- 20/05/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00I love you.
00:30The soldier ant can carry up to 2,000 times its own weight
00:37as it gathers food for its queen.
00:39This colony will be able to survive for up to a year
00:42by feeding on just one turn-of-the-century schoolgirl.
01:00And now the winner of two Perriers, a Mount Franklin and a Yakult,
01:24Sheen McHadry!
01:30Thank you very much, good evening, and welcome.
01:51Just a quick political observation.
01:53I think if Amanda Vanstone wants to be taken seriously by the public,
01:56she should stop wearing that blouse with the chairs on it.
01:58Who's with me?
02:03You know, a lot of people write in and ask me if I am an intellectual,
02:06and I have to answer, yes, I am.
02:09Or as Plato would say, yes, he is.
02:11See, I've just written a new book, and I'm pretty proud of it.
02:14It took me three years and cost me my marriage.
02:17It's called Who Farted 2, with an asterisk where the A should be,
02:20because I cannot provide filth.
02:23It's 12 pages of photographs with the caption,
02:25Who Farted, under each one.
02:27Now, I'm not saying it will win the Miles Franklin Award.
02:30It's just an honour to be nominated.
02:32And if you want to vote for me, the form's in TV Week.
02:35And if you want to buy the book, it will be available shortly in all good ABC shops.
02:42And that really awful one in Launceston.
02:44Not now, Pogo. Not now.
02:53Anyway, we are not here to plug my book.
02:55There are all sorts of ABC policies preventing me from doing that.
02:58Um, this is light entertainment, and entertain you lightly, we will.
03:02As this pre-recorded material demonstrates.
03:04Uh, this is the, uh, main entrance area.
03:08Right.
03:09Uh, Queen Anne chair in the corner above it.
03:11A large mirror.
03:12Uh-huh.
03:13Uh, oak sideboard along there.
03:15Hat rack there.
03:16Through here is the main living area.
03:18Bookcases there.
03:20Lounge suite along the side wall there.
03:23Picture rail running all the way around the pictures.
03:25Uh, main entertainment unit there.
03:28Uh, antique side table there.
03:31And all destroyed?
03:32All destroyed.
03:33It doesn't bother me, obviously, I'm just glad no-one was here at the time.
03:36Oh, sure, but we, um, have to catalogue it all for the claim.
03:39Of course.
03:40Uh, through there is the master bedroom, uh, queen-sized bed, uh, all the bedding.
03:45Uh, carpet, we had built-in wardrobes and all the clothes gone there.
03:51Uh, a side table there, a dressing table there, 17th century Japanese trunk there.
03:56Over there is where I started the fire.
03:58This is Stephen Crewell.
04:01He collects autographs.
04:03But Stephen is no ordinary autograph collector.
04:07Stephen is no ordinary autograph collector.
04:09I like challenge.
04:10Anyone can go up to a Hollywood star coming out of a TV studio or a movie premiere or whatever,
04:16and get an autograph.
04:17I think that's a bit easy.
04:18Uh, I like making it a little more difficult for myself.
04:21That's why I'm here.
04:23Stephen is at the Franklin Street bus terminal on the off chance that Barbara Streisand will
04:27be arriving on the time between Firefly from Adelaide.
04:30He understands it's a long shot.
04:32Yeah, well, you know, I've got no delusions about what I do, eh, you know.
04:35There's a good chance she might not be on that bus.
04:38Um, she might have come in on an earlier one or she might not be on it at all, let's face it.
04:43But, um, I reckon even if it's like a hundred to one shot, that's a chance, and, um, you know,
04:48it makes the autograph more satisfying and valuable if I'm right.
04:52But Stephen is wrong.
04:54The 10-15 arrives and Streisand is not on board.
04:57Stephen always has several autograph challenges going on at one time.
05:01Later on the same day, he's waiting outside the Felix de Laundromat in the hope that Kenneth Branagh will stop and do alone.
05:07Yeah, well, you know, he's been to Australia a couple of times before, and, uh, I figure everyone's got to wash their clothes at some stage,
05:12and those hotels can be pretty expensive, the facilities there, so he might well come over to the other side of the city and, uh, do a load here.
05:18Oh, hang on, is that over there?
05:20Nah, it's alright.
05:21No, it's, uh, it's another guy.
05:24It's another guy.
