- 2 days ago
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00:00Piano music
00:30Hello, dear.
00:37Coffee?
00:38Please.
00:39Uh, no, thank you.
00:41Pardon?
00:42I don't want a coffee, Geoffrey.
00:44But you just said...
00:45I've changed my mind.
00:47But you always have a coffee barrel every day.
00:49Yeah, well, I do want a coffee, Geoffrey.
00:51Ah, you've changed your mind again.
00:52It's just that I don't really need a coffee.
00:55Oh.
00:57Some sort of trick, isn't it?
00:59No.
01:00No, it's five new pence a cup.
01:03Well, I get the coffees in barrel every day.
01:06Two cups.
01:07Ten new pence a day.
01:08Fifty new pence a week.
01:10That's about £25 a year.
01:12We'll think what we could buy with that.
01:14Two cups of coffee every day.
01:16I mean, for the house.
01:19Or the flat.
01:20Or the wigwam, Geoffrey,
01:22but we've got to have somewhere to live next April
01:23when we're wife and man.
01:24Man and wife.
01:27What's the difference?
01:28Well, unfortunately, Beryl,
01:30men do get regrettable urges to pursue filth
01:34after eating egg and cress sandwiches.
01:36Geoffrey, please refrain from fondling my left kneecap.
01:39I'm not.
01:41You are.
01:42I'm practising gear changes.
01:44Up into second, across into third.
01:46Geoffrey, you're being devious.
01:48Underhanded.
01:49In a respectable sandwich bar.
01:52Geoffrey?
01:54Geoffrey!
01:54You've not swivelled your leg away, Beryl,
01:57to signify disapproval.
01:59Honestly, one egg and sex sandwich.
02:01Cress, Beryl.
02:03Egg and cress.
02:05If you've done, Chuck.
02:06And we've got a bit of a stampede on today.
02:09Two copies, please.
02:12You're a pretty cool chick yourself, kid.
02:15A thought has just struck.
02:16How are you fixed for Thursday?
02:19Oh, er, somewhere exotic.
02:22Have you ever been, er, around the back of our city?
02:26I'll take five and blow the scene, man.
02:27What's the matter?
02:29Well, it's private.
02:30It's a bird, innit?
02:31It's not a bird.
02:32It's Beryl.
02:34Hi, Holland.
02:35Chunky Chop's freak face has just walked in.
02:37Thank you, Roland.
02:38It's a groovy doll, that.
02:41Hello, Beryl.
02:41Freak face the fiancée speaking.
02:45Yeah, Roland says you're a groovy doll, Beryl.
02:49Right.
02:51Beryl says you're a gas.
02:53Oh?
02:55Oh, well, yeah, I suppose he must be if you say so, Beryl.
02:57What, what, what?
02:58Dead drooly.
03:03What?
03:03Oh, we always go to the pictures on Tuesday.
03:07Well, I know we don't need to go, Beryl, but...
03:10All night?
03:13Well, no, I haven't got anything against you, Mother's television set, Beryl,
03:15but it's just that she, she...
03:18Is she?
03:20Good hell.
03:22Oh, well, yeah, you're right, Beryl.
03:23I mean, we may want to go, but do we really need to go?
03:29Um, I do you, too.
03:35Bye.
03:35Bye.
03:35Do you fancy Beryl, Roland?
03:41Oh, you're me best mate, Geoffrey, and Beryl's your bird.
03:44Well, you can still fancy her, can't you?
03:46I could do, and I would do, but I don't, because I don't, right?
03:48Why not?
03:49There's lots of blokes eye her up when I take her out.
03:52I mean, she's, um, all right, isn't she, Roland?
03:54Pure caramel.
03:54I mean, I only ask, because she, um, she seems to think you're all right.
04:05Oh, well, she's just trying to mix it, put the thumbs in.
04:08What do you mean?
04:09She's desperate to get married.
04:11Oh, now, come on, Roland.
04:12I mean, Beryl might want to get married, but she's certainly not desperate.
04:15She is as desperate as a packet of poison, mate.
04:19Well, I don't understand why she's trying to mix it.
04:22Because a fella's best mate, Geoffrey, is a bird's biggest threat.
04:26Who am I persuading not to get married?
04:27Me, Beryl's mum, or Beryl?
04:30Oh, forget it.
04:32Well, what's all that how you fix for Thursday round the back of our settee about, then?
04:36It's called knocking yourself out trying to think of something to say.
04:39I don't see Beryl Thursdays.
04:41Thursday's my night off.
