- 22/06/2025
Category
š¹
FunTranscript
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00:36That's an African flute.
00:38Listen.
00:39That's an African flute, that is.
00:42It's nothing.
00:44No, listen, I'm telling you.
00:46That's an African flute.
00:48That is common all the way from Africa, that is.
00:50There's a bloke and a hot play at that.
00:52.
01:08Bagpipes.
01:10That's bagpipes, that is.
01:12What?
01:14Scotch radio.
01:16What about that, Mr. Carol, eh?
01:18Scotch radio.
01:20.
01:22.
01:24.
01:26.
01:28.
01:30.
01:32.
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01:58.
02:00call it a penance. Do you know your trouble? What? God, that's better. Do you know your trouble, Garth? Do you think you're better or not? Well, of course I think I'm better than you. For God's sake, grant me some pride. All right, lad. Maybe you are better. But there's a little word. It's gone out of fashion these days, but there's a little word you might care to ponder. Humility. Yeah, and that means you're a prat. Humility. I know what humility is, all right. I've been practicing it for the best part.
02:29Oh, 40 years, and where's it got me? Stuck in here 12 hours a night with you two, and for what? This pittance? Oh, come on, lad. There's no need to take on so. Come on. Don't spoil the party. What's the matter with you tonight? Here, have a gypsy cream. I don't want a gypsy cream.
02:47Here, Carter. Look. I've just had some photos done at the house. Just had it done out. Do you want to have a look? No. All right, suit yourself. I'll show the sides. Here, Sarge. Look.
02:58I've had stone cladding. I hate stone cladding. Well, it's not your house, is it, Mr. Clever Dick? It's mine. I bought it off the council. I can do what I like with it, thank you.
03:09I can't see any stone cladding. Well, you won't, won't you? That's the outside. I've had it done on the inside.
03:14You get the benefit, then, don't you? It's on the outside of the house. You never see it, do you?
03:22Oh, come on, now. He's got a point. He's never had a point. He's not capable of having a point.
03:28All right, brilliant. He is. I've knocked all the walls through, so it looks like a great big cave. The full Monty.
03:33Going to brick up all the windows next week. Oh, how very, very homes and gardens.
03:36Hey, hey, hey. At least I've got my own property, you know, as opposed to someone living in rented accommodation, you know, as opposed to someone living in some filthy rented bug-uch somewhere.
03:46Listen, my flat. What? Your flat? What? It's grown, has it? What? Your room decided to expand, did it?
03:52It's a big room. It's almost a flat. If I put a wall across half of it, it would be a flat.
03:58Have you got any fitted units? Yes, yes. I've got a bookcase affair with some house bricks and wooden planks across it.
04:07Oh, very homes and garden. Where do you keep the vim? Under the sink.
04:12I've got to get out of here. There must be something else. Something else I can do. This can't be it.
04:16I know why you're in a bad mood. Why's that, then?
04:20He's been for another job, and he didn't get it. Oh, didn't he get it? He's a good job, then.
04:25Hey? Don't go, don't do that, please. Don't go, don't do that.
04:29He's a good job, didn't he? Yes, he's a good, a good...
04:33Oh, dear. What job is this, then?
04:40The police. Police? You have an interview?
04:44Well, I had an interview. I was supposed to have an interview.
04:48They sent me to the wrong place, didn't they?
04:50I mean, this is the upholders of law and order we're supposed to be talking about,
04:53and what did they do? They sent me to the wrong place, didn't they?
04:56I mean, they said Hall 3, right?
05:00They categorically said I should be in Hall 3 at half 4,
05:03so I get to Hall 3 at quarter past 4.
05:05Be early, I thought, show-winning, I thought.
05:07And what do I find in Hall 3? Do I find the police?
05:10No, I do not find the police. What do I find, eh?
05:12I find a bunch of ballet dancers rehearsing the clog dance from La Filma Garde.
05:15That's what I blame the time to do.
05:16So I'm sitting there, right, and I'm feeling pressurised, right,
05:21because I'm the only one not wearing tights, right?
05:24So I've just managed to borrow this leotard off someone
05:27when this WPC wanders in, and nonchalantly she looks over to me
05:30and she said I should have been in Hall 4 at half 3.
05:33And she's very sorry and all that, but the interview panel had gone home
05:36and that was it till next year, thank you very much.
05:39So that's it, then, isn't it?
05:40I'm stuck in here with you and the world's worst interior decorator.
05:45Come on, now. It's not the end of the world.
