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Short filmTranscript
00:00jeez gina i can smell your perfume from the top of the stairs i'm not wearing any perfume
00:11the uh the bottle said unisex how were you this morning i don't know i'm a little frustrated
00:23about my career i mean i came out here a couple months ago with all these goals and i haven't
00:27achieved any of them like what i haven't been on the cover of a magazine i haven't been nominated
00:32for an award i haven't been on even one best dress list what's up with that you were in a magazine
00:39last month you were in people unidentified male next to nicole kidman well something good better
00:45happen for me soon i want to feel like i made the right decision moving out here joey why don't you
00:50do something about it yeah call your agent light a fire onto her oh let me do it i will wreck part
00:55no no no i'll do it but you're right yeah i should call her i need work not being on tv is even
01:03starting to affect my love life no yeah last night i went out to meet a girl you know for sex
01:10and i realized when i moved out here i lost a big part of my rap i'm no longer joey triviani
01:17star of days of our lives lines like that actually work well not as good as your man perfume
01:23you know now that i don't have that things are harder you know i gotta say i hate to delight in
01:32this but it's kind of nice that for once you're having a problem with women i mean hey joey
01:36thanks for a fun night oh yeah you take care
01:43i said it was hard i didn't say it was impossible
01:54you want to be all right you gotta watch
02:08oh well he's just walking in right now
02:20i'll tell him great news joey i just got you the lead in an industrial safety video
02:40what no no no no no i don't want to do any more stuff like that look bobby i came to la to take
02:49the next step in my career and i feel like i'm taking a step back you know you got me doing these
02:53lame auditions lousy commercials that mystery theater thing at ted danson's house
02:58what i need things to change now oh there's the fiery latin heartthrob that i took a chance on
03:07i'm not latin i'm italian italian oh no
03:15italians are out this year it may be time for you to call in your boy band connections
03:23i wasn't in a boy band i can't catch a break
03:28look bobby you gotta do whatever it takes to get me something and something good
03:35otherwise i'm gonna go out and find someone else who will
03:38okay look just give me one more chance i will find you something there's gonna be no more celebrity
03:46parties okay no more cheesy commercials oh and when you get home just delete the message about
03:52emceeing the dog show all right okay that's more like it now is there anything i can do on
03:59my end yeah it'd be great if you had some connections who have you met in this business
04:04who's powerful i mean someone who loves you someone you trust
04:08just you i guess
04:12oh you sweet thing come here oh god slap a diaper on you and nurse you right now
04:23hey joey hey alex uh what's going on here oh i'm hosting an alumni event for northwestern
04:40university no no i meant there's no mustard for the pigs in the blanket where's your head at girl
04:46i'll take care of it hey hey alex that guy looks familiar but i can't place him usually when i have
04:53that feeling it's someone i've slept with but i don't think it's that
04:56he's a movie producer
04:59hey can you introduce me to him my agent said i need to make some hollywood connections
05:03oh yeah sure hey steve this is uh my friend joey tribiani he's an actor he just moved here from
05:10new york a couple months ago hey steve carpenter nice to meet you yeah you too and now if you'll
05:14excuse me there's a girl in there i hated in college and i'm now more successful than
05:18so joey you don't look familiar are you a wildcat well i don't like to brag about it but i do okay
05:28you can go ahead and brag we're all proud we went to northwestern go wildcats oh i thought you
05:35meant you know you should come in and audition for me sometime really yeah we like to look out for
05:39our own that's why they call us the northwestern mafia no we got alumni at every studio network and
05:45major talent agency in this town then i am really glad i went there go out guys say what year did you
05:53graduate wait let me guess uh 91 wow producer or awesome year guesser who do i know that was 91
06:03lance beckman you know lance uh is he here no i was in his wedding if you're new in town i should
06:12introduce you to the rest of the northwestern mafia that's too bad i don't think there's anyone else
06:16here from 91 oh darn that would have been a fun situation hey guys this is joey joey this is dave
06:29he's an executive at universal oh mark's in television hey and paul is a feature director
06:34wow man joey's a class of 91 oh yeah what dorm are we in uh different one every night if you know what i
06:40mean right so what'd you study uh uh not much of anything i'm afraid
06:48uh oh fight song time no way spread for the fame of our fair name go northwestern win that game
