- 13/06/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00.
00:30MUSIC PLAYS
00:44Woo!
00:45Woo-hoo!
00:48Right, now, this is definitely the last ride of the evening, Eddie.
00:51We've had more than enough fun for one night,
00:53working our way through all the stalls and attractions.
00:56Besides which, I think I'm about up to my three quid limit.
01:00How much did this ride cost, by the way?
01:02Three quid.
01:04There you are, you see, I was right.
01:06I'd just like another go on that throwing the darts at the cards thingy.
01:10Yes, yes, well, that stall's closed now, isn't it?
01:13Got the proprietor's in the eye hospital.
01:15Oh, yes.
01:17And the waltz has closed as well, hasn't it?
01:20Yes.
01:21I had no idea I'd eaten so much.
01:25It went everywhere, didn't it?
01:27You looked like a sprinkler as you went round.
01:31It was really, actually, very attractive.
01:33Yeah.
01:34I was awfully lucky to have that pensioner to stand behind.
01:37Yeah.
01:38She was furious.
01:40You whizzed round three times and she looked like the creature from a swamp.
01:42I'm not sure all that was mine, you know.
01:47I don't remember eating all those horrible lumps of gristle.
01:51No, no, no, no.
01:52That was her face, Eddie.
01:53Well, at least I feel better now.
01:56That's the main thing.
01:57Yes, that's the main thing.
01:58Which is surprising, really, considering the ghost train unpleasantness.
02:04Oh, yeah, that was nasty, wasn't it?
02:06Yeah.
02:07It wasn't coming out of your mouth that time, was it?
02:09Well, they shouldn't make him so scary, should they?
02:13Well, it's a lot more scary now, I can tell you.
02:15You have to put on a gas mask to get in there now.
02:18I was lucky the bloke sitting next to me passed out.
02:21Otherwise, I'd never have got his trousers.
02:24How do they fit, by the way?
02:26Not bad, not bad.
02:28You know, I'm not sure he was a bona fide bloke, you know.
02:35Got a sort of skirty feel to them, these trousers, haven't they?
02:38I think he may have been Scottish.
02:41Oh, oh, oh, well, that's all right, then.
02:44Yes, ock-eye, whoops-a-daisy.
02:45Yes, the Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
02:48That's right.
02:50Oh, they are, we're moving.
02:51Hold on tight, for God's sake, don't foul yourself again.
02:54Here we go, start screaming.
02:55What, is that it?
03:02Well, that's ridiculous, it's just a complete rip-off.
03:05I paid three quid for that ride.
03:07It's bad enough two juveniles like us, I mean, to pay full price.
03:09Now, calm down, Richie, they're just letting some more people on.
03:13What? Are they?
03:14Oh, yes, yes, yes, I...
03:16Good, I knew that.
03:19Oh, hey, Eddie.
03:20Yeah?
03:20Maybe it's those birds that have been following us around all night.
03:23What, Mertz?
03:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't look.
03:28It'll show them that we fancy them, and that we're keen.
03:31Yeah?
03:32Well, we are.
03:34Yes, I know that, but we don't want them to know.
03:37Why not?
03:40Because then they'll know that we fancy them.
03:42Then we'll get off with them.
03:43Then we'll go back to their places and do it on them.
03:47Yeah?
03:50Oh, yeah!
03:51Oh, yeah, I can see your point.
03:53Well, it's this new skirt.
03:54It rucks up very easily.
03:55Come on, Eddie.
04:00Come on, Eddie.
04:00This is it.
04:01Yeah?
04:01Let's wave at them and wink and stuff and let them know we're on.
04:04I know.
04:05Oh, Eddie.
04:05Yeah?
04:06How do I look?
04:07You use your eyeballs, don't you?
04:09Oh, yeah, that's right.
04:10Eyeballs, eyeballs.
04:11OK, right.
04:12All set.
04:13Yeah.
04:13Sexy faces on.
04:16Let's ogle them.
04:19Hey, hang on, Richie.
04:21Richie, how do we know which one's whose?
