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Short filmTranscript
00:00Um, just, uh, just a second, I, uh, oh, you know what, um, let me, uh, get a little
00:26more comfortable. Oh, sure, okay. Oh, where's my bra? Ah, well, I took the liberty of removing
00:33it on the way upstairs. That is amazing. It's part of my sexual sleight of hand. Oh, I've
00:41also switched your underwear to a thaw. Come on, Alex, I'm not that good. Wait, wait, wait,
00:51wait, wait, wait. Are we sure this is a good idea? Oh, yeah, I'm all about enjoying life.
00:56If I told you, it's my new thing. We're young and single, we should seize the moment. Oh,
01:01yeah, it was fine. Oh, okay. You know what? I just remembered, I thought of something you
01:12really like. What? I got some champagne downstairs. Oh, you remembered? Of course. I'll also grab
01:17some chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Oh, sexy, a little nine and a half weeks. Uh, sure,
01:23yeah, if there's an elf, I'm here. You got a girl upstairs. How do you know? Well, the
01:34only other time you move that fast is when the microwave timer rings. Well, excuse me
01:39for trying to burn off a few calories before enjoying a croissant pocket. Out of the way,
01:44Alex is waiting. Alex? Joey, wait. I'm not so sure you should do this. Oh, no, no, no,
01:50don't worry. We've talked. It's totally cool. She told me all about her thing, so. She told
01:53you she has feelings for you? What? Uh, what you said, that she told you about her thing,
02:00that she has feelings for you. That was not her thing. Her thing was being fun. Feelings
02:05is the opposite of fun. Oh, no, this is bad. You cannot tell her I told you that she's in
02:09love with you. In love with me? You said feelings. Yeah, she's been totally obsessed
02:14with you. Obsessed? You said in love. How long has this been going on? This is the first
02:20time you guys slept together. What? All this time? Yeah, and it's been really hard on her.
02:24You cannot sleep with her. Right. Why? Joey, she's one of your best friends. It'll screw
02:31up everything. Right. Crap. All right, well, I, I got to get out of it. Well, what do I
02:38do? Joey, you are going to have to turn down sex. Oh. I can do it. All right, I can do
02:47it. I'll just, uh, I'll use some of the excuses women have used on me. Hey, hey, several women
02:53have turned me down for sex. Most on the day Princess Diana died. Good luck. Yeah, I'm going
02:59to need it. I'm irresistible. All right, you know what? I got, I got to try to find a
03:02way to tone down my sexiness. Uh, oh, Michael's rain hat. Huh? You look kind of cute. Of course
03:11I do. Hey, Tiger. Hey, fella. Oh, bright lights. You're not shy, are you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
03:29slow down there, killer. Aren't we going to talk first? You want to talk? Yeah, I'm not
03:37a piece of meat, Alex. I have a mind. Foreplay starts here. You want to talk? Okay, how's this?
03:47Take off your shirt. No, no, no, no, no. Why not? Well, I just, I don't feel like my body
03:54is very pretty today. What? Besides, I'm bloated. I haven't shaved my legs. And, and,
04:02and the princess. We lost our English rose. What is going on? Can I not mourn the people's
04:09princess? Uh, okay. You're being really weird. Do you not want to do this? Uh, whatever.
04:24You know, what do you want to do? Joey, I'm in your bedroom. My bra is off. I think you
04:31know what I want to do. The La Brea tar pits it is. I'll be in the car. Hey. Hey. I'll
04:43be done in a minute, okay? Okay. So I stopped by Joey's last night and he said you were over.
04:48Everything okay? Oh, yeah. Things are great. I was in Joey's bedroom and I threw myself at
04:53him and he didn't sleep with me. Never felt so rejected. Don't say that. What about when
04:58your husband left you? You ever wonder why you don't have any other female friends? Hey,
05:04I have you and Cheryl from the Psychic Friends Network, who, by the way, said that you would
05:08betray me. Look, I never expected Joey to jump into a relationship with me, but if I can't
05:14get that guy into bed, there must be nothing there. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It's just been
05:22such a waste of time and energy. I got his name for Secret Santa and do you know how much
05:27trouble I've gone through to arrange the perfect present for him? What'd you get me?
05:31Nothing. I didn't pick your name. That is not the betrayal. I feel like such a loser and
05:38I shouldn't have to feel that way. The other night when you and I went out, guys were throwing
05:42themselves at me. And that Dean guy even sent me flowers. Oh, he is hot. And he is much better
05:48than Joey. He is richer and he is older, which means he'll be dead sooner.