06:58and then we'll okay
06:59hey hey
07:05where'd you get the northwestern shirt oh at an organizational meeting for next year's homecoming
07:13hello joey i did it i got you a huge audition for tomorrow that was fast what happened well
07:29apparently your friend from northwestern called the producer and then the producer called me and offered
07:34you the audition and i said okay that's great okay well what's it for well it's a sexy new nighttime
07:44drama set in a mountain resort it's called deep powder it's baywatch on skis and it's the dumbest
07:55script i ever read it's gonna be huge all right yeah i'm gonna have my assistant fax you the audition
08:03scene as soon as i get off the phone great bobby thanks a lot bye-bye what was that about i got a huge
08:10audition for tomorrow that's great for what it's a sexy nighttime drama set at a ski resort that sounds
08:17fantastic oh my god it's not on against jag is it oh well i don't know when it's gonna be on but this
08:24is definitely a part i can get yeah and it's all because i told that guy i went to northwestern
08:30lion is awesome i can't wait to see the script bobby's gonna fax it over right now
08:36hello stop calling here damn it every time i'm expecting an important fax this jerk prank calls me
08:45what does he say nothing he just makes this annoying sound
08:48did you go to northwestern why yes i did well i graduated from purdue three years ago
09:09so we're rival schools oh yeah i hate you
09:17uh joy tribiani katie harper yeah listen i got this audition now but
09:25maybe we get together sometime and get to the bottom of this rivalry
09:29maybe we can yeah well hey you should give me a call sometime
09:34give your number on a card i do this a lot but also you are very special
09:42hi i'm uh joey tribiani i'm here to audition for the role of langdon powder the sexy young
09:52snowboarder with the secret fast and i don't want to tell you to cancel the rest of your session but
09:56i was born to play this role you are not reading for langdon huh you're reading for langdon's dad
10:04langdon's dad but i'm young and sexy i'm not some old gray-haired guy in a dumb-looking sweater
10:14hey how you doing buddy good luck on the audition
10:17hey hey how did the audition go i did the stupidest thing i've ever done
10:32come on honey now we both know that is not true
10:35did they find out you didn't go to northwestern no no no it's not that i spent all this time
10:42preparing for the wrong role you know and they wouldn't even let me audition and i would have
10:46been so great at it if thrashing's a crime yo lock me up because i don't want to live in a world
10:51where i can't thrash to the extreme
10:54that is great i know so did you end up auditioning for the right part no it was for the father
11:02i'm not old enough to play the father of a teenager i had a teenager when i was your age
11:07yeah but that's different how
11:08look i don't have time to pretend your life is okay i have a problem
11:13joey they called you in i mean you should just audition for the dad
11:20yeah but i don't know if i can pull it off i have all these heavy scenes with my kids in the
11:25show i don't know how to do that look i know this isn't the kind of role you're used to doing
11:29but you can't just give up because you're afraid to fail and i don't think you're gonna fail
11:33really i hate doing this stuff to your face are you gonna make me compliment you
11:40i need it turn around
11:42i have seen everything you have done and you are a great actor
11:48and on top of that i know that you can play your dad because i've seen the way you are with
11:52michael and you're like a father to him
11:55aww
11:58thanks gina
12:02come here give me a hug
12:04god you're such a girl
12:07i've been meaning to make a contribution but it keeps slipping my mind
12:18well yes of course i treasure my northwestern experience
12:23and i treasure mine
12:25now if you're willing to pledge a thousand dollars
12:29joey what are you doing
12:30oh excuse me one second
12:32ma'am can i call you back in a few minutes i'm not able to speak freely
12:37it's me
12:38if you can hear this wave your hand
12:42why are you calling me from my alumni association
12:48i didn't know it was you the sheet says alexis garrett
12:51that's my full name
12:53joey why are you pretending like you went to northwestern
12:59because your friend steve thought i went there and he got me an audition
13:03now he's asking me to do all this alumni stuff i can't say no
13:07but you're lying
13:08alex
13:10isn't doing whatever it takes to achieve your dreams what northwestern's all about
13:15no
13:17then what is it about i have to give a speech at the next alumni dinner
13:27hey hey howie
13:29what are you doing oh i got a big audition later so i'm just going over my lines
13:33can i help i have acting experience i was one of the honeycomb kids
13:40sure okay you have the first line
13:47did you have any lines in those honeycomb commercials no i did not
13:56mike listen uh i'm leaving for my audition in a few minutes will you run through the lines with