04:42I know.
04:43She always steams her face on Thursdays.
04:46Well, to cleanse the skin of impurities.
04:48It doesn't take all night to squeeze out a few blackheads.
04:52Just you say that again, Roland.
04:53Well, it doesn't take all night to squeeze out a few blackheads.
04:57All right.
04:58Oh, it's a definite type of bird, is that?
05:00They always steam their face on Thursdays, always shave their legs on Fridays,
05:03always soak their corns on Saturdays.
05:05I happen to love Beryl, Roland, warts and all.
05:07And what night does she do then?
05:10That doesn't deserve an answer, Roland.
05:12And that's what people say when they can't give one Geoffrey.
05:16Anyway, how do you know that it's love?
05:18Love defies description, Roland.
05:20It's a feeling.
05:22It's a hungry burning deep down inside of you.
05:25Yearning.
05:27Hungry yearning deep down inside of you.
05:29Hungry burning's indigestion.
05:32Do you mind if we just drop the subject?
05:33Great.
05:34Fine by me.
05:35Right.
05:35Right.
05:35Do you see?
05:36She's screwing things up between us already.
05:38She's not a she, Roland.
05:40She's a Beryl.
05:43There you are.
05:46Now, how are you fixed for Thursday night?
05:49Second leg with Spartak.
05:52You and me?
05:53Well, it's up for me and she.
05:54Oh, Geoffrey.
05:58Oh, Geoffrey, Geoffrey, Geoffrey.
06:02You're where it's all at, aren't you?
06:04All the wow.
06:05Yeah.
06:07All the what?
06:09All.
06:11The.
06:13Wow.
06:13You've changed a bit recently, haven't you, Beryl?
06:18I've not really changed, Geoffrey.
06:20Well, on careful reflection, Beryl, you'll find that this is the first time you've had me pinned down on this setting.
06:25The flame needs the moth, Geoffrey, just as much as the moth needs the flame.
06:29There's no answer to that.
06:31Except.
06:34It's a great way of saving money, too, isn't it, Beryl?
06:36Yeah.
06:37Which we started saving six months ago.
06:40Geoffrey.
06:40Well, I was only thinking of further economy measures, Beryl.
06:46You were only thinking of trying to take my bra off, Geoffrey.
06:48Yeah, well, if we took it off, it'd save on the general wear and tear of bras.
06:53I mean, it's not a physical thing, Beryl.
06:56I mean, once you've seen one, you've seen them all.
07:00What?
07:03The thing is.
07:08If you mean bras, Geoffrey, then say bras.
07:10I don't think I do.
07:16Well, you may think you've seen them all, Geoffrey Scrimgeour, but you've certainly never seen mine.
07:19Well, they haven't perfected it yet.
07:20What?
07:21See-through tarpaulin.
07:24Hey.
07:25Why aren't you angry, Beryl?
07:26They're not worth getting angry about.
07:28What do you mean?
07:30Oh, honestly, they're really your big hangover, aren't they?
07:34Hang up, not hangover.
07:35And they're not.
07:36You think I'm old-fashioned, don't you?
07:40No.
07:40No, no, no, no, no, I don't.
07:42You do?
07:43All right, then.
07:45What are you doing?
07:45Stripping off.
07:47What for?
07:47For you.
07:48Oh, no, no, come on, Beryl, stop it.
07:49Geoffrey, I'm only doing what you've shown an express interest in doing for the last 391 days.
07:54Oh, well, that's different.
07:56Why?
07:56Well, I don't want it on a plate, Beryl.
07:57I want to cook it myself.
08:06Just ignore me.
08:09I won't be but a moment.
08:12Good evening, Geoffrey.
08:13Is it a fall or a submission?
08:16Hello, Mrs. Battersby.
08:17You're supposed to be out making lampshades for redundant pit ponies.
08:20Anyone can forget a lampshade, Beryl.
08:25It's a perfectly normal human failing.
08:27I'm quite forgetful myself at times, Mrs. Battersby.
08:30Oh, that won't do, Geoffrey.
08:31You must learn to concentrate.
08:33It's just behind you, love.
08:35Would you mind passing it over?
08:37Certainly, Mrs. Battersby.
08:39Your lampshade is my command.
08:43Not that one, Geoffrey.
08:45Down by the side.
08:47Oh.
08:49Oh.
08:50Here you are, Mrs. Battersby.
08:53Power to the people.
08:57Well, make the most of it while you can.
09:01Aren't you bringing it back then, Mrs. Battersby?
