- 2 days ago
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00:30You never see a set of stamps to commemorate great lesbians, do you?
00:35No, it's always bloody clones, isn't it?
00:39Oh, the World Cup again.
00:42Hello!
00:42Yeah, I'm sure people would far rather see a set of great lesbians every four years.
00:50I love almonds, don't you?
00:52I love them.
00:54Queen of nuts.
00:55They make other nuts, like walnuts, look like cheap whores.
01:00Cheap whores sitting on a shelf.
01:03It's like the birds, isn't it? Only with fish.
01:22But you can't stop kids having fun, can you?
01:26You reckon? Watch me.
01:28They've had another go at old Jake's boat and all.
01:32Well, this just can't go on.
01:37I'm gonna kill him.
01:39Thanks for gathering here.
01:52The village hall is unavailable because it's full of old people dancing.
01:56This is an emergency meeting to talk about vandalism.
02:00It is time to eradicate this pox.
02:04And my goodness, it is a pox from the village.
02:08Here, Eric.
02:10Now, I know it's only lunchtime,
02:12but I don't want to see anyone leave her sober unless you're driving a bus.
02:16Okay.
02:17Let's have a look at some recent incidents.
02:19Janine, the slides.
02:21Daphne, the lights.
02:24The lights.
02:25The lights.
02:26No.
02:32No, exactly the lights.
02:38Right.
02:42Glass incident.
02:44Out there on the asylum road.
02:48Dustbin Henge.
02:50Oh, friggin' hard.
02:51Suck him.
02:53That gentleman won't be running back to Cornwall with his holiday cash.
02:56Oh, Janine, sort your donut out.
03:01Lights, please, Dad.
03:03Someone.
03:06So, how to eradicate this violence.
03:09Hey, come on!
03:11Hey, hey, hey!
03:13We know who these children are.
03:18In fact, two of them are mine and Daphne's.
03:20Jake!
03:21They're not wicked, not in the old-fashioned sense.
03:23They're not even necessarily lazy.
03:26In fact, harness the energy used to assemble those dustbins
03:29or drag old Jake's boat into the church.
03:33And this village could be every bit as dynamic
03:36as Pemp or Paul Wigglenackle.
03:39Yeah.
03:40Let's have some suggestions.
03:42Can I have a pint, please, Jeff?
03:45Jeff, Jeff.
03:46Mary.
03:46A sort of pit dug deep into the path,
03:55strewn with leaves and branches.
03:57And directly, the kids come along to do their worst.
04:00They're walking along, walking along, walking along.
04:02And then suddenly...
04:02Ah!
04:03They fall into the pit, possibly onto some spikes.
04:06I like that idea.
04:07Yeah, where they are flogged and exhibited like wild animals
04:11until they have apologised publicly
04:13and repaid their debt to society.
04:15Died them to a tree.
04:16I like that idea.
04:17I think the way to tackle this vandalism
04:20is by giving these kids something that they can look at
04:22and say, that is mine.
04:25Broken arms.
04:26Good idea.
04:27Something they can be proud of.
04:30Like a youth club.
04:32No, they don't deserve that.
04:34Or a mural.
04:37I wasn't being a lily-livered, wishy-washy liberal, actually.
04:43I was merely making the point that these children are bored
04:47in this oppressively tiny, teeny, tiny, bloody village, as am I.
04:54So they...
04:54Oh, you're bored.
04:56I am bored.
04:58Well, perhaps if you seized the opportunities for excitement,
05:01that come by.
05:02What opportunities?
05:05Did you try the stilt walking?
05:06No.
05:07Did you accept the part of Mole and Wind in the Willows?
05:11No.
05:11Mary, Mary!
05:13Did you run with the goats
05:14in the Pamplona-style street carnival at Boswelley?
05:20I'll get the stilt walkers back, shall I?
05:22If it makes you a little bit less bored, yeah.
05:24Go on, yeah.
05:25Yeah.
05:26Yes!
05:26Yeah, I will.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Good.
05:28Let's have a look.
05:37Can't find stilt walkers.
05:41What are you looking under?
