Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Well, if you're feeling lonely, I'd get you man astute
00:05Just bend your ear, come over here, and man, here's what you do
00:10If you got the blues, I got some news
00:13Join in the fun of your blues, wait too
00:15Join the Holiday Rock, the Holiday Rock
00:17The holly holly holly holly holly holly holly holly holly holly ho
00:22Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
00:24The holly holly holly ho ho-go-go-go to the Holiday Rock
00:29Hold them horses' heads up!
00:46Don't let them eat the grass, I've got to scrub them bits
00:50And stop tugging on their mouths
00:52I'd like to have your mouth pulled about, Mrs Kelly
00:56All right, dismount, make a fuss of them
01:00They don't get much in life
01:02Where you been, Peggy? I told you to keep up
01:13And why are you needing tigers? Did he chuck you off?
01:15No, I got off
01:17I felt sorry for him
01:19You're saggy under me and wheezing
01:21It's not sinus trouble, poor old tiger
01:24He's a martyr to it
01:25Give him to me
01:26Right, hand in your hard hats
01:31Don't throw him down like that, you'll break him
01:36Thanks ever so much for letting me have a ride, Fred
01:39I've never been on horse before
01:41Did you enjoy it?
01:43Well, it was all right
01:44But I felt so sorry for the horses
01:47They all look so disheartened
01:49You look disheartened
01:50You have to do four pony treks a day
01:52With great fat campers along and about on you
01:54And pulling you about
01:55I know what it's like
01:57I'd get a lot of that on a Friday night in the ballroom
01:59With the gentlemen's excuse me
02:01And what have they got to look forward to?
02:03One cup full of oats on a Sunday night
02:05The rest of the week they have to make do with a water down with straw
02:08They get so desperate they eat their bedding
02:10I go into them some mornings
02:12They're lying on the cobbles
02:13Don't that give them rheumatism?
02:15They got that already
02:17They're past it
02:18How old are they?
02:20Well, I'll put it like this
02:21If they were humans
02:22They'd all be drawing the old age pension
02:25Well, why don't you get Joe Maplin to send you down some new ones?
02:28Joe Maplin's not horse-minded
02:30He only got these because they were a job lot
02:32Went express dairy, went electric
02:34That was ten years ago
02:36If you don't mind me saying so, Geoffrey
02:41Your hair could do with a bit of a trim
02:44It's hanging all the back of your collar
02:46I haven't been able to get to London recently
02:49What's that going to do with it?
02:51There's the camp barber, Charlie
02:53He's very good
02:54But if you don't like him
02:55There's a very good one down the town
02:57I always have my hair done at Romanoff's in German Street
03:01I wouldn't let anybody but Romanoff touch it
03:03You do give yourself hairs, don't you?
03:06Charlie does everybody's hairdressing
03:08He even cuts the stars when they come down
03:11He cut Joel and Morris's hair once
03:13That's not good enough for you, is it?
03:15You have to go all the way up to London to have your hair done
03:17By some old Russian puff?
03:23He's not a...
03:26Never so crabby, Gladys
03:31Spare a minute, Geoff
03:35Yes, yes, of course
03:36Before we got any further
03:38What do you think of Mr Fairburne's haircuts?
03:42Yeah, it's just haircut, isn't it?
03:44See?
03:45What did I tell you?
03:46Going up to London with new time and money
03:48I hardly regard Ted as the Bernard Levin of the hairdressing world
03:52It's rather like asking a sarsaparella salesman
03:54to judge a 1945 Mouton Rothschild
03:57What are they going on about, Spikes?
03:58Shall we go out and come in again?
03:59No, no, no, no, please, please, please, Ted
04:01Please, please, I'm sorry, sit down
04:03You were saying?
04:04Well, you know you were getting your knickers in a twist
04:06about the pool weeks for Thursday
04:07Hmm?
