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00:00Music
00:24How many inches above the knee?
00:26Five.
00:26Right, four.
00:27I said five.
00:29I heard what you said, dear.
00:33That's your skirt.
00:35I know.
00:36But what are you shortening it for?
00:39Beryl, there are 17 women and one man in my lampshade-making class.
00:43And mind your own business.
00:46My mother's a raver.
00:49I thought Geoffrey was calling to see you.
00:52Don't change the subject.
00:53I'm not.
00:54I thought you were getting ready for Geoffrey.
00:56I am.
00:57Good and ready.
00:59I don't follow.
01:00One, make him grow a moustache.
01:02Two, make him smarten himself up.
01:04Three, make him smoke a pipe.
01:06Four, make him lose a little weight.
01:08I still don't follow.
01:09Yes, I do.
01:10Yes, I do.
01:14Beryl, that's awful.
01:16You can't deliberately try to change people.
01:18It's contrary to the United Nations Charter.
01:21It's half the fun of having a boyfriend.
01:23Why?
01:23What's the other half?
01:25You know what I mean.
01:27You've got to try and improve them.
01:28That's what boyfriends are for.
01:30It won't work, Beryl.
01:31Men are repulsive by nature.
01:32They like being repulsive.
01:35It's not the winning, it's the taking part.
01:37Well, I think it's very wicked to even consider it.
01:41Have you got to make him wear less garish socks and shoes?
01:45That's under the general heading, make him smarten himself up.
01:48Oh.
01:49Guess who?
01:50Shall we answer it after the second verse or the third?
01:53Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
01:59What a pleasant surprise, you being here.
02:06Oh, good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
02:08What a pleasant surprise, you being here.
02:12Thank you, Geoffrey.
02:14Nice cup of tea.
02:15No, thanks.
02:16Yes, please.
02:16Great.
02:17I've only half an hour before night school.
02:24Well, that sample time to drink a cup of tea.
02:27Yes.
02:34How are you?
02:35Great.
02:36How are you?
02:37Great.
02:39I didn't know your mum would be in, you see.
02:43Anyway, it doesn't matter.
02:44Ah, I just thought she might have gone to her lampshade making.
02:49That's all.
02:51Anyway, it doesn't matter.
02:54What?
02:58I've just had the most super idea.
03:01Why?
03:01Is she going out?
03:03No.
03:05Oh.
03:06An idea about you.
03:08Oh, yes.
03:14You, Master Geoffrey Scrimgeour,
03:20would look absolutely fantastic with a moustache.
03:24Ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:25You would.
03:30It'd be sensational.
03:32It'd also be a miracle.
03:34Oh.
03:35It'd take about 12 years.
03:36I only grow one hair at a time.
03:38You could try.
03:41Yeah, I could, yes.
03:42It's the hairs that don't.
03:46There's this boy at work with one.
03:49Makes me tummy go like lemon meringue just to look at him.
03:53There's nothing I can do about it.
03:55Yes, there is.
03:56Concentrate on your work.
04:01There's only one thing more groovy than a man with a moustache.
04:04A man with a moustache and a pipe.
04:09I don't smoke.
04:12You don't have to smoke it.
04:13The night's just clenched.
04:15A girl finds it absolutely irresistible, that's all.
04:19Wow.
04:21It's immaterial to me.
04:25What are you thinking about?
04:27Mexico did have an effect on the World Cup squad, you know.
04:30The season's not half over yet.
04:31Geoffrey.
04:32Girls don't like talking about football.
04:36Girls aren't interested in football.
04:39That's boys.
04:40I'm a girl.
04:43There's one on the bus every morning with a moustache and pipe.
04:46A girl?
04:49A boy.
04:53Very smartly dressed.
04:55This fab herringbone suit and this curvy pipe
04:59and this Paul McCartney moustache.
05:02You're not jealous, are you?
05:04What of?
05:05This boy.
05:07No.
05:08Oh.
05:11Good.
05:13Jealous is a terrible thing.
05:15Do you know who I think's dishy?
05:16Is that my start-up for ten and no conferring?
05:20Roland in your office.
05:21Yes, he is.
05:22Now, you've not to be jealous with me saying that.
05:26No.
05:27No.
05:28Do you know why he's dishy?
05:30Do I get a music bonus?
05:34Because he stays so slim.
05:36That's why he can wear a really nice suit.
05:39You could too, Geoffrey, if you had one
05:40and lost a little bit of weight.
05:43Do you like Roland Beryl?
05:44Oh, lovey, you're jealous.
05:49Pardon?
05:50So you're going to grow a moustache
05:51and buy a nice pipe and suit
05:53and lose a little bit of weight?
05:54What I was going to say was,
05:55if you like him,
05:56could you fix him up with a blind date
05:57then we could all go out in a foursome?
