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00:00:00Hello and welcome to TV Board Goal 2, featuring more of my favourite bits from the series.
00:00:26First up, Talking Lemur on Tropic of Capricorn.
00:00:30Some place in the National Park.
00:00:34Sandy kneading the groin by a ghost on Emmerdale.
00:00:42Archaeologist looks a bit like a peacock on Time Team.
00:00:49And Charlie Slater, shocked by his own beer gut on EastEnders.
00:00:53Hmm, what's that?
00:00:56What, I wonder, has Peter Jones from Dragon's Den been up to this week?
00:01:05I'm going to urinate in a funnel.
00:01:10Well, good luck with that.
00:01:12Yes, it's Peter's brand new format, which is not anything like Dragon's Den.
00:01:17Not much.
00:01:18American Inventor.
00:01:21Of course, it being America, things are a little more extreme.
00:01:24This competition is mine.
00:01:27I am the American Inventor, Season 2, 2007.
00:01:32I'm coming back with four yeses.
00:01:36Yeah, right, calm down, mate.
00:01:37He was pretty confident.
00:01:39He's dusty, yeah.
00:01:40He's sure he's going to get four yeses for his special bike.
00:01:43Well, I say special bike.
00:01:45Just how special is that bike?
00:01:47And I invented the A-Cycle.
00:01:49It's the most dynamic bicycle in the world.
00:01:51I've put a full shield over the wheel to make it safer and more visible.
00:01:55Now the bicycle is 100% more safe.
00:01:59It's the most intense rag you'll ever take.
00:02:01That bicycle is a patent-pending bicycle invented by you?
00:02:05No.
00:02:07Okay, he's not invented the bike.
00:02:10What has he invented then?
00:02:11But what have you invented?
00:02:12My invention is the wheel.
00:02:13He's invented the wheel!
00:02:16That's time, too.
00:02:20Who else we got?
00:02:21My name is Richard Desert, Jr., and this is my father.
00:02:27Hello, my name is Richard Desert, Sr.
00:02:29It's always nice to have a choice of desserts.
00:02:33What have they gone up their sleeve?
00:02:36Our invention is called the fire escape suit.
00:02:39It's a safety device that allows a person to quickly and safely escape a burning structure.
00:02:45Fire escape suit, that's a good idea.
00:02:47I can see how that might catch on.
00:02:49Let's see it, then.
00:02:49Richard, Sr., can you hear me?
00:02:54Okay.
00:02:55I'm supposed to put this on and then be running out of my house, right?
00:03:01That's going to trap fire inside it.
00:03:03You can see and you can move.
00:03:07The good thing about this is when you wear it in a fire, you still get burnt, but it keeps the juices in.
00:03:12Come on.
00:03:14Come on.
00:03:14Come on.
00:03:16Come on.
00:03:16It's a cannibal's dream!
00:03:18Oven ready human.
00:03:22But the invention, I thought, was the least likely to succeed was that of Wigberto Delgado.
00:03:28Okay, my name is Wigberto Delgado.
00:03:31I invented the urinator, and it's going to change how we use the toilet all over the world.
00:03:37The urinator!
00:03:38So, what's the idea behind that?
00:03:41The principle is, it's for men to be able to urinate without having to lift up the toilet seat.
00:03:47I've got news for you, mate.
00:03:50We can.
00:03:52Sorry, darling.
00:03:55It was Penguin Week with Nigel Marvin on 5, and Nigel was off to South Georgia to meet a colony of King Penguins.
00:04:02Now, obviously, if you're surrounded by King Penguins the whole time, they might start to get on your nerves.
00:04:08But really, there's no need for bad language.
00:04:11There's not just one or a few King Penguins.
00:04:14Look at this.
00:04:16There's some King Penguins here.
00:04:18Will I ever find a King Penguins?
00:04:21At last, I've found a King Penguin with a distinguishing mark.
00:04:26Well, there's no need for bad language.
00:04:27Now, just what shows should the BBC be making?
00:04:31What was the great vision laid out by Lord Reith in 1927?
00:04:35How would you feel about seeing your favourite celebs dressed in skin-tight silver lycra,
00:04:40then facing a huge wall, hurtling towards them with a most unusual hole in it,
00:04:45and all the while having to bend their bodies into the oddest shapes ever,
00:04:49just to avoid being plunged into that pool of cold, cold water?
00:04:54It's the Reithian vision that is.
00:04:56Hole in the wall!
00:04:57Bring on the wall!
00:04:59Bring on the wall!
00:05:00Bring on the wall!
00:05:01Bring on the wall!
00:05:03A polystyrene wall with a hole in it that tries to knock celebrities into a paddling pool.
00:05:10So, which top celebs they got for us?
00:05:13Please welcome weather girl Sian Lloyd and kids' favourite TV presenter,
00:05:16and one half of Sam and Mark, it's Mark Rhodes!
00:05:19Wahey!
00:05:23And on Anton's team, presenter and comedian Amy Larmé,
00:05:27and the other half of Sam and Mark, Sam Nixon!
00:05:32Yeah, you've got a wall without a hole.
00:05:35The thing is, the whole process of dressing up in the lycra,
00:05:40taking up the position, then being dumped in the water,
00:05:43it just seems so undignified.
00:05:45Well, it doesn't have to be, as Sian Lloyd proved.
00:05:48Bring on the wall!
00:05:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:05:50Yeah, I can't help thinking that if she'd done that a bit more often,
00:06:08a boyfriend might not have left her for a cheeky girl.
00:06:10LAUGHTER
00:06:11Sorry, Charles.
00:06:20Whilst on Emmerdale,
00:06:22someone was in trouble.
00:06:24Well, well,
00:06:25whose pants are on fire now?
00:06:27And whose pants were on fire?
00:06:30ROGNEYS!
00:06:32LAUGHTER
00:06:33APPLAUSE
00:06:34But isn't it embarrassing when Mrs. Hitler calls?
00:06:39You don't want people to know,
00:06:40so you pretend to be talking to someone else.
00:06:43WHISTLE BLOWS
00:06:44Yeah.
00:06:45No, good.
00:06:46So my prognosis was 100% correct.
00:06:50Well, it was a pleasure doing business with you.
00:06:52Thank you very much, Mrs. Hit...
00:06:54Miggins.
00:06:54LAUGHTER
00:06:55Which brings us to our smallest amount of sick produced
00:06:59when being sick of the week.
00:07:01LAUGHTER
00:07:02RISE AND SHINE
00:07:10RISE AND SHINE
00:07:10RISE AND SHINE
00:07:14LAUGHTER
00:07:16RISE AND SHINE
00:07:18RISE AND SHINE
00:07:20RISE AND SHINE
00:07:22RISE AND SHINE
00:07:23There was a rather sinister turn of events
00:07:27on Emmerdale this week.
00:07:29Eagle.
00:07:30You are encroaching on my chutney patch.
00:07:34LAUGHTER
00:07:35No, not like that, no.
00:07:38Please.
00:07:40Edna...
00:07:41Edna was dealing chutney.
