- 13/06/2025
Category
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FunTranscript
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00:54And this is for Ritty, who's been a good little boy.
00:59And this is for it.
01:03Enough said.
01:05Right, where's the sherry?
01:06Ha!
01:08Ha!
01:09Ha!
01:12Typical.
01:14Never mind.
01:16Sweet dreams, little boy.
01:18Hoo-hoo-hoo!
01:21Ha-ha-ha!
01:24Ho!
01:25Ha!
01:26Ha!
01:29Ha!
01:31Hu!
01:32Hu!
01:36Hu!
01:38Ha!
01:39Ha!
01:45Merry Christmas Santa!
01:47Cut me down, Eddie! I mean, little boy.
01:51It'll cost you ten quid, Richie.
01:53I'm not Richie. I'm Santa Claus. Oh, oh, oh!
01:57All right, then, it'll cost you ten quid, Santa Claus.
02:00Oh, all right, then. Here you are.
02:02Oh, God, I don't know why I bother every year the same.
02:05There you are.
02:06Ta, very much.
02:13Now, that was a particularly nasty fall.
02:18And the season's greetings to you, too, little fellow.
02:21Ho, ho, ho!
02:22Ho, ho, ho!
02:23Christ, I think I've broken my leg!
02:31Merry Christmas, Eddie!
02:33I thought I heard sleigh bells. Has he been?
02:36Oh, he has!
02:38Oh, joy, oh, joy! Let's open our presents.
02:43Oh, look!
02:44Mine's bigger than yours.
02:46That must mean I've been a nicer boy than you.
02:48Richie, go back to bed. It's only half past three.
02:51I told you, no present opening till half past seven.
02:54Come on.
02:55Let's see what Santa's brought us.
02:57Ooh!
02:59Ooh!
03:00It's a...
03:01It's a...
03:02It's...
03:03It's a...
03:04Brussels sprout!
03:05Hey, that should come in handy for Christmas lunch.
03:13Ooh!
03:14It's a...
03:15It's a...
03:16It's...
03:17It's another Brussels sprout!
03:19Thought so.
03:20Hey, we must have enough for a whole Christmas lunch now.
03:23Good old Santa, he thinks of everything.
03:26Right.
03:27Now, that's present number 113.
03:30Another Brussels sprout.
03:33Ah!
03:34Mustn't forget the thank you letter list.
03:35Don't want Santa to think we're ungrateful, Eddie.
03:37Eddie?
03:38Oh, Eddie, you've fallen asleep again!
03:41Come on, wake up!
03:42Aren't you going to open your stocky?
03:44Well, I would.
03:46But there doesn't seem to be much in this small child's sock.
03:49Oh, surprise, surprise.
03:51Perhaps you haven't been a very good little boy.
03:54Did you post my letter to Father Christmas?
03:57Cos I can't seem to find the star bird I asked for.
04:00Or me Batman cape.
04:02Or the ticket to the Bahamas.
04:04Great heavens, Eddie, you can't expect Santa Claus
04:06to put expensive gift items like that in your stocking.
04:09Why, you ought to.
04:10Cos I signed the letter,
04:12Eddie Hitler.
04:13Brackets.
04:14I know where you live, so don't piss about.
04:18Elves break easy, matey boy.
04:23All right.
04:28Now, come on.
04:29It's time.
04:30Let's get our big ones out.
04:32Oh, yes, tee-hee.
04:33Big Christmas joke.
04:34A bit like, do you like stuffing?
04:37Now, come on.
04:38I mean, what have you got me?
04:40Here you go, Richie.
04:46Well, aren't you going to open it?
04:48No, I don't think I'll bother.
04:50Why not? What's wrong with it?
04:51Well, it's about 20 times too small, isn't it?
04:54It's the thought that counts.
04:56No, it's not. It's the size that counts.
04:58Don't you ever read Cosmopolitan?
05:00Well, it's a bit difficult too, because they're all hidden under your mattress.
05:04All right, that'll do, that'll do.
05:06Let's try and keep it festive, shall we?
