- yesterday
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00:00Music
00:04Music
00:08Music
00:14Music
00:20Music
00:26Music
00:28Music
00:32Music
00:38Music
00:40Music
00:42Music
00:44Music
00:46Music
00:50Music
00:54It's fascinating how the human mind matures.
00:56A mere year ago, I thought she looked about as sexy as Malcolm Muggeridge, but now I don't think that at all. I'm bloody certain.
01:04Anyway, I'm not making the first move. I'm not crawling. No spells, no.
01:10It can live without me for another 13 and a quarter months. Let him count the days, I won't.
01:14Or 409 of them.
01:17God, she's ugly.
01:19Ugly old Beryl.
01:21No, that's not fair.
01:23Ugly old stupid Beryl. Credit where it's due.
01:28I'm only looking at this because I'm interested.
01:31I've always been interested in breastband posters.
01:36If all girls were as ugly as Beryl, there'd be no population explosion. Put fellas off forever.
01:42Be a boon to the building industry. Monasteries shooting up like supermarkets.
01:48Still as debonair as ever I notice.
01:50Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
01:54Bearing steady with a set of traffic lights.
01:57Still, who else would have him?
01:59And boring.
02:02That's it.
02:03Boring, ugly, and stupid.
02:08And ugly.
02:10Have I said that?
02:11A very ugly girl.
02:18Oh, God, I want a raper.
02:22It was a song I was singing.
02:27The words are not often heard on account of it being banned by the BBC.
02:33It's not surprising with words like that.
02:38I'm not singing it now.
02:40I'll whistle.
02:41You fancy him, don't you?
02:54Who?
02:55Geoffrey.
02:57Never.
02:58You do, Beryl.
03:00I do not.
03:01N-O spells no.
03:03Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:05Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:07Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:08Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:09Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:10Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:11Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:12Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:13Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:14Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:15Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:16Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:17Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:18Oh, God, I want to nibble his earlobe.
03:19hello
03:45I didn't see you
03:48no, Normie
03:49long time
03:5213 months, 6 days, roughly
03:555
03:556, it was a Tuesday
03:56are you going that way?
03:59yeah, no, not specially
04:01you're going that
04:02yeah, well, well, I was sort of
04:06I was going to the pictures
04:07I was
04:08which?
04:10which were you?
04:11any
04:11I was
04:18you look fabulous
04:21you do
04:23super socks
04:25well, thanks for seeing me home, Geoffrey
04:53hey
04:54goodnight, Geoffrey
04:55aren't I coming in, Beryl?
04:58no, Geoffrey
04:59but, um
05:00I've seen you home, though, Beryl
05:03yes, I remember, Geoffrey
05:04it was me that mentioned it, Geoffrey
05:06that's why I said thank you, Geoffrey
05:07can I come in?
05:10no, spells no
05:11I hope I didn't bring you out of your way
05:12only in direction
05:13we catch a 43 bus on the Isle of Capri
05:17I live on the North Pole
05:19and you live in Zulu land
05:20it's not even as a junkie crow flies
05:23listen, Geoffrey
05:25I'm not a Zulu
05:26naturally, I can't speak for the other girls you take out
05:29and for the sake of total accuracy
05:31the 43 bus stop is not the Isle of Capri
05:33even with a Cocker Spaniel weeing all down
05:35can I come in?
05:40well, there's an old spell
05:42goodnight
05:44you do say funny things
05:47when?
05:49then
05:49I was being serious
05:51oh, there you go again
05:53honestly, your sense of humour
05:54seemed a bit like old times tonight
06:00in one way
06:01yeah
06:02not in the other
06:04pause
06:05nothing
06:07no, you spoke, Geoffrey
06:08you did, honest, with words
06:10no, not spoke
06:12sighed
06:13aww
06:15why were you sighing, Geoffrey?
06:18life
06:19409 days ago
06:22what might have been
06:25if you hadn't been so flaming passionate
06:28Geoffrey, swim jump
06:29making indecent suggestions
06:31interfering with me garments
06:32are you sure you're not confusing me with some other Zulu?
06:38409 days ago
06:39you used to invite me in for a bit
06:40would you care to repeat that?
