- 6 days ago
When Joey goes to Hollywood to pursue his dream of being an actor, he meets his nephew Michael and ends up sharing a unique camaraderie with him.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, I am going to love this.
00:08Hey.
00:09Hey, hey, Alex.
00:11So, are we all ready to pick names for Secret Santa?
00:13Yeah, we're just waiting for Howard.
00:14Okay.
00:16Hey, listen, promise me that if you get Joey's name for Secret Santa that you'll give it to me, okay?
00:21Oh, what now?
00:22You think you're going to get him the perfect gift and then he's going to realize,
00:24oh my God, I was supposed to be with Alex all along.
00:26There would also be a makeover montage, but that's a basic idea.
00:32Hey.
00:33Hey, here we go.
00:34Hey, how are you?
00:34Okay, the names are all ready for the Secret Santa,
00:37and since I did all the preparation, I'll just go first.
00:41Oh, okay, this looks like somebody it might be fun to get a present for.
00:48Well, what I want more than anything is a white Christmas.
00:51Just a blanket of snow on the ground, you know,
00:54you can go bobsledding, have snowball fights.
00:56Hey, Joey, we're in L.A.
00:59Are we just saying obvious things now?
01:02It's Wednesday.
01:03No, it's not.
01:07Hey, give me that, you cheater.
01:09Gee, I wonder whose name you put on the big red piece of paper.
01:12Damn it, it was the perfect crime.
01:14I should never have left you alive.
01:17I get Joey.
01:18You take mine.
01:20No, not him.
01:22He doesn't deserve a gift.
01:23I hate him.
01:27Jeez, did you have Michael or Zach?
01:29I had Howard.
01:36Come on.
01:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:40Everything's gonna be all right.
01:42All right, y'all.
01:43All right, y'all.
01:44You wanna be all right, you gotta watch.
01:46Come on.
01:48Everything's gonna be all right.
01:50Everything's gonna be all right.
01:52All right, y'all.
01:53All right, y'all.
01:53All right, y'all.
01:54You wanna be all right, you gotta watch.
01:57All right, y'all.
01:58All right, y'all.
01:58All right, y'all.
01:59You wanna be all right, you gotta watch.
02:01All right, y'all.
02:01Ah, this is the life, huh?
02:07When you move in next door to me, we can do this every day.
02:10Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers, just be guys, huh?
02:14Can you open this for me?
02:17Uh-uh, it's just moisturized.
02:21Alex, we need another one opened up!
02:24Oh, for God's sake.
02:26Jeez.
02:26I hope this isn't too forward, but it just got a lot prettier out here.
02:35I'm not making you any more sandwiches.
02:39We'll see.
02:42Hey, guys. Hey.
02:43Hey.
02:43What are you doing here? I thought you were going out with Abby.
02:45Yeah, we got in this big talk about where our relationship is going.
02:49Oh, the talk. What'd you tell her?
02:51Well, I said I didn't know, and, uh, now we're taking time off until I can figure out what I want.
02:56We, uh, we broke up, I guess.
02:58Well, you know what, Michael? You did the right thing.
03:00I mean, what are you going to do, huh?
03:02Move in together, get engaged, you don't want that.
03:04Oh, really? Why? Because then he might be in a committed relationship.
03:09Well, don't say it in that scary voice.
03:14Look, I'm just saying.
03:16You don't want to jump into anything you'll regret, okay?
03:18Abby was, like, your first real girlfriend ever.
03:20Yeah, I know, but I also hated being single, Joey. I was terrible at it.
03:24Yeah, but you're a changed man now, Michael.
03:26Once one girl gives you the stamp of approval, other girls can sense it.
03:30Women actually have a part of the brain that we don't.
03:32It's called the fibulon.
03:35That is very not true.
03:38Michael, being single is great, okay?
03:40You can say, tonight, I'm going to pick up and go to Tijuana, and you just do it.
03:44Yeah, but I never did that kind of stuff when I was sick.
03:46Okay, that is my fault. I am your uncle.
03:48It is my job to teach you about life, huh?
03:50Okay, so tonight, we're going to go to Tijuana.
03:53Guys, road trip.
03:55The men are going to Mexico.
03:59Alex!
04:03Michael, come on, let's go.
