- 22/06/2025
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:30Got you there.
00:48What time's he coming, Sarge?
00:51Sarge, this new bloke, what time's he coming?
00:55Eight.
00:56Eight?
00:57How come he starts at eight and we're on at seven?
00:59Well, it's his first night, isn't it?
01:01He didn't finish work at his old place till seven this morning.
01:04You've got to give him time to sort himself out.
01:08Here, let's take his trousers down.
01:12When he comes in, we'll switch off the light,
01:13take his trousers down and stick his head under the cold tap, eh?
01:17Why?
01:18Because he's the new boy, dummy.
01:21Oh, of course, the new boy.
01:23The new boy, let me see.
01:24That means we have to make him indulge in some demeaning or humiliating initiation ceremony,
01:30usually incorporating exposure of said victim's genitalia
01:34in an act which, by its very nature,
01:37could imply latent homosexual tendencies in the perpetrators of the outrage.
01:42Isn't that right, then?
01:44Eh?
01:44Would you not say that was an accurate description of the situation, eh, Ding Dong?
01:48Well, you're the puff round here, mate.
01:52You're the one that reads poetry.
01:54Leave that book alone.
01:54Bell, I'm warning you.
01:55Bell.
01:56Well, woman sitting on bended knee,
01:59selling Johnny's for one and three.
02:03Some are sixpence, some are a bob.
02:05It all depends on the size of...
02:07It doesn't.
02:09Just leave this book alone.
02:11I've borrowed this book.
02:13Oh, you borrowed it, eh?
02:14What?
02:14From some other puff.
02:16Oh, Cecil, I really like that poetry book you lent me.
02:19Shall we go and pick some wild flowers now?
02:22Yeah.
02:23Raining like mad out there.
02:27Non-stop.
02:29Non-stop nocturnal precipitation.
02:35That's pissing, Dan.
02:36He's going to get soaked.
02:38Here!
02:39Let's have a game of ping-pong!
02:41We always used to play ping-pong, remember?
02:43We used to go in that boardroom,
02:44string the net across that big table and play ping-pong.
02:46What about a game of ping-pong, HR, sir?
02:49No, I do not wish to do that.
02:51Why not?
02:51Come on, I was dead good at ping-pong, I was.
02:53I used to get dead hot and sweaty,
02:54but uniform used to get soaked by the end of the night.
02:57It was great, it was.
02:58Oh, yeah, it sounds lovely.
02:59It sounds really masculine, you know.
03:01Yeah, it was.
03:02I used to sleep great when we played ping-pong.
03:05Didn't dream of nothing.
03:07Used to go home, get into bed.
03:09And fiddle with yourself.
03:10Oi!
03:11Oi!
03:11Oi!
03:13I'll fiddle with you in a minute.
03:14Lads!
03:15Lads!
03:15Lads!
03:16Lads!
03:16Would you stop saying that?
03:17Lads!
03:18Is that all you can say?
03:19It drives me crazy.
03:20Bambi, it drives me crazy, too.
03:22I don't agree with me.
03:23God, I hate this place.
03:24Thank God I'm getting out.
03:25What's that?
03:26Out!
03:26O-U-T.
03:27Out!
03:28I've applied for another job.
03:30Oh, yeah, doing what?
03:31Selling bog brushes?
03:32Oh, do you know, Dino, that's what I'm going to miss about this place.
03:35The witty badinage, the diverting repartee.
03:39Heathrow, actually, Sarge.
03:40Security.
03:41Heathrow?
03:41They wouldn't have a pellet like you at Heathrow.
03:43Well, that's where you're wrong.
03:44I applied for the job last week.
03:45I went for an interview.
03:46Went very well.
03:47No, and I didn't make a pratter myself.
03:50I, uh, should hear the results this week sometime.
03:53Oh, Sarge, Heathrow's a blinding place.
03:56It's not like here, you know.
03:57There's all something going on.