05:45Stilts, obviously.
05:48Try entertainment.
05:50You think I won't, don't you?
05:56World in the lesbians, world in the lesbians, world in the lesbians, world in the lesbians, world in the lesbians, world in the lesbians, world in the lesbians.
06:03Right, so how does the actual bungee jumping work, then?
06:08You're just sort of boing up and down, don't you?
06:12Right.
06:15Oh.
06:16Oh, I don't care if it's safe.
06:22Yeah, no, I'm not worried about that.
06:24So, um, when can you sort of come round and, you know, talk us through?
06:31Oh, tomorrow?
06:33Right.
06:34Quite soon.
06:35Um, OK, OK, yeah, let's, uh, yeah, let's do it, then.
06:46Yeah, thanks for rushing in, please.
06:48What did you do?
06:49Stop off on the way to pick some flowers?
06:52Spot a breakfast in Truro, was it?
06:54Come on.
07:01Hello.
07:02G'day.
07:03Hi.
07:04Are you, uh, Angela Phillips?
07:05Oh, please, call me Ange.
07:07You know, or whatever's groovy.
07:11We're, uh, bungee land.
07:12Did somebody weld you in?
07:14Yeah, kids.
07:17Um, right.
07:19Well, that is quite a job you've got there, isn't it?
07:22You know, travelling around like the old troubadours.
07:25Let's do the whole show right here.
07:27Breaking a few hearts and then moving on.
07:31Yeah, yeah, it's good fun.
07:32We're a bit like that here in the shop.
07:34So, how many people have you seen plummet to their death?
07:40None.
07:41None.
07:41Really?
07:42Why?
07:42Watched you go like that.
07:43Just listen to the noise of the body.
07:45No, look, it's perfectly safe.
07:47We wouldn't do it otherwise.
07:48Oh, right.
07:49Okay.
07:49We've done a recce, actually, already.
07:51There's a nice high cliff we can jump you guys off.
07:56Really?
07:57Really a cliff.
07:59Lovely.
08:00Lovely.
08:01Yeah, look, so we'll leave a few of these with you
08:03and, you know, just have some fun with it.
08:05I mean, some people get dressed up in crazy gear.
08:07I love it.
08:08To advertise their company or whatever.
08:10Yeah.
08:11In fact, there was one bloke from a farm
08:12who did it dressed as a runner-by.
08:14Oh, yeah?
08:14Yeah.
08:16Brilliant.
08:18Can I have my pension?
08:20Shut up!
08:21So I trust you'll all be doing the bungee jump?
08:29You might as well.
08:30Yeah, yeah, I've done a few, I have.
08:32It's no big deal.
08:33A friend of mine swallowed a bird once
08:35on the way down to watch that, yeah?
08:36Keep your teeth going.
08:38Twat is rude, isn't it?
08:40Yes.
08:41You should do the jump dressed up in a witch's outfit.
08:43Advertise the witchcraft centre.
08:45Yeah.
08:46Yeah, they used to dunk women
08:47accused of being witches, didn't they?
08:49Oh, I'm not a witch.
08:50Yeah, I'm just looking after this broom for a friend.
08:54How do you spell Y-I?
08:55You know, that Newcastle thing?
08:57You know?
08:57Hello, Pat.
08:58I give you a little tissue on the board.
09:01Well, it's not spelt Y-I.
09:06I know.
09:09I know that.
09:11My sketch for the mural.
09:12Oh, right.
09:13Thanks, Jake.
09:14It's surprisingly powerful.
09:17Right.
09:17Listen, I've done my bit for these kids sorting out this bungee jump.
09:22You should be organising this mural.
09:24Yeah, well, I'll organise to have their little testicles torn off.
09:28The council are trying to foster community art, you know.
09:33You can get a grant.
09:35A grant?
09:36Yeah.
09:36Yeah, all right, I'll do it, yeah.
09:37All right.
09:37I'll do it.
09:39Twat.
09:40Yeah, but that's rude, though, isn't it?
09:41No.
09:43Tip pants.
09:44What?
09:45Tip pants.
09:46Slank for bark.