14:01me sure yeah what's the scene about uh well i'm being overprotective of my daughter because
14:07her mother died in an avalanche that i may or may not have caused yeah there's a great speech
14:13about it later where i curse the elements damn you mountain bring her back
14:20so i'm the daughter all right do i have to read it with like a high girly voice no may i no okay
14:28all right so i can do it now i want another shot that's okay michael's already doing it can
14:36i be his understudy sure great hi daddy how are you doing is something the matter why won't you
14:47let me go to haley's sleepover party because there's a blizzard coming you could get snowed
14:52in you don't have to worry about me so much look at me i'm a big girl now i can see that
14:59i bet your friends think it's pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight oh
15:07if i had functional tear ducts i'd be crying right now
15:12really was i good actually i got a very strong dad vibe from you thanks michael i got a strong
15:18little girl vibe from you all right thanks you guys i'm gonna go get this part i still gotta go pick
15:25up your mom she's coming with me for moral support oh yeah all right wish me luck
15:33hi my name is thomas wheeler i'm here for my northwestern alumni interview
15:40the producer i met at alex has asked me to interview this kid as a personal favor i
15:44completely forgot how are we gonna get out of this
15:55hey sorry about that uh come on in oh thank you sir i brought a copy of my high school transcript as
16:01well as a letter of recommendation from yeah i'm kind of in a time crutch here but you seem like a
16:06fine young man i'm giving you my full recommendation what about all my questions what about the english
16:11department is there a strong pre-law program our college isn't all about academics thomas so why
16:18don't you hang out here and have a good time that's kind of our motto at northwestern oh i thought it
16:24was okay okay you go over your lines i will take care of the competition
16:41oh you're in for the role of dad yeah you like jaeger
16:52hey katie hey joey it's good to see you again yeah i was thinking about you there's a northwestern
16:58purdue game on this side you want to come over you read my mind you like football no neither do i
17:07okay okay i'll uh i'll talk to you after my audition
17:15okay thanks for your patience everyone we're gonna start reading now
17:19oh ma'am i'm sorry but we're not reading for the part of angry prostitute till tomorrow
17:26oh i'm not an actress but thank you
17:28okay uh joey we're ready for you now and i'd like to introduce you to katie harper you're
17:36gonna be reading with her oh uh i thought the scene was with me and my daughter that's right
17:42we cast her in the part we're gonna see if you two have chemistry
17:45i think we might
17:56you can do this she's your daughter
18:01and you're going to jail whenever you're ready hi daddy how you doing
18:09i mean how are you doing is everything all right why won't you let me go to hayley's sleepover party
18:17because there's a blizzard coming you could get snowed in you don't have to worry about me so much
18:23anymore i mean look at me i'm a big girl now i can see that
18:29i i bet your friends think it's pretty lame that your old man wants to hold on to you so tight
18:44yeah i like it when you do that well you're my special little girl
18:51i love you daddy and i love you too now come give daddy a kiss okay thank you
19:04please never have a daughter
19:11you gotta go terrible why does my daughter have to be so hot i told you i couldn't play it dad come
19:17on no no no no you go back in there and try it again i can't i am too turned on by that girl
19:23joey you are an actor act but i can't stop thinking about sex you want to stop thinking about sex
19:34what the hell are you doing that's disgusting you're my sister and that is your daughter that
19:39is even worse now you go back in there and you ask if you can try again whoa okay yeah you're right
19:44thanks hey hey how'd it go no joey sucked the first time but then i uh your mother helped me in a
19:55totally normal way so i feel like it went pretty well right wait a minute what's that look on your
20:03face you know something what's the best news i could give you uh they fixed a vending machine oh
20:11we got a ping pong table oh no cool and the gang got back together okay i'm gonna have to try this
20:20a different way uh you were langdon powder's dad who you got the part i got the i got the part i did
20:31it hey i did it congratulations congratulations oh joey i'm so proud of you okay but that's the last
20:40one
20:49hey joey hey steve how'd that audition go oh great hey thanks so much for setting that up i got the part
20:55all right all right go wildcats yeah but not purdue we hate them yeah wait a minute i'm here with your
21:02buddy lance hey you gotta see who this is huh hey it's me lance beckman joey i was in your wedding no you
21:15weren't okay look steve i have something i have to tell you this man is not lance beckman
21:28you
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