04:08Well, Spikes cracked it
04:10Tell him, Spikes
04:11It's a competition, Mr Fairbrother
04:12It's called
04:13Who Can Stuff The Most Spaghetti Down Their Trousers Competition
04:16I see
04:17I don't like the sound of that from the start
04:19No, no, no, please, please, please, guys
04:22Fill me in, Spike
04:23Well, you have two members of the entertainment staff
04:26and they each have three helpers
04:28Then you get a load of spaghetti
04:29and on the word go
04:30the helpers shove the spaghetti down their trousers
04:33Is it wet spaghetti or dry spaghetti?
04:37Wet
04:38I see
04:39But without the sauce
04:40Definitely
04:42Where are you going to get all the spaghetti from?
04:44You'll need tons of it
04:45That eye-to-eye restaurant in the town
04:47And all I have to say at the end of the competition is
04:50this extra creamy spaghetti was supplied by
04:52Tony's Trattatoria, 42 High Street
04:54I suppose you get three meals?
04:57Gladys, please
04:59Has anyone snagged it?
05:01Won't all the spaghetti
05:02sliver down their legs
05:04and squelch
05:05out of
05:07out of the bottom of the trousers
05:08onto the floor?
05:10You tie string round the bottom
05:13They use bicycle clips
05:15Of course
05:16I'm sorry to bother you Jeff
05:19But it's about Mickey Mouse night in the ballroom
05:22It's so hot
05:23and those Minnie Mouse black leotards are so clinging
05:26Couldn't we keep the black tights, the big black ears
05:28and just have bikini tops?
05:30Certainly not!
05:31Who ever heard of Minnie Mouse and a bikini top?
05:34Perhaps you'd like to do a tarpless
05:37I will if you will
05:38Or are you too modest?
05:40If I had you a figure, it wouldn't bother me
05:42Who wants to look at an A&M bird?
05:48Muff 15
05:51You will wear your Minnie Mouse costume all over
05:54and no short cats
05:56And take your hands out your pockets, Sylvia
05:59Oh! There's a letter for you, Jeff
06:01It's from head office
06:02Thank you
06:03How long have you added?
06:04A day
06:05Two days
06:06Can't remember
06:08Get out
06:10Don't be so crabby, Gladys
06:14That letter will be important
06:17Sylvia's been carrying it around with her for days
06:20She'll have to go
06:21I've been saying it for weeks
06:22But nobody listens to you, Gladys
06:25Do sit still, Spike
06:27It's me tail, Ted
06:29Don't know how rabbits manage
06:30Well, they don't sit on office chairs for a start
06:36Oh dear
06:37This concerns Fred
06:38I really ought to see him straight away
06:41Sylvia!
06:43Go down to the sabers
06:44and tell Fred that Mr Fairbrother wants to see him
06:47And look sharp
06:49And take your hands out your...
06:51Oh, I give up
06:53Look, worry Mr Fairbrother
06:55Is it serious?
06:56I'll read it to you
06:57And he'd hardly say it's from Joe Maplin
06:59Listen, Professor
07:00I've got a problem
07:01And I want you to solve it for me
07:03It's about them horses
07:05Half of them is always sick
07:07So they're not earning
07:09Tell that demented jockey
07:10To get on to all the knackers yards
07:13And get the highest bids he can
07:15So we can elbow the duff ones
07:18Tell Fred not to worry about replacements
07:21I dropped a bent coal board official
07:23Who's going to flog me some redundant pit ponies too
07:27They'll soon get used to the light
07:31That's a very abrupt ending, is that all?
07:36Ah, yes, yes
07:37No it isn't, there's more
07:40P.S.
07:41Have you made it with that Wells bit yet?
07:48The man's veil
07:49This is devoid of all, all human feeling
07:51He's only asking a simple question
07:54I'm talking about the horses, Ted
07:56All them
07:57This really is going to tear Fred to pieces
08:01Mind you, I can see Joe's point of view
08:04What else can he do with them when they're too old to work?
