- 22/06/2025
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00:00Piano music
00:30Oh
00:51Anybody there?
00:53Nobody here but a chicken
00:55I found a Christmas tree
00:58Oh, that is very festive.
01:01Well, I simply should have bought a new one.
01:04It'll be all right when you unroll the stuff on it.
01:05Yeah, well, there's only the one left.
01:07All the rest were broken.
01:13That is lovely.
01:14That is lovely.
01:15You can hear those sleigh bells, can't you?
01:18Christmas, what a load of old wank.
01:22Come on now, Mr Carter.
01:24You didn't really think that.
01:26Yes, I do.
01:27It's a load of hypocrisy.
01:29The 48-hour ceasefire from hating each other
01:32while we stop to commemorate some stupid myth.
01:35God, it makes me so...
01:38Here!
01:40Let's do presents!
01:41Oh, come on, let's do presents!
01:46Merry Christmas.
01:46Merry Christmas.
01:47Merry Christmas.
01:48Merry Christmas.
01:50Merry Christmas.
01:51Merry Christmas.
01:51Merry Christmas.
01:54Well, that's another bit of excitement over for another year.
01:56God, Christmas Eve.
02:00Why do we always have to work on Christmas Eve?
02:02Yeah, I know, I mean, Christmas Eve, you know, I mean, I...
02:04I miss watching me kids opening the presents in the morning.
02:07I want you to see the faces!
02:08Why, uh, what have you bought them?
02:10Easter eggs.
02:13Well, I mean, they're in the shops now, aren't they?
02:15They're cheap!
02:15Well, mind you, I say Easter eggs, you know, I got a bit hungry yesterday dinner time, you
02:21know, and, uh, well, when I came to wrap them, you know, there's only half an egg left.
02:25So what I did, I got this big clump of cotton wool and I dyed it yellow, right?
02:30And then I made two little legs out of matchsticks and I painted, um, a couple of eyes and a mouth
02:36on it, you know, so, well, it looked like a baby chicken.
02:39And then, um, I sellotaped it to the other half of the egg, what was left.
02:43And then I, you know, wrapped it in this...
02:44Oh, no, that's right, no, I'd run out of wrapping paper.
02:47So I rammed it down the end of this empty Weetabix packet.
02:52So that's what they're getting for Christmas.
02:55Well, there will be some happy little faces in the Bell household this Christmas, won't they, Sarge?
02:59Yeah, they're like a surprise.
03:00Yes, they're going to get one.
03:02And what have they bought you, Mr Bear?
03:04Don't know, they usually write me a cheque.
03:08Ah, there you are, lads, though.
03:11The season of goodwill to all men, eh, lads?
03:17You don't make that, lads, do you?
03:19Look, come on, we're here.
03:21We might as well make the best of it.
03:24Come on, let's have our carols.
03:26Oh, carols, sir.
03:26What do you say?
03:27You know, what's the point?
03:28No, it's the same every year.
03:29Nobody ever bothers to turn up to listen.
03:31Yeah, look at all the invitations we sent out.
03:33We did not get one reply.
03:34No, all those people, right?
03:35Harold Pinter, the Pope...
03:37Yeah, you think, at least, the Pope might have turned it.
03:38He could have spared two minutes of his time, couldn't he?
03:41I mean, God, I'd have given my right arm to kiss the papal ring.
03:45Right, probably busy.
03:47Busy?
03:47It's Christmas Eve, for God's sake.
03:48What else has he got to do?
03:50No-one's going to turn up.
03:51Come on, lads, it's Christmas Eve.
03:55Come on.
03:56Let's start a bit.
03:57No.
03:58Number one.
03:59Right.
04:01You ready?
04:01Yeah, yeah.
04:02A one, a two, a three.
04:06It's the Pope.
04:08It's an unexpected papal visit.
04:11Perhaps it's Harold.
04:13Harold?
04:13Harold Pinter?
04:15Harold wouldn't knock like that.
04:16That wasn't a playwright's knock that had the Vatican written all over it.
04:20Ding-dong.
04:26Please, I'm going to have a baby.
04:29Is the Pope pregnant?
04:32No.
04:35So who was it, then?
04:37Well, it was just some stupid woman.
04:39The Pope?
04:40All right.
04:41Anybody can make a mistake.
04:43Never mind.
04:44Perhaps Harold will turn up later.
04:46He's probably working, finishing a new screenplay.
04:50Yeah, he might have gone to a hog roast.
