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Short filmTranscript
00:00I can't believe I finally get to move in here tomorrow.
00:05This place is perfect for you.
00:07And look at this TV.
00:08It's huge.
00:09It's 71 inches.
00:10Porn is gonna be terrifying.
00:13I can't wait.
00:14Yeah, the house looks amazing.
00:16Oh, you haven't seen anything yet.
00:17Okay, let's say, let's say I bring a girl home and she's not quite sure she wants to
00:22sleep with me.
00:23I know, I know, it sounds crazy.
00:25Well, maybe some romantic lighting.
00:30Huh?
00:31And sexy music and a fire will change her mind.
00:39Are you holding my hand?
00:40No.
00:43Man, this is a powerful room.
00:46And if that doesn't work, well, then I just break out the big guns.
00:52Huh?
00:52My 2004 Aquafresh Best Smile Award.
00:55It was given out during a commercial break at the People's Choice Awards.
00:58Pretty good, huh?
01:00That has everything, including a way to avoid that awkward conversation with a girl the
01:05morning after.
01:06Check this out.
01:07Thank you for a wonderful night.
01:09Please proceed to the nearest exit and drive safely.
01:12Have a nice day.
01:13Thank you for the wonderful night.
01:16Please proceed to Selena.
01:18Come on.
01:23Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:25Everything's gonna be alright.
01:27You wanna be alright, alright, alright.
01:29You wanna be alright, you gotta watch on.
01:32Yeah.
01:33You wanna be alright, alright, alright.
01:34You wanna be alright, you gotta watch on.
01:37Hey.
01:39Oh, hey.
01:40Um, here's the new lease for Michael and his friends to sign.
01:43Are y'all ready for your big move?
01:46Pretty much, yeah.
01:47Hey, uh, listen, we really haven't talked about it, but where do things stand with you and
01:51Dean?
01:52We're figuring it out.
01:53I'm not really comfortable talking about it.
01:56Oh.
01:57Well, you know where I stand.
01:58Whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting.
02:01Really?
02:02You're not sleeping with other women?
02:09I'm not really comfortable talking about it.
02:14Hey.
02:14Hey.
02:15We just came by to get some towels and beer.
02:16Are you guys going up to use my swimming pool again?
02:18I told you I don't want you doing that.
02:20It's getting messed up.
02:21This is actually something I want to talk to everybody about.
02:23This new house is my new house, okay?
02:26You guys can come up there when you are invited, all right?
02:29It's not gonna be like it was here where everyone just comes and goes as they please, because
02:32you want to steal booze, or, or they told your house, or, or you got scared watching an
02:38episode of CSI.
02:39All of his victims look just like me.
02:41It was very scary.
02:42Oh, hey.
02:43Oh, hey, Jimmy.
02:44I've been meaning to ask you.
02:45Uh, do you want to go to the observatory with me?
02:47Why would I want to do that?
02:48Well, just because they have this great telescope there, maybe I could show you some of my favorite
02:53constellations.
02:54You know, I got to look in the mirror, because I feel like I'm giving you a dirty look, but
02:56you're still talking to me that way.
02:58Come on, Gina.
02:59I'll take you to work.
03:00I don't have work, Dad.
03:01It's a euphemism!
03:02Hey, Michael, I can't watch you get rejected by him anymore.
03:07You got to tell him he's your dad.
03:08I know.
03:09I'm waiting for the perfect time.
03:10There isn't going to be a perfect time.
03:11Just do it.
03:12Yeah, Michael, he's right.
03:13You know what?
03:14You are right.
03:15Okay.
03:16I'll go down to his work today and just tell him.
03:18Good for you.
03:19So, uh, what time are your movers coming?
03:21Movers?
03:22I don't need movers.
03:23I'll move my own stuff.
03:24Joey, this is a huge job.
03:26My roommates are going to be here in a few hours.
03:28Okay, relax.
03:29I got the boxes right here.
03:30I will take care of this, all right?
03:37Oh, my God, it's so boring.
03:38I got to get a moor.
03:40Why are you always assuming you can take no responsibility
03:43and everything will magically just work itself out?
03:46Hey, Joey, I noticed you weren't packed up,
03:48so I arranged to have someone do it for you.
03:50See ya!
03:52Well, that was nice, huh?
03:55Okay, I don't get everything I want.
03:57Like, right now, I'm wishing that...
03:59And I will bring you pizza.
04:06It's tough to learn when God loves me so much.
