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00:00Well, if you're feeling lonely, then pick them in a stew.
00:05Just bend your ear, come over here, and man, here's what you do.
00:10If you got the blues, I got some news.
00:13Join in the fun in your blues, sweet tune.
00:15Join the Holiday Rock, the Holiday Rock.
00:17The holly holly, holly, holly, holly, holly, holly, holly.
00:20Holly holly, holly, holly, holly.
00:22Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock.
00:25Holly holly, holly, holly, holly.
00:27Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock.
00:29Holly holly, holly, holly, holly, holly, holly.
00:38Never mind the weather, never mind the rain.
00:42As long as we've been together, once the other day.
00:45Ta-ra-la-la-la-la, ta-ra-la-la-la-dee.
00:49Hold the clouds and join the company.
00:52Hey!
00:59It may be raining outside, but here in the Hawaiian Ballroom, the sun is always shining.
01:04And now we've come to our well-known and well-loved event, the Who Can Stuff The Most Spaghetti Down The Trousers Competition.
01:12On my left, Kent House.
01:15Yay!
01:17They are going to see how much spaghetti they can stuff down the trousers of one of our popular resident ballroom champions, Barry Stuart Hargreaves.
01:29And on my right, the Gloucester House Team.
01:32And on my right, the Gloucester House Team.
01:34And getting stuffed is your popular riding instructor, Fred Quilley.
01:48And now, the man who single-handed, grew all the spaghetti.
01:53Winner of the international prize for who has the longest and the thinnest, Signor Mario!
02:04OK, OK, bring on a spaghetti!
02:11Before we start, I want to inspect the spaghetti.
02:13You want to check on the spaghetti? OK.
02:15This spaghetti's too dry!
02:18You insult my spaghetti!
02:21You say it's not wet enough!
02:22And you're not wet enough!
02:24What shall we do with him?
02:25Chug it in the pool!
02:27You cannot chuck me into the pool because you spoil my voice, you see.
02:31I am also a singing chef.
02:33I show you.
02:35Ursula mia!
02:37What shall we do with him?
02:39Chug it in the pool!
02:41No, no, no! You chuck me in the pool, you shrink!
02:43Come on, splash!
02:48Don't bother to wait for the splash, it's a long walk.
02:52Now, the rules are very simple.
02:53Whichever team stuffs the most spaghetti down the trousers is the winner.
02:57And the prize is a free meal at Tony's Trattatoria, 42 High Street,
03:01which is the best Italian restaurant in town.
03:03And one more thing, campers.
03:05Don't think the spaghetti is wasted.
03:06Here at Maplin's, we really care.
03:08We don't waste food.
03:10As soon as it's been down those trousers, it's fed to the pigs.
03:14Well, the farmer wouldn't let them eat it.
03:16They know where it's been.
03:18Right.
03:19Ready? Steady!
03:20Whoa!
03:21Whoa!
03:23Whoa!
03:24Whoa!
03:25Whoa!
03:30Whoa!
03:31You might have warmed up first.
04:01It's beautiful.
04:08It's beautiful.
04:12It's beautiful.
04:17It's beautiful.
04:21What's going on, Peggy?
04:23How do you know it's his wife?
04:25Because he introduced me.
04:27She's ever so attractive.
04:29You know, swerve and sophisticated like Ingrid Bergman.
04:32Oh, shut up.
04:34Here, hold this.
04:36Don't worry, I'll fill it for you.
04:38Macaroni, bolognese and store.
04:44Ice cream, use cream, cannot get enough.
04:48It's in your ears and up your nose and then between your little toes.
04:52Show it in the sauce until it grows and grows and grows.
04:57Gladys has been talking and marooned us today.
04:59Get off!
05:05If we'd done this earlier, we'd have saved ourselves a fortune in solicitor's letters.
05:09Well, it's all set up now.
05:12Ah, Gladys.
05:14Um, this is my wife, Daphne.
05:17This is Gladys Pugh.
05:19She's my sort of, um, sort of right-hand man.