00:07:43Yeah, chutney in its purest form
00:07:44can be extremely addictive.
00:07:46First, Bob got hooked.
00:07:48Taste this.
00:07:48Now, now, that is what I call chutney.
00:07:57That is a...
00:07:57That is a taste sensation on the tongue.
00:08:00Yeah, I know, I know.
00:08:01Yeah, and we all know how it works.
00:08:02Jamie then got Nicola hooked on chutney.
00:08:06LAUGHTER
00:08:06Oh, nice.
00:08:10What's in it?
00:08:11Opium, I just can't stop.
00:08:13Yeah, chutney, chutney addiction
00:08:15is a big problem in our rural communities.
00:08:18And it's starting to enter our cities too.
00:08:20So, of course, it wasn't long
00:08:21before they decided to tackle the issue
00:08:23head-on with a storyline on the bill.
00:08:27Next time, on the bill.
00:08:29Molly, I've just come from your flat
00:08:30and it looks like there's been some sort of fight.
00:08:32I saw your spoon.
00:08:37Are you involved in chutney again?
00:08:40I know, she's indispensable.
00:08:42You know, there'll be some explanation for this.
00:08:44I just can't see Molly having anything to do with...
00:08:46Chutney.
00:08:47LAUGHTER
00:08:48Mr Kirby!
00:08:51I'm arresting you on suspicion of supplying chutney.
00:08:54LAUGHTER
00:08:55Chutney, just say no.
00:09:06This was the bill, and for a moment this week
00:09:08it seemed like they were trying to sell me something.
00:09:11Davina, it's getting very difficult
00:09:13to believe anything you tell us.
00:09:14Look, he gave me this first of all,
00:09:16and then he gave me this.
00:09:18And I said to him that I didn't want them,
00:09:19but he insisted.
00:09:22Last piece of jewellery ad he gave me was this.
00:09:24LAUGHTER
00:09:25I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:26I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:27I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:28I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:29I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:30I thought I'd be doing it.
00:09:31He gave me this first of all,
00:09:32and then he gave me this.
00:09:33And I said to him that I didn't want them,
00:09:35but I insisted.
00:09:36This piece of jewellery ad he gave me was this.
00:09:39LAUGHTER
00:09:40Yeah, I'll have the ring, please.
00:09:41LAUGHTER
00:09:42And, er...
00:09:43And, er...
00:09:44I'm a troppomatic hasn't turned up since before Christmas.
00:09:46Yeah.
00:09:47And how much are your Giorgio Zembelly handbags?
00:09:48LAUGHTER
00:09:54Is that all?
00:09:55For a Giorgio Zembelly handbag?
00:09:57LAUGHTER
00:09:58I'll take four.
00:09:59LAUGHTER
00:10:00June Atkin was heading for retirement,
00:10:02so maybe she's demob happy,
00:10:04but she did seem in a rather childish mood.
00:10:07When I left you last night,
00:10:09I saw the DAC and the superintendent.
00:10:12They were kissing.
00:10:13LAUGHTER
00:10:14Ooh!
00:10:15LAUGHTER
00:10:16The superintendent and the DAC?
00:10:18A-K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
00:10:21That's not all.
00:10:22That's not all.
00:10:23I saw them kissing in the swimming pool.
00:10:25LAUGHTER
00:10:26I took it to a sweet shop,
00:10:27bought a bubble gum,
00:10:28and when she wasn't looking,
00:10:29he stuck it up her butt.
00:10:30LAUGHTER
00:10:31LAUGHTER
00:10:32I'll grow up.
00:10:34APPLAUSE
00:10:36You know, I was thinking the other day,
00:10:38what do the TV schedules really need?
00:10:40I thought what we could really do with
00:10:42is an in-depth programme about cranes.
00:10:45This is Mean Machines.
00:10:48Today, we're looking at cranes.
00:10:50From rollers to floaters,
00:10:51from miniature to monumental.
00:10:53Yeah, but I've been tricked
00:10:54by this sort of programme before.
00:10:56I bet it doesn't cover cranes on tracks.
00:10:59No lifting machine on Earth
00:11:01will escape our reach.
00:11:02Not even cranes on tracks.
00:11:04LAUGHTER
00:11:07Yes.
00:11:08It's Mean Machines cranes.
00:11:10But I bet there isn't a crane to help me.
00:11:12You see,
00:11:13I've got a 360 tonne solid steel roof
00:11:16that I want to raise,
00:11:17but I need to keep it horizontal at all costs.
00:11:20LAUGHTER
00:11:21When you want to raise the roof,
00:11:22and the roof's 360 tonnes of solid steel
00:11:25that's got to be kept horizontal at all costs,
00:11:28it takes more than a Mean Machine to get the job done.
00:11:31It takes two.
00:11:32LAUGHTER
00:11:33All right, fair enough.
00:11:36LAUGHTER
00:11:37They've done cranes,
00:11:38they've done tunnel borers.
00:11:39I'd like to see a Mean Machines
00:11:41and the sort of machines you find round the house.
00:11:43This week, we're in the house
00:11:46for Mean Machines ordinary household things.
00:11:49First up, the toaster.
00:11:53LAUGHTER
00:11:54Then finish with a knob
00:11:55to adjust the amount of time your bread takes to toast.
00:11:58LAUGHTER
00:11:59All fired up from a mighty 13-amp fuse.
00:12:02LAUGHTER
00:12:03The toaster certainly is one Mean Machine.
00:12:07LAUGHTER
00:12:08The kettle boils water to 100 degrees centigrade,
00:12:12which can then be used to make coffee, tea or soup in a cup.
00:12:18LAUGHTER
00:12:19Making it one hell of a Mean Machine.
00:12:22LAUGHTER
00:12:23The toilet is one of the meanest machines in the household arsenal.
00:12:28LAUGHTER
00:12:29Water stored in the cleverly positioned cistern
00:12:32is fed via a pipe.
00:12:34LAUGHTER
00:12:35For washing away your effluent,
00:12:37the toilet certainly is one Mean Machine.
00:12:42LAUGHTER
00:12:43But, admittedly,
00:12:44it does struggle with cotton bars.
00:12:47LAUGHTER
00:12:53I was most surprised to see Amanda Holden
00:12:55recreating the title sequence
00:12:57from Tales of the Unexpected on Wild at Heart this week.
00:13:00No, of course not.
00:13:11And it was very sad to see poor Amanda Holden die like that.
00:13:14And in a fire, too.
00:13:16I can't help thinking that it could have been avoided.
00:13:19APPLAUSE
00:13:24Donna!
00:13:28Sarah!
00:13:30Sarah!
00:13:36Sarah!
00:13:39Sarah!
00:13:42Daddy!
00:13:44Daddy!
00:13:46Sarah!
00:13:48Sarah!
00:13:51Sarah!
00:13:53Daddy!
00:13:55Donna!
00:13:57Sarah!
00:14:01Oh, there you are.
00:14:02Oh, hello.
00:14:03Oh, hello.
00:14:04Oh, lovely.