04:51Yes, yes, he's gone to a hog roast and he'll probably pop in on his way back.
04:55He's Jewish, though.
04:56Who?
04:57Harold Pinter?
04:59I mean, what's the point of him going to a hog roast if he doesn't eat pork?
05:03How should I know?
05:04It was Harold's idea.
05:05He was the one that wanted to go.
05:07Well, they were going to wait for him or not?
05:09No, no.
05:09Let's carry on.
05:10We can always recap when he turns up.
05:14A one, two, three.
05:15We three kings of Orient are
05:18One in a taxi
05:19One in a car
05:21One on a scooter
05:22Sounding his hooter
05:23Following yonder star
05:26Oh, I'm listening now and get late to the spirit of it.
05:31Right, come on now.
05:32Number two, eh?
05:33One, two, three.
05:35God's rest, chief gerrymental men, let nothing you dismay.
05:38I'm sorry.
05:40I'm sorry to put a damper on things, but this is not a favourite of mine.
05:42Well, let's try another one, then.
05:44Number four.
05:44Let's do that one.
05:45Well, that's dead good, that one.
05:46One, two, three.
05:46Well, shepherds watched their socks by night
05:49All seated round the tub
05:50The angel of the Lord came down
05:53And gave them all a scrub
05:54Fear not, so deep or mighty dread
05:57That sees their troubled mouth
05:59Their tidings of great joy
06:01I bring to you right now
06:02Please, I'm going to have a baby!
06:06I'm going to have a baby.
06:11For one, two, three.
06:13Ding dong, Merrill and Pai!
06:14There you are, miss.
06:32Drink this.
06:36Plenty of sugar.
06:37That's what you need in your condition.
06:42Sorry.
06:42I was just looking at your slacks.
06:46I got them from Mother Care.
06:49They're lovely.
06:51Slacks.
06:52What's your name, miss?
06:54Mary.
06:58Drink your coffee.
06:59Get out.
07:02Excuse me, miss.
07:03Mr Carter, there's no call for that.
07:06Sarge.
07:06It's Christmas Eve, right?
07:09We have a pregnant woman, right?
07:12Called Mary, right?
07:15Ring a bell?
07:18Well, what we have here is an allegory.
07:21What, you mean like the prodigal son?
07:22No, no.
07:23No, that's a parable.
07:25A parable is something which uses familiar events
07:28to express religious and ethical situations, whereas...
07:33Whereas, an allegory is a situation
07:35in which the apparent meaning of the characters and events
07:38is used to symbolise the moral and spiritual meanings.
07:41I think that's what you're trying to say, isn't it, Carter?
07:45Yes.
07:46Yeah, exactly, yes.
07:47Think about this.
07:48So, um...
07:50I know what you're thinking.
07:53It's not an allegory.
07:55Oh, yeah?
07:56Oh, yeah, really?
07:58Says who?
07:59And you wouldn't have a husband beginning with...
08:01J, would you?
08:02It's Carlos.
08:04His name was Carlos.
08:05Was?
08:06You said his name was Carlos.
08:08Dead.
08:09Two months ago.
08:11Where he was...
08:13He was doing this sponsored walk across the Sahara Desert
08:16and he tripped and fell into an oasis.
08:20Drowned.
08:21Drowned.
08:22Well, it happened.
08:24There's no-one else I can turn to.
08:27Well, why don't you go to a hospital?
08:28I mean, that's the proper place for you.
08:29No, no, no, I can't,
08:30because I've got this morbid fear of sheets.
08:33Oh, thank you.
08:33Look, I can't go to hospital.
08:36I'll have to have my baby here.
08:40I've got money.
08:4350 gold sovereigns.
08:47It's Christmas Eve.
08:49I'm pregnant.
08:50There's no-one else I can turn to.
08:52You're my only hope.
08:54If I don't have my baby here,
08:55I'll have to have it.
08:56Outside, in the cold, in the snow,
08:59it might die.
09:00Oh, please.
09:04Please help me.
09:1150 gold sovereigns, you said.
09:12Something's starting.
09:14Right, but you did say 50 gold sovereigns, right?
09:16Come along now, Mary.
09:17You'll be all right.
09:1850 gold sovereigns, you said.
09:20Yeah.
09:21Anybody there?
09:22Listen, just sign that, will you?
09:24Oh, what is it?
09:25It's just a standard contract saying
09:27that you will not be doing anything
09:28of an allegoric nature.
09:34Here you come, girl.
09:34Hi, girl, Mary.
