- 13/06/2025
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00:00.
00:30All right ironmonger hmm how many letters um ten all right what does it begin with oh i
00:55well write it down then no ironmonger begins with i that's the clue so put it down
01:05there's any room for six letters
01:09you have to spell it wrong all right uh v z
01:21so what you got this is books good good start good how does that help us with two down
01:31uh all right two down um fish four letters now begins with x xylophone xylophone fish
01:43now sink wouldn't it you know i'm not sure that books is right
01:53hey i'll tell you what why don't we think of another word that means ironmonger but only
01:57has six letters well that'd be cheating wouldn't it who's to know
02:04you're right me old pal we get through a few scrapes don't we yeah so where are we uh right
02:14ironmonger six letters oh got it harold
02:23harold yeah well he's an ironmonger isn't he harold the ironmonger remember
02:30we ate his dog all right yeah we bloody won that bet didn't we
02:36no we didn't that's why we had to eat his dog
02:41okay well harold it is right no hang on hang on harold only has five letters
02:47well i could make the her really big so that it filled out the first two squares
02:54are there any words dangling off the first two squares nope you're right there mate the only one
02:57we got so far is books all right bang it in buster right then
03:05well there's no room for the d oh for heaven's sake who prints these things
03:10what is the point of having a clue if it doesn't fit the little holes
03:14i think i'll just put bollocks no no no come on eddie let's do it properly or not at all
03:21all right then not at all god i hate crosswords we can't go on like this why did they take the
03:34telly away you know very well why they took the telly away no i don't yes you do edward hitler they
03:43took the telly away because according to you while you were wending your merry way down to the telly
03:48shop with the rent money you ran into a rather strange and wizened old man who sold you five
03:54magic beans which coincidentally cost exactly the 86 pound 23 we owed in back rent to rumbelows
04:05they are magic beans you know oh yes and here is the magic beanstalk
04:11well i'm glad i've got a head for heights because it's a whopper isn't it
04:19we shall we need big oxygen masks before we get to the top of that one won't we sir edmund
04:25well it wasn't me who let us get behind with the rental was it
04:29how did we get 86 pounds 23 pence behind in the first place all right all right let's change the
04:36subject it's irrelevant in fact i forgive you it wasn't me who bypassed rumbelows every week for
04:43the last three months saved up the 86 pounds 23 pence and took it five doors along to dr o'grady's
04:52personal organ enhancement clinic
04:55was it cup of tea eddie or some money we haven't got any money that's the problem hey i know let's
05:02have a no talking competition for a mere 85 pounds oh god for the beer 85 pounds you too can have your
05:11personal organ enhanced so that it is comparable in size to that of a fully grown mountain gorilla
05:17yes and when he said comparable in size i didn't realize he meant an awful lot smaller than what
05:24you mean it didn't work well i mean yes he did enhance it temporarily but when it said on the door
05:31revolutionary new enlargement technique i didn't realize he was just going to stick me in a cubicle
05:35for half an hour with a copy of razzle
05:4085 quid i could have been watching emmerdale farm now yeah then he could have got one for free
05:47all right all right look we're both to blame why don't we just stop talking about it and sit
05:56down nicely and watch the oh bugger oh come on eddie this is silly there must be more to life than telly
06:06you're right there isn't
06:16this is unbearable we could be missing a watchdog special on faulty bikinis oh don't
06:26right come on eddie we should try and be positive about the lack of telly we should treat this as an
06:30educational spiritual and cultural plus so tiddlywinks no no no we ended up in hospital last time
06:39remember true oh what a sad and tragic waste of a young attractive life
06:48oh hey that's it what about pin the tail on the donkey
07:01we haven't got a donkey well uh pin the tail on the chicken we haven't got a tail oh well pin the
07:07sausage on the chicken we haven't got a chicken oh pin the sausage on the fridge or a pin
07:13sellotape a sausage to the fridge we haven't got a sausage put a bit of sellotape on the fridge
07:25it's not much of a game is it what do you mean you have to do it blindfold
07:30but we haven't even got a blindfold well then we'll have to improvise won't we eddie