00:14:06Can you hear me, can you?
00:14:07Sorry.
00:14:08Oh, that's better.
00:14:10Thanks for that.
00:14:11Lovely.
00:14:16Thank you, Amanda.
00:14:18Yeah.
00:14:19Good luck with the opportunity knocks things you do.
00:14:21Yeah.
00:14:22Say hi to Paul Potts.
00:14:24Lovely tea.
00:14:26Which brings us to our I beg your pardon of the week.
00:14:31I beg your pardon of the week.
00:14:35Back the bags, we are leaving.
00:14:36Since when does a duplicy letter woman tell him what to do?
00:14:39What's the slowest method you've ever used to cook a chicken?
00:14:46Yeah.
00:14:47Yeah.
00:14:48Takes about a day and a half, but the meat does come out lovely and tender.
00:15:02This was on Best in Show on Five, which offered us a peek into the world of the competitive animal breeder.
00:15:07We met Paul and Nicky, who bred fancy chickens.
00:15:10And what do fancy chickens do to relax?
00:15:13Do you get attached to them?
00:15:14They're like children and just...
00:15:17Couldn't see life without them.
00:15:18Could we, really?
00:15:19They tend to like EastEnders as well.
00:15:22That one likes Emmerdale.
00:15:23Yeah.
00:15:26We have one that like Newsnight, but we at it.
00:15:29I know what you're thinking.
00:15:30If one chicken likes Emmerdale, the other likes EastEnders, how do they change channel?
00:15:34Well, that's easy.
00:15:37Go on.
00:15:39Change channel.
00:15:51Look, change channel for me.
00:15:54That's the colour button.
00:16:02Change channel.
00:16:03Now you've pressed menu.
00:16:07No one knows how to get out of that one.
00:16:13Which brings us to...
00:16:18Which brings us to our TV announcement of the week.
00:16:22Would the owner of cat number 513 please attend to your cat?
00:16:37It is eating the cat litter.
00:16:39I've just got this lovely new red scarf.
00:16:40Yeah.
00:16:41It's an early Christmas present from the wife.
00:16:42It is a bit long though.
00:16:43Where's the other end?
00:16:44Oh!
00:16:45I've just got this lovely new red scarf.
00:16:49Yeah.
00:16:50It's an early Christmas present from the wife.
00:16:52It is a bit long though.
00:16:54Where's the other end?
00:16:55Oh!
00:16:56Oh!
00:16:57Oh!
00:16:58Oh!
00:16:59Oh!
00:17:00Oh!
00:17:01Oh!
00:17:02Oh!
00:17:03Oh!
00:17:04Oh!
00:17:05Yes, yes, it's the H-factor.
00:17:22I think it's probably time for me to come clean and tell you who I'm backing.
00:17:26It's Owen.
00:17:27Yes, because, I don't know, I like his voice, I like his look,
00:17:30particularly that look he does when he's trying to get people to vote for him.
00:17:33And it's a look that I'm trying to cultivate myself.
00:17:36Someone will be heading home tonight, you know that,
00:17:39so they absolutely certainly know him.
00:17:41Give us a call, 0901-6161-106.
00:17:45And it's just my business.
00:18:00Which brings us to our occasional item,
00:18:02The Many Faces of Louis Walsh, number four, Outrage.
00:18:07The Many Faces of Louis Walsh.
00:18:11Danny absolutely made the right decision by choosing that song for you.
00:18:16Because you're doing what you have to do,
00:18:18so you've got to protect your artist.
00:18:20And if Louis, if you don't like it, tough.
00:18:22There was a kind of bit of detective work this week on doctors.
00:18:36Hiya.
00:18:40Let me guess, you had rice krispies for breakfast this morning.
00:18:44How did you know that?
00:18:45Very strong powers of deduction.
00:18:46And you've got a little crispy word.
00:18:50Oh, no.
00:18:54Guess what I had for breakfast.
00:18:57Fry up.
00:18:58No.
00:18:58So, if you look closely...
00:19:02Superpuff.
00:19:09Oh, I love doctors.
00:19:11Because they turn up people suffering all sorts of different diseases.
00:19:15I mean, take this fellow with Questionnaire's Disease.
00:19:17That condition where you can only communicate in questions.
00:19:24Arthur?
00:19:28What are you doing here?
00:19:29It's about that young woman.
00:19:31Where is she?
00:19:32Can I see her?
00:19:33Well, I'd have to ring her first.
00:19:34Did she say anything to you?
00:19:36About me, did she?
00:19:38Well, I didn't know whether to believe it.
00:19:40But don't you see it?
00:19:42And a nice long sleep.
00:19:45What time was it?
00:19:46So, what are you going to do now?
00:19:51Keep handing out your leaflets?
00:19:53Do you think I should?
00:19:55I thought you said you'd got one earlier.
00:19:57Where's my suitcase?
00:20:00The sad case of Questionnaire's Disease.
00:20:02Well, I'm pleased to say he's made a full recovery and is here now.
00:20:06Yeah.
00:20:07Hello, Arthur.
00:20:08Are you talking to me?
00:20:10Yeah.
00:20:11I'm so pleased you could make it along tonight.
00:20:13Oh, you know.
00:20:14Are you looking a lot better?
00:20:17Am I?
00:20:19All right.
00:20:20OK.
00:20:20You watch much telly?
00:20:22Why do you ask?
00:20:24What's your favourite programme?
00:20:26Question Time.
00:20:30I think we'll leave it there.
00:20:31Now, have you ever wondered what's going on in Nick...
00:20:35Where's my suitcase?
00:20:38Just forward it.
00:20:44Which brings us to our TV Burps Pride of Britain Award.
00:20:48Awarded to someone who we feel represents the spirit of Britain today.
00:20:52This week, he goes to Bianca Gascoyne for her work on MTV's The Celebrity Agency.
00:20:57TV Burps Pride of Britain.
00:21:27This week, if you're of a nervous disposition, look away now.
00:21:31You can stick your job.
00:21:33You can stick your car.
00:21:35I'm having with the Lord, yeah.
00:21:39Oh, you nasty.
00:21:41A number of tops ruined several thongs rendered virtually useless.
00:21:45Nearly six quids worth of damage.
00:21:47I swear, the veals and the masseuds had been involved in a food fight.
00:22:02Yeah, and isn't it annoying when you're meant to throw some food at one person, mistake someone
00:22:11else for them, but it's too late to stop yourself and you throw the food at the wrong person.
00:22:15You can cook your food when we're finished our prepping, not before.
00:22:19And if that woman comes in here, I won't be responsible for my own actions.
00:22:22And will you please get to be in?
00:22:26What?
00:22:27Jane?
00:22:29Peter, I'm really sorry.
00:22:30I thought it was her.
00:22:31Yeah, easy mistake to make.
00:22:34They do look pretty similar.
00:22:35The young boy, Peter Beale, and the middle-aged Asian lady, Zainab Masood.
00:22:41In fact, I'm waiting for Paris Hilton to come through that door any minute so I can throw
00:22:45this custard pie at her.
