- 22/06/2025
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Are you talking to me?
01:13You're dead.
01:18You're dead.
01:22You're dead.
01:24No, no, no, look, mate, I'm not dead.
01:26Because to make someone dead, you've got to have a ray gun, see?
01:29So, you look right, I'll show you, right?
01:31You're dead.
01:33See, see, I can't be dead because I've got a ray gun, see?
01:37You're dead.
01:38See, that's why I will never, ever be dead.
01:41Because I've got a ray gun and you haven't, so I'll be yours.
01:45You're dead.
01:47No, you're dead.
01:48You're dead.
01:49No, you're dead.
01:50You're dead.
01:50You're dead.
01:51Wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:52You're dead.
01:52Wait a minute.
01:54You're dead.
01:55No, no, no.
01:56You're dead.
01:57You're, you're, you're dead.
01:59You're dead.
02:00You're dead.
02:01You're dead.
02:01You're dead.
02:02You're dead.
02:03Wait, wait, wait.
02:05I'm not.
02:08I'm not dead.
02:09You're dead.
02:10You're not.
02:11You're dead.
02:12I'm not dead.
02:13You're dead.
02:14You're dead.
02:14You're dead.
02:15anybody there there's no body here but us chickens
02:25i wonder what bruce holfield's doing tonight eh sarge
02:34that happens to the heart doesn't it that an ex-banardo boy can go on to become an
02:39international designer of hokature gives hope to us all eh sarge
02:44you don't mind me saying sarge you've done not too well
02:50there's no good trying to hide it from me sarge sarge hey look at me when i'm talking to you
02:56sarge i'll get you a drink hang on son oi cup of ding dong's tea that i'll do you the world of good
03:02here you are here sarge get this down here
03:05that's not happening
03:08sarge the torch isn't working properly it's defensive what we're supposed to work with
03:14shoddy material come on you're in charge sarge eh sarge
03:18yeah just just just give me a minute son
03:20and where are these radials then where are these radials we're supposed to be getting i mean
03:26you're the one that's in charge you're the one that's supposed to know what's going on
03:29well what do you got to say well well ding dong leave it out what well oh
03:35well no well well well
03:37well no he's not well are you sarge no she ticker she ticker it sarge yeah he's all right
03:43you're all right aren't you sarge
03:45these pills they they don't seem to do the trick as well as they used to hey hey how long has this been going on then
03:52oh well i've had it all along you know that trouble is it it's it's progressive doctor says if i don't have something done about it it's only a matter of time before before before oh before the
04:06so does that mean like one of us will be put in charge if you snuffed it no
04:10no no they'd send somebody else around in my place yeah well that's not good isn't it we can't have someone new botting us about now can't you have anything done then oh yes i can have something done about it all right i can have enough
04:22operation they've got a heart bypass operation trouble is there's a waiting list well go private then it can't cost that much go yeah go private
04:29oh
04:30chip in how much do you six thousand quid what thought about a faith either no it's the operation or nothing doctor says it's the only chance
04:39i've got five hundred quid put away for a rainy day but i mean what's that when you're looking at six thousand
04:45there must be something we can do run
04:49oh
04:56well that's it you'll just have to snuff it then
05:03am i or am i not a genius do i or do i not deliver when the chips are down does carter not save the day
05:10what i'm talking about swan swanny eric you remember medical student he worked here the one night you remember hey he could do the sarges off he could do it right here what do you think of that you remember eric sorry i remember eric medical student just a man for the job swan swanny eric he could do the sarges off he could do it right here hey for what five hundred quid
05:17but he's he's he's a what he's a what come on he's he's a what he's a werewolf
05:24he's
05:31he's he's he's a what he's a what come on he's he's a what he's a werewolf
05:38we always look on the dark side okay he's a werewolf but he's not a werewolf all the time is he he's not a werewolf 24 hours a day is he so so we pick a date when he's not a full moon
05:53we pick a date when he's not a full moon and then we get eric in this medical student this this werewolf
06:02to in to to perform this um this heart bypass operation we get this werewolf in to perform this bypass operation on er the sarge
06:14now tell me uh where's the harm in that
06:21okay
06:22swanny he's the man for the job
06:25stop having the money look at a mess
06:28here here
06:31what's that then eric
06:33er it's nitrous oxide uh anaesthetic
06:35oh i see
06:36here you've thought of everything haven't you i thought we're just gonna hit him over the head with a hammer or something