06:46409 days ago
06:47you used to invite me in
06:49thank you
06:50not now
06:52nor in the future
06:53thank you
06:55I wouldn't mind interfering with your socks
07:00I'd interfere them right into the Manchester ship canal
07:04I see you've had the woodwork painted
07:13mustard
07:13nice
07:14we think it's revolting
07:16I see the Jacksons have got BBC2
07:26only the Ariel
07:26and it isn't the Jacksons now
07:32it's the Cowgirls
07:34Mr. and Mrs. Cowgirl
07:36married couple
07:38newlyweds
07:40not long married
07:41met each other six months ago
07:44and then got married
07:45and now they're married
07:48he must have asked her to marry him
07:51I suppose
07:52so they had this wedding
07:54and got married
07:55you still do it I notice
07:57what?
07:58pluck your sideboards
07:59every time the word marriage
08:00accidentally happens to slip out
08:02accidentally
08:03goodnight
08:05Geoffrey
08:06what?
08:08thanks for seeing me home
08:09look
08:11can I come in Beryl
08:12I know exactly what N-O spells
08:13I've mastered it
08:15oh Geoffrey
08:16oh Beryl
08:17okay
08:18oh good evening Mrs. Battersby
08:22how nice to see you so suddenly
08:24sardine sandwiches
08:25always were your favourite
08:26weren't they?
08:27eh?
08:28on the table
08:29how did you know
08:30I was going to come back?
08:31no warn me this morning
08:32how did you know
08:36oh for God's sake
08:37go in
08:37she's been cutting
08:45sardine sandwiches
08:46for 409 days
08:47she's absolutely nice
08:49has she got her own trawler?
08:52sit down Geoffrey
08:54you're not among strangers
08:56what an interesting shade of shoe
08:58and how's your father?
09:01still spits a lot does he?
09:06talk to her
09:08I can't speak Portuguese
09:09I can't hold long conversations about
09:27the bread's extremely wholesome
09:29probably the bleach
09:31yes
09:34I can't hold long conversations about sardine sandwiches
09:40my mind goes blank
09:41I start thinking about life after death
09:44talk about something else then
09:46the room's looking very colourful Mrs. Battersby
09:55needs decorating
09:56oh
09:57I see you've had the outside done
10:06mustard
10:07revolting isn't it?
10:08I really like it
10:13yes
10:14yes indeed
10:15me too
10:16nice
10:17oh
10:21I'll do that mum
10:22oh into your wrist
10:23what wrist?
10:25sprained wrists
10:26can be very painful
10:27I haven't sprained it
10:28you could do
10:30doing that
10:31oh yes
10:32right
10:32would you excuse me
10:35Geoffrey
10:35if I leave you for a moment
10:36oh
10:37must you
10:38Mrs. Battersby
10:39why we've
10:39we've hardly had time
10:40for a chat
10:41um
10:42oh
10:43what lovely plates for example
10:45nice design
10:46plain brown
10:48no I have to go up love
10:51I want to er
10:52I want to polish
10:53Beryl's nails
10:54her nails all seem to be down here
11:01Mrs. Battersby
11:01me false ones
11:06yes
11:07the church
11:09I'll say goodnight then
11:12oh
11:12what a shame
11:14now not too late
11:15Babble
11:15you know how sickly
11:16you look in the morning
11:17her eyes go like
11:19thin slits
11:19all pink
11:20yeah right mum
11:21and late night
11:22it's been late for work
11:23Geoffrey
11:23and you have your career
11:24to think of
11:25we're on strike
11:26well let's pick it duty
11:30I was going to say
11:31something before
11:32what was it
11:32goodnight I think
11:34oh yes
11:34goodnight then Geoffrey
11:35goodnight Mrs. Battersby
11:37night God bless
11:38and don't leave it
11:41another year
11:41before we see you young man
11:43she's getting lovelier
11:44every day
11:44our beddle
11:45especially now
11:47she's got her new
11:47airpiece and iron tablets
11:49all the boys are after her
11:52there's plenty more fish
11:54in the sea Geoffrey
11:55thousands
11:56and about three
11:59very lonely sardines
12:00I've put my light out
12:15I've put it on again
12:29oh what have you been eating
12:36not daft your mother
12:39hello Geoffrey Bobble's bonbon
12:45hello Beryl
12:47we're us again aren't we
12:49together again
12:51yes Beryl
12:52must have been fate I expect
12:55interposing
12:56yeah funny
12:58right out of the blue
12:59just like that
13:00bumping into each other
13:01hang on
13:06how could you warn
13:09your mother this morning
13:10that I'd be here tonight
13:11fate didn't interpose
13:12till this afternoon
13:13I didn't warn her
13:27I said in case
13:27in case I accidentally
13:29happen to bump into you
13:30girls' mothers always
13:32accidentally make sardines
13:33sandwiches Geoffrey
13:34nobody's out to trap you
13:37honest
13:39honest
13:40you've got to trust me
13:42I do
13:43I do
13:46I think I must
13:49probably do
13:50thank you
14:08Oh, Beryl.