05:25In the 25 years since he began autograph hunting, Stephen has bagged two autographs.
05:30Okay.
05:31This, uh, this was Michael Cain's.
05:33That was, uh, taken in the Tantanula Caves in South Australia.
05:36Uh, there's a very lucky one, that one.
05:38I was actually after Tina Arena.
05:40But, uh, I've been down there three days and, you know, so, it's a bit of a compromise, but, uh, not a bad one, that one.
05:46This one, though, is the one I'm, uh, the most, uh, proud of.
05:50Uh, that is Hector Alonso from ER.
05:53Uh, I happen to be, uh, I was over there on a, a universal tour of the studio there, and where they make ER, seeing all that,
06:02and, uh, uh, uh, he happened to be there signing autographs and posing for photographs.
06:07So, it's completely out of the blue, that one.
06:09And, uh, unfortunately, I missed him.
06:12I came in a bit late, so he wasn't there.
06:14I had to, uh, forge his signature.
06:17So, it's very, very much like, uh, like his real one.
06:20Except for the misspelling of the surname there.
06:23But, uh, so it makes it rare. It makes it very rare.
06:28With Branagh apparently deciding to do his laundry elsewhere,
06:32Stephen decides that the rest of the day is best spent at the Elwood Canal,
06:35in the hope that Marlon Brando will swim past.
06:38Brando fails to show.
06:40But, as a protest, he sends American Indian Sachin Littlefeather in his place to explain the plight of the Amerindian people.
06:46We are a random collection of cells which evolved into the human form as a freak of evolution!
06:53God does not exist!
06:56Mr. Ed actually had peanut butter in his mouth!
07:06Fantastic.
07:07Act 2 there, Dante, Master Disillusionist.
07:124.
07:14Well, earlier this week, 23 year old Paul Drew...
07:17Excuse me.
07:18Hello?
07:19Did you know I'm not wearing any underpants?
07:24No, I didn't.
07:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
07:32John Blackman, he's got a million of them.
07:34Fantastic.
07:35Earlier this week, 23-year-old Paul Drewbury was presented with the Young Businessmen of the Year Award and a very handsome cheque.
07:47He was chosen from 300 others by the Chamber of Commerce for his outstanding contribution to the Australian business community.
07:53And he joins me now. Paul, congratulations. Young Businessmen of the Year, eh?
07:57I'm absolutely flattered by the award, Sean. A lot of very good people were nominated.
08:02I guess it was just my lucky day.
08:06But you're obviously the most outstanding Young Businessmen of the Year in the country.
08:10I don't know about that. There really wasn't that much between us and we're all just doing our very best in our chosen fields.
08:18Well, the Chamber of Commerce didn't agree. They say you're the best.
08:21Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
08:24So what, there's been a mix-up in the voting, has there?
08:28They awarded you a cheque for $250,000 for nothing.
08:32You're saying it's gone to the wrong person?
08:35I'm serious.
08:39Well, I guess they decided that, you know, my contribution was, you know, so...
08:48What?
08:51But it's not for me to say, really, is it? It's up to the judges.
08:55Oh, no, but you've got a mind of your own and presumably have some sort of assessment of your ability.
09:00Yes.
09:00So, was your contribution to the Australian business community an outstanding one or not?
09:09Seems to amuse you.
09:13Look, I'm just an ordinary guy doing his job.
09:16I don't, you know, I don't...
09:20My...
09:21My guess, I...
09:23You know...
09:24You guess what?
09:27I guess my contribution to Australian business was an outstanding one.
09:36Ooh, if you do say so yourself.
09:38Paul Drewbury there, young businessman of the year, and one of the most arrogant young men I've ever met.
09:46Good heavens.
09:53Oh!
09:55Jeez.
09:57Camping with Sean.
10:00How's it going?
10:01Well, not very well.
10:02I think we're on a bit of a slope here.
10:03Oh, well, it's only for a weekend, isn't it?
10:04No, I just want to...
10:05To Christ our Lord, our man.
10:11Someone who is very close to Tommy is Owen Tully.
10:22A gentleman who couldn't say no to a drink.
10:26Was how I once described Tommy Pewter to a prospective employer.
10:31He was a tall man who loved his pigeon.
10:35And if you're ever in trouble, he was always there with a helping hand or a filthy limerick.
10:43I know Tommy'd be embarrassed if he heard me tell you this.
