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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, Michael, are you studying again?
00:06Do you realize how depressing that is to come home to?
00:09Depressing is coming home to an empty lasagna tray?
00:13Touché, Michael.
00:16It's just a reminder of the fact that I have no social life out here.
00:19I'm having the worst dry spell ever.
00:21My dry spell has lasted 20 years, but go on.
00:24I mean, in New York, if you see a pretty girl, you can just walk right up to her, you know?
00:28But here, they're all in cars.
00:30They go whipping past me at like a million miles an hour.
00:33You know, like today, I saw this pretty girl driving toward me,
00:36so I make a U-turn and get a ticket for 800 bucks.
00:41$800 for a U-turn?
00:43Yeah.
00:45We may have been on a freeway at the time.
00:49I just wish I had a regular place where I could go and meet women.
00:52Well, you could go to bars.
00:54No, I'm getting too old for that.
00:56Plus, I'm not great at telling whether or not they're gay bars before I go in.
01:02Oh, by the way, if Ramon calls, I am not here.
01:04Come on.
01:10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
01:40Joey, come here. Look at this.
01:43The world is a freaking joke.
01:46Cargo pants are five minutes ago?
01:48The world is a freaking joke.
01:51Oh, the thing about the celebrity hairstylist?
01:53I went to cosmetology school with that girl, and she was terrible.
01:56She burned way more hair than I did, and I burned some hair.
02:01Now I have to read about her living the glamorous life
02:03and rubbing elbows with celebrities.
02:05That should be me.
02:06You cut my hair. I'm on TV.
02:08No offense, but you're only slightly more famous
02:10than my client who shot her husband.
02:14Hello, giant plate of sandwiches.
02:18Joey, listen.
02:19Oh, hey, Michael. Didn't even see you there.
02:22Hands off. These are from my book club tonight.
02:25Book club? Here? In my own home?
02:28God, it's like I'm living at the Playboy Mansion.
02:31Stay away from the sandwiches. Watch them, Mom.
02:38I can't believe this.
02:44It's so upsetting when people with less talent than you
02:46are more successful.
02:47Yeah, like that dog from my beer commercial?
02:50Couldn't catch a frisbee on cue?
02:51Works all the time.
02:54You know, you should ask your agent to hook me up.
02:56She has lots of famous clients that need to get their hair done.
02:59Just show her my portfolio.
03:00I am sure she will be impressed.
03:01Well, I could show it to her,
03:02but I'm not so sure she'll be impressed.
03:04I mean, all the hairstyles are modeled by Michael,
03:06even the women's.
03:07Well?
03:08So, that Dorothy Hamill haircut with the heavy makeup?
03:12Well, lucky he's not burying bodies in the backyard.
03:20Joey, what are you doing here?
03:23Why aren't you out there getting work?
03:26Uh, didn't have any auditions today.
03:28Oh, sure. Put it all on me.
03:31What's that?
03:33Oh, it's a, uh, portfolio of hairstyles.
03:36What?
03:40Oh, who's the model?
03:44Oh.
03:46I'd like to keep that little piece of chicken in my pocket
03:49and snack on him all day.
03:53Uh, that's my nephew.
03:55Well, we can see who has the looks in your family.
03:57Anyway, my sister is a hairdresser,
04:03and that's her portfolio.
04:04I was hoping maybe you could show it to some of your clients.
04:07Oh.
04:09Absolutely.
04:15Hi, Halle Berry.
04:18My client has a sister who's a barber.
04:21Could she do your hair for the Oscars?
04:28What'd she say?
04:31Joey, I'm not here to do you personal favors.
04:35Let me explain how this agent thing works.
04:38First, you become famous,
04:40and then I'll kiss your ass.
04:44But until then, let's keep it strictly professional.
04:47Okay, sorry.
04:49I understand.
04:51Leave the pictures of the boy toy.
05:01Well, hello.