05:49I mean, come to think of it,
05:51we're sort of doing the same job as the police, really,
05:54upholding lying harder and that.
05:56It's not the same, is it?
05:57We don't have any radios, do we?
06:00Hey!
06:01I mean, beside that, nothing ever happens, does it?
06:04Ain't nothing ever happens.
06:06That's it, then. That means we're doing our job if nothing happens.
06:09Yeah, yeah.
06:11Where you going?
06:12I'm going upstairs to fiddle with that computer on a full floor.
06:16I've been trying to get it to spell my name.
06:27Gypsy cream.
06:36Anybody there?
06:37I'm not late.
06:38It's that clock.
06:39It's slow.
06:42What's this, then?
06:43What's this, then, Sarge?
06:45Something's happened.
06:45What do you mean?
06:46Something's happened.
06:46What do you mean?
06:47What does that mean?
06:47What does that mean?
06:48Something's happened.
06:48Something's happened, Sarge.
06:49Sarge?
06:49Sarge?
06:49Oi!
06:51Why don't you bang a drum?
06:52What drum?
06:53I haven't got a drum.
06:55Who said I was supposed to bring a drum?
06:56I didn't know we were supposed to bring a drum.
06:58Hey?
06:58Keep the noise down.
07:00Oh, I see!
07:01Sarcasm!
07:02You were being sarcastic.
07:03Ha, ha!
07:03You didn't mean an actual drum.
07:05You were just inferring that I was making a lot of noise and that I might as well be beating
07:07or banging a drum.
07:08Sorry.
07:08How did you do?
07:09D.C.
07:10Martin.
07:10Oh!
07:12Oh!
07:12You constable.
07:15Oh, it's marvellous.
07:17Oh, it's just what we needed round here.
07:18Oh, this is great.
07:19I can't tell you what all this means to me.
07:22Oi!
07:24What's all this about, then?
07:27Oh, ignore him.
07:28He's just an idiot.
07:30I want to separate you from your breath.
07:32Oh, go bang a drum.
07:35Hey, did you get it?
07:36What's all this for, then?
07:38Hey?
07:39You got clearance, didn't you?
07:41Yeah, we...
07:41We might have.
07:44Who said we haven't?
07:46What's clearance?
07:48Back three to base, over.
07:52Angela, they haven't had clearance up here.
07:55Drag old George out of the canteen and get him to see to it, will you?
07:59He's with you now.
08:00Put him on.
08:02Hello, George.
08:04Yeah, yeah, I know you're an inspector, George.
08:07What's that got to do with anything?
08:08Here.
08:09What were you doing round the back of the fire station at four o'clock this morning?
08:15Yeah, I got my saucy's.
08:17I mean, I've heard about having somebody in the back of a squad car, George, but that was ridiculous.
08:23George?
08:23What do you mean he's gone off in half?
08:26Of course he hasn't.
08:27Me and George go back 20 years.
08:29We started on the beat together.
08:31Yeah, was he really blushing, Angela?
08:34Yeah, was he bright red, eh?
08:36Yeah, I'm like...
08:38Just get that clearance, will you?
08:40Over.
08:40Well, what, really blushing, was he, eh?
08:44Don't you think you'd better be getting along?
08:46You've been relocated to somewhere else in the building.
08:48Good idea, good idea.
08:49Too many cooks and all that.
08:50Go on, you'd better run him along.
08:51Go on.
08:53What about you?
08:53No, he didn't mean me.
08:54He's going to need some help, isn't he?
08:56I could have been where you are now, you know, if it hadn't been for that ballet lesson.
08:59Excuse me, but if you think we're moving out of here, you're very much mistaken.
09:09Excuse me, but if you think we're moving out of here, you are very much mistaken.
09:14Brilliant!
09:16Go and make a drum.
09:20Oh, look, it's Sherlock Holmes.
09:22How's it going, then, Inspector?
09:26What's happened?
09:28He chucked me out, didn't he?
09:30Said I was getting in his way.
09:32All I wanted, right, all I wanted was to find whether my interview was in Hall 3 at half 4 or Hall 4 at half 3.
09:38And I was just having a look at his camera, and I asked him very nicely if he wouldn't mind taking my photograph and my passport, and he blew his top.
09:45What's he doing here, though?
09:46Oh, well, it's dead exciting.
09:49What it is, you see, there's a tower block over the way, and the blokes who guard it at night...
09:53What, security blocks? They rush me?
09:55Yeah, yeah, the security guards, the blokes who guard it at night, they...