10:48But he was under suspicion for a number of robberies in the area.
10:51He was never charged, but he was questioned on several occasions.
10:54Gwen, I'm sure he told you this many times, but far and away, the happiest time of his life
11:07was when he threw three triple-twenties down at the Sloterman's Arms.
11:14We drank a bit that night.
11:15I love Tommy, and I, for one, shall miss him dearly.
11:24He also said I could have his couch.
11:26And welcome back to round two.
11:33Who am I?
11:34I suffered a head injury in a car accident and lost my memory.
11:37I've been wandering the streets the last few hours disoriented and confused.
11:40I have no idea who I am.
11:42If you can identify me, please ring the police immediately.
11:44Well, she makes Germaine Greer look like Barbara Cartland.
11:49No, she's not a brilliant plastic surgeon.
11:51She's Australia's leading feminist.
11:53She holds the chair in Women's Studies at ANU.
11:56And her new book, Sappho's Muse, has just been released.
11:59It's 120 pages of dynamite.
12:01But don't let me spoil it for you by explaining what's in it.
12:04I'll leave that to Sonia.
12:05Sonia Stillman.
12:06APPLAUSE
12:08I didn't know whether to kiss you just then or not.
12:18Oh.
12:19Confused.
12:19Could have kissed me.
12:21I suppose the moment's lost now, isn't it?
12:23It would seem a bit contundent if I got up and planted one on you.
12:26Probably.
12:28Is that a problem, do you think, for women now?
12:32Particularly an attractive one such as yourself, you know, knowing what to do these days?
12:38Oh, well, I think it's probably more of a problem for men.
12:42Yes, but you've caused it, though, haven't you?
12:45Sorry, people like you.
12:47What do you mean?
12:48Well, you know, it's hard for men to meet an attractive woman such as yourself
12:53and conscious that, say me, am to feministic qualities,
12:58which are your right, as they should be, and you shouldn't be denied that,
13:03er, er, to me, say, again, I, knowing that, er, am, if.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:13So, so, if I could summarise, or pricey, what I was saying.
13:19Um, if, if, for example, should I stand when you enter a room
13:23or, er, or offer you my seat in the bus or open a door for you?
13:27You know, that sort of stuff.
13:28Well, I hope that what I write about has a bit more to it
13:31than making you feel awkward about being polite.
13:34I mean, whether you stand up for me or kiss me hello
13:37is really neither here nor there.
13:38It's why you do it that's probably more important.
13:41I mean, why did you go to kiss me when I came in here just now?
13:44Well, it just, it just seemed appropriate.
13:47Was it because you found me attractive
13:49or because you wanted to make me feel comfortable?
13:51Um, well, it's sort of a showbiz thing.
13:53You know, everyone kisses everybody.
13:54It's, it's what we do.
13:56It's, uh, showbiz.
13:57Do you, um, do you kiss Francis hello when you see him?
14:01LAUGHTER
14:02Uh, yeah, a bit.
14:05Uh, you know, nothing major.
14:08Just a, just a couple of quick pecs, but...
14:10Sure, I mean, it's all, it's all right to find me attractive.
14:13I mean, that's how people relate to each other, degrees of attraction.
14:16And I think you're very attractive.
14:19Oh, thank you.
14:21Sure, I mean, you've got a bit of the Cary Grant thing happening.
14:23I mean, I like that.
14:25Oh, really?
14:27You've led me on a very merry chase, a very merry chase indeed.
14:31Hello.
14:32How are you today?
14:35LAUGHTER
14:35I sort of meant the suit and everything.
14:42But, you know, you dress very neatly
14:44and on a superficial level, I'm open to you.
14:47Well, I'm attracted to you too, Sonia.
14:50Very good looking, good body and a nice face too.
14:53She's very pretty, isn't she, ladies and gentlemen?
14:56APPLAUSE
14:56You see...
14:58You see, Sean, there's a difference
15:02between finding someone superficially attractive
15:05and being attracted to them.
15:07Yes, well, I mean, I am superficially attracted to you.
15:11I mean, I don't know anything about you
15:12except what I've read in the bio
15:13and I like what I see there too.
15:16Uh, uni degree.
15:18Good on you.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:20You see, I find that patronising.
15:22Oh, Debbie's stupid.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25I'm only saying, you know...
15:27It's like a thing...