05:03Are you here for book club?
05:05I am now.
05:07What did you think of this week's book?
05:09I found it extremely fictional.
05:14Uh, Joey, Joey,
05:15can I just talk to you for one second?
05:17Uh, yeah.
05:18Sorry.
05:22What are you doing?
05:23You didn't tell me there were pretty ladies in the nerd club.
05:27You gotta let me in.
05:28Look, I don't know.
05:29Hey, come on, Michael.
05:30You can't keep me out of a room full of women.
05:32If I was in charge of a room full of boring stuff,
05:34I'd let you in.
05:35Look, this isn't one of those book clubs
05:37where people just come to mingle, all right?
05:39It's a place to discuss literature,
05:41not pick up girls.
05:42Oh, my God, Jane's here.
05:43Jane.
05:46Hi, Michael.
05:47I brought an ice cream cake.
05:48That's great.
05:48That's great.
05:49It's great to see you.
05:50Uh, great book, huh?
05:51So great.
05:52I was a little slow at the beginning,
05:53but great overall.
05:54I mean, did you think it was great?
05:55The cake is cold.
05:56My hands are getting numb.
05:58Oh.
06:03Not a place to pick up girls, huh?
06:07Jane?
06:07No way.
06:08No, are you kidding?
06:09No, I would never.
06:10Great, great.
06:11Great, great.
06:12Great, great, great.
06:13Great, great.
06:14All right.
06:16I love her so much.
06:19So ask her out.
06:20No, book club has a strict no dating rule,
06:22and I'm the president.
06:23She's my vice president.
06:24The scandal would tear our administration apart.
06:27Michael, you have to seize this moment.
06:31The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing.
06:34I want you.
06:36I can't go against the rules without a motion being passed.
06:39So I'll make a motion.
06:40No, you're not a member.
06:41There's an approval process.
06:42Well, I motion you suspended on account of me being the sole payer of rent for the book
06:46club's headquarters.
06:46I second the motion.
06:49The motion is passed.
06:50I motion for a presidential exemption to the no dating rule.
06:53I second the motion.
06:54The motion is passed.
06:55I motion that you and me eat that entire ice cream cake right now.
06:59Motion denied.
07:00Mr. Chairman, you're out of order.
07:01Great book club tonight.
07:09Lively discussion, and I got five phone numbers.
07:13Yeah, the girls were crazy about you.
07:15What's your secret?
07:16Well, there's no trick.
07:18Women just want to be listened to.
07:20So when they talk, I pretend to listen and go like this.
07:26Hey, so how'd it go with Jane?
07:27Did you ask her out?
07:28No, just because I want to wait until next week's meeting so I can set the mood.
07:32So I picked a romantic book, and I asked her to come over right before just to help me
07:36write out the discussion questions.
07:38Nice, nice.
07:39What's the book?
07:40Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.
07:41It's a tale of manners and courtship set in 19th century rural England.
07:45I hope you enjoy reading that.
07:47Joey, if you're going to be in this book club, you have to read the book.
07:51The whole notion of...
07:52Stop that!
07:55Stop it!
07:57Hey, guys.
07:58Hey.
07:59Mom.
07:59So, is the agent going to send me any clients?
08:02No.
08:03Actually, Bobby's been very busy, so I don't know if you should expect the call.
08:06Your agent?
08:07She did call.
08:08Really?
08:09Yeah, it was weird.
08:10She called me her little chicken nugget, then made a bunch of slurping noises.
08:15That's just showbiz talks.
08:18I can't believe you don't know anyone famous.
08:20If you hadn't turned down that hit show, you'd have so many connections that could help me right now.
08:24Yeah, that's what I regret most about that decision.
08:28Hey, I'm sorry to bug you, but did you get some of my mail by mistake?
08:32I didn't get my People magazine, and the post office said they delivered it today.
08:38Gina, weren't you reading that earlier?
08:40What's the problem?
