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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hang on, Lizzie.
00:04I can't walk. It's too hard.
00:06Then I'll carry you off this mountain.
00:09I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.
00:13Cut.
00:16Man, how happy is that kid?
00:18Has she got weights in her pockets?
00:20We'll finish this after lunch, people.
00:21Okay, have a nice lunch.
00:23Maybe just a salad.
00:25Hey, Joey.
00:26Bobby. Hey.
00:28Hey, everyone. This is my agent, Bobby.
00:30Hello, everyone.
00:31I just watched your last scene.
00:34Wow. You're all so lucky to have work.
00:40So, what do you think? You excited to do it?
00:43What are you talking about?
00:44Did I not tell you?
00:45I'm a little off.
00:47I was at the gate looking through my purse, through my wallet,
00:50and I accidentally tasered myself.
00:55So, what's the news?
00:56Well, the Tonight Show had a cancellation for tomorrow.
01:00And they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in.
01:03I suggested you, and they said yes.
01:06You're kidding.
01:06I'm as stunned as you are.
01:09I'm going to be on the Tonight Show?
01:11Oh, my God.
01:13This is unbelievable.
01:14This is like one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life.
01:17The only thing bigger than this would be, I don't know,
01:19like making my Oscar speech.
01:20Oscar, did you get tasered too?
01:25Come on.
01:32Come on.
01:33Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:36Everything's gonna be alright.
01:37Right, child, I talk, right, child, I talk, right, child, I write, child, you wanna be alright, you gotta walk, talk.
01:42Come on.
01:43Come on.
01:43It's four in the morning. Shouldn't you be in bed? Tomorrow's your big day.
02:08I can't sleep. I'm too nervous. Don't bother. I ate it. Hey, you don't feel like watching it again, do you? Sure. Tune in tomorrow night. My guests will be Colin Farrell, Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani, and musical guest Maroon 5. It's a good show. Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name? I bet you he can't sleep either. I still can't believe it. Tomorrow night, I am going to be sitting on that couch. Is it lame that I'm this nervous?
02:38No. No, this is huge. But Joey, you're going to be great. Thanks. Yeah. It's just, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on The Tonight Show. You know, Johnny Carson would introduce me, and I'd come out, and he'd say, how you doing, Joey? And I'd say, just great, Johnny. And now that day is finally here. And I'm so scared, because...
03:08I spoke to Mom. Everyone's so excited. They're all going to watch you over at Mary Angelus, except for Mary Teresa, who has to be home to watch Nightline. That bitch with her current events.
03:18Yes. People in the building are excited, too. Oh, really? Yeah, well, it's a solid two hours. They know you won't be in the hot tub.
03:27Got your suit. Oh, great. Thanks. Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket?
03:32Oh, my God. To find a number, I thought I'd lost forever. It's like the beginning of a great romantic movie. Oh, her? No.
03:41So, do you have your stories prepared yet?
03:43Uh, well, yeah. I got a few choices. Hey, tell me what you guys think. Um, it was a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch.
03:50You love it.
03:51So, I meet this girl at a party, and because I'm a little drunk, and she's wearing a Catwoman mask, I just assume that she's pretty.
03:59Stop. Ew.
04:00Wait a minute. I didn't even get to the funny part yet. So, turns out she was only 17. Okay, sure.
04:07Uh, maybe a different story.
04:09Um, oh, okay. Well, I know a joke. This old French whore walks into a bar.
04:13Yeah, I don't think she does.
04:14No, no. No, not on The Tonight Show.
04:17Joey, you gotta have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories.
04:20Oh. Like a heartwarming family story?
04:23Exactly.
04:24Okay. Oh, here's something. Uh, one of my sisters breastfed her kid until he was seven.
04:31So, what happened to this French whore?
04:39Jay. Jay. Jay.
04:42Hi, Jay. I'm Joey. Johnny. Oh.
04:47I got it.
04:48Well, I think that's as close as I'm gonna guess.
04:51I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do when I get there.
04:53Should I breakdance?
04:54No.
04:55Bird calls?
04:56No.
04:56An impersonation of Jay?
04:58Really? Definitely no.
05:00Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?
05:02There's a lot of traffic.