04:24Oh, well, mine's a cracker.
04:27What's mine like?
04:29Not bad.
04:30Not bad.
04:31Not as many legs as the other one.
04:33There's a shame about the beard.
04:35Apart from that, smashing.
04:38Are you sure she's not a bloke?
04:41What do you mean, a bloke?
04:42I know a bird when I see one.
04:44Was she smoking a pipe?
04:47Yeah.
04:47And is she called Keith?
04:51Yeah.
04:52You fool, that's Keith and Deidre.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Keith's your bird and Deidre's mine.
04:59Mine's the one with the little blue miniskirt and the tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs.
05:02Now, it's Keith and Deidre from the Lamb and Flag Mixed Doubles Nudie Tag Mud Wrestling Team.
05:09Oh, yeah?
05:09Well, why was she giving me the eye all night?
05:12Eh?
05:13Not the glass one, the other one.
05:16And how come the bird with the beard kept pointing at you?
05:18Because he's Keith.
05:20One-legged mad dog, Keith McFrenzy.
05:23And I owe him 50 quid.
05:25He's been chasing me for 17 years.
05:27Why do you think I always get mumps during mud wrestling week?
05:32Look, they don't call me the Hammersmith Crumpet Radar for nothing.
05:37I'll tell you, one look at me and she was screaming for my underwear.
05:41She is blind!
05:45Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
05:50Well, she obviously just sensed my musky sort of smell.
05:55Yes, we've all been sensing your sort of musky smell for nigh on 40 years.
06:03When will you buy another shirt?
06:07This is an original van der Huyzen.
06:11Yeah, it's the original van der Huyzen.
06:15Haven't had a wash since 1963.
06:17Well, if you had the common decency
06:19to go out and get yourself a proper job
06:21and not hang around the flat all day like some vast slug,
06:25then perhaps I would have the opportunity
06:27to take my top off and wash it
06:29without the risk of you seeing my nipples.
06:43Oh, isn't this bloody ride working?
06:45We've been on it for at least bloody three minutes.
06:47Well, look, it is the tallest Ferris wheel in Western Europe, Richie.
06:50It takes a while to get everyone on board.
06:55Hey, the lights have gone out.
06:58That's weird, isn't it?
06:59Hey, maybe it's a love Ferris wheel.
07:05Hey, they're not letting anyone else on Eddie.
07:08In fact, Eddie, we're the only ones on the whole ride.
07:12In fact, it looks like they're closing up for the night.
07:21I was enjoying that.
07:24Reminded me of my dad's funeral.
07:27I say!
07:28I say!
07:30Oh, thank God they've seen us.
07:32They're waving.
07:33They're not using all their fingers.
07:38Yes, yes.
07:39Hello!
07:42I say!
07:43What time does the ride start?
07:46Uh-huh!
07:47Yeah!
07:48Uh-huh!
07:50Yeah, yeah!
07:51Yeah!
07:52I can't understand a word he's saying.
07:55Yeah!
07:55I don't think he's actually saying anything.
07:58I think he's just sort of swearing indiscriminately and running off towards the gate.
08:02What?
08:03That's outrageous!
08:04I say!
08:05Uh-huh!
08:06Uh-huh!
08:07Bloody...
08:08What is it you shout in the slums?
08:10Uh-huh!
08:11Aggie, Aggie, Aggie!
08:13Oh, yes, you've got his attention now.
08:15Now, look here!
08:16I used to live in Bromley.
08:18Hey, he's picking something up.
08:19Yep, and that's a pretty wild place, you know.
08:21Yeah, they've all got something now.
08:23And I picked up one or two tips on punch-ups while I was down there.
08:26Duck!
08:26Where?
08:29Hey, good shot, mister.
08:31Give yourself a goldfish.
08:34Look out.
08:34Here comes some more.
08:35What?
08:41I don't understand.
08:43What did we do?
08:44What did we do?
08:47Well, it's your fault for touching up the burly Ferris wheel attendant.
08:51I thought she was a girl.
08:53They were pectorals, you fool.