05:21Hello.
05:25Um...
05:28Where did you leave the car?
05:30Outside. By that funny little soldier thing.
05:34Seen mother lately?
05:35Yes, of course. It was her idea that I should come.
05:38I'll talk to my solicitor in the morning and tell him you've agreed to give me grounds.
05:47I'll make the necessary arrangements to send.
05:50Send my best wishes to Max.
05:52Never ceases to puzzle me why you should want to spend the rest of your life
05:55with a man who looks like a ventriloquist's dummy.
05:57Oh, don't snap that again, Geoffrey.
06:00Shall I see you again or is this it?
06:03I think this is it. I won't be in court if I can possibly help it.
06:08Goodbye, then.
06:25Two cappuccinos and two biscuits, please, Edna.
06:28I'm fed up with you criticising my costumes, Ted.
06:30There is nothing wrong comedy-wise with a funny apple tree.
06:34Let me ask you one question.
06:36Have you considered the economics?
06:38What are you talking about?
06:39How many pounds of apples did you have dangling from your branches before you set off this morning?
06:43Four.
06:44Four pounds of apples. And you've got one left.
06:47Kids keep pinching them. I can't ask for them back. It's bad for me image.
06:51And who pays for them?
06:52Well, I do, of course.
06:54Take my advice, Spike, and never put money into show business.
06:58Hey, come back in the day!
06:59Spike!
07:00What's your image?
07:02Fladdys, Spike's run out of fruit for his funny apple tree.
07:05Any chance of getting some on petty cash?
07:07You can take the lock as far as I'm concerned.
07:10Hello.
07:11Seeing Jeff's wife put your nose out her joint, has it?
07:13Peggy said she was a cracker.
07:15She's not. She's very ordinary.
07:17If she wasn't wearing expensive clothes, no-one would notice her.
07:20If she wasn't wearing clothes, the whole camp would notice her.
07:26Don't come here with you rotten jokes.
07:28And there's no room for you and you silly twigs.
07:32Go on to somewhere else.
07:34Oh, Gladys, don't be like that. We're your friends.
07:41Oh, Glad, what's the matter, love?
07:44What are you doing, Spike?
07:46We don't want the campers to see her crying, do we? It's embarrassing.
07:49Sit down.
07:52Come on, have a good cry, love. It's better out than in.
07:54Tell your Uncle Ted all about it.
07:56He's going back to her.
07:59After all she's done to him, he's going back to her.
08:03Are you sure? How do you know?
08:05Were you looking at the keel?
08:06No, I wasn't.
08:07No, she wasn't. Shut up, Spike.
08:10They were talking when they came out of the office.
08:13She said she should have come down earlier.
08:16And that would have saved all the solicitor's bills.
08:19And then he said he was glad it was all settled.
08:23He took her to the car.
08:26And he kissed her goodbye.
08:28And he waved to her.
08:30Oh, Glad, I am sorry, love.
08:34Mind you, if you're asking me, he's making a big mistake.
08:37I'll never find a better one than you.
08:39Thanks, Ted.
08:40Well, maybe it's all for the best anyway, Gladys.
08:42I mean, let's face facts.
08:44He's a highly educated university professor.
08:46And you're an ordinary girl from the valleys.
08:48Well, no, not that that doesn't make you a nice person, you know, being an ordinary girl from the valleys, but, well, it's chalk and cheese.
08:56What would you have in common?
08:57East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet.
09:00And there's lots of good fish in the sea.
09:02Nobody knows that better than you.
09:10Speaking for myself, I think Mr Fairbrother is quite right to go back to his wife.
09:15Naturally, Gladys is upset.
09:16I'm sure he never gave her any encouragement.
09:19Well, she tried everything, but she didn't stand an earthly chance.
09:22They're poles apart socially.
09:24Well, of course, Barry, that can be overcome.
09:27Look at you and me.
09:30Spread this for me, Barry, would you?
09:33My family were army people.
09:36And your father was a bus conductor.
09:39Inspector.
