- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh, not again.
00:25Pardon, dear.
00:26Is it an old Gestapo custom always to have sardine sandwiches when Geoffrey comes to tea?
00:31Always in oil.
00:33He likes them in oil.
00:34He eats them in oil.
00:37Oh.
00:40Well, perhaps he eats them to please you.
00:43In my day, a boy climbed mountains and swam oceans for a girl.
00:47But everything's altered since decimals came in.
00:51You're, uh, very fond of playing Scrabble, you and Geoffrey.
00:54It's for after tea.
00:55Hmm?
00:56Here we go.
00:58Pardon, dear?
00:59Mother, I've known you since birth.
01:00When you say, hmm, entire empires have crumbled, you're now going to start asking me embarrassing questions.
01:07I am not.
01:08Good.
01:09Five, four, three, two, one.
01:12Beryl?
01:12How are things between you and Geoffrey?
01:18I am now successfully embarrassed.
01:20Congratulations.
01:20Oh, don't be silly.
01:21Look, we've only been going out three weeks and five days.
01:24Audrey Wiggins' boyfriend proposed after a week.
01:27One, he was stoned out of his head.
01:28Two, she had him in half Nelson.
01:30And three, he was at a party in the dark and he thought she was marrying Tetlow.
01:33Hasn't he said anything?
01:37Oh, Geoffrey.
01:38Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:40Who?
01:41Devil, stop saying who, but I shall smack your legs.
01:44He has said one thing.
01:45What?
01:46If God had meant sardines to be in oil, he'd have given them dipsticks, how's that?
01:52I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Radia by being good at Scrabble.
01:58I may be wrong.
02:05I beg your pardon?
02:07Nothing.
02:08I don't believe it's conversation between mother and daughter.
02:12Beryl.
02:12We live in a permissive society.
02:15Read any colour supplement.
02:17Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
02:19I am, love.
02:19And it wasn't through playing Scrabble.
02:22You are the same mother that lies in bed shouting, isn't it?
02:24Time you went home, Geoffrey, whenever we're alone.
02:27And banging on with Christian soldiers on the ceiling with your shoe.
02:29And making me pull my skirt down every time I stand up.
02:32Yes, well, boys are very...
02:36You know...
02:38I'm not saying, you know...
02:44It's just that you mustn't be too...
02:47You know...
02:48I don't mean permissive permissive.
02:54And I am your mother.
02:57Oh, I see.
02:57I know.
03:03Romantic.
03:04Pardon me?
03:05You see, you've never even heard of it.
03:08Kissing, cuddling, whispering sweet nothings.
03:10Boys like that.
03:12It makes them hear bells.
03:14Wedding bells.
03:16Well, we do.
03:17Do what?
03:18You know.
03:19What you said.
03:21Good.
03:22Not too much, I hope.
03:27Boys are very funny.
03:28They're novices compared to mothers.
03:36Why aren't you coming to night school?
03:38No reason.
03:40Meet me in the pub then after.
03:41You're coughing my notes out over the weekend.
03:43Right.
03:43You're going birding again instead.
03:48Oh, well, only for an hour or so, for me tea.
03:51Nothing heavy.
03:53Getting a bit keen on her, aren't you?
03:56Who?
03:57This barrel bird.
04:00Ah, well, not keen, you know.
04:04Little raver, is she?
04:06Who?
04:06Geoffrey.
04:11Say who once more, and I'll dislocate your head.
04:16Ah, well, uh, she's, uh, she's all right, is Beryl, you know.
04:19It, uh, looks good from here, Apollo, all systems go, you know.
04:23Does she, uh...
04:26What?
04:30What?
04:33Right.
04:33She doesn't, then.
04:39Hey, don't listen, do you?
04:42Geoffrey, a little tip
04:43from one who's worked two weeks in London Head office
04:46and knows what it's all about.
04:47I do great.
04:49Play it cool.
04:51Pardon?
04:53Don't try so hard.
04:55In fact, don't try at all.
04:57Birds only fancy you if you don't fancy them.
05:00Why?
05:00Oh, because they're awkward.
05:04You remember what Venus had tattooed on her chest?
05:06No.
05:08What we can't have, we want,
05:09and what we can, we don't.
05:11So pretend you don't.
05:13I always do.
05:16Same goes for that other bird that fancies you as well.
05:27Hey.
05:27Freckle face.
05:31Ah.
05:32Yeah.
05:33Who?
05:35Freckle face Lambert, third row at night school.
05:44Fancies me?
05:45Ah, nuts about you.
05:47Oh, pal, pass me a note in economic theory.
05:50You play it cool, mate.
05:52You'll do OK.
05:53OK.
05:53OK.
05:57I do anyway.
05:59I do great.
06:02Birds know better than to play games with me.
06:05You're good, Geoffrey.
06:07I do know Mrs Battersby.
06:08I'm pondering Mrs Battersby.
