- 13/06/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00guitar solo
00:30I wasn't you I wasn't you I bloody well wasn't
00:43you were out Richie I was not out you were
00:50bloody bloody bloody wasn't look the umpire's decision is final
00:57but you weren't even looking the right way I was you weren't any you weren't even
01:03on the pitch yeah but I've got the coach haven't I Edward you were in the bar yeah
01:12but I could still see I was looking out of the window 200 yards away how could you
01:17tell I was out well Spudgun told me was the captain of the opposite team yes but
01:26it was his round I didn't want to ruffle his feathers you know look look I wasn't
01:31out it was a no ball look listen to me right I'm English right I invented this
01:36game racially now when you go when you go you're supposed to walk nicely back to
01:42your mark get that sort of far away look on your face masturbate enigmatic
01:48you know for about four or five minutes so the cameras can all get you in focus
01:56and then it's time for lopty lopty lop nice and gentle over the arm pop Richie gets a six round of
02:12applause gentlemanly conduct welcome to the crease everyone thinks I'm great right well
02:17that psychotic Welsh bastard cannonball taffy o jones doesn't want to know anything about that
02:25he just stands there behind the wicket looks at me and goes you ignorant English wanker
02:29the ball straight at me before I'd had any chance to do all that nice hoovering stuff with the bat
02:35and the grease next thing I know I'm lying in a pile of stumps and blood I tell you that is the last
02:43time I'm stepping out for the Shepherd's Bush spud you like irregulars second eleven yes all right
02:49all right I've got a bad leg I'm not surprised the way you polish the ball we had a tea break waiting
02:56for your second delivery did you hey never mind look on the bright side we've made a healthy profit
03:04of four hats five jumpers and three pairs of trousers three pairs of trousers yeah things got
03:12a bit racy in the bar afterwards I don't remember that no well you were lying unconscious in the middle
03:19of the pitch in the pouring rain at the time that's what started off the merriment actually
03:24even old Ted unlucky suicide mcgloomy had a bit of a laugh so much so his rectum prolapsed
03:32oh that's a result so long as I can make someone happy did you check the pockets is the Pope Jewish
03:45huh no isn't he oh well I checked him anyway and well I'm afraid to say the recession is biting deep
03:56everywhere Richie uh two pounds seventeen and six in old money a strange voodoo dollar view covered in pins
04:06what's that weird and cannonball tuffy o jones's car keys
04:19are you thinking what I'm thinking I don't know I'm thinking about that weather girl Suzanne Charlton
04:33stripped naked and covered in Marmite on the end of a bungee rope what are you thinking
04:41uh well something else actually not getting trapped on the rings with that black-haired gladiators legs
04:49wrapped around your face again no no no I haven't thought about that for weeks I really must pop upstairs
04:55later I'm a good hard think about that no no no no no I haven't thought about that for weeks I really
05:05must pop upstairs later I'm a good hard think about that no I was thinking about that Welsh cricket cheat
05:12cannonball taffy o jones fantasy not your strong suit is it Richie shut up shut up I've got a plan
05:20we're gonna take these keys right yeah we're gonna get inside taffy o bastards car and you know that
05:26little light next to the rearview mirror yeah gonna switch that on no one's looking we're gonna scarper
05:33and within a couple of weeks I think that guy's probably gonna have a pretty flat battery
05:39scary dairy I'm gonna bloody do it where do you think his car is well he's getting married this
05:50afternoon you see yeah that was his stag cricket match that's why he was allowed to use the slingshot
05:57oh I see hey does that mean we're going to the wedding no you were only there so he could knock you