05:08God, I hate Christmas.
05:10Let's get on with it. Let's be nice.
05:12I thought you said you were going to get me something sun-kissed and exotic.
05:15And I have. Just open it.
05:19It's a miniature bottle of Malibu.
05:22No correction, it's an empty miniature bottle of Malibu.
05:25Correct.
05:26Merry Christmas, Richie.
05:28Well, what use is that?
05:30Well, you can use it to keep Malibu in.
05:33As long as you keep it away from me.
05:35Right, that's it.
05:36Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
05:39I was only joking.
05:40It's good for morale.
05:42Look.
05:44Here's your big one.
05:46Oh.
05:47Oh, Eddie, you haven't.
05:49You haven't.
05:51Oh, you haven't.
05:53What do you mean?
05:55Well, it's empty, isn't it?
05:56No, it's not.
05:57Oh, no, beg your pardon.
05:58There's a toilet roll in here.
06:00A used toilet roll.
06:02That is not a used toilet roll.
06:05That is a play telescope.
06:09I've drawn a picture of Sue Carpenter
06:11in a bikini on the beach at one end.
06:14Hey, that's bloody good, Eddie.
06:26Why's she got five legs?
06:29No, that's her hand.
06:31She's waving its perspective.
06:33Hello, Richie.
06:35Oh, yes, that's bloody good.
06:37Hey.
06:39She's only got one knocker.
06:41No, that's not a knocker.
06:42That's a speech bubble.
06:44She's talking to you.
06:46Oh, yes, there she is.
06:48Thick earth.
06:49You sad, pathetic winker.
07:00I wonder what she means.
07:02Well, where's mine?
07:04Well, alright!
07:06Dah, dah, dah, dah!
07:07Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, da!
07:09Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah dah!
07:11Dah, dah!
07:13What is it?
07:18Well, it's a picture.
07:20Oh, a picture.
07:21Ah, a picture?
07:22One of.
07:24Me?
07:26A self-portrait?
07:27Don't you like it?
07:29Well, it's bollocks, isn't it?
07:32No, it's not. It's one of mine.
07:35Although he is awfully good.
07:37We just have a similar style.
07:39In fact, a lot of people say that my work looks like bollocks.
07:42Come on, let's go downstairs and see where we can hang it.
07:45I thought it could go next to the dining room table.
07:47Yes, well, that should help me lose a lot of weight.
07:50Hey, we can stick it in the toilet.
07:52Hmm, not a bad idea.
07:54I doubt if the flush mechanism could handle it, though.
07:57What?
07:59I've got the perfect place for it.
08:03Er...
08:05Right a bit, I think.
08:08Er... left, left a bit, down a bit, down a bit.
08:12Yeah, hold it there.
08:13Right.
08:14Yep, that's just about dandy.
08:20Yep, that looks lovely.
08:22You're a filicide, Edward Hitler.
08:23That's your problem.
08:24It took me 15 minutes to paint that.
08:25Gah!
08:26Seven o'clock.
08:27Another 27 hours of Christmas to go.
08:28I don't think I'm going to survive it.
08:29I'll have to blank out in front of the telly.
08:30You hold that finger right there, young man.
08:31No-one in this house watches the telly until the Queen's speech.
08:33But it's Noel's Christmas family video accidents.
08:34I don't care.
08:35We're English here.
08:36We're going to do Christmas properly.
08:37All right?
08:38Well, unless there's a Bond film on, obviously.
08:39Okay, now let's keep it Christmassy.
08:40Right now, look, there's only five hours till lunch.
08:41I've got to get my sprouts on.
08:42Don't want them all crunchy.
08:43Not sprouts.
08:44I hate sprouts.
08:45I hate sprouts.
08:46I don't think I'll survive it.
08:47I don't think I'll survive it.
08:48I'll have to blank out in front of the telly.
08:49Hold that finger right there, young man.
08:50No-one in this house watches the telly until the Queen's speech.
08:52But it's Noel's Christmas family video accidents.
08:53I don't care.