06:41hit him over the head with a hammer he knows nothing does he eric hit him over the head with a hammer
06:47i'm sure that's how dr magdi yakub carries on at papworth
06:50i've always fancied a medical profession eric i think if i stayed on at school and take my cses i think i would have been in your line of business
06:58look uh to tell you the truth i i haven't um i'm only a first year student this is a bit advanced for me i mean a heart bypass operation
07:08it's not easy you know
07:09yeah but you've done operations before though haven't you
07:11no
07:12what
07:13you've not done any operations
07:15well no tell a lie i did assist at a tonsillectomy
07:17you're having us on you little devil
07:21you haven't done any operations you'll walk it
07:25eric
07:27sorry
07:28about your little problem
07:30you know
07:31your
07:34affliction
07:35oh that
07:36well it's not been too bad lately
07:37touch wood
07:38you have checked the calendar though
07:40oh yeah
07:41yeah we checked the calendar didn't we
07:42yeah
07:43see i don't normally bother these days i just stay in and read a book it's safer really
07:46sure
07:47sure
07:48right well let's be getting on with it shall we
07:49come on sarge nurse ding dong please
07:51come on now
07:52hey what's this behind your back
07:54he's got his little dolly with it
07:57he's got a little dolly
07:58me lucky mascot
07:59me wife made it for me
08:00a lucky mascot
08:01come here
08:02you think you need a lucky mascot with all this going on for you do you
08:07well keep it with you just in case
08:09shall i kick me vest off
08:12no er i'll cut it off
08:14be good practice for me
08:15now come on stop messing about come on get on
08:18here i hope this is washable because it's going to get covered in blood
08:23all right so i need somebody to act as the anaesthetist
08:26me me
08:27me
08:28me
08:29me do that
08:30oh no no no i want to do that
08:31sure because i said it first that's right isn't it eric i was the first to say it wasn't
08:34to tell him
08:35look um you could hand me the instruments when i need them
08:38what be your assistant
08:40what scalpel scalpel swab swab that sort of thing
08:43i want to do that
08:44you can't do that because you're doing that stupid thing aren't you
08:46well i didn't know he was going to need someone to bust him the instruments
08:49well you shouldn't have jumped in there should you
08:50i'm doing it aren't i eric
08:51i'll get stuffed
08:52i bet you bust him the wrong stuff
08:53and i bet you don't work that thing properly
08:55i bet he wakes up halfway through the operation
08:57excuse me
08:58what
08:59do you think we could be getting on with it
09:01all right
09:02all right
09:03we were getting on with it
09:04weren't we eric
09:05just cause you're the star of the show
09:06oh
09:07sorry
09:08right
09:10wow
09:12can i have them after you've finished with them eric
09:19that's all right
09:20yeah
09:21okay eric ready when you are son
09:24okay
09:25now you er
09:26turn this on here
09:27yeah
09:28okay
09:29and you hold the mask over his face
09:31like this
09:32see
09:33yeah
09:34yeah
09:35now you must make sure the needle stays between these points
09:37oh he'll never do that
09:39he'll cock it up
09:40no i won't
09:41eric eric
09:42eric
09:43eric
09:44do you want any instruments passing at this moment
09:45er no not just yet
09:46ah
09:47ah
09:48ah
09:49a leg up
09:50thank you
09:57okay i think we're all set
09:59fingers crossed
10:00oh right
10:01yeah
10:02yeah
10:03oh right
10:04yeah
10:05yeah
10:06right er just breathe steadily sergeant
10:11one
10:13two
10:14three
10:15four
10:17three
10:18four
10:19three
10:20oh sorry eric
10:21eric
10:22eric
10:23nice and easy
10:24nice and easy
10:25nice and easy
10:28nice and easy
10:30nice and easy
10:33he's gone
10:36you all right
10:37hey
10:39yeah
10:40fine
10:42i'm just still there
10:44i'm getting tired
10:45that's all
10:46look just give me a minute to myself will you
10:48i just need to er
10:49gather my thoughts before i start
10:51right you are dr kildare
10:53i'm gonna start passing the instruments
10:56oh shut up
10:57a word in your ear
11:00are you sure it's all right you know
11:03yeah yeah yeah
11:04stop it
11:05everything's all right on that score
11:07you checked the calendar didn't you
11:08eh
11:09there's nothing to worry about
11:10er ding dong
11:12er you did check the calendar didn't you
11:14yeah yeah fifth of august
11:15fifth of august
11:16it's july
11:18it's the third of july
11:20i've never been very good at figures you know that
11:27all right eric
11:29we were just saying
11:30what a lovely night it is out there
11:32weren't we
11:33just saying what a lovely moonless night it is
11:36weren't we
11:37yes we were
11:38all right let's not hang about
11:39and
11:40thank you
11:53Right, that's that bit over with.
