- 2 days ago
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00:00I love you.
00:30I love the rain, though, don't you?
00:33The way it washes away all the filth and the stale.
00:39And the excrement.
00:43Did you have to say excrement, then?
00:46Sort of did, really.
00:49Well, my favourite things are fish fingers
00:55and sitting outside the pub on a summer's evening.
01:00With a glass of wine in one hand and a man's genitals in the other.
01:03No, only joking.
01:05A newspaper.
01:06A newspaper and a man's genitals.
01:09No, only joking.
01:11I don't really like fish fingers.
01:12No!
01:13Stop it. Stop it.
01:15Go and dust the stamps.
01:17What's the point?
01:18No one comes in here anymore.
01:21There was a time we had a queue from the door here down to the beach
01:24of customers who wanted everything from apples to what begins with Z.
01:29Yoghurt.
01:33Hello.
01:34Hi.
01:35Hi.
01:35We've just moved into Cliff Cottage.
01:37Oh, a triplicks old place.
01:38Yes.
01:39Oh, it's gorgeous.
01:40Yeah.
01:41Will you be wanting to order any papers?
01:44Oh, no.
01:45No, we're not really going to be down that much.
01:47It's more of a sort of holiday home.
01:48Oh, no.
01:49I know.
01:51We come down here, buy up property and drive out local people.
01:55So, at least we're not Germans.
01:58Not that there's anything wrong with the Germans, of course.
02:00Oh, no.
02:01No, they're, uh, great.
02:04Here we go.
02:05Shall we put it?
02:06Good idea, yes.
02:09I expect you shopped in Waitrose in London and brought it down with you, did you?
02:15Yes.
02:16No, we did, actually.
02:18Do you want to?
02:20Thanks.
02:28Okay.
02:30Thanks.
02:38Nice couple.
02:39Yeah, sweet.
02:43Strawberry hole down by the witchcraft centre.
02:46That's owned by Weekenders.
02:49They put in a barbecue big enough to fry a whale, cook the sausage on it, then buggered off for six months.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Hmm.
02:57Next door here.
02:58Owned by someone for the city for the last three years.
03:00Don't even know his name.
03:03I don't even know his name.
03:07It's Terry.
03:08Terry Cove.
03:08Terry.
03:10Is it?
03:10Okay.
03:12Cornwall's one of the poorest places in Europe because outsiders treat it like a mistress, you know?
03:17And go to it when they fancy a quick shag and then run back to the wife.
03:21So Cornwall is like England's bitch.
03:23Yeah, well, I don't care about that.
03:24I just want more people in my shop.
03:28Look at that actress here.
03:30Jilly.
03:31Second home like a palace with all mod cons while old Jake here is living in a hovel.
03:36What?
03:36I mean, that can't be right, can it?
03:38My what?
03:39My horrible.
03:40I read somewhere that Cornwall has a history of welcoming visitors and other cultures and absorbing them.
03:46No.
03:48That was New York.
03:49Sorry.
03:50I've got a nice house.
03:52Hey, look at this.
03:53That's near us.
03:54Do you remember the love boat?
03:57I used to love that.
03:59I used to love that.
03:59I used to love that.
04:01So much love.
04:02I used to love that.
04:03I used to love that.
04:04I used to love that.
04:05I don't know what a car that is.
04:08I always think if they had a boatload of ferry liquid and it spilled out,
04:13they'd have to clean it off the seabirds with oil.
04:18Oh, thank you.
04:24What are we talking about?
04:26Tattoos. In intimate places.
04:28No, we weren't.
04:29Shall we, though?
04:30Yeah, holiday homes.
04:32I went out with this girl, right, and she hung around with these really cross-corner separatists.
04:36I used to love her, partly because she had no arse.
04:39Completely no arse.
04:40But I reckon she was right.
04:41No, but it can't go on this way, can it?
04:43What, completely no arse?
04:45We should make a political stand, you know?
04:47Not a shred of arse, no.
04:48Hey, remember in Wales?
04:50Yeah.
04:51When they burnt them holiday homes?
04:53That's terrible, that.
04:54We should do that.
04:55No, we shouldn't.
04:57We've got to do something about it, though, haven't we?
05:00Look at them French lorry drivers.
05:02They think their livelihood is threatened.
05:04They do whatever's in their power to sort it out.
05:07That's what we need.
05:09A little bit more of the French lorry driver in us.
05:13And I do.
05:15And my luxury item on a desert island would be a small town, you know, for shopping.
05:24No, it's not allowed that.
05:26Oh.
05:27OK.
05:28Um, an endless supply of clean bra and pants.
05:32No, not allowed that either.
