extra slice of double damn.
20:57Who else knows this?
20:58Well,
20:58it's going to be all around town before you can say,
21:00hell,
21:01triple blast,
21:02and damn it to Hades twice.
21:04Hell,
21:05triple blast,
21:05and damn it to Hades.
21:07Yep.
21:09Derek knows.
21:12Christ,
21:12if they pull on their options,
21:13it doesn't bear thinking about this.
21:15Whole health club could go belly up.
21:18Right.
21:18I want to know who's behind them.
21:21I want to know who's pulling the strings.
21:24I want to know what in hell's name is going on.
21:27Damn it,
21:28John,
21:28I do believe you're scared.
21:30You're damn right I'm scared.
21:33I sense Marjorie's hand in this.
21:37Marjorie?
21:38I never told you this,
21:39Peter,
21:40but after Marjorie left me,
21:42I settled a block of shares on her and the boy.
21:46Shares in the health club?
21:48Well,
21:48what have you got down mine?
21:49In the club?
21:50No.
21:50Now,
21:51I knew I couldn't trust her there,
21:52but I gave her shares in D-Tech.
21:55And you think?
21:56Think?
21:56I don't think anything.
21:57There isn't time to think.
21:58There's only time to act.
22:01But is Marjorie really capable?
22:03What,
22:03a scrimshaw trick like this?
22:06Hell,
22:06Marjorie would float her own grandmother as a holding corporation
22:11and strip her bear of preference stock if she thought it would hurt me.
22:15Three pints of damn and a chaser of hell blast.
22:19What about the boy,
22:21John?
22:22The boy's Dennis,
22:23Peter.
22:23No,
22:26no,
22:26what about the boy,
22:27John?
22:28You leave the boy out of this,
22:29he's just a boy.
22:31You know,
22:31it's something I've always wondered,
22:32John.
22:33Yeah?
22:33How the boy
22:34ended up living with Marjorie after the divorce.
22:38The court ruled that I was violent and unstable,
22:41an unfit father.
22:44Well,
22:44that's a damn joke,
22:45John.
22:46If they could have seen how you've parented this company.
22:49Yeah,
22:49well,
22:50Marjorie told them a story about how one night I'd been working late,
22:53I came home,
22:54and I sensed in Marjorie's eyes and voice a sneering,
22:58a mocking,
22:58I don't know.
22:59I suppose I must have flipped.
23:01I emptied a bowl of trifle all over her.
23:05So,
23:05she got custody.
23:07Very.
23:12Well,
23:12it must have hurt,
23:13John.
23:13It must have hurt not being able to watch Dennis grow up.
23:16Hurt?
23:17No.
23:17No,
23:18the boy means nothing to me now.
23:20Oh,
23:20yeah,
23:20Tom?
23:21Oh,
23:21yeah?
23:22So,
23:22how come every year on his birthday you take him down to London to see Phantom of the Opera?
23:27I do that because I hate him.
23:31Fair enough.
23:32But I give Marjorie due warning this day.
23:35If she wants a fight,
23:36then by arse she's going to get one.
23:39And the prize,
23:40John?
23:41It's as big as they get,
23:42Peter.
23:42The entire leisure market in the Eutoxita catchment area goes to the whip.
23:47No strings attached.
23:49Why can't you leave me alone?
23:54John,
23:55what was it you once said to me about perspective?
23:58I seem to remember asking how it was spelt.
24:00No,
24:02after that.
24:04What are you trying to say to me,
24:07Peter?
24:08I'm saying,
24:09I'm saying,
24:11damn it,
24:11I'm here.
24:12Marjorie's,
24:13well,
24:14150 miles away,
24:15her time,
24:16and,
24:16well,
24:16if you and I,
24:17we can't fight this bastard son of a mongrel hellcat bitch,
24:21well,
24:21then we aren't the team who weathered the tidyman's crisis,
24:24and came up to smell your roses.
24:26That's what I'm saying.
24:27Damn it,
24:28Peter,
24:28you're right.
24:30Call Ipswich now,
24:32your time,
24:33and tell them that Derwent Enterprises,
24:36or no Derwent Enterprises,
24:38this health club is in business and stays in business.
24:43And if Marjorie should call,
24:44John?
24:45Marjorie,
24:46never heard of her.
24:48Damn it,
24:48John,
24:48I love it when you're flying.
24:50Right,
24:51Sarah,
24:51get in a pot of hot,
24:52strong coffee and a dozen memo pads.
24:56Right,
24:56let's get the hell out of here before they arrive.
24:59Damn!
25:00Damn!
25:03Oh,
25:03this is,
25:04this is one of them hidden camera things,
25:06is it?
25:08No?
25:09Oh,
25:09well,
25:09because I was going to say,
25:10it's not very well hidden,
25:11is it?
25:19Now,
25:20ladies and gentlemen,
25:21we're very excited,
25:23we're very excited,
25:23aren't we here?
25:24Yes.
25:24We're certainly tremendously excited.
