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Short filmTranscript
00:00hey oh well look who's here an hour and a half late i'm so sorry bobby what's gotten into you
00:11you're late all the time last night you missed the benefit with the lingerie models
00:15well did they raise a lot of money will those girls get the help they need
00:19you are very erratic lately are you doing some new designer drug that you might have on your
00:26person no no it's just i've i've been working so much that i'm having a hard time keeping track of
00:33things well you need to find a personal assistant you think that'd help oh sure they'll run errands
00:40for you they organize your personal life plus they do tricks watch this jason could you be a doll and
00:49come in here with a cup balanced on your head
00:52jason say hi to joey tribiotti hello i have a master's degree
01:02thanks dear that's all for now back in the box
01:07all right i'm gonna do it i'm gonna get an assistant uh any advice
01:11well you need to find someone who's a good fit for you
01:14i mean personally i'm always pro-gay they smell good and they got those quick little fingers
01:20bobby i want to remind you we have a four o'clock departmental meeting
01:25thank you jason now do the robot for joey
01:28that is just what i need
01:39you want to be all right
01:54what you got there oh uh resumes yeah i need a personal assistant now that i'm a busy celebrity
02:23a guy recognized me on the street yesterday a homeless guy asked if he were jesus
02:27he knew who i was
02:31hey hey what's wrong i just got into a big fight with my so-called friend seth
02:42wait a minute nerds fight each other don't you get enough grief from normal people
02:45no we we invented a new material for the heat shields and rockets now seth is filing a patent and
02:53he wants to try to take all the credit himself why would he do that it's a scientific breakthrough
02:58there's a lot at stake here money fame a very specific kind of woman
03:02you know i can help you sort that out i mean i am a lawyer
03:06oh sue him i haven't been in a lawsuit since that dog biting thing
03:09whoa whoa whoa a dog bit you
03:11no no she bit the dog
03:13hey i choose who humps me not the other way around
03:17um actually i'm not talking about a lawsuit here
03:20i'm just talking about a mediation
03:21um i'll set up a meeting with seth and all you have to do is show up
03:24i don't know if that's going to solve anything but it's worth a shot
03:27okay thanks
03:29sure
03:29all right who wants to go through this pile of resumes with me and help me find an assistant
03:33oh what are you wasting your time with these idiots for hire me
03:38okay if you really want to do it
03:41i don't like the way you just said that i quit
03:43well i knew i couldn't keep you here forever good luck to you
03:47wow travis your resume is impressive let me throw a scenario at you
03:55i send you to the video store which die hard movie do you bring back
03:59uh the first one
04:01i'm sorry the correct answer was all three thanks for stopping by
04:04let me be your assistant
04:09don't you already have a job
04:13i'm senior vice president of the third largest bank in california
04:16but it's a dead-end job
04:20hi i'm here for the assistant position i'm glenn
04:27oh joey
04:28glenn nice name
04:29oh what's yours
04:32howard j peckerman
04:34come on in glenn
04:39all right let you tell me a little about yourself
04:43uh well i moved out here five years ago started doing this and loved it
04:48oh where are you from minnesota wow your english is great
04:51uh what kind of car do you drive
04:56oh a pickup truck
04:57if i hire you may i ride around in the back like a dog
04:59sure you're the boss
05:02excellent
05:03okay next question
05:05it's two in the morning
05:06i'm hungry
05:07what do you get me and why
05:09hmm
05:10i'm gonna have to go with pizza
05:12because you can eat it directly off your stomach without utensils while still lying in bed
05:17i gotta be honest with you glenn you're blowing me away here
05:27all right let's get down to the serious stuff
05:31who would win in a fight between dracula and the wolfman
05:34definitely the wolfman
05:36what
05:37no way how
05:38because he'd fight dracula to a draw until dawn
05:41and then and then dracula would turn to dust
05:44and and the wolfman would just turn into a normal dude
05:46i never thought of it like that that changes everything
05:49joey where were you
05:53you were supposed to help me clean up my garage a half an hour ago
05:56oh uh look gina i'm sorry i uh uh
06:00hi i'm glenn and uh this is all my thought i was late for my interview and joey was just
06:06telling me that he was supposed to be helping you i'm really really sorry
06:09yeah thanks a lot glenn you made me miss cleaning out her garage
06:12why didn't you just call
06:15uh i
06:17he couldn't call because he was stuck on the phone with me
06:20he had to give me directions i got i got lost
06:23i'm such an idiot
06:24hmm yeah stupid stupid glenn
06:29this neighborhood can be confusing
06:30i'm sorry i snapped at you joey
06:32i'm gonna go make dinner
06:33okay
06:36you want the job
06:37when do we start i think you already did
06:44hey hey
06:45what boss
06:46hey
06:46it's a late shoot last night but you were great
06:49oh thanks yeah it was nice having you there
06:51and thanks for running lines with me and getting me water
06:53and dealing with that crazy fan
06:55yeah did she find your dressing room okay yes she did
06:57yeah okay so listen i have these contracts for you to sign and here is your schedule for today
07:04oh and uh some girl amelia called
07:07ooh do you want me to break out with her but still leave an opening so you guys can sleep together