08:54We're English here.
08:55We're going to do Christmas properly.
08:56All right?
08:57Well, unless there's a Bond film on, obviously.
08:59OK, now let's keep it Christmassy.
09:01Right now, look, there's only five hours till lunch.
09:02I've got to get my sprouts on.
09:03Don't want them all crunchy.
09:05Not sprouts.
09:07I hate sprouts.
09:08Oh, will you stop whinging, Eddie?
09:10Nobody likes sprouts.
09:11Then why are we having them, then?
09:13Because it's Christmas!
09:16Now, look, we've got guests coming, remember?
09:18So I'd better get on with my turkey.
09:23What are you going to do with it?
09:24Well, it's a season of goodwill and peace on earth,
09:26so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it,
09:29shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours
09:32until it's completely burnt.
09:34Fair enough.
09:35Right, now lend a hand, Eddie, and peel the potatoes.
09:37We've got four people coming, so that means...
09:41Four potatoes.
09:50Do you really want me to peel them?
09:52I mean, you're only going to incinerate them, aren't you?
09:54Why don't we just bung them straight in the bin?
09:56Oh, all right, I'll do all the cooking.
10:01So long as you do all the decorations.
10:03Now, Eddie, crackers?
10:05Yes.
10:06It's never stopped me so far.
10:08No, I mean, have you got the crackers?
10:10No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
10:13Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes.
10:15I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
10:19Well, I've got one of those, but I'm not going to stick it on the table.
10:23Eddie, you are funnier than Jonathan Ross.
10:26But he's not funny.
10:27Exactly.
10:28Now, get out of my kitchen before I twat you.
10:31Not fast enough.
10:32Fair enough. Point taken.
10:34Right, now, Eddie, you scrape all the congealed bits off the cutterie
10:37and lay the table, all right?
10:39I'll get on with the brandy butter.
10:42Where's the brandy?
10:45Well, that's just effy marvellous, isn't it?
10:47Oh, hold your horses, Richie, don't panic, because...
10:56Vodka margarine!
11:01That's brilliant, Eddie.
11:02Are you sure it's flammable?
11:04Well, I anticipated your concern, so I spiced it up with a couple of cans of hairspray.
11:11That is brilliant!
11:13Well done. That's sorted.
11:15Right, now, table placings.
11:17I thought I'd put you next to Spudgun, right?
11:19Yeah.
11:20Because you're both, er...
11:21Well, sort of...
11:23Well...
11:24You know, aren't you?
11:25Oh, that reminds me, did you get the four quid off them each for the meal?
11:28Yes, I did.
11:29Where is it?
11:30I spent it on the brandy.
11:32I don't believe it.
11:33You have absolutely no help at all, are you?
11:35You've done absolutely nothing towards this season's goodwill.
11:39You haven't even brought a tree?
11:40Yes, I have.
11:42Well, where is it?
11:44Shield your eyes and I shall wheel her in.
11:47All right.
11:53No, there's no time.
12:00Tara!
12:09Eddie, that's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium.
12:12Well, whatever it is, it costs 16 quid.
12:1516 quid?
12:16Yep, so that's eight quid you owe me.
12:18Eight quid? That's very nearly 50 pence a needle.
12:20Oh, I despair, I really do.
12:23And look, it's half past eight already.
12:25Half past eight and all's crap.
12:30I've got to get into my kitchen.
12:32Here's a can of spray snow.
12:33You make everything look all Christmassy.
12:34I'll go and scrub my sprouts.
12:37I thought you were going to do some cooking.
12:41Fair enough. Point taken.
12:48Right, now, it's simple enough.
12:50There's a...
12:51Petitos anglaise.
12:53Sprouts a la...
12:54a la water.
12:55And...
12:56Turkey...
12:57a la...
12:58oven.
12:59Mm, yeah, that's great.
13:00They'll actually get their taste buds going.
13:02I don't know, Eddie.
13:04When it comes down to it, there's only me and Keith Floyd left.
13:13Put me out!
13:14Put me out, Eddie!