12:15Finish that bit.
12:18I've finished that bit!
12:20You put your teeth on edge that, didn't you?
12:24How'd it go then, Eric, all right?
12:25Well, I'm quite pleased, to be honest.
12:27It's funny, really.
12:28I was never very good at woodwork at school.
12:31Oh, skilled dinners!
12:35Look at all that blood!
12:37Well, it's only natural, you know.
12:38I mean, if we didn't have blood, we'd die, wouldn't we?
12:40You've got to have blood to survive.
12:42Oh, yeah, you've got to have blood.
12:44Lots of blood.
12:46Blood, muscle, tissue.
12:49Look at it.
12:51Feeling quite peckish, man.
12:54Right, well, let's be getting on with it.
12:58No point in hanging about all night, is there, Eric?
13:00Eh?
13:01Oh, right.
13:02Now, listen.
13:03This is very important.
13:05You mustn't interrupt me while I'm operating.
13:07I've got to concentrate, okay?
13:08Yeah, all right.
13:09So just don't interrupt me, okay?
13:10All right, all right.
13:11We knew that.
13:12Just because you're doing the operating is only have a go at us.
13:14I'm not having a go at you.
13:15I'm just saying that I need to concentrate, that's all.
13:17All right.
13:18Okay?
13:19So don't interrupt me, only if it's a matter of life or death, okay?
13:21Yeah.
13:22All right.
13:23So just don't interrupt me.
13:24Right, right, right.
13:25Eric.
13:26Eric.
13:27Eric.
13:28Swanee.
13:29What?
13:30What do you want?
13:31Do you think that William Wordsworth ever went jogging?
13:46Don't interrupt me.
13:48Only if it's a matter of life or death, okay?
13:51All right, all right.
13:52I'm just wondering, you know, that's all, because he might.
13:56You know, I mean, he could have had a race against Coleridge, couldn't he?
13:59Look, he said, don't interrupt him.
14:01He said, don't interrupt him.
14:02Only if it was a matter of life or death.
14:05He said.
14:06Eric.
14:07Swanee.
14:08Swanee.
14:09What?
14:10I'll go on my holidays next week.
14:11I can't work like this.
14:12Oh.
14:13This is an extremely difficult operation.
14:14I'm just wondering, you know, that's all, because he might.
14:17You know, I mean, he could have had a race against Coleridge, couldn't he?
14:19Look, he said, don't interrupt him.
14:20This is an extremely difficult operation.
14:22It requires a great degree of skill.
14:23All right, all right.
14:24So you keep saying.
14:25Well, just get on with it, then, instead of standing there blowing your own trumpet all
14:27night.
14:28What were you doing?
14:29Nothing.
14:30Right, that's it.
14:31I'm off.
14:32Oh, right.
14:33Oh, come on.
14:34Oh, come on.
14:35We didn't mean anything.
14:36Oh, no, we were only joking, weren't we?
14:38Yeah.
14:39In any case, we weren't referring to you, were we, Ding Dong?
14:40No, no.
14:41We were talking about, we were talking about, about some other werewolf.
14:42Yeah.
14:43It's a big joke to you, isn't it?
14:44Oh, yes.
14:45A very big joke.
14:46Ha, ha, ha.
14:47Do you realise, can you possibly have any conception of what my life is like?
14:48Your life's not your own, you know?
14:49It's not.
14:50You can't be spontaneous.
14:51You should be spontaneous when you're young, shouldn't you?
14:52I'm only 20, but I can't be.
14:53Spontaneous.
14:54Do you see?
14:55Do you see?
14:56Do you see?
14:57Do you see?
14:58Do you realise?