06:04unconscious it was a wedding present from the lads oh nice so who's he getting married to well you know
06:18Ted Rogers he's not he's not getting married to Ted Rogers no he's getting married to that bird from the
06:27abattoir that looks like Ted Rogers well that's a shame isn't it be nice to be married to Ted Rogers
06:35yeah three two one three two one God I bet he's good in bed so which church are they getting married in I sat at that
06:48that Welsh one saint saint I know it saint
06:52he's
06:55that's it the one with all the gob running down the walls
06:58well righty ho then let's grab our hankies and get down there
07:01yucky da
07:03ducky ya
07:05there it is
07:07did you get the stockings
07:09I've got the tights
07:10what
07:11well that's all that was hanging on the line
07:13oh well then do you get me knickers
07:16no
07:17oh well then I will run with the tights
07:19I
07:20can't see a bloody thing now
07:24where's the car
07:26um
07:27probably over there
07:28behind the gusset
07:29alright
07:30let's do it
07:31they didn't wash them very well did they
07:35I think that might be me
07:36is it
07:37yeah
07:38oh never mind
07:39come on let's do it
07:40I'll break in you keep a look out Eddie
07:41righto
07:42you keep a look out
07:44alright
07:45whoa
07:46oh jeez
07:47I think I've got whiplash
07:49oh
07:50it's no good Eddie
07:51I'm gonna have to drop my hell for the disguise
07:52are you sure that's wise
07:54well medically it is yes
07:55my eyes are beginning to sting because of the niff
07:57come on
07:58let's do it
07:59right
08:05me me me
08:06miney
08:07oh
08:08well done Eddie
08:09haha
08:10we did it
08:12great
08:14yeah
08:15yeah
08:16yeah
08:17yeah
08:18hey
08:19Eddie
08:20why don't we park the car round the corner where he can't find it
08:22hey
08:23oh
08:24oh
08:25I'm gonna do it
08:26I'm gonna bloody do it
08:27hey
08:28Eddie
08:29what
08:30how do you actually drive a car
08:31well
08:32you wait till no one's looking
08:33then you grab the wires from under the dashboard and jam them together until the engine fires up
08:38then you drink another can of special brew
08:41aim at the post office and put a brick on the accelerator
08:44right
08:46well I'll just stick the key in and see what happens
08:48right
08:49what happens
08:50right
08:51oh
08:52oh
08:53oh
08:54oh
08:55oh
08:56oh
08:57oh
08:58oh
08:59oh
09:00oh
09:01oh
09:02oh
09:03oh
09:04oh
09:05oh
09:06oh
09:07oh
09:08this shopping I've notice
09:10I don't know how to drive
09:12shit
09:14Shit
09:15this is the life eh Eddie
09:19This is just like Selva and Louise isn't it
09:21yeah well we are on the right hand side of the road
09:24What? Bloody hell!
09:29Bastard! Roadhog! I was driving on that bit!
09:33Richie, look at this.
09:35It's a lover's romantic sabre bargain luxury glamorous weekend break for two.
09:42These must be Taffy Oak Jones honeymoon tickets.
09:45Ha, ha, ha, ha!
09:49Oh!
09:53Where is it?
09:54The Marvelloso Splendido Hotello.
09:58Wow!
10:00Where's that?
10:02Wolverhampton.
10:04Wow!
10:05Hey, Eddie. Yeah?
10:07Which way is Wolverhampton?
10:08Well, it must be over one of these hills.
10:10Right.
10:11Eeny, meeny mine.
10:12We'll just take the quick route.
10:14Right, you are.
10:15We've got it! Hedge!
10:20A cow!
10:22That's a bit rude, isn't it, Richie?
10:24No, no, it was. It was a cow!
10:29What are those two big hairy things coming out of that hedge?
10:32Oh, that's just a pair of bullocks.
10:34Is this a cow?
10:35That's all right, then.
10:36Put your trousers back on!
10:44Marvelloso!
10:45Marvelloso!
10:54Splendido!
10:58All right, Mrs O Jones.
11:01All right, Mr O Jones.
11:04Let's have some fun.
11:05Yeah.
11:06See how much of a bill we can work up in three days.
11:08Yeah, that'll teach that Welsh bastard!
11:11Let's go!
11:13Oh, Eddie, Eddie!
11:14What?
11:15What?
11:16You've got your jugs on the wrong way round.
11:17What?
11:22It said lifts and separates, not slings around the back.
11:26I mean, they're absolute crackers, Eddie.
11:30They're just back to front.
11:32Well...