03:59It's full of bars and restaurants
04:00and people of all nationalities walking about.
04:03Oh, you know, it's great.
04:05Well, I hope you get it, son.
04:07They won't get it.
04:07They won't have him.
04:08No, we'll see.
04:12Ah!
04:14Got you again!
04:20I went on a train today.
04:22Oh, yes?
04:23Where?
04:25There and back.
04:26Ha-ha!
04:30Where?
04:32Where did you go?
04:33Just up the road.
04:35Yes, all right.
04:35You mentioned that in the first place.
04:36Look, I just said I went on a train.
04:38All right?
04:38All right?
04:39All right?
04:39Just forget it.
04:41Come on to a game of drafts.
04:42I don't want a game of drafts.
04:44Look, I just said I went on a train, all right?
04:58Well, you shouldn't offer information
04:59if you don't want to solicit a response.
05:01That's all I'm saying.
05:02It's not too much to ask, is it?
05:04Eh?
05:05I mean, I...
05:05I just thought you were offering a conversational gambit.
05:08I didn't know you were going to lead me up a blind alley, did I?
05:11It's like me saying I had a cheese sandwich, isn't it?
05:14When?
05:17What?
05:18When did you have a cheese sandwich?
05:19No, no, I didn't.
05:20I didn't have a cheese sandwich.
05:21You know I didn't.
05:22You just said it, didn't you?
05:23DING DING DING DING DONG!
05:25I was just being hypothetical.
05:27If I said to you I had a cheese sandwich today,
05:29you'd expect me to go on to say something else, wouldn't you?
05:31No.
05:32Yes, yes, yes, you would.
05:33You'd expect my opening gambit to form something,
05:36you know, more interesting or a diverting story, perhaps.
05:39Not necessarily.
05:40Yes, yes, you would.
05:40you'd expect me to say I had a cheese sandwich today and you know one of my
05:45fillings dropped out and I went to the dentist to have it fixed and guess who I
05:51bumped into who I don't know anybody it could be anybody somebody I hadn't seen
05:59for years that's what you'd expect me to say not necessarily you would expect me
06:04to make a point that's what language is for for Christ's sake we can't all
06:09wander around spewing out an endless stream of non sequiturs there'd be anarchy
06:13nah I do not want a game of rocks steady on all I was going to say was when you
06:20said an endless stream of non sequiturs well that's not strictly true is it I
06:25mean correct me if I'm wrong but I always thought a non sequitur was a statement or
06:31utterance have a little or no relevance to that which preceded it so so what so if
06:36he says I went on a train today that's a statement on its own it's not meant to
06:43relate to or have relevance with the statement that preceded it that's all
06:46I'm saying it's not really a non sequitur is it
06:50all right all right I I accept I am sorry and my terminology was wrong I'm prepared to accept
07:02that none of us are perfect but that doesn't alter the fact that this moron here shouldn't
07:08go shooting his mouth off with his stupid inane comments that's all I'm trying to say Sarge I mean
07:13it's offensive to me you understand you cracked you are now you're cracked come and have a game of
07:20drafts just make a point that's all I'm trying to say okay yeah yeah yeah I bought a jar of coffee
07:36today yes and um guess what happened at the exact precise moment that I opened it what my cat fell
07:48over it just fell over onto its side like that amazing it well talk about coincidence you haven't
07:56got a bloody cat well where'd you get this phantom cat from all of a sudden I ding-dong I was left it
08:00in a will our will yes yes a little old Chinese lady said I could have it a Chinese lady what was
08:05her name chung mrs. chung oh chung where does this chung come from then Canada oh one of the
08:11Canadian chungs what's her favorite color puce oh puce what does she do for a living hey ding-dong
08:18to the relief if we're on a herring trawler
08:22oh that's enough
08:27all right it's a disgrace that's what it is well he started it oh no I didn't you did
08:33grown-up men acting like children well
08:38I hope this new bloke books your ideas up a bit why he's only the same rank as us well
08:45let's hope he sets you a good example God knows you can do with it hurt me fighting like great big
08:52kids that'll be him what was he knocking wasn't just come in looking for that what do we do now
09:00then what we do now right well I suppose we'd better let him in all right you ready yeah