13:16Help!
13:18Why?
13:20What have you done?
13:21I would have thought that was totally obvious, wouldn't you?
13:25Oh!
13:26Oh, I see.
13:28Ooh!
13:30That's a bit of a nasty nick, isn't it?
13:32Why don't you call for the ambulance?
13:34Well, I haven't got anything to bloody well dial with now!
13:36Right!
13:40Right.
13:41First aid.
13:42First aid.
13:43What's the procedure for someone who's just cocked their finger off?
13:46Erm...
13:47I think they bleed to death in half an hour.
13:50I don't want to die!
13:51What do we used to do in the Boy Scouts?
13:53No, there's no time for that now, is there?
13:55Eddie, quick!
13:56Apply a tourniquet before I lose consciousness!
13:58Okie dokie!
13:59Erm...
14:00What is a tourniquet?
14:01It's where you restrict the flow of blood around the body!
14:03Come on!
14:04Here it goes!
14:06Yep!
14:07There we go!
14:08All about smashing to your head!
14:09Oh!
14:10Don't you worry, I'll keep it there!
14:12Look!
14:13Look!
14:14It's working!
14:20Eddie, look!
14:21I've found your finger!
14:25Pull that finger out, Richie!
14:27This is no type of fun and games!
14:29Yes, it is!
14:30It's Christmas Day!
14:34Oh!
14:36It's worked!
14:37Oh, thank God!
14:38Right!
14:39Eddie, get your needle out!
14:40I think you'd better sew it back on!
14:42I don't know!
14:43You know, me and my sewing!
14:45Oh, that's true!
14:46That's true!
14:47That reminds me, I must take that dress you made me down to the charity shop!
14:51That wasn't a dress!
14:52That was a woolly hat!
14:53Was it?
14:54Never mind!
14:55Because...
14:56I'm a dab hand with one of these!
14:57Thanks, Eddie!
14:58Sorry!
14:59Wrong finger!
15:00Oh!
15:01It worked!
15:02Thank God!
15:03Oh!
15:04Oh!
15:05Oh!
15:06Oh!
15:07Oh!
15:08Oh!
15:09Oh!
15:10Oh!
15:11Oh!
15:12Oh!
15:13Thanks, Eddie!
15:14Sorry!
15:15Wrong finger!
15:16Oh!
15:17Oh!
15:18Oh!
15:19Oh!
15:20It worked!
15:21Oh!
15:22Thank God!
15:23Oh!
15:24Oh!
15:25Oh!
15:26Oh!
15:35Good, good, everything's going swimmingly!
15:40Yes, hot enough in there for you little sprouts!
15:44Or is that the potatoes?
15:45Or is it the stuffing?
15:46It's so hard to tell now, everything looks the same!
15:49Oh, good. That means everything's ready.
15:51Oh, and Lordy, Lordy, look at the time. They'll be here any minute.
15:54Eddie, is the tree ready?
15:56Yep.
15:57There she is.
15:59Shall I fire her up?
16:01Oh, rather. Get a bit of Christmas glow going.
16:04Right. And... contact.
16:11Yeah, that's quite a lot of Christmas glow, really, isn't it?
16:15Shall I open the window?
16:17Erm, yes. Thank you very much.
16:24Erm... there she goes!
16:29Same as usual.
16:32Yeah.
16:33That's the tenth one that's gone up like that, isn't it?
16:36Yeah.
16:37Do you remember that electrician's course I went on?
16:39Yes.
16:40I'm beginning to think I should have stayed for the full half hour, you know.
16:44Oh, Christmas.
16:47Ding-dong merrily on bloody high.
16:51Why is it always so desperately depressing?
16:54I mean, why does it never snow?
16:57You know?
16:58Can't really make a drizzle man, can you? Can't really play drizzle balls.
17:05Oh, well, at least the drizzler put the tree out and at least nothing else can go wrong.
17:09Ah!
17:12Ow!
17:13Eddie, open the window before I faint from the pain.
17:17Eddie, come this way.
17:18Yeah.