09:47Use the pee-off fudge ramp.
09:49Excellent.
09:51You'll be doing the bungee jump, won't you, Jeff?
09:53No.
09:54Don't interest me.
09:55Can't be bothered.
09:56You sure?
09:56No, no, just want a bit childish, that's all.
10:01Wouldn't be that our little Jeff has gone a bit scaredy-weardy, would it?
10:05Not scaredy-weardy, no.
10:07Growny-uppy, actually.
10:09Scaredy-weardy.
10:19Oh, is that old Jake's mural?
10:21Yeah.
10:23It's a chronicle of Cornish sea disasters.
10:26It just looks like some kind of sewage spill.
10:31Very bosh, isn't it?
10:32Yeah, it's complete bosh.
10:34Oh.
10:37Oh, that's a nice one.
10:39Look at that.
10:39It's beautiful.
10:40Look at all the lovely details on that one.
10:43That is absolutely beautiful.
10:45Look at it.
10:45Mm.
10:46Mm.
10:48Yeah.
10:49It's yours, isn't it?
10:51Yes.
10:53Lovely.
10:56No hollies, don't we, on Cornish history.
11:00Right, the discovery of tin is apparently a druid holding up a can of spaghetti hoops.
11:07We've got Francis Drake playing beach volleyball.
11:11That wasn't even in Cornwall.
11:13No, it's got a sign saying, to Cornwall.
11:17Well, we might as well use that one.
11:18Only paint in a toilet.
11:22Right.
11:25What's that?
11:25This is form A4E from the council.
11:30Apparently, the more disadvantaged we look, the bigger the grant.
11:33So I'm going to say that Dean Harbin is disabled.
11:37Because I'm probably going to break his legs anyway.
11:41And Geoff's Daphne is deaf.
11:43Well done, Daphne.
11:44And I am from Bosnia.
11:49Aren't I?
11:51I'm so excited about doing this bungee jump tomorrow.
11:54This is a magical time for me.
11:58I am finally saying yes to life.
12:01OK, stop right there.
12:12If I get any crap out of you lot, you're going home in a pie.
12:17You do that again, Emily.
12:19And I'll gob on you.
12:21And let me tell you something.
12:22If I gob on you, you will know you've been gobbed on, mate.
12:26Now, listen to me.
12:28We're going to do a mural.
12:31Anybody know what that is?
12:34It's a big picture on a wall.
12:36Yes.
12:37So you're going to do me one of they.
12:40All right.
12:41How much are we getting paid?
12:43Nothing, Demelza Lego, you silly bitch.
12:46OK, come on, follow me.
12:49Come on, keep up.
12:51Up here.
12:52Come on.
13:01Jeff, can you hear a chicken noise?
13:12What?
13:14Nothing.
13:15All right.
13:23Anybody here ethnic?
13:26Come on, Damien.
13:28You've got a touch of something, haven't you?
13:29Right, you're a gypsy.
13:32Anybody's dad in prison?
13:34More likely to end up there.
13:37Good.
13:38Very good.
13:38This paint's rubbish.
13:40You've watered it down.
13:42Well, tough.
13:43How do you expect me to make a profit?
13:47Cyril, are you painting tits on that druid?
13:52Well, for what it's worth, I know that's not very much.
13:55That is not what the artist Holly Huntingman intended.
13:57She's a witch.
13:59Witch.
14:00Witch.
14:01Witch.
14:02Witch.
14:02Right, stop it.
14:04I admit it, she is a little bit witchy, yes.
14:07Are you a lesbian?
14:09Lesbian.
14:10Lesbian.
14:11Lesbian.
14:12Right.
14:14No, I believe not the chance.
14:23I'm off.
14:23I've got a shop to run.
14:24And when I get back here, I want to see Francis Drake up there playing volleyball.
14:31Right?
14:38I'm not sure about doing the bungee jump.
14:40Oh, God.
14:41Why?
14:43Oh, I think it might be because I...
14:45I don't know.
14:46Because I don't want to die by landing on my head from a great height in front of several hundred people.
14:52Oh, you'd be depriving people of a lot of pleasure.