08:57She had an earring.
08:58Yeah, through her foreskin.
09:02Yes, which I found out later, much to my distress.
09:06Anyway, I don't care what you say.
09:09She still had one hell of a cleavage.
09:10It was like strolling through the Alps.
09:16I think it's all over now.
09:17They're all sort of going away.
09:20In fact, everyone's going away.
09:23I think the whole fair is closing down.
09:26Like a complete bastard!
09:29They can't treat me like this.
09:30My mother used to make sandwiches for the Hammersmith Conservative Association.
09:34Yeah, but no one ever used to eat them, did they?
09:37They did.
09:38They did.
09:38What about that bloke who got the convulsions and the permanent brain damage?
09:42Well, he's president of the Board of Trade now, isn't he?
09:44Absolutely.
09:45They can't treat us like this.
09:47Now, look here, you roustabouts.
09:50I've got a photographic memory.
09:53And I'm going to memorise all of you.
10:00Well, I certainly remember that.
10:03Right, Eddie.
10:04Write down the details for the police inquiry.
10:06They're not going to get away with this.
10:07But, uh, Edward Elizabeth Hitler and myself were sitting down peacefully in a northerly direction
10:15at precisely, uh, knackers.
10:18What's the time, Eddie?
10:19Um, it's, um...
10:22Hang on.
10:23That's my watch.
10:25Uh, yes, I just thought I'd bring it along for you.
10:29My special gold watch, the family heirloom,
10:32the one that Grandpa Willis found on that body in the Somme.
10:35Yeah, so I just thought you might need to, you know, know the time.
10:40Thanks, Eddie.
10:41Ah, right.
10:42And precisely 3.30...
10:43That can't be right, can it?
10:47It's awfully light, Eddie.
10:48Yeah, well, I took the innards out.
10:50Um, because it was ever so heavy, wasn't it?
10:53It was making a little dint in your waistcoat pocket, wasn't it?
10:56I've got rid of them at that antique, clocky sort of place.
10:59Have you seen my new motorbike?
11:01Now, hang on, Eddie, shut up about motorbikes.
11:03I think you might have bished here.
11:04I mean, if he doesn't want any innards,
11:07how are we going to know what the time is?
11:09Well, it's obviously midnight, isn't it?
11:11How do you work that out?
11:12Because the fair closes at midnight and the fair's closed.
11:15Oh, my.
11:16The fair's closed.
11:19The fair's closed!
11:20The fair's closed!
11:21Eddie!
11:21Eddie!
11:22The fair's closed!
11:23And we're stuck 350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel!
11:26Yes, it's a living nightmare.
11:32Don't panic!
11:33Don't panic!
11:35Don't panic, Mr Manwearing!
11:38Right.
11:39Come on, Richie.
11:40Eddie!
11:41Take all your clothes off and knot them together.
11:44Knot what together?
11:46I've got it!
11:47Right.
11:48This is where the old commando training comes in handy.
11:50Yeah.
11:51I wish I'd had some.
11:53Right.
11:54I'm going to go off and get help.
11:55Would you be all right on your own?
11:57Yes.
11:57There's a full-page advert for odd bins here.
12:00It's got pictures and everything.
12:01I should be all right for an hour or two.
12:04Off I go.
12:10Eddie.
12:11Well, that was quick.
12:13What did the rescue people say?
12:15No, no, no.
12:15I haven't quite done that bit yet.
12:17Oh, Eddie.
12:18Hmm?
12:18If I fall and plunge 350 feet and splatter on the ground,
12:23will you, you know...
12:27What, laugh?
12:29No, no, no, no.
12:30Point and laugh?
12:31No.
12:33Eddie.
12:33Eddie.
12:34Will you scatter my ashes over Queen's Park Rangers football ground?
12:38No!
12:40Thanks.
12:41Right.
12:42See you later.
12:46Look at that.
12:47Gordon's gin, one litre.
12:50Hello, baby.
12:59Right.
13:10Your turn.
13:11What do you mean, my turn?
13:15Well, it needs someone less sensitive than me.