04:13Hey, thanks again for finding me movers, Howard.
04:15So, who are these people?
04:16Oh, this is my executive management team from the bank.
04:18Your stuff is being moved by four CPAs, six MBAs,
04:21and a guy with a PhD in economics
04:23who's not putting his back into it!
04:26Hey!
04:27Hey, Nathanson, come on!
04:28You move boxes worse than you manage private equity portfolios!
04:32Now pull your head out of your ass!
04:34I'm sorry, Mr. Peckerman.
04:36Oh, you disgust me!
04:38I can't wait to go swimming in your new pool!
04:41Well, I'm gonna do a cannonball and make a big splash!
04:44Bye!
04:45Bye!
04:48Hey, Jimmy, you're back from work early.
04:50Anything happen down there today?
04:52It was weird, actually.
04:53I had a pretty big bombshell dropped on me.
04:55You're not gonna believe this.
04:57Actually, I know.
05:00Really?
05:01Why didn't you tell me?
05:02I thought that was Michael's place to do that.
05:04I mean, he's your son.
05:05No, my boss told me I don't have dental.
05:07I just did this whole whitening thing.
05:08I got half of them wide.
05:09I got the other half.
05:10Michael's my what?
05:12Oh, my God.
05:13He was supposed to tell you!
05:14You're saying that...
05:15You're saying that...
05:16Michael is my son.
05:22That's impossible.
05:23Well, come on, Jimmy.
05:24You gotta admit, it makes sense.
05:26You know, you and Gina slept together 22 years ago.
05:28Huh?
05:29You and Michael are both really smart and intense.
05:32Huh?
05:33And Gina says it's you.
05:34Oh, come on, Joe.
05:35I mean, we both know Gina wasn't the most conservative lady in high school.
05:37I mean, she went through football players like she went through basketball players.
05:42Well, she seems pretty sure.
05:43Pretty sure?
05:44You're telling me I'm a kid's dad and you're pretty sure?
05:46No, no, no, no, no.
05:47I mean, this could change my life and his.
05:48I gotta be 100% sure.
05:49Okay, well, there are tests you could take.
05:52What?
05:53A paternity test.
05:54Yeah, I took one once.
05:55I guess a paternity test is a good idea.
05:57Yeah, okay.
05:58Well, we just need to get a little bit of DNA from bulkier.
06:00But let's get Michael's without him knowing.
06:02Because, you know, if he's my kid, I don't want him to think I'm freaked out about it, you know?
06:05Okay.
06:06Well, I guess we could try.
06:07Uh...
06:08Ooh.
06:09Maybe we can get him to drink from your milkshake.
06:10Yeah.
06:11Hey, Michael!
06:12Are you home?
06:13Yeah.
06:14Oh, hey, Jimmy.
06:15Hey, I didn't tell him.
06:16I didn't tell him either.
06:19Hey, Jimmy's got a milkshake that he's not drinking.
06:21You, uh, you want the first sip?
06:23Sure.
06:28So what have you guys been doing?
06:29Just drink the freaking milkshake!
06:32That's good.
06:33You like that?
06:34Yeah.
06:35Okay, thanks.
06:36You got out DNA, huh?
06:43Ugh.
06:52I feel like I did something wrong.
06:55Well, this is the last of your things.
07:02Well, thanks again, Howard.
07:03Hey, listen, I never had my stuff moved by bankers before.
07:06How much did I tip these guys?
07:08Well, Henderson got a $600,000 bonus last year.
07:10So what, like 20 bucks?
07:12Well, this is it.
07:13I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.
07:14This is really exciting.
07:15It feels like just yesterday you moved in here.
07:16I gotta say, I'm gonna really miss having you next door.
07:17I'm gonna miss living with you.
07:18Oh.
07:19These are the best two years of my life.
07:20The most recent two years of mine.
07:21Well, a lot of great memories in here, huh?
07:22But it's time to move on to bigger and better things.
07:23Goodbye.
07:24Bye.
07:25Bye.
07:26Bye.
07:27Bye.
07:28Bye.
07:29Bye.
07:30Bye.
07:31Bye.
07:32Bye.
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07:35Bye.
07:36Bye.
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07:38Bye.
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07:40Bye.
07:41Bye.
07:42Bye.
07:43Bye.
07:44Bye.
07:45Bye.
07:46Bye.
07:47Bye.
07:49Bye.
07:50Bye.
07:51Bye.
07:52Bye.
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07:54Bye.
07:55Bye.
07:56Bye.
