- 2 days ago
When Joey goes to Hollywood to pursue his dream of being an actor, he meets his nephew Michael and ends up sharing a unique camaraderie with him.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I cannot believe what happened to my house.
00:05I know. Let's just get the pictures for the insurance and get out.
00:07All right. How should I close?
00:09I don't think you should be in the pictures at all.
00:12Michael, I'm an actor.
00:14If I use my powers to convey how upset I am, they'll give me more money.
00:18I just need a sec, okay?
00:20Here, here, right here.
00:24Why?
00:25No, that's my bad side.
00:28Why?
00:30Did you hear something?
00:32Who the hell is in my house, huh?
00:34I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite.
00:37Jimmy, what are you doing here?
00:39Oh, you know, I lost my apartment and, uh, you know, I figured I'd crash here a while.
00:44In my burned-out house? That's crazy.
00:47That ain't so bad, you know? I'm used to the smell now.
00:49And after I made an example out of the big one, the raccoons finally respect me.
00:53Okay, so my dad's a squatter?
00:55I got to hear this from my kid my entire life.
00:57People have been labeling me, huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby chaser.
01:01I say to each his own, except for high Episcopalians.
01:04You're either Catholic or shut up.
01:07Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here.
01:08I got no place else to go, Joe.
01:12Have you thought about moving in with my mom?
01:14She'd probably like that.
01:16That's not a bad idea.
01:17Yeah, huh.
01:19All right, it's a big step, but, uh, let me give it some thought.
01:21Okay, great.
01:22All right.
01:22Hey, let's take the rest of those insurance pictures.
01:24All right.
01:25Hey, Jimmy, would you mind lying in the ashes like you're dead while I cry out in anger and pain?
01:29Oh, so they pay you more, sure.
01:30Oh, so they pay you more.
02:00Right this way, Edie.
02:07I'll be just a second.
02:09Oh, my God.
02:10Is that Edie Phillips in your office?
02:12I'm such a huge fan.
02:13I know.
02:14She's the perfect actress.
02:16Critics love her, and so do trashy pinheads like you.
02:19Oh, no.
02:21Joey's on his way up.
02:22Oh, good.
02:23I'm gonna set him up with Edie.
02:25Oh, really?
02:26I always heard she was a lesbian.
02:27Do not say that out loud.
02:30She has a huge romantic comedy coming out, and the public needs to think she's straight.
02:35Okay.
02:35So I don't want to hear you calling her the L-word or the M-word or the G-word.
02:39I don't want to hear about how she V-Zs.
02:42And I don't want to see any pictures of her R-ing some girl's O while some H-K's in the background.
02:50Okay.
02:50Okay, so you want Joey to be her beard.
02:52Exactly.
02:53Well, good luck convincing people she's straight, because everyone knows she's gay.
02:56Hey, I got your message.
02:58Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me.
02:59Oh, Joey, I think you misunderstood my message.
03:04Uh, Edie doesn't go out with men that often.
03:08Oh, been a bit of a dry spell, huh?
03:11Well, tonight's forecast calls for a heavy doing it, with a strong chance of more doing it over the weekend, huh?
03:17Hey, by the way, any network bites on my TV treatment for sexy weatherman?
03:21Joey, I don't think you're hearing me.
03:24It's not just that she doesn't date men.
03:27Uh, Edie H's J's.
03:35It's a little weird for a straight girl, but I'll roll with it.
03:38Oh, my God.
03:39Edie Phillips.
03:40Hi, Joey.
03:41Thanks for doing this.
03:43And I trust you'll be discreet about it.
03:44Let me ask him.
03:47Are you also...
03:48Oh, yeah.
03:49So, I've arranged your date tonight, and I've alerted the press.
03:57I'll walk you out, Edie.
04:00Make sure Joey knows what's going on.
04:05What does she mean?
04:06Well, you know how you think you're gonna sleep with Edie?
04:08Oh, yeah.
04:11You're right.
04:12Oh!
04:12Oh, my God.
04:19Would you look at this?
04:20It's so embarrassing.
04:22The woman I'm going out with tonight is on the cover of People magazine.
04:26Wow.
04:27Edie Phillips?
04:28That's right.
04:29Do I feel a jealous front moving in with scattered showers of regret?
04:34Seriously, talk to Bobby.