04:05Yeah, this is going to be awesome.
04:07Mexico, baby!
04:08All right, let's go.
04:09All right.
04:10Zach knows all the cool hot spots to hit.
04:13We are going to get so many women.
04:14Oh, Alex, you speak Spanish.
04:16How do you say, how you doing?
04:17Your tango herpes.
04:23Your tango herpes.
04:24Got it.
04:27Hey, guys, I'm sorry.
04:28I forgot I have plans tonight.
04:30But I wanted to drop off this map of Tijuana with some of my favorite entertainment venues.
04:35Like right here?
04:36There's a great little family-owned restaurant where they hand-make the most delicious tamales.
04:41It's also a whorehouse.
04:42Oh.
04:44Have fun.
04:45Oh, Michael, wait.
04:46I want to make sure you have enough money.
04:47Well, you just want me to bring back some of those Mexican diet pills.
04:49Yeah, the big yellow ones.
04:50They make me feel crazy.
04:54You know, I'm one of the investors in this new club, Axis.
04:58We're having a little party tonight, and I thought you might like to bring that body of yours.
05:02Oh, God, I'm sorry.
05:04But why are you always hitting on me?
05:06And why do you think I would like that?
05:09I'm Dean.
05:10I'm awesome.
05:11How old are you?
05:15I'm 51.
05:15How much do you weigh?
05:17Hey, you asked me a personal question.
05:19What are you?
05:19Like, buck 15?
05:21That is none of your business.
05:23And I will have you know that after a bout with the flu last week, I was 108.
05:28God, guys like you make me sick.
05:30Oh, really?
05:31What kind of guy am I?
05:33You're the kind that thinks that never growing up is cute instead of just pathetic.
05:36You're the kind who thinks that every other guy around him has to act like a childish jackass, too,
05:41just so that you can make yourself feel better about your own selfish, pointless...
05:45Oh, my God!
05:48What are you doing?
05:49I don't know.
05:50That's the way I usually deal with pretty girls who got the yaps.
05:55Unbelievable.
05:56Wait, wait, wait, wait.
05:57Look, look.
05:59You're just this beautiful young woman.
06:01You should be out there breaking hearts, acting crazy, having fun, instead of being so uptight
06:08and attacking me and Joey for living a little.
06:11I have fun.
06:15I power walk.
06:18I'm just saying.
06:19You're so sure you're right and we're pathetic, but maybe, maybe it's the other way around.
06:25Well, maybe, maybe...
06:27You're a jerk.
06:35We got a better comeback for...
06:36Okay, he left.
06:37That's good.
06:41Hey, just that last place was interesting.
06:50Yeah, that was the first strip club I ever been to where you had to pay to get out.
06:53Yeah.
06:54Here's an idea.
06:55Why don't you two just shut up?
06:57What is wrong with you?
06:59Oh, when I first start drinking, I get belligerent.
07:02But around my seven drink, it's all I love you, man, and bear hugs.
07:05Then I black out into what I like to call the mystery zone.
07:09Ah, the mystery zone.
07:11Very dangerous place, Michael, filled with ugly women and delicious hot dogs.
07:16Come on, guys.
07:17I need a drink.
07:17Okay.
07:18Let's go.
07:18Right here.
07:20Three times.
07:21Ah, yeah.
07:23Isn't this great, Michael?
07:24Look at all these girls.
07:25Yeah.
07:27I really shouldn't drink because if I...
07:29In you go.
07:31Okay.
07:32All right.
07:32Hey, hey.
07:33Ooh.
07:33Nice.
07:34Here's your first victim.
07:35Go hit on her.
07:36Look, Joe, I'm never going to pick up a girl at a bar, okay?
07:38You know, I was better off with Abby.
07:40Oh, Michael, the only reason you're thinking about Abby is because you're afraid.
07:43You know what you should be afraid of?
07:44What?
07:45You should be afraid of committing to someone too soon.
07:48Next thing you know, you're on a one-way train to Marriageville.
07:51Huh?
07:51And the train is dropping off so many miserable husbands and wives that before you know it,
07:56there's so many people in Marriageville that they have to build an airport.
08:00Then no one's taking the train anymore and the train station becomes defunct.