11:33Well, just act naturally.
11:39Ah, you must be the happy couple.
11:42Pass!
11:44Yes.
11:45Yes, correct!
11:47Which one of you is Mrs O Jones?
11:51That'll be me.
11:52There are some flowers here for you.
11:56Hang on!
11:57What'd you take me for?
11:58Some sort of baggy trousered ballet enthusiast?
12:02Get me a large scotch and a top of your menhain!
12:04No, no, Irina!
12:05Irina!
12:06Irina!
12:07What's that one bar?
12:08Irina!
12:09Irina!
12:10Leave him alone!
12:11I'm sorry.
12:12She had a bit too much vodka in the church.
12:13Don't worry.
12:14I'll give her a good kicking once we get upstairs.
12:16Right.
12:18The bridal suite is ready for you.
12:20The what?
12:24Well, you're in the bridal suite.
12:26No, no, no.
12:27No!
12:28No, no, no, no, no!
12:29No, no, no, no!
12:30No, no, no!
12:31No, no, no, no!
12:32No, we'd rather have two single rooms, if that's OK.
12:35Oh, dear.
12:36Things not going swimmingly.
12:38Never mind.
12:39Most couples are rather nervous at this stage.
12:41No, you don't understand.
12:42I do not want to spend a night in the same room as her.
12:45Him.
12:46It.
12:48Well, I'm afraid we have no single rooms available.
12:50Yeah, but what if I want to have a wank?
12:58A wangle?
13:00It's a medieval folk dance.
13:02What if I want to have a medieval folk dance on me own in the middle of the night?
13:07I'm afraid the bridal suite is all we have.
13:10Oh, he's chest in my nerves.
13:12What sort of hotel do you call this?
13:14A full one.
13:15Yeah.
13:16Good answer.
13:17Yeah, yeah.
13:18Well done.
13:19Yes.
13:20Well, all right then, Eddie.
13:21Eddie Wiener.
13:23You'll just have to sleep on the sofa.
13:25On my honeymoon?
13:27Sleep on the sofa?
13:29On my honeymoon?
13:32My mother warned me about you, you bastard!
13:36You brute!
13:37You cannibal!
13:39Oh, how I've suffered in the name of love!
13:42Only women bleed!
13:46Yeah, I think I'd dispute that, actually, Eddie.
13:48Well, have you had enough or do you want some more?
13:50All right, all right, I've had plenty!
13:51Of course, you can have the bed, darling.
13:54Why, thank you, tulip.
13:56Oh, and daffodil.
13:57Yes, carnation?
13:58Get this!
14:01Whoa!
14:02Oh, me bollock!
14:04I mean, me girl's bitch!
14:07I mean, me nothings at all!
14:09Oh, in fact, thank goodness I am a girl.
14:12Otherwise, that would have really hurt!
14:16I think I'm going to pass out, you know.
14:18Yep, I was right.
14:22Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
14:24She only got married this morning.
14:26She's still a little on the shy, unconscious side.
14:30Come along, darling.
14:31Let's slap on a condom and get on with it.
14:33What time's dinner?
14:35Seven o'clock.
14:36Seven o...
14:38But that's 20 minutes away!
14:40Oh, God, I'm going to have to do it four times!
14:43Yo, heave-ho!
14:50Your bags, sir.
14:51What are they showing?
14:53Oh, no!
14:55See what you mean, yes.
14:56Jolly good place to put them, excellent, yes.
14:59What?
15:00Sod off!
15:02You earn more money than I do!
15:03You want to be giving me some of yours!
15:05You bloody bastard!
15:08Ah!
15:10Oh.
15:13Looks like an opportunity for a little medieval folk dance in the bathroom.
15:21Oh.
15:23Hello.
15:24You're one of those sort of...
15:28servant girls, aren't you?
15:30If I may say so, er...
15:32that's a smashing blouse you have on.
15:35I've just brought you complimentary honeymoon biscuits.
15:39Oh, you raven-haired temptress from below stairs!
15:44I expect you're rather...
15:46nervous to meet me, aren't you?
15:48Don't be nervous.