08:07He's running holiday camp, not a horses home
08:09It's difficult, I agree, Ted
08:10But it does seem so heartless
08:13Hello, Mr. Fairbrother
08:15What's going on here then?
08:17Undertaker's Convention
08:19You have this chair, Fred
08:20I'm just going to see you
08:22I've got to go as well
08:23I've got to see the tennis
08:25Who are you playing? Bunny Austin?
08:26Bunny Austin
08:27Yes, that's right
08:28Hear that, Ted
08:29Bunny Austin
08:34You'd better leave us alone, Gladys
08:37Thank you, Geoffrey
08:42You two had a tiff?
08:44No
08:45Allow me, I've never seen a room clear so quick
08:48Was it something I said or I'm using the wrong aftershave?
08:52Fred
08:53I think you'd better look at that
08:54You'd better look at that
09:24What's all this classical stuff, Betty?
09:25I thought you were an Elvis fan
09:26Oh, I still quite like him, but these days I feel I need something with a little bit more depth
09:40Of course the fact that Geoff likes classical music has nothing to do with this change of heart
09:43He lent me his Wagner ring, so in return I thought he might like a little marler
09:49Don't let Miss Cuth can't find out, she goes mad if anyone keeps animals in the chalet
09:54I just can't work with you in that new ball gown again, Yvonne
10:00It's cut far too low at the back
10:03You can see all your ribs
10:06You look like a xylophone
10:07Well, it's better than having a great fat pot
10:12It's all those gallons of beer you keep swilling down
10:15I noticed you had another half pint again last night
10:20This is the second day running, you've worn your funny bunny rabbit costume, Spike
10:24No, it's just the first one that came to hand, Ted
10:26Tell you the truth, I'm getting fed up with wearing funny costumes all day
10:30The rot's setting in, Spike
10:32The comic who had your job last year, Terry there's a funny face, Drinkwater got fed up as well
10:37He spent the whole season in a red nose and a cowboy hat
10:40And where is he now?
10:42He's doing all right, I hear him on the wireless quite a lot
10:44So much for his funny face
10:46I'm not having it
10:48It's a disgrace
10:50I will not work with drunkards and I will not share shellies with them
10:53What's the trouble, Mr Partridge?
10:55It's that bent jockey, Fred Quilly
10:57He's pinched the whole bottle of my gin and he's out cold on his bunk legless
10:59How can you be so cruel, Mr Partridge?
11:03Poor Fred's Gorris sends six of his horses to the knuckers yard
11:07He's broken our toes
11:09That's no excuse for him to drink
11:11If my memory serves me right
11:13You, Mr Partridge, have been legless, as you so quaintly put it
11:18At least three times a week this season alone
11:21Are you suggesting that I've got a drink problem?
11:25Yes
11:26Sorry related to one, we've just got Fred into the sick bay
11:31He's in a very bad condition
11:32He's drunk
11:34Possibly, Mr Partridge, but he has a very, very good reason
11:37Why do you send him to the sick bay? When I've had a few, you've threatened me with a sec
11:40This is, this is a little different
11:42Poor Fred Quilly, he's got problems
11:45Well I've got problems, family problems, two old sisters
11:48But nobody's sending them to the knuckers yard
11:50I wish they would
11:52Please, please, please
11:53Please, please
11:55The most important thing is that when Fred sobers up, we've got to try and take him out of himself
11:58So don't leave him alone for one second
12:00I want us all to rally around and do everything we can to cheer him up
12:03All right?
12:08Fred's in a terrible state, he just won't come out of it
12:11I told him jokes, did impersonations
12:12And I pulled my funny face over and over again
12:16I can't understand it, it makes everyone laugh
12:19What's your funny face?
12:22What do you reckon, Spike?
12:26What do you reckon, Spike?