07:33okay all right give me a bit of sellotape and i shall stick it on the fridge here you are oh look
07:44out it's the last bit better be careful
07:46is that it then
08:05yeah who won
08:09eddie it matters not who won or lost but how you play the game oh you mean i won
08:13oh yes i suppose so yeah i mean if it's so important to you yes yes you did win i mean
08:19for heaven's sake it is only a game oh shit shit shit vd vd vd why do i bloody lose everything always
08:34so uh you think you're good at games do you big boy
08:38well what about a real game a game of champions the clash of the greek big minds the battle of the
08:49titans you don't mean yes i see how much custard you can hold in your underpants competition yeah no
08:58well that's a bloody good idea i might come on to that later if my idea doesn't work out
09:03although this time i really think we ought to let the custard cool down a little first and that
09:07handstand rule is a complete disaster apart from that bloody good game absolutely mind you you
09:13always have a considerable advantage because your underpants are so stupendously huge
09:18too right matey okay may the best man win
09:30so it's agreed then i'm the winner
09:37well i told you not to sit down
09:38right so you won the stick the piece of sellotape on the fridge competition and i won the custody
09:52pants tournament that makes it uh oh one all right time for a tiebreaker it's ten o'clock now
10:01probably missing a late show special on lesbian art
10:08how do you feel about trying your luck eddie no i'm not going out now
10:14even if i did score my underpants are all custody
10:18no i mean what about a game of chess chess
10:25we haven't got a chess set have we
10:26of course we have you silly billy there's my antique chess set that my great auntie dorothy left me
10:35i've got it safely under lock and key in my strong box because it's so valuable
10:42well don't look i'm getting my key from the secret place behind the radio
10:49come on a minute what's the key doing embedded in this cake of soap
10:52it's a bit dangerous isn't it someone could take a copy of it from that
10:59i must speak to the cleaning lady we haven't got a cleaning lady well then i must get one and speak to
11:04her oh here we are this chess set was at waterloo you know wellington played on it the night before
11:11the big fight all the men are carved out of antique ivory and they're worth 75 quid each according to my
11:17great-aunt dorothy eddie where have all the pieces gone
11:25pardon
11:27this is ridiculous there's only five pieces left
11:31well are you sure wellington put them all back when he'd finished
11:34well of course he did he wasn't a stupid man he invented the chelsea boot
11:38well never mind richie i'm sure we'll manage somehow i mean
11:42we are british after all yes that's right eddie that's the spirit oh i'd like to see some spick
11:51player game of chess with only five pieces right what color do you want to be black or white white
11:58right you win there are no black pieces left
11:59well that was fun what should we do now this time we play with a full deck
12:07we've only got five pieces we can use other things for the missing pieces oh great idea let's see we
12:13need 16 prawns well we're in luck there we've got a bag in the freezer that are four years past their
12:17sell-by date we can use those oh chess god i adore chess i should have been a chess champion
12:27if i'd spent my whole life learning how to play chess better than anyone else in the world i could
12:30have been the chess champion and i look a bit slavic don't you think
12:38what's this pot of crest doing in the fridge that's not crest that's like yogurt you started
12:41during the golf war well you could have told me might as well finish it oh yeah a bit of chess
12:49oh god if only i had a smoking jacket hang on
12:56it doesn't taste like banana and peach
13:08ta-da what do you think eddie i think you've got your raincoat on inside out
13:14are you off i thought we were playing chess no no no it's a smoking jacket look the quilting all the
13:19sophisticated people are wearing them well why have you got one on then anyway you don't smoke and nor
13:24does my jacket oh god i feel just like no wild today
13:32right here we go then now that can be the king well it has to be doesn't it i mean it's brown sauce
13:40cigarette my dear i don't mind if i do my dear i'm a bit of a biro to smoke it through oh tar very much
13:45hmm for your new play was great by the way oh there's only one thing better than having a great
13:53play and that's having two great plays that doesn't make any sense oscar i know none of my stuff does