15:29For example, when you conjure up the image you have,
15:33on a pedestal, they're on.
15:35They're pretty high.
15:36And you've got to get in there on the similar level,
15:39a crane lifting you up to about the same level.
15:42Not...
15:43The glass ceiling is an important thing.
15:45Not so we can look up the dress, but...
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47I don't know, I was hoping you were going to interrupt me.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:51All right, well, you see,
15:53I made a comment about the way you look
15:55and you chose to...
15:57You chose to interpret it as a sexual invitation,
16:00which, in the context of a television interview,
16:02is completely inappropriate.
16:03No, I did not interpret it that way.
16:05Nothing could have been further from my mind.
16:07I mean, you started it anyway with your, you know, hello,
16:10rolling in the come-hither look you were giving me.
16:12Well...
16:13Gone with the wind was happening here.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16I find you attractive.
16:17I find many people attractive.
16:18I'm...
16:19I find Francis very attractive.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:22Well, you know, why don't you marry him?
16:25You love him so much.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27You see, you can't help but be offended
16:30because you're interpreting it in a sexual way.
16:32Oh, me?
16:32You're the one who wants to sleep with him.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35I mean, I'm...
16:36You're like, hey, I'm not attracted to Francis at all,
16:39even if he was a woman.
16:40So where does that leave me?
16:41LAUGHTER
16:42Well, you see, that's very interesting
16:45because men instinctively apply different standards of beauty to men
16:48than they do to women.
16:50Um, did you see The Crying Game?
16:53Yeah.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55Did you find Jay Davidson attractive as a woman?
16:57Well, no, I mean, it was obvious he was a man.
17:00Well, many people accepted without question that he was a woman.
17:03Well, yeah, well, he had a penis.
17:04It sort of gave it away for me.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06Before that.
17:07Look, Francis has given me the wind-up now,
17:10so we could talk like this for hours.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:13Here it is, Sappho's Muse.
17:15Although I haven't read it, to be perfectly honest,
17:17but I'm sure it's the usual stuff.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:19So, please thank Sonia Stillman.
17:22APPLAUSE
17:23Thank you very much, Jamie, for coming in.
17:25APPLAUSE
17:26APPLAUSE
17:27Sector 4, range in mark clear.
17:39Sector 3, range in mark clear.
17:41Continue the suite, number 1.
17:43Sir, I'm picking something up on my radar.
17:46It's a cup of coffee.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:49You know, when you sponsor a child like Doris here,
18:11you'll be doing more than just putting food on her table.
18:15If every Australian gave a dollar a week to someone like Doris,
18:19that would guarantee her a weekly income of about $18 million.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:23Or almost a billion dollars a year.
18:26That buys a lot in Doris's village.
18:29Enough coconuts to stretch from here to Neptune,
18:32transported in solid gold space shuttles
18:34fuelled by burning banknotes.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36It does seem a bit excessive, doesn't it?
18:40LAUGHTER
18:41Get your head on front-wise.
18:56LAUGHTER
18:57LAUGHTER
18:58Thanks, mate.
19:02Well, it's now four days since floodwaters
19:10devastated the town of Nambala.
19:12Right now, we're about to cross live
19:14to local property owner Louise Macreenor in Nambala.
19:17Louise, what's the mood like up there at the moment?
19:19Well, things are still pretty grim up here, Sean.
19:22The waters have receded, thank God.
19:25We've been relatively lucky.
19:27I mean, we've lost our crops, our sunflower, our cabbage,
19:30but some of our friends have lost their cattle,
19:33their houses and all of their personal belongings.
19:35But I understand that an appeal has been started
19:38and people can donate by...
19:39OK, we're going to have to leave it there, Louise,
19:41because your nipples are erect.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:44Each week, we get letters from you, and I love to read them,
19:48correct any spelling and grammatical errors
19:50and return them to you.
19:51Occasionally, they're interesting.
19:52This week, we had a very special letter
19:54from a very special little boy.
19:56And to give me that letter now so I can read it,
19:57please welcome our special guest mail deliverer this week,
20:00Fireboy!
20:01LAUGHTER
20:01Yes, that's a different job for Fireboy on the show next week.
20:12OK?
20:14APPLAUSE
20:14Hi, how are you?
20:18Good, thanks.
20:19How can I help you?
20:19Yeah, do you have any flutes?
20:21Yes, certainly. Come this way.
