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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey, Michael, who was that girl last night?
00:07I wasn't with the girl.
00:08No, no, no, the one I brought home.
00:10I can never remember her name.
00:18There he is, the star of the new show, Deep Powder.
00:22Bobby, hi. Come on in.
00:25Wow. What are you doing here?
00:27How would you like to go to Las Vegas and be a celebrity judge?
00:32It would be great publicity for your new show.
00:34Bobby, I told you, I don't want to do stuff like that anymore.
00:37It's a beauty pageant.
00:38Anything for the show.
00:41It's Miss Southwestern USA, but they need you to leave for Las Vegas tonight.
00:46Tonight?
00:47Well, you weren't their first choice.
00:50Okay, all right, fine. What's involved in judging?
00:53You have to look at beautiful women and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.
00:57Can you do that, Joey?
01:00I'll give it a try.
01:03Okay, this is great.
01:04But why did you come by to ask me?
01:06You could have just called.
01:06Well, I like to give my clients the personal attention.
01:10Michael!
01:12You are here.
01:14Oh, gosh.
01:15Oh, well, you're filling out nicely.
01:19A couple more months and you'll be ready.
01:25I'm okay.
01:26You know what?
01:26Thanks for stopping by, Bobby.
01:28Here you go.
01:29All right.
01:33Oh, yeah.
01:34You know, part of me thinks I should at least...
01:43She would eat you alive.
01:48Come on!
01:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
02:22I'm gonna make a great judge seven six oh four oh what a cute puppy eight hey hey
02:38so you ready for your beauty pageant yeah I'm really excited you know I've
02:42never been in a position before where my opinion mattered my judgment could
02:45change someone's life Joey it's just a beauty pageant you bite your tongue you
02:51were talking about the Miss South West something something something wow didn't
02:57know you were taking it so seriously well yeah this is a big step for me you know
03:01it says I'm a part of the community of celebrities you know it says that I can
03:05be trusted to judge fairly it says the Corbin Bernson dropped out last minute
03:09it does say that hey guys I think this is for you someone left it by my door by
03:14mistake oh this must be my VIP packet for Vegas oh why are you going to Vegas I'm
03:19judging a beauty pageant what my sister did pageants I find them degrading to
03:25women oh you jealous of her very oh my god there's some great stuff in here oh
03:32what'd you get I don't know if I can share this with you this is a VIP packet you
03:36guys are just RF's regular folk oh comped room free buffet front row seats to a Celine Dion concert
03:48oh you don't really like her do you no no I just like to go to her concerts as a joke with a bunch
03:56of other hilarious people that I met on her website oh you can have these if you want really wait a
04:04minute is this a prank did Sheila from team Celine put you up to this no really you can have the
04:12ticket I can't believe you like Celine Dion oh what I'm sorry it's not Whitesnake you got a
04:18problem with Whitesnake okay all right okay no one is looking good here all right and oh hey Alex by
04:25the way if you want to catch a ride with me I'm leaving him out okay great I'll go pack
04:29wait a second why does she get to go to Vegas and I don't no one said you couldn't go why is
04:36anger always your first response I really don't know look I have a free suite why don't you and
04:46Michael join me that'd be fun oh god Michael's not gonna want to go he hates Vegas all right well
04:51what if we put him in the car and don't give him a choice I'm supposed to pick him up from Caltech we
04:57should kidnap him oh yeah let's do that all right this is really exciting we're really gonna go wait
05:03I'm not dressed for Vegas Gina you're always dressed for Vegas okay just so you guys know
05:19because we got a long drive ahead of us when you throw trash out of the car it just comes back here
05:24and hits me in the face oh there's Michael okay we shouldn't tell him we're going to Vegas let's
05:30think of a place we know he'll want to go oh let's tell him we're going to get ice cream no no no no
05:35then he'll be really mad when he finds out we're not now I'm mad we're not getting ice cream hey why
05:43are you guys all picking me up why are you grinning like idiots he's on to us drive
05:50oh my god I can't believe we're here Joey come on we're inside now take off the glasses hey hey
06:10I am here as a celebrity judge celebrity okay people expect a certain flair all right the
06:17sunglasses say you may not know who I am but yeah it's me all right fine oh I better get to my
06:26concert I can't believe I'm gonna see Celine it's like seeing the Beatles yeah except she's like a
06:32bony chested French Canadian you want to punch in the face oh really I can't remember what state-of-the-art
06:38theater was built in Vegas for white snake is that Celine oh all right Vegas wow those girls are hot
06:51hey hey hey that is for me to judge you're gonna have a fun weekend no no no the rules say I can't
06:58fraternize with the girls I need to be impartial otherwise it would be unfair to the show's producers
07:03the contestants and the good people at Mike's Hard Lemonade and Spike TV