14:59Do you realise, can you possibly have any conception of what my life is like?
15:05Your life's not your own, you know?
15:06It's not.
15:07You can't be spontaneous.
15:08You should be spontaneous when you're young, shouldn't you?
15:11I'm only 20, but I can't be.
15:14Spontaneous?
15:15Do you see this bar?
15:18Somebody's organised a party.
15:19Hey, Eric, do you want to go to a party, Eric?
15:21But I can't.
15:22I can't, you see?
15:23I can't take the chance.
15:24In case you know what happens.
15:26It's a living hell.
15:27I'm sorry, Eric.
15:28We didn't mean anything by it.
15:29Come on, Eric.
15:30Look, I mean, we're stuck in here 12 hours a night, you know?
15:32We're unskilled.
15:33We know nothing.
15:34We're just the dregs, you know?
15:35I mean...
15:37Eric, come on.
15:39Come on, you can't leave him like this.
15:43Oh, thank you.
15:48That's not really all this blood.
15:50I wouldn't think the human body could contain it all.
15:52But, you know, when you come down to it with just a great bag of blood.
15:57A big, sopping wet suitcase full of blood.
16:03Bone.
16:05Tissue.
16:06Oh, yes, we've got the lot here.
16:09Perhaps he just likes his work.
16:11Oh.
16:13Oh.
16:15Eric.
16:16Eric.
16:17You all right, Eric?
16:18Yeah, fine, mate.
16:22Eric, come here.
16:23Come here.
16:24Oh, Eric, Eric.
16:25Promise he's not on.
16:27You can't eat the patient, Eric.
16:29It's unepical.
16:31Besides, that's got to shorten his chances of survival.
16:33What's Dr. Magdy Yakub going to think of this, eh?
16:35Yeah, I know, but he said it would be all right.
16:37Come on, guys.
16:38I'll just...
16:39Toilets!
16:40Come on, out!
16:41Out you go!
16:42I'm here!
16:43I'm here!
16:44I'm here!
16:45I'm here!
16:46I'm here!
16:47All right!
16:48Woo!
16:54God, it really hurt me there.
16:56Whinge, whinge.
16:57Whine, whine.
16:58One little bite from a werewolf and look at you.
17:02I mean, everybody gets little things wrong with them from time to time,
17:05but they don't complain.
17:06I mean, I used to get asthma when I was a kid,
17:08but I never went on like you, did I?
17:10Yeah.
17:13He's still breathing.
17:14What shall we do now, then?
17:15Well, I'll tell you one thing.
17:16We've got to act fast.
17:17Yeah?
17:18Yeah.
17:19The worst thing we can do in a case like this is to hang about.
17:21That bad, eh?
17:22Mm.
17:25There we go.
17:26To act quickly is the biggest cause of death in a case like this.
17:29How do you know that, then?
17:31I've read about it, haven't I?
17:32There was this bloke in Russia who was in the same situation
17:36as the soldiers in now, more or less.
17:38Yeah.
17:39And the people with him, you see, they hung about.
17:41They dithered, they dathered, and in the end, due to these people,
17:44you know, these stupid people messing about,
17:47he, er, he snuffed it.
18:01So where you going then?
18:02What?
18:03The holidays.
18:04Dunno.
18:05Whales, probably.
18:06So, what do you think we should do, then?
18:11Act fast.
18:12If there's one thing I'm sure of, I'm sure of that, we've got to act fast.
18:18Hello?
18:19Hello?
18:20Hey!
18:21Hey!
18:22There's anybody there.
18:23Is anybody there?
18:24Is anybody there?
18:25Talk fast!
18:26I'm sure of that!
18:27A lot of fun stuff.
18:28But I'll tell you one thing, ding dong.
18:29As sure as eggs is eggs.
18:30I'm sure of this, what we've got to do...
18:32is we've got to act, um, fast.
18:52Anyway, what I was saying was, what we've got to do is, um, quickly.
19:16What are you doing?
19:23He's done it.
19:24Haven't you, Eric?
19:25Yeah.
19:26No thanks to you two.
19:27I woke up, you know.
19:28See?
19:29I told you you'd cock it up.
19:30I had no need to pass me the instruments.
19:32Ah, big head.
19:33Well, it wasn't my fault, was it?
19:35I...
19:36Who did pass you the instruments then?
