- 22/06/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30well what you got? pair of fours pair of fives you lost old bell lost out old ding-dong
00:47lucked out do not pass go do not collect 200 pounds
00:50shut up don't start quoting em forster to me because she lost
00:55oh past eleven where's he got to with that food I wonder what Peter Stringfellow's doing tonight
01:06yeah probably vetting somebody at the door I reckon god I hate this job I'm dying by the minute
01:16do you realize that egg dying by the minute
01:22so let's do realize that egg ah come on now lads let's take a little look around eh not now
01:29I had a woman today
01:34who did I did in the park it was she wanted to know if I had a corkscrew
01:45oh the sophisticated sort yeah yeah we just got talking you know and then we went back to her
01:53place yeah yeah it didn't have anything in it just these floorboards you know and it's all mattress
01:57on the floor it gets better go on I finished off a few lagers and then uh we drank this bottle of
02:04sherry and then we did it on this mattress
02:11that's lovely
02:13just like brief encounter
02:20god you're disgusting
02:22here what about your wife
02:24well she took the kids to a safari park for the day
02:27what the woman a giraffe
02:28yeah but that's dead now
02:30they've got these two mandrills instead you know they push each other up and down on this rubber tire
02:35all day well as long as they're happy
02:37mind you there's a bit of an upset little gary fell out of the car and got attacked by a lion
02:41you should sue
02:42yeah yeah I'm telling you they're responsible you could be in for thousands have a word with your
02:46solicitor
02:47yeah all right
02:49well think about it
02:51yeah
02:51he was all right though was he or your gary
02:54gary it's all right
02:56oh yeah yeah well you know kids are like to kick up a foot about anything
02:59my wife stopped off at a little chef on the way home and washed the blood off him in the toilet
03:04yeah come on now lads
03:09chop chop let's have a look around eh
03:11not now
03:12what did you do today then
03:16me I slept in
03:18went round an art gallery
03:20well I don't get it how can you spend your time looking at stupid pictures
03:24what are they are they nude women
03:27no they are not nude women ding dong
03:30what nude men then
03:31do you like looking at men in the nude
03:33is that it
03:34hey dad
03:34what about old carter then
03:37do you like looking at men in the nude
03:39eh
03:39would you like to wash me down in the bath would you
03:42eh
03:42would you like to play with me rubber duck
03:44wah wah
03:44would you
03:45eh
03:45go away
03:47oh don't push it
03:49all right
03:50oh come on now lads for goodness sake remember where we are police we are supposed to be doing
03:56the job remember the public rely on us so they can sleep easy in their beds
04:01well god help them then that's all I'm saying
04:03this isn't a holiday home you know you're paid to come here we are supplying a service we are security guards doesn't that mean anything to you no
04:14don't you think as you're paid to be security guards that that's what you ought to do eh
04:20no
04:20no
04:21well fair enough then
04:23so long as I know where I stand
04:25hey buddy
04:26home
04:27there's no body here
04:28but I'm chicken
04:29here he is
04:32it's that man again
04:34here pop it's you get it all
04:35yes I think so
04:36who is this other law in chips
04:38it's me
04:39here I got chased again tonight you know
04:42you didn't
04:43there's no respect for age anymore is there
04:45no I know
04:46steak and kidney pie
04:48that's mine
04:49you know that is terrible that is dad
04:50I'm 72 years old
04:53they don't care
04:55I know they don't
04:55they wish I could get hold of them
04:57fish chips and peas
05:00oh that's mine
05:01oh
05:02oh
05:02anything there for
05:09me gentlemen
05:09oh sorry Sarge
05:12I got confused
05:13oh that's quite all right
05:15it doesn't matter
05:17I've got some biscuits here
05:19you can share mine if you like
05:21no no
05:22that's quite all right
05:23but thank you all the same
05:25Mr. Piper
05:25all right are they Sarge
05:28those biscuits
05:29they are
05:30all right
05:30yeah
05:30not bad lad
05:32not bad
05:34I think I'll take them with me
05:37have a little look around
05:38see what's going on
05:40you wouldn't care to join me when you're ready
05:44would you gentlemen
05:45no
05:45oh
05:46righty ho
05:49what did you do today then Pop
05:52oh well I've been never so busy today
05:54I had a bath
05:56and I went to the library
05:58I got my pension
05:59and I paid the rent
06:00and I bought the wife
