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00:40Roland, you're me best mate, aren't you?
00:42Pack her in!
00:44Technically speaking, it is an engagement, and I'd definitely be the first fella in history to break it off with Beryl.
00:48And then I have to face the question, do I really want to?
00:52Yes.
00:53Why did you get engaged in the first place?
00:56I mean, you were doing all right before, weren't you?
00:58Yeah.
01:00Yes!
01:00Of course I was.
01:02Fantastic.
01:04Great.
01:04Well, what are you getting now that you weren't getting before?
01:07And I'd be grateful if you wouldn't spare me any details.
01:10It was 20 past four.
01:11Yes.
01:12On a Saturday afternoon.
01:14Oh, I've never heard of a better reason for getting engaged.
01:17The classified results start coming through at 20 to 5.
01:19I was in order to get home and see them.
01:21But you could have lashed out on a newspaper, Geoffrey.
01:24They're still slightly cheaper than engagement rings.
01:27Roland, I work hard all week.
01:29And one of the few things that make it worthwhile
01:31is watching that teleprinter that types by itself.
01:36Man, you, three, hoodful.
01:43Nil.
01:44I will it to give results.
01:45It works sometimes.
01:47It might be compulsive viewing, Geoffrey,
01:49but is it a good reason for getting engaged?
01:51I'd like to make a point, Roland. It's a very small ring.
01:54There are no small marriages. They're all the same size.
01:57You're not being very helpful, Roland.
01:59I told you what to do. Break it off.
02:01I mean, it's for Beryl's sake rather than mine.
02:04I mean, it's her future and futures shouldn't be entered in too lightly.
02:08What should I say to her in actual words?
02:11The truth. Right. What is it?
02:14Well, you've had time to think about it and you don't want to be engaged any longer.
02:21Beryl, we've been engaged now for over two and a half days.
02:27What happens if she asks me for an actual reason?
02:29Beryl's very attached to actual reasons.
02:31Oh, there's loads of actual reasons.
02:33Fear and trembling don't count.
02:34All right, tell her you're too immature.
02:37Me? What do you think I'd do at night's place?
02:40Scrabble, eat sardine sandwiches or something?
02:42All right.
02:43Tell her that when she's 25 and getting fitted with false teeth,
02:46you'll be 26 and just coming up to your peak.
02:49Roland, are you sure you know the first thing about birds?
02:52Look, the first thing to know about birds, mate, is not to get engaged to them.
02:56Thanks very much, Roland. Thanks very much for your timely advice.
03:00No, I'll tell her in my own way.
03:03Gently.
03:05Tactfully.
03:07Uh, I think you've just stapled a bank statement to your time.
03:16You see, Beryl appreciates those kinds of qualities in a man.
03:21She likes a man to act like a man.
03:23Think I'll get me ring back?
03:27And how's the star of India today?
03:31Have you managed to catch the light in it yet?
03:34I'm not trying to catch the light in it, Mother.
03:36Anyway, large diamonds are vulgar.
03:38Yes, I thought they might be.
03:40While you're up, Beryl, would you give the mother-in-law's tongue an aspirin?
03:43Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
03:45And it just so happens that some people behold in different ways.
03:49I've still got a bruise from that look that Brenda Cheetham gave me
03:52when her eyes happened to be on my finger.
03:55The plant. The mother-in-law's tongue plant.
03:59You know, that Iris Underwood's pathetic.
04:02I'm sure she thinks her square-cut sapphire with diamond shoulders set in platinum,
04:06which I've never particularly noticed,
04:08makes up for a very small fiancé with a sloping forehead.
04:12Mother, how long have you been giving aspirins to plants?
04:15Well, you don't plop them on the soil.
04:18Love, you dissolve them in a glass of water.
04:20All plants respond to a little pick-me-up, you know.
04:23They're only human.
04:26Have you thought about a date yet?
04:28What sort of date?
04:29The sort you find in calendars, love.
04:31Mother, we've only been engaged for 64 hours.
04:34Can't we be in love for a bit before we get married?
04:36Don't leave things to chance, Beryl.
04:38You decide on a date.
04:39Well, Geoffrey might want to say.
04:41Oh, men never make decisions, Beryl.
04:43They just pray they'll go away.