09:08come in
09:38well this is great this isn't it this is just great this is well I'm not too pleased I could
09:53tell you that none too pleased it's a monkey for God's sake they sent a monkey to do our job we're
10:00gonna do stars who want it's it give it one keep your voice down
10:07right excuse me do you mind that's a dead person
10:14you let him know who's boss yeah well you can't let them walk all over you I mean if you're going to
10:22work together you've got to start on the right foot what you're not planning on them letting him stay
10:27here are you what else can we do get rid of him it's people of a certain nature right you know people
10:36who pursue a certain occupation right people who pay money for him okay great pet shops you mean no
10:48I'm not talking about pet shops I'm talk
10:52laboratories I know no I draw the line at that well look we've been pissed on for far too long it's a bad
11:15time we started fighting back now look I know it's difficult I know that but just sit back take
11:20your time and think about it for a while okay you're all right and how much we're gonna get for
11:25him I think we'll be quids in I mean he looks fit doesn't he right they'd like them to be fit that's
11:32so they can tell how well their tests are going by how ill they get right with him being fit in the
11:38first place they got something to measure it by haven't they Sarge well well all right anything for a
11:44quiet life we split the money three ways right right we whip him down the road in your van when
11:49we finish hang on he's got a nice work to do for it shall I ask him to take a look around no no we
11:55don't need him he can stay here I mean look at him he's worth it useless ding dong and I or go walk
12:00about wait you're not leaving me alone with him you'll be all right it's only a monkey for God's
12:06just don't do anything anthropoidal now no monkey business I can still handle myself you know I
12:23I was in the war I killed a Greek Shepherd ah come on now the lads are right you know I mean it's
12:38nothing personal but it's just not on it really is not hot sweet oh
13:04do you know I never saw that would you like another one anybody there nobody here but those chickens
13:33right down to business now look it's four o'clock okay that gives us three hours before we get
13:42excuse me excuse me this is a private conversation do you mind go away
13:48Oi go away Oi you heard him bug off
13:54now look we're gonna need some rope in case he gets a bit shirty I'll get my van and pull up at the back
14:01by the dustbins pull up at the back by the dustbin sergeal distraction sergeal distraction no I won't
14:05what count me out if you're gonna do it do it your own do your own dirty work well we don't need you
14:11anyway this is young man's work we don't need you no more money for us more money for us I'll get my
14:16van no I'll get my van I'll get my van I'll sit in the front I'll sit in the front no I'll sit in the
14:21front that's what I said I'll sit in the front no look let's go back a minute I'll get I'll sit in
14:25my van no wait wait a minute wait a minute where am I going to sit I mean it's my van I'm paying for
14:30the petrol no no I'm paying for the petrol I'm sitting in the front but it's my van I come
14:34here every week in my van come on then don't hang about you haven't got all flaming night you know
14:45stop it what a job go on have a look around yourself I'm fed up of being your stupid nursemaid
15:06look it's not me mate you know it's it's the others I mean if I had my way you could stick
15:30around for a bit maybe yeah come on
16:00one more we've got to get rid of him I mean it's for the best look mr. Darwin I'm talking
16:11about our dignity here do you understand I bet ding dong hasn't been taken in anybody there
16:18there's nobody here but a chicken well here we are the dynamic duo again right all set what the
16:34van it's secure is it we don't want him doing a runner do we I've got the rope better to be safe
16:43and sorry God what do we have to oh no no not you as well what's the matter with you two up I thought
16:53I was supposed to be the soft one well you haven't given him a chance he's alright when you get to know
16:57him no ding dong we made a deal and that's the end of it I'm gonna take a look around I don't like