09:41Well, it's the same thing.
09:42He wore a peak cap and ran up and down stairs.
09:44But over the years, since we've been married,
09:47you've overcome all your disadvantages.
09:49I mean, take the accent.
09:52What accent, dear?
09:54The Nottingham accent.
09:56You had a very strong Nottingham accent.
09:59I wasn't aware that I had a very strong Nottingham accent.
10:02People that have accents never are aware of it.
10:05You used to say, singing.
10:09Did I, dear?
10:11Your father had a very strong Nottingham accent, too.
10:13Funny.
10:14I never remember anyone remarking on it.
10:17Well, they wouldn't when he was checking their bus tickets, would they?
10:20But you persevered.
10:23And with my help, you got rid of it.
10:26Well, almost.
10:28Thank you, Barry.
10:30Thread needles awfully well.
10:32As a matter of interest, Yvonne, when we first met, did I have any qualities which didn't have to be improved on?
10:39Oh, yes. You were very tall.
10:42Yes. Well, you certainly have improved me, dear.
10:45I'm very grateful.
10:47If I'd have been short, would you have tried to stretch me?
10:51I don't care whether he goes back to her or not.
10:55Personally speaking, I don't agree with marriage.
11:00I didn't need it.
11:02I never had any trouble with the birds.
11:04I've got an animal magnetism.
11:06You mean dogs follow you about?
11:09No, I don't. I'm talking about women.
11:12Mind you, I was brought up strictly Victorian.
11:14Of course, you would have been.
11:16When you was a boy, she was still on the throne.
11:19You know, women had a certain mysticism about them in those days, you know?
11:22I mean, you never even saw their ankles, never mind their legs.
11:25Until I was 14, I thought they were solid all the way down.
11:29You wouldn't catch me going back to my wife.
11:32With a marriage, you have to have a mutual interest.
11:35We didn't have any.
11:37I was up and coming, young jockey.
11:39She kept a wet fish shop.
11:41I mean, with horses and fish, there's no common meeting ground.
11:45We didn't even have any mutual friends.
11:48With her smelling of fish and you smelling of horses, I'm not sure.
11:50Sugar in morning, sugar in evening, sugar at supper time.
11:58Ah, Piggy. Glad you're here.
12:00I wanted to have a word with you.
12:06I need a little help.
12:08Is it an emotional crisis concerning an affair of the art?
12:12Well, in a way, yes.
12:14I'll put the kettle on.
12:16Me mother always says that when we have a family upheaval.
12:19She says, I'll put the kettle on and we'll make a nice cup of tea.
12:23I don't know why she says nice cup of tea.
12:25She won't make a nasty cup of tea, would she?
12:27Oh, just a minute.
12:29I'll move me whoopee cushion.
12:32Now you can make yourself comfortable.
12:35I'll put that there as a joke.
12:36The kettle won't be long.
12:48I'm ever so glad you're going back to your wife.
12:51She's ever so beautiful.
12:53You make a lovely couple.
12:55I always say true love will art in the end.
12:58Well, I'm afraid it's not quite like that, Piggy.
13:00We are in fact getting a divorce.
13:02But the old camp's buzzing with the story of your reconciliation.
13:06Well, they've all got the wrong end of the stick.
13:08Oh, I am sorry.
13:10The truth of the matter is that I've decided to get it over with and give my wife grounds for divorce.
13:15Me being what is known as the guilty party.
13:19Oh, really? When did you do that?
13:23Do what?
13:25Be the guilty party.
13:27Well, no, no, I haven't done anything yet.
13:29That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
13:31Mr. Fairbrother, what are you suggesting?
13:35Well, you see, somebody, somebody has to see me being the guilty party.
13:42You mean we have to do it in public?
13:45I've never even done it in private. I'm saving myself, Mr. Fairbrother.
13:49No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Peggy, no.
13:53It's not you, it's not you. Of course not, no.
13:58Well, I've got far too much respect for you.
14:01It's Gladys.
14:03Oh, she'll be ever so pleased.