08:41I'm not good enough to steal your magazine?
08:44Alex, it's okay.
08:45I think it's upstairs.
08:46Have a seat.
08:46I'll go get it.
08:46No, that's okay.
08:47You don't need to leave us alone.
08:51So, tell me, do you...
08:53No, this isn't a social hour.
08:54What famous people do you know?
08:57Oh, well, um, my college friend Jessica is married to a big-time movie producer.
09:02So does she wear really expensive gowns and get her hair all done up and go to big premieres?
09:06Yeah, all the time.
09:07She goes to one, like, every week.
09:09Oh, you're lying to impress me.
09:12No, I'm not lying.
09:13She's a really good friend of mine.
09:15You're right.
09:15I'd like to see you ask her to let me do a hair for her next premiere.
09:19All right, I will.
09:20Wait, what just happened?
09:22I'm really good, I swear.
09:23I just need a chance.
09:25If you call her and set it up, I'll be nice to you.
09:28For how long?
09:31Name your terms.
09:32Two weeks.
09:33Done.
09:34I should have said three.
09:35And now you're down to one.
09:36Oh.
09:44Hey.
09:44Hello.
09:45Hey, listen, tonight at book club, don't have Diane sit next to Maureen.
09:49Why?
09:49I may be dating both of them exclusively.
09:54Oh, my God, that's Jane.
09:55All right, I'll get out of your hair until book club starts.
09:57I'll be in my room reading the book and listening to some soft rock hits of the 70s.
10:02Can you believe someone threw this out?
10:03Oh.
10:08Hi.
10:09Whoa.
10:11Come in.
10:11I'm sorry.
10:11You just, you look great.
10:13Thanks.
10:14You look, I don't know.
10:16I can't see without my glasses.
10:19I probably shouldn't have driven here.
10:20So, uh, did you enjoy the book?
10:28Oh, yeah.
10:29Yeah, it's pretty romantic.
10:32Very.
10:32So, I wanted to ask you...
10:35Don't mind me just grabbing a snack.
10:37Reading makes me hungry.
10:38I'm sorry, please.
10:41Um, so...
10:42Just call me angel of the morning.
10:46Angel.
10:47I'll talk about you before you leave.
10:54So, I was just thinking that maybe we could loosen up the rules of book club.
10:59Oh, okay.
10:59Like, maybe we could strike the no dating rule from the bylaws.
11:03Oh, yes, let's do that.
11:04Okay, okay.
11:05Consider it stricken.
11:06Okay, great.
11:07So, we can date people in book club.
11:09Yes, we can.
11:11So, what's up with your uncle?
11:13I'm sorry?
11:14Well, do you think he would go out with me?
11:17He mentioned he was single last time, and I was hoping you could say something for me.
11:20I'm gonna go read in the courtyard.
11:23Give you two some privacy.
11:35Four down, 371 to go.
11:37Hey.
11:39Hey.
11:40I just wanted to tell you guys to be sure to watch TV tonight.
11:42I just did Alex's friend's hair for a premiere, and she's gonna be on the red carpet.
11:45Oh, how'd it go?
11:47Oh, I was a little nervous at first.
11:48She's a very fancy lady.
11:51She was drinking martinis and sitting with the legs crossed.
11:55But then I got into it, and instinct just took over.
11:57I did this beautiful, old Hollywood-style updo.
12:01Congratulations.
12:02All right.
12:03I'm gonna go tell Michael.
12:04No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:04He's in there with the girl.
12:06Okay.
12:06He's in there with the girl, and you're reading books?
12:08What is this?
12:09Freaky Friday?
12:09All right.
12:12I guess I'll go tell Blondie how it went.
12:13Ah, call her Alex.
12:14You promised you were gonna be nice.
12:16Yeah.
12:16Only one more day of that, and some stuff is gonna happen.
12:21Five minutes left.
12:22I gotta buckle down.
