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00:00.
00:02.
00:04.
00:08Hey, and there we go everybody, with that beautiful piece of music, it's time for
00:36another night ride to come to an end. The studio clock says 2 a.m., and this is your early
00:42morning, no yawning DJ, Tony Prince.
01:06Hello? Hi, guess who? John Wayne.
01:33What? Silly. Silly who? Silly Beryl. B for bird, E for F, R for A for wife. What's wrong,
01:42Beryl? Nothing's wrong, Geoffrey. You've rung me up. I rink you up a lot, Geoffrey. Not
01:49a lot at two minutes past two in the morning, Beryl. The hysterical, Beryl. I'm tickety-boo,
01:58thank you, Geoffrey. That was merely a peal of unrestrained laughter. Oh. You're an extremely
02:04witty person, Geoffrey. Pardon? Beryl, do you think you could get by with peals of unrestrained
02:12chuckles? Beryl, have you rung me up for any actual reason in particular, Beryl? You're
02:20not bored, are you, Geoffrey? I'm cold, Beryl. And I can't have I'm standing here with no
02:25clothes on. Pyjamas on? Completely naked. But magnificent. Well, I hope you've not got the
02:34light on. Why? There's nobody can see in. Except June passed off from next door. And she'll
02:43be asleep. Whoa. Ooh, what? She's waving at me. Ain't life grand. You're telling a fib,
02:54aren't you? Not about being cold, I'm not, Beryl. Hey, I just painted me toenails. You're
03:00not disgusted with me, are you, Geoffrey? I mean, I know you hate bright red stockings and
03:04patterned tights and wet-look shoes. Oh, and girls with long hair with their ears poking out.
03:09Geoffrey? Geoffrey? Geoffrey? They're great. Fuck. Really? Wow. What? Ears. I was talking
03:23about toenails. Oh, they're great too, Beryl. They're great. Birds with great toenails always
03:28have great ears. They go together. Like love and marriage? Like toenails and ears. Hey, I've
03:37just painted mine pale puce. A pale puce here is trendy, Beryl. Hey, you know what they
03:44played on tonight's night ride? Now, Beryl, what did they play on tonight's night ride? I
03:51was going to say that. I'll catch you. Watching me feet turn black. Gangrene always sets in
03:58after severe frostbite. That's just nature's little way of telling you. Your feet are going
04:05to drop off. Well, it's really been a great night here on the telephone, folks, thanks
04:11to tonight's special guest star, Beryl Battersby. How do I begin?
04:18Begin what? To tell the story of my love. The story of how great a love can be. I don't
04:25know, Beryl. Geoffrey, they're the words of our song. Love story. On tonight's night ride.
04:32Our song. Oh, that's our song. Oh, really great number, Beryl. Fabulous lyrics. Really,
04:42really to riff. You're slightly overdoing it, Geoffrey. I'm a big fan, Beryl. You're
04:47an even bigger creep, Geoffrey. Oh, and stop giving me dirty looks down the telephone.
04:52Oh, really, I've got cold feet. Yes, Geoffrey, I know. Very, very cold feet.
05:11Beryl, just before you accidentally slammed the phone down last night... I did
05:16not accidentally slam the phone down, Geoffrey. Well, just before you accidentally
05:21replaced the receiver with great care, Beryl, I said my feet were cold and you said,
05:26I know, with hidden meaning in your voice. Geoffrey, I wouldn't recognise a hidden meaning
05:30if I bumped into one. As far as I know, I know means I know. I know. In anybody's language.
05:35In English, mainly.
05:38Deep purple. Fantastic group. You're not in your usual rack, Beryl. Black and white minstrel
05:45shows around the other side along the sing-along with Joe and party time with Mrs Mills.
05:50Oh, they're real rebels. Crazy come, crazy go. Until ten seconds ago, you thought deep purple
05:55was a colour for toenails. Hey, I tell you what, though, they're not as good as Andy Williams.
06:00I don't mention Andy's name in the same breath. I'm not actually making you yawn now, am I, Geoffrey?