20:23OK.
20:24Oh, yeah.
20:26Um, no, what we've got is...
20:28This is the top-of-the-range Armstrong.
20:30Uh-huh.
20:31And we've also got the very popular Yamaha,
20:33which is this one.
20:34Yeah. OK, and that's all you have?
20:37Yeah, yeah, that's it.
20:38OK.
20:39OK.
20:48Christ, I hate them.
20:50Thanks for that.
20:51APPLAUSE
20:52Thank you, Francis.
21:01As you might be aware, it's very hard to get TV programs made in Australia these days
21:05unless you get funding from overseas sales.
21:07And you're unlikely to get overseas sales unless you have something in the program
21:10that overseas people can relate to.
21:12So eager are we to break into the UK market, we've decided to include something specifically
21:17reflecting the British way of life in the hope that they will buy the series.
21:20Obviously, it's...
21:21Well, you know, it's designed to curry favour with our mother country.
21:24I hope you don't find it too sycophantic.
21:27Enjoy.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:32Here you go, love.
21:42Duh!
21:43No.
21:44Bloody hell, that Tom Oliver can't offer that, can he?
21:48Bloody hell, woman!
21:49This beer's cold!
21:50Oh, give it here, then.
21:52I'll shove it back in the oven!
21:53No!
21:54Hey!
21:56It's late, you, Alan.
21:58This is the time we had your bath, then.
22:01Alan's dead, Dad.
22:02Kill him for me, but some kids will do anything to get out of having a bath.
22:05Hey, Dad.
22:06Can't borrow two quid.
22:08Dawn's up the duff, and her old man's gonna kill me unless we get married before I go and
22:11do porridge for that off-licence I knocked off last week.
22:14Mother!
22:15Do you hear that?
22:16Arthur wants to borrow two quid!
22:18Oh, leave it, Alan, for you to be bleeding made of brass!
22:21Hey, and we're deciding to make it easier.
22:23We're gonna have the reception here.
22:25How many guests?
22:26Two hundred.
22:26Mother!
22:27Two hundred guests for a sit-down dinner.
22:29Can we manage?
22:30Only if they stand up and not eat nothing.
22:33I at least want a friggin' wedding cake.
22:35Well, Alan can pop down Baker's and knit one.
22:38Alan's dead, Mum.
22:39Oh, shut it!
22:40I can't eat a nipple of Charles.
22:42That'll be a begs, Lord.
22:43Bloody hell, you wouldn't hear Harold talk to Madge like that.
22:46What's for dinner?
22:48Leftovers!
22:49Bloody hell, with our leftovers every night for the last six months!
22:53Well, we wouldn't have if someone bloody ate him in birthplace!
22:57This!
22:58I couldn't eat this!
22:59This is not fit enough to give our dog!
23:04Incidentally, where is our dog?
23:06I'm off the dole office!
23:14And when I come home, I expect this place to be absolutely filthy!
23:18Here, Arthur, how many beers you had?
23:20Six.
23:21Six?
23:22Or are you going to catch the bus to school again this morning?
23:25Leave it!
23:28Come upstairs!
23:28I feel like I need a little bit of lovin'!
23:32Oh, leave it out!
23:34Come on!
24:04And just keep doing that until I tell you to stop.
24:13It's my father-in-law, ladies and gentlemen.
24:22Well, like the madam of a sadomasochistic whorehouse,
24:25father time has beaten us again.
24:28Thanks to our guests, X and Y.
24:30Sorry, we're supposed to put their names in, but...
24:32into the order queue, but it hasn't been done.
24:35And a big hand, I think,
24:36for our special guest mail deliverer this week, Fireboy.
24:42And I'd like to thank you very much
24:43for putting yourself out to be here for the final segment.
24:46Oh, please.
24:48And finally, the results of last week's end-of-show phone quiz.
24:51Is Blue Heeler star John Ward a real policeman?
24:54Answer was, of course, no.
24:58Delicious.
24:59OK.
25:00We're running very late, so there's no time for pleasantries.
25:03So, Francis Ross and Wayne, you're all lazy,
25:05stinking and untalented.
25:06Good night, everybody.
25:07We're running very late, so there's no time for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here for us to be here
26:07Not now, Pogo.
26:15Not now.
26:37Not now, Pogo.
26:45Not now, Pogo.
26:47Not now.
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