04:35Sexy weatherman is the next Desperate Housewives.
04:40I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips the best...
04:44And Joey doesn't...
04:45Nope.
04:47I wasn't charged with telling him.
04:49I have failed to do so.
04:54Hey, Jojo.
04:55Gina.
04:56There you are.
04:58I've been wanting to talk to you.
04:59What's up?
05:00Look, uh...
05:02Things have been going real good between us, you know?
05:04And maybe I don't come out and say it as often as I should, but, uh...
05:08You make me happy in ways that sometimes I feel I don't deserve.
05:11Oh...
05:12What the hell was that?
05:13Do I barge into your private moments and make strange noises?
05:15No, that was...
05:16This is between us.
05:17Look at the table.
05:19You two table.
05:20Okay.
05:23Anyway, I just feel so lucky to have found you after all these years, and I figured that
05:27maybe we could take the next step and, uh, move in together.
05:30Jimmy, I would love that.
05:33Yeah, it'd be good, you know?
05:34I mean, you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
05:37Why?
05:41What?
05:42The table that's on the main side?
05:43Wow, so me and Gina, moving in, huh?
05:52I'm proud of you, man.
05:53This is huge.
05:54Yeah, it's the biggest thing we've ever done together.
05:57Are you gonna make it about you again, like the other night?
06:01Give me some dessert.
06:02Sing me a song.
06:04It was my birthday.
06:06Yeah.
06:08All right, here we are.
06:10All right.
06:11Jeez.
06:12I don't know why she lives in this neighborhood.
06:15Look at this veteran hooker.
06:16Not interested!
06:20Oh.
06:21Hey, Gina.
06:23Welcome home, honey.
06:24Okay.
06:25Thanks for the ride, guys.
06:27See you later.
06:29Bye, guys.
06:30Bye.
06:31Come on.
06:31Let's start our new life together.
06:33Let's do it right now.
06:39All right, let's get out of here.
06:40This is disgusting.
06:41Oh, no, no.
06:42They rolled underneath the truck.
06:50So your parents are finally living together.
06:52Yeah, I know.
06:53It's cool.
06:54I wonder what they're doing right now.
06:55Maybe they're making dinner or dancing to their favorite song.
06:57I can't take it anymore!
07:00What the hell's going on?
07:02That woman is impossible.
07:03I can't make her work.
07:04It's been, like, seven minutes.
07:07I tried, Joey.
07:08God knows!
07:09I tried.
07:09What?
07:10We got green lights all the way home.
07:13I'm willing to make this work, but relationship is about compromise.
07:16Wait, did you even make it inside her house?
07:18No.
07:18The fight happened outside.
07:19All right?
07:21Nobody tells me I carry my bag with.
07:23What?
07:27Table!
07:29Are you crazy?
07:30Look at the table.
07:31Come here, handsome.
07:50Finally.
07:51I mean, you paid no attention to me in the limo, and when I leaned across to you to get that bottle of champagne, I put my butt right in your face.
07:59Could you close the curtains?
08:01Oh, what are you doing?
08:06What we were doing before.
08:08Well, we don't need to do that now.
08:10Well, we don't need to do it, but we want to do it.
08:19Thanks again for doing this.
08:20Please.
08:21Spending the night with a beautiful woman?
08:23What's better than that?
08:24Not much.
08:28Okay, please stop doing that.
08:30Why?
08:31Okay, let me just see something here.
08:45I don't have this completely figured out, but I think when you were very, very young, a curtain did something to you.
09:08Joey, was Bobby clear about what we're doing here tonight?
09:17What do you mean?
09:18Going out with you as a publicity stunt.
09:22Huh?
09:22I don't have sex with men.
09:24I don't have sex with men.
09:24Oh, my God.
09:27So you only H.
09:29So you only H.J.'s.
09:33And to think, I put cologne on my M for nothing.
09:35Wow, this is odd for me.
09:42I mean, I'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman
09:44and there's only a small chance
09:45we're going to end up in bed together.
09:47No chance.
09:48Really?
09:49You must be very gay.
09:52Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
09:55Why do you need to pretend to be on a date with me?
09:58I'm in the public eye.
09:59It's important that I maintain a certain image.
10:02Ah, Bobby told me the same thing, yeah.
10:04That's why I'm not allowed to answer questions
10:06about race relations anymore.