09:58They're planning to rob the safe.
10:00Yeah, and DC Martin, right, he's keeping them under surveillance, and when they make their move, he's going to nab them.
10:06On his own, tonight?
10:07No, no, no!
10:10God, you know nothing about police procedure.
10:13There's hundreds of them hiding all over the place in buildings and pillar boxes and, you know, stuff like that.
10:18Anyway, he's going to watch them for as long as it takes, and when they make their move for that safe...
10:22You've got to admire them, haven't you?
10:25The police.
10:26No, not the police. The blokes who are doing the robbery.
10:30Funny, I think the security guards like us, though, isn't it?
10:33Yeah, look, I had a shuff in his note, see, and I jotted a few things down, and he got all twisted about that as well.
10:40Right, I've got the descriptions here.
10:42Look, there's three of them.
10:43That's like us three, eh?
10:44There's the Sarge. He's about 60.
10:46That's like you.
10:47Oh, and there's this bloke called Del.
10:50Del, that's funny. That's like your name. That's very like Bale, isn't it?
10:53Yeah, yeah, who else, Carter?
10:54Well, there's a bloke called Carver.
10:56Carver, yeah!
10:57That's... that's like your name.
10:59That's like...
11:00Carter.
11:02Yeah!
11:04It is, isn't it, eh?
11:05Three security guards.
11:07The Sarge, Del, and Carver.
11:12It's us.
11:15It's us she's talking about.
11:17No, no, no.
11:19It can't be us.
11:20It can't be us.
11:20If it's us, why's he watching another building?
11:23Because they've got that bit wrong, haven't they?
11:25It's like with the names.
11:27No!
11:27Hey!
11:28Well, who's been dropping a safe, then?
11:30Who's been telling lies?
11:32Robbing a safe!
11:33They've put you away for that, don't they?
11:35They've gone out for 20 years for that.
11:37Hold it!
11:38What?
11:38Hold it, Harry!
11:39What?
11:41We're not going to rob a safe, are we?
11:43So what are we worried about?
11:51I mean, some cretin rings up the bill, gives them our names.
11:55I bet it was a bad line.
11:56That's why they got the names and addresses wrong.
11:58They couldn't even get that bit right, could they?
12:00Some idiot, idiot, rings up the old bill, gives them our names and says we're going to rob a safe.
12:05I mean, it might have occurred to him that we weren't.
12:09Mind you, it wouldn't take much for it to rob that safe.
12:13I mean, I've even got a key.
12:15How much did a key been there?
12:16I don't know.
12:17I've never looked.
12:18Must be quite a bit, though.
12:19Otherwise, you wouldn't need to keep it in the safe.
12:21No, it stands to reason if you're going to keep a safe, you've got to have a pretty substantial amount of money in it.
12:29Shall we, then?
12:31Shall we what?
12:33Rob the safe.
12:35Go on, might as well.
12:51Edna, it's George there.
13:10I'll put him on with you.
13:14Hello, George, mate.
13:15How's it going?
13:17Oh, I'm sorry, Inspector.
13:19I didn't mean to insult the inspector.
13:22Here, I'm saluting here, George.
13:24Hey, George.
13:26George.
13:29What are you talking about, Ange?
13:30Of course he hasn't taken offence.
13:32Me and George go back 20 years.
13:34We did our basic training together.
13:36Here, you get him to tell you about the time they found him in the interview room with that WPC.
13:43Oh, yes.
13:44Well, we were wondering you've been here a week.
13:47Yeah.
13:47So?
13:48Well, you know, he was just wondering when this robbery was going to take place, see?
13:51Look, I'll tell you that.
13:53Secret.
13:54Oh, come on.
13:56Look, if the information we've got is correct, it'll be soon, all right?
14:01What are they like, you know?
14:04The gang.
14:05Well, let's see, man.
14:07There's the Sarge.
14:08Well, he's just a passenger, really.
14:10Yeah, yeah.
14:10He's only going along with the other two because he's too scared to do different.
14:13Yeah.
14:13What about Del?
14:15Del?
14:16Oh, he's the hard man of the three.
14:18You don't want to mess with this, boy.
14:19No, you don't.
14:23Yeah.
14:24He's hard, all right.
14:26Trouble is, he's not very bright.
14:28Oh, how very true.
14:30What about Carver, then?
14:32Carver?
14:33Oh, he's the brains behind it all, of course.
14:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:36Considers himself an intellectual, apparently.
14:38Yeah, I...