00:22:48Oh, looks like it might be her now.
00:22:50Sorry, Ronnie.
00:23:00I thought you were Paris Hilton.
00:23:03I understand, Harry.
00:23:05Happens all the time.
00:23:11Sorry, Ronnie.
00:23:12There was a new character on the square this week.
00:23:17Now, sometimes they arrive in a black cab, sometimes they walk into the Queen Vic.
00:23:21This one just pitched up on the pavement.
00:23:29Hello, Jack.
00:23:30It's a job.
00:23:32Yeah, a new knitted character, and Jack took pity on him and gave him a job at the club,
00:23:36advising on financial matters.
00:23:39Yes, with interest rates so low, Jack, if I were you, I'd remortgage and buy the money
00:23:42back into the business.
00:23:43You know, the Chancellor reduced interest rates to half a percent this week, so it's all good.
00:23:47Yeah, to be honest, I was a bit annoyed at the knitted character from East End as accepting
00:23:52that job because he's supposed to be working for me.
00:23:55Oi, knitted character, you've done my VAT for this quarter.
00:23:59Um, I'll do it as soon as I've done Jack's accounts.
00:24:01If I don't get it in on time, I'll get a fine.
00:24:03All right, keep your hair on, Baldy.
00:24:04Don't talk to me like that.
00:24:06I'm your employer.
00:24:08All right, I'll do it.
00:24:09You're only picking on me because I'm smaller than you.
00:24:11Just clear off.
00:24:12Roxy's little baby, Amy...
00:24:17I forgot my pencil.
00:24:26Roxy's little baby, Amy, is really growing up.
00:24:28At only a few months old, she's capable of quite advanced hand movements.
00:24:32She's smiling at me.
00:24:34Yeah, you don't need to sound so flat.
00:24:35She's been doing that a lot recently.
00:24:37Yeah?
00:24:38Yeah.
00:24:38Has she high-fived me the other day?
00:24:40Yeah, three-month-old baby already able to high-five.
00:24:43Yeah, she's a real street-wise kid.
00:24:46And you know what?
00:24:47It's going to be our little secret, OK?
00:24:49Yeah?
00:24:49Yeah, nice one.
00:24:50Give me a high-five.
00:24:51High-five?
00:24:52High-five, look.
00:24:53Woo-hoo, that's my girl.
00:24:54Yeah, I've got a baby.
00:24:56He's only two months.
00:24:57Here he is, look.
00:24:58Come on in.
00:24:59Yeah.
00:24:59All right, baby?
00:25:00Yo, how you doing?
00:25:04Oh.
00:25:08I'll change it later.
00:25:10Yeah.
00:25:10Actually, it's not my turn.
00:25:14Let's see what's going down at Rosemary Schrager's School for Cooks.
00:25:18Both teams are boning like pros.
00:25:30Of course, with food, it's all in the presentation, isn't it?
00:25:38You can cook exactly the same food as someone else, but if the presentation isn't quite right,
00:25:42you get marked down.
00:25:43I'm going to be really nitpicky here, because I feel that you've sort of taken it on the
00:25:49whole plate, so it looks rather big, doesn't it?
00:25:52I would have probably put it sort of slightly close together.
00:25:54Do you see what I mean?
00:25:55Port it in a little bit.
00:25:57Just like, even just doing that changes it.
00:26:00Yeah, it makes all the difference.
00:26:02See, I would have thought one way to really improve the presentation of that meal would be
00:26:06to throw a few chips on.
00:26:09Chibi-chi!
00:26:10Some of the would-be chefs did struggle, though, with even the most basic procedures.
00:26:18I mean, I've got a steak and kidney pie here, cooked by Marie, who seemed a little bit gung-ho
00:26:23with the knife work.
00:26:25With an unfamiliar knife in her hands, it's not long before Marie slices more than her onion.
00:26:30Gary?
00:26:31Yeah?
00:26:32Accept that.
00:26:32Let's be carried out, please.
00:26:34You've obviously never used a knife like this.
00:26:37When you use it like that, so be very, very careful.
00:26:39Don't get your hands too close, because it's quite dangerous.
00:26:42It's a wonderful knife to do.
00:26:44Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:26:44Take it slowly, all right?
00:26:46Just take it slowly.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:26:47Yeah.
00:27:01She hadn't even trimmed the nails.
00:27:03Which brings us to our TV expert of the week.
00:27:10TV expert of the week.
00:27:14Adam Crewe will test a model building on an earthquake simulator.
00:27:19To make it realistic, this model is built with spaghetti.
00:27:23Dangerous adventures for boys now, in which Todd Carty and son James were given the opportunity
00:27:34of learning to drive a steam train.
00:27:36I learnt so much about the workings of the steam train from this show.
00:27:44For instance, I found out where the whistle comes from.
00:27:47Yeah, it's all in the type of coal.
00:27:53Yeah, depending on the type of coal.
00:27:55Now, that's a bit of old coal for a steam train.
00:28:02There's a bit of French coal.
00:28:03And this is a bit of old British rail coal.
00:28:09We apologise for the delay.
00:28:12This is due to circumstances beyond our control.
00:28:22Mr. Todd Carty really threw himself into it, though.
00:28:25He even got himself a new look.
00:28:28All right?
00:28:28Yeah.
00:28:29Any enough of the smoke?
00:28:30Shall we leave it?
00:28:31Heil Hitler!
00:28:34Oh, yeah.
00:28:35He really rediscovered the child within himself, did Todd.
00:28:38James?
00:28:39Yeah?
00:28:41Catch.
00:28:42Why are you...
00:28:43You call that front?
00:28:51No, I'm not rising to it.
00:28:53I felt that really the two of them should pull their fingers out a bit more.
00:28:57On their mission, they'll need to keep the heat and flames going for one hour and ten minutes.
00:29:01Hold that in the door there and have a look around.
00:29:03Is the firebox clean apart from the coal you put in?
00:29:05Yeah, it looks pretty clean to me.
00:29:06OK, there's nobody in there asleep on the floor of the car.
00:29:08Nobody asleep, nobody having a kit.
00:29:11What's he doing with that?
00:29:13Sorry.
00:29:13Oh, sorry, Harry.
00:29:14Look up your granny's remote control.
00:29:29The heart beats back.
00:29:30Yay!
00:29:32The story of crimes that were committed in the 60s but that we are seeing now.
00:29:36It was, of course, a simpler time in the 60s, a time when it was OK to pour tea into a woman's bra.
00:29:43Looks like a little bit over the prosecution.
00:29:46Two cups of tea.
00:29:49It was nice to see love blossoming between Joe and an old girlfriend who turned up unexpectedly in Aidan's field.
00:29:55She kissed him whilst shaving and got some shaving foam on her face.
00:29:59She's popped in to say goodbye.
00:30:05Can't you wait until I've shaved?
00:30:06I've got an appointment.
00:30:08New headies don't wait.
00:30:16I'll see you later.
00:30:19Yeah, you bet.
00:30:20Oh, she's going in for another kiss.
00:30:21She'll get...