06:02a lovely pair
06:03of pink bed socks
06:04that's lovely
06:05how is she these days
06:06half righteous isn't it
06:07no not so good
06:08she mostly stays in bed
06:10all the time now
06:11still
06:11she's got a kettle
06:13and a portable telly
06:14with her in there
06:15and little Sandy
06:17the doggy
06:17keeps her company
06:18and she calls him
06:21her little hot water bottle
06:23hey
06:23it's nice that isn't it
06:27yeah it's nice
06:27she'll get out much these days then
06:30no
06:31what with us
06:32living on the 18th floor
06:33and all
06:34and the lifts
06:35always being out of order
06:36it's a bit difficult for us
06:38no
06:39still
06:39it's not all bad
06:41we get carol singers
06:43knocking at the door
06:45at Christmas
06:45that always cheers her up
06:4850 years we've been married
06:52you know
06:52I don't know what I'll do
06:55if anything
06:55cheer up
06:58hey she's got years in her yet
07:00sorry
07:01sorry
07:01it's alright
07:02it's alright
07:03it's terrible that is
07:05they don't care do they
07:07makes you want to vomit
07:08the old and are sick
07:11hide them away somewhere
07:12well they're not cost effective
07:13are they
07:13that's what it comes down to
07:15in the end
07:15they don't care that lot
07:16they don't give a toss
07:16they're just a bunch of
07:17Shakespearean villains
07:18that's all they are
07:19hit me up
07:20come on
07:21buy a half a bottle of scotch
07:22cheer yourself
07:22come on
07:23no no
07:23come on
07:23buy a box of chocolates
07:24come on
07:25come on
07:25if we don't look after you
07:27who will
07:28that's the truth
07:29eh
07:29thank you
07:30nah
07:31they're just a stinking bunch
07:33of Shakespearean villains
07:34anybody there
07:35no chickens
07:36no nads
07:39this really is too much
07:41it really is
07:42I mean
07:42I don't mind you having
07:43five minutes after a smoke
07:45but you haven't done
07:46a hand's turn all night
07:47you haven't moved
07:49from this room
07:49so what
07:50what does it matter
07:51I'll tell you why
07:52it matters lad
07:52it matters because of this
07:54head office want cutbacks
07:56oh no
07:57why is it this time
07:58let me
07:58go on
07:59well let me guess
07:59we're only allowed to use
08:01one bag of sugar a week
08:02or the same tea bag
08:0337 times
08:03won't you stick up for us
08:04for god's sake
08:05letting them walk all over you
08:06it is not sugar
08:07and it is not tea bags
08:09it is manpower gentlemen
08:12manpower
08:13and I'm telling you
08:15one of you
08:15one of the staff
08:16has got to go
08:17one of you's got to go
08:19I'm sorry
08:20but there it is
08:21rules are rules
08:22I'm sorry
08:22they can't do that
08:27they can do whatever
08:27they like laddie
08:28they are wages
08:29oh of course
08:30we're just a joke
08:31aren't we
08:31I bet some bloke
08:32with a tie
08:33wrote that
08:34sitting in his cabriolet
08:35doodling away
08:37on his portable fax machine
08:38on his way
08:39to phantom of the opera
08:40again
08:40laughing at the thought
08:43of us panicking
08:44bastard
08:44bastard
08:45yeah yeah
08:46he's right
08:46there isn't he
08:46oh I'm sorry
08:47I checked
08:48now look lad
08:49you've got the week
08:51to sort it out
08:52between you
08:52I mean
08:53if it comes to the vote
08:54I've got the casting vote
08:57the casting vote
08:58this isn't the
08:59Eurovision song contest
09:01you're talking about
09:02our lives
09:03you great prat
09:04laughing
09:05what do you do then
09:06what do you do then
09:06what do you do then
09:07well
09:07I mean
09:08if it comes to the crunch
09:09I'd have to put a report in
09:10won't I
09:11I mean
09:11that was insubordination
09:13just then
09:14calling me that
09:14oh god you love it
09:16don't you eh
09:16you've always wanted a power
09:17haven't you eh
09:18you love it
09:19don't you
09:19you
09:20you
09:20you
09:21mad old fart
09:22what are you doing
09:25was that him or me
09:26both of you
09:27I didn't say anything
09:27yes you did
09:28I wasn't going to say
09:29what he said
09:30I was going to say
09:31god
09:31you love it
09:32when you go on your holidays
09:33don't you Sarge
09:34you do
09:35you love going on your holidays
09:36don't you Sarge
09:37as I said
09:37you've got a chill Friday
09:39right
09:39do you follow me now
09:40now I don't like doing this
09:42yes you do
09:43yes you do
09:43you laughing you
09:44you love it
09:45you love it
09:46you
09:46you love the sound of birdsong
09:49at even time
09:50what was that for
09:54nothing
09:55I was just seer to be penworth
09:59that's all
10:00treat you like dirt they do
10:06yeah
10:07yeah yeah
10:07they couldn't care less
10:10as long as they're alright