05:34What?
05:35Why?
05:36Because you could use them to escape.
05:38How would I do that?
05:40Oh, because you would sew them together and make a sail.
05:43An underwear sail.
05:44Mmm.
05:55Oh, my God, it's a body.
05:57No, it's top of where.
06:09Ha, ha, ha, ha!
06:17Oh, my God.
06:19I know I agree.
06:21Where'd you get all that from?
06:38Might have fell out your nose.
06:40No.
06:42Is it, er, hot?
06:45No.
06:46Though, being genuine Tupperware,
06:49it copes very well with the heat.
06:51The Tupperware is, of course,
06:55the Rolls-Royce of plastic storage devices.
06:59Or Rolls-Royce is the Tupperware of engine making.
07:04That's another way of saying it.
07:06Yeah, we don't want it.
07:08No, wait a minute.
07:10We might have a market for this.
07:11What, like we had a market for the electric tweezers?
07:14Or the fish wallets?
07:16Yeah, well, that was different.
07:18Yeah.
07:19They're all in here.
07:22Yes, all right.
07:25I'll give you £15.
07:26Oh, come on, £30.
07:28£20.
07:29And if you ask for £25, I'm walking away.
07:32£25.
07:34I'm walking away.
07:36I'm walking away.
07:41I'm walking away.
07:46I reached the wall there.
07:49So, I had to come back.
07:51£20.
07:53OK, good.
07:54Right.
07:55What's going on out here?
07:57Something's happening down on the beach.
08:01Oh, something's been washed up.
08:03Oh, 15 quid.
08:0510 quid for cash.
08:07You'll never see goods of east quality again.
08:09I'll throw in a fish.
08:12Two fish.
08:14I'm flexible on price.
08:17Free fish.
08:17A free ride on wet lady.
08:27I'm coming out.
08:27I'm coming out.
08:28I'm coming out.
08:29I'm coming out.
08:29I'm coming out.
08:34I'm coming out.
08:37OK, this is a map of the village.
08:42With the houses owned by outsiders marked in red.
08:45so we're going to be putting stickers up in these houses
08:50to unnerve the holiday homers into selling up.
08:54Some of them say a home ain't just for Christmas.
08:57Others say one ohm good, two ohms bad,
09:01like an animal farm about legs.
09:03Jakey, Jakey, Jakey, have you got the small 9-inch version of that?
09:10Would you like to swap it with me?
09:11Hello, hello.
09:12Sorry, sorry, that is a good swap for you, though, Jakey.
09:15I think that's more expensive.
09:17Right.
09:20Listen, this is important, all right?
09:22Yeah.
09:25Angela?
09:26Yeah.
09:28Are you into this?
09:29Yes, yes, yes, I am.
09:32Right, so the plan is to break into the empty holiday homes
09:36and make sure that we put this...
09:37Sorry, um, break in?
09:41Yeah, how else are we going to get the stickers in the houses?
09:43Right, I've always been quite scared of going to prison.
09:47It won't come to that.
09:48Yeah, well, I'm sorry, I feel funny about breaking the law,
09:50so no, I'm sorry, I'm crap.
09:53Do you hate me?
09:55So I can't...
09:55And, and, you know what you could do, right?
09:58Wear that black-knitted hat you've got.
10:00That would look very good on a mission, wouldn't it?
10:02And it suits you.
10:03Pass me that.
10:04I would look quite nice, wouldn't I?
10:06Yeah, hell yeah.
10:07Because I'd look quite sort of terrorist-y.
10:11Right.
10:11Everyone, sorry I'm late.
10:14I've sorted in all my stuff into these.
10:18Oh!
10:19Oh, that's good.
10:21Ah!
10:21That's good.
10:22Oh, tissues.
10:23All right, listen, listen.
10:25Me and Jake, OK, know how to pit locks, right?
10:28So we shouldn't have any trouble getting into these houses.
10:31Wipes?
10:31Wipes!
10:32These, these houses, these houses, right, are cleaned by Mrs Parsons.
10:36So Holly's going to ask to borrow her keys.
10:38I'm obviously going to take some...
10:40I don't know why bother!
10:47I mean, doesn't anybody get angry about anything these days?
10:53Litter?
10:57People.
10:58OK.
11:00Right.
11:01Right.
11:04Angela, you go off with Jake.
11:06Holly, you go into Mrs Parsons.
11:08I'll go off with Mary.
11:09We'll reassemble at the pub in one hour.
11:12Very good.
11:13Very good.
11:13Jakey.
11:14Jakey.
11:14Jakey.
11:15Would you like that one?
11:19All credit to burglars.
