- 2 days ago
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00:00Transcription by CastingWords
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01:54Try asking a hearing person to do that, and he won't even know there's cheese in the sandwich.
02:02So, she doesn't know what you sound like, does she?
02:07No.
02:08So, for all she knows, you could sound like a little 12-year-old boy, like that, couldn't you?
02:12Well, she knew the risks going into the marriage.
02:19What's wrong?
02:20Nothing.
02:22You're rocking.
02:24Got beads of sweat on your forehead.
02:26No, I haven't.
02:28Of course you haven't, no.
02:29Could you flatten them with your hand?
02:30Anyone could do that.
02:31I'm fine.
02:33Yeah.
02:34You have another one of your panic attacks.
02:37I didn't panic.
02:39I saw a bear outside the window.
02:46Anyone would have reacted the way I did.
02:50It's just that when we came into the pub, you were okay.
02:53So, what is it?
02:56Is it old Jeff here?
02:58And his amazing behind it wife that's freaking you out?
03:00No.
03:01Is it that little old lady, isn't it?
03:04No.
03:05Oh, oh, oh, oh.
03:08What's wrong with her?
03:11It's Miss Beppard.
03:13It's Miss Who, sorry?
03:14It's my headmistress.
03:15She's all right.
03:19Yeah.
03:20Well, she's not.
03:23She's evil.
03:25What did she do to you?
03:27Nothing.
03:28Nothing.
03:29All right, I'm fine.
03:30It was a long time ago.
03:32No, come on, come on.
03:34Tell me.
03:35I want to know.
03:36I care about you, Ange.
03:38Ange.
03:40Ange.
03:41I'm not telling you.
03:43All right.
03:44I've got to ask her myself.
03:47Don't go over to her.
03:50Well, then tell me what she did.
03:52Did she put her hand down your front?
03:53Oh, shut up.
03:54I'm not going to have to ask her then, am I?
03:56Don't.
04:01Don't.
04:04No.
04:05I am going home.
04:07And I'll see you later.
04:17You all right, Angela?
04:18Yeah.
04:19Oh.
04:22Hello, everyone.
04:2499, please, Jeff.
04:26What's in the bag, then?
04:29It's a mate witchy.
04:30Oh, I swore it off.
04:31Hmm.
04:31Set of owl scrotums.
04:33No.
04:34Pop it in a sleeping bag made out of a dry placenta.
04:37No, it's a body piercing kit.
04:39I was going to offer piercings down at the witchcraft centre,
04:41but you need to go on a course and get a licence.
04:43You giving it away?
04:44I suppose I'll have it.
04:45Yeah, I'll have it.
04:46Proper job.
04:46Oh, that's okay.
04:48We'll offer piercings in the shop.
04:50You need to go on a course to use it commercially,
04:53otherwise it is illegal.
04:54Yeah, yeah, course, yeah, yeah.
04:56What did she say, then?
05:06Oh, it was just something about...
05:07I have no idea.
05:11All right.
05:12Here, Jeff.
05:13What do you know about that little old bitty over there?
05:17Miss Pepard.
05:18Yeah.
05:19Staying upstairs for a few days.
05:21Yeah.
05:21Goes for walks.
05:23Smells of lavender.
05:24Yeah.
05:24Likes her bacon.
05:26Yeah.
05:26Drives a little Peugeot.
05:28Occasionally...
05:28Yeah, that's enough.
05:29So she doesn't strike you...
05:31...as evil.
05:37So did Miss Pepard tell you off, then, in front of the whole school?
05:40I don't want to talk about her.
05:42Did she use Big Johnny on you?
05:44That's what we call the strap in my school.
05:46Or the slipper.
05:47Little Johnny.
05:49Come on.
05:50This woman has obviously got to you, hasn't she?
05:53We're supposed to be able to share our problems.
05:55Look, it's a very painful memory for me.
05:58You don't want me to dredge up your traumatic moments, do you?
06:01Like when your dad picked you up from school, wearing his swimming trunks.
06:04Well, you see, that's the very point, isn't it?
06:07I have shared that intimate distress with you, and since then, you have shared it with fucking everybody.
06:15So now, I feel better about it.
06:17Do you see?