12:31Really powerful stuff, Ted
12:33I thought you were looking after Fred
12:37Mr Fairbrother said he weren't to be left alone
12:40No, I've had enough, he just lies there staring at the space
12:44It's so boring, I don't know what all the fuss is about
12:46They should just chuck him in the loony bin
12:47Mr Partridge, that's the most cruel, heartless remark I've ever heard in my life
12:51And if you were a younger man, I'd take you outside
12:54Don't let that stop you
12:55Stary on, lads
12:56You don't want to see the fur fly
12:58You had a very lucky escape from a nasty situation
13:01There, you know, your mate got you out of trouble
13:02During the war, I was put down for the commandos, you know
13:05But they may be going to answer
13:07Ted, isn't there anything we can do to make Joe Mappley and change his mind about having them horses put down?
13:15Joe Mappley's only interested in two things
13:18Money and making his dream come true
13:20What dream's that, Ted?
13:22Having the Queen put that sword on his shoulder and say,
13:24Arise, Sir Joe
13:26But you've got to be a good person to be a knight
13:28That's Joe's problem
13:30He's got a public relations man working 24 hours a day to make him look good
13:34I'd bet if the Queen found out what he was going to do to them poor horses
13:37She wouldn't put the sword on his shoulder, she'd chop his head off
13:41She can, you know, she's got the power
13:42Peggy, you've cracked it
13:46Come on, we're going to see Fred
13:48I haven't forgotten what you said to me just now, you know
13:52When my dander's up, I'm a devil incarnate
13:55Oh, shut up
13:59When you're smiling, when you're smiling
14:04The whole world smiles with you
14:07Ole!
14:09There you are, Fred
14:10What about that?
14:19We did our best to cheer him up, Ted
14:21We told him a few jokes and sang the song
14:23But when we finished, he went and shot himself in the wardrobe
14:26If you ask me, he's on the mend
14:27All right, boys, you've done your best
14:30I would have sung, but no one asked me
14:33Fred, it's us, we want to talk to you
14:37Go away
14:39We're friends, we've got an idea to help you
14:41Go away
14:43If I come out there, I get a big funny face
14:46They're all trying to cheer me up
14:48I don't want to be teared up
14:50Go away, I just want to die
14:53Listen to this
14:55You take them six horses that John Maplin wants to get rid of
14:58And put them in the disused old tennis court
15:00We tell the papers that John Maplin's starting a home for retired horses
15:04He won't dare deny it because he wants the world to think he's warm-hearted and generous
15:09Get out of the way
15:11What's the matter? It's a great idea
15:13Of course it is
15:15I'm just going to write the news to the horses
15:16I've never known so much fuss about a few mangy old nags in all my life
15:22Has it occurred to you that he's depriving cats and dogs of food?
15:25If I had my way, they'd be in the tins and on the shelf by now
15:29You know us, Mr. Fairbrother
15:35We're the last people to complain
15:37What are you talking about?
15:39You're never out of this office
15:41No, no, please, please, Gladys
15:43What is the problem?
15:44Well, it's those horses
15:46They never stop neighing and stamping their feet all night
15:49That old tennis court is over a hundred yards away from the staff, Shirley Lenz
15:53I happen to have very sensitive ears
15:56And once Yvonne's awake, she's like a caged lion
16:01Who has to suffer? Me
16:03I'm worn out with it
16:07Fred did put the horses there without my permission
16:09But the poor man's at his wit's end
16:11I don't want to intervene if he can be avoided
16:12Joe Macklin will intervene, alright, when he gets to here
16:15I didn't hear you knock, Betty
16:19I didn't do one, sorry
16:20Have you finished with the marley yet?
16:22Oh, yes, yes, of course, I meant to slip it under your chalet door
16:25Did you enjoy it?
16:26Yes, yes, very much indeed
16:28Very stimulating
16:29We must have a chat about it sometime
16:30Yes, let's
16:31Ciao
16:32Ciao
16:38What was all that about?
16:40We have a mutual admiration for my love
16:43Oh, have we?
16:45What was all that show business?
16:47Everybody's saying it, it's a sort of Italian greeting thing
16:52Oh, you mean like TTFN?