06:11I've got two H's.
06:15Ah.
06:18Thigh.
06:20Oh.
06:23Thigh.
06:23What sort of thigh?
06:29Sort at the top of your leg.
06:33What, what, no, no, not your leg.
06:35Any girl's leg.
06:36A fella's leg.
06:37People's legs.
06:40Your goal, Beryl.
06:48Alter.
06:53Alter.
06:54As in Walter, Walter.
06:56Pardon?
06:58Leave me to the altar.
07:00Oh.
07:04Cupid.
07:06Ah, well, isn't that a proper name, Mrs Battersby?
07:09It certainly wasn't intended to be improper, Geoffrey.
07:19You'll go.
07:20Oh.
07:21Can't you go?
07:26Yes, Freckle.
07:26Eh?
07:27Beryl.
07:28Well, then.
07:30Well, I unfortunately happen to have an X, Mrs Battersby.
07:34Well?
07:36Well, there's only one word I can use it in.
07:39Well?
07:41Well, it happens to be a three-letter word, Mrs Battersby.
07:44Would anyone care to play snap?
07:52Oh, don't be silly, Geoffrey.
07:55We're all over 21.
07:56I'm not.
07:58I'm not.
07:59I'm not.
08:00Y'all go, Beryl.
08:03Gooseberry.
08:05What?
08:07I wonder if Grace Kelly's mother sat up playing Scrabble all night.
08:10When she was supposed to be at her lampshade-making classes.
08:16Oh, no.
08:23Yes, sir.
08:27Goodness, is that the time?
08:30Well, I'm very sorry, but I shall have to leave you two, lovebirds.
08:34Mother, the lampshades are calling.
08:38Yes, indeed.
08:41Pardon?
08:46Shall we sit on the settee, Geoffrey?
08:48It is paid for.
08:52Right.
08:56Beryl?
08:57Oh.
08:58There are more sardines in the fridge should the necessity arise.
09:04Shall I turn the table lamp on?
09:16What's that for?
09:17It's not dark.
09:18You won't be able to do the curtains.
09:21But it's broad daylight.
09:23Innocent passers-by will think somebody's died.
09:25Next door will start collecting for a wreath.
09:28Men aren't very romantic, are they, Geoffrey?
09:31Ah, well, Beryl, I have to meet this mate to borrow his lecture notes,
09:36and the bus goes in six and a half minutes.
09:40Oh, well, if you don't like me.
09:43Oh, well, I do, Beryl, I do, but, um...
09:46Well, I didn't know you'd be feeling so...
09:50Well, you did say come round for a game of Scrabble.
09:53That was my feminine wiles in action.
09:55Oh.
09:59Oh, Beryl.
10:02Hey, you're a groovy kisser.
10:04My nose just fits in that soft bit of your cheek.
10:08You are.
10:09You smell like bath night.
10:12Geoffrey?
10:13When you said about girls' thighs being near the top of the legs...
10:16Put your nose back.
10:17Well, which girls' thighs?
10:19How many girls' thighs have you been out with?
10:21I was explaining what the word meant.
10:26Were they very beautiful girls?
10:28Beryl, I'm keeping the bus stop waiting.
10:31More beautiful than me?
10:33I never want to see you again.
10:37All those girls.
10:39All with thighs.
10:41Two each.
10:42I'll bet you've had a terrible past.
10:45Haven't you?
10:47Not even a teeny bit terrible.
10:49Well, I haven't been out with anyone till you.
10:51Oh, the things you men say.
10:53Honest.
10:54White men speak with forked tongs.
10:56It's true.
10:57Oh.
10:59Except possibly Doreen Gartside.
11:01Was she very beautiful?
11:04Fantastic.
11:05What did she look like?
11:06Sid James.
11:08I thought there was a lot of Percy Filth in evidence then.
11:11None.
11:11She wouldn't even let me teach it.
11:12No, don't tell me the sordid details.
11:15And you threw her over.
11:17And all of them just for me.
11:20There, she packed me in after the first...
11:21You did?
11:22Oh, Geoffrey, that means you love me more than anybody else.
11:26Oh, I see.
11:29You are super, Geoffrey.
11:31Well, thanks.
11:39Same here.
11:42Oh, Beryl.
11:43Oh, Geoffrey.
11:44Geoffrey.
11:44Geoffrey.
11:45Geoffrey.
11:46No spells.
11:47No.
11:49You instructed me to be romantic.
11:51I only said come round for a game of Scrabble.
11:53The 43 bus goes in two minutes and it's a 94-yard run to the bus stop.
11:57And Freckleface.
11:59Pardon?
11:59Where are you going?
12:02You know very well where I'm going.
12:03You've just announced me whole timetable.
12:05Is that it?
12:06Is that what?
12:09Good night, Geoffrey.
12:12Good night, Beryl.
12:13Thanks for the sardines in the Scrabble.
12:18Freckles?