13:17Well, bollocks, mate.
13:18I'm not going up there.
13:23Oh, look, Eddie.
13:25Your pint's empty.
13:27I'd better just nip to the bar before they close.
13:29Um, can I get you anything?
13:33Oh, that's kind.
13:34Oh, no, I'll just have a baby sham.
13:36Right, got any money?
13:37What?
13:38Vegan!
13:39Ha, ha, ha, ha!
13:40Oh, let's see.
13:44Right, back in a jiffy.
13:45Back in a jiffy?
13:49Don't be so foul!
13:51I wonder if they do a delivery service.
14:08Oh, God, we're trapped, aren't we?
14:11We're bloody trapped!
14:13Oh, God!
14:14Oh, God!
14:15This is just like the Poseidon adventure.
14:18Hey, why don't we just jump and use your voluminous trousers as a parachute?
14:24No, no, no good, Eddie.
14:25I've got my P.E. knickers on.
14:28Still, it's 25 years since you left school.
14:31Shh, shh, shh!
14:32My sister lives round here.
14:33She might hear.
14:35What's she like?
14:36My sister?
14:37She's just like me.
14:38Only with smaller jugs.
14:39Oh.
14:40Come on, Eddie, we're going to have to think of something else.
14:42That's all right.
14:45Oh, God, I can't take any more of this!
14:48I'm going crazy, I tell you!
14:49Crazy!
14:50I've got to get out of here!
14:51I've got to get out of here!
14:53Oh, just calm down!
14:54Calm down!
14:55Calm down!
15:00Thanks, Eddie.
15:02I'm sorry about that.
15:03It's all right.
15:04I don't know what came over me.
15:07Thanks.
15:08I feel better now.
15:09Hey, Rich!
15:09Yeah?
15:13What was that for?
15:14I was just making sure.
15:19Thanks, mate.
15:23You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change
15:35the way I live.
15:35I'll get back to the other side of this one.
15:36I'll go.
15:37I'll go.
15:38I'll go.
15:38I'll go.
15:39I'll go.
15:40I'll get back to Blighty.
15:41I'll find myself a piece of land.
15:43I'll find myself a beautiful woman.
15:46Heck, maybe even raise some kids.
15:48Ah, quit dreaming
15:53We're not going to pull through to the other end of this one, Skip
15:57You've got to dream, Eddie
16:01You've got to hold on to the dream
16:04Can I ask you a question?
16:08Shoot from the hip, Eddie, that's always been his time
16:10What's your question?
16:13Well, I guess it's kind of out of left field
16:16But my question is this
16:19Yeah
16:20Why are we talking such complete and utter bollocks?
16:28I don't know, Eddie, I guess it's...
16:30Oh, shut up, shut up!
16:34Yeah
16:34Yeah
16:35Well, I guess we're all shut up in our way
16:39Shut up, shut up, shut up!
16:42You know
16:43Alright, that's it!
16:46I hate that bollocks
16:57Yeah, me too
17:00Sorry about the bollocks, Eddie
17:03Oh, God, I'm bored
17:19How long have we been here now?
17:22About seven minutes
17:24God
17:26It feels like eight and a half minutes
17:30Hey, Richard, look at this
17:33Remember that stalk margarine competition we entered?
17:37Yeah
17:37We didn't win it
17:40What?
17:42Well, who did?
17:43Slip Digby
17:44Slipped Digby
17:46The organist?
17:47Well, that's not what they called him in court
17:49Well, what was his winning caption?
17:54I like stalk margarine because...
17:57I've only got one leg
17:59Not bad
18:08Lever bastard
18:09Yeah
18:10Why didn't we think of that one?
18:13Well, I told you we weren't going to get far with I like stalk margarine
18:16because I've enclosed a fiver
18:17Mons the word
18:18Yeah, well, we never posted it, did we?
18:22There wasn't a lot of point, you took the fiver out, didn't you?