11:20It's harder to break in the houses than you think.
11:23Mm.
11:24Did you argue with Mrs Parsons?
11:26Yeah.
11:26She said she liked everyone having holiday homes because it kept her in clean and work.
11:30And what did you say to that?
11:31I think I said, hmm.
11:34Couldn't we stick the stickers on the outside of the windows?
11:37Because then we wouldn't need to go inside.
11:39Yeah.
11:39No, no, no, no, no, no, because the sticky part's on the front, yeah?
11:43So the message wouldn't be facing the right way.
11:44Yeah, but I think the message should be facing the inside because then it'll be the owners
11:48who see it and not just people walking past.
11:51Yeah.
11:51Yeah.
11:51Look, no, no, I want the stickers facing outwards, OK?
11:55I just do.
11:57Hey, look, we've got the keys for Ginny's house.
12:00You know, the actress.
12:01Why don't we protest there?
12:03I don't think protesting is really me.
12:05Look, don't be ridiculous.
12:07It's going to be fun, all right?
12:08You're definitely coming.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Yeah.
12:11It's one for all and all for one.
12:12Where's old Jake?
12:22Where's Holly?
12:25See, locals like me can't afford houses here anymore because of outsiders pushing up prices.
12:31Once again, England's made its horde Cornwall.
12:34Get down on all fords and take it like...
12:35Will you stop talking like that, please?
12:37OK, sorry.
12:39Yes.
12:40There we go.
12:42It's all a bit flash, isn't it?
12:49Yeah, well, you live in a camper van.
12:51Anywhere with more than one door looks flash.
12:56It's a bit of a gong.
12:58I've always wanted a gong.
12:59Don't gong it.
13:01Don't gong it.
13:02It's a loud one.
13:05Dear Jilly,
13:06thank you for donating a script
13:08from your children's series,
13:09Angus McVective, Scottish Detective,
13:11for our charity auction.
13:13We raised three...
13:13You can't touch things, please.
13:15You are so like a child.
13:24It makes you sick, doesn't it?
13:35Yeah.
13:37Shocking actor.
13:39Shocking.
13:41You wouldn't catch me revisiting Brideshead
13:43if Jeremy Cockenirons was in the queue for the Kedgerie.
13:46No, now that is a bit more like it.
13:49That's a proper actor.
13:50Proper actor.
13:54Ladies and gentlemen.
13:58Widescreen TV.
14:01Can we please be careful?
14:03This is somebody's home.
14:05Second home.
14:06Second home.
14:07It's funny.
14:09I never consider myself political.
14:10But once you look around,
14:12there is so much that's wrong with the world.
14:14Yeah, it's rubbish, isn't it, Harry?
14:15Why don't you just run along
14:17and leave Angie and I
14:18to sort everything out here?
14:19Why can't I say?
14:20Well, because this stands for everything you hate,
14:23doesn't it, Harry?
14:24This must be torture for you, is it?
14:26No, it's all right.
14:27Night-night.
14:27Night-night.
14:28Night-night.
14:31Night.
14:32Thanks.
14:32What's on tell you?
14:35Nothing.
14:37No, it ain't up for discussion, Lisa.
14:39I told you.
14:39But we didn't even have a proper conversation.
14:41Here, Ange.
14:42Men are motors.
14:47Oh, leave that.
14:49Plenty of time for that, later.
14:50No, I'm not sitting down.
14:52I'm standing.
14:53Ange.
14:54Ange.
14:54Have a sit down.
14:55Down.
14:56Sit.
14:56Down.
14:56Right.
15:00Two minutes.
15:02Right.
15:05And?
15:07See what's there?
15:09Two.
15:10Yeah.
15:13No.
15:14Yeah, they're not ants.
15:15No.
15:15Not ants.
15:16Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
15:21Come on.
15:24Just go and check them.
15:26Oh, yeah, they look, yeah.
15:27Yeah.
15:29Don't make a crack, no?
15:31Come on.
15:31You always have the crack, no?
15:33That's what you do.
15:34You always have the crack, no?
15:35There's one right there, look.
15:37Come on, it's saying eat, eat, eat, eat.
15:39It's crack, no?
15:40There.
15:40That's it.
15:41There.
15:41Right there.
15:43Go on, have the crack, no?
15:44There's the crack, no?
15:44Oh, there's the...
15:45Oh, you didn't have the crack, no?
15:47Oh, I'll have to have the crack, no.
15:48There.
15:51Mm.
15:52Mm.
15:54You know what we should do, Ange?
15:56Stay the night.
15:57No.
15:58No, no, no, no.
15:58Come on.
15:59No, no, no.
15:59Jilly won't be down, will she?