16:56Sorry, ta-ta for now
16:58It was a catchphrase in Igmar during the war
17:01You remember Yvonne?
17:03I most certainly do not
17:07I was a very small child
17:09We were only allowed to listen to Children's Hour
17:12Children's Hour?
17:14The war's only been over 14 years
17:17I tell you, I do not remember it
17:21I was only 10 years of age
17:24Really?
17:25That makes you 24
17:28Will you shut up about the war?
17:36Hello
17:37What's this?
17:38Third World War broke out?
17:40Second World War, actually
17:43Have you got a minute, Jeff?
17:44Yes, yes, of course
17:45What's going on, Ted?
17:46The local Gazette have just been on to me
17:47saying that Joe Mapplin's starting a home for retired horses
17:50Are you behind this?
17:51No
17:52It's Peggy's idea
17:53You too, Ted
17:55Joe Mapplin will sack the lot of you
17:57And in the meantime
17:58What is going to be done about the stamping and the name?
18:02You see, once Yvonne's awake, she's like a caged lion
18:05Oh, shut up
18:06We're not interested in the way you and Yvonne carry on after dark
18:10Nobody's going to get the sack
18:12Because Peggy's written to the Queen
18:14Oh, my God
18:18She's written to say how marvellous Joe Mapplin is
18:20Because he's going to open a home for old horses
18:23Just read this letter that's been written by a simple girl
18:26Not that simple, Ted
18:29And you will be touched by its sincerity
18:33Your Majesty
18:35You don't spell Majesty M-A-D-G-E
18:39My friend Madge does
18:41I think Joe Mapplin is a wonderful man because of what he's done for old horses and he ought to be sired
18:50Sired
18:57Sired
18:59Oh, I see, yeah
19:01Peggy, you don't say sired, you say knighted
19:04Your loyal subject Peggy Oller and Shaw, XXX
19:09They're kisses
19:11You don't put kisses when you're writing to the Queen
19:13Oh, this is absurd, Ted
19:14Use your intelligence
19:15The Queen gets thousands of letters
19:16She doesn't read them all
19:17Secretaries deal with them
19:18That's not important
19:20As soon as this is in the post, I get on to the press
19:23They'll print the complete story with a copy of this letter
19:26The whole country will see it, including the Queen
19:29And when she reads how good Joe Mapplin is to horses, her ears will prick up
19:33And you'll get the sack
19:35Oh, no, I won't, clever chops
19:37Joe's no mug
19:39As soon as he realises he's in the Queen's good books, he'll jump on the bandwagon right away
19:43He'll be one more step towards his knighthood
19:46What's in it for you?
19:48Believe it or not, for the first time in my life, nothing
19:51You're taking a terrible risk, Ted
19:53I don't want to lose you
19:55Thanks, Geoff
19:57You see, Gladys, I'm getting a reward already
20:00Geoff wants me
20:01Yes, yes, yes, I really do, Ted
20:04Nobody's ever said they wanted me
20:10Larry! Larry!
20:12Them old horses doing ever so well in that disused tennis court
20:16It's all that good grass mixed up with them lovely weeds and wildflowers
20:21They're filling out wonderful
20:23I can never thank you enough for saving them, Ted
20:26When you've got a problem, always come to me
20:28But you'll get nothing out of it
20:29Don't worry, I'll write it off as a loss leader
20:33Take my word for it, Barry, Joe Maplin won't let a common little man like Ted get the better of him
20:40You'll forget Joe Maplin's common as well, dear
20:43Yes, Barry, but he's rich
20:45It's not the same thing
20:47With any luck, Ted will be off the camp and on the way to the station before the day is out
20:51Closely followed by the horses
20:54Then I can get some sleep
20:56Then I can get some sleep
20:58Oh, I do hope so
21:00Hi Geoff, ciao
21:06Ciao
21:07I've got a record of the black and white minstrels if you're interested
21:14Hurry up, girls, you're late
21:19The first court will be here any minute
21:20I'm sooner do one lot of jolly laughing campers leave than I have a lot of jolly laughing campers arrive
21:27It's like a treadmill
21:29Cheer up, you might click
21:31I've heard a rumour that poor Getty and Asses are coming to spend the week with us
21:33Oh
21:38Where's Spike Bean?