09:41Something's happening.
09:42I can feel it.
09:43Oh, some waters.
09:44Our waters are going to break.
09:46That's what it'll be.
09:47Mr Carter, Mr Bell, come on.
09:54You wouldn't listen, would you?
09:56Oh, no.
09:56You had to stand there.
09:57Go up and...
09:59God, I'm nervous.
10:07I know.
10:08How do you know?
10:09What?
10:10You said I know.
10:11How do you know?
10:11I'm nervous.
10:12No, I meant I'm nervous.
10:17You're nervous?
10:18Yeah.
10:22Why aren't you?
10:23Oh, I see.
10:24So I'm not allowed to be nervous
10:25because you don't want to be nervous.
10:26Is that it, right?
10:27No, no, I'm going to be nervous anyway.
10:28Yes, and me.
10:35God, what time is it?
10:37Eight o'clock.
10:38Eight o'clock?
10:40It's going to be a long night, isn't it?
10:48What time is it now?
10:50Ten past eight.
10:54It's coming.
10:56Hey.
10:56Hey.
10:57It's coming.
10:58It's coming.
10:59Yes, it's coming.
11:00And what would it's coming be referring to, Sarge?
11:03Not the late arrival of a number nine bus.
11:06It couldn't possibly be referring to the birth of a child, could he?
11:09I wouldn't have thought so.
11:10No, quite.
11:12I'm sorry.
11:12I didn't realise.
11:14I wasn't thinking.
11:15What should I say, then?
11:17Do we have to do everything for you?
11:18Improvise.
11:19Try something a little less prosaic than it's coming, honestly.
11:22Oh, it's right.
11:29Like mercury on wiggied feet.
11:31Better!
11:33Like mercury on wiggied feet, I come with news of nature's greatest miracle.
11:38As ripened apple from the bow to fall, so Mary, that made most fair, hath, in the ninth month of her confinement, seen fit on us her most bounteous gift to bestow.
11:51What?
11:52It's coming.
11:53Oh, really?
12:00That's it, Mary.
12:02Push.
12:02Good girl.
12:03Nearly there.
12:05You two should have a look at this, you know.
12:09No, no, no.
12:10It's all right.
12:11So you go first, Carpenter.
12:12I'd rather not if you...
12:13No, no, go on.
12:14You have a look.
12:14It's all right.
12:20Very nice.
12:21No, no, I'm not.
12:26It's a shame to miss out, you know.
12:29Oh, yes, don't spoil the party.
12:36One, two, three.
12:40He's always doing that.
12:41Don't worry.
12:42There's nothing to it, really, is there?
12:43I mean, I can't.
12:46That's the chicken, Mary.
12:48Yeah, go on.
12:49One more push.
12:50Go on, Gary.
12:51Go on.
12:53Oh, well done.
12:57Well, is it a girl or a boy?
12:59It's, um...
13:00Well, is it a girl or a boy?
13:04Um, well, I'm not sure.
13:07Well, I suppose, you know, I suppose, you know, if you look on the bright side, you know, it's not a girl or a boy.
13:37It's not all bad, is it?
13:38I mean, well, it looks healthy, doesn't it?
13:41Yeah, if you look on the bright side, I mean, if you look on the bright side, she's not going to have to teach her how to swim, is she?
13:49Well, if you look on the bright side, if you look on the bright side, if you look on the bright side, oh, Christ!
13:55What have you got there?
13:57What have you got there?
13:59Oh, Mary, Mary hasn't quite finished yet.
14:04Twins!
14:08Mary is a very determined young lady.
14:12She says she's got to keep going until she has a proper one.
14:15A baby, that is.
14:16I tried to freeze her with her, but she won't listen.
14:19This can't be doing her any good, can it?
14:22I mean, poor girl, I'm going to put a stop to this.
14:25You?
14:25What do you know about her?
14:26You haven't got any kids.
14:27You don't even know where to put it.
14:28Oh, you're an expert, are you?
14:30Huh?
14:31A moron has three kids and suddenly he's got to spot.
14:33At least I've been there, mate.
14:35Oh, God.
14:36Shut up!
14:37Right, that's it.
14:38I'm going to sort her out.
14:39How about enough of this?
14:40No, I'm going to be firm.
14:40Hello?
14:48Only me.
14:50Mind if I, uh...
14:51No, no, no, it'll be my guest.
14:53Ah.
14:54Ah.
14:55I just...
14:55I was...
14:58Ah.
15:01What's the matter?