14:07Oh, no, she won't. She won't want to do it in public either.
14:11No, no, no, Peggy, Peggy.
14:13Now listen, listen, and listen carefully.
14:16I am going to engage the services of a professional co-respondent.
14:21You mean someone to write you letters, a secretary?
14:27No, no.
14:29A professional guilty party.
14:32You don't mean one of them ladies of the night?
14:35No, no, no, Peggy, no, I don't.
14:37I mean, because you see, well, nothing happens with...
14:40We just change into our night clothes and read or play cards all night, and then in the morning you knock at the chalet door, we get into bed, and you come in and see us in bed.
14:57Playing cards?
14:58No, no, no, we won't be playing cards. We'll just be in bed. And when you go out, we'll get out of bed. Again.
15:11What a funny way of going on!
15:14Well, yeah, yeah, yes, it is, but it will enable you to sign a statement saying that you've seen me in bed with, with, with, with this woman.
15:22Here, hang on a minute. You're asking me to do the same as your wife's boyfriend asked me to do. That might summat her other.
15:28No, no, no, no, Peggy, that was perjury. I wouldn't ask you to sign anything that isn't absolutely true.
15:33Hang on a minute, the kettle's boiling.
15:36Well...
15:38Peggy? Peggy?
15:40Well, will you do it?
15:42Yes.
15:44Thank you. I knew I could rely on your help.
15:47You do realise this is strictly between ourselves, and nobody else must know about it.
15:50Of course! You know me, Mr. Fairbrother!
15:53I'm the soul of indiscretion!
15:55There's just one thing.
15:59Would you say it all again so I can write it down and then I won't get it wrong?
16:10Hello, campers.
16:12Jenny Mays and George Bishop have just got engaged.
16:16I'm sure we wish them a lifetime of happiness and love.
16:20And so I'm singing this song, especially for them.
16:25You must remember this.
16:28A kiss is still a kiss.
16:30A sigh is still a sigh.
16:34The fundamental things apply.
16:39Time goes by.
16:42What are you standing there crying for, you silly cow?
16:50I've never worked for sloppy mucking all my life.
16:53They ought to play proper tunes like boiled beef and carrots.
16:56You can't beat those old songs.
16:57As time goes by.
17:00I can't let her suffer any more.
17:02I must put her out of her agony.
17:05Never out of date.
17:08Hearts full of passion.
17:10Jealousy and hate.
17:11Woman needs man.
17:14And man must have his mate.
17:17But no one...
17:19Heidi, hi.
17:21It's still the same old story.
17:24The fight for love and glory.
17:28Heidi, hi.
17:29Gladys.
17:32Gladys.
17:33Go away.
17:35Gladys, I know I promised not to tell a mortal soul,
17:37but I can't let you go through all this agony
17:39just because you heard something that you thought was something else
17:41and you saw something that wasn't what you thought you saw.
17:46Go away.
17:48He's not going back to her.
17:50They're getting divorced.
17:52What?
17:54He's letting her divorce him.
17:56It can't be true.
17:58It is.
17:59He told me with his very own lips.
18:01Oh, Peggy.
18:03That's the most wonderful news I've ever heard.
18:06Are you sure you got it right?
18:09Of course I have.
18:11Now you don't have to worry anymore.
18:13Very soon he'll be totally free.
18:16Oh, Peggy, you're wonderful.
18:18What's going to happen is this.
18:22He's going to get one of them ladies that do it for money down here.
18:26She's going to stay the night with him in his chalet.
18:29And the next morning when I'm taking the tea,
18:32I'll see him in bed together
18:34and then I've got to tell everyone officially.
18:36What?
18:37Geoffrey's going to spend the night with a professional woman?
18:40Yes, but they're only going to play cards.
18:42It's the only way he can get a divorce.
18:45Well, you've got a stranger.
18:47I'd have done it for him happily.
18:48Please.
18:50I'm going to have this out with him.
18:52No, please, Gladys.
18:53I was sworn to secrecy.
18:55You're not supposed to know.