09:07I'm talking about being engaged, Geoffrey.
09:10Make the most of it while you can.
09:12Oh.
09:13Oh, thank you.
09:14I've been engaged myself, you know.
09:17Oh, yes.
09:17It's rather like the calm before the storm.
09:19I had heard that parents, once upon a time, used to let engaged couples sleep together.
09:26Mrs. Battersby.
09:30In the same bed, with a plank down the middle to separate them.
09:37Is there nothing nice on television, Beryl?
09:39Bundling.
09:40I beg your pardon?
09:41Well, that's what it was called.
09:42Bundling.
09:43These parents letting their sleep bundling.
09:47I'm not surprised.
09:49You didn't tell me Geoffrey was such a mine of vile information, Beryl.
09:53I saw Mrs. Garstang today, Beryl.
10:00Their dunes just got engaged to a joiner.
10:03And the things he's done for Mrs. Garstang.
10:06Completely gutted the kitchen.
10:09Built beautiful wall units all the way round.
10:13He's building a storm porch for her this weekend.
10:15If maybe you want to open a bank account, Mrs. Battersby, can you ask me, please?
10:22I've got a feeling your mother will never love me like a joiner-in-law.
10:26What are you doing?
10:27Making a mini.
10:29But that looks like, um...
10:31A tea towel.
10:32Oh, we've got to save where we can, Geoffrey.
10:35We're not saving much on tea towels, are we?
10:38Seems a bit drastic, doesn't it?
10:40Why don't you have a look what's on the telly?
10:51Do you, er...
10:53Do you like Roland, Beryl?
10:55He's all right, if you like oil wells.
10:58Pardon?
10:59He gushes a lot.
11:02Not, um, dead drooly?
11:04Oh, that was me just being polite on the telephone, Geoffrey, for your sake.
11:08I mean, you keep telling me he's your best friend.
11:09He is.
11:11Right, well, you don't want me to insult your best friend, do you?
11:13No.
11:14Right.
11:15Anything on?
11:17Show jumping.
11:19Every time I switch on these days, there seem to be horses jumping over giant Lego sets.
11:25What's on the other side?
11:27That is the other side.
11:29Well, do you want to make a cup of tea?
11:32Well, I, um, I want to make one, Beryl, but do I really need to make one?
11:37Yeah.
11:38I agree.
11:39I'm not very good at it, though.
11:41Well, it'd be good practice for when we get married.
11:44You know, lots of husbands get up first thing in the morning and make tea for the wives.
11:49Oh, er, you'll find a penny hanging up behind the kitchen door, love.
11:53And I only don't want you to spoil your suit, Geoffrey.
11:56I mean, I can't stand seeing men with pennies on.
12:02Not even husbands.
12:03Look, I only said it because I didn't want you to spoil your suit, Geoffrey.
12:30I mean, that suit has got to last us a bit longer, hasn't it?
12:35I'm thinking of making myself a double-breasted bath towel.
12:37Oh, you're joking.
12:41And all morning I thought you'd probably be spitting tacks.
12:44Cress.
12:46Look.
12:48Good for you.
12:49Loads of iron.
12:51Open wide.
12:54Love you.
12:55When did you first fall in love with me?
13:04Well, I didn't actually fall in love with you all at once, Beryl.
13:08I mean, nothing went boring like it's supposed to do.
13:11Oh.
13:12Well, I did wait for something to go boring.
13:15Well, if nothing went boring, Geoffrey, something must have eventually gone clunk.
13:19Tosha, right in the centre of the net.
13:21Oh.
13:23I'm sorry, Geoffrey, but I don't quite follow.
13:26I started with a high cross from Steve Iway.
13:30Liverpool were leading 2-0 at half-time, and I said to myself,
13:33hey, they've got the wind in the favour, and I think I definitely love Beryl.
13:40It's not quite what most girls dream of, Geoffrey.
13:43I mean, how do you know it's love?
13:47It is.
13:48Well, what's it feel like?
13:49Hungry burning deep down inside of you.
13:52Pardon?
13:54Erm, a hungry, burning yearning deep down inside of you.
13:59See, Beryl, love scored the last goal.
14:02Ah, little cuddle-tum.
14:06I bet you're only saying that because I've got £42 in the post office.
14:12I didn't know you had Beryl.
14:14I haven't now.
14:15I've drawn it all out.
14:17It's not safe carrying large sums around in your handbag, Beryl.
14:20It'd be safer in a bank, wouldn't it, Geoffrey?