04:45Anyway, I haven't had time to even consider a date.
04:48Not a definite date.
04:50Not a date like, er, say, April the 29th, for example.
04:55Is that a Saturday, love?
04:57Oh, yeah.
04:58Love you.
04:59Me too.
05:00You, I mean.
05:01Oh, Geoffrey B.B.
05:02I never give her a passing fancy these days.
05:03Who?
05:04B.B.
05:05Bridget Bardot.
05:06Bobbles Bon Bon.
05:07Oh.
05:08Oh, I'm sorry, Beryl.
05:09I'll forgive you just this once.
05:10Oh, no, no.
05:11No, you mustn't.
05:12It might not be very much, but it, er, it might prove a very strong point.
05:16To love is to forgive and to forgive as long as you live just this once.
05:17But it might prove we're not as compatible as we thought we were.
05:18Hey.
05:19B.B.
05:20Stands for Beryl Battersby as well.
05:21Beryl Battersby.
05:22Beryl Battersby as well.
05:23Beryl Battersby.
05:24And Geoffrey Bobbles Bon Bon.
05:25It must be fate.
05:26I mean, I'm sorry, Beryl.
05:27Oh, I'm sorry, Beryl.
05:28I'll forgive you just this once.
05:29Oh, no, no.
05:30No, you mustn't.
05:31It might not be very much, but it, er, it might prove a very strong point.
05:32To love is to forgive and to forgive as long as you live just this once.
05:35But it might prove we're not as compatible as we thought we were.
05:39Hey.
05:40B.B.
05:41Stands for Beryl Battersby as well.
05:44Beryl Battersby and Geoffrey Bobbles Bon Bon.
05:48It must be fate.
05:51B.B.
05:52I mean, if we're not as compatible as we think we are, or even as we thought we were.
05:57Well?
05:58B.B.
05:59Well, if we aren't, or if, loosely speaking, we weren't, then in that particular case,
06:04Beryl, I think we ought to call it off.
06:06B.B.
06:07B.B.
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06:59Lomax?
07:01I've been working here two years and he still thinks I'm Roland.
07:04Roland's only been there ten months.
07:05Oh, well, he's bound to be biased, Geoffrey.
07:08You see, he's bald.
07:09Am I irritating you, Beryl?
07:11No, Geoffrey.
07:13I'm safe, I am.
07:14You're not.
07:15I mean, I'll understand, honest.
07:16Oh, you really have had a rotten, miserable morning, haven't you?
07:19I mean, anyone would understand you not looking forward to a lifetime of irritation with me, Beryl.
07:23Hey, why don't you take a belting little bird out to lunch with you?
07:27I don't know any.
07:29Oh, ha.
07:40Beryl?
07:41Beryl?
07:42That's the best picture of Mike Summerbee drawing Chelsea custodian Bonetti off his line
07:46before squeezing a shot past the post for 75 new pence I've ever seen.
07:53In fact, on careful reflection, it's the only picture of Chelsea custodian...
07:57Mrs. Mildred Battersby of Merton Avenue wishes to announce the engagement of her early daughter...
08:04Only daughter!
08:05You can't put that in the paper!
08:07Why not?
08:08It's 37 and a half new pence a line.
08:12Mrs. Mildred Battersby, my only mother, wishes to make the announcement, Geoffrey.
08:16And she wishes to pay 37 and a half new pence a line for it.
08:19Don't you think it, erm, sounds a bit official, putting it in a paper like that?
08:26It's more than a bit official, Geoffrey. It's a whole lot official.
08:29Am I getting on your nerves again, Beryl?
08:32No, Geoffrey, you weren't before.
08:37Ah! What about the post?
08:40What about the things you get in the post?
08:42What sort of things?
08:44Well, you know, things.
08:46Things that can only be sent in plain brown wrappers.
08:51Percy Filth things!
08:53Well?
08:55Well, think of your poor mother, when she comes down in the morning, how embarrassed she'll be.
08:58And she finds Percy Filth lying all over the doormat.
09:02Geoffrey, if I know my mother, she'll be at Percy Filth long before I get the chance.
09:09Well, how do you like it now that you're finally doing it?
09:15What?
09:16Lying in bed with me.
09:18Fully clothed in the middle of a furniture store was not what I had in mind.