05:04Well, I can't be late. I go on in an hour.
05:06There should be a Tonight Show Lane.
05:09Fuck.
05:09Hey, that guy in the red truck just cut you off. Pull up next to him and give him the finger.
05:14Oh, my God.
05:15Because it's stupid.
05:17You know, I don't insult the things that you do.
05:21Now, come on. Flip him off.
05:23Mom, no. I've never given anyone the finger in my life.
05:25Never?
05:26That's the Tribbiani handshake.
05:28Look, you're never gonna see him again. Just do it.
05:33What, are you scared?
05:33No, I...
05:34Are you a baby? Are you a big baby?
05:38You are the best mom ever.
05:41Michael, just do it. Otherwise, she's never gonna leave you alone.
05:43Okay, okay.
05:47You happy now?
05:49How'd it feel?
05:49Pretty good.
05:51Can you believe this?
05:53Michael gave a guy the finger and you're gonna be on the Tonight Show.
05:56Let us remember this day.
05:58Huh.
06:00Uh-oh.
06:02We're slowing down.
06:03What's the big deal?
06:04Look, you said I'd never see this guy again. Now we're stopping right next to each other.
06:11Oh, great. We can take it to the next level. Swearing. Gina?
06:16Hmm.
06:17Oh, I got it.
06:18No, Mom. No, no, no.
06:20Just...
06:21We're not moving.
06:22Is he still right next to me?
06:24Pretty much.
06:25Oh, my God.
06:29The guy's staring at me.
06:30Well, sure, Michael. You gave him the finger.
06:34Look up ahead. People are getting out of their cars.
06:37Why are they getting out of their cars?
06:38Oh, my God. I can't be late.
06:41I'll find out what's going on. I'm good with people.
06:45Hey! What the hell?
06:50Hello?
06:51Joey. Oh, I'm so glad I caught you. There is a major traffic jam on the freeway. Do not take the 101.
06:59I'm already on the 101.
07:01Oh, you actors never listen.
07:06Just get your ass over here.
07:08You were not going to believe it.
07:12What?
07:12I just met the hottest guy.
07:16Oh, dirty hair. Great arms. Drives in El Camino.
07:22Gina, what about the traffic?
07:24Oh.
07:25Well, a truck jackknifed, flipped over, spilled stuff everywhere.
07:29The driver's okay, but I bet he's so fired.
07:33So what does this mean?
07:34Well, they closed all five lanes so they could clean it up.
07:36It's going to be about an hour.
07:39An hour?
07:41I can't wait that long.
07:43All right, I'm going to have to run for it.
07:44How far away are we?
07:45Nine miles.
07:46Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes.
07:49Can I do that?
07:50Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?
07:55I don't know what that means.
07:58All right, I'm going to give it a shot.
08:05Aggravated, an old injury.
08:06What, football?
08:07No, no, a threesome.
08:08All right, I'm never going to make it there on foot.
08:12I'm going to call Bobby and see what my options are.
08:16Oh, hello?
08:21Bobby?
08:22Is that you?
08:22I just tasered myself again.
08:25I think on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.
08:31Look, I need you to find out what The Tonight Show does if someone's late.
08:34Oh, I am so on it.
08:36Oh, I am so on it.
08:37Hold on.
08:42Mom, what are you doing?
08:43I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the finger to.
08:46I tell him to smile, I tell him to smile, but I don't think that's happening.
08:50Huh?
08:50Huh?
08:51Huh?
08:52What?
08:52His license plate says judo man.
08:54Huh?
08:55What?
08:56His license plate says judo man.