08:06What the hell is in this?
08:08You know what?
08:09Okay.
08:10I'm going to try it just once just to shut you guys up, okay?
08:13Okay, good.
08:16Hola.
08:18Yo tengo herpes.
08:24Hi.
08:25Hey, I'm Michael.
08:26Elisa.
08:27Elisa.
08:28Ah, you're very pretty.
08:31Yeah, your body looks just like my mom's.
08:34Which, that's a compliment, because my mom has an amazing body.
08:39Looks like he's doing well.
08:40I think he just said something about her body.
08:43This one time I saw her from behind, I didn't know it was her.
08:45I had some thoughts.
08:48But that's for me and Dr. Porter to work out, so.
08:52What am I talking about?
08:53Why haven't you stopped me yet?
08:55No, I'm doing this.
08:57You don't speak English?
08:59She doesn't speak English.
09:01Oh, she doesn't speak English.
09:03Michael might actually have a chance.
09:06There'll be no flights into Marriageville this evening due to heavy weather over Chicago.
09:10Please be patient.
09:11You receive a meal voucher.
09:12I love this stuff.
09:20Hey, you know Joey's neighbor Dean and his whole lame over sex Peter Pan act?
09:25This afternoon, he had the nerve to tell me that I'm the one with the problem.
09:30That I don't know how to have fun.
09:31I mean, that's crazy.
09:34Would someone who doesn't know how to have fun be able to do this?
09:43Dean may have a point.
09:44Oh, God.
09:46I know.
09:47He's right.
09:49I don't know what happened to me.
09:51I used to be fun in college.
09:53I used to go out every night partying.
09:55I was in a less successful precursor to Girls Gone Wild.
10:00So what's stopping you now?
10:01You're a sexy single gal.
10:02You should be out having fun meeting guys.
10:05Yeah, I guess it's just because I'm so hung up on Joey.
10:07Oh, enough of that.
10:09Come on.
10:10They get to go off to Tijuana?
10:11We are going out tonight.
10:13Hmm?
10:13Come on.
10:14Oh, and I know exactly what we're going to do.
10:15Have you ever wrestled another woman for prizes?
10:17Oh, okay.
10:19I do want to go out tonight.
10:21And that sounds neat.
10:23Um, but Dean actually mentioned a party, so...
10:26Okay, we'll go there then.
10:27And we are going nuts tonight.
10:29It's going to be a lot better than any Tijuana trip.
10:31Yeah, those guys are probably just sitting around the hotel right now.
10:34Joey!
10:35Joey!
10:36Joey!
10:37Joey!
10:37Joey!
10:37Joey!
10:37Joey!
10:38Joey!
10:39Joey!
10:40Joey!
10:41Joey!
10:42Joey!
10:42Joey!
10:43Joey!
10:44Joey!
10:47Hey, Alex.
11:04Hey.
11:05I'm really glad you came.
11:07You look amazing.
11:09Drop by my table later.
11:11I think he's into you.
11:13That guy doesn't know how to be into someone.
11:15He's a pig.
11:15All I know is he didn't even look at me.
11:18Nice.
11:21Okay, so should we find a place to sit and people watch?
11:24What?
11:24No.
11:25I thought you were going to cut loose tonight.
11:27Oh.
11:28Yeah.
11:28Come on.
11:29What would college Alex do right now?
11:30Champagne?
11:31Um.
11:33Actually, I think I'll take a beer from your six-pack.
11:37Pop.
11:38Glug, glug, glug.
11:40And recycle that.
11:42Now dance for me, you dirty whore.
11:44Yeah!
11:44Yeah!
11:45I just...
11:47Is that too far?
11:49No!
11:49Okay!
11:57Joey, wake up.
11:58Joey.
11:59Joey!
11:59Hands off me!
12:00I'm an American!
12:02Oh.
12:03It's you.
12:05Are we still in Mexico?
12:07I don't remember a thing.
12:08Well, well, well!
12:10Good morning!
12:11Hey, what's the matter with you?
12:15I don't get hangovers.
12:16This is my most irritating quality.
12:18Now, come on.
12:19Who's in the mood for scrambled egg and fish?
12:22No, no.
12:23Zach, please.
12:25Michael, did you have a good time last night?