17:20I don't know why I bother.
17:22I really don't.
17:24Eddie, stand back.
17:25Merry Christmas.
17:27Merry Christmas.
17:35Lordy, lordy.
17:36It's the guests.
17:37We've got no time for fighting now.
17:38We'll just have to pick up where we left off later on.
17:41And please try and remember where we've gone up to.
17:43Well, it's going to be bloody difficult to forget.
17:46All right, all right.
17:47Well, just in case...
17:49Remember that.
17:51Right.
17:52Now, you tidy up in here.
17:53I'll go and welcome the guests over the threshold.
17:56All right, all right, I'm coming.
17:57God, they can't wait to get in and eat me out of house and home, can't they?
18:00Parasitic bastards.
18:03Oh!
18:04Dave Hedgehog, how are you?
18:07All right, Dave.
18:08What?
18:09Oh, yes, of course you are.
18:10Oh, God, my eyes.
18:11I really must stop masturbating.
18:16Oh, hello.
18:17Gosh.
18:18It's been...
18:20What?
18:22Raining?
18:24No, no, no.
18:25It's been ages.
18:26What is?
18:27Well, since we last...
18:29You know.
18:30We never, you know, with you.
18:33No, it's all going wrong.
18:34It's silly.
18:35Look, come in, come in.
18:36Come ye, come ye.
18:38God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay.
18:42Remember?
18:43Er...
18:46I thought you said it was being put away before Christmas.
18:49Yeah.
18:50Don't worry, boys, she won't last long.
18:52She lost a lot of blood this morning and I don't think she's got the stamina.
18:56Right.
18:57Shall we have a drink, then?
18:58Yes!
18:59Here they are!
19:00Drinks coming right up!
19:02Oh, what's that?
19:05Gravy.
19:07Gravy?
19:09Yes, gravy.
19:11Somebody drank all the sherry, didn't they, Eddie?
19:14Well, I'm not drinking that.
19:17I beg your pardon?
19:18I said I'm not drinking that.
19:20I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
19:22You just drink that right up right now, young man.
19:25Just drink it up right now!
19:26We're not going to have to force it down your throat!
19:27Eh?
19:28Eh?
19:29What do you reckon, Dave?
19:30Drink it.
19:31He's a psycho.
19:33Merry Christmas, everyone.
19:35Yes!
19:36Merry Christmas, one and all!
19:42Is it Christmas?
19:43Today?
19:45Oh!
19:46Merry Christmas, then.
19:47That must be why that woman gave me that aftershave this morning.
19:50What woman?
19:51Oh, you know.
19:52That old woman who keeps hanging round the place.
19:54You know, Eddie.
19:55What's her name?
19:56My wife.
19:57Andrea.
19:58Oh, no.
19:59Avril.
20:00That's it.
20:01No!
20:02What am I thinking of?
20:03Susan!
20:04Right, right.
20:05Places, places.
20:06Spud gun.
20:07I thought you could go next to Eddie, because you're both so ghastly.
20:08And Dave?
20:09I thought you could come over next to me, in case someone suddenly came in unexpectedly,
20:11they might take you for some sort of bohemian, rather than the sad,
20:13unemployable wretch you really are.
20:15Well, mum along.
20:16Enjoy yourselves.
20:17It's supposed to be Christmas, after all.
20:18Heavens above!
20:20Oh, what's that smell?
20:21That's lunch.
20:22Oh, thank God for that.
20:23I thought I had an accident.
20:25Right, here we go.
20:30Spud gun.
20:31One potato or two?
20:32Two, please.
20:33No.
20:34One.
20:35No, two.
20:36No.
20:37One.
20:38Okay, one.
20:39All right, that's better.
20:40I've changed my mind.
20:41None.
20:42Excuse me, excuse me.
20:43Yes.
20:44There you are.
20:45And help yourself to sprouts.
20:46Oh, no, not sprouts.
20:47Sprouts?
20:48So it is Christmas then.
20:49Now then, who likes stuffing?
20:50Oh!
20:51Oh!