15:07I'm sorry.
15:08I'm baking the wrong thing.
15:09Ange.
15:23Come on.
15:24Come on.
15:25Come on.
15:28Remember that bloke?
15:29Evil Knievel.
15:30You know the one who jumped across the big canyon on his motorbike?
15:33And everyone said he was going to plunge to his death.
15:37Do you remember?
15:37And did he, Ange?
15:39Did he?
15:41Um...
15:42Actually, did he?
15:43I can't remember.
15:44I suppose the problem is, you should do this kind of thing when you can look back and say,
15:52I have achieved something with my life.
15:54I can now plummet happily to my death.
15:58Well, what have I achieved in my life?
16:02Well, you've annoyed a massive amount of people.
16:05You see, they try to make it look safe, don't they?
16:07Oh, yeah.
16:07Yeah, yeah, but it's not.
16:09You know, you are a length of rubber away from a very messy end and a footnote in bungee news.
16:16Just calm down now.
16:17See, when I go, I want to go in a nice bed, surrounded by my loved ones and a friendly vicar.
16:25Not with my neck jerking this way and that and my body broken like a rag doll.
16:33And breathe.
16:34And breathe.
16:35That's it.
16:39Well done, lover.
16:40Well done.
16:44Shut up.
16:48I'm not jumping.
16:50Bugger it if I'll jump.
16:51I'm not jumping.
17:09I was going to jump.
17:10Hi.
17:22Oh, hiya.
17:25So, all set for tomorrow, then?
17:29Yeah.
17:32Yeah.
17:33It brings a lot of issues of personal bravery to the surface, doesn't it?
17:37You'll be fine.
17:38So, you've never had any accidents, then?
17:42No.
17:43Come on.
17:44Seriously, how many people have you killed?
17:47None.
17:48OK.
17:49I won't tell anyone.
17:52What is it, about 15, 20?
17:54None.
17:56OK.
18:03But if the rubber band were to break, though, what would happen?
18:06I'd sort of end up like this, wouldn't I?
18:08No, you wouldn't end up like that because you wear a backup safety harness.
18:17Right, so why do I need a backup?
18:20Because all systems can fail.
18:23So both can fail.
18:25All right, come on.
18:30You've done it.
18:33I think Damien here would appreciate it if someone had the courage to own up.
18:40Don't bother me.
18:41I've got all day, if necessary.
18:51Hello.
18:53Oh, hello.
18:53You want to see what I'm wearing for the bungee jump?
19:00All right.
19:02It was me.
19:04So, any new exhibits I should know about?
19:07Have you seen the bony hand of Bodmin?
19:10Yeah.
19:12Someone's offered us another pickled penis, but I said no.
19:15Well, you can have too many, can't you?
19:16Yeah.
19:17This is what I'm wearing for the bungee jump.
19:20Shall I put that on?
19:22You really want to, don't you?
19:24I think it would draw attention nicely to the centre.
19:29One of the friends of the centre suggested I do it naked.
19:32Hmm.
19:33Because he thought it rang more true somehow.
19:36I was prepared to do it using an old witch's pubic wig.
19:39Called a merkin.
19:40You remember our merkins in the restricted section?
19:42Yeah, you don't forget a display case full of pubic wigs in a hurry.
19:45No, but the feeling was that the G-forces would rip it off.
19:49Right.
19:50Do you like it?
19:51Yeah, that's fantastic.
19:52Um, listen, I'm getting into a little bit of a state about doing this bungee jump.
19:58So I have decided to confront my fears irrationally.
20:02Good.
20:03And buy a lucky charm off you.
20:05Um, have you got anything?
20:07Oh, Angela, you poor love.
20:09I'm sorry.
20:10I'm always making charms for people.
20:12You know Sting?
20:14I made one for him when he was worried about some tour dates in Turkey.
20:18This is nice.
20:19Well, this is to ward off that super-knit that's been going around.
20:24I sold a lot of those.
20:26Oh, that's nice.
20:27What's that?
20:28That?
20:29Yeah.
20:29Oh, that's just some old stone that got in there.