12:26Yes.
12:27I don't remember very much, but that girl, Elise, is in my bed right now.
12:30And you know what?
12:30In the light of day, she's still cute.
12:32Yeah.
12:33I don't remember a thing after we left that bar last night.
12:46Oh, I know.
12:49What is this?
12:51Nostra Bona?
12:52Our something.
12:53I don't know.
12:54Why would we have made a videotape?
12:58Hey, what does that mean?
13:01Dios mio.
13:08I think it means our wedding.
13:11Oh, my God.
13:12You got married?
13:14How could you let this happen to me?
13:15Hey, hey, don't blame us, Michael.
13:17You did this on your own.
13:18If I had been there, I would never have left.
13:20Woo!
13:25Well, whoever that is, he's very handsome.
13:28This is how you show me how great single life can be?
13:30You get me married?
13:31Yay!
13:34Why am I going up to the altar?
13:35And what is Zach doing?
13:37This is a weird party.
13:46We're here today to celebrate one of the biggest moments of life.
13:53The marriage of Joseph and Zach.
13:56Wait, wait, wait, he said Zach.
13:57What does Zach mean in Spanish?
13:59Yeah, I'm starting to think I'm not the one who got married.
14:02Alex is a lawyer.
14:15We'll talk to her about how to get out of this mess.
14:17Until then, no one has to hear about this stupid marriage.
14:19Okay.
14:20Wait, wait, wait.
14:21Aren't you going to carry Zach over the threshold?
14:23Hey, how are you?
14:29So, Michael, did you enjoy the single life in Mexico?
14:33Well, Alex, yes, I did.
14:34I did enjoy the single life in Mexico.
14:37Um, Mom, here are your diet pills.
14:39Ooh, full of FDA unapproved goodness.
14:45Look, Alex, we need your help.
14:46Do you know any lawyers familiar with Mexican law?
14:48Well, my law firm does a lot of work with Mexico and Latin America.
14:51What did you guys do down there?
14:53Okay, last night, we got drunk.
14:55Really drunk?
14:56Yeah, and woke up this morning and found out that Zach and I got married to each other.
15:00You did what?
15:04How did you even hear that?
15:05What do you think Grandma will notice first, that he's a dude or that he's black?
15:09What do you think, my family's going to be happy I married an actor?
15:12Okay, no one's telling anybody's families.
15:15Okay, this is what they gave us.
15:16Can you please see if there's any way you can make this go away?
15:19It's all in Spanish.
15:19We couldn't even find the chapel in the morning.
15:21Okay, I'll look into it.
15:22Okay, thanks.
15:24Don't, don't.
15:27Hey, little Joe.
15:28Joe, hey.
15:29I know last night didn't turn out great for you, but it was awesome for me.
15:33Yeah?
15:34Well, good.
15:36I'm glad.
15:36Yeah, when it comes to making, like, a big commitment, I'm going to wait until I have
15:40something, you know, as special as what you and Zach had.
15:44All right, that's enough.
15:45I'm not taking any crap from a guy who was talking about his mother's body all night.
15:49He was?
15:50Okay, you know what?
15:51No, no, no.
15:51We're not talking about this anymore until Zach and I are no longer married.
15:56Married?
15:58Joey, you're...
15:59Well, whatever makes you happy.
16:01No.
16:02Howard.
16:02No, no.
16:03And you know what?
16:04If my hero Joey's gay, then so am I.
16:08Look out, boys.
16:09All right.
16:17Hey.
16:18Hey, what's going on?
16:20I checked.
16:21Joey's marriage is meaningless.
16:23There is no gay marriage in Mexico.
16:24And besides, Joey signed this document, Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bull Whips.
16:30Joey's going to be relieved.
16:31Yeah, but, uh, not quite yet.
16:34First, we're going to have a little fun.
16:36Oh, I like the fun, Alex.
16:39Yeah, just follow my lead.
16:41Hey.
16:42Boy, this wedding ring is the best thing that has ever happened in my sex life.
16:46I don't know who got more girls' phone numbers, me or my wife.
16:50Alex, did you do some research?
16:51Did you figure a way out of this mess?
16:53I did make some calls.
16:54I think you guys better sit down.
16:56What?