20:52No one.
20:53Oh well, worthy for the joke, eh?
20:54Cor, what a magnificent bird.
20:55Yes!
20:56Gets them every year.
20:57Here we go then.
20:58Hey, hey, hey.
20:59Who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast?
21:00I love Christmas.
21:01Hey, Eddie.
21:02Are you a last time?
21:04No, though?
21:05No, then.
21:06Who likes stuffing?
21:07Oh!
21:08Oh!
21:09Oh, no one.
21:10Oh, well.
21:11Worth it for the joke, eh?
21:12Cor, what a magnificent bird.
21:13Yes!
21:14Gets them every year.
21:15Here we go then.
21:17Hey, hey, hey.
21:19Who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast?
21:22I love Christmas. Hey, Eddie, are you a leg or a breast man?
21:29Would you like some magazines to read while he goes through his repertoire of Christmas jokes?
21:35Well, it's all academic now, as I seem to have made a slight miscalculation with the timing.
21:40Oh, well, never mind. Let's get straight on to the pudding.
21:45Eddie, switch out the lights.
21:47Right-o.
21:48Eddie, switch the lights back on.
21:52Right-o.
21:53Oh, there I am.
21:54Now, Eddie, you've got to wait till I get to the pudding before you switch out the lights.
21:57Right-o.
21:59Hold on. Just smearing the vodka margarine on it.
22:02Now, Eddie, are you sure this will sustain a flame?
22:05Oh, yes, it should do. It's been soaking for two weeks.
22:07Should go up a treat.
22:09Right then, here goes. Eddie, switch off the lights.
22:11Right-o.
22:18Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
22:48We'll spend time next year, lads.
22:50Merry Christmas.
22:51No, no, no, come on!
22:53There's plenty of Christmas fun left.
22:55No-one likes pudding, anyway.
22:57Let's withdraw to the drawing room and pull some crackers.
23:00What, there's some birds coming?
23:02What?
23:05Yeah, Christmas is great for jokes, isn't it?
23:08Come on, come on, chippy, chippy, chippy, chippy.
23:11Honestly, if it wasn't for me, you lot would end up sitting around all day
23:14drinking and watching the television.
23:18See, they've changed the titles to Emmerdale Farm.
23:22It's just called Emmerdale now.
23:24Yeah.
23:25Doesn't take so long to read.
23:27A lot more time to do other things.
23:30And pack a lot more story and...
23:32We still can't hear you.
23:38Yes, but l'm not allowed to speak, otherwise l'm out of the game.
23:41Right, well, you've just spoken, so you must be out of the game, then.
23:44No, no, no, all right, stop, stop. New game, OK?
23:47Mm-hm, now, look, look, look, when I go like this, it means it's a film.
23:51All right? So, mm-hm, it's a film.
23:55Right, well, what's it called?
23:58No, you're supposed to tell me.
24:00Well, don't you know?
24:02If you don't know, we could be here all night.
24:04No, no, but you have to guess.
24:06Why don't you just tell us? It'll be a lot quicker.
24:08Because... Oh, all right, stop, stop!
24:10Shall we start again?
24:11All right, off we go.
24:13Mm-hm, mm-hm.
24:14Right, so it's a film?
24:16No, it's a television programme.
24:18What, they televised it?
24:19No, they brought it out on video.
24:20No, no, no, no, no, no!
24:22It's not a film!
24:24You just said it was a film!
24:26All right, l'll go back to the film!
24:28Look, why don't you just tell us what it is?
24:30All right, then, it was the guns of Navarone!
24:33Savatory!
24:34Right, my turn.
24:38Goldfinger!
24:39Right?
24:41Pitchock!
24:42Yeah.
24:43I'll have Goldfinger as well.
24:45But you can't have that, Eddie just had that!
24:47Look, let's just all have Goldfinger and then pack it in, OK?
24:52Right.
24:53Spud gun.
24:55Goldfinger.
24:57Right.
24:58Now, that's that over with.
25:00OK.
25:03What's next?
25:04Sardines!