12:25Hey, little snail!
12:26Hi, Joey.
12:33Hey, Ann, Maureen, you two know each other?
12:35Oh, yeah.
12:36We're good friends.
12:37I did not know that.
12:39Come on in.
12:43Hi, Joey.
12:44Sup?
12:47Listen, Michael, I didn't exactly finish the book, okay?
12:51So don't call on me.
12:52You're unbelievable.
12:53What?
12:54Come here.
12:56What's the matter?
12:59Did you ask Jane out?
13:00No, I didn't ask her out, because she wants to go out with you.
13:03Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
13:05Obviously, I would never...
13:06You totally screwed this up for me.
13:08I didn't mean to.
13:09I barely said two words to her.
13:10You didn't have to.
13:11You came to last week's meeting with your game face on,
13:13looking at score, and it worked, all right?
13:15You're like a big blob of sex,
13:17and you oozed your charm all over the girl I like.
13:21I am not a sex blob.
13:24Okay?
13:24And this is not my fault.
13:25Look, I'm sorry if she likes me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
13:28I should never have let you in.
13:32Should we get started?
13:34Yes.
13:34Come, Joey.
13:35Let's go talk about the book we all read.
13:36Nothing past page four.
13:37Hey, I wanted to call and tell you what a great...
13:52Book club is starting, everybody.
13:54Book club!
13:57Okay, so...
13:58Who wants to start?
13:59I thought...
13:59Joey, what did you think of Pride and Prejudice?
14:03Let's hear it.
14:03What were some of the central themes?
14:11Uh...
14:12Well, Pride was one.
14:14Yeah.
14:16And, of course, Prejudice, which is wrong.
14:19Oh, yeah.
14:21Uh-huh.
14:22And what did you think of Darcy?
14:23She was good.
14:25Darcy's a man.
14:26But not in the modern sense.
14:29Is that what you're saying, Joey?
14:31Uh, yes, it is.
14:32Yes, it is, Maureen.
14:36That's interesting.
14:37That's very interesting.
14:42He didn't read the book.
14:43The only reason he's here is to pick up women.
14:45Now, in the interest of maintaining the integrity of book club,
14:48I motion that we kick Joey out.
14:49Who seconds?
14:53Come on.
14:54He didn't read the book.
14:55Neither did I.
14:56Me neither.
14:57I shot a movie.
14:58There was a movie!
15:02Did anyone here read the book?
15:04You put too much pressure on us, Michael.
15:06A book a week?
15:07It's just really gotten very stressful.
15:09How is reading stressful?
15:11Reading is fun.
15:13It's fun!
15:14Okay.
15:15Okay, let's turn this into a hostage situation.
15:18If you want me to leave, I will.
15:21No!
15:23You know what?
15:24I'm just gonna go.
15:33Okay.
15:33It's almost time for the big premiere.
15:35I made popcorn.
15:37Nice place.
15:38Oh.
15:39Who's the knockout in the tiara?
15:40Oh, that's my sister Nancy.
15:42She was queen of the rose parade.
15:44Hmm.
15:45You're cute,
15:45but maybe you shouldn't stand next to her in family pictures.
15:49Yeah, that's what my mom says.
15:53I really appreciate you helping me out.
15:55I mean, I know I mess with you sometimes, but it's just for fun.
15:58Oh, yeah.
15:59That is fun.
16:01So this is actually kind of nice,
16:05being friendly.
16:07Maybe we could keep it up a little longer than a week.
16:09I physically can't.
16:12Oh, my God.
16:12It's on.
16:15Look at George Clooney.
16:16I would wear him down to a nub.
16:21Yeah.
16:21I would have bunches of sex with him.
16:24Oh, my God.
16:26I think that's Jessica's husband getting out of the limo.
16:28Oh, my God.
16:28This is exciting.
16:29Oh, there she is.
16:30Oh, wow.
16:32She actually looks really good.