07:06hey hey there you are so what do you think we're gonna have some fun in Vegas I don't think so I'm
07:13just gonna go after the room and study look I know you don't want to come but I promise we're gonna
07:16have a good time mom will you please let me go back to the room no you're not going anywhere
07:19and now stop selfie and take off that stupid hat hey nice to see you again sir
07:23who was that I have no idea welcome back sir we've missed you
07:28what's going on how come more people are recognizing you than recognize me
07:34all right fine I come here okay a lot you do yes I come here with a bunch of my friends from Caltech
07:42to play blackjack we we count cards we win a lot of money oh my god Michael's interesting
07:48don't use my real name I'm here under an assumed name oh this is too much I am not buying it okay
07:55I'll prove it to you hey Sal hey Dr. Rodriguez you shaved your mustache yeah well the wife
08:03couldn't take it anymore oh my god you have been lying to me and doing shady things in Vegas
08:12I have never felt closer to you I can't believe you count cards it's like I got my own rain man
08:20how much is that 50 cents that's spooky I want to count cards with you yeah we gotta do this no I
08:30don't think that's a good idea come on we can rip off the casino together like a family all right
08:35how about this let's sleep on it I'll teach you first thing in the morning oh yeah that's actually
08:38for the best yeah I have an early pageant meeting gotta get some rest you know go to bed were you
08:43on days of her lives with her
08:45welcome hi Joey Tribbiani long-time pageant fan first-time judge well I'm Jerry the pageant producer
09:04oh hey sorry I'm a little late I had kind of a crazy night but it's not going to interfere with my
09:08judging duties I am so honored to be here to me there is no more noble endeavor than rating hot
09:15chicks watch four that's my wife out of five Jerry I want to introduce you to Bob Saget this is joy
09:28Tribbiani he's another one of our celebrity judges Wow Bob Saget I don't like to be touched
09:35so I wow we're judging this together I'm on the same level as you but that depends how much you're
09:43getting paid for this you're getting paid okay everybody we wanted to take this opportunity to
09:50introduce the judges to the finalists so here they are Miss Tucson Miss Santa Fe Miss Reno and Miss
10:01Laughlin sorry I'm late and a crazy night hey hello again nice sesh oh
10:17guys I just did something bad okay here's the story you with me till 10 o'clock Michael you saw him go
10:22to bed at no no no no no no no it's nothing like that I hooked up with one of the contestants did any
10:28of us think that wasn't gonna happen it wasn't my fault she didn't tell me she was a contestant
10:33it didn't even come up you guys heard every word we said to each other okay now I can't be impartial
10:39what am I gonna do well you could resign or I could hook up with the other four finalists
10:46how's that gonna help well then none of them will have an advantage it'll level the playing field
10:52Joey I gotta say yeah please that is brilliant yeah yeah this is too important I have to preserve
10:59the integrity of the Miss Southwestern USA pageant by hooking up with all the contestants hey I didn't
11:05ask for the solution to this horrible problem to be wonderful it just is okay come on teach me this
11:12card counting then all right here's how it works when I want you to come over to the table to start
11:16betting I'm gonna run my fingers through my hair also we need a verbal signal for you to stop betting
11:20so my friends and I usually just work the name of a US president into the conversation so if I say
11:26Garfield cat eats Mondays lasagna okay maybe we'll try something else uh what's a subject you know a lot
11:34about alcohol okay great all right so I'm gonna mention alcohol and you stop and one more thing
11:41make it fast I'm getting kind of full up here all right the pit boss cannot find out that we know
11:47each other if he does he'll take us to the back room and very very bad things happen in the back
11:51room hey okay the Miss Southwestern teen pageant is in ballroom B I almost just got myself in a lot of
11:57trouble hi I'm Joey Tribbiani one of the judges nice to meet you so miss Reno where are you from
12:12Reno okay this small talk isn't working I'll cut to the chase I assume you want the judging to be fair
12:21and impartial of course walk with me I'm gonna tell you about an interesting way that we can ensure
12:27that that happens but I was just going over some literature for my platform statement oh well let
12:34me take a look what issue have you chosen abstinence okay I'm gonna go build a little momentum and
12:44then get back to you oh Debbie whatever you just said sounds very interesting so you want to come back to
12:56my room I like that and you can feel good because you are ensuring a fair competition competition what
13:04competition are you not in the Miss Southwestern USA beauty pageant no then why'd you tell me you were
13:11from Tucson because I am from Tucson well this is just great are you coming back to my room or not I'm
13:20sorry you seem like a nice girl but I just don't have time for this here here's a pamphlet on abstinence