19:38I did.
19:39Well, it was your fault, wasn't it?
19:41We should have got a proper doctor here, eh?
19:43Instead of you sitting in the toilets barking your bloody head off all night.
19:46I wasn't in the toilets all night, was I?
19:49I mean, some nights it doesn't last as long as others.
19:51And a good job it doesn't, isn't it?
19:53You two are no help.
19:54Oh, get back to your coffin.
19:56It's not us.
19:57It's vampires.
19:58Nah, it's all the same.
19:59You're all bloody perverts.
20:00Oh.
20:01Right, well, I'll be off then.
20:03Very grateful.
20:04Sarge, you did mention a fee.
20:07Of course.
20:08Yes.
20:09Here you are.
20:10Five hundred quid.
20:13Money well spent.
20:15Oh.
20:16I think I'd better pay a visit.
20:19Do you know?
20:22I feel better already.
20:25What a pity.
20:27Right, my lord.
20:28I'd better be off then.
20:30Oi.
20:31Oi.
20:32Oi.
20:33Just a minute.
20:34Come here.
20:35Come on.
20:36What's going on with this?
20:41That wouldn't be the Sarge's kidney, would it, Eric?
20:43No, no, no.
20:44It's not.
20:45It's, I've got pathology tomorrow morning and I just thought I'd do a bit of fun.
20:48Oh, yeah.
20:49Get off.
20:50You didn't have it when you came in.
20:51I did.
20:52Look, guys.
20:53Even if that was the Sarge's kidney.
20:56Theoretically, if that was the Sarge's kidney.
20:59He wouldn't miss it.
21:00He's got another one.
21:01That doesn't make it right, does it, Eric?
21:03Look, if Johnny had two sweets and I took one of them, that wouldn't be fair, would
21:08it, Eric?
21:09Would it?
21:10Look, I've had a look at the calendar and there's another full moon tonight.
21:14So?
21:15So, well, it'll save me going out, won't it?
21:18Come on.
21:19Whatcha saying?
21:20All right.
21:21500 quid.
21:22I was going to buy a compact disc player with that.
21:34Well, I'll tell you something.
21:36That's the last time I do a heart bypass operation for anybody as a favour.
21:40Woo!
21:41Woo!
21:42Woo!
21:43Woo!
21:44Woo!
21:45Woo!
21:46Get down, Jack.
21:47500 quid.
21:48250 each!
21:49Oi!
21:50Oi!
21:51Oi!
21:52Oi, we can't cut the Sarge out!
21:53This is a Sarge's money!
21:54We can't cut the Sarge out, can we?
21:55No.
21:57We can't cut the Sarge out.
21:59Can we?
22:07What a to-do, eh?
22:10Still, it all turned out for the best.
22:12By the way, Mr Bell went on his holidays.
22:15Decided on Spain in the end.
22:17Eh, flashing his spending money about before he went.
22:21I don't know where these young lads get it from.
22:24Yes, it's just me and Mr Carter here at the moment.
22:27Things are quite busy, but we get by.
22:30Do you know, I'd just this minute left him having his dinner.
22:33Smoked salmon and a half, a bottle of champagne.
22:37Oh, things change, eh?
22:39At his age, I'd have been glad if it was Sally and a cup of tea.
22:43Well, that's about all the news from our part of the world at the moment.
22:47Oh, just one more thing.
22:48The boys bought me a little get-well present.
22:53A cigar.
22:56Nice thought, eh?
22:57Ah, they're not bad lads, really, you know.
23:00Still, I shouldn't be smoking at all with my complaint.
23:05Some of us never learn.
23:08Evening all.
23:09That certain night, the night we met
23:21There was magic abroad in the air
23:26And like an echo far away
23:31An idea sang in Barkley
23:36And I think you'll say in Barkley
23:36Don't me swear
23:37I may be right
23:44I may be wrong
23:46But I'm perfectly willing to swear
23:50But when you turned and smiled at me
23:56And I'd hear a sang in Barkley
24:01But when you turned and smiled at me
24:08And I'd hear a sang in Barkley
24:13I'd hear a sang in Barkley
24:16And I'd hear a song for you
24:24Who is a girl
24:24That's all my love
24:25And I had a song for you
24:26I'd hear a sang in Barkley
24:27And I'd hear a song for you
24:28You
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