05:59What for?
06:00Well, then me and Roland could talk about football.
06:10Are you all right, Beryl?
06:12You look just that trifle demented.
06:14Geoffrey, I've left the milk jug in the fridge.
06:18Would you mind?
06:19Having it without?
06:20No, getting it.
06:29You're more devious than I am.
06:31Well, I never hear properly in the kitchen.
06:33Are you winning?
06:34Mother, it's not a game.
06:40He won't even get jealous, let alone change.
06:43They never change, Beryl.
06:45In fact, it's now total war.
06:56So?
06:56Oh, may I speak to Roland, please?
07:07Speaking.
07:08You're not allowed personal calls.
07:10It's Beryl.
07:11Oh, that's for you.
07:13No, it's not.
07:13Pardon?
07:14Pardon?
07:15I fixed you up with my friend Dorothy for tonight.
07:18A foursome.
07:19Oh, thanks.
07:20You're a good kid.
07:22Flatterer.
07:22Pardon?
07:25Honestly, you men with your silver tongs.
07:28Are you wearing that super green suit?
07:30Me?
07:32Well, yeah, it's the only one I've got.
07:36Honestly, your sense of humour.
07:39Would you like to speak to Geoffrey now?
07:41Well, I'd certainly be safer than listening to your sweet nothings.
07:44Pardon?
07:46A girl's only human, you know.
07:50Er, it's Beryl.
07:52Oh.
07:55Hi.
07:56Honestly, that sexy Roland chatting me up,
07:58he just wouldn't let you on the line.
08:00Oh.
08:04Anyway, see you tonight.
08:05There couldn't be any less communication
08:12if I was going steady with Alf Ramsey.
08:16Er, what's this Dorothy bird look like?
08:19Eddie Waring.
08:20Oh.
08:23I thought so.
08:25Seems to be the rule with birds.
08:27If you provide a mate to make up a foursome,
08:28you pick the grottiest one you know,
08:29then you look like Jane Fonda by comparison.
08:32Q-E-D.
08:32Is my hair all right?
08:38It'll do.
08:38It's no worse than it was in the shop window.
08:44Has this Roland got a car?
08:46I don't know.
08:48If he accidentally made me preggers,
08:50would he marry me?
08:53He usually has with everyone else.
08:56Beryl, you are awful.
09:02Hello.
09:06Hi.
09:07Hi.
09:07Hi.
09:08Hi.
09:08Hi.
09:09Hi.
09:09Hi.
09:13Er, this is Roland and Geoffrey.
09:15Oh, hi.
09:16Hi.
09:17And, er, this is Dorothy, sooth to say.
09:19No, Samantha.
09:20What?
09:21Dorothy couldn't come.
09:21She broke her bifocals.
09:24Told you.
09:24This is Dorothy's pal from the typing pool,
09:28Samantha Rudge.
09:29Typing pool, eh?
09:31Teaching type-branders out to swim.
09:35Honestly, you've missed your way.
09:38It's not just a pretty suit, isn't it?
09:41Suit?
09:42Suit.
09:43Well, are we going to have a drink?
09:45Are we all going to stand here playing Opportunity Knot?
09:47Gin and tonic, please.
09:50Cherry brandy.
09:51Bitter.
09:52Mild.
09:55Right.
09:56Give me a hand to carry him.
09:57No, no, no.
09:58Geoffrey can manage.
09:59You've no need to dash about.
10:01You've no weight to lose.
10:04It's all right.
10:04This chap's needs greater than mine.
10:10A gin and tonic and a cherry brandy
10:13and a bitter and a mild.
10:15And a please.
10:17Pardon?
10:21Oh, yes.
10:21Sorry.
10:22Please.
10:24They're all on drugs, the lot of them.
10:38Is it all right, me sitting here, Geoffrey?
10:40Of course.
10:43Well, what species of day have you had at the bank?
10:47Oh, not too bad.
10:48Geoffrey?
10:49Roland was speaking.
10:51Sorry.
10:52Go on.
10:53Well, er...
10:55Not too bad.
11:00Wild.
11:02Is it Carnaby Street?
11:04What?
11:04This.
11:06Oh, gorgeous material.
11:09Aren't men's clothes fabulous?
11:10Some of them.
11:11Some of them.
11:17Oh, sorry.
11:18What?
11:19I accidentally bumped you with me knee.
11:25Excuse me.
11:27Have I got it wrong?
11:31Erm...
11:32Geoffrey's your, erm...
11:33And I'm with Roland.
11:35That's right.
11:35Oh, thanks.
11:44Have you ever grown a moustache, Roland?
11:47Oh, when I was 11.
11:48The headmaster made me shave it off.
11:51Hey!
11:52You'd look fabulous with a pipe.