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07:58Bye.
07:59Bye.
08:00Bye.
08:01Bye.
08:02Bye.
08:03Bye.
08:04Bye.
08:05Bye.
08:06Bye.
08:07Bye.
08:08Bye.
08:09Bye.
08:10Bye.
08:11Bye.
08:12Bye.
08:13Bye.
08:14Bye.
08:15Bye.
08:16Bye.
08:17Bye.
08:18Bye.
08:19Bye.
08:20Bye.
08:21loud huh i paid extra for that surround sound it's so clear it's like you're there it's amazing
08:28yeah hey check it out that's a yellow truck just like mine that salesman told me i had the only
08:34one in la hey check it out the dumb jackass park they're right in the middle of the fire trucks
08:39uh-oh the farmer's walking up to the window
08:42oh my god that's my truck that's my house my house is on fire
08:56hey i live in that house you gotta do something yeah we're doing our best we think we're gonna
09:01be able to contain it to the kitchen but that's where the food lives
09:05hey what are you doing back here my house caught fire what was anybody hurt no but the big tv is
09:17gone this is all that's left i was gonna burn it and scatter its ashes over a best buy he would
09:22have wanted it that way oh my god i mean how did it happen i don't know the fire department's gonna
09:28do an investigation i should know more tomorrow well well come on in thanks michael it's nice to
09:33know i got my own place to come back to
09:35what the red alert intruder on the bridge
09:42it's okay arthur he's with me uh these are my roommates this is arthur rajiv and you already
09:49know seth this is why you were excited to live here so you could play star wars all day
09:53yeah not star trek star wars right we all know the uss enterprise is prominently featured in star wars
10:01right this is true park and this is c3co aren't you like 40 i'll have you know i'm 36
10:11i'll be in my room uh joey wait look look you're welcome to stay here but your room is not your room
10:19anymore right now it's mine it's the captain's quarters every week we rotate command and a different
10:24one of us gets the room the only exception is if one of us brings a girl home then he gets the room
10:29you also have a plan if one of you finds a unicorn
10:35so where am i supposed to sleep
10:39what do you want arthur they say you've had sex tell me does it hurt
10:56poor joey look at this place does he know how it happened i don't know i guess he talked to the
11:07fire inspector this morning uh thank you all for coming on such short notice i have something very
11:13serious i need to discuss with you uh please be seated on the floor set
11:18i got the report from the fire inspector the fire started in the kitchen the cause of the fire
11:28human error and the human who made the error is in this room you think it was one of us
11:34you told us not to come here interesting interesting interesting
11:38alex interesting that you would say that when i know for a fact that you were up here i found a book
11:44in my living room how do you know that wasn't your book it's a book so alex started the fire not so
11:52fast chicken legs i talked to my construction guys who told me a skinny kid was up here recreating tom
12:00cruz's underwear dance from risky business did they say that the kid looked cool
12:07and you two i hold in my hand a personal check from zach to gina for five dollars the memo reads
12:17from secret poker game at joey's house don't cash that for a couple of weeks i can't believe this
12:26one of you better confess right now or i swear i can't hold it in any longer joey i started the fire
12:30howard i didn't even call you up here i was with you all day yesterday i know you didn't do it
12:35can i stay for this anyway it's the most fun i've ever had
12:37all right i'm gonna give you all a chance to come clean who did it
12:43wow you people are unbelievable you don't respect my space you break into my house and now one of
12:56you burned it down and you don't have the guts to admit it and you wonder why i'm excited to be
13:00moving out on my own it's because of stuff like this oh great my new roommate is texting me another
13:07sex question oh my god arthur that's not even close
13:13okay let's just get in there get the dna and get out without waking him up all right
13:24good so we're just like what cut off a piece of his hair or something right
13:26is there blood on there no
13:30hey joe after we get the hair you want to gut one of them
13:39oh god
13:43whoa don't panic i don't want to hurt you
13:52whoa joe what the hell what are you doing
13:53uh you're having a nightmare and you got to go back to school and there's a test only you haven't
13:59studied for it do i have a test i haven't studied i'll put on a pot of coffee
14:03oh god thanks for coming over i need to talk to you about something
14:11i don't speak klingon you freak
14:16i think he's on the phone with his parents that's hindi
14:21i don't care what made up language it is on earth we speak in english
14:25okay all right here i've got a message what's the matter
14:28oh god i did something terrible and i feel really really really guilty
14:32what is it
14:33remember when i backed up into your car and i claimed i saw a leprechaun do it
14:36yes