06:07Actually, Beryl, I didn't get much sleep last night on account of your urgent phone call
06:10to tell me about your toenails and ears. Well, if that's all you think the call was about.
06:15Look, on careful reflection, Beryl, you will remember that toenails and ears dominated
06:18much of the discussion. The call, Geoffrey, was actually about us.
06:23Toenails and ears were definitely mentioned. How long have we been going out together?
06:28Since the day after Jammy Milan beat Unlucky United, on aggregate to win the European Cup.
06:34And how long is that in a normal human calendar?
06:3768-69 season. City won the Cup, Derby won promotion and somehow Leeds managed to struggle
06:43up to league championship. Well, anyway, how would you describe our relationship since then?
06:48Platonic. With a strong tendency towards rape.
06:52Geoffrey, we all know you're the pillar of the permissive society,
06:57but vulgar abuse is still frowned upon in respectable record shops.
07:00Great title. Who's it by?
07:02Weedy Laugh Laugh.
07:05Percy Filth is not vulgar abuse. It's a pleasant form of communication.
07:09Some people maintain that it has a strong edge on the telephone.
07:13Men, they're all the same. They're not like us, you know.
07:17Geoffrey.
07:19Geoffrey.
07:21I've been around for two years. I'll be 20 in a fortnight. The best teens of my life gone and there's nowhere to go now but generally off.
07:29I'm 20, Beryl.
07:30Men can go grey round the temples, Geoffrey, and they look distinguished. Women go grey and they just look old.
07:35That's true.
07:37Look, we can't go on like this for another two years, never actually get in anywhere.
07:42I took you to see Escape from the Planet of the Apes last Tuesday.
07:45Get in anywhere with each other.
07:47Look, Beryl, I've been trying for two years to get somewhere with you.
07:51I haven't met with much success, have I? On account of somebody hasn't shown too much enthusiasm, have you?
07:57There's more to get in somewhere than Percy Filth, Geoffrey.
07:59It's a start, Beryl.
08:01There's falling in love and solemn vows and mystical unions providing nobody knows of any just impediment.
08:07I know of one. Your solemn vow never to mention that particular subject.
08:12I haven't mentioned it.
08:14You've inferred it.
08:15With ifs and hands or pots and pans.
08:17Anyway, that particular subject's on the decline.
08:20Ten years from now we'll all be living in communes.
08:23Do you know one single person who actually lives in a commune, Geoffrey?
08:26They're all single persons that live in a commune, Beryl.
08:30I think it might be better if we just called the whole thing off right now.
08:34Called it off?
08:36Called it off.
08:37Called it off.
08:38Right now?
08:39Right now.
08:40Just like that?
08:41Just like that.
08:44Just like that, Beryl.
08:47It's the best way.
08:50End it.
08:51Right now, in a listening booth.
08:54Geoffrey, all things have an end except a pudding which has two.
08:59There's no answer to that.
09:01You're welcome.
09:07Women.
09:09They're all the same.
09:11They're not like us.
09:12They're not like us.
09:44Well, things have an end except come again.
09:47A pudding, which has two.
09:49How should I know what it means? I'm not a Zen Buddhist.
09:52I just thought you might have come across it, you know.
09:54No.
09:56Well, not to worry.
09:57I'm not.
09:57Great.
09:59Right, call.
10:01Heads.
10:02Heads it is.
10:05You sure she said pudding?
10:06Look, Roland, pudding's not a word you make up every day.
10:10She's a raving nut. I've always said so.
10:12You've never said so, Roland.
10:13All things have a beginning, Geoffrey, except Beryl, who's a raving nut.
10:17Right.
10:18Who me lad's about to trash?
10:20Can't stop thinking about it.
10:22Packing her in.
10:24I thought you said Beryl packed you in.
10:27Mutual agreement?
10:28That's what I said, Beryl packed you in.
10:31Who are your lads?
10:32Uh, Lloyd and Graham.
10:33Tommy Smith, Steve, aren't we?
10:34Liverpool?