11:55And this one's Geoffrey, isn't it?
11:57Yes.
11:59Oh, sorry.
12:03Honestly, your voice on the phone.
12:05All dark brown and vibrant.
12:07Chatting me up something fiendish.
12:13Beryl?
12:14Hmm?
12:15Won't Geoffrey get niggled?
12:19What about?
12:21Well, I mean, you know.
12:22Oh, you're not niggled, are you, love?
12:27No, not at all.
12:29No.
12:32See?
12:32You shouldn't have sat next to me.
12:36Do you chat up all the girls?
12:37Oh, I don't even speak to me, Aunty Frances.
12:41I don't even speak to me, Aunty Frances.
12:43Hey, Roland.
12:43Did you hear that Spurs are after Francis Lee?
12:45Get off!
12:46So I heard.
12:47Francis Lee nearly scored against Brazil, didn't he?
12:50In the World Cup with an header.
12:52If that had gone in, we might have beaten them and qualified for the semi-finals.
13:01Yeah.
13:03We're still about to beat Italy, though.
13:05We'd never have met and would have played Uruguay instead.
13:09Are you interested in football at all?
13:14Good night.
13:17What's wrong?
13:18If you don't know Geoffrey, I'm certainly not going to tell you.
13:20People always say that, and it's the one time there's any point in telling you.
13:25Are you coming to the bus with me?
13:28OK.
13:30I'd rather you didn't, thank you.
13:37What was all that about?
13:40She must have thought I was jealous of her and Roland.
13:42And I wasn't honest.
13:48And I wasn't honest.
13:48Oh, wait, double one, the Battersbees.
14:14Mrs. Battersbees speaking personally.
14:18Hello, Mrs. Battersbees.
14:20It's Geoffrey.
14:21Yes, Geoffrey.
14:24How are you, Mrs. Battersbees?
14:26Very well, thank you.
14:28Oh, good.
14:32Is that all you wanted to say?
14:35Yes.
14:36Oh, no.
14:38Geoffrey, you do realise it's going on for 2,300 hours?
14:41Pardon?
14:45Nearly quarter to 11.
14:48I haven't got you out of bed, have I?
14:49No, dear, you've got me in it.
14:54May I speak to Beryl, please?
14:56Beryl, do you wish to speak to Geoffrey?
14:58I most certainly do wish to speak to Geoffrey.
15:02Geoffrey?
15:02Hello, Beryl.
15:03I don't wish to speak to you.
15:05Beryl, if you're about to indulge in a little Russian drama,
15:12would you please remember your hair's wet
15:13and do it in the bathroom, thank you.
15:17It's just so insensitive as a person.
15:20I shall probably regret asking this,
15:22but what's he done?
15:23Nothing.
15:24Unforgivable.
15:28People are very insensitive to other people's feelings, aren't they?
15:31Could you just move slightly?
15:33You're breaking my leg.
15:33What were you saying?
15:37Doesn't matter now.
15:41He tried to make me jealous, you know.
15:44That'll be the day.
15:45And he was frantically jealous of Roland monopolising me.
15:49Last night you said he was incapable of jealousy.
15:52He's changed.
15:53Last night you said he'd never change.
15:55Last night you said sweet dreams
15:57and I dreamt to hide a moustache
15:58and was in goal against Bobby Charlton
15:59and he shot in 83 goals and no-one loved me.
16:03Oh, Mother, do stop trying to raise one eyebrow at me.
16:06You know you can't do it.
16:07I do wish you'd get married, Beryl.
16:13You do?
16:14I've been filling me bottom drawer since I was nine.
16:20Sorry.
16:22Do you like Geoffrey?
16:23I think he's lovely.
16:24I think he's repulsive.
16:25I think he's repulsive.
16:27Well, you're in no position to judge.
16:28You only know one other man
16:29and he goes to lampshade-making classes.
16:36His pal Roland's crazy about me.
16:39Shall I go out with him instead?
16:41I don't know.
16:43Mother, you're my mother.
16:44Give me advice.
16:46Daughter, you're my daughter.
16:47You wouldn't take it.
16:48You mustn't let girls upset you, Geoffrey.
17:06I don't.
17:11Roland, you're my best pal.
17:14Sorry.
17:15I suddenly lost interest in football.
17:16Roland, speaking as my best pal,
17:20in your opinion,
17:22bearing in mind Beryl's about to finish with me,
17:24shall I pack her in?
17:27Roland?
17:31Roland?
17:34Leave Geoffrey and throw myself at a boy I hardly know.
17:37That's what you wanted me to say?
17:39What have you got against Geoffrey all of a sudden?
17:42Nothing.
17:43Well, why should I stop seeing him?
17:45Beryl, if you prefer this other poor soul...
17:47He's always been nice to you.
17:49Perfect.