10:09So, we've got a night out together.
10:12What do you want to talk about?
10:13I don't know.
10:15Well, we're both actors.
10:17We could talk about that.
10:18Did you, like, study?
10:19No, I just make it up as I go along.
10:21I memorize some of my lines
10:22and whenever I don't know what to do,
10:24I just put on this big fake smile
10:25and America finds it appealing.
10:29Oh, hey, I got a go-to move also.
10:31It's this devil-may-care smirk.
10:34Eh?
10:36The last TV pilot I did test audiences
10:38found it smack-facing.
10:41See?
10:41This is fun.
10:42Yeah.
10:43Okay, so, um, just to be clear,
10:45we'll hang out, have a nice dinner,
10:47and whenever the cameras are around,
10:49you'll make out with me?
10:50That's right.
10:51Okay.
10:54Hey!
10:56Celebrities over here!
10:57Yeah!
10:58Damn paparazzi.
11:00Hey, how was the weather
11:06for your date last night?
11:07I heard there was a low sex front moving in
11:09and it was unseasonably lesbian.
11:13Oh, great!
11:14So Gina told everyone?
11:15Yep.
11:16Did you two have a gay old time?
11:20I will have you both know
11:21that even though I'm just her beard,
11:22Edie and I had a great time last night.
11:24She's fun, we had a lot in common,
11:26and she'll be here any minute
11:27to pick me up for a full day of bearding.
11:30Beard is not a verb, Joey.
11:31Neither is television or cake,
11:32but I use them all the time.
11:33Michael, cake me, I'm gonna television.
11:38Hey, guys, what's for dinner?
11:45Jimmy, what are you doing here?
11:46I thought you left.
11:47Oh, I did, but me and Gina had another fight
11:48and I needed to cool off.
11:50I gotta tell you, man,
11:51I'm really glad you made me do this, you know?
11:52This living with Gina thing
11:53is really working out great.
11:55Is it?
11:57Yeah, you know,
11:58we've really taken things to the next level.
12:00Okay, let me ask you something.
12:01You say you like living with Gina, huh?
12:03Yeah.
12:03How many days you been living together?
12:05Two.
12:05And how many of those nights
12:06have you spent here?
12:06Two.
12:07You want to get to the point
12:07before the skinny blonde chick's eyes
12:08bore a hole in my towel?
12:11Skinny?
12:12Oh.
12:13Oh, where's that noise again?
12:17Hey, honey.
12:17Oh, hey, baby doll.
12:19In your rage, you forgot your toothbrush.
12:21Oh, thank you, honey.
12:22So you coming home tonight?
12:23Nah, I think I'm gonna crash in.
12:24Sounds good.
12:25Yeah.
12:25See you tomorrow?
12:26Yeah, maybe the next day.
12:27I love living with you.
12:28And I love living with you.
12:30You are not living together!
12:31What are you talking about?
12:33You're living here,
12:34and you, you're living there.
12:35When people live together,
12:37they live two,
12:38one,
12:38two,
12:39together.
12:39You need to live in the same place.
12:44Okay?
12:44Maybe over at Gina's.
12:45Go there now.
12:47Fine.
12:47Okay.
12:50Jim, Jimbo.
12:51Yeah.
12:51Aren't you gonna put some clothes on first?
12:53Oh, no, I came like this.
12:54I was real angry.
13:02Hey, Bobby.
13:03Sorry we're late.
13:04We went to Chinatown,
13:04and then we did some bearding
13:05at the Dodgers game.
13:06Yeah, it was great.
13:07They put us on the Jumbotron.
13:08This one?
13:10Straight as an arrow.
13:11Huh?
13:11She's kissing me,
13:13talking about the pitcher's hot body,
13:15huh?
13:16And, hey, nice touch
13:17using the women's bathroom.
13:21So, tomorrow night,
13:23Joey's going to the
13:24Independent Movie Awards
13:25with me, right?
13:26Yeah.
13:26Here are your tickets.
13:28You are the best beard ever,
13:29and I've had Matthew McConaughey.
13:31Oh, I hear he's good.
13:33Goodbye, Joey.
13:33Bye, Bobby.
13:34Okay, see ya.
13:35Bye-bye.
13:35She is the best.
13:37Hey, can you see
13:38what kind of flowers she likes?