10:35Watch it.
10:36Got 20,000 screaming hoodlums here.
10:39Liverpool!
10:39Liverpool!
10:40Liverpool!
10:40Liverpool!
10:41Liverpool!
10:41Standard Liège.
10:42Christian Piotr.
10:43Standard Liège?
10:44Of Belgium.
10:46De Belgique.
10:47Aren't British lads good enough, then?
10:52If I want to be standard Liège, Roland, I'll be standard Liège.
10:56Oh, wild thing.
10:58Right.
11:02Whoa.
11:03Liège are all defence, you know.
11:04The nearest thing they've got to a frontrunner is the goalie.
11:07You know, I think I'm right off, Birds, Roland.
11:10I mean, I don't think Birds and Fellas are naturally compatible when you get right down
11:13to it.
11:14That's the only time they are compatible, Geoffrey.
11:17If it weren't for that, Birds could be disbanded.
11:20Don't know why I went out with Beryl in the first place.
11:22You couldn't get anybody else.
11:24I couldn't get anybody else?
11:26You couldn't get anybody else.
11:27I could...
11:28Technical foul.
11:29Oh, fair enough.
11:30You're not very good at them, Roland.
11:32Any more of them, I don't have to have that penny sent off.
11:34Rule six.
11:34Oh, there won't be many going, oh.
11:39Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:40What a load of pearls and rubbish.
11:43What a load.
11:45What a load of pearls and...
11:46Oh, what?
11:48Fassile.
11:49It's French for easy.
11:50Oh.
11:51New songs, let's jump.
11:53Cats and arms and whistles only on the continent, Geoffrey.
11:56Shouting's been banned.
11:57Since when?
11:58Since two teams died of garlic poisoning.
12:01Just you wait till word gets out that Geoffrey P. Scrimgeour Baby is available.
12:05Yeah.
12:06I don't think I fancied Beryl in the first place.
12:08I don't blame him.
12:10I mean, going out with her was more of a habit than...
12:12How do you mean you don't blame me for not fancying her?
12:14Just that.
12:16I mean, she doesn't exactly do much for me.
12:17Why not?
12:18She doesn't turn me on, why not?
12:20Like I've seen better.
12:22Sure.
12:23You seem better.
12:24Oh, right.
12:25Birds like Beryl were made for blokes like me to get lumbered with on blind dates.
12:30Oh, come on, Roland.
12:32Beryl's not as foul as all that.
12:35What?
12:36Beryl's not as foul as all that?
12:38Well, she's not.
12:39Fair's fair.
12:40I mean, Beryl's a pretty fair chick.
12:42She's considered a very fair chick, you know.
12:44She's got a fantastic following.
12:45There's loads of blokes after her.
12:47Look, mate, I should know.
12:49I've been going out with her for two years.
12:51Then why are you not bothered that such a knockout bird like Beryl has packed you in?
12:56I told you why.
12:57I don't fancy her.
13:07Hello, Beryl.
13:08Oh, well, look.
13:09Hunky-dory, thank you.
13:10Super-duper.
13:12Geoffrey phone?
13:13No.
13:14Good.
13:15It's, er, it's not off again, Beryl, is it?
13:18The love you've had from here to eternity.
13:20Permanently.
13:21Beryl, we're not in for another Joan Crawford weekend, are we?
13:25What?
13:26I mean, are you going to be pale and fading fast or bravely facing facts?
13:30Are all mothers cynical?
13:32Only mothers with daughters, love.
13:34Mothers with sons are too busy ironing.
13:38It certainly is off this time, and I must say I'm incredibly happy about it.
13:42Only if you're not eating, Beryl, I'll just get a quarter of boiled ham for myself.
13:46I intend eating like a horse, Mother.
13:48And a nose bag for you.
13:50I'm serious.
13:52I know you are.
13:53I bet you're wondering whatever it was you saw in him.
13:56There's nothing to see.
13:57He's just immature, that's all.
13:59A woman of my age needs someone who's at least finished going to night school.