08:58he's not that big he can't be judo man
09:03that's judo man
09:09yeah i talked to the producers and it turns out if you're late they give away your spot and you're
09:19banned from the show for life that's terrible isn't there anything else you can do do you have
09:25any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there
09:29okay i have to get there now otherwise i'm never gonna be on the tonight show
09:42i got 40 minutes all right let's brainstorm what are some ways i can get the hell out of here
09:47i know it's crazy maybe we can get one of these news helicopters to come down and pick you up
09:52that's great okay we just gotta get their attention uh oh let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies
09:57to spell out joey tribiani needs to get to the tonight show fast i'll be the jay what
10:02this is ridiculous well you got any other ideas that hot guy in the el camino seemed to have a
10:08good head on his shoulders maybe i'll just check in with him how is that going to help me get to
10:12the tonight show okay look it's he asked me to stop by and hang out if i had some time i'm sorry
10:18you have a date and a traffic jam don't put so much pressure on it
10:23not that this isn't a great idea in every other way but aren't you dating joey's assistant
10:28look glenn's great but there's no ring on this finger
10:31oh oh that's hilarious they think i'm flipping him off
10:35put it down all right i'll be back
10:40stop staring at me they didn't even argue my mom when she walked away
10:48they're probably gay oh yeah they heard that
10:51this is a chinese black dragon
10:55oh and this means flower of chaos flower of chaos i've been called that
11:04that is so hot speaking of hot huh yeah i know it's got to be 90 today
11:12what are you gonna do nothing but sweat
11:16wow
11:18you like music sure what's your favorite band do you know white snake
11:25no way i just got the japanese release a slip of the tongue
11:29no way how is it i got it in my car
11:33don't go anywhere don't worry i won't this isn't the traffic that's right
11:41hey anything happen up there yet no they're still clear on the road
11:49nice car thanks
11:55you uh got air conditioning in there
11:59yeah what's that bottle of water
12:03uh-huh you want to come in for some
12:07well just for a little bit
12:11so did you get that lady to give you her horse
12:16no and the family in the minivan wouldn't loan me their big dog either
12:20that's it a motorcycle i just need to get a motorcycle that shouldn't be too hard i think that old lady in the acura is gonna be opening up a shop
12:31yeah that's funny you know who'd get a chuckle out of that judo man
12:35mr tanaka the government holds several documents with your signature implicating you and your company's misconduct
12:44hopefully that's the translator
12:48alex garrett
12:51you gotta get me a motorcycle
12:52it is not the translator
12:54no it's me joey look i'm stuck in traffic on the 101 and the only way i can get to the tonight show is with a motorcycle
13:01where am i supposed to get a motorcycle
13:02i don't know someone at your firm's gotta have one
13:05don't a lot of lawyers ride motorcycles on the weekends so their lives don't seem so empty and boring
13:09oh
13:11i gotta go
13:14okay i got a big problem
13:18do ya
13:18so
13:21this el camino guy is totally my type
13:24very sexy
13:25we have tons of stuff in common
13:26but then i met this other guy in a mercedes
13:28safe
13:30kind of boring
13:31but has leather seats softer than my skin
13:34i just don't know what to do
13:37they're both so great but so different
13:39i mean do i follow my heart or opt for security
13:41you think god ten minutes
13:43oh officer
13:45officer
13:46look i'm an actor
13:47and i'm supposed to be on the tonight show in
13:49a half an hour
13:50is any way you can give me a ride
13:52you're on the tonight show
13:53wait a second
13:54you're tony dancer
13:56yes i am
14:00i'll tell you what
14:02i'm going past her anyway
14:03i'll drop you off
14:04this is great
14:06thank you
14:06sir
14:07you got to get down from there
14:08just a second mr dancer
14:10hey please
14:10tony
14:11oh my god i think it's gonna work
14:16officer bradley
14:17we have a 10-12
14:18oh my god
14:20that's a woman going into labor
14:21how do you know that
14:22i was a 10-12 on my way to the prom
14:24officer bradley proceed immediately to the blue station wagon at the 20-mile marker
14:30oh my god
14:31if he goes to help that woman deliver the baby i'll never make it to the tonight show
14:35he doesn't have to know
14:38no i gotta tell him
14:41she'll be fine