15:50I'm not.
15:51What?
15:53Oh!
15:54A spirited filly!
15:56Ha!
15:57And good teeth, too!
15:58Yes!
15:59Yes, fine stock!
16:00Mm!
16:01Firm!
16:03Do you mind?
16:05It's interesting, this relationship, isn't it?
16:09Interesting in what? Why?
16:11Well, in that...
16:13you're the servant girl,
16:15and I'm the master.
16:17And you have to do...
16:19everything I say.
16:21I was wondering if you wanted me to turn your bed down.
16:29What do you mean?
16:31Some of the guests like me to pull the sheets down a bit.
16:34Do they?
16:36Yes!
16:38Yes, and while you're at it, I'd like you to get down on all fours and scrub out the fireplace so your bum wobbles about the place.
16:44Oh, while we're on the subject,
16:48I wonder if you could show me how to use the shower.
16:52Well, um...
16:56You just turn these taps on, are you?
16:58No, no, I mean...
17:00I wonder if you could properly show me how to use it.
17:02You know, get your kit off and...
17:04get all sort of soapy and...
17:06let rivulets of water run between your heaving breasts.
17:07I thought you just got married this morning.
17:09Oh, well, yes, I did. You see, but my wife doesn't understand me.
17:11I think you'll find I understand you only to...
17:14Edwina, huh?
17:16This is not what it seems.
17:18You were trying to pork her.
17:19No, no, no, no, no, I simply don't understand how the shower works.
17:20He was trying to pork me, you know.
17:22Of course he was, my dear. Men. Pshh!
17:26I've never asked you to get in your hands when you're heaving breasts.
17:29I thought you just got married this morning.
17:31Oh, well, yes, I did. You see, but my wife doesn't understand me.
17:33I think you'll find I understand you only to...
17:35Edwina, huh?
17:36This is not what it seems.
17:38You were trying to pork her.
17:40No, no, no, I simply don't understand how the shower works.
17:44He was trying to pork me, you know.
17:46Of course he was, my dear. Men. Pshh!
17:48They're only ever after one thing.
17:51Sexist bastards!
17:55Us birds should stick together.
17:59Maybe in the nude.
18:02Tell me, my dear.
18:05Are you at all interested in the pleasures of Sappho?
18:09Perhaps you'd like to come on a winter wonderland waterbed cruise
18:12to the Isle of Lesbos?
18:13You're worse than your husband!
18:17I'll tell you what, bitch.
18:19If anyone else keeps me in their knackers,
18:20this charade is going to be increasingly difficult to sustain.
18:22And they're getting pretty hard to conceal.
18:23I mean, they must be about this big.
18:24It's all right, Danny.
18:25All right, all right.
18:26Shut up.
18:27Act posh or we get found out.
18:28Oh, sure.
18:32My help is, um...
18:33Not just now, thanks.
18:34Good evening, madame.
18:35Do I know you?
18:36Do you have a reservation?
18:37Yeah.
18:38Do you have a reservation?
18:39Yeah.
18:40I'm not sure we're going to get away with this.
18:41Would madame like to come through?
18:42How dare you!
18:43Mon dieu!
18:44Mon dieu!
18:45Mon dieu!
18:46Mon dieu!
18:47Mon dieu, kiss-kiss-pasta!
18:48I'm not sure we're going to get away with this.
18:49Would madame like to come through?
18:50How dare you!
18:53Good evening, madam. Do I know you reservation? Yeah, I'm not sure we're gonna get away with this
19:05I like to come food. How dare you?
19:11Mon dieu! Mon dieu, qu'est-ce qu'est-ce pas-ce?
19:15Edwina, don't bop the waiter. This is a Porsche car.
19:18Sexist bastards!
19:20My wife doesn't speak French, but, uh, je do.
19:25Jacques Delors. Tour de France.
19:29Garlic suppository.
19:31Pop-pop van! Edwina, don't be so foul!
19:34I'm sorry, she just got married this morning. She's still a bit frisky.
19:37Well, you'd understand that. You're a frog, aren't you?