09:28Geoffrey, beds are not for bouncing in. Beds are for sleeping in.
09:35Sorry.
09:38What else are they for?
09:41Is that my start of a ten and no conferring?
09:44Honestly, you fiancés, there's no holding you.
09:48Beryl, did my... did my bouncing on the bed annoy you?
09:54It's a nasty habit I've got and I must have millions of them.
09:56Good.
09:58Well, speaking on behalf of my millions of nasty habits, Beryl,
10:01there's something that I've got to say which is of great importance, which affects us both.
10:05Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
10:09Which do you?
10:10I ask first.
10:13In the middle.
10:16Me too.
10:17With nothing on.
10:19In the middle.
10:20With nothing on.
10:21Well, I mean, who does sleep with things on these days? I mean, honestly.
10:30But we both can't sleep in the middle of the bed with nothing.
10:34Is that what you wanted to say?
10:36What?
10:37Something of great importance.
10:40When?
10:40Before.
10:44Can't remember.
10:49Geoffrey, N-O spells no. We're only engaged.
10:53That's true.
10:55Just engaged.
10:56Only engaged. No more, no less.
10:58Just...
10:58Can I help you?
11:02Um...
11:03How much is this sweet?
11:07£380.
11:10Oh, no, no. I don't think you can help me, thank you.
11:14I don't think anybody can.
11:15Come on in. What happened?
11:39What about?
11:40The what about you were on about before you went out.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43I couldn't tell her, Roland.
11:49It's impossible in the middle of Market Street.
11:51If you'd wanted to, you could have told her in five seconds flat.
11:54You've no idea how distracting coloured carrier bags can be.
11:58Look, if you'd wanted to, you could have told her
12:00falling over a cliff with a stick of celery up your nose.
12:03How can you tell her
12:04that you're breaking off the engagement
12:06when she's putting the engagement announcement in the paper?
12:10Oh, well.
12:10So now the old world's in on it.
12:14Well, mainly the Greater Manchester area.
12:17Hey!
12:17They've got a great picture of Mike Somerby.
12:19Not for Blind Ali with his pants down.
12:21No!
12:23Join Chelsea custodian.
12:24Do you know what's wrong with you?
12:26You've got no real motive for not getting married
12:27and no real motive for getting married.
12:30Do you know how much bedroom suites cost?
12:31That's a real motive.
12:39Munich's not in Mexico, is it?
12:42Germany.
12:43Möncheng.
12:43Now, am I right in thinking that Möncheng is nearer than Mexico?
12:49You can always come to me, Roland,
12:50whenever you get stuck on geography.
12:52In three years, we could go to Munich for a fortnight,
12:57see ten World Cup games
12:58and still come home with change from a bedroom suite.
13:00We couldn't.
13:01Three years.
13:02Two years, seven months and three weeks, actually.
13:04We couldn't, could we?
13:05Easy enough for two single lads.
13:08If and when I get married,
13:10how will you manage by yourself,
13:12all alone in this great big rambling house?
13:14Oh, I'll probably just waste away, love.
13:19Will you start talking to yourself and taking in stray cats?
13:23Professional gentlemen, love.
13:25Seeking homely accommodation.
13:28How homely?
13:30Oh, for goodness sake, Beryl,
13:32I'm not going to marry the first bachelor that comes along.
13:34Mother, you're not going to advertise for bachelors, are you?
13:36You don't advertise for bachelors, love.
13:39You recognise them.
13:40They're the ones that never have any buttons missing.
13:42Mother, there must be a lot of divorced men
13:45who can sew buttons on.
13:47Zip fasteners, love.
13:48Divorced men go in for zips a lot.
13:54And they're invariably very good dancers
13:56in the Latin American section.
13:59You will manage to manage without me, won't you?
14:02If and when I get married.
14:03I don't think you'll even miss me.
14:04Oh, of course I'll miss you, Beryl.
14:06I won't simply be gaining a son,
14:08I'll finally be losing a daughter.
14:09Beryl, you're not having second thoughts, are you?
14:14Do you think Geoffrey's really ready for marriage?
14:16Oh, marriage isn't something a man gets ready for, Beryl.
14:19It's something he comes to terms with,
14:21like a receding hairline.