05:51I don't think I'm ready to start seeing other guys. All I know is I need to stay away from
05:58Joey for a while. Well, what about his Christmas party tonight?
06:01I can't go to that. I don't know what I'm going to do.
06:06Oh, come here.
06:10Oh, I've walked you into a Lifetime original movie.
06:14Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in such a good mood. My new boyfriend, Albert, is picking me up for lunch.
06:28He's the most amazing man I've ever met.
06:31Really? What's he like?
06:32Well, he's strong and virile and he's spent the last two years traveling around the globe
06:37hunting big game.
06:39There she is, right for the kill. And me, without my sexiest woman in the world gun.
06:47Come here, Albert. I want you to meet my assistant, Gina. And this is Alex. She's the janitor in the building.
06:53I'm not a janitor. I'm a lawyer.
06:55Look, honey, I don't care what you were back in the Ukraine. Now you're in America and you're a janitor.
07:03Is that a new outfit?
07:05Why, yes, it is.
07:06Change it! You look like a tramp. I don't want the men around here seeing so much of you.
07:12Okay, I'll go buy a new outfit right away.
07:15Make sure that it is tight and too long so that you trip.
07:20Now, pull yourself together and meet me downstairs.
07:24Wait! Will you touch me today?
07:28You know I don't touch you in public.
07:33Please.
07:34I shall almost touch you.
07:38Swing and a miss, Michael.
08:04Hey, so, Gina told me that Alex is, like, in love with me.
08:15Did you guys know about this?
08:17We couldn't say anything, man. We were sworn to secrecy.
08:19Well, I can understand that from you.
08:21But you, we were fake married in Mexico. That should mean something.
08:24I'm sorry. So, how'd you find out?
08:29The worst possible time. It was right before Alex and I were about to sleep together again.
08:34What? You slept with her?
08:35No. Then it wasn't easy. But you know what? I made the right choice because I could really mess up our friendship.
08:40Yeah, Alex is a nice girl.
08:41She is. She's cool and she gets me and we have fun. You know?
08:51So, are you going to talk to Alex about this stuff?
08:53No. I'm just going to be normal. Go back to having fun together, you know?
08:56And that's all going to start at my Christmas party here tonight.
08:59What? You're having a Christmas party here tonight?
09:03Yeah. You should totally come.
09:07There's going to be some great women at the party tonight. Like her.
09:11Let me see.
09:12Wow.
09:13Whoa.
09:13How'd you meet her?
09:14I didn't.
09:15But I'm now famous enough where I can pick out a model in a magazine, tell Bobby I want to meet her.
09:20Then Bobby calls her and bam! Hot girl takeout.
09:24That is amazing.
09:25Yeah, you got to be careful though.
09:26Last week I was careless with the page number I told Bobby.
09:29Ended up on a date with Val Kilmer.
09:33But he did take me to a really nice steakhouse.
09:37Man, this is going to be great.
09:39Yeah, it's perfect timing too.
09:41You know, I've been with two women now.
09:43It's time for me to step up to models.
09:45You know what? Maybe I better call someone a little more your speed, Michael.
09:49Yeah, where's the before picture for that female baldness ad?
09:52Alex, it's Joey again.
10:01Where are you? The party started. Get over here.
10:03No, stop it! Stop it!
10:11Anyway, hurry up. We really miss you over here. Come on.
10:16Bobby! Hey! You made it! Merry Christmas!
10:18Hi! Thank you for having us.
10:21If you touch my girlfriend again, I shall put you on a spit and roast you like a Christmas pig.
10:28Sorry, my British is a little shaky, but if you're asking for a cigarette, I don't smoke.
10:33Come on, Joey wasn't hitting on me.
10:36Enough of this. A warning. Stay away from my woman.
10:40I have been trained in the Sumerian death art of Kalanapahara.
10:46Bobby, initiate the dance circle.
10:48Yeah, everyone stand up and clap.
10:53He seems like a solid dude.
10:57I don't like the way Bobby is around him. She is not herself.
11:00Hey, Joey, some of the models are here. You want to come and introduce us?
11:03Yeah, yeah. I'll be there in a second.
11:04I invited the girls, but I didn't want to have to be a wingman for these guys.
11:09When they get around women like this, they both have these stupid things they go to.
11:13Zach, name drops, the lamest celebrities.
11:16And Michael, now he's scored with a couple women, has this weird confidence.
11:20I know. He's been unbuttoning his shirt lately to show off his one chest hair.
11:24It's not good, Joey.