00:30:22Oh, dear, she's got on her.
00:30:26Oh.
00:30:27I'll see you later.
00:30:29Yeah, you bet.
00:30:30No, don't do that.
00:30:31You'll get...
00:30:32More shaving foam on your face.
00:30:35No.
00:30:39Yeah, you bet.
00:30:40No, don't do that.
00:30:41You'll get...
00:30:43She's caught in a vicious circle now.
00:30:49Yeah, you bet.
00:30:57I'll see you later.
00:30:58Just give him a kiss and sling you up.
00:31:13Elsewhere, Dawn had fallen for an out-of-towner.
00:31:15And, ooh, he was ever so glamorous.
00:31:17Yes, he had a bit of everything.
00:31:19Blimey.
00:31:20What put that smile on your face?
00:31:22His name's Johnny and he drives a sports car.
00:31:24You should see him.
00:31:25He looks like Georgia Best and Jim Morrison rolled into one.
00:31:27And he speaks French.
00:31:29He's going to come and pick me up for a drive later,
00:31:31but I don't know what to wear.
00:31:32What should I wear?
00:31:32Just be yourself.
00:31:33Oh, don't be daft.
00:31:34He's dead posh.
00:31:35George Best and Jim Morrison, eh?
00:31:38Well, me, I'd go more for Engelbert Umperdink.
00:31:42We, a bit of Michael Rennie and perhaps a dash of David Frost.
00:31:48Sean Connery and Paul McCartney.
00:31:51Oh.
00:31:52Hmm, I like George Best.
00:31:54I like Jim Morrison.
00:31:56I like Engelbert Umperdink.
00:31:58Michael Rennie's good and David Frost.
00:32:01I like Sean Connery, but I also like Paul McCartney,
00:32:04but which is better?
00:32:05George Best, Jim Morrison, Engelbert Umperdink,
00:32:10Michael Rennie, David Frost, Sean Connery, or Paul McCartney?
00:32:14There's only one way to find out.
00:32:16Five!
00:32:17Five!
00:32:18Five!
00:32:19Five!
00:32:21Five!
00:32:26I see you all for a break.
00:32:28Come on, Michael Rennie!
00:32:29And you say you are...
00:32:32Who are you?
00:32:42Why do you come here?
00:32:47One day I'll bite the end of that brush.
00:32:56Bye.
00:32:56Bye.
00:32:57Bye.
00:33:02Bye.
00:33:30Bye.
00:33:30Bye.
00:33:31Bye.
00:33:31Grow up, everyone.
00:33:49Welcome back to TV Bird Gold 2.
00:33:52Viagra overdose on Hole in the Wall.
00:33:55Ring on the Wall!
00:34:01Angry Fetus on Interior Rivalry.
00:34:06I'm not happy.
00:34:09Window Goat on Emmerdale.
00:34:11You have got the wrong...
00:34:13And Crab Enjoys Cult Saturday Evening TV Show on Natural World.
00:34:21Bring on the Wall!
00:34:24Dancing with Ice is Back!
00:34:26Hooray!
00:34:28You know what my favourite bit is?
00:34:30The waving at the start.
00:34:32Nice to get a good bit of waving in.
00:34:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34:37LAUGHTER
00:34:39LAUGHTER
00:34:41LAUGHTER
00:34:43LAUGHTER
00:34:47LAUGHTER
00:34:49LAUGHTER
00:34:51LAUGHTER
00:34:53LAUGHTER
00:34:57LAUGHTER
00:34:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35:04It's nice to have a wave.
00:35:06Voice in the Eye's Tony Gubber didn't seem to be quite sure about Colleen Nolan's costume.
00:35:10It's 13 years since the Nolans made that record.
00:35:14Colleen was 14.
00:35:16And with all those ostrich feathers, maybe we should expect an egg.
00:35:20LAUGHTER
00:35:21LAUGHTER
00:35:22LAUGHTER
00:35:23LAUGHTER
00:35:24It's a Nolan egg!
00:35:25LAUGHTER
00:35:26Oh!
00:35:27I think it's hatching!
00:35:28What?
00:35:29Let me just...
00:35:30Get it...
00:35:31LAUGHTER
00:35:32LAUGHTER
00:35:33It's a Nolan egg!
00:35:34LAUGHTER
00:35:35Oh!
00:35:36I think it's hatching!
00:35:37What?
00:35:38The...
00:35:39Let me just...
00:35:40Get it...
00:35:41LAUGHTER
00:35:42LAUGHTER
00:35:43You get the idea with that.
00:35:53LAUGHTER
00:35:54Now, I wonder what it would be like if you got married to yourself?
00:35:58LAUGHTER
00:36:00LAUGHTER
00:36:02LAUGHTER
00:36:04A bit like that, I suppose.
00:36:07Of course not!
00:36:08This was the winner of Ladette to Lady.
00:36:11And it's been a long journey for the Ladettes.
00:36:14They've learnt a lot.
00:36:15The girls must each make an arrangement for the graduation ceremony.
00:36:19And Holly is already struggling with the names of certain flowers.
00:36:23What's it start with? I might get it.
00:36:25L.
00:36:26Lilies.
00:36:27Oh, OK.
00:36:28Er...
00:36:29Lithuanias.
00:36:30LAUGHTER
00:36:32Yeah.
00:36:33We've got a bunch of Lithuanians in our garden.
00:36:36Yeah.
00:36:37Mm.
00:36:38Oh, they do smell nice.
00:36:39LAUGHTER
00:36:40So, it came time for the debriefing.
00:36:42And an interview with Mrs Harbord.
00:36:44Glamour model Louise came in for a bit of a dressing down
00:36:47over her topless work.
00:36:48Even if it was to continue the modelling, it doesn't last forever.
00:36:51And I've realised that I do have to get some qualifications.
00:36:55This needs to go back to its own now.
00:36:59Let's close that.
00:37:01That's a start.
00:37:03LAUGHTER
00:37:05I was wondering when that got you.
00:37:08LAUGHTER
00:37:10LAUGHTER
00:37:14Keeps them all nice and neat.
00:37:16LAUGHTER
00:37:18Her work done for the day,
00:37:19Mrs Harbord then took her two other hairstyles out for a walk.
00:37:23LAUGHTER
00:37:24And so did the big day, and the winner was Nicole.
00:37:31But the others didn't go home empty-handed.
00:37:33No, they got a specially printed certificate.
00:37:35All three finalists received their diplomas
00:37:38for what they've achieved at Eggleston Hall.
00:37:41This is to say that you are a lady from Eggleston Hall.
00:37:48LAUGHTER
00:37:50Thank you so much.
00:37:52Word processing.
00:37:54LAUGHTER
00:37:56Ledette lady.
00:37:57Certificate.
00:37:58Click.
00:37:59And...
00:38:00Print.
00:38:01LAUGHTER
00:38:02There we are.
00:38:03LAUGHTER
00:38:04There we are.
00:38:05LAUGHTER
00:38:06LAUGHTER
00:38:07I've got one too.