14:24Yeah, but they've got to want to get married.
14:26Oh, Beryl, you do keep getting bogged down
14:28by theory all the time.
14:30Ah, a dashing knight in shining armour.
14:33Oh, it might be Geoffrey.
14:34Oh, good evening, Mrs. Battersby.
14:43Good evening, Geoffrey.
14:45You've hardly changed at all.
14:49Since last Thursday?
14:51Oh, is it as long ago as all that?
14:55I see you're making another lampshade.
14:57Must have quite a lot of them by now.
14:58Must be in the blood.
15:00This one's for a guide dog.
15:02I didn't know they were fond of lampshades, Mrs. Battersby.
15:09They sell them.
15:10Ah, pardon?
15:13I believe you've asked my daughter for her hand in marriage.
15:17Oh, have you heard, Mrs. Battersby?
15:21I, er, I expect Beryl must have mentioned it.
15:23There was a time, Geoffrey, when parents were consulted.
15:26Aren't the one Geoffrey's engaged to?
15:28I wouldn't want to do anything to annoy your mother, Beryl.
15:32Would anyone like a cup of tea?
15:35Well, I think I would.
15:45Your mother lavishes disapproval on me, Beryl.
15:48She loves you like her son.
15:50Eh?
15:50You'll be her son.
15:51We're fabulous knot.
15:54In your tie?
15:56I've never known anyone tie knots like you.
15:59That?
16:01Makes me go all goosey in my erogenous zones.
16:05You haven't got any.
16:08All women have got erogenous zones, Geoffrey.
16:11Mind you to move about a bit?
16:14Where are they now?
16:17They're in me kneecap.
16:19Me left kneecap.
16:20That one?
16:28Ooh.
16:28All you've got to do is just point with your finger and I'm like putty in your hands.
16:33Oh, it is a bit.
16:36Do you want me to play fast and loose with your left kneecap for a little while, Beryl?
16:40Are you feeling nervous?
16:42No.
16:42I'm not.
16:44I am.
16:45Good, so am I.
16:46We've got to be absolutely honest with each other, haven't we, Geoffrey?
16:51Always.
16:51And never do anything behind the other's back.
16:54I wouldn't do anything behind your back, Beryl.
16:56Except my bra strap.
16:59No, no, I've never tried to do it.
17:00I've tried to undo it, but I can't crack the problem.
17:03Hey, when we're married, I might not even wear one.
17:06Oh, except when me mum comes to tea.
17:08I'd never go, never go behind your back for anything.
17:12The World Cup in Munich, for example.
17:13I probably wouldn't bother going.
17:17No, I'd be quite content to stay at home and watch it on telly, if we could afford one.
17:23And Roland can go and other single fellas.
17:25And they'll see it.
17:28Except when your mother comes to tea.
17:30Is that all you think of me, Geoffrey Scrimgell?
17:32That if we got married, I wouldn't let you go to the World Cup?
17:39I went back for it.
17:41Mike Summerfield kicking Chelsea off his line.
17:43Beryl, that's the nicest...
17:47But you didn't want me to buy it at lunchtime.
17:50I don't want to marry a man on my terms, Geoffrey.
17:52I want to marry a man on his.
17:55Come on.
18:01Mother, the traditional way of knocking on a door is before you open it.
18:04It's something to do with coordination, love.
18:08I always stamp my feet before everyone else can listen to Bernard Waltz.
18:13Your father will be all right for Saturday night, won't you, Geoffrey?
18:17Are you playing snooker with him, Mrs. Butter?
18:23All right for the party.
18:25The Beryl's engagement to Geoffrey party.
18:30Mum?
18:30Now don't tell me, Beryl.
18:32I know.
18:32What with all the excitement, the party slipped your mind completely.
18:36Very, very completely.
18:38Now you will tell your father, won't you, Geoffrey?
18:41And your friend at the bank, Ronald.
18:43Roland.
18:44Wow.
18:45Wowee.
18:46How time flies when you're engrossed.
18:50When you what, Geoffrey?
18:51Engrossed?
18:53Discussing Beryl's interest in left kneecap, for example.
18:56Well, good night, Mrs. Battersby.
18:57Good night, Geoffrey.
18:57Oh, my leg's gone to sleep.
18:59Geoffrey!