06:23Come on, Ange.
06:25Ange, Ange, Ange, Ange, Ange.
06:27I've got something to show you.
06:29You won't believe this.
06:31You will not believe this.
06:33I've got this today.
06:34What do you think it is?
06:35What do you think it is?
06:35I've got a piercing kit for piercing.
06:41Look at this.
06:42Look at that.
06:44Make my day.
06:45Paw, paw.
06:46That's for killing my mum.
06:47Yeah, I'll go.
06:48Well, that's for locking me in the air in cupboard when I was three.
06:53Yeah.
06:53Yeah, that actually did happen, though, that one, about locking me in the air in cupboard.
06:56Yeah, I know, I know.
06:57Anybody move, I'll put a ring in your nipple.
07:00Paw, paw.
07:02Do you want to actually do it?
07:03Shall we actually do it?
07:06See?
07:07Okay.
07:08Okay, hang on.
07:09I've got to load it up.
07:12Oh, God, it's ready to go now.
07:14Ready?
07:15Where do you want it?
07:16Where do you want it?
07:17In you.
07:18Somewhere in you.
07:20No, no.
07:21Because I...
07:22Oh, go on.
07:23Have a ring in your knee.
07:24No, go on.
07:25I don't want to.
07:25No, no, no, no, no.
07:27I don't want to be penetrated, okay?
07:29I don't think we've had enough air.
07:30Shut up!
07:32Don't leave that if you don't...
07:34Hold up.
07:36All right.
07:46Miss Peppard was a sadist.
07:49She hated me in particular for some reason.
07:52I don't know why.
07:54You always knew when she was in a dangerous mood.
07:57When she wore a black cloak gathered round her shoulders like a...
08:03Like a...
08:04What?
08:05Like a towel?
08:06No.
08:08What, like a poncho?
08:09Like a bat's...
08:10Bat's...
08:11Wings.
08:11Wings.
08:13There were always these weird rumours about her.
08:16They used to say that she fought in Vietnam.
08:19I don't know if that was true.
08:22What did she do to you?
08:25Lots of things.
08:27You know, it was mainly psychological, you know.
08:31She'd call me into her office and then just stare at me.
08:36And then make me turn around and face the wall and stand on one leg.
08:39You know, small things on the surface.
08:42But then...
08:44But then one day...
08:46I can still remember it so clearly.
08:49Yeah.
08:51She made me do a cross-country run in my underwear.
08:57I must have been about 16.
09:00When you're at your most self-conscious, you're obsessed with your body.
09:04You think your thighs could support a large bridge.
09:06Breasts feel like strange visitors sitting on your chest.
09:11I'd forgotten my running kit.
09:15So Miss Pepard said, you're not getting away with it.
09:18You'll have to do the run in your bra and pants.
09:21It was like one of those nightmares where you're...
09:27Well, where you're doing a cross-country run in your underwear.
09:30I wanted the earth to open up.
09:36A month hasn't gone by when I haven't thought about that terrible afternoon.
09:39And now she's here, where I live, and I just...
09:46I can't handle it.
09:48Do you want me to pierce her to death?
09:50Aye.
09:50Hello.
09:51Pierce, pierce.
09:52Eat lead.
09:54You retired, grey-haired old schoolteacher, you.
09:59Come on.
10:00She's just a harmless little old lady.
10:02Imagine her naked.
10:04Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're scared of someone?
10:07No, actually, sorry, that's when you want to shag someone.
10:08So I don't know her.
10:11I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't planning some outrage as we speak.
10:15Now, come on, let it go.
10:17Imagine that you're on a ship, OK?
10:21And she is your past life, and you're sailing...
10:24I want her on the ship.
10:26Get her on the ship.
10:29Right, she is on a ship, right?
10:32And you're on the land, and she's just sailing away, leaving you forever.
10:37Off she goes, into the distance.
10:40Goodbye.
10:42Goodbye.
10:44She's coming back.
10:45She's coming back.
10:46No, no, she isn't.
10:47She's still got her luggage.
10:48No, she hasn't.
10:49They just checked her luggage into the wrong cabin.
10:50That's all.
10:51It's all sorted now.
10:52And off she goes again.
10:53And goodbye.