14:02Beryl, if you don't start biting your nails, I'll put bitter alice on them.
14:07I'm not biting my nails, Mother.
14:08I'm scratching my teeth.
14:11Well, I certainly hope he doesn't decide to phone now I'm in.
14:13I couldn't take his pathetic pleading with me, imploring me to go back to him.
14:17I just couldn't bear to listen.
14:19Actually, he probably phoned while you were out.
14:21I've not been out.
14:25Well, it's good old Saturday again, isn't it?
14:27Yes, love.
14:28Always plenty to do on a Saturday, isn't there?
14:30Yes, love.
14:30You know what I love doing, really, lots and lots and lots?
14:35Playing Ludo with me mum.
14:38We gave the board to the Brownies' jumble sale, Belle.
14:42Eleven years ago.
14:44And watching telly together?
14:46Grandstand for four hours, a world of sport.
14:49Oh.
14:50Oh.
14:51I suppose I'd better talk to him.
14:54Er, 2463792.
14:58Oh, hello, Mo.
14:59Sorry, can't talk now.
15:01Er, middle of a shampoo.
15:03Love your dungarees.
15:04They're really crazy.
15:05Er, great beanie hat, too.
15:06Great bam-o.
15:09Maureen Askew.
15:10She looks ridiculous.
15:15Don't take it out of Mr. T, Beryl.
15:17It's not done you any harm.
15:19It's not done me much good, either.
15:20Oh, hello, Beryl.
15:30Er, is he over here?
15:32Oh, he's just gone.
15:34Er, I was very cut up to you about, um...
15:38About, about, about him, um, calling it off.
15:42I called it off, not Geoffrey.
15:44Oh, wow.
15:46Er, you got time for a quick coffee?
15:48No.
15:49Right, hang on a tick, we'll go and get one.
15:50Just get me skydiving gear.
15:51You know, er, there's a lot of lads like Geoffrey.
15:56Late developers, emotionally.
15:58He's not scared of getting trapped.
16:00Here we are.
16:02Ooh.
16:03So she skydiving pumps.
16:05Karate gear.
16:06Er, anyway, um...
16:08Now you're in circulation again, er...
16:10We must have a night out sometime.
16:12Er, I'm fairly free-ish tonight.
16:16Roland, can I ask you something?
16:17Oh, I ask not what you can do for Roland Lomax, Beryl,
16:19but what Roland Lomax can do for you.
16:21Can you drop dead?
16:35We do have a fully paid-up licence, Geoffrey.
16:39Pardon?
16:40Put the television on, if you want.
16:42Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:44It's all right, Mrs. Battersby.
16:45Yeah, I was just admiring the walnut veneer.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48Ah, television kills the art of conversation, doesn't it?
16:53Come on.
16:57Ah, there's probably nothing on.
16:59Except...
17:00Sport or something?
17:02LAUGHTER
17:02Probably the 2.30 selling handicap from Linfield,
17:07followed by a visit to Auckland Park for the Formula One racing,
17:10then over to Bellevue for the Speedway clash between England and Sweden at three.
17:14Something like that.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:15No, I'd rather talk to you, Mrs. Battersby.
17:22Which colour do you prefer, Geoffrey?
17:25This one, jonquil yellow,
17:27or this one, deep Veronica?
17:29Are you thinking of painting your ears as well, Mrs. Battersby?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I was thinking more of painting the skirting board on the landing.
17:37Beryls must look great in pale pews.
17:41I wonder if we've missed the 2.30 selling handicap from Linfield.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47I expect him, Frankenstein, Mrs. Battersby.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51Hello, Geoffrey.
17:55Hi.
17:58Groovy shoes.
17:59They're exercise sandals.
18:01They really suit you.
18:03They're not supposed to suit you, Geoffrey.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06Oh, I'm sorry, Beryl.
18:14Would you mind just coughing that again?
18:16It is two coughs when you want me to go, isn't it?
18:19I don't know what on earth you're talking about, Mother.
18:22There's absolutely no reason why I should want you to go
18:25and buy a quarter of a pound of boiled ham, for example.