00:38:09LAUGHTER
00:38:10And I didn't do the course.
00:38:11APPLAUSE
00:38:12Which brings us to our TV Highlights of the Week.
00:38:23TV Highlights of the Week.
00:38:29Three, two, one, go.
00:38:33LAUGHTER
00:38:35When Sharks Attack Now, a show that didn't waste any time at all
00:38:52getting to the heart of the matter.
00:38:54Shark.
00:38:55Primal predator.
00:38:56One of our deepest fears made flesh.
00:38:59But what really happens when sharks attack?
00:39:02You get bitten by a shark.
00:39:05LAUGHTER
00:39:06Why do sharks bite people?
00:39:08Because they taste good and are easier to catch than seals.
00:39:12LAUGHTER
00:39:13Now, over recent weeks, I myself have been the victim
00:39:15of a number of shark attacks.
00:39:17LAUGHTER
00:39:19It all started with a bowl of shark fin soup.
00:39:23LAUGHTER
00:39:24But as the weeks went by, it became ever more ingenious.
00:39:28LAUGHTER
00:39:31It even snatched a much-loved pet from right under my nose.
00:39:36LAUGHTER
00:39:37And just last week, it hit in a washing-up bowl.
00:39:40LAUGHTER
00:39:41What I have noticed is, it tends to attack me
00:39:44from this sort of area here.
00:39:46LAUGHTER
00:39:47Not sure why, so how should I react if threatened by a shark?
00:39:51Once a shark gets here, I'm ready to engage it physically.
00:39:56Be that just pressing on it, pushing on it, striking on it.
00:40:01It all depends on the motivation.
00:40:03I've even gotten so far as going...
00:40:06I have to spread my weapons.
00:40:08LAUGHTER
00:40:10That's right, you put on your real quick voting face.
00:40:13LAUGHTER
00:40:14I was surprised to learn that sharks can be troubled
00:40:16even before they're born.
00:40:18My arm up the uterus of a lemon shark in Belize,
00:40:23and it was helping deliver babies.
00:40:25I felt this bite!
00:40:26It's gushing blood,
00:40:27but then I realised I'd been bit by an unborn shark.
00:40:30Bitten by an unborn shark?
00:40:32Mm.
00:40:33What's that?
00:40:35LAUGHTER
00:40:36A shark tail?
00:40:37What the...?
00:40:38LAUGHTER
00:40:39APPLAUSE
00:40:50Which brings us to TV Burb Poetry Corner.
00:40:54TV Burb Poetry Corner...
00:41:00Research biologist Mark Marks
00:41:02has spent his working life studying sharks.
00:41:05TV Burb Poetry Corner...
00:41:11Derek Okor is back with a new format,
00:41:13quite different to the old one
00:41:15where he used to go to places in a van at night
00:41:17looking for ghosts.
00:41:18Sam and I don't like the dark.
00:41:20Please, will you put the house lights up?
00:41:22LAUGHTER
00:41:23Don't like the dark?
00:41:25We spent three whole series stumbling about in the dark.
00:41:28What are you trying to say?
00:41:29LAUGHTER
00:41:30ENID!
00:41:31ENID!
00:41:32ENID!
00:41:33ENID!
00:41:34ENID!
00:41:35ENID!
00:41:36Who?
00:41:37Don't like the dark?
00:41:38It's the dark that made you what you are today, mate!
00:41:39But don't worry, Derek is back on flying form.
00:41:40I'm starting with a gentleman, first off.
00:41:41And with this man, who?
00:41:42Reg?
00:41:43And he's also mentioned Frank.
00:41:45ENID, in his younger years, I can see the uniform.
00:41:46In his younger years, I don't know what he was in the Air Force.
00:41:47I don't feel he was a pilot because of his attire,
00:41:48but he's a tire.
00:41:49But he's also called a good guy.
00:41:50He's the hero.
00:41:51And he's the hero.
00:41:52And he's, I don't, I don't know what he was in the Air Force.
00:41:53And he's still like the dark.
00:41:54He's the dark?
00:41:55It's the dark that made you what you are today, mate.
00:41:56But don't worry, Derek is back on flying form.
00:41:57I'm starting with a gentleman, first off.
00:41:58And, erm, with this man, PLEA, who?
00:41:59Reg?
00:42:00And he's also mentioned Frank.
00:42:02I can't watch that uniform.
00:42:03In his younger years, I can see the uniform.
00:42:15He's keen to show me that, and he's transported back into the older age in which he passed.
00:42:21He may not even be family, he may be just known to you.
00:42:31Frank or Reg, anyone?
00:42:35OK. Could, yes, please, could you, microphone plus?
00:42:39What would you say?
00:42:40Good afternoon. My father, his name was Hugh,
00:42:44and he was in the Air Force, and he didn't fly, he was a civil engineer.
00:42:50That'll do.
00:42:56But just as you're thinking, I know this format,
00:42:59it's just like the old Derek Okora format, only with the lights on, he throws a curveball.
00:43:03Right, I'm joined very graciously by a male dog.
00:43:08I can't say it's male. A male dog.
00:43:10Dog ghost! Yeah, the ghost of a dog.
00:43:13So, what message does this dog bring from the spirit world?
00:43:17Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
00:43:22Yeah, thanks for that.
00:43:24But, for some of the audience, meeting up with their dead pets again
00:43:28was not quite what they'd expected when they'd agreed to attend the show.
00:43:31It just shook me up a bit, really.
00:43:34It's not the sort of thing I thought would come through.
00:43:38I was expecting my dad or someone to come through, not my cat.
00:43:47Heston Blumenthal was back with his Victorian feast.
00:43:57I do like Heston Blumenthal.
00:44:00It's something about him.
00:44:08Yeah. Yeah.
00:44:09And he had all sorts of guests on this week.
00:44:12I know exactly what that is. I can't...
00:44:14There's a caramel in there.
00:44:16Oh, yes.
00:44:18Toffee, burnt toast.
00:44:19Yeah, Toby Young. Yeah, I really like him too.
00:44:22I don't know why.
00:44:23So, Heston aimed to recreate the great Victorian feasts.
00:44:33Great. I love learning new recipes so I can then cook them for my friends.
00:44:37Talk us through it, Heston.
00:44:38All I've done with this is made a consomme, froze it, ice filtered it overnight, so it's really clear.
00:44:47Then I just froze it again, put it in a centrifuge, like a vegetable juice, and it spun all of the clear broth from the ice.
00:44:56And then I froze it again in the Minus 80 freezer, and all I needed to do after that was pop it in a freeze dryer, and then simply add gelatine and finish with Madeira.
00:45:10Say it again.
00:45:16I did all that, but what I ended up with is, er...
00:45:20It's that.
00:45:23Yeah, I think my Minus 80 freezer was playing up.
00:45:31I went into Curry's and asked for a new one, and was escorted from the shop.
00:45:34I was most interested to hear what the Victorians did for entertainment back then, in the days before TV.
00:45:43Have you got any information about the Victorians' love for jelly?