16:34Not that I'm surprised.
16:36I mean, when I said actually, I didn't mean that.
16:39What?
16:40What's wrong?
16:41She took it down.
16:43What?
16:45That wasn't the style I gave her.
16:46She must have taken it out in the limo.
16:49She hated it.
16:52I can't believe this.
16:54Oh, I'm so sorry.
16:57I knew when I walked in there I was out of my league,
16:59but I spent two hours trying to fake it.
17:03Oh, no.
17:04Um, they're there.
17:08I can't believe I ever thought I could do this.
17:11I just don't fit in with rich people.
17:12They look down on me.
17:14They always have and they always will,
17:15with their grammar and their leg crossing.
17:18Hey, don't be saying that, girlfriend.
17:27Okay, look.
17:28I grew up with money and I don't look down on you.
17:31If anything, I envy you.
17:33Oh, come on.
17:34It's true.
17:35I wish I were as strong and as confident as you.
17:38And if it were me,
17:39I would be more than happy to have you do my hair.
17:43Really?
17:45You mean that?
17:46Absolutely.
17:49So can we do it right now?
17:52Now?
17:53Oh, now seems so soon.
17:59Look, Michael, it's Joey.
18:01I know you're mad,
18:03but I hope you come home soon
18:04so we can talk about how you're feeling
18:06and work this out.
18:08And also, if you get a chance to pick up some tacos
18:10or something on your way home,
18:11that'd be great.
18:19Hey, look,
18:21I know you're upset because Jane liked me, all right?
18:26But I hope you know I would never come between you and a girl, all right?
18:29And I really did not mean for that to happen.
18:32No, I know you didn't.
18:33That's the problem.
18:40What?
18:43It's going to happen whether you try or not.
18:45You know, anytime I actually get a girl and bring her home,
18:47she'll take one look at you
18:48and she'll forget I'm even here.
18:49Hey, come on.
18:50Give yourself some credit.
18:52Michael, you have so many gifts that I don't have.
18:56You're really smart.
18:57People respect your opinion about stuff.
19:00That's a great thing.
19:03Maybe.
19:04I'd still rather have your gifts.
19:08Yeah, me too.
19:12Hey, but believe me,
19:14you are on your way to big things, okay?
19:17Because you're only going to get better with girls and stuff.
19:20But I'll always suck at math.
19:23You know?
19:23In, like, five years,
19:25you are going to be a force to be reckoned with.
19:28Yeah.
19:30And in five years,
19:33you'll be 40.
19:38You get a lot of your mother in you, don't you?
19:43Okay.
19:44Ladies and gentlemen,
19:46modeling an original Gina Tribbiani hairstyle
19:48called the Nice and Nasty,
19:52I'll give you Alex Garrett.
19:54You get it.
19:57Whoa.
19:58Now that's a neighbor.
20:01Come on.
20:02Get your camera.
20:02I want to get some pictures.
20:03You look so different.
20:05I can't believe you own an outfit that slutty.
20:07Hey, that's mine.
20:08I wear that to church.
20:12You're very nice to be such a good sport.
20:15Can I tell you something?
20:17I love it.
20:17I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
20:23You know she was a hooker, right?
20:26Yes.
20:26I have to go look at myself in the mirror again.
20:28Oh, Joey, I've got great news.
20:40Oh, did I get that commercial?
20:41No, I bought a horse.
20:45Joey, come on.
20:46I've got to get to school.
20:48Oh, hi, I'm Michael.
20:49I have a seat.
20:55Joey, I completely forgot.
20:59There's a residual check for you in the accounting department.
21:02Why don't you go grab it?
21:05All right.
21:06Okay, I'll be right back.
21:07I'll be right back.
21:07So, Michael, how do you feel about full frontal nudity?
21:25I'm not an actor.
21:26Oh, yes, I know.
21:32Press down, just tell that!
21:37All right.
Recommended
21:41
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