13:39I want to bring her
13:39some for the awards show.
13:40And then, on Wednesday,
13:41we're not booked for anything,
13:42so I was thinking
13:43maybe we should go to the beach.
13:44The beach?
13:46Flowers?
13:47Joey, what's going on here?
13:49I like her.
13:50I feel like we're
13:50becoming friends.
13:51This beard thing
13:52is strictly a business arrangement.
13:55Come on, you know the rules.
13:57Never let her out of your sight,
13:59never let your guard down,
14:00and never fall in love.
14:02Isn't that from the movie
14:03The Bodyguard?
14:05Oh, come on.
14:06Don't mess this up.
14:08This arrangement
14:08is working out great
14:09for everybody.
14:11I mean, people are starting
14:11to think the both of you
14:12were straight.
14:15Bobby, I am straight.
14:16Bobby, I am straight.
14:20Can you hear yourself?
14:27Thanks, Michael.
14:28I want to look perfect for Edie.
14:29This is a big night for her.
14:31You really care about this woman.
14:33Yeah.
14:33You know, it's amazing
14:34when you take sex
14:35out of the equation,
14:36how quickly you can make
14:37a connection with someone
14:38on a deeper level.
14:40That's why I always avoid
14:41taking it to a sexual place
14:42with any of my female friends.
14:48I almost couldn't even get it out.
14:49I know.
14:50I can't do this.
14:55Your sister's crazy.
14:56The situation is untenable.
14:57The situation is untenable.
14:59Jimmy, Jimmy.
15:01Gina's driving me nuts.
15:03Oh, I had to get away from Jimmy.
15:04I can't stand to look
15:05at that bastard's face.
15:06Oh, here's the bastard's face.
15:08Look at it.
15:09Look at it.
15:11What are you doing here?
15:12Getting away from you.
15:13Yeah, well, I'm here
15:13getting away from you.
15:15I'll take Joey's room.
15:16I'll take Michael's room.
15:17Okay, stop!
15:19Look, this relationship
15:20is never going to work
15:21if every time you guys
15:23have a problem,
15:23you run away from each other.
15:25You need to look each other
15:26in the eye
15:27and talk it out.
15:29I don't want to talk to him.
15:30Get her away.
15:31You look like two magnets
15:32with opposing polarities.
15:33Michael, be quiet.
15:34Table.
15:34Hey, nobody tables my son.
15:35His metaphor is apt.
15:37No, you two are working this out.
15:39Stop it.
15:39Get her away.
15:40No.
15:41Hey, okay, fine.
15:42Go in there.
15:42You're staying in there
15:44until you work this out.
15:45Now talk to each other.
15:46Hey, you think you can
15:47keep us in here?
15:48We'll just go through the window.
15:49Oh, sure.
15:50Go out the window,
15:51not the front door,
15:51you idiot.
15:52Call me an idiot.
15:53No, I'm talking
15:54to the other idiot
15:54in the room.
15:56Ah!
16:04Welcome back.
16:06I don't know why
16:07I'm nervous.
16:08I'm not going to win.
16:09Of course you are.
16:10Hey, now,
16:11when you thanked me
16:12in your speech,
16:12I was going to go
16:13for a fake cry.
16:15Now, do you want
16:15just a subtle welling up,
16:16like...
16:17Or do you want
16:19more of a...
16:20You want to cry for me?
16:24Well, someone should.
16:25Well, I mean,
16:25you should be sharing this
16:27with someone
16:27you're in a real
16:27relationship with.
16:29You don't think
16:29I want that?
16:31I think it's crazy
16:32that you feel the need
16:33to bring a fake boyfriend
16:34to this.
16:35But if I am here,
16:35I'm going to give you
16:36what you deserve.
16:38That's very sweet.
16:39You know,
16:41I actually don't think
16:41I'm going to mention
16:42anybody by name.
16:43But if I win,
16:44just know you've been great.
16:46And the award
16:46for Best Supporting Actress
16:48goes to...
16:50Edie Phillips!
16:51Ah!
16:51My girlfriend!
16:53My girlfriend!
16:53My girlfriend!
16:56Oh!
16:58What a rush!
16:59We're going to have
17:00some heterosexual sex tonight.
17:01Wow, this is such an honor.
17:08I want to thank
17:08everyone involved
17:09in the film.