00:45:47The Victorians used to put jellies down the centre of their tables, and then they would watch them wobble, and that would be a form of amusement during the meal.
00:45:56What do you say we give it a go?
00:45:58Yay!
00:46:04Most amusing.
00:46:24By the way, you're watching ITV1.
00:46:27Heston was keen to recreate the magic shrinking potion drunk by Alice in Wonderland, which had a combination of most unusual flavours.
00:46:38This fictional drink caused Alice to shrink, and contained the flavours of toffee, hot butter toast, custard, cherry tart, and turkey, all in one glass.
00:46:49This was a magical drink that never even existed.
00:46:52Yeah, there may be a reason for that.
00:46:53The good news is, he pulls it off.
00:46:59Here it is.
00:47:00My Alice in Wonderland drinky potion.
00:47:03Yeah, I've got one here.
00:47:05Let's give it a whirl.
00:47:12What's happening to me?
00:47:14I'm shrinking!
00:47:16I'm shrinking!
00:47:19I've shrunk to a fraction of my normal size.
00:47:21Wait a minute.
00:47:23Down here behind the desk, that's where the...
00:47:26Yeah!
00:47:26Jack!
00:47:28Jack!
00:47:29Jack!
00:47:30Jack!
00:47:31Oh, thanks, Mr. Canter.
00:47:34Yeah, and, uh, sorry I shouted at you earlier.
00:47:37Ooh!
00:47:38I'm getting big again.
00:47:39Ooh!
00:47:40Ooh!
00:47:40Ooh!
00:47:40Ooh!
00:47:41Ooh!
00:47:41Ooh!
00:47:41Ooh!
00:47:42Ooh!
00:47:42Ooh!
00:47:43Ooh!
00:47:43Ooh!
00:47:44Ooh!
00:47:44Ooh!
00:47:45Ooh!
00:47:45Ooh!
00:47:46Ooh!
00:47:46Ooh!
00:47:47Ooh!
00:47:48Ooh!
00:47:48Ooh!
00:47:49I found out who does the sound at the end of the countdown tune.
00:47:53He's officially more daunting than the dentist.
00:47:57How?
00:47:58Glaucoma.
00:47:59Mm-hmm.
00:48:00Have you had your eyes tested lately?
00:48:02No, 2020.
00:48:03Vision me.
00:48:04Well, that glaucoma test is something else.
00:48:06They fire you in the eye with a sudden puff of air, like...
00:48:10Pfft!
00:48:11Pfft!
00:48:12Pfft!
00:48:13Pfft!
00:48:14Pfft!
00:48:15Yeah!
00:48:16Yeah!
00:48:17Yeah!
00:48:18Yeah!
00:48:19You've got to love him.
00:48:21I think my favourite bit of Corrie this week was Steve McDonald having a wee.
00:48:25Pfft!
00:48:26Pfft!
00:48:27Pfft!
00:48:28Pfft!
00:48:29Always nice to see.
00:48:30But the big story was the discovery of an unexploded German bomb.
00:48:34Come on.
00:48:35Pfft!
00:48:36Pfft!
00:48:37Pfft!
00:48:38Pfft!
00:48:39Pfft!
00:48:40Pfft!
00:48:41Pfft!
00:48:42Pfft!
00:48:43Pfft!
00:48:44Pfft!
00:48:45Pfft!
00:48:46Pfft!
00:48:47Pfft!
00:48:48Pfft!
00:48:49Pfft!
00:48:50Pfft!
00:48:51Pfft!
00:48:52Pfft!
00:48:53Pfft!
00:48:54Pfft!
00:48:55Pfft!
00:48:56Pfft!
00:48:57Pfft!
00:48:58Pfft!
00:48:59Pfft!
00:49:00Pfft!
00:49:01Pfft!
00:49:02Pfft!
00:49:03Pfft!
00:49:04Pfft!
00:49:05Pfft!
00:49:06Pfft!
00:49:07Pfft!
00:49:08Pfft!
00:49:09Pfft!
00:49:10Pfft!
00:49:11Pfft!
00:49:12Pfft!
00:49:13Pfft!
00:49:14Pfft!
00:49:15Pfft!
00:49:16Pfft!
00:49:17Pfft!
00:49:18Pfft!
00:49:19Pfft!
00:49:20Pfft!
00:49:21Pfft!
00:49:22We all do it.
00:49:25Dog sofa chariot racing.
00:49:27It's actually been considered for the Olympics.
00:49:31On your marks.
00:49:33Get set.
00:49:34WHISTLE BLOWS
00:49:37Get your back.
00:49:52WHISTLE BLOWS
00:50:22In a few days, the story of the day-to-day running of Chester Zoo,
00:50:25they've got some very talented animals.
00:50:27There was a penguin that did a sheep impression.
00:50:29Penguin numbers are in decline.
00:50:33But the main focus this week was on poor Strolsch,
00:50:37the South American spectacled bear who has the same problem as my nan.
00:50:41Yeah, neither of them are keen on taking their tablets.
00:50:44I'm just going to take the inside of this pear out
00:50:48and then what I'll do is I'll put the peanut butter in,
00:50:50and mix it in with the tablet.
00:50:52It's just that it's inside something that I can just pass it to him
00:50:56and hopefully he'll just eat it whole.
00:50:58Yeah, as I say, we do a similar thing for my nan.
00:51:01She's only on one tablet a day.
00:51:03She has been since the 70s.
00:51:04What we do, we crush up the tablet
00:51:07and we mix it with peanut butter
00:51:08and we stick it in a pear, all right?
00:51:11We take the pear and we stick that in a hollowed-out grapefruit.
00:51:16We then hide the grapefruit inside a cantaloupe melon.
00:51:22We put the cantaloupe melon inside...
00:51:25inside a watermelon.
00:51:27Now, it does seem a bit of a palaver
00:51:30but if she didn't take that tablet and got pregnant,
00:51:34I'd never forgive myself.
00:51:42Bear Grylls is back and this time he's trying to fly over Mount Everest on a paramotor.
00:51:47It's an ambitious project, but safety first.
00:51:50I'd always planned this project to be ambitious, but safe.
00:51:56The bottom line is, it's ambitious, but it's not safe.
00:52:01Well, one out of two ain't bad.
00:52:04Bear's working with his pal Gilo
00:52:05who's worked up a special motor that goes on his back to help him fly.
00:52:09So, it must be pretty heavy.
00:52:15Gilo puts the equivalent of a small man
00:52:17and a 100-horsepower car engine on his back.
00:52:20Gilo has to modify the engine to enable it to fly at high altitudes.
00:52:47As well as the weight of the paramotor,
00:52:49they're carrying 45 pounds of fuel, oxygen, communications kit and cameras.
00:52:56In total, it's 168 pounds,
00:52:59the equivalent of carrying a super middleweight boxer on your back.
00:53:05Get your mind up, Gilo!
00:53:07Right then, come on!
00:53:10Well, fad your arm, I'll drink it, give us a hand!
00:53:13Come on, fad!
00:53:13It's not working.
00:53:20How am I doing it on then?