11:25Wow. Joey Tribbiani. I'm Robin.
11:32Oh.
11:32And this is my friend Tanya.
11:34Hi. Nice to meet you.
11:35Uh, Robin, this is my friend Zach. He's an actor slash producer.
11:39Yeah.
11:40And, uh, this is my nephew Michael.
11:42He's a, he's a grad student at Caltech.
11:44Wow. You know, my, uh, concentration is applied thermodynamics, but my passion is passion.
11:50Ah. And the chase begins.
12:02Man, is that kid awkward.
12:03It reminds me of something my good friend Marlon Wayans told me about Jack 8.
12:08He said that...
12:08Has any woman ever stuck around to hear the end of that story?
12:14Judge Judy did.
12:15Hey, Joey.
12:20Hey, Howard.
12:21Hey, I know that, uh, Alex had you in the secret Santa, but I wanted to get you a little something anyway.
12:26Walkie-talkies!
12:29Ah, for both of us!
12:30So we can still talk when you move to your new house!
12:33Oh, that's great. Thanks, Howard.
12:35And...
12:36And...
12:38And a telescope!
12:41So you can see me!
12:44I'm gonna be standing in this courtyard every day from 5 to 8, waving!
12:52Okay.
12:52I'm gonna go set this up at your house right now.
12:55Yeah, but, uh, you don't, you don't have a key.
12:57Yes, I do.
13:01Hey, there you are.
13:02Hey, Joey.
13:03Oh, I was afraid you were gonna miss it.
13:05We are gonna have the best time tonight, haven't we?
13:07Uh, no, I'm sorry, actually.
13:08I made plans.
13:10What?
13:11Is that a joke?
13:12This is my Christmas party!
13:13I mean, holiday party!
13:15Sorry, Mahmud!
13:16Sorry, Ari!
13:18Come on in, come on in!
13:20No, Joey, I really don't!
13:21I don't...
13:21Hey, hey, everybody!
13:22Alex is here!
13:24Hey, Alex!
13:25Hey!
13:25See you, isn't this great?
13:27Yes!
13:27Woo-hoo!
13:29Oh, hey there!
13:30How you doing?
13:31Oh, good to see you!
13:32Well, those look good!
13:34Jingle bells!
13:35Merry Christmas!
13:35See you next year!
13:36Just kidding!
13:36Wait, wait, wait, wait!
13:37Wait, wait, wait, wait!
13:38What are you doing?
13:39I told you, I have plans.
13:41Yeah, but I got drunken Santa from the mall to come.
13:44You love him!
13:45No, you love him!
13:46You get so mad.
13:48This is an offensive corruption of the holiday spirit!
13:51And then your face turns bright red?
13:53It's great!
13:54That man does not deserve to be called Father Christmas!
13:56Yes!
13:57See?
13:57Look how cute you are!
13:59No, no, no, don't do that to me, okay?
14:01Don't call me cute!
14:02And don't be charming!
14:04Just let me go home!
14:05Well, hold on!
14:07This is about the other night, isn't it?
14:09Well, yeah.
14:11But nothing happened!
14:13It shouldn't make things weird!
14:14Well, it's weird for me!
14:17I'm sorry, Joey, I just...
14:19I can't be around you right now!
14:21Why?
14:21Come on, Alex!
14:23Look, everything shouldn't change between us just because of one night!
14:26It's more than just one night for me, and I think you know that.
14:32Let's...
14:33Just stop playing games, okay?
14:34I wanted to be more than friends, but after the other night, it's pretty clear that you don't.
14:42Alex, I just...
14:43I just...
14:44I know.
14:53Joey, I'm at your house.
14:55I can see you.
14:56You look sad.
14:59Over.
15:08I feel terrible.
15:09Alex is so upset.
15:11Of course.
15:13She's crazy about you, and you just don't feel the same way.
15:16The best thing you can do right now is just give her some space.
15:19Yeah, okay.
15:21I've lost visual contact.
15:24What is your 20?
15:25Joey, if you can hear me, please respond.
15:29Man, this Christmas party's ruined.
15:31First Alex, and it looks like it's not gonna snow.
15:34Joey, we are in L.A. It is not gonna snow.
15:36You know who likes snow?
15:39My good friend, Elvira.
15:45Hello, Michael.
15:48I understand that we're both seeing people.
15:51No, actually, I just broke up with my girlfriend.
15:53Oh, just when I'm in a relationship.
15:56Is it possible that we are living the greatest love story that ever was?
16:04Hey, Michael, come on.
16:05Okay.