18:24Look, Rich, there's an article about the Ferris wheel in this week's beautiful
18:29Not only is it the tallest, it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in Western Europe
18:34Look, it's all here in this article entitled
18:37Illegal Death Trap Wheel to Close Tonight
18:40Whole area declared danger zone and boarded up to await detonation
18:46It's all wired up and ready to go
18:49What?
18:50And it's too expensive to dismantle, so they're just going to blow it up
18:54When?
18:58First thing tomorrow morning
18:59Sort of spare underpants time, really, isn't it?
19:06Help!
19:07Help!
19:08Look, there's nothing for it
19:10We're just going to have to wait until an aeroplane comes, right, and try and attract its attention
19:14Yes!
19:14Okay?
19:15Yes!
19:16Oh, here comes one
19:17So you had the egg
19:30Oh, look, Eddie
19:35Here comes the helicopter
19:36Hello?
19:37Hello?
19:38Hello?
19:39Hello?
19:40Is that a police chopper?
19:41No, I think one of them's just left his truncheon sticking out the door
19:44Yeah, look, he's got a side handle
19:47Hello?
19:48I say?
19:49I say?
19:50They can't see us
19:53They've gone
19:55If only we had something to illuminate us
19:59If only we had some flares
20:00This is no time to make a fashion statement
20:04Will it be blown up at dawn?
20:07No, no, no
20:07I mean distressed flares
20:09Well, like the one Susie Quattro used to wear
20:11Will you stop it with the crap flares joke?
20:14Right, right
20:15Right
20:16Okay
20:17Have you got any alcohol on you?
20:18Hey, that's a good idea
20:19Let's drink ourselves to death
20:21Then we won't notice
20:22Give it to me
20:23Give it to me
20:24All right
20:25What's in this?
20:30Brandy
20:30Good
20:31Meths
20:32Perno
20:33Paint stripper
20:34Mr. Sheen
20:35Brake fluid
20:36And Drambuie
20:37Drambuie?
20:43Yeah, yeah, yeah
20:44All right
20:45You've got to put something in for the birds, haven't you?
20:48Oh, jeez
20:49How are you alive?
20:53I may very well not be
20:55Well, anyway, this is going to bloody work
20:59Right, look
21:00We stuff that in there
21:01Yes
21:01Right
21:01We wait for the next chopper to come along
21:03Set fire to it, right
21:04Bug it right up in the air
21:06Where it bursts
21:07And illuminates us
21:09May I voice just a small note of caution?
21:13No time, Eddie
21:14Here comes the chopper now
21:15Here goes
21:18Wait for it to burst
21:20Wait for it to burst
21:22We have it look out
21:24I thought you said it was going to illuminate us
21:31Looks more like it's going to incinerate us
21:33Well, you can't get much more illuminated than being on fire, can you?
21:36Come on, wave your arms
21:38Chad, help
21:39Is this help, help, I'm stuck on the top of a ferris wheel or help, help, I'm burning to death?
21:45Oh, will you stop whinging? At least we're warm now
21:49Well, hot now
21:50Well, being roasted alive now
21:53Bloody hell, Eddie
21:54Put it out with your coat
21:55I can't do that
21:57It's got 50 quits worth of miniature sewn into the lining
21:59The whole body should go up
22:01Emergency bitter
22:03No!
22:05Yes!
22:06No!
22:07Bye-bye, baby!
22:10I will never, ever, ever forget you for this
22:24Thanks, Eddie
22:25What for?
22:27Hey, we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we?
22:30If I hadn't been so crazily heroic in stamping out the inferno, that never would have happened
22:50Bonnocks! You're just overweight
22:52Do you dare call me overweight, young man?
22:57Oh, blimey!
23:05Oh, blimey!
23:06Scars!
23:07Splats my sausages!
23:09Cool, yummy!
23:11Christmas pudding!
23:13Blood and stomach pills!
23:16Hey, Eddie
23:17What?
23:18We know how to swear, us two, don't we?
23:20You hit the c** right on the nail there, you c*****ing bastard.
23:26Oh, God, that was frightening.
23:28My whole life flashed before me.
23:30It was sort of one long, relentless collage of grey.