17:06the air in here yeah yeah I think I'll join you that's it bleeding hearts what gets me is your cheek
17:20you think you can muscle in here don't you well let me tell you something pal you are on a way out
17:27yeah you are on a one-way street son hey who said you could sit down I mean how dare you think you
17:38could possibly fit in here I you know we're a team we work like clockwork I mean just look at you you've
17:45got nothing in common you know absolutely nothing there is a world of a difference between mankind and
17:51monkeydom you see what I'm getting at you and I pal I've got nothing in common okay absolutely nothing
18:00that's really funny that that's a really good joke there and for a point of humor I suppose listen I
18:18don't have to take this pal no because I'm out as well I've got a new job Heathrow security yeah no
18:24monkeys there I'm telling you you're not gonna win me over like you have the other two what's that excuse
18:31me oh a Shropshire lad collected poems of A.E. houseman oh I love this book I've treasured this book I've read
18:45this book it's it's seen me through some really bad times this book are you reading this book then
18:51oh yeah yeah you've marked it oh I can't tell you what this means to me I mean to meet someone who's
19:01on the same wavelength you know I've been going around a bend here you know I mean is the Sarge you
19:10know I mean he he's okay but he's more of your pipe and slippers brigade you know he's stuck in his
19:14ways and that's for ding dong yeah you know this is great this is marvelous I feel like we're really
19:31connected now you know I just feel like I know who you are I'm sorry what do I call you again Barry we
19:39can't call him Barry can we Barry's no good Norman Terrence Terrence Terrence yeah Terrence it is they
19:50now what about a surname now what about a surname Brown what Pritchard Lovell Bushy
19:55Sandra Reed Reed no no no he's not a Reed no he's what Oblong Oblong Oblong let's call him Terrence
20:07Oblong why why Oblong I've always liked that name Terry Oblong Terry Oblong it is now let's have a
20:19party to celebrate Terry Oblong starting work here wait wait a minute we haven't got any balloons no no
20:25you bring the balloons tomorrow oh I'll bring a record player and some beers and sandwiches Sarge
20:30it'll be great you know I reckon it could be the best thing that's ever happened to us hey
20:35sorry I'm late Sarge just as I was leaving the landlady collared me about a rent oh I've been up all day
20:48sorting through these and wondering what sort of music Terry would like you know jazz pop classical
20:55I mean it's really difficult to know in it and then I found it I mean the perfect record for Terry
21:02excerpts from a teenage opera by Keith West remember it grosser Jack grosser Jack is it true
21:09what mommy said you won't come back oh
21:15wait wait where's Terry then day Terry where's Terry he's gone lad go home what do you mean he's got
21:25what have you done with I haven't done anything with him they found up 10 minutes to go to say he
21:31wouldn't be in he's got another job another job why where he throw
21:40well good luck to the bloke Christ no good luck to him I mean you know I mean he got on didn't he
21:54you know one of us got on it's hard enough in it with all the obstacles people put in your path
21:59you know I mean you can't put the guy down for getting on can you you know no no best man one and
22:06all that good old Terry so what do we do now then well we keep on keeping on I suppose I suppose that's
22:20what we do hey Sarge keep on keeping on yeah best course of action I'll say ah come on now lads don't
22:27let's get downhearted let's make the best of things I mean we've got all this food balloons records
22:34what say we make a night of it eh how about a game of drafts I don't want a game of drafts ping pong
22:44let's have a game of ping pong I don't want to play ping pong
22:47oh no not another new boy can I stand the excitement I'm in come in whoever you are
23:17yeah
23:24at certain night the night we met there was magic abroad in the air like an echo far away a nightingale
23:40I may be right, I may be wrong, but I'm perfectly willing to swear
23:57That when you turned and smiled at me
24:04And I'd hear you sang in my heart, please wear
24:34I may be right, I may be right, I may be right
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