14:21Is your bank safe, Geoffrey?
14:23Well, we do have £2,000 million deposited with us.
14:26Right.
14:27Well, that's £2,000 million plus my £42 plus this week's wages.
14:32Er, £12.43 new pence after stoppages.
14:36Mr Molineux, the manager, always falls about when we get a new account.
14:39My mum's being very good to us, Geoffrey.
14:42I usually give her £4 a week for me keep,
14:44but she says we can save it up now we're getting married.
14:48Oh.
14:48And I'm determined to try and manage off £2 a week bus fares and lunches.
14:53Erm, what about, erm, what about make-up things?
14:58Well, I've got Iris Underwood's eye shadow.
15:00She's gone country girl.
15:01Er, I've got Brenda Cheetham's mascara.
15:03She's going steady with a skin diver and they mostly meet underwater.
15:06Er, that's a present from me mum.
15:10And, er, that's a present I bought me mum,
15:13which she doesn't like cos it's too obvious for a widow.
15:17Suppose if I slogged away all week in a bank,
15:20I'd earn pots more than £12.43 new pence.
15:24If I did your job.
15:26Erm, a bit more.
15:29£5 a week, a bit more?
15:31Jump in, Martin Chivers, is that the time?
15:34Are you ready, Beryl?
15:35Do you think we've got ten minutes yet?
15:37Oh.
15:39Oh, yeah.
15:40Great.
15:42Are you needing, wanting, craving or gasping for a cup of coffee, Beryl?
15:45No, not now you mention it.
15:47Erm, you are clever, aren't you?
15:51No, no, no, I'm not.
15:53Yes, you are.
15:54I bet you must get paid at least £10 a week more than a dizzy little thing like me.
15:58Thereabouts.
16:03Thereabouts?
16:04Well, I, erm, I get paid monthly, Beryl.
16:07I'd have to work it out.
16:11How much do you give your dad for your keep?
16:13Ah, well, I pay him weekly.
16:16Yeah, well, I mean, how much do you pay him weekly?
16:19It's not a secret, is it?
16:21About £8.
16:22About £8?
16:25Yeah.
16:26You don't know exactly?
16:27Well, well, exactly.
16:29I mean, the actual amount which I actually give him weekly...
16:34£4.
16:34Oh, it's your own beginners, please.
16:43Last call.
16:46Pardon?
16:47Yeah, on, Geoffrey.
16:48Another opening.
16:49Another show.
16:50What are you talking about?
16:51Oh, the heavy mobs in Bugsy Buttersby.
16:55I'm not Beryl.
17:01Hello, Beryl.
17:02Geoffrey.
17:02No, you don't have to talk down there, Beryl.
17:04I can hear you through the glass.
17:07Erm, well, I've been thinking about bank accounts, Geoffrey,
17:09and I'm sure you're quite right.
17:11The best thing to do is to open one right away.
17:13Without delay?
17:13Jointly.
17:14Pardon?
17:15We'll open a joint bank account.
17:18But, er, I've already got a bank account, Beryl.
17:21A joint bank account is the best way of knowing where we're up to.
17:23You see, I can put my wage in every week, less £2,
17:26and you can put your monthly salary in.
17:29Less, er, £2?
17:30I can't manage on £2 a week, Beryl.
17:34I'll give my dad four.
17:36Yeah, after you've paid your dad.
17:39Well, I've got several sundry expenses, Beryl.
17:41I mean, er, razor blades, for example.
17:44I mean, I buy a lot of razor blades.
17:47Razor blades aren't really a considerable sundry expense, Geoffrey.
17:50Well, it's not very fair, though, is it, Beryl?
17:52I mean, you put £13 a week odd in and draw out two,
17:54and I put £20 odd in and still draw out two.
17:56Geoffrey, we're saving up to get married.
17:58We're not drawing Divvy out of the co-op.
18:01And a joint bank account is to provide for our joint happiness and joint home together.
18:07I'm being penalised for things I don't do.
18:09I mean, I don't smoke.
18:11I don't.
18:11I don't drink much.
18:12I don't.
18:13I don't.
18:13I don't.
18:13If I did, I'd need at least £5 a week.
18:17Geoffrey, you do realise that next April you'll be endowing me with all your worldly goods,
18:21only I wouldn't want it to come as a terrible shock.
18:23I'm very low on worldly goods, Beryl.
18:26I mean, there is a story going around that husbands are actually supposed to support wives.
18:31I have every intention of supporting you, Beryl, but I'll need your wage as well.
18:35Right, there you are, then.