23:34Dispersed with visits to the lab.
23:38Eddie, what?
23:40If we killed ourselves, we could cheat fate.
23:44Yeah.
23:46I don't think we actually want to piss fate off at the moment.
23:50This is it, then, Eddie.
24:00Yes, I suppose so.
24:03Any last regrets?
24:06Only that I didn't have a lavvy before we got on the ride.
24:09How about you?
24:11No, I had one just after we got on.
24:13I think that's what caused the electrics to go, you know.
24:17Oh, this is it.
24:19Yes.
24:20Oh, I wish...
24:22I just wish...
24:24I just wish my life had just...
24:26just...
24:27just been completely different.
24:29Still, I did my bit for the country.
24:32What, you stayed in the town?
24:33Absolutely.
24:34You know, I think I might come back as a bra.
24:42What?
24:43Well, all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.
24:45When did you become a Buddhist?
24:46About five seconds ago.
24:47And may I say it has completely changed my life.
24:48Eddie.
24:49You can't come back as a bra.
24:50That's just stupid.
24:51You've got to come back as something organic.
24:52All right, I'm only a beginner, you know.
24:53All right, then I'll come back as a...
24:54Claudia Schieffer.
24:55She's seriously organic.
24:56Yes.
24:57And then, when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely
24:58soaked.
24:59And then I'd run back into a bra and say it has completely changed my life.
25:02Eddie.
25:03You can't come back as a bra.
25:04That's just stupid.
25:05You've got to come back as something organic.
25:06All right, I'm only a beginner, you know.
25:07All right, then I'll come back as, er...
25:08Claudia Schieffer.
25:09She's seriously organic.
25:10Yes.
25:11And then, when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely
25:23soaked.
25:24And then I'd run back indoors and I'd look at myself and say, ooh, look, you're all wet.
25:29You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror.
25:32But you'd be a bird.
25:35Yeah.
25:36But she wouldn't know that.
25:38Wait.
25:39Wait.
25:40Wait.
25:41Wait.
25:42Wait.
25:43Wait.
25:44Let me get this straight.
25:45You have taken the ancient wisdom of the Hoodism and perverted it into a dastardly scheme
25:48whereby you take over the brain of a supermodel just so as you can get a quick ogle at her
25:52Norks.
25:53Yeah.
25:54That's about the size of it.
25:55It's a bloody good plan, isn't it?
25:57Yeah.
25:58Hey.
25:59It's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing.
26:00I think I'll come back as Danny Minogue.
26:03Yeah.
26:04They are.
26:05I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer in a bar full of mirrors.
26:09Yeah.
26:10And after that, I'm going to come back as a giraffe.
26:12Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:14A giraffe?
26:15Yeah.
26:16Well, then I'd have my head up above the trees, wouldn't I?
26:19And I'd be able to keep a really good lookout for any supermodels taking topless helicopter
26:23lessons.
26:24Yeah.
26:25All right!
26:26Hey!
26:27Have you got any Buddhist figures down there?
26:29Got any papers so he can sign up?
26:31Whoa!
26:32Oh!
26:37Things are looking bleak.
26:39Well spotted, Eddie.
26:41Right.
26:42That's it.
26:43Time's up.
26:44I think we'd better start praying.
26:45Who to?
26:46Buddha?
26:47No.
26:48No.
26:49None of that old supermodel cobblers.
26:50The real thing.
26:51Good old C of E.
26:52Woo!
26:56Eddie!
26:57Oh, Lord.
27:02Oh, Lordy.
27:03Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
27:04Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
27:05Looks a'lordy.
27:06Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
27:07Way down on that old swanny river.
27:10Here, I'll bring.
27:12Help!
27:15Help!
27:22It's a miracle.
27:26Miracle
27:30Nice one
27:34Very nice one nice beard too. Oh
27:39Hang on rich what although we and indeed the whole BBC respect people's rights to believe in whatever they wish
27:48Because we don't want to get into the shit on this one
27:50You don't actually believe in God doing no shit
28:20Oh
28:50You
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