10:55Goodbye.
10:55Goodbye.
10:56OK.
10:58OK.
10:59Good.
11:00Well done.
11:00Hello, Angela.
11:27Hi, Jack.
11:27What can I get you?
11:30Er, nothing.
11:31Thanks.
11:36So what are you here for, then?
11:38I, um, I wondered if I could have a look upstairs.
11:41Why?
11:42Well, I used to know one of your guests, Miss Pepard,
11:46and I just wanted to see how she is.
11:50Well, you could ask her.
11:51Yeah, I don't want to ask her.
11:53Sorry.
11:55I don't really want to ask her.
11:57I'd rather rummage through her things.
12:00Why?
12:02I'm scared of her.
12:04After all these years,
12:06I'm very scared.
12:09And I'm angry.
12:11So I just...
12:13I'm furious, actually.
12:15So I want to reassure myself
12:18that she really is
12:20just a harmless little old lady.
12:24I hear Mary's got a body piercing kit.
12:29I've always fancied a ring through my penis.
12:34Can I have the key to upstairs, please?
12:36Yeah, sure.
12:37Take the passkey.
12:39In return, maybe I can borrow your piercing kit.
12:42Perhaps Mary would like to do it to me instead.
12:48Yeah, thanks.
12:51I know Daphne's not averse to a clitoral piercing.
12:54I just...
12:56Hang on.
12:56I know...
12:57I don't know what's going to happen.
13:00Oh, okay.
13:00Oh, go go.
13:01I just want to move on.
13:06So, I don't...
13:11I don't know...
13:12I don't know what's going on.
13:12Oh, Lee.
13:13I don't know...
13:14I don't know what he knows.
13:16I don't know what's going on has come on.
13:18Mm...
13:19What are you dealing with ale...
13:20I don't know what's going on.
13:21I don't know.
13:21I don't know what's going on...
13:22He's called something.
13:53Shall I finish your room later?
14:13Oh, no, that's all right. You can finish up now.
14:17Actually, it's sort of done, isn't it?
14:20Huh? All right.
14:22Oh, no, that's all right.
14:52Oh, no, that's $2.60, please.
15:06Do you accept euros?
15:08Yeah. Euros. Dollars. Moroccan jumping beans.
15:14The Burmese nog. Bring them all down.
15:19No, we don't!
15:22We do do piercings, though, have you?
15:24Oh.
15:27Right.
15:34Here. Holly, I've got a special offer for you.
15:37Oh, what?
15:38It's a piercing.
15:41It's only a tenner.
15:42I gave you the machine.
15:43Yeah, all right, all right.
15:45I'll do the first one cheap, just for you, so I can get the ball rolling.
15:48And if it don't go septic, I'd like to take a photo of it, put on my board as an example, OK?
15:54Come on, come round here. Let's have a look at you.
15:56Oh, good.
15:57Right, let's have a look at you.
15:59Right, yes, you're already a bit of a colander, aren't you?
16:03We'll do your belly button.
16:05You haven't been on the course yet.
16:07I've got to fix this.
16:08Have you read the instructions?
16:10Oh, it's a very dull person that reads the instructions, isn't it?
16:14Right, yeah, that bit goes in there.
16:15OK, loaded.
16:17You've got an innie or an outie?
16:20Or have you got one just like my old school friend Jenny?
16:23Hers looked like a lizard swimming around in a bowl of custard.
16:26Mine isn't exactly like other people's.
16:28Don't be silly.
16:29Go on, get it up there.
16:37Oh, God.
16:39Just put that down now.
16:40Just put it down.
16:41Oh, right, OK, look, we'll just, uh, we'll do your tongue instead.
16:45Well, that isn't exactly sterile now, is it?
16:46What do you mean sterile?
16:47Oh, do you mind if we don't do this, Mary?
16:48Oh, don't be famous, then!
16:50God!
16:53Have you heard any more about Angela and her old dead mistress?
16:56Yeah.
16:57Apparently she made her go on a ten-mile run just wearing her brown pants.
17:01Oh, that is so cruel.
17:02But what a fantastic story.
17:05I know.
17:06I know.
17:07So, what happened?
17:08Angela forgot her PE kit.