18:28Before they close?
18:29At three o'clock.
18:31I suppose if I dash, I won't be back till at least half past three, Beryl.
18:34Yeah, or even four o'clock.
18:36Well, I'm very sorry, Geoffrey.
18:39I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me.
18:42I have an appointment with some boiled ham.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:44Are you sitting down, Geoffrey?
18:49No, Beryl.
18:50Must be the way I'm standing.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:52Weedy laughter.
18:55Do you mind me coming round, Beryl?
19:06We were going out for a very long time.
19:09Very, very long time.
19:13Two great years.
19:14Two really great years.
19:22Ended a bit sudden, didn't it?
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25We could still be good friends, though, couldn't we?
19:29Platonic friends?
19:30Without a strong tendency towards rape.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:33I am a real person, Geoffrey, not merely a male plaything.
19:37I don't think you're in much danger there, Beryl.
19:40Tom!
19:40Well, as far as mere male playthings go,
19:44you don't go very far, do you?
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46Well, I hope there's been more to our relationship than that, Geoffrey.
19:49There must have been.
19:50There haven't been any of that.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:52Well, anyway, it doesn't matter now, does it?
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57Did you buy a record?
20:01Yeah, this morning.
20:03I did.
20:05Actually, mine's for you.
20:08Mine's for you.
20:09Um, it's a calling it off, Prezzy.
20:12Love story.
20:14What?
20:20The two great years.
20:23Love story.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:25Oh, Geoffrey, Bobby's bonbon.
20:32Oh, Beryl.
20:33Oh, Geoffrey.
20:35Oh, Beryl.
20:36We are really right for each other, aren't we?
20:38Geoffrey.
20:41What?
20:41What's the matter?
20:42You're starting.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44I'm a man, and you're a woman, I think.
20:49I mean, it's not even as if we're engaged or anything.
20:53Engaged?
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55Do you mean, engaged to be...
21:01Engaged?
21:05Engaged to be engaged?
21:08Well, we wouldn't want to go rushing into anything, would we?
21:13I...
21:13I...
21:14I...
21:14Engaged to be engaged.
21:17I mean, it's just engaged to be engaged.
21:22Oh.
21:24Honestly, you fiancées.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27Engagement ring, Sheila.
21:36Tres 17.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:37Good afternoon.
21:41Good afternoon.
21:41We want to see some engagement rings, please.
21:47Engagement rings?
21:48Certainly, Madam Sheila.
21:51Now, there may be some here that you...
21:54LAUGHTER
21:5418 to 25, sir.
22:01Oh, no, 20 in a couple of weeks, actually.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:04Pounds, sir, pounds.
22:07Oh.
22:07Well, I take it, congratulations are in order, sir.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14What?
22:15You've been congratulated.
22:18What for?
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20Oh, oh, thank you.
22:25Which do you like, Geoffrey?
22:27I won't be the one who'll be wearing it, Beryl.
22:29That doesn't really help, Geoffrey.
22:32Oh, I don't know, really.
22:34Well, personally, this is the one I like.
22:41Yeah, I think that's the one I like, too.
22:45Geoffrey?
22:46That's the one I like, Beryl.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:48This one?
22:50Why do you like it?
22:52It seems to be a nice fit.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:54Can we have this one, please?
23:03A very tasteful choice, if I may say so.
23:07Um, banker's card.
23:08Oh, perfectly acceptable, sir.
23:10Payable to E. Jarvis, Limited.
23:13And, if I may say so,
23:15I hope we don't see this ring back again.
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19You don't get rings returned, do you?
23:22Oh, yes, and unfortunately.
23:23In fact, just recently,
23:26we've had almost half back again.
23:30Almost half?
23:32LAUGHTER
23:32Recently.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Almost half?
23:39As many as that?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:42Well, all things have an end, they say,
23:45except a pudding, which has two.
23:46LAUGHTER
23:47APPLAUSE
23:49MUSIC PLAYS
23:51MUSIC PLAYS
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