16:07Hey, Joey, would you give us a hand with the girls?
16:09We don't seem to be getting any traction.
16:11Guys, I'm not really in the mood right now, okay?
16:13Come on, man, we need you.
16:14They won't give us the time of day if you don't introduce us.
16:16It has nothing to do with me introducing you.
16:18You're having problems with these models because you both act ridiculous.
16:21Okay?
16:22You with the confidence, which is like...
16:24What?
16:26Okay, and you with the name dropping, it's...
16:29I haven't been that insulted since Cedric the Entertainer.
16:32Okay, enough, enough, enough.
16:33Look, you need to just relax and talk to these girls like a normal person.
16:38Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Joey.
16:40You've always had this special way with women.
16:41But there's nothing special about me, okay?
16:44I just act normal around beautiful women.
16:46If I acted like you, I would strike out all the time.
16:49Here, watch.
16:50I'll show you.
16:50Watch.
16:50Hey, hi.
16:52You know, I have a Return of the Jedi bedspread, and I've done it with two girls.
16:56I'll be number three.
16:58Oh, what?
16:58Oh, hold on.
16:59Hold on.
17:00Hold on.
17:00Hold on.
17:00Hold on.
17:00Hey, hey, hey.
17:02You want to hear about the time I went to SeaWorld with Patrick Swayze's brother?
17:05Girls, Joey's telling an amazing story.
17:09I'm trying to make a point here, lady.
17:14I'm every Christmas and a happy new year.
17:17Ho, ho, ho!
17:19Hey, Drunken Santa.
17:21Great.
17:21You made it.
17:22Good to see you, Joey.
17:23Hey.
17:24Hey, man.
17:25You're not drunk.
17:25Oh, no.
17:26I quit drinking a few months ago.
17:28Turned my whole life around.
17:30Meeting well, working with a trainer.
17:32I've never felt better.
17:33Well, I'm paying you 80 bucks.
17:34Get drinking.
17:35Will do.
17:37All right.
17:38I'm going over there.
17:39Drunken Santa's getting loaded up right now.
17:40Alex can't miss this.
17:41No, Joey, no.
17:42Don't be so selfish.
17:44The only reason you should go over there is if you have feelings for her, which you do not.
17:48Well, who says I don't have feelings for her, huh?
17:51Do you?
17:53Well, I care about her, and I'm definitely attracted to her.
17:57But is that enough to, like, take a leap and risk screwing up our friendship?
18:01I don't know.
18:02Joey, if you really wanted to be with her, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
18:05You'd be over there right now, and you know it.
18:08Gina, could you get me a drink?
18:12I'm not allowed near the bar.
18:14Albert doesn't like the way the bartender looks at me.
18:16What?
18:17That's crazy.
18:18The guy's, like, 80 years old.
18:19Yeah, but in all fairness to Albert, I did sleep with him once.
18:25Listen, Bobby, this might not be any of my business, but I don't like the way Albert treats you.
18:29You're such a strong woman, and I hate to see some guy pick apart what makes you so great.
18:33You know, sometimes when you talk, I just hear buh-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub.
18:40Bobby, this party bores me. Let's away to my Dodge Caravan.
18:46Oh, can't we just hang out for a while? I'm having fun.
18:50I said we're leaving now.
18:52Come on, Albert. It's kind of early.
18:54Please tell your irritating assistant she is not to speak to me.
18:56Now you wait just a minute.
18:58I'm the only one that gets to call Gina a miserable old bitch.
19:03You just called me irritating.
19:08Now, look, I want to stay, and I'm tired of you telling me what to do.
19:11Roberta, we will discuss this in the caravan.
19:15Oh, yeah?
19:16Well, maybe we discuss this.
19:18Whoa, just give...
19:19Whoa!
19:21That is the single sexiest thing I have ever seen.
19:25You are untamable!
19:26Kiss him again!
19:27I'm not going to lie!
19:30Now you kiss him!
19:32Very well.
19:32Yeah.
19:32No, no, no!
19:38I have a card here for a Joey Tribbiani.
19:41Ah, that's me.
19:42Thanks.
19:43Merry Christmas.
19:53So, Joey,
19:54this Christmas,
19:56you deserve to have all your wishes come true.
19:59Love always, Alex.
20:03P.S.
20:03Look outside.
20:12Snow.
20:16Alex gave me snow.
20:17She arranged this like two days ago
20:19before all that stuff between you two happened.
20:24I'm going over there.
20:25Joey!
20:25No!
20:27I know what I'm doing.
20:28I know what I'm doing.
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