10:11as long as they're alright
10:13they're not bothered
10:13about anybody else
10:15you know what that lot are
10:17don't you
10:17you're right
10:19you're absolutely right
10:20they're just a bunch
10:22of Shakespearean villains
10:24yes that's right
10:25isn't it lads
10:26just a bunch
10:27of shakespearean villains
10:30up there
10:37aye
10:38how does my noble bell
10:44how does my noble bell
10:58well my lord carter
10:59what news
11:01knowest thou of this paper
11:02mark
11:04but the penning of it
11:05if this be true
11:06one of us must lose our jobs
11:07ere long
11:07aye
11:11if the matter of this paper
11:12be certain
11:12we have mighty business
11:14in hand
11:15meaning what
11:17my liege
11:17come come carter
11:18thou was not want
11:19to be so slow
11:20tighter
11:22the old man
11:23must fall
11:24no
11:25yes
11:26nay
11:27I could not
11:28I say yeah
11:29no no
11:29I could not
11:30yes yes I could
11:31by jupiter
11:32I swear
11:32no
11:33by juno
11:33give me some breath
11:37some little pause
11:38before I speak positively
11:39in this
11:39time runs on a pace
11:44by heaven
11:45I think there is no man
11:46secure in his post
11:47piper is an old man
11:49three score and upward
11:50he hath put a short
11:51leads on life
11:52give me your hand
11:54faith there are some
11:58certain dregs of conscience
11:59yet within me
12:00what would betray me
12:01pray give me your hand
12:01I
12:02it is done
12:07it is done
12:32sarge
12:42anybody there? only us chickens. here Sarge can I have some more batteries for this you
13:11know it is when you've been working flat out you get through them in no time I'll bet even real
13:16policemen don't use as many as I've been using lately because I've been working flat out you see
13:20Sarge that's why I get through such an inordinate amount of batteries you see Sarge yes yes mr.
13:26Carter yes thanks Sarge March you I wouldn't be surprised if I'm not back within the hour you
13:32know it's hardly my fault is it Sarge if these batteries can't keep up with my work rate hardly
13:38my fault is it Sarge okay how many points have I got now Sarge of course it is the one with the
13:44most points has got to go in it Sarge how many points have I gotten in mr. cat yeah how many
13:49Sarge how many points see 15,000 well it's only one o'clock in it you know I've got six hours yet
14:02it's like boxing in it you lose some of the early rounds you come on strong at the finish what about
14:10ding dong mr. bell yeah ah 18,000 mr. piper mr. piper yeah four that's not stinking fair it's because he's
14:27old in it you don't come down as hard on him as you do on us because he's old that's not fair look
14:32he's an old man I don't care what's fair for one is fair for the other this is supposed to be a
14:37democratic country his wife's not where stuff is why she's never even tried to get out of that bed
14:44put that stupid dog down and stop eating chocolates I mean it's only a case of putting one foot in front of the
14:51other it for god's sake it's one o'clock where's he got to I'm starving
14:55get rid of piper Sarge he's the one to go not us the old man must fall a rascal a lecherous treacherous
15:12eater of broken meats a proud base filthy worsted stocking knave and what's more
15:16he's a pratt there's nobody here is he not back yet no no oh come on Sarge it's one o'clock I'm
15:29starving where's he got to well he's probably tied up somewhere four hours late that's not very good
15:34is it Sarge and I bet he don't bring everything we ordered if you ask me Sarge his mind's gone
15:39gone you get like that don't they you shot your time well you wanted different things didn't you
15:46I had to go all over the place yeah yeah I bet you didn't get it all did you hey I bet you didn't
15:53get it all Sarge because if he didn't Sarge if he didn't get all the things that we ordered Sarge
15:56then that's a black mark against his name in it Sarge yeah yeah he gets points for that doesn't he
16:00Sarge now then tomatoes guacamole they're yours terrine de canard de l'orange yours I think now then here here what about me mousse de foie grass on brioche there you go
16:14now poke someone in aspic I don't know who these are it better be good that's all I can say come on come on what about me creole crab gumbo oh well they said they don't get much call for that
16:28hawaian fish chowder lobster newberg oysters rockefeller escalope viscain fecacini with pesto sauce also
16:37bucko lackeys google hook sabaglione suckling pig come on come on where's me suckling pig come on come on I want me suckling pig
16:49where's my stinking rock and suckling pig