13:24Miss Albuquerque Miss Santa Fe you two are together great I'm a little behind schedule because someone
13:33from Tucson just wasted a lot of my time so you two are both New Mexicans huh do you guys like
13:40each other yeah really how much we're actually sharing a room that is great news Joey we're
13:50having a special emergency meeting there have been some improprieties with contestant judge relations
13:55please come with me see you at the pageant I wouldn't bet on it I would just like to remind everyone
14:08that I filled in as a last-minute replacement for Corbin Bernson and I think that that should count
14:14for something okay the reason we're here is that one of the contestants Miss Laughlin has had improper
14:21relations with a judge maybe it was an irresistible judge and no one's at fault the rules could not be
14:28clearer on this issue as a result we are disqualifying Miss Laughlin from the competition and we will be
14:36passing her name on to the U.S. Council on Beauty pageants dog shows and rodeos
14:42you're gonna disqualify the judge actually since the pageant is in three hours we don't have that
14:49luxury well hold on a sec that doesn't seem fair that's a double standard I'm sorry what takes two
14:55to tango the judge is just as guilty as she is and as much as it pains me to say it if she's gonna go
15:01he should go to I guess you're right Bob I think you should leave
15:07nice speech Gloria Steinem
15:13jackass
15:17hey there you are hey how'd your plan work out oh well it turned out that Miss Laughlin that
15:29contestant I slept with was even sleazier than me and Bob Saget thinks I'm a jackass
15:35how's it going with you oh great I'm just taking a little pee break I gotta get back
15:40this card counting thing is amazing we are way ahead oh really I want to come watch
15:45okay the casino can't know we know each other so Michael's Dr. Rodriguez and I'm Victoria from
15:52England that's why I'm talking in this British accent it's good I know
15:58welcome back yeah we missed you Victoria and I missed you Dr. Rodriguez now sit up straight
16:06hey y'all name's Dusty flew in from Texas I got a hankering to watch me some blackjack
16:16oh god you know what I like about Vegas they can sit down at a table full of strangers
16:24yet they all feel like family oh thanks not you sir dealer bus you win again hi you haven't
16:35quite a run of luck tonight I know I'm Kevin the pit boss really uh does anyone at this table
16:44think I should stop playing and go get some alcohol oh why don't you just order your drinks
16:48from a waitress that way you can keep playing get a little extra money maybe I don't know buy a family
16:54member of pinball machine I don't know if the lady wants to leave Dusty I think you should
17:01let her was anyone talking to you Dr. Rodriguez okay I'm done wait a minute you're not going anywhere
17:10without your breakfast voucher you've had a great night I hope you come and stay with us again
17:18well adios muchacho Joey there you all are I just got back from my third Celine concert they were
17:30identical I'm not Joey I'm Dusty wait a minute you guys all know each other oh yeah these three
17:41troublemakers are my neighbors back in LA wow Gina you have so many chips oh I bet Michael helped you
17:50because he's such a math genius okay I want all of you to come with me now to the back room now
17:59back nabbit this sure is one texas-sized mess
18:06stay right here I'll be back is it just me or did that man seem like he was mad at us for
18:25something we were counting cards they're good they're gonna kill us you guys I'm freaking out
18:33it's okay baby you want to know what scared is finding out you're pregnant at 16 that's nothing
18:38you want to know what scared is one time this big moth almost flew into my mouth that does not top my
18:44story no okay you guys what are we gonna do uh oh oh I know how we're gonna get out of this
18:51what you're gonna sleep with all the pit bosses no no we're gonna pretend to be dumb okay it's
18:58something that works for me all the time like like when a girl catches me with someone else I just go
19:02but baby I don't understand what the problem is I thought she was you you want them to think we're
19:08too stupid to count cards yeah yeah okay now uh let me see all you make a dumb face Gina good but
19:16you had the shortest distance to travel Alex you're not there uh imagine Celine said your name on stage
19:22perfect okay Michael it still looks like there's a light on in there there you go that's what I
19:30thought my son would look like okay okay tell me come here look we know you've been counting cards
19:43what we got you on camera you guys are in a lot of trouble but baby I thought she was you
19:58just please don't do anything to us look I've got no choice your names are going in the book all the
20:09casinos are gonna know who you are you'll never gamble in this town again that's it you're not gonna break
20:16our legs or anything I went to the corno school of hotel management you got 30 minutes to check out I
20:24never want to see any of your faces around here again okay 30 minutes three contestants room keys in
20:35case of Mike's hard lemonade see you guys at the car
20:46you
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