14:39What do you mean, considers?
14:41As far as we know, he left school at 15 and never passed any exams.
14:45Funny background for an intellectual, wouldn't you say?
14:47Oh, dear me, they've got his number, all right?
14:49At least I'm not sub-normal.
14:52Oh, go and bang a drum.
14:54Hey!
14:56What do you two want?
14:58Well, we were just wondering, like, when this robbery was going to take place, you know.
15:02Well, not that it's any business of ours, okay?
15:04All right, all right.
15:04If it will make you go away any quicker, it's tomorrow night.
15:09Tomorrow night?
15:11Tomorrow night!
15:12That's a bit short notice, isn't it?
15:14I mean, does it have to be tomorrow?
15:15Oh, all right, then.
15:17If you two say so, I'll go along with whatever you say.
15:20He really had you down pat, that bloke.
15:22You'd go along with anything as long as you've got an easy life, wouldn't you?
15:24Yeah.
15:25Passenger.
15:26All right, then.
15:27What time do we rob this safe tomorrow?
15:31Well, I didn't know I was supposed to ask him that.
15:34What?
15:35Well, I can't think of everything, can I?
15:37Well, you're supposed to be the brains of the outfit, aren't you?
15:39Well, you're supposed to be the hard man.
15:41Why don't you twist his arm around his neck and make him tell us?
15:44All right, Mr Bighead Passenger, you go and ask him what time it's taking place.
15:47Yeah.
15:48All right, if you two think I should, I'll do whatever you say.
15:52Oh, God, it's pathetic.
15:54Go and ask him if we're meant to be armed.
15:56Armed!
15:57We've got to know if we're supposed to be carrying guns, aren't we?
16:01Okay, if you two say so.
16:05I can't believe this is the end of it after all these years.
16:09No, no, no, I was just thinking that.
16:11I mean, after tomorrow, we're not going to see each other again.
16:15Look, I know we've had our ups and downs over the years, but I've always hated you, you know?
16:23I know, I've always hated you as well.
16:26I want to tell you something.
16:27I mean, I've never told you this before, and it's really childish, but, you know, whenever you read about people having accidents in fires and terrible road accidents and things like that, you know, I mean, I know it's really childish, but whenever I read anything like that, I always imagine it's you.
16:45It checks me out, sort of thing, yeah.
16:49You do that as well, do you?
16:51You know what I like?
16:53When I'm out for a drive with a wife and the kids and you see those squashed animals in the road, you know, the ones that never quite made it, right?
17:00Oh, what, the Davy Crockett hats?
17:02Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah.
17:04Whenever I see one of those, I just pretend it's you.
17:07Sometimes, sometimes I reverse the car and drive over them a couple of times, you know, imagining your face going all flat.
17:23Cheers.
17:24Cheers.
17:25I've done it.
17:26I've asked them.
17:28Quarter past 11 tomorrow night, that's when we do it.
17:31And are we armed?
17:32No, no, we're not armed.
17:33Well, that is a blessing, because where are we going to find guns this late in the day?
17:37Right, looks like we're all set then.
17:39Oh, just one more thing.
17:41He did say we'd probably be in disguise.
17:47Well, come on, come on out, let's have a look at you.
17:56Oh, yeah.
17:57Yeah?
17:58Yeah.
17:59Sarge?
18:00Lovely colour.
18:01Well, I was worried, you know, because the woman in the shop said I should have gone for more of a flesh tone or something with a seam, you know.
18:08No, no, no, I disagree.
18:10No, that would have been completely wrong for a situation like this.
18:13I mean, it's all the hallmarks of classic simplicity.
18:16Has a poor woman never heard of Coco Chanel?
18:21Come on, Captain.
18:22Show us your love.
18:22Oh, no, no.
18:23I'm just not in the same league as that.
18:25Come on.
18:25No, come on.
18:26Oh, come on.
18:27Look, just don't laugh then, will you?
18:28Just, just, give me a chance.
18:33Come on, so if you don't like it.
18:36Very nice.
18:37Yeah?
18:37Very nice?
18:39Touch of class, then.
18:40Yeah, come on, Sarge, it's your turn.
18:42Oh, well.
18:43Where's the Sarge?
18:58Sarge.
18:58What have you done with the Sarge?
18:59Hey, can't him leave.
19:00Come here, come here, come here, come here.
19:01Come here, come here.
19:02Come on.
19:05Hey, boy, it's me.
19:06Oh, it's brilliant.
19:08Oh, it's brilliant.