16:52yeah yeah that's a lot I didn't forget anybody did I
17:02I'm not so bad I can keep up with the rest I'm not so old I I didn't forget anybody did I
17:10anything there for me mr. piper
17:16what did you order cod and chips
17:22come on sarge yeah yeah come on he gets points for that doesn't he sarge
17:30fine is it a game yeah and you're gonna win it come on sarge fair fair fair fair fair
17:35yes five brilliant oh why that took the wind out of his sails it weren't like a charm how many
17:46points has he got five how many points have you got eighteen thousand two hundred
17:52you fifteen thousand nine hundred and thirty seven five five he ain't never gonna get as many as us is he
18:08no no i cannot what aren't they afraid i thought they would be resolute so i am to let him live
18:15oh great brilliant so one of us loses our job great right i'll go and tell the sags then
18:20pretty pretty stay a little i hope this passionate humor of mine will change look it's easy we wait
18:28in here till piper comes in for a jimmy riddle then we give him a crack over the head with this
18:38gasp it is a fearful instrument he won't feel a thing
18:44so all we have to do is his quietus make with a five pound lump hammer right
18:56all right are you allowed yeah yeah go on how's it going all right son strike
19:00i'm strongly framed you cannot prevail with me how darkly and how deadly does
19:04i shall speak your eyes do menace me why are you so pale i've had the run
19:14wherefore did you come to to to to to murder me where then my friends have i offended you
19:22because you're a silly old fart who gets in the way i shall be reconciled to you again no you won't
19:28hit him relent and save your soul let no this cowardly and womanish only a bit though
19:44the thing is that you've got to go go where you've got to finish here tonight why though but
19:51they want to make some cutbacks right one of us has got to go you're old you'll be dead in a couple
19:55of years we're young you see we've got our whole lives ahead of us you know i mean looking here
20:01objectively you're the obvious choice aren't you you know well i've been here 20 years we know we
20:07know we don't look don't be afraid of speaking your mind yeah yeah look you're obviously one to say
20:12in the matter that's completely understandable completely understandable look look we'd be pretty
20:17hard-hearted not to let you put your case wouldn't we when we're not made of stone you know
20:23well come on what do you say all right then why i mean you're right i ought to be the one to go
20:36i'm the eldest aren't i it's more than that really it all comes down to friendship doesn't it
20:44you've always looked after me in the past it's only fair i ought to be the one to go
20:49you're young lads you've got the whole of your lives in front of you i think i better i better go and
21:00get my things i mean friendship that's what it's all about isn't it lad
21:08god he made a meal of that didn't he thought about milking
21:24all the best bye sir yeah all the best bye mr bell cheerio pop bye mr carter yeah cheers cheers
21:30it's funny isn't it not that i want to make a fuss but you think that after 20 years i'd have made some
21:35sort of presentation or something you know give me a leaving present perhaps yeah shocking isn't it
21:43here you are pop oh no i couldn't go on go on you deserve it go on thanks another three of these and
21:52you'll have a set yeah that's right well i'd better be off yeah you look after yourself now keep warm yeah
22:01wear a hat 90 percent of the body heat is lost through the head you know that you lads have
22:05always looked after me friends that's what it's all about isn't it oh well bye cheerio oh that's the
22:17thought why can't he go he's dead already he's on a full wage isn't he you know yeah yeah i mean i
22:24mean we need the money you paid for me holidays last year oh god it's just a thought otherwise i
22:31agree it would have been the perfect solution to a particularly tricky dilemma yes that's what i
22:36thought oh well i'll be off then yeah cheerio cheerio cheers dad cheers hey don't forget that hat
22:46yeah friends that's what it's all about really oh sod oh yeah you're sanctimonious old
22:57he's gone now ain't he hey
23:03i wonder what katherine hamlet's doing tonight
23:05you cruel sod
23:16that certain night the night we met there was magic abroad in the air
23:30yeah
23:42i may be right
23:48i may be wrong but i'm perfectly willing to swear
23:54but when you turned and smiled at me
24:01and i'd hear a sang in the bar
24:05please
24:07swear
24:24you
24:37you
24:39you
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