14:21Oh, Jeffy, Bobble's bon-bon.
14:23Oh, Beryl.
14:24Oh, Jeff, Jeff.
14:25Oh, Beryl!
14:27What was that squashing? Don't tell me!
14:30No, not squashing.
14:32Splintering.
14:33Pardon?
14:34Your elbows were splintering me ribs.
14:38Is that it?
14:44Would you like one with the sardine scrapes off?
14:47Beryl, we live in a permissive society.
14:49Not on the street, we don't.
14:51Everybody's at it.
14:52Not with me, they're not.
14:54All girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
14:57Not this one, Jeffrey. I'm the silent majority.
15:00It's only manners, Beryl.
15:02Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
15:05I want to talk to you.
15:09My ma'am.
15:11Has she taken up Morris dancing?
15:13Which remind me to be a good girl.
15:15She's not going to need the Red Army Ensemble then, is she?
15:19Jeffrey, sex isn't the only thing in life.
15:21It isn't even one of the things in mine.
15:23The last time we went steady, you said, and I quote,
15:28The Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble, but our love is here to stay.
15:35I was miming to Frank Sinatra on the reprise label.
15:38It stayed 11 and a half weeks.
15:40It wasn't my fault.
15:41Both our faults.
15:43We had conflicting ambitions in life.
15:46A ring on my finger.
15:47A ring on my finger.
15:48All you ever talked about were rings on fingers.
15:51If a mate of mine asked me to give him a ring, I'd say,
15:53Right, what's your finger?
15:55What about you, Percy Phil?
15:57Jeffrey, please scringe your thank you.
15:58What was Percy Phil's ambition in life?
16:00To send my knickers to Oxfam?
16:02Do you want to go out with me again, Jeffrey?
16:15Yes, Beryl.
16:17Why, Jeffrey?
16:20Well, being totally honest.
16:22Brutally.
16:25Because I have a very high regard for you as a person.
16:27For your upright character and pleasing personality.
16:33And that's honestly all?
16:37Well, I, um, I do, unfortunately, sometimes happen to have a slight temporary urge to Percy
16:44Filth.
16:46But it's only very slight and very temporary.
16:48Jeffrey, you're going to cut yourself.
16:50Pardon?
16:50Your nails.
16:52Gouging into your flesh.
16:55Oh.
16:56Oh.
16:57Yes, thanks.
16:58I was, um, I was gouging for a minute.
17:02Now I'll be honest with you.
17:04To be brutally honest, Jeffrey, I'm honestly not looking for a husband.
17:07Honestly.
17:08I want us to go out because of your sense of humour and interesting mind.
17:14Whose?
17:15Yours.
17:19Pleasure.
17:20You, um, you don't care about marriage?
17:25Not at all.
17:27You don't care about Percy Filth?
17:31Not in the slightest.
17:34Right?
17:36Right.
17:37Oh.
17:37Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:38Oh.
17:39Oh.
17:40Oh.
17:42What?
17:44What about Paul McCartney?
17:46What about Paul McCartney?
17:48Why do you have a picture of Paul McCartney on your bedside table?
17:52Is it because of his sense of humour and interesting mind, or did he win the Percy Filth Championship
17:57of Europe?
17:59Why do you have one of Bridget Bardo?
18:01I haven't.
18:02No.
18:03I haven't.
18:03I burnt it.
18:03I burnt Paul.
18:06Did you?
18:08Honest.
18:09Right.
18:10Now what?
18:15Has she fallen out of bed again?
18:18You know she's on the wrong side of 90, don't you?
18:21Your mother?
18:22Bridget Bardo.
18:24Reliable sources in Saint-Tropez reckon she's pushing 97.
18:29Well, she don't look it.
18:30Not in my photo.
18:31Well, you've had it since you were 11.
18:33Went straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardo overnight.
18:37Anyway, I've torn it up now.
18:41Burnt it, you said.
18:45Yeah.
18:46Burnt it.
18:48Like you did with Paul McCartney.
18:51Oh, yes.
18:53Beryl?
18:58Yes, Geoffrey?
18:59Would you care to rip my trousers off and have your way with me?
19:06Honestly, your sense of humour and interesting mind.
19:13Beryl, I could eat you.