17:51You don't like him, do you?
17:52Yes.
17:53You think he's a slob, don't you?
17:54No.
17:55He may not be a tailor's dummy, but he loves me.
17:59Likes me.
18:00That's what matters.
18:01I agree.
18:03Mother, whatever you say, you can't come between us.
18:06What we have is too precious.
18:11I'll stand by him.
18:13Pack her up.
18:15And that's your opinion?
18:16That's my opinion.
18:21I think I'd like a second opinion.
18:26Am I right in thinking your birth sign's cancer?
18:30Yes.
18:31And Beryl's is Libra?
18:33Yes.
18:35Find yourself a Taurus.
18:41Why have you turned against her, Roland?
18:43I haven't.
18:44She's making you miserable.
18:47She's a good kid.
18:48A grand girl.
18:50Do you want to go out with her or something?
18:51Look, you're drunk.
18:53That's a pretty lousy trick, trying to steal a pal's bird.
18:55If you want me, I'm in the loo.
19:01That's a pretty lousy trick.
19:03Pretty lousy.
19:05Samantha, will you go out with me?
19:09No, thanks.
19:12Will you go out with me next week?
19:14No, thanks.
19:19Don't you fancy me, Samantha?
19:21Not in the slightest.
19:23Sorry.
19:23You can give me a straight answer.
19:25I dare.
19:25Don't tell Roland I asked you.
19:31No.
19:33Thanks.
19:33You're welcome.
19:35Please forget I ever mentioned it.
19:37I will.
19:39Will you go out with me the week after?
19:43No.
19:47Roland's right.
19:49She's a great kid, is Beryl.
19:51A little dolly.
19:52Unlucky, baby.
19:56Unlucky, baby.
20:10Beryl?
20:11Would you please let him in before the entire neighbour who gets up and goes to midnight mass?
20:16How do you know it's him?
20:17Well, assuming it isn't Herb Alpert and the Tijuana brass.
20:20I turned to drink, Beryl.
20:28I drove you to it, Geoffrey.
20:31How much have you had?
20:33Just over three pints.
20:34Sit down, look.
20:37Sit down, look.
20:39It's hot.
20:43I'm sorry about tonight.
20:45It was that Samantha female seducing you with football.
20:49Pardon?
20:50Girls can see through other girls, Geoffrey.
20:53I never thought of that.
20:55Seducing with football.
20:58Soft flights.
20:59Sweet music.
21:01The England squad singing,
21:03Back home.
21:04I'll be thinking about you.
21:06I had to leave, love.
21:10Roland was getting a bit, er...
21:12Well, you probably noticed the way he kept looking at me.
21:17Are you keen on Roland, Beryl?
21:19Not at all.
21:20Not three iotas.
21:22Not as much as I am on you.
21:25That's all right, then.
21:28Why?
21:29Would you have been jealous?
21:30Oh, no.
21:32You can a bit, Geoffrey.
21:33Oh, well, I probably would, then.
21:37Slightly, if you fancied him.
21:38Oh, Geoffrey.
21:44Samantha asked me for a date,
21:45but I told her I'd got my full fixture list.
21:50Oh.
21:52She knew all about football, didn't she?
21:55So what?
21:56I couldn't care less if you didn't know the difference
21:58between an overlapping full-back and a corner flag.
22:03A what and a what.
22:08It doesn't matter.
22:10It's wicked to want people to change, isn't it, Geoffrey?
22:13Very.
22:16You wanted me to grow a moustache and smoke a pipe and wear a...
22:19Not anymore.
22:22Honest.
22:23Honest.
22:24Love is accepting a person for what he is.
22:27Love is mutual trust and understanding.
22:30Love is sometimes going home before dawn, Geoffrey.
22:34Hello, Mrs. Battersby.
22:37Good night.
22:38Your electric blanket's just about cooked, Beryl.
22:40Good night, Beryl.
22:53Teach me about football, Geoffrey.
22:55Oh, no, we agreed that we...
22:56I'd like you to.
22:59For your sake.
23:00To please you.
23:04Is Billy Moore a good kicker?
23:05Bobby Moore is, yes.
23:14Godfrey Hurst?
23:19Yes.
23:20Georgie Best?
23:21Of course.
23:22You must take me to see him kicking sometime.
23:25And explain about them running and hitting goals.
23:29For your sake.
23:30To please you.
23:35He has a moustache, hasn't he?
23:40Who?
23:41Georgie Best.
23:44Well, he used to.
23:46Why?
23:47No reason.
23:50I bet he looked fabulous.
23:54Night-night, love.
23:56God bless.
23:58Especially with his pipe and suit.
24:02Pardon?
24:05Tom Hopper.
24:07God bless.
24:08God bless.
24:08God bless.
24:25God bless.
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