25:27Should I tell them,
25:27or will you?
25:28I think you'd better tell them,
25:30because I don't know what you're going to say.
25:33Well,
25:33ladies and gentlemen,
25:35our final item this evening,
25:37our end sketch,
25:38has been stolen.
25:41Stolen?
25:41Mm,
25:42by Omar Sharif.
25:45Again!
25:45Yes.
25:46Well,
25:47I say stolen,
25:47I lost it to him in a game of backgammon,
25:49and even as we speak,
25:51he's using it as his end sketch
25:53in Monaco TV's Omar Sharif Comedy Hour.
25:55So that means we're going to have to improvise
26:00our end sketch this week.
26:01Ah,
26:01well,
26:01now you see,
26:02now I know why you were excited,
26:03because of course improvisation
26:05is very much the coming thing,
26:06isn't it?
26:06That's right,
26:07that's right,
26:07everybody's at it.
26:09Apparently,
26:10David Vine,
26:11the governor,
26:12even David Vine,
26:13improvises,
26:14has been for years.
26:15Mm-hmm.
26:16So does Mike Smith?
26:17That's right.
26:18Everything that the governor
26:19and Smitty say,
26:21just comes to them
26:22off the top of their brains.
26:24Frightening.
26:24Mm-hmm.
26:25Now,
26:26in order to prove to you
26:28that the sketch
26:29we're going to end this evening with
26:31is totally improvised,
26:32we're going to ask you,
26:34the audience,
26:35to give us,
26:36the us,
26:37some kind of first line
26:40on which we can build
26:42our improvised sketch.
26:43That's right,
26:43and to give you some idea
26:44of a suitable sort of thing
26:45for a first line,
26:46I'm going to show you
26:47some first lines
26:48from the
26:48A Bitter Fry and Laurie
26:49First Line Archive.
26:54Has Deborah Munnings
26:56arrived yet?
26:58Yes,
26:58I'd like to apply
26:59to become a homosexual,
27:00please.
27:12I didn't know
27:13you had spots.
27:14I haven't.
27:15Just great-looking hair.
27:16When somebody loves you,
27:26it's so good
27:27and thus they love you.
27:32Well,
27:33perhaps I can press you
27:34to a cream slice,
27:35as I once said
27:36to an actress.
27:39Has Deborah Munnings
27:40arrived yet?
27:42So,
27:42if any of you
27:43have any ideas
27:44for first lines
27:44for sketches
27:45that we can improvise,
27:46well,
27:46hit us now.
27:46Anybody?
27:47Hit us on the first line,
27:48some first line
27:49that we can weave
27:50some kind of magic
27:51around.
27:51First line.
27:52Yes?
27:53Do you sell grapefruit?
27:54Do you sell grapefruit?
27:55Do you sell grapefruit?
27:56Well,
27:57it's a...
27:58We can weave
27:58a pretty tantalising spell
27:59around that one.
28:00Yeah, Christchurch.
28:01Okay, we'll try it.
28:01Woo!
28:02All right.
28:03So,
28:03ladies and gentlemen,
28:04we now present
28:05our improvised sketch
28:05entitled
28:06Do You Sell Grapefruit?
28:07Yes,
28:07I'm hot for this.
28:08Hot, hot, hottie.
28:10Right,
28:10all right.
28:11Okay.
28:11Um...
28:13What?
28:15I'll be the grapefruit seller,
28:16you be the customer.
28:18Oh, right.
28:18Yes, okay.
28:19Right, let's go.
28:19Right.
28:21Wait a minute,
28:21what do I say?
28:24Make it up as you go along.
28:25Oh, I'll make it up
28:25as I go along.
28:26Yes, absolutely.
28:26Oh, I'm excited about this.
28:28Yes, right.
28:28Okay.
28:29Ching, ching.
28:31Do you sell any grapefruit?
28:33Yes.
28:41Right,
28:42I'll have three, please.
28:44They're 14 pence each.
28:47Here's 50p.
28:51Here's 8p change.
28:54And your grapefruits.
28:58Oh, we just made that one up.
28:59That's amazing.
29:00Oh, oh.
29:01Every word of it.
29:02I can't believe it.
29:06We're very excited now.
29:07Oh, dear, dear.
29:09Well,
29:10seeing as being as how we're on a roll,
29:12does anybody have any other
29:13first lines?
29:14Suggestions at all?
29:16You're wearing my hat.
29:17Oh, what's your one?
29:19Well, yes.
29:19Any others?
29:22Bugger off!
29:24Bugger off?
29:25Bugger off.
29:25Now,
29:27it's not really a line, is it?
29:28No, it's more of a sort of idea, really.
29:30It's quite a good idea, though, isn't it?
29:34Yeah.
29:35Yeah.
29:35Should we do it?
29:36Let's do it.
29:36We'll do it.
29:37Okay.
29:38Nice jacket.
29:39Timons?
29:39No, allies.
30:03Let's do it.
Recommended
29:19
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