19:00Good night, Beryl.
19:01Geoffrey!
19:07Has Geoffrey gone long?
19:08Limping rapidly in the general direction of Outer Mongolia,
19:13thanks to an engagement party which hadn't slipped my mind
19:15on account of my mother not having mentioned it
19:17until about a minute ago.
19:21Yes, sir.
19:22Well, er...
19:24I must go to bed.
19:25I've got to get up.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27I've been wandering the streets all night.
19:51Gleaming wet in the moonlight.
19:54All night?
19:54I only got back in time for the wrestling.
19:58LAUGHTER
19:58Did you, er...
20:01No.
20:04Girls aren't like us, Roland.
20:06Well, when I went out with last night is.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:09Plays in goal for King Street Corp.
20:12First team?
20:13Made some great saves.
20:14Got nothing past her.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16Er...
20:18Beryl says I can go to Munich, even if we get married.
20:22Great.
20:23It's very thoughtful of her, isn't it, Roland?
20:26I say it is.
20:27She put a lot of thought into that one.
20:29LAUGHTER
20:30I'm going to have to make a speech, aren't I?
20:33Pardon?
20:34Well, I'm going to get London as your best man, aren't I?
20:37Roland, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to marry the girl.
20:40No?
20:41No!
20:42Well, it doesn't, does it?
20:44All right, it doesn't.
20:46Oh, by the way,
20:47you're invited to the engagement party on Saturday.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50He did say he was coming, didn't he?
20:54Are you trying to find a particular programme, Uncle Arthur?
20:58Any questions?
21:00Oh, it's much too late for any questions, Uncle Arthur.
21:04As a matter of fact, I don't think it's quite the right day.
21:08Well, Beryl, it all seems to be going down very well.
21:11How can you possibly say that, Mother?
21:13It's nearly half past ten and Geoffrey's not here yet.
21:16Oh, well, there's always one or two who don't come, love.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:19He might have a prior engagement or something.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:24Well, it was only a joke.
21:27Oh, God.
21:29Are you enjoying yourself, Ronald?
21:31Yes, thanks, Mrs Buttersby.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:34Battersby.
21:38Roland.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39It's all happening over there.
21:41Somebody else has just got another house on Park Lane.
21:43Well, feel free to get yourself a second glass of Shandy, Roland.
21:51Oh, I'm sorry.
21:53Oh, we've always given you up for lots of time.
21:55Now you're here.
21:56This is Beryl's intended, Arthur.
21:58No, no.
21:59Geoffrey.
22:00I've always been Geoffrey, ever since you've known me.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:02No, no.
22:04This is Arthur.
22:05Mr Buttersby.
22:06Beryl's great-uncle.
22:08Can I leave you two to have a little chat together?
22:11LAUGHTER
22:11Bad luck, Everton, going down to Stoke like that.
22:20Do you like stuffed alligators?
22:24Pardon?
22:26Do you like stuffed alligators?
22:29I've never had one, Mr Buttersby.
22:31Are they nice?
22:32LAUGHTER
22:32Here.
22:36There.
22:46Now, that's for you and for Beryl.
22:49Now, if you don't get married...
22:52..or if you do get married and get divorced,
22:55I'd want it back, you know.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:57You see, you don't come by stuffed alligators every day.
23:03Thanks very much, Mr Buttersby.
23:05You're welcome.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07I thought you'd finally seen the light.
23:15What do you want to turn up at your own engagement party for?
23:18I have finally seen the light, Roland.
23:20I've been thinking about Beryl all day
23:22and I've come to the conclusion that she's the only girl for me.
23:25I'll probably never find another girl like Beryl.
23:28I'll probably never find another girl anyway.
23:30Who's she is?
23:33Hello, Beryl.
23:34You look fabulous.
23:36Fabulous dress.
23:37Hello, Geoffrey.
23:39Beryl, you'll never know what a terrible day I've had.
23:43What a terrible week of torment I've had.
23:45At one point, I even thought about calling off the engagement.
23:49Did you?
23:51At several points, even.
23:52But I'm glad to say it's all over now.
23:55And so am I, Geoffrey.
23:56So there's your ring back.
23:58And I hope the two of you will be very happy.
24:07See you later.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:09APPLAUSE
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