17:10My fellow actors,
17:11the fabulous crew,
17:13and...
17:14Wow, I...
17:15I wasn't going to do this,
17:17but I need to acknowledge
17:19someone who's very special
17:20to me by name.
17:22I haven't known you long,
17:23but you've really
17:26touched my life.
17:27I mean, this award
17:28is also yours.
17:29Please stand up.
17:30The love of my life,
17:33Miss Barbara Switzer.
17:39And let's hear it
17:41from my girlfriend's
17:42laughing soulmate!
17:49Tonight was so exciting.
17:50I feel like there's
17:51a weight off my chest.
17:53So, are you so excited
17:55about coming out
17:56that you might consider...
17:58Sleeping with you?
17:59Are you kidding?
18:00I had to ask.
18:05So, is that a...
18:06It's a no, Jerry.
18:08I had to take a shot.
18:12So, are we still on
18:14for that benefit Saturday?
18:15I don't think so.
18:17I mean, after tonight,
18:19Barbara can do that stuff
18:20with me.
18:22Oh.
18:23So, no more you and me
18:25out on the town?
18:25I just don't need a beard
18:28anymore.
18:29I'm sorry, Joey,
18:30but I do appreciate
18:31everything you've done.
18:35I understand.
18:36It was always
18:37a professional arrangement,
18:39you know?
18:40You know what?
18:41I'm happy for you guys.
18:43How about a little champagne,
18:44huh?
18:44Okay.
18:45Nothing?
18:55Hey.
18:56Hey.
18:57I saw the awards show.
18:59So, the secret's out.
19:00Yeah.
19:01What's the matter?
19:02I thought you wanted her
19:03to do that.
19:03Well, I did,
19:05but then after,
19:06she told me
19:06she didn't need
19:07a beard anymore.
19:08She shaved me, Alex.
19:09Sorry.
19:13This whole thing
19:14was such a waste of time.
19:16I don't know.
19:17It's actually kind of nice
19:18to see you have feelings
19:19for a woman
19:20when sex isn't involved.
19:22It suggests,
19:23dare I say,
19:24emotional depth.
19:26Great.
19:26Kick me while I'm down.
19:28No.
19:29That's a good thing.
19:31Sensitive men
19:31are very...
19:33appealing.
19:37Are we?
19:39Well...
19:42If I could add
19:44sensitivity
19:45to my other
19:46already well-documented
19:47gifts,
19:48I could be
19:49really impossible
19:51to resist.
19:52Could be.
19:55Huh.
19:58Maybe you should
19:59think about that.
20:01Maybe I will.
20:09I think we're done.
20:14Too tired
20:15to fight anymore.
20:16Okay.
20:17Great.
20:18But before I send
20:19you guys home,
20:20let me test something.
20:22Uh,
20:22Gina,
20:23look at that stupid shirt
20:24Jimmy's wearing.
20:25You look like a moron.
20:29Jimmy,
20:29you gonna take that
20:30from her?
20:31I'm gonna kill you,
20:32you bitch.
20:33Hey,
20:37you did it.
20:38You worked
20:38through your problems.
20:39You're right.
20:40This is huge
20:41for us.
20:43Guy,
20:43is it possible
20:44that I feel
20:44even closer to you?
20:45Is it possible
20:46that I want you
20:47even more?
20:48Oh!
20:56I'll kill you,
20:57you bitch.
20:58What?
21:03No.
21:04How does he
21:05pull that off?
21:06No.
21:28I'll kill you,
21:34I'll kill you,
21:35I'll kill you,
21:35I'll kill you.
21:35I'll kill you,
21:36I'll kill you,
21:37I'll kill you,
21:37I'll kill you,
21:37I'll kill you,
21:38I'll kill you,
21:39I'll kill you,
21:39I'll kill you,
21:39I'll kill you,
21:40I'll kill you,
21:40I'll kill you,
21:41I'll kill you,
21:41I'll kill you,
21:41I'll kill you,
21:42I'll kill you,
21:43I'll kill you,
21:43I'll kill you,
21:44I'll kill you,
21:44I'll kill you,
21:45I'll kill you,
21:45I'll kill you,
21:46I'll kill you,
21:46I'll kill you,
21:47I'll kill you,
21:47I'll kill you,
21:48I'll kill you,
21:48I'll kill you,
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