25:05Great.
25:06Anything's better than that bloody turkey.
25:10Oh, Jesus Christ!
25:12Who can that be?
25:15They haven't started collecting all Christmas Day, have they?
25:18Son off, you do-gooding bastards!
25:20Sardines!
25:21Sardines!
25:22Sardines!
25:23Sardines!
25:24Sardines!
25:25Sardines!
25:26Sardines!
25:27Sardines!
25:28Sardines!
25:29Sardines!
25:31Sardines!
25:32Sardines!
25:33Sardines!
25:34Sardines!
25:35Who is it?
25:36I dunno, he can't talk!
25:39Well, punch him in the face and kick him down the stairs.
25:42I mean, if he's too drunk to talk, he won't put on much of a fight, will he?
25:47Go on!
25:48Enjoy yourself!
25:49It's Christmas!
25:55Guys?
25:58It's a baby.
26:00What?
26:03I've got a baby.
26:05We don't want a baby.
26:08Get rid of it.
26:10We're happy as we are!
26:13Why spoil everything?
26:16We all drift apart!
26:18I mean, he's bound to come between us!
26:22Well, I think that it's come between us already.
26:26Come on, Eddie!
26:28It's time we've faced up to our responsibilities!
26:31We can't carry on being playboys all our lives!
26:34Besides,
26:36it's a fact now.
26:37We have to deal with it!
26:39Why couldn't you be more careful?
26:45Oh, my!
26:47What a way to spend your first Christmas!
26:49What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth?
26:51It sounds pretty good to me!
26:53Look!
26:55Don't cry, little matey!
26:56Cooey!
26:57Cooey!
26:58Cooey!
26:59Cooey!
27:00Cooey!
27:01Cooey!
27:02Cooey!
27:03Cooey!
27:04Cooey!
27:05Cooey!
27:06I think he likes me!
27:08Poor little blighter!
27:09It's your first Christmas!
27:10It's your first Christmas!
27:12No family!
27:13No friends!
27:15No Christmas presents!
27:17Well, he's got us now!
27:20We'll look after him!
27:21Yeah!
27:22He can have my Christmas present!
27:24It's a box of Terry's all gold!
27:27We'll have to wait for his little teeth to come through
27:29before he can manage the chewy ones!
27:31Aw!
27:33Yeah, look!
27:34He can have my Frankenstein mask
27:36I was going to scare the shit out of Richie with later!
27:39Ha!
27:40Ha!
27:41Yeah!
27:42And you can have my bottle of aftershave!
27:44It's a new one!
27:46It's called...
27:47Grr!
27:53Gold!
27:54Frankenstein!
27:56And Grr!
28:05And you're all wearing crowns!
28:09And I'm a virgin!
28:15I thought you said you weren't!
28:22No, I know, but I am really!
28:23I was fibbing to look hunky!
28:25Didn't work, did it?
28:26No!
28:27But enough of that!
28:29Guys!
28:31If I was you, I'd stay on my knees!
28:34This is it!
28:36This...
28:37Is the second coming!
28:40What?
28:41Oh look!
28:42The three kings!
28:44Gold!
28:45Frankenstein!
28:46And Grr!
28:47The virgin birth!
28:49And look!
28:50A blue headscarf!
28:52And that really tops it off!
28:55It's all slotting into place!
28:58I knew I was special!
29:00I always knew I was different from the other people!
29:05That's why I never got a shag!
29:09I was being kept pure!
29:11Because I'm better than everyone else in the whole world!
29:14I've had a few pretty narrow squeaks though!
29:17Oh yes!
29:19No I didn't really, I'm lying to myself!
29:21Guys!
29:25I think...
29:27That we should pray!
29:28I think his nappy needs changing!
29:29What?
29:30Yeah, go on Richie!
29:31I mean...
29:32You're his mother!
29:33Oh come on guys!
29:34This is the 20th century!
29:35It's not fair!
29:36But we are not worthy!
29:37Oh holy one!
29:39Yeah!
29:40Yeah that's right!