19:09Oh, it's brilliant.
19:10Oh, it's brilliant.
19:12Who's got the key?
19:16Here, hang on a minute.
19:17We've forgotten something.
19:18We've forgotten.
19:18What about DC Martin's going to be there, isn't he?
19:20Oh, no.
19:21No, of course he is.
19:22There's always something in there.
19:23Here, do me a favor.
19:25What?
19:25Crack him over the head with this.
19:27Let's go.
19:28Let's go.
19:28She.
19:42She.
19:42Shiii!
20:11It's me!
20:12It's me!
20:12It's me!
20:13Stupid!
20:13Stupid!
20:19What are you up to now?
20:22Hey?
20:23Us?
20:25We're rehearsing our annual play.
20:28We do it every year, won't we?
20:30Erm, where were we?
20:31So, this is the young swordsman that all of France is talking about.
20:35It's all for one and one for all.
20:36The one for two.
20:37You wouldn't believe it, would you?
20:43What?
20:44It's all off. We've only been double-crossed, haven't we?
20:46What? What do you mean nobody's gonna rob that safe?
20:48Oh, yeah.
20:49Somebody's gonna rob the safe, alright, but it's not gonna be our three.
20:52What?
20:53Not the security guards?
20:54No, that was just a ruse, wasn't it?
20:55A ploy to put us off the scent, to put us off the trail of the real villain.
20:58It's someone in the force, isn't it?
21:00Oh, no!
21:01I know, I know, there is nothing worse than a bent copper hoot.
21:04Oh, right, so I'm late!
21:05Everybody stay exactly where you are and nobody will get hurt.
21:08George!
21:09Not you!
21:10George!
21:11Who's got the key?
21:14Erm, there.
21:15George!
21:16Why are you George?
21:17We started out on the beat together.
21:18Yes!
21:19Hey, don't I bloody know it!
21:21You've talked to nothing else for the past 20 years.
21:24It might have escaped your attention, Norman, but things have changed since then.
21:27Some of us have got promoted for a start.
21:30Some of us have made something of ourselves instead of wallowing around in nostalgia.
21:34I am an inspector, Norman.
21:36And for your information, that rank requires a little respect.
21:39You should show respect, Norman.
21:41Yeah, but George, we're friends!
21:43I am not your friend!
21:46Whenever did you get this idea that I was your friend, I felt sorry for you, that's all.
21:50That first day on the beat, I felt sorry for you and ever since you've been trading on it.
21:54With your stupid, bloody stories about the past, but not any more.
21:58I'm going to change it.
22:00I'm going to change everything.
22:01I'm going to change my whole life with this!
22:09This!
22:10Oh!
22:11Ain't something else, Norman.
22:12I'm taking Maureen with me.
22:13Oh, George, no!
22:15Yeah!
22:16She can't bloody stand you either!
22:19Oh, Lord, look at you lot.
22:21What a bunch of deadbeats, eh?
22:24What a bunch of losers!
22:26Anybody there?
22:27There's nobody here but a chicken!
22:32Well, I beat you!
22:33I beat you all!
22:35Ha-ha!
22:36Yeah, they said it couldn't be done.
22:37They said a...
22:41Now, who did that?
22:42Come on, own up!
22:43Look, we are not going home until the person that did it owns up.
22:48We can stay here for as long as it takes.
22:50I don't care.
22:51I've got all night.
22:53Davis!
22:54I knew it would be you!
22:56What the bloody hell were you doing?
22:57You were aiming at the wrong building!
23:00Now, don't get clever with me, Davis.
23:02Alright, it was the right building, but you didn't know that!
23:05You just wait!
23:07Over!
23:14It's been a funny sort of week, innit?
23:17Not that never happened.
23:19That certain night, the night we met, there was magic abroad in the air.
23:34And like an echo far away, a nightingale saying,
23:41In the Barclay Square.
23:49I may be right, I may be wrong, but I'm perfectly willing to swear.
23:58But when you turned and smiled at me, an idea sang in the Barclay Square.
24:10Don't.
24:11Oh.
24:17It's an open being barack, if you want last day, by a huge amount of tree,
24:20I'm a filthy Chef.
24:23I say whatever, anything that takes a
24:26A boundary with Food is working with food, and that really sucks.
24:28Something is evil.
24:28I can't expect it, and I think it's a bad thing for you.
24:30I think one thing is universal.
24:31I found something that I drank in the water's chce,
24:33But it's something I think is real for you.
24:35I don't have something to say everything in it alone...
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