13:59you know oh nice bit of barrow by the way to have any much
14:11nice
14:12right then all set a little unconventional but most of it's fresh oh oh eddie eddie this is so
14:29sophisticated isn't it i feel just like lord byron and that other bloke you know earl thingy with the
14:34long dressy on and the flappy stuff around his chin really because you look like a stupid git with
14:38his rain cut on inside out oh eddie this is fantastic chess is the best idea we ever had and it was one
14:44of mine wasn't it right this has got to be perfect it's just two guys no chicks it's just man to man
14:52cultured urbane civilized male stuff and i'm not being funny right what do we need twiglets you know
15:00high society stuff little dishes of nosy pics scattered around the place olives hey eddie you're
15:04catching on great idea uh we haven't got any olives what about prunes well they look like olives
15:11don't they and they make you regular dinner prunes coming right up mr myron right let's have a
15:16cocktail right what would james bond have well he'd have a load of birds around his gaff and a
15:22corset on so no one would guess he was 60. vodka martini that's it vodka martini shaken about the
15:31place but not spilt right now how do you make a vodka martini uh well it's got some vodka in it
15:37doesn't it and uh what about vodka and um martini or is that being too stupid we haven't got any
15:43vodka and we haven't got any martini oh well what have we got we've got a wee drop of perno and half a
15:49bottle of ouzo well that'll do nicely and don't forget to put a bit of salt around the rim i beg your
15:56pardon oh come on eddie i know what i'm talking about everybody in hollywood does it i think i'll
16:04just put a bit of salt around the edge of the glass if it's all the same to you
16:09perfect watching your tellies are you addling your brains we have an evening of culture and poetry and
16:19chess you know while you're sitting there vegetating in front of emmerdale farm you poor sad peasants
16:25what's happened by the way has matt sorted out that problem with amos into top field
16:31pardon no i have not it's a smoking jacket
16:34eddie it's a shame we have to live in this area it really is oh have we got any glass-aged cherries
16:49no another thing we have well bung a blob of marmalade in there no one will know
16:52a little taste
17:00right here you go skip mating me old flapper and the very best of luck to you and i mean that very very
17:04sincerely right cheers oh no before you start drinking as this is a special occasion and oh do
17:12you think we should dim the lights um well we haven't got a dimmer shall i get my hammer no no
17:19no we'll just narrow our eyes a bit right where are you i think i'm over here there you are right
17:26right now as i was saying as this is a special occasion and we've invented a new cocktail for
17:30ourselves perno ouzo marmalade and salt i think we should think of a special name for it what do you
17:36think what about the uh the bloody awful oh come on eddie take it seriously got it the ester ranson
17:48why because it pulls your gums back over your teeth
17:52all right then the ester ranson it is cheers
17:58and on tonight's program an interesting misprint that says penis
18:10oh see what you mean yeah of course it's sort of lacking something isn't it uh
18:16have we got any umbrellas coming right up
18:26here we go
18:29oh this is the life eddie sophisticated living gentlemen's rooms yes here we are underneath our
18:37umbrellas drinking ouzo and salt each behind his line of frozen prawns
18:43that's what i love about you richie what you're completely insane
18:48oh gosh i feel great of course you know why i never got married don't you yep yeah tragic isn't it no
19:01right shall we get started right oh no wait i know what we need music of course what could
19:10be better what we have james last to bert baccarat oh molly air molly air oh he could bash out a tune or two
19:19tum tum tiddly tum tum tum tum tum
19:23and the other twigly bits he was scottish you know who vivaldi
19:28oh eddie i'm talking about composers honestly it's football football football with you isn't it
19:34hey do you remember that night those girls turned up
19:36no yeah it's a shame wasn't it mind you they bloody nearly did i feel your mistake richie was in
19:45turning out the lights on the steps and shouting out grab hold of this it's the banisters
19:49worth a try eddie worth a try great days no they weren't no they weren't were they
20:00we have to say that don't you come on great days great days yes they were come on let's go out
20:09i thought we were playing chess mr bond oh yes chess wonderful chess oh hey did i ever tell you about