29:41Oh chosen thing!
29:43Oh!
29:44Oh one!
29:45What he said!
29:48What do you mean what he said?
29:49I thought he was supposed to be a wise man!
29:51Alright I'll do it!
29:52Oh dear!
29:53It'd be a woman I don't know!
29:59Oh!
30:01Oh!
30:02Oh dear!
30:03Oh dear!
30:04He would be a woman I don't know!
30:06Are you sure he's a son of God?
30:20Nobody smoke. Eddie, get the mop and the bucket and the bleach.
30:24What? You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom.
30:28Oh, here, let me have a go. I come from a large family.
30:31You'd have to, wouldn't you, mate?
30:36You know, what we need is some girls with really big breasts.
30:49You've been saying that for 20 years.
30:52Not for me, you fool. For the baby.
30:55He's very good with the baby, isn't he?
30:58Yes, he is. I am thinking of conferring a sainthood upon him.
31:03What? Saint Spudgum?
31:08Haven't you gone through to that Pope yet?
31:11Oh, he's gone.
31:12Right, then. Next one. Pope G.
31:16What do you mean, Pope G? He's not Pope Gavin, is he?
31:19It's Pope John Paul. Look under Pope J.P.
31:22Oh, right, J.P. Oh, here he is. Pope J.P.
31:27Oh, I didn't know he lived in Twickenham.
31:29Oh, that's enough.
31:30Hey, Eddie, did you know that...
31:32Eddie, stop that immediately. You show some respect.
31:34Oh, what do you mean?
31:36I'm not going to let the arrival of the son of God spoil my Christmas.
31:40Oh, there's going to be some terrible things happen to you when you finally pop off.
31:44Yes.
31:45I shall have a word with Richard Jr. here's father. You know, my husband-in-law, God.
31:52I shall make sure you get a right proper roasting and no mistake.
31:56It's not just my flat now, it's my universe.
31:59My name is now Richard Mary.
32:03And you all have to do everything I say, otherwise you all go to hell. Yeah.
32:11Bloody hell. This will work a treat with young Tracy down the lamb and flag.
32:15That's right, I'm going to get some commandments.
32:17Um, one, everyone has to give me all their money.
32:21Two, all the girls in the world have to take their tops down now.
32:26Now.
32:27Three, no-one's allowed to hit me ever again in my whole life.
32:31Hello, boys. Merry Christmas and all that bollocks.
32:36I hope you're looking fine by not knocking. I just couldn't be bothered.
32:39Mr. Harrison, you may be the landlord of this property, but I happen to be the mother of God.
32:43So if you don't have to get down in your meat.
32:45Oh, bugger off, you sad git. Now, where's my grandson?
32:49Your... grandson?
32:52Well, you deaf. My daughter left him with me to look after.
32:55She's coming back in a minute. Cow.
32:57She went off to see her bloody mother, stupid bitch.
33:00Had a heart attack this morning.
33:02Expects us all to go and visit her together round.
33:04I mean, she's on her last legs and has Goldfinger on the telly.
33:08On Christmas Day, I ask her.
33:10Sorry I didn't ask or anything, but I knew you'd say no, so I thought sod it, you know.
33:14Right. She bloody coo, you.
33:16Anyway, keep your trap chat about my daughter, right?
33:19I'll tell the police you kidnapped it, right?
33:22Right, Dad?
33:23Where's Johnny?
33:24Oh, hello, flower petal.
33:25I was just showing him off to the neighbours.
33:27He's such a bonny... bloody... thing, you know.
33:32Poor thing. He's hungry.
33:33I'd better feed him. Bring him over here, Dad.
33:36You don't like it, do you, gents?
33:38Um, no, no.
33:39You go out ahead.
33:40Go get out ahead.
33:41Merry bloody Christmas!
34:11I'll see you next time.
34:41I'll see you next time.
34:42Bye.
34:43Bye.
34:44Bye.
34:45Bye.
34:46Bye.
34:47Bye.
34:48Bye.
34:49Bye.
34:50Bye.
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