16:01And even if she does come down, we'll just say that we're, you know, occupying the house
16:04as a sort of protest.
16:06Yeah, which we would be.
16:07Which we would be.
16:10That's wicked, isn't it?
16:12Having a second house, Ange.
16:13Yeah.
16:18All right.
16:21We've got to leave it clean and tidy in the morning.
16:22Yeah.
16:24Here!
16:25She's OK for DVDs.
16:27Look at those.
16:30Oh, it's got...
16:31It's got gone with the wind.
16:32Yeah.
16:33I've seen that a few times.
16:34I don't give a bloody damn.
16:43I don't give a bloody damn.
17:04Good morning.
17:34PC Allen.
17:36Well, we had the weather, and we lost it, didn't we?
17:39Yeah, can't decide if it's pissing or wanking, can it?
17:43Yes, interesting article in Police Magazine this month about how weather affects crime.
17:47The heat makes people hot and tetchy, so you tend to see hot, tetchy crimes, like road rage and arson.
17:54Whereas rain favours what we call crimes of boredom, such as...
17:58Actually, interestingly, it's not that interesting.
18:04Oh, I mustn't.
18:11Right, we've been getting reports of items being recovered from that ship that ran aground.
18:15I don't have to tell you that looting is everybody's illegal as badger-baiting.
18:19Or murder.
18:21It carried basically a consignment of plastic household goods.
18:25So, have you seen Annie?
18:32No.
18:34Okay, well, if anyone offers you any, I'd be grateful if you'd ring in.
18:38If I'm out and about, you can leave a message with a decorator, Dave.
18:41Okay, are we done?
18:45Are we done?
18:47Right.
18:49Bye.
18:49Bye.
18:51Afternoon.
18:53Bye.
18:53I just managed to get into the house in the corner up there, Seaview, and put a load of stickers up.
19:01No, no, they've moved in, haven't they?
19:04The Hewitts have moved in now, local couple, both teachers and Pemp.
19:09Oh, you're joking me.
19:10No.
19:11Okay, right, I'd better go and remove a sticker, isn't it?
19:15Yeah.
19:17Put a sticker up in Jilly's house.
19:19Yeah, we have, yeah.
19:21Oh, by the way, we've decided to occupy that house.
19:25Occupy it?
19:25Yeah, just to ram the protest home.
19:28You sure you're not staying there because he's got a big TV and a drinks cabinet?
19:32No.
19:34Right.
19:35Okay.
19:37Bye.
19:41It can't have been Toby.
19:45What makes you say that?
19:47Because he hated loud noises.
19:49Hated them with a vengeance.
19:51Every Guy Fawkes night, he was to be found in the cubbyhole under the stairs with the dogs.
19:55He said it was to keep the dogs company, but we knew in reality it's because he was scared of loud noises.
20:00Bang.
20:00No more Jilly, please, Ange.
20:03Me v. funny in celebrity squares.
20:06Me in hangout you're washing.
20:08Me in Jack and Ori.
20:11Right, we shouldn't drink any more.
20:13Oh, come on, Ange.
20:17Nobody checks the bottles at the back, do they?
20:20The cherry brandies and the hazelnut cream liqueurs.
20:24And the avacaaar.
20:26Avacaaar.
20:27Oh, hang on.
20:28Hang on.
20:28I know what you're thinking, that I'm daft, just a damn kid.
20:32But now I'm pregnant, so I can't be much of a kid anymore, can I?
20:36What do you think about that?
20:40I hate you!
20:45Yes, madam.
20:46Hopefully you're enjoying yourself.
20:50Mark, you need no introduction.
20:51What are you doing, Dick?
20:52Do I use our phone?
20:54Erm.
20:55Who are you ringing?
20:56Roger Moore.
20:57The washing machine, man?
20:59No, the actor.
21:00Jilly's got his number and her address back there.
21:03Hello.
21:03Er, Rog, please, yes.
21:05Rog Moore.
21:06What are you doing?
21:06You're wrong.
21:07Don't do that.
21:07Could you tell him that Mary Treadweb might call, please, yes?
21:11Could you also tell him I loved him in Octopussy?
21:13Right, come on.
21:14I thought he was very shaggable in that.
21:16You can tell him I love him.
21:16Give it.
21:17That's it.
21:18Right.
21:19We're going to tidy up and then we're going to leave.
21:22No.
21:23Come on.
21:23No?
21:25I said tidy up.
21:25No.
21:26Come on.
21:27No.
21:27Yes.
21:27No.
21:28No, no, no, no, no.
21:30Shut up!
21:34We should never have come here.
21:36We're trespassing.