21:40He's no business to leave the camp when the new arrivers are dead
21:44You've done it, Ted, you've done it
21:45All the diaries have picked it up, look at this
21:52Highly high GGs
21:54Who thinks up these headlines?
21:56What's the say, Mr Fairbrother?
21:58Holiday camp magnet takes pity on OAP horses
22:01Listen to this
22:04In an interview in his plush Tottenham Court Road offices today
22:08Millionaire Man of the People Joe Maplin said
22:10When the riding instructor at my Crimton-on-Sea holiday camp
22:13Told me that six of my horses were no longer fit for work
22:16And suggested sending them to the knackers yard
22:18He's liable, criminal liable, I'll have him for that
22:20I was horrified
22:22Over my dead body, I said
22:24And there and then I decided to form a rest home for old horses
22:28I wanted no praise
22:29But in spite of all my efforts to keep it dark
22:32Someone leaked it to the press
22:34And said that a young member of my faithful staff
22:37Had written to a certain royal personage
22:39I can't read anymore, it makes me sick
22:41Was there anything in the Manchester Guardian?
22:42On Wednesday, Joe Maplin will be one of the guests in the BBC television programme caring for people
22:51I told you it would work, didn't I? But no one would believe me
22:55You said it was Peggy's idea
22:58I say, excuse me
23:01Who do I leave these with?
23:04I beg your pardon?
23:06Sally is 32 and Captain is 35
23:09And they're both darlings
23:11Absolute darlings
23:13I can't stand long goodbyes so I'm going
23:17But they'll be in my thoughts
23:19Every moment of every day
23:22Goodbye
23:23Goodbye
23:27I shall take back
23:29It was just like brief encounter
23:35Do, do, do something
23:38Hey, we can't take horses yet, we're not open
23:42We haven't built the stable shed
23:44Nothing personal
23:46But we haven't got the room
23:50Never mind about that
23:52Here come the first level campers
23:54Come on everybody, smile, weave
23:57Keep them horses out the way
23:59I hold them?
24:01How do you hold those horses with your hands in your pockets, Sylvia?
24:04I'll see to them
24:11Um, hello campers, welcome to Matlin's
24:15Hidey-hi
24:17Hoardy-hoar!
24:19You, er, you'll find your, um, your yellow coats there, yes, there they are to help you with your luggage and, um, golf clubs and things
24:32It's fine, it gets stuck in, it's fine, the grumpet time
24:35The voice of romance
24:37They must be running out of buses
24:46Now they're bringing them in cattle trucks
24:49Very appropriate
24:54I'm not having this, I'm not having this
24:56We're not open, there's no room
24:58Put them back, put them back
25:00Mr, Mr Quilly, would you, would you kindly explain to them that we're not open yet?
25:03I am expensive as hard as I can
25:06Don't bring any more off
25:08Don't bring any more out!
25:10I say, I say, do you take donkeys?
25:15I don't care how old they are, we're not open yet
25:20You'll be old yourself one day, you know
25:22Ah, clear all
25:23There you are, Mr Robinson, chalet 26, a yellow coat will show you where it is
25:29Thank you very much
25:30Keep those horses out of the pool!
25:50Keep the horses out of the pool!
25:52People only in the pool!
25:53Oh, don't let me eat the roses!
25:57There's no spoon in me out!
26:00Oh, that horse just caught on me!
26:03I'm an arse of stone! I'm an American army!
26:23Party! Party! Party! Party! Party!
26:42Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
27:12I said, hi, hi, hi, hi, ho,dy, ho,dy, ho, go, go, go to the holiday rock.
27:26Yeah!