00:53:22It's all right, boy, how'd you get in?
00:53:25It's not like a pun, is it?
00:53:27Thanks, Ricky.
00:53:27Nice shorts.
00:53:36But all credits are bare, he pulls it off.
00:53:42So, Gilo, what's your next big idea?
00:53:44I've got lots of things I really want to do as soon as I get back to England.
00:53:49Flying cars have always been a big dream of mine.
00:53:52Flying cars.
00:53:53Yeah, good luck with that.
00:53:57Channel 4's I Speak Animal Now,
00:53:59in which James French used telepathy
00:54:01to literally speak to animals with problems.
00:54:04Yeah, right.
00:54:06First up was Nicole,
00:54:08who was having difficulty getting on her horse.
00:54:10Maybe there was a reason for that.
00:54:12Nicole was having a problem getting on her horse, Randy.
00:54:15Well, wait until you've calmed down a bit.
00:54:26No, grow up.
00:54:30Randy's the horse's name.
00:54:33Perhaps you'd better get James to have a word with him.
00:54:35Animal communication is literally the picking up of feelings of animals.
00:54:40What's it mean when he egg butts you, eh?
00:54:42Is that good?
00:54:43It seems to me he's saying,
00:54:45get lost.
00:54:47Mind your own business.
00:54:49Which brings us to our TV voiceover highlights of the week.
00:54:55TV voiceover highlights of the week.
00:54:59With his mouth full of teddies,
00:55:25Jumble's urinating seemed defiant.
00:55:27Natural World Clever Monkeys now,
00:55:37featuring Dave Attenborough.
00:55:38And it's true what they say,
00:55:40you do tend to get a bit more right-wing as you get older.
00:55:44Rivals and foreigners can be killed
00:55:46if you can catch them.
00:55:48All right, Grandad, calm down.
00:55:50This program followed a group of Capuchin Monkeys
00:55:54and they had a surprisingly sophisticated society.
00:55:57For instance, they had regular trips to the monkey dentist.
00:56:02Yeah, that all seems clear.
00:56:05I see you in six months.
00:56:07I recognised a few faces amongst those monkeys.
00:56:10Yeah, there was Bruce Forsythe Monkey.
00:56:16Ricky Hatton Monkey.
00:56:20Kirk Monkey off Corrie.
00:56:28Nicola Monkey off Girls Aloud.
00:56:30And Ant Monkey from Hatton Deck.
00:56:41Wait a minute.
00:56:43Famous faces in the jungle.
00:56:45That rings a bell.
00:56:46Yes, it's I'm a pleb.
00:56:47Get me on TV again.
00:56:49Yeah.
00:56:50And here are some of the stars involved.
00:56:52The public, I think, probably best know me
00:56:58as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek.
00:57:01Because that's the only thing you've been in.
00:57:05Who else?
00:57:09The public will probably know me
00:57:11as Mickey Miller from EastEnders.
00:57:13Because that's the only thing that you've been in.
00:57:16Then, of course, there's Timmy Mallet.
00:57:18Hard at times to remember
00:57:19that he used to be a children's entertainer.
00:57:22Brilliant!
00:57:22It's absolutely, absolutely brilliant!
00:57:24Thanks so much.
00:57:25Yeah, put your trousers up and push off.
00:57:28Now, if the Earth was able to give birth,
00:57:30I wonder who or what it would give birth to.
00:57:35Push!
00:57:37Push!
00:57:40One last push, come on.
00:57:42Push!
00:57:45Oh, it's that bloke from Dollar.
00:57:49Yeah, David Van Day is immediately
00:57:52won over the British public.
00:57:53Make a good meal out of that.
00:57:54After three?
00:57:56God, we'll be full up.
00:57:57I'll be going,
00:57:57Oh, seconds.
00:57:58Who wants seconds?
00:57:59I should be the cock of the camp.
00:58:01You already are, Dave.
00:58:06Now, what do you do if you can't whistle?
00:58:10Whip, whoa!
00:58:13Whip, whoa!
00:58:14This was Snog, Merry, Avoid,
00:58:18the make-under show
00:58:19in which brassy birds are made under
00:58:21to look more normal.
00:58:23First up was Martha.
00:58:24She was out to prove something once and for all.
00:58:27Why have you come for a make-under?
00:58:29Because I want to prove everybody
00:58:32who says,
00:58:32Oh, she's pretty
00:58:33with all her make-up on,
00:58:35but you don't know
00:58:36how she looks without make-up.
00:58:37I want to show those people
00:58:39how do I actually look without make-up.
00:58:41Well, take your make-up off,
00:58:42you daft cow.
00:58:45Then there was Jay,
00:58:46whose role model was Britney Spears,
00:58:48and she had her down to a T.
00:58:50I'm doing Britney Spears...
00:58:51tonight.
00:58:53Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:58:54Oh, fuck!
00:58:57Hang on a minute,
00:58:58I recognise that face.
00:58:59Is it?
00:58:59No, it can't be.
00:59:01Mum?
00:59:01I think it kind of hit home
00:59:03that Harry...
00:59:04Harry was embarrassed by his mum
00:59:06and that kind of upset me a little bit
00:59:07and I thought, you know,
00:59:08he's got a lot going on at his age.
00:59:09The last thing he's to deal with
00:59:10is being embarrassed of his mum.
00:59:12Yeah, a bit embarrassing still.
00:59:13She's family.
00:59:16Mum took the make-under advice
00:59:17to heart
00:59:18and toned it down.
00:59:20So has the make-under
00:59:20changed you for good?
00:59:22It's a big step
00:59:22and if it wasn't for me coming in here,
00:59:24I wouldn't have done it.
00:59:25I'd have been too scared to
00:59:26to take the plunge.
00:59:28I've been hiding behind that
00:59:28for so long.
00:59:29So no more flashing your bits then?
00:59:31Nah.
00:59:32Great.
00:59:34Although,
00:59:35there was a slight caveat
00:59:36to that promise.
00:59:37So no more flashing your bits then?
00:59:39Nah.
00:59:39Well,
00:59:41I can't help it if I'm drunk.
00:59:44One day at a time.
00:59:47I wonder what my mum's up to now.
00:59:49With the taste of your lips,
00:59:54I'm all right.
00:59:56You're toxic.
00:59:58I'm sick and under.
00:59:59Taste of poison.
01:00:01I'm addicted to you.
01:00:04Don't you know that you're toxic?
01:00:06Intoxicate me now.
01:00:08With your loving now,
01:00:10I think I'm ready.
01:00:11I think I'm ready now.
01:00:18I'm ready now.
01:00:20Thanks, Mum.
01:00:22What's for dinner?
01:00:23Nuggets.
01:00:23am I looking at you?
01:00:25I think I'm sick now.
01:00:27You пока cheese on Homes.
01:00:29You think I'm taking a blow?
01:00:31I don't know.
01:00:31Yeah.
01:00:32Right.
01:00:32All right.
01:00:32Here we go.
01:00:33And you go.
01:00:34Go to the entrance.
01:00:43ir