18:36Our first wage packet.
18:39Ah, well, before we actually jump into a joint account together, Beryl,
18:43I think we ought to discuss it at great length.
18:45Right.
18:45I'm all ears and lip reader.
18:48Ah, well, not now, Beryl, because I'm jeopardising me generous staff pension.
18:52Our generous staff pension.
18:54And, um, a man without a generous staff pension gets all lined and wrinkled at the age of 35.
19:01All right, then, we'll talk about it tonight.
19:03It's Thursday.
19:04I don't see you Thursday.
19:05Ah, that was before we were engaged.
19:08Well, I always, um, I always catch up on me reading on Thursdays.
19:12I mean, uh, what, eight and three quarter bearer notes, um...
19:15Well, look, if you're not going out tonight, Geoffrey,
19:17why don't you bring your books round?
19:19And then after we've talked, you can study.
19:21Yeah.
19:22Um, yeah.
19:23Well, great.
19:33Everything all right, number one?
19:35No.
19:37I'm sorry, Roland.
19:38Can't come tonight.
19:39What?
19:40Missing the eagerly weighted clash between Polish club Spartak
19:43fighting to retain the cup for a second year
19:45and Malcolm Allison's mission to make Main Road its new home?
19:49But there's more to life than football, Roland.
19:51Talking about it, reading about it, thinking about it.
19:53What the hell's wrong here?
19:54Nothing.
19:55Oh, right.
19:56I believe you.
19:57Oh, me and him do, don't we?
20:00You can always sell the ticket outside the ground, can't you?
20:02I don't want to sell the ticket.
20:04I just want somebody to...
20:06to go in.
20:07A friend of yours phoned about half an hour ago.
20:24Oh?
20:25Yeah, your, uh, best friend.
20:29The one beyond all reproach.
20:30The nation's little sweetheart.
20:33Roland?
20:34Oh, what did he, um...
20:36Was he trying to get a hold of me?
20:38You don't see me on Thursdays, Geoffrey.
20:41Till tonight?
20:42Roland knows.
20:43You don't see me on Thursdays, Geoffrey.
20:45Then why did he phone me here?
20:46If you'd take off those rose-coloured blinkers, Geoffrey,
20:49you'd see that Roland phoned here
20:50because he thought I might well be free tonight.
20:53Free for what?
20:55Free to go to a football match with him
20:57and then to cut out a slice of the action
21:00in a very dark discotheque.
21:03Oh.
21:04You know, Roland chats up the birds on the blower all the time.
21:07I mean, it's just him doing his own thing.
21:10I mean, he probably phoned because...
21:12He asked how you were fixed for Thursday on the phone, didn't he?
21:19As far as friends go, Geoffrey,
21:21it's about time that Roland crawled back under the stone
21:23where his real friends are.
21:26And all the time he said you were trying to break up a friendship
21:28between me and him.
21:30And yet all the time he's trying to come between me and you.
21:34How do you handle him on the phone?
21:36I said I'd meet him outside Main Road just before 7.30.
21:40I'm not with you.
21:41I'm not with him either.
21:43With a bit of luck, I've kept him hanging about.
21:45He might even miss some of the match.
21:50Geoffrey, you're not thinking of going to...
21:51Yes, I am, Beryl.
21:51If he's still there.
21:52Geoffrey, I don't think you should go...
21:53Shut up, Beryl.
21:55You're my bird.
21:56And nobody moves in on my bird and gets away with it, right?
22:03Right.
22:03Yes, Geoffrey.
22:04Geoffrey, we were going to talk about opening a joint bank account.
22:07Call in tomorrow. We'll do it then.
22:09Yes, Geoffrey.
22:10Geoffrey!
22:10Don't do anything...
22:12anything violent, will you?
22:14I'll handle this my own way, Beryl.
22:17That's true.
22:17Hi there.
22:29Oh, this much?
22:30Oh, only a couple of minutes.
22:31Hello, Beryl.
22:44Hello, Mum.
22:47Geoffrey not here?
22:49Yeah, he was here.
22:50And did you talk about a joint bank account, love?
22:52Yeah, we're opening one tomorrow.
22:54Oh, that's good.
22:57Did Geoffrey go home, Beryl?
22:59No.
23:00He'd arranged to go to a football match with Roland.
23:03Oh.
23:03He's done.
23:04Pete?
23:04Yeah.
23:14No.
23:17No.
23:18No.
23:19No.
23:21No.
23:22No.
23:23No.
23:24No.
23:25No.
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