12:21Freckleface.
12:44how's it going on with your bird then great groovy did you win at scrabble what oh that
13:02very cool then how else did um did freckle face say anything to you she's saying it all to you mate
13:17with her eyes what
13:32what shall i do i thought you knew play it cool play it cool right okay i will
13:45i shall
13:50i tell you what what i'll play it cool
13:55everything all right love what's happened hello mom you're crying yes i know
14:08you haven't i never trusted him you can't trust anyone who wears crimson shoes and bottle green
14:18socks now you see what scrabble leads to yeah i only said be romantic
14:24and anyway you shouldn't listen to everything i say
14:29oh perils what are you crying for what are you i'm peeling an onion
14:35what for
14:41do i have to have a reason people usually do when they suddenly find themselves peeling one
14:47your generation doesn't understand anything do you i wanted to it's a free onion
14:53you're not going to cook it i know suppose no oh
14:58just peel it yeah yes i think i'm only here for the beer
15:04dear jeffrey as you only seem to want me for my sardine sandwiches and scrabble instead of the
15:15passionate fire that burns within me i just don't think you fancy me anymore and we should pack it in
15:19i'll never forget you as you walk through the garden of life i'll always love you for what you were and for
15:24what you might have been if you had have been i remain yours sincerely beryl
15:29p.s please excuse the tear stains on this letter goodbye beryl our scrabble days are over
15:47you care nothing for the passionate fire that burns within me
15:51but man cannot live by bread alone beryl even with a sardine in the middle
15:57goodbye beryl i've given up percy filth forever
16:02hello gorgeous you've been very quiet very
16:11it's a strong silent type oh oh
16:20i like his watch strap it's fabulous terrific oh thanks
16:25i like your thighs
16:30what pardon i don't fancy her you know in which case she probably fancies me
16:38in which case as you're probably dying to have your way with me at your place of mine
16:42he's not a bit nice not a bit pardon he's dead big-headed dead i'm not honest i thought he was all
16:57nice and shy i did oh i am i was playing it cool he was being hideous all right tell it to go away
17:07oh pit scram yes
17:17good evening get lost
17:27i fancy him with the plaster on his neck
17:30oh i'd rather have his friend oh always have to be different don't you
17:35oh that's unusual for a saturday morning what jeffrey is running jeffrey oh how romantic
17:45unless of course it's coming to finish our gain of scrabble
17:48look who's here in his nice crimson shoes
18:06morning beryl morning jeffrey yes well i do believe the washing up's calling yes
18:13oh you look as though you've been crying i hoped you wouldn't notice
18:26beryl the gpo very kindly delivered this letter oh
18:32i think it's an offense to send here stained literature through her majesty's mail
18:36i had to dry out my entire writing pad in the airing cupboard i couldn't sleep either or eat
18:44well your your mum's had a hearty breakfast then
18:46well she made me eat five or six cornflakes because they're starving in india
18:57beryl you can't pack me in for not fancying you it isn't true it was last night ask that city it
19:02wasn't it wasn't it wasn't i'm very interested in the passionate fire that burns within you
19:10prove it
19:12pardon
19:15beryl it's ten o'clock on a saturday morning and you're a man and i'm a woman and me man's in
19:20the kitchen beryl and you've got your sexy aftershave even though you haven't had a shave
19:25oh jeffrey oh beryl oh no i'm a man and you're a woman and your mom's in the kitchen precisely
19:37i'm fed up
19:42i think i am
19:46girls are too complicated for me it'd be easier having an affair with a radio telescope at jodrell bank
19:51sir bernard lovell's very nice he has very attractive ears all goes the same they want you
20:00to play it cool till you actually do men do and be shy till you actually are so do men and be percy
20:07filth till you actually try it and men do you know what venus had tattooed on her chest no hard
20:12luck lads we are the champions you never want to percy filth when i do you never do beryl i did just
20:23now only because you knew we wouldn't well you didn't only because you thought we would pardon
20:30you only fancy me when i say no so do you
20:33oh what we can't have we want and what we can we don't
20:44you're repulsive you're gruesome
20:49oh jerry
20:54hello mrs fattisby why what well-oiled doors you have
20:56i was just saying to beryl yes if sir alf ramsey had brought on knobby styles to mark grabowski we
21:05might have beaten germany in the world cup and i was saying it was six months ago and it's too
21:09late to do anything about it now and he must try and forget it i know what you two were doing
21:15do you and neither of you can win uh we know not when you play me at scrabble
21:21oh plotting to beat me weren't you well it occurred to me in the kitchen that i win last night's game
21:29i can get all my letters out in one word 50 points chastity
21:37chastity wins is there a why in chastity oh yes mrs battersby a very big one
21:43not to mention a whopping great wherefore and i'll tell you something else pretty frightening
21:52have you got any sardine sandwiches left no because i just fancy one terrifying
22:13so
22:21so
22:27so
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