14:37i think that same leprechaun burned down joey's house
14:41gina
14:43it was an accident
14:45i was up at the house with jimmy and we had a bunch of candles
14:47and we were using the sex oil you know the kind that's highly flammable you can only get it in thailand
14:51what's it called
14:53i don't know
14:56anyway i must not have blown out all the candles and i didn't realize until joey said the fire started in the kitchen
15:01you have to tell him i know but i don't know how god this is so bad
15:06okay okay well sometimes when i have to deliver bad news first i'll say something worse to soften the blow
15:13like how well like one time i got a c on a test so i told my parents that i failed they flipped out
15:18but when they found out the truth they were so relieved that i didn't even really get in trouble
15:23huh okay
15:25hey so
15:27i just got more bad news about the house
15:29mom's dead
15:30what
15:36what
15:37yep funeral's tuesday what
15:40oh my god
15:42i can't believe this i gotta call dad oh you can't he killed her
15:51dad killed mom and the mailman
15:54gina stop that right now tell him the truth
15:59all right what i'm trying to tell you is i started the fire
16:04you started the fire oh joey i'm so sorry it was an accident we had all these candles and this
16:09massage oil from thailand you use sex furnace around candles
16:14gina it says right on the bottle you will not be using that flame
16:19i'm sorry i feel so bad
16:20i don't want to hear it my own sister breaks into my house and burns it down
16:24this is the worst thing that's happened to me since that leprechaun broke my stereo
16:37hey sorry i'm late oh by the way thanks a lot for burning my house down yeah no problem joe
16:45so you got the results yeah right here i haven't opened it yet i'm petrified man i mean this could
16:50change my whole life well we might find out yeah
16:58no i really am sorry about gina and the house and the whole thing you know what let's let's not
17:02worry about that right now come on stop stalling okay
17:07did you listen to al franken's radio show this morning i mean stuart small
17:10molly's gonna lecture me about immigration open the letter
17:26i'm the father
17:26oh hey i got you a cigar
17:33it's a boy what they didn't have it's a man
17:39hey hey hey congratulations he's a great kid yeah it's easy for you to say you know you're used
17:43to having people around who need you you know i'm not like that i hate people i mean you're like the
17:47best guy in the world and half the time i'm talking to you i want to put a bullet through my head
17:52hey guys hey hey uh do you need anything from the bar no no we're good okay i thought you might want
17:59to talk you asked him to meet us here i mean what if it turned out it wasn't my kid i mean what if it
18:03weren't true jimmy you're the only one who didn't know it was true wow that's my son
18:18so hitting your kids that's frowned upon these days
18:24hey michael how you doing you told him what how did you know because he's not yelling at me what i
18:31yell all the time yes you're a crazy person because you're creepy okay whoa whoa hey that is
18:35your son and that is your father
18:40let's start off
18:45michael you want to go to that observatory thing you were talking about
18:51yeah i'd like that all right let's go wow this is so cool i mean now i can ask you stuff about my
18:59family history that i always wanted to know like hey do the men in our family go bald no not a
19:03one yes because we're all dead by 40
19:12hey hey what happened to all the star trek stuff well i figured after what i did to you the least i
19:20could do is get you your place back so i talked to michael's friends and i got him to leave
19:23okay well that's a start but you still owe me i know i'm really sorry hey you two have fun together
19:37yeah it was nice actually you know i learned a lot about michael did you know he was straight
19:43wait what are you two doing hanging out together oh mom jimmy knows oh my god are you okay with this
19:49well at first i was worried not you yeah babe i'm all right you know uh it's a lot to take in
19:55though you know wait a second where are the guys i kicked him out you kicked my friends out like you
20:00don't treat my son that way your son you've known for like an hour because you never told me i could
20:06have been taking a tax deduction this whole time you need to make money to pay taxes hey can you just
20:13keep it down you're being really loud well what is this i thought gina got rid of all the nerds
20:16i am not one of the nerds hey they're not nerds okay arthur's moped helmet has a lightning bolt on it
20:24it's really late could you just try to be a little bit more quiet
20:27alex please this is a family thing shut up get lost we're yelling
20:35what are you smiling about nothing just if i moved i would have missed this keep fighting
20:42michael why is a clump of your hair missing oh that's from the dna test what who wanted a dna test
20:57all right i don't know how to tell you this michael but your mom is dead
21:12what are you doing
21:33right now
21:34Let's out there!
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