19:40Now then, where is je's table for je and je's mesos?
19:43Would you care to walk this way?
19:47I'd rather not.
19:49Well, I'm afraid I have to.
19:52These, uh, these saucy honeymoon andies are a bit on the cutting severe side.
19:57Don't you worry, Eddie. You can always take them off.
19:59Later.
20:00Or maybe I'll rip them off with my bare teeth.
20:03Oh, no, it's not a girl, it's Eddie. It's Eddie!
20:05It's not a girl, it's Eddie. It's not a girl, it's Eddie.
20:08Oh, God, I hope I don't get drunk.
20:11Here we are.
20:13Yeah, well, I can see that.
20:16Madame?
20:17Oi, careful of me jugs. Don't pop them.
20:23Would you like to see the menu?
20:25Yeah, I'd better have a look at it now. I'll probably be too pissed to read in half an hour.
20:29Oh, yes. This is a very poncy menu, isn't it? Yes, very poncy.
20:34It's all in French, yes. Don't understand a word of it. Yes. Marvellous.
20:39What do you recommend?
20:40The chef does a very good red mullet.
20:43Oh, really? Well, he does a very good Leonard Rossiter, don't he?
20:46No.
20:47Now what?
20:48No, no.
20:49Now what?
20:50No, all right. He is brilliant.
20:52Right, shut up, everybody. Shut up. All of you, shut up.
20:55You, you, shut it.
20:58Now, all right.
20:59Now, I'm only going to do this once, right?
21:01Because once I get started, I never start.
21:04Because I am bonkers, right?
21:07OK, here goes Leonard Rossiter.
21:11Oh, Miss Jones.
21:14Oh, Miss Jones.
21:16Well, that was incredible.
21:21I've never seen anyone clear a restaurant so quickly.
21:24What?
21:25So, what would you like, Madame?
21:28Entree.
21:30Put him in.
21:31Here, in the restaurant.
21:34I'd rather not thank you. I think we'll just have a main course.
21:36Oh, Cower, that's enough of all the bollocks.
21:39Look, Audrey, man to man.
21:41Er, well, bird to man, obviously.
21:44We just want two place of top-class swanky-nosh, all right?
21:47The top, the class, the swanky-noshy. Combrendy-noony-noony.
21:52Oh, oh, and I'll have a large scotch.
21:54A double?
21:56No, half a pint.
21:57And for the gentleman?
22:00Oh, well, diddly-diddly-doo.
22:02What is a top-class swanky-tipple?
22:05Depends where you come from, sir.
22:07Oh, well, I come from Hammersmith.
22:11Half of mine.
22:12Yes, that'd be lovely.
22:14And bug an umbrella in it.
22:16Very well.
22:17Would you like to see the wine list?
22:19Um, well, I think we'll just have one of each.
22:23Very well.
22:24One red, one white.
22:27No, no, one of each number.
22:29Certainly.
22:30And now, bugger off again.
22:35Hey, hey, and Audrey.
22:37No dribbling in the gravy.
22:39We know what you French are like.
22:41Oh, yeah, and while we're on the subject,
22:43no hollowing out the fish fingers and poking dog shit in.
22:49Yeah, cos you get me every time with that, don't you?
22:53I certainly do.
22:56Very good, sir.
22:57Now, if you'll excuse me,
22:58I think I'm getting a hernia with laughing so much.
23:03Oh, yeah.
23:04Well, we are pretty crazy, guys.
23:06You have to watch it around us, too.
23:07Well, except that I'm a bird.
23:10Oh, yeah, except that he's a bird.
23:12Oh, he's gone.
23:14Charming, man.
23:15Oh, lovely.
23:16Have his marvellous service.
23:17Hey, do you think you're on?
23:19It's hard to tell.
23:20This peekaboo bra is so tight,
23:22it's cut off the circulation to my head.
23:24The alpha pint of whisky, is for?
23:27That's for me.
23:29And the glass of brown shit with the fairy liquid on top.
23:34Great.
23:35I'll have another three of those.
23:38I think this could be a very entertaining evening.
23:41Hey, it's no wonder us birds wear high heels, is it?