21:37We should never have come here.
21:39Tupperware orange.
21:41So you're actually getting six and they all...
21:44I've got that already, mate.
21:46Oh, fuck.
21:49Don't be so unkind, said his mum, and wash your hands.
21:52They could grow cabbages on them.
21:57Oh.
21:59Oh.
22:02Oh.
22:03Oh, bloody toss, idiot bollocks.
22:21Right, you stay there. Get dry.
22:50Hands there?
22:51Can you come and help me? I've got a small emergency.
22:55I've got a big emergency. I've got a bloody big emergency.
23:05Don't catch fire, you arse!
23:10Mother, it's not a wonderful place.
23:13Don't put your fat on it. No chip fat on it.
23:16Shut up!
23:29You'll save my heart and I will love you forever and I'll never...
23:41Now, we can fix this.
23:50Why don't we, right, say that you did it?
23:55Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't include me in this.
24:00No, I am innocent.
24:02Yeah, bring me a bowl of water that I may wash my hands.
24:06Come to bed with a bloody door.
24:08Right, right. That is Jilly.
24:10But don't worry, right, because the doors are all bolted.
24:14Put it in there.
24:15No, no, not the waterworks.
24:17Not now. Come on.
24:18I've never done anything wrong in my life.
24:20I only came on the protest so I can wear my hat.
24:23Look, all we have to do, right, all we have to do is wait, right, for Jilly to go and get some help.
24:30Then we'll slip away. Nobody will be any the wiser. Come on.
24:33Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
24:35Why don't we say, why don't we just say to Jilly what's happened?
24:38Why don't we tell her everything? Because she'll be okay.
24:41Yeah!
24:41Or, or, or not do that, because I've just seen Jilly out there, right, she's on the phone, she's very happy, very relaxed, so she's probably calling the locksmith, isn't she, up at PEMP, so we've got loads of time to tidy up.
25:04Here we go. There we are, that's perfect. Now downstairs, there's hardly any mess there.
25:09Little things, like wearing brightly coloured clothes, and not shouting at each other like most families.
25:16You see, this is why we have laws, because without laws, we have anarchy, and mayhem, and in short, a ghastly mess.
25:25Why?
25:27The stickers!
25:28Stickers!
25:28Stickers!
25:29The stickers, oh, the stickers, yes.
25:31And walk brumfully back across the grass and into the house.
25:38Poor girl.
25:39Um, right, I, um, I think we should go now.
25:45Okay.
25:46Right, you, you, go out the front door.
25:50I'm gonna risk the back door here.
25:56I love you.
25:57I love you.
25:57We shall overcome, we shall overcome someday.
26:18Bye-bye.
26:25Where's Angela?
26:26Oh, got upset.
26:28So, she got her telling off?
26:30Yeah.
26:32Spent an hour to her in the cells, you know, cooling her heels.
26:35When you get arrested, do you still get to make one phone call?
26:38Hmm, I think so, yeah.
26:40Hmm.
26:42Do you get a second go if you get a wrong number or are you engaged?
26:47Dunno.
26:50Well, I'm carrying on a good fight.
26:51I just set fire to an all-day home.
26:56You what?
26:57Well, not at home.
26:58But I did set light to a bunch of stuff in the garden.
27:01Woof!
27:01Straight up it went.
27:02That's why I had a bit of paraffin.
27:04Woof!
27:05Burn away like mad.
27:06So, you lit someone's bonfire for them and provided the fuel.
27:15Yeah, I suppose I did, yeah.
27:19Still, I think we made a point, don't you?
27:23Maybe not very well, but we made it.
27:26Maybe we should just say that it's okay to have two ohms, you know.
27:32Yeah.
27:32Yeah, yeah.
27:34But not three.
27:35Not three, never three.
27:37That is out of order.
27:38Nah.
27:38Let's take the piss.
27:39Nah.
27:39Mixing pop and politics.
27:42He asks me what the use is.
27:44I offer him embarrassment.
27:47My usual excuses.
27:50While looking down the corridor.
27:52Out to where the van is fighting.
27:55I'm looking for...
27:56In and.
27:59Right.
28:00Yes.
28:04Cheer up.
28:05I don't want to cheer up.
28:09I didn't mean to.
28:10I didn't mean to.
28:10I don't know.
28:35I don't want to.
28:36I want to lead forward to the fact that politics can't be in a sack.
28:44Write it, write it forward.
28:49Well, here comes the future and you can't plan for it.
28:52You've got a blacklist, I want to be honest.
28:55Write it, write it forward.
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24:40
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24:32
24:49
24:39
24:38
24:47
24:20
24:44
24:58