17:10So this woman, Miss Pepard, punished her by sending her off on a ten-mile run,
17:16watched by all and sundry in the town.
17:18No.
17:19Yeah.
17:20And it's freezing cold.
17:23She's a skinny little thing, so she's shivering like a leaf.
17:27They're all jeering at her from the side of the road, going,
17:30and where's your bloody skirt?
17:36So what happened?
17:37Um, bloody boys threw a net over her, didn't they?
17:42Stopped her.
17:43No.
17:45Yes.
17:46Carry on.
17:48Well, they drag her into a ditch.
17:52Yeah, a cold, muddy ditch.
17:54And start poking her with spears.
17:57And she's trying to free herself, and she's half nude.
17:59Not just any old spears, mind.
18:03Poisoned spears.
18:04Horrible.
18:06That whole thing was a complete nightmare.
18:08Oh, my God, poor thing.
18:09Yeah.
18:10It's like, like, poison-tip spears.
18:12Just piercing.
18:13Angela, I am so sorry.
18:17Mary was just telling me about that horrible woman.
18:20Oh.
18:21Oh, yeah, well, you know, these things happen.
18:24I once had a teacher.
18:25Did Mary tell you that there was lots of people watching?
18:27God, horrible.
18:29Yeah, I mean, you know, you know, well,
18:31I've spent some time in mental institutions.
18:34Hmm.
18:34Yeah.
18:35Yeah, well, that's where it all started.
18:37Is it?
18:38Oh, yeah.
18:39Oh, Ange.
18:40Oh, hello.
18:47Always a welcome sight.
18:49Ladies together.
18:50Stop it.
18:52What's the problem?
18:53Ange has just had a nasty shock, that's all.
18:56Bang, was it?
18:57Little bang.
18:58Has she found out something's got to be cut out of her?
19:02Is guessing not helpful?
19:07It's personal.
19:10Go on, tell me.
19:11Your secret's safe with me and whoever I tell it to.
19:16What's that?
19:17Body piercing kit.
19:19Ear.
19:20Do you want an earring?
19:21I do, actually.
19:22Pierced ears were invented by us seafaring folk.
19:26Scurvy.
19:27That was another one of ours.
19:28I'll pierce your ears for 20 quid
19:30and throw in Ange's story for free.
19:32So, what?
19:32No, no, no, no, no.
19:34This is my life.
19:35Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.
19:38All right.
19:39Right.
19:40Loaded.
19:42Right.
19:43Don't have to be your ears.
19:44I can whack a hole in anything.
19:46Like this, for instance.
19:48There.
19:48That's very popular.
19:50Why not?
19:51Right, good.
19:51Should I close my eyes?
19:56Yeah.
19:56Yeah.
19:59I think we should keep yours open.
20:01All right, yeah.
20:03Yeah.
20:14You're interested in witchcraft, then, are you?
20:16Sorry.
20:17Did I sortle you?
20:18No, no, it's my fault.
20:19I'm a bit dozy these days.
20:21Yeah.
20:21Right.
20:22It's an intriguing place.
20:24Yeah, well, maybe it is and maybe it didn't.
20:27I've heard about you.
20:30Oh.
20:31Not all bad, I hope.
20:33Uh, pretty much, yeah.
20:36See, I know someone who was to your school.
20:39Goodness.
20:40Who's that?
20:42Well, let's just call her Angela.
20:44Gosh, well, I've known several hundred Angelas.
20:47They're often rather spunky girls.
20:49Oh, really?
20:51And what about you?
20:53Me?
20:54Well, I run the shop down there.
20:56Oh.
20:57Well, then you're the linchpin of the whole village.
21:01Well, yes, I suppose I am, yes.
21:04You've got such a lovely face.
21:07Uh, I suppose I'd better let you get on, then.
21:12Jolly good.
21:13Chill.
21:18So Angela's minding her own business at school,
21:21and her headmistress tells her she's got to do a cross-country run in her knickers.
21:25Yes.
21:27How do you know?
21:28Yeah, so she does.
21:3016 years old.
21:31Okay.
21:54Okay.
21:54Okay.
21:54Okay.
22:19What the cop do you think you're doing?
22:49I wanted to scare her.