23:57I mean, these are your rivals are a bit on the high side, aren't they?
24:01Hey, you're a proper bird, aren't you?
24:04I'll just finish off here, then we can have a bit of a bunk up in one of the cubicles, alright?
24:10I beg your pardon?
24:12Look, it's alright.
24:13My husband doesn't understand me.
24:16Why not?
24:17Because I'm too pissed to talk most of the time.
24:21Come on, it'll be alright.
24:22I'm a lesbian, you know.
24:24Yes, we used the A40 most of the way.
24:31Yes, yes.
24:32Had an awful lot of trouble getting over the River Severn.
24:35We used a bridge in the end, yes.
24:38Hmm?
24:39No, I don't know what kind of car it is.
24:41It's the orange one in the car park with all the dents and the blood splattered up the side.
24:45You know, the dead cow poking out the boot.
24:48You could have had a couple of chops if you liked.
24:50Not at all, not at all.
24:53Yes, I suppose I am a bit of a great bloke, really, aren't I?
24:56Yes.
24:57Ha-ha.
25:00That was a nice chat.
25:02Shame I haven't got someone real to talk to.
25:05Rich! Rich!
25:07Excuse me, Sir Robert.
25:08She who must be obeyed beckoneth.
25:11What?
25:12Well, you must come down and shoot my grass sometime.
25:15Yes, his name's Keith.
25:17Rich!
25:18Coming! Fruit Salad!
25:23It's happened again, Rich.
25:25Oh, no.
25:26Let me give you a tip.
25:27If you're ever pretending to be a lesbian, keep your tackle really well hidden.
25:31Right.
25:33Bonsoir.
25:34With a lovely new brand spanking new bride.
25:38A sad loss to us hot-blooded men like a little drinky-winky on the house.
25:42Do you mind?
25:43Shut up, Rich.
25:44Why, that's...that's very kind of you.
25:50I'll have a pint of mild.
25:51A pint of mild.
25:52Yeah.
25:53Make it a double.
25:54A double.
25:56Oh, what a cracking pair of buns you got there.
25:58I bet you can pull more than pints, eh?
26:01Eh?
26:02Eh?
26:03Eh?
26:04Eh?
26:05Come on.
26:06Let's run away together to a brewery far from the rat race.
26:09Edwina?
26:10Edwina?
26:11Edwina?
26:12Edwina?
26:13Edwina?
26:14Yeah.
26:15Stop talking to that man.
26:16He's just trying to get inside your pants.
26:17He'll have a job, mate.
26:18I mean, the expansion.
26:19The elastics, I'm critical.
26:20Right, that's it.
26:21Time for bed, I think.
26:22Bugger off!
26:23I think I'm on here.
26:24Now, look, I don't want to cause a scene or anything, darling.
26:26But we are married now and you have to do everything I say.
26:29Ooh, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.
26:50Bar man.
26:52Come on, let's have another five pints.
26:54Five pints.
26:55Yeah.
26:56Five pints.
26:57Oh, that is it. We've only been married for 12 hours and look at you, you swallop, openly flirting with the barman.
27:11Everybody's looking at us. Everybody knows we're newlyweds.
27:15That's it. I've got a good mind to take my belt to you, you swallop.
27:19Wait for me.
27:20Such a big girl, huh?
27:28Careful, don't pop them.
27:30Get your hands off my wife. I was only picking her up.
27:34Listen, he openly admits it.
27:36All right, that's it. Come on, put up your dukes, you foul French letter.
27:42Look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress.
27:45Yeah, and don't try that old, hey, look, there's Ted Rogers in a dress routine on me, buster.
27:50Come on, get over here and get some good old-fashioned British violence.
27:53But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress with a big seven-foot Neanderthal figure.
27:59That's not Ted Rogers.
28:01That's that bird from the abattoir that's getting married to Cannonball Taffy-O-Jones.
28:05Yeah!
28:07Cannonball Taffy-O-Jones!
28:09That's right, you ignorant English wankers!
28:11Huh?
28:13Huh?
28:14Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
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