15:01No, it's all right, it doesn't matter.
15:03No, no, no.
15:03I don't want to...
15:04Read that.
15:08I wrote this play, right?
15:10I sent it off and, uh...
15:11I mean, I don't want to be a security guard all my life, you know.
15:14I've got plans, see.
15:15Oh, yes, plans.
15:16And, uh...
15:17That's what they wrote back.
15:18Ah.
15:18Dear Mr. Captor.
15:20Yeah.
15:20I know it's incredible.
15:22I can't even spell my name right.
15:23Ah.
15:23Therefore, we are returning your script.
15:25That's it.
15:25And that's it.
15:26That's all they wrote.
15:28People can be so insensitive, can't they?
15:30What's it about your play?
15:32Do you want to read it?
15:33Ah.
15:33Oh, no, no, no.
15:34Honestly, I couldn't.
15:34No, really.
15:34No, I'm not one of those people, please,
15:36who are precious about their scripts.
15:37You know, I mean, if you'd like to read it, I...
15:39Oh, I...
15:40Ah.
15:41Um.
15:41Go on.
15:42Uh, scene one, Hampton Court.
15:45Yeah.
15:49A little man.
15:50A little man, yeah.
15:51Walks up to a bigger man.
15:52Bigger man.
15:53Ah.
15:54Really.
15:55Yeah, well, it would be more impressive, wouldn't it?
15:57Yeah, if it was...
15:57Uh, little man, I hear the king is to dine with us.
16:00No, sorry.
16:00Actually, Mary, sorry.
16:01Uh, I hear the king is to dine with us tonight.
16:03I hear the king is to...
16:04No, actually, I hear the king is to dine with us tonight.
16:06Uh, I hear the king is to...
16:07No, sorry, sorry, sorry.
16:09No, no, no.
16:09I hear the king.
16:10Look, do you think we could do this later?
16:12All right, all right, forget it.
16:13Forget it.
16:13It doesn't...
16:14It doesn't matter.
16:16It doesn't...
16:16God, people can be so insensitive.
16:18They don't give a damn.
16:19Ah!
16:20Ah!
16:22Ah!
16:23Ah!
16:25Ah!
16:25Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:26Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:27Ah!
16:28Ah!
16:29Ah!
16:30Ah!
16:31Well, I can't get any sense out of that girl at all.
16:40Poor girl, you've got to be firm and I've got to be straight with her.
16:44Oh, yeah, I used to go wrestling all the time.
16:47Mick McManus, Jackie Pallow, the Masked Jackpire, yes, I saw them all.
16:50Greetings, grapple fans.
16:52Could you, could you close me a glass, please?
16:53Yeah.
16:54Yeah.
16:56Yeah, I'll tell you what I did see.
16:57I saw the Masked Mexican ones.
16:59Oh, yes.
17:00Yeah, yeah.
17:00Dead good he was.
17:01Big, fat bloke.
17:02He was jumping up and down on this bloke for ages, you know.
17:05Mind you, I had to give up going to wrestling after that.
17:07Oh.
17:08Why?
17:09Well, I went out in the car park once, you know, to get his autograph.
17:12What, the Masked...
17:13The Masked Mexican, yeah, yeah.
17:14And, you know, he didn't have his mask or his costume on and out and he was just,
17:17well, he was just wearing these trousers and a sky blue leisure shirt, you know.
17:22I reckon I wouldn't be too far out if I was saying it was some sort of toweling material,
17:25but, um, the thing is, right, the thing is, he did not look like the Masked Mexican.
17:29Ah!
17:39Here.
17:40Jason and the Argonauts.
17:42What's this?
17:42God, this is.
17:43The Great Escape.
17:45They're always showing that.
17:46Oh.
17:47Good girl and Keith.
17:48Hey, firm, eh?
17:50Straight to the point, eh?
17:52Oh, honestly, you two, you haven't got a clue.
17:56Here, let me have a try.
17:59Yeah, Sarge will sort it out.
18:00Yeah, yeah.
18:03Oh!
18:05Hey, lads!
18:06Oh, no, no!
18:08Oh, I'm having that!
18:09No, you're not!
18:10You just had the French freezer!
18:12My turn.
18:13I've had nothing since the microwave.
18:15I'll swap you for the Leavish Chesterfield and the Subutio.
18:17No, no, the Leavish Chesterfield is not the Sarge's style.
18:19You'd prefer the matching hand luggage, wouldn't you, Sarge?
18:22Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:25You wouldn't think God would let such a thing happen, would you?