16:56What's going on?
16:58Apparently, this document is rock solid.
17:00You guys are married.
17:02No.
17:03We have to file an official request with the Mexican government.
17:07They require that you videotape the proceedings.
17:09Gina, let's begin.
17:12Commencing video request for dissolution of gay marriage in the country of Mexico.
17:17Buenos dias, el presidente.
17:21Buenos dias, el presidente.
17:23Let the record show that the petitioners have wished the president a good morning.
17:28They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani.
17:32Actually, I've chosen to hyphenate my last name.
17:36Did ya?
17:38There you go, belittling me in front of your friends again.
17:41Does it make you feel like a big man?
17:43Can we talk about this later?
17:47When?
17:47After you've had four drinks and passed out on the couch?
17:49Well, maybe I wouldn't drink so much if I didn't have to come home every day to this.
17:55What are we talking about?
17:58Now, under Mexican law, the only grounds for a male-male divorce is irreconcilable sexual differences.
18:05What does that mean?
18:06It means that you would have to describe in detail the point during your lovemaking where your lover became inadequate or disappointing.
18:16What? This is crazy.
18:18Well, I'm sorry, but if you want to get a divorce, you have no choice.
18:24Sometimes when he holds me, it feels like he's not really there.
18:27What the hell is wrong with you?
18:30Joey, now it's your turn.
18:32What is your sexual problem with Zach?
18:34I don't have one.
18:35Zach satisfies Joey completely.
18:37No, don't write that.
18:39Now, the next thing we need is el beso final.
18:43The kiss goodbye.
18:44What?
18:44No, I can't.
18:45I'm not doing that.
18:46If you guys want to get divorced.
18:49No, I can't.
18:50Look, Miss El Presidente, please.
18:52No, el beso final.
18:54Okay?
18:55Look, you're a worldly man.
18:57You understand what it's like to get fall down drunk and marry a dude?
19:02Why are you guys laughing?
19:05Oh, my God.
19:07You're messing with us.
19:09Yes, I am.
19:10Not cool, Alex.
19:11Not cool.
19:13Yeah, you tell him, baby.
19:16We're done with that.
19:18Look, I don't mind a harmless prank, but wasting El Presidente's time.
19:21Look, Joey, I went to one of those bars, and I tried, I really tried, but I can't gay.
19:32I'm sorry.
19:34I let you down.
19:34No, Howard, I was never gay.
19:37Oh.
19:39I really wish I'd known that six hours ago.
19:52Hey.
19:52Hey.
19:54You still mad at me?
19:55No, no, I'm okay.
19:56Because I'm going to get you back when you least expect it.
19:59Oh, by the way, I have this can of peanut brittle.
20:01Would you like some?
20:02It is delicious.
20:06I think I'll have it later.
20:07Oh, yeah, later.
20:08When you least expect it.
20:10What?
20:14You're leaving?
20:15No beso-final?
20:17I gotta hand it to you.
20:18You really got me before.
20:20That was a good one.
20:21Well, there's more where that came from.
20:24What has gotten into you?
20:27Well, I decided to make a change.
20:30I think I need to have a little bit more fun.
20:34What brought that on?
20:37No, no, no, no, no.
20:38Come on.
20:38Tell me.
20:38What?
20:40Well, I've just been kind of hung up on this guy.
20:44Really?
20:45Who?
20:47It doesn't matter.
20:48The point is that I'm moving on.
20:50Well, good.
20:51You should.
20:51Yeah, I'm going to.
20:52Forget that guy.
20:54I already have.
20:54Atta girl.
20:55In fact, last night, I got numbers from three different guys.
20:58Of course you did.
21:00You're cool.
21:01You're smart.
21:01You're beautiful.
21:03A girl like you, you can have any guy you want.
21:06You think so?
21:07I know so.
21:09And I'll tell you another thing.
21:10Whoever that guy is, he doesn't know what he's missing.
21:20Whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:21What are you doing?
21:23This is how I deal with the guy who's got the yaps.
21:25Oh, my God.
21:26What were you doing?
21:27Oh, my God.
21:32I'll see you there.
21:35Bye.
21:35Bye.
21:35Bye.
21:35Bye.
21:36Bye.
21:37Bye.
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