20:16that time my great uncle roderick drowned in the young google river no oh good it's rather
20:20embarrassing oh right let's get on oh i feel great oh let's go dance oh richie sit down you're
20:28getting over excited oh yes right yes of course sit down yeah good idea okay this is it everything's
20:38ready are you ready eddie yep right all set oh one more thing what
20:46how do you actually play chess you don't know how to play chess well no oh but i know how to ride a
20:56bike so i'm sure i'll pick it up pretty quick you know just tell me which pieces of mine which way
21:00around the board we go do we get any money or anything
21:08all right let's just go through the rules one more time and then we can start properly
21:14oh how does the racehorse move again it's not a racehorse it's a knight
21:23where's the knight then well he must have fallen off
21:29that's not much of a knight then is he look just put it back please all right all right
21:33and that one's called a rook yes why does it nest in trees no it's a castle but it's called a rook
21:46yes some people call it a rook well which people blind ones
21:54yes oh i see i see what
21:59but the castle can move you say that's right even though it hasn't got any legs
22:05yes it's not very likely is it eddie and this this is also a bishop you say
22:15yes and he bends sideways correct well there's no surprise there
22:22i wonder what the church is coming to these days right let me get this sorted out now the bench vicar
22:29stands next to the queen
22:32and the queen goes in every direction
22:37that's right
22:39and they let children play this you say
22:41i mean it's pretty strong stuff isn't it eddie you know knights taking prawns and and apparently
22:50if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen
22:54shut up richie and play the game okay okay let's go hey i know let's pretend that i'm james bond right
23:01and you're you're one of the baddies you know q or whoever and if i lose i have to die
23:05fair enough yeah great yeah we should have loads and loads of birds around the place you know
23:14all like ursula andrus you know and everyone's in bikinis yeah i tell you what shall i get some
23:18of my magazines out richie i've been here since 10 o'clock last night it's now five o'clock in the
23:25morning we've finished off the perno the ouzo the old spice even the industrial strength floor cleaner
23:34three liters of it i've explained the rules of chess to you 124 times and i'm buggered if i'm gonna
23:41let you delay the game another 10 minutes while you scan through a few back copies of amateur photographer
23:48okay right kings brawn to kings brawn 4
23:58why do you have to do that shut up as you move
24:03my move okay
24:17Yes, yes.
24:47Am I black or white?
24:51You're black!
24:52Who?
24:53You're those ones there!
24:55The ones next to you!
24:57What?
24:58That'll make you move!
24:59All right, all right.
25:00Don't hustle me.
25:01I know your tactics.
25:03OK, right, this is it.
25:04What would Napoleon do?
25:06Lose the Battle of Waterloo.
25:07That's no good to me.
25:09Right, this is it.
25:10Only one thing for it.
25:11Attack!
25:12Attack!
25:13Over the top, lads!
25:14Charge!
25:15Get him back!
25:16No, leave me here!
25:17My arms and legs have come off!
25:18Oh, the blood!
25:19Oh, the horror!
25:20I'm getting out of here!
25:21Shoot that prawn!
25:22Right, everybody!
25:23Follow me!
25:24I can't follow you.
25:25I'm a bishop.
25:26I have to go sideways!
25:28Ohh.
25:29Ahhh!
25:30Ahh!
25:31Err!
25:32Hurray!
25:33It's the Queen's own ketchup!
25:34Err!
25:35Err!
25:36Err!
25:37Err!
25:38Err!
25:39Err!
25:40Err!
25:41Err!
25:42Hurray!
25:43It's the Queen's own ketchup!
25:44Err!
25:45Err!
25:46Err!
25:47Er!
25:48Err!
25:49Err!
25:50That's your move is it get out of that one Rommel
26:20Checkmate
26:50Checkmate
27:11Checkmate
27:15Checkmate
27:19You know it's funny they say the television encourages violence and I'm smashing his face in and we haven't caught one
27:39Well that's where he's wrong listeners because in fact we do have a telly and here it is
27:44Well where did that come from? It was behind the fridge all the time I hid it when the chaps from Rumbelows came round
27:51Well why didn't you tell me? I could have been watching television all night
27:54Well I don't know I thought it would be interesting you know to spend an evening without the telly for once
27:58We could chat a bit more you know it's good for our relationship to get a bit of interaction going
28:05Well if it's interaction you want
28:09We could have a couple out of this matey
28:16Thank you
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