19:15Even in oil.
19:17Oh, Geoffy Bubbles, Bonbon.
19:18Oh, Beryl.
19:19Oh, Geoffrey.
19:20Oh, Beryl.
19:20Geoff!
19:22I thought you loved me.
19:23Well?
19:24Well, that wasn't love.
19:25It wasn't flipping friendship.
19:26I do hate tights.
19:35Yeah!
19:35Casting crimson shoes round the room.
19:43You could have caused serious damage.
19:45It's all right.
19:46It's always hanging off anyway.
19:48To the room.
19:49To the room.
19:49I'm fed up
19:54Drown yourself
19:55Thank you
19:55In bromide
19:56I was only caressing the hook of your bra
20:00You were starting
20:02The only girl I know with a reinforced concrete bra
20:07I'm fed up
20:11Drown yourself
20:12Thank you
20:13In Spanish fly
20:14And what kind of bras do your other girlfriends have then?
20:18Paper tissue
20:19Do you have a paper tissue, please?
20:43England should never have lost to West Germany
20:45In the World Cup
20:48Geoffrey, that was six months ago
20:51We were leading 2-0 with 20 minutes to go
21:02Geoffrey, they're lost
21:04There's nothing you can do about it
21:06Forget it
21:06I have
21:08I never even think about it
21:11Geoffhurst nearly made it 3-0
21:15Don't cry, Beryl
21:21I don't know what to do when you cry
21:24My sideboard's hurt
21:26May I blow my nose, please?
21:31It would make me very happy
21:33As a friend
21:35Geoffrey, we've got to come to an understanding
21:41All your mascara's run
21:43We've got to give and take its eyeliner
21:46Is it true it's made from camel's bladder?
21:50Geoffrey, I hereby promise never to utter the word marriage again
21:53Well, until I get married
21:56If I ever do
21:58Get married
21:59Which I never will, thank goodness
22:02Get married
22:03To my partner in marriage
22:06Sharing the joys of married life
22:09Bringing up the children of the marriage
22:12In the married sanctity of happily married marriage
22:15For someone who's not uttering something
22:17When's your LP coming out?
22:20Geoffrey, I'm very happy to tell you
22:23You're the last person on earth I'd ever marry
22:25Beryl
22:29That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
22:33And that's my side of the bargain
22:37Hmm
22:40I, erm
22:41I bet there's probably another side
22:44Yeah
22:44Yes
22:45Mine
22:48Yours
22:49Yes
22:49No more Percy Philz
22:53No
22:54No
22:54Great
22:55Geoffrey
22:57If you hereby promise to stop grabbing all my moving parts
23:01I'll hereby promise to stop accidentally breaking my heel
23:05Every time we accidentally pass a jeweller's window
23:07Alright
23:07Look
23:10I only don't want you to
23:12Because I want you to
23:14Pardon?
23:15Percy Philz
23:16For that matter
23:18You only want to
23:19Because you don't want to
23:21I thought that I did
23:25And you didn't
23:26Oh that's because you're a man you see
23:28You're so illogical
23:29You may stroke my shoulder blade in sympathy
23:34No spells no
23:38I don't fancy you a bit
23:43You could swing naked from Mr and Mrs Cowgirl's BBC too Ariel
23:47And I wouldn't so much as pluck her hair
23:50That's nice
23:53Good night then
23:55Good night love
23:56Give me a ring tomorrow
23:57A telephone ring I mean
23:59On the telephone
23:59And don't cry anymore
24:02Your eyes will go all piggy and puffy
24:04No
24:05That's when I'm tired
24:06They're merely moist and limpid when I'm heartbroken
24:10Well
24:12Thanks for a terrific evening
24:14It was super wasn't it
24:17Wild
24:18I'm glad he doesn't fancy me
24:21Very glad
24:23It's very gladdening that's why I'm glad
24:26I don't want anyone to fancy me
24:29I don't want anyone to fancy me
24:29Except you Paul
24:38Night night
24:41Percy filth
24:43I'm glad she doesn't want to marry me
24:53It just so happens I don't want to marry her
24:56Just so happens I don't want to marry anybody
25:02Miss Bardot
25:13Marry me
25:16You know what they say
25:19Once you've had a Manchester lad you never touch anything else
25:26virget a new year
25:29Joncat
25:38Kelly
25:51But
25:51I don't know what they're doing
25:51You know what I gathered here
25:53I don't know
25:53I don't know what they're doing
25:55I don't know what they're doing
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