20:32Right.
20:33Um, have you got anything, you know, for fear of flying?
20:37Specifically, a fear of plummeting and crashing.
20:42Hmm.
20:44This is an Ergerman stone.
20:48It has properties of floating and levity.
20:54Quite big, isn't it?
20:56Big is as big does.
20:58And what does that mean, exactly?
21:02The bigger the stone, the bigger the effect.
21:08I've got a bigger one.
21:09I've got a bigger one.
21:39Oh, that's how you decided to do it, then.
21:57Yeah.
22:03What's this?
22:05Nothing.
22:05Nothing.
22:09It's a magic stone.
22:11You can't do the jump with a stone.
22:13I have to.
22:14It's lucky.
22:15Well, apart from throwing your body weight calculation out,
22:17it could fly off and kill someone.
22:19Sorry.
22:20You expect me to jump into the void on a length of rubber
22:23and pay for the privilege,
22:25and meanwhile, you're just worried
22:27that someone's going to get a little pebble in the head.
22:29Have you got any idea how hard this is for me?
22:33You're a pisshole.
22:35You're a pisshole.
22:36Go on.
22:37Not you.
22:38Not you.
22:41Right, Kelly?
22:42What do you want?
22:44You fancy yourself a bit of a painter, then?
22:46No.
22:46If I give you 100 quid, you could do your own mural.
22:52Anything you like.
22:53Apart from the following.
22:55No activities of a sexual nature.
22:58No celebrations of drugs, alcohol or glue, Kelly.
23:03No tricks with animals.
23:05No clowns.
23:06And no needlessly thin or attractive people.
23:08Okay.
23:09Yeah.
23:10Right.
23:11Here.
23:11You can have the other half when you've finished it.
23:16Here, here's 20 quid.
23:18Cut yourself to a bungee jump, eh?
23:19You must be joking.
23:20None of us are going on that.
23:22It's a bloody death trap.
23:27Look, you can't do the jump with a stone.
23:30Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:31Whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:32Come on.
23:32Ah, come on down.
23:33Come on down.
23:34Come on down.
23:34Come on down.
23:35Come on down.
23:36Come on.
23:36No, you can.
23:37Get up.
23:38Come on.
23:38Come on.
23:39Come on.
23:39You.
23:40I'm seeing you.
23:40You're on the outside.
23:41We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:43We are on the outside.
23:44We are on the outside.
23:44We are on the outside.
23:44We are on the outside.
23:45We are on the outside.
23:45We are on the outside.
23:46We are on the outside.
23:47We are on the outside.
23:48We are on the outside.
23:49We are on the outside.
23:50We are on the outside.
23:51We are on the outside.
23:52We are on the outside.
23:53We are on the outside.
23:54We are on the outside.
23:55We are on the outside.
23:56We are on the outside.
23:57We are on the outside.
23:58We are on the outside.
23:59We are on the outside.
24:00We are on the outside.
27:31So, presumably, you'll be saying yes to life from now on, then?
27:37Well, I might start by saying maybe to life.
27:41Good, good.
27:43And then...
27:44I'll just work my way up to yes.
27:46Work your way up, yeah, yeah.
27:50So, though profoundly deaf, Daphne can make a noise like a chicken.
27:58Yes.
27:58Apparently, she taught herself at deaf school and saving it up to torture Jeff with.
28:05No, I had to give Kelly 100 quid to finish that mural.
28:15You know, paint costs an extra £1,000, you know, paint costs an extra £1,000, you know, I'll leave it a year, then I'll apply for another grant, and I'll get the kids to cut a big white horse into that hillside up there.
28:30It's going to be worth five grand, isn't it?
28:34It's always white horses, though, isn't it?
28:36Yeah, you're right.
28:36Good to do a penguin.
28:38We've got a special kind of love
28:43The kind that toughens you up
28:46That you're never sure of
28:49And it's not enough
28:51Out where the sunsets hover
28:55We tear apart each other all day
29:01You got me going, there's no way
29:04I'll let you know if that's OK
29:07Cause we're as good as it gets
29:10In the Wild West
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