22:51Well, yes.
22:53Plunging her 200 foot into the sea would scare her.
22:55Yes.
22:56Yes.
22:56She ruined my life.
22:59I was going to dangle her over the edge by her ankles until she apologised.
23:04That's fair.
23:06Look, I've been talking to her, all right?
23:08Don't get vaxxed.
23:10It's just I think she may now actually be a rather nice and gentle sort of person.
23:17She's getting away.
23:24She's getting away.
23:25Look.
23:26Look.
23:27Look.
23:28I think you're going to have to confront this woman properly and exercise his demons.
23:40OK?
23:40No.
23:41OK?
23:42No.
23:43OK?
23:44OK.
23:46OK.
23:46OK.
23:48OK.
23:50OK.
23:51OK.
23:52OK.
23:53OK.
23:53OK.
23:57No.
23:58No.
23:58Heel.
23:59Heel.
23:59Heel.
24:00Heel.
24:21Ha.
24:21Ha.
24:21Oh, my God.
24:51Hello.
24:54Sorry, do I know you?
24:57Yes, you do.
24:59I was at Lady Margaret's.
25:02Angela Phillips.
25:03You made me do a cross-country run in my underwear.
25:06Are you sure, dear?
25:08Yes.
25:09I want an apology in front of these people
25:14on behalf of all children who have been treated unfairly at school
25:18and possibly gone on as a result to be slightly unbalanced.
25:24I forgot my running kit.
25:27So you forced me to do the run in the cold
25:31in front of the whole village wearing only bra and pants.
25:35Oh, really?
25:36Me in only bra and pants, not village.
25:41I'm sorry you're upset.
25:44I do vaguely remember something.
25:48I used to wear purple knee-length socks.
25:51That was my sort of trademark.
25:53My best friend was Wiggy.
25:55I was in Zoo House.
25:56Oh, yes, I remember now.
26:00But it wasn't really as you describe.
26:03You were a, well, shall we say, troubled teenager.
26:08And you'd been allowed on many occasions to miss P.E.
26:11But this time it was felt it would be fun
26:13for you to join the other girls on the run.
26:16You were wearing a very substantial vest,
26:19which I decided you could run in,
26:21and a pair of shorts borrowed from lost property.
26:25You know what teenagers are like?
26:27Bless them.
26:28They take everything to heart.
26:30The run was actually within the school grounds,
26:34mainly because we'd had a bout of girls
26:35stopping off at the wimpy bar
26:37in the middle of runs and smoking cigars.
26:39You couldn't even see any of these guys.
26:47You weren't steady.
26:50Shorts.
26:51I think that's all right.
26:54I didn't allow it, my girls.
26:57It's true, of course.
26:58There's no-one more self-obsessed or strange than a child.
27:01Yeah.
27:02I mean, look at Lord of the Rings.
27:03Jeff.
27:03Flies.
27:04Look at Lord of the Flies.
27:05Jeff, do you want to buy a body-piercing kit?
27:09Yes, please.
27:09Fifty quid.
27:17Daphne?
27:21I'm actually feeling a little bit guilty.
27:23You're actually quite sweet.
27:24I can't believe it.
27:25You're an evil wit!
27:31You're an evil wit, are you ferns?
27:34I think she's lying.
27:36You know, that's just typical of that woman.
27:39You don't believe me, do you?
27:40I'm not going to say anything.
27:43Yeah, I should have chucked it off that cliff when I had the chance here.
27:46Why don't you come in with me now and I'll cook you something nice and wet.
27:49Oh, God, I've got such a pounding headache.
27:53Well, you would have, Poppin.
27:55It's been a tense and harrowing and frankly quite confusing sort of day.
27:59Come on.
28:01We'll make some liver soup, shall we?
28:02Well, I've got to yell, Daphne.
28:05Gently.
28:06Gently.
28:08Oh, damn it, you can't hear me.
28:10We've got a special kind of love
28:32The kind that toughens you up
28:36That you're never sure of
28:39And it's not enough
28:41Out where the sunsets hover
28:45We tear apart each other all day
28:50You got me going, there's no way
28:54I'll let you know if that's okay
28:57Cause we're as good as we'll get
29:00In the Wild West
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