14:42women have been having babies on freeways for thousands of years
14:45that's a good point
14:47ready to roll
14:49i can't do this
14:52look officer
14:53there's a 10-12 at the 20-mile marker
14:55a blue station wagon
14:56oh my god
14:57a 10-12
14:58i gotta go
14:59before i do
15:00give me one of your trademark catchphrases
15:02ugh
15:04hey angela
15:06i'm your nanny now
15:07or whatever
15:08i don't want to alarm you
15:20but judo man is now kissing his muscles
15:22and wrapping his hands in tape
15:24hello
15:29jerry
15:30it's 10 minutes before you're supposed to go on
15:32can you get here
15:34i'm trying
15:35i'm trying
15:36i need to know now
15:38because if you can't make it
15:40they're gonna send out the guy from the zoo with his snake
15:43oh man
15:45i'm not gonna be on the show
15:46and i'm missing the snake
15:48look
15:51i'm gonna have to tell him you can't make it
15:54i'm sorry honey
15:56yeah
15:57all right
15:58i guess you should
15:59i could have found a bike
16:02but how do you feel about a motorized wheel chick
16:04it's too late
16:07bobby's giving away my spot
16:09it's
16:09it's not gonna happen
16:11oh i'm sorry
16:12hey you wanna come with me with a mercedes
16:15you can collect yourself on the softest leather you ever felt
16:18i'd like that very much
16:21all right
16:26i can't take this anymore
16:28michael what are you doing
16:30these guys have been staring at me for like an hour
16:31and you know what
16:32the anticipation
16:33it's gotta be worse than anything they can actually do to me
16:36so
16:36michael have you ever been hit in the face
16:38it's not great
16:39you know what
16:40i don't care
16:40i just gotta get this over with
16:41so come on judo men
16:43yeah
16:43come on
16:44practice your dark arts on me
16:46what if they're standing
16:49they're not big at all
16:50no no
16:51they're just crouched in some kind of attack stance
16:53all right
16:54let's just get this over with
16:56just do what you have to do
16:57oh we will
16:59uh what are you doing
17:06we never perform judo without stretching properly
17:08this should only take about 30 minutes
17:12this will my end
17:15well there you are
17:17i thought you were gonna bring me back the white snake tape
17:19gina
17:20come back to the car
17:21i personalized the lumbar settings on the passenger seat for you
17:24wait
17:26you were in his car too
17:27you were in two cars
17:28that we know of
17:30hey
17:30i don't like what you're implying
17:32yeah
17:35right there judo man
17:36hey
17:37what do you know
17:38the little one is judo man
17:39what are you calling little
17:42hey don't be mad at me
17:43she is the one who told him to give you the finger
17:45oh did she
17:46back off buddy
17:47she's with me
17:48i don't think she is
17:49would somebody please just punch me in the face
17:52enough
17:54none of these are problems
17:56i'm the only one of us with a problem okay
17:59i'm supposed to be grooving out to maroon 5 with colin farrell right now
18:02instead of snake is doing it
18:04okay so everybody just calm down
18:07all right
18:08you got it
18:08tattoo guy
18:09huh
18:10mercedes guy
18:11huh
18:12judo man
18:13guy who was sitting in the back of judo man's truck for no apparent reason
18:16i was watching a dvd
18:20you got a dvd in there
18:23i can't believe i found you
18:30alex
18:32you wanted a motorcycle i got you a motorcycle
18:35you call this a motorcycle
18:37do you know what i had to go through to get you this
18:41i had to borrow it from the cleaning lady at our office who hates me even though i have been nothing but nice to her
18:47on the way here
18:49on the way here i have been yelled at sworn at hawked at and i lost my shoe
18:55but if that's not a motorcycle for you then i guess i can't believe it's great it's great it's great i love it i love it
19:00yeah you're damn right you do
19:01okay
19:02all right here call bobby and tell her i'm on my way
19:06wait the helmet
19:07no i'm not wearing that
19:08safety bar
19:09okay okay okay
19:10all right wish me luck
19:12joey
19:13i love you
19:14i love you
19:22i love you
19:34i love you
19:39Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joey Tribbiani.
20:09Joey, you look great.
20:26So how long do you hug him for?
20:30Oh, it goes on for quite a while.
20:33In about a minute, Colin Farrell comes out to try to peel me off him.
20:37But you were on The Tonight Show.
20:39Yeah, I was on The Tonight Show.
20:41Oh, oh, see right there where Jay kind of shakes his head at me?
20:44Is that where you call him Johnny?
20:45That is where.
20:47I was on.
20:49Yeah, I'm so glad.
20:51Yeah, it goes on.
20:54Okay.
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