18:28God!
18:29There is no God!
18:30I keep telling you that!
18:31God's not going to help this!
18:34Sarge?
18:35Yeah?
18:37What are you doing?
18:39Sarge, get up.
18:40Get up.
18:41You look ridiculous.
18:42It's embarrassing.
18:43It's Christmas.
18:44It's time for miracles.
18:46You tosser.
18:49Here.
18:49I'll swap you at my bike and fatally for your picture of those houses in the water.
18:53Houses in the water?
18:54That's one of Canaletto's views of Venice.
18:57I'm not swapping that for a mountain bike.
18:59Oh.
19:11Oh, look.
19:13A little boy.
19:16Mary's got your eyes.
19:19Both of them.
19:19What are you going to call it, Mary?
19:26I'm going to...
19:27I'm going to call it...
19:32Jesus.
19:34Hey, hey, you said...
19:35Yes.
19:36It was an allegory all along and you fell for it.
19:38But you stand a contract.
19:39Look at the signature.
19:41Harold Pinter.
19:43You dirty...
19:44What's Harold going to say about this?
19:46I don't care.
19:47I wanted to do an allegory and now I've done one.
19:50Get back!
19:50Where'd you get that?
19:52Oh.
19:53Where do you think?
19:56The allegory.
19:57No, the allegory.
19:58Allegory.
19:59This allegory.
20:00What's it all about?
20:01Oh, come on.
20:02Are you stupid?
20:03It's all about how we've lost sight of the real meaning of Christmas.
20:07How every year we drown under an ever-increasing pile of consumer goods.
20:12Really?
20:12It's not very original, is it?
20:14No.
20:15Well, I never said it was.
20:16But it worked like a dream, though, didn't it?
20:18And I bet, I mean, I just bet you had a little serious moment between the three of you, didn't you?
20:26Well, didn't you?
20:28Yeah, well, the Sarge, he...
20:30What?
20:31What did he do?
20:32Well, it...
20:32Well, what?
20:33No, no, no, don't tell me.
20:34He, um, he came out with some stupid moral, said that Christmas is a time for children, something like that?
20:40No, actually, he prayed.
20:43Oh, brilliant.
20:47Better than I could have hoped.
20:48Did you kneel?
20:51All right, now, you've had your bit of fun.
20:53Get out.
20:54Oh, don't worry.
20:57I'm going.
20:59Where?
21:01To see my husband.
21:03Cars?
21:03No.
21:05His name is Joseph.
21:07And we came to pay our taxes.
21:09Goodbye, suckers.
21:12We thought she wanted help, and all she wanted was an allegory.
21:22What's the world come to?
21:24I feel such a fool.
21:26I know.
21:26How do you know I feel a fool?
21:28No, no, I mean, I feel a fool as well.
21:30Oh, no, I feel a fool.
21:30Oh, no, I feel a fool.
21:31Oh, no.
21:32But...
21:33Hey.
21:36Oh.
21:39It's Harold Pinter!
21:42It's Harold!
21:43He's got the Pope with him!
21:44Oh!
21:45What are they going to do?
21:46Well, the way I look at it, there's only one thing we can do.
21:52And a partridge in a pear tree.
22:02Good night, Your Holiness.
22:03Good night, Mr. Pinter.
22:04Mind how you go on that tandem.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07Look, Sarge, it's snowing.
22:26It's Christmas, Sarge.
22:29Far unto us a child is born.
22:34Christmas!
22:37A time for playwrights.
22:38A time for pontiffs.
22:41A time for all mankind.
22:45Christmas!
22:46A time for carol singers.
22:49A time for children.
22:50A time for the old.
22:53Christmas!
22:54A time to forget our cares and worries.
22:59And rejoice in the birth of our Saviour.
23:03Christmas!
23:04The season of goodwill to all men.
23:08Merry Christmas!
23:16Merry Christmas!
23:17Merry Christmas!
23:17Merry Christmas!
23:18Merry Christmas!
23:18Merry Christmas!
23:18Merry Christmas!
23:19Merry Christmas!
23:20Merry Christmas!
23:22That certain night, the night we met, there was magic abroad in the air.
23:31And like an echo far away, a nightingale sang in Barclays Square.
23:43I may be right, I may be right, I may be wrong, but I'm perfectly willing to swear, that when you turned and smiled at me, an idea sang in Barclays Square.
24:07Merry Christmas!
24:23Merry Christmas!
24:24Merry Christmas!
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