07:12you just got yourself employee of the month
07:16hey
07:19hey
07:19hey
07:20hey
07:20just dropping off michael's pants he asked me to hem them for him
07:24oh that's a that's a good looking hem
07:26thanks for noticing
07:27i swear if i didn't take care of this stuff i need to walk out of this place naked
07:30this one got marker all over the wall yesterday
07:37now your sister's beautiful
07:40is she single
07:41oh
07:44my trusty valet is interested in the lady of the manor
07:49you think i have a chance uh yeah
07:51hey gina listen um i think you're a really interesting woman
08:00you're working way too hard there glenn
08:03you want to go out with this guy
08:04i don't know i don't know that much about him
08:06let me ask you a few questions what kind of car do you drive a pickup truck
08:10oh can we drive around and have joey in the back like a dog
08:14i've already agreed to that okay will you take me to a nice restaurant
08:19what constitutes a nice restaurant ketchup in a bottle all the crackers i want
08:24do you need a salad bar i am not the queen of england
08:28yeah your own place all right pick me up at seven
08:34oh you and gina all right well let me tell you something that is my sister
08:40okay if you do anything to upset her you're gonna get the beating of a lifetime
08:45and then she's gonna come after me
08:49oh hello again mr tobin thanks very much for coming can we make this quick every minute i am
08:58not conducting research is a crushing blow to science i really don't understand why you had
09:04to bring a lawyer into this actually i'm here as an impartial mediator not as either party's
09:09attorney but you are an attorney so i was correct michael did bring a lawyer into this qed which law
09:14school by the way pepper dine in that case i should explain q e d is a term all right let's just start
09:21the mediation first of all i would like you each to state your claim to the material in question but
09:26why don't i go first and then michael can just steal what i say oh that's uh that's tough talk coming
09:31from the guy who thought that impregnating a ceramic with aerosolized metal would increase porousness
09:35without losing strength let's not get personal here you know what he's right the point of mediation is to
09:43resolve the dispute in a calm and peaceful way which we'd have a chance of doing if we had a real
09:48lawyer i am a real lawyer mr tobin oh is ali mcbeal getting a little flustered you know what forget
09:55the mediation fine i suggest you get a lawyer because you're gonna need one that guy has got to be a
10:02virgin careful sorry hey glenn where have you been i know i'm sorry gina kept me out late again last
10:17night but listen i am here now i'm all yours okay all right you got my schedule my phone list
10:24oh no no no i left them over gina's glenn hero to zero
10:33hey you left these papers i thought you might need them oh good my schedule great
10:41no no no glenn this doesn't make any sense you got me bathing every day
10:46what are you trying to do dissolve me you know i'll i'll revise it hey will you get me a glass of
10:55water it's all the way in the kitchen won't you miss me i will but i'll be liking the view
11:04oh joey do you want something to drink yes banana milkshake please
11:06i gotta say i am not loving your effect on glenn i can't help it i'm intoxicating many
11:15men have been unable to do their jobs after dating me oh how sad for the people who wanted
11:19to buy drugs from them i can't believe this he was the perfect assistant a few dates with you and
11:27he's broken this isn't gonna work look just because he's a little distracted i can't go out
11:33with him yeah he really helps me okay he does my errands he helps me memorize the script you know
11:38how much easier it is to act when you know your lines look i need glenn to be totally focused on my
11:44needs hey i had to make it with skim milk i hope you don't mind
11:58hey michael listen uh we need to have some kind of proof that you and seth came up with this
12:03idea together so i need you to remember everything about that day no detail is too small okay all
12:08right we were sitting at the kitchen table talking about thermal setting polymers seth insisted on
12:15keeping all the notes on his precious laptop it's hard to remember the details because joey kept
12:19throwing stuff at us and calling us nerds yeah i threw some pretty hard stuff at you guys wait joey was
12:27here we have an eyewitness you're right joey do you remember anything seth and i said oh i remember
12:33everything actors are trained to observe great okay take us through everything you saw okay um i was
12:41sitting right here watching a rerun of the a-team uh you guys were over there talking and then michael said
12:47blah blah blah science stuff and then mr t said i ain't getting on no plane and then uh and then
12:56michael said blah blah blah and then seth said i pity the fool and that oh wait that might have been mr
13:01t all right so the fact that you were here is useless no not exactly uh seth will remember that
13:07joey was here right oh i think so i beamed him like right here with a battery okay but seth doesn't know
13:14that you don't remember anything so we'll bluff and say that you do all you have to do is stand
13:18there and look thoughtful okay i just need to think of something to give me that serious face what's seven
13:24times nine perfect joey tribbiani's phone and what may i say this is regarding
13:44i can't remember hello no i don't know what time i'm supposed to be there
13:55well i don't have my regular assistant and the temp i got isn't working out
14:01let me call my assistant i'll call you back okay
14:04i can't believe it glenn turned his cell phone off i'll kill him for you
14:14he's over a genius i bet she had him turn it off this is ridiculous i'm going over there
14:19bet they'll be surprised to see us dropping you off at the bank i hate it there
14:22glenn publicity called to set up an interview i need my schedule oh i'll go get it no you are on
14:34a date well i need it he's not your slave glenn tell her she's wrong joey why didn't you call me
14:42about this earlier well i tried to but your cell phone's off what i didn't turn it off let's see how
14:47that could have gina you can't take an assistant cell phone that's like like taking a scalpel away
14:55from a surgeon except surgeons don't have to help my brother build forts
15:03okay you know what um i think i'm in the middle of some weird family stuff i'm just gonna go get the
15:10schedule good thanks a lot joey now i'm gonna have to watch sister act by myself
15:20you are unbelievable i told you how much glenn means to me well i like him too you don't like him
15:26you just want to be with him because i told you not to you'll be tired of him in a week maybe i
15:30won't be tired of him what does that mean it means that i might maybe kind of really like him
15:36yeah glenn is different you know when we went to the video store he held the door open for me
15:44for you i know you know and between you and me i don't think he was that into sister act but he
15:50let me choose and he didn't even glance at the porn section which i happen to find very respectful
15:56oh he's a good guy i'm not used to that feels kind of nice
16:08okay you know what you can have him oh but you need him too no well it's about time you had a healthy
16:16relationship oh like you're one to talk i am oh yeah how's your wife by the way uh sadly my wife
16:23has not been born yet all we're asking seth to do is sign this affidavit that says they both worked
16:33on the project and why would we sign this because someone was present when michael and seth together
16:39invented the material in question a secret eyewitness joey tribiani
16:50joey tribiani
16:56i'm sorry what we say my cue was just come out now
17:00so i suggest you sign the affidavit right now before we sign we'd like to hear what your witness
17:09has to say and why is that necessary because he might be bluffing
17:13i don't think so please okay joey why don't you prove to these people beyond a shadow of a doubt
17:27that we are not bluffing michael let's hold hands
17:33uh yes i remember the day very well especially the science stuff
17:39a lot of numbers were used 6 12 14 all the usual suspects
17:47you know what he doesn't remember anything he probably went to pepperdine oh hold on there buddy
17:52i may not be the smartest guy you'll ever meet but i didn't go to pepperdine
17:57i think we've heard enough well this is just great
18:04hey hey wait a second you guys i just thought of something what what is it the theme song to the a
18:07team no no watch this well i'll tell you what i do remember michael and seth were stuck on
18:14something so they got up to take a walk i looked over at seth's computer hoping to find a video game
18:20instead i started opening files and found something much more naughty
18:27touched my computer what did you find something erotic some might say deviant should i just tell
18:34everyone or should i write it down so it can be entered in the permanent record no okay i'll sign
18:38you win really don't you want to hear what he has to say no i remember now michael and i invented it
18:42together it's fine
18:47what did you find on his computer nothing i was i was bluffing but i really want to see it now
18:54bluffing that was brilliant how did you know that would work well please every guy has a disgusting
18:59folder on his computer there's nothing disgusting on my computer oh really why don't you check a file
19:03called joey's tax stuff
19:12uh look it's it's been a little awkward having to share you with gina but i think i've worked
19:17something out that's in everyone's best interest i'm letting you go that's in my best interest
19:24and i have a job hey i just lost my assistant let's not play the who's got it worse game
19:32wait this this is crazy i can do both we can work out some guidelines if you two could just be
19:37reasonable that's never gonna happen
19:45come on i'm serious all right as long as we're clear about what everyone expects
19:49this doesn't have to be a problem well i guess we could talk about a way to share him well obviously
19:56i'd get him during the week that's fine if i can get him nights and weekends well what about the
20:00holidays um you get him thanksgiving i get him christmas actually i have a family glenn please
20:08oh and another thing when you guys are over here no kissing and when we're out no prank calling him i
20:13don't know what you're talking about but i will pass it along to senior fartez
20:20well it seems like we got some guidelines yeah we can make this work well we should celebrate hey
20:25glenn why don't you run down the store and get us some champagne actually it's it's uh past five o'clock
20:31so it's uh gina time oh glenn why don't you run down to the store and get us some champagne
20:43i'll make yours do it bobby first of all his name is glenn second i don't make my assistant do
20:55tricks it's not the kind of boss i am i don't just think of him as an employee i think of him as a
21:00friend thanks joey even though the robot is a fun dance and i do enjoy watching it especially when done
21:06skillfully
21:18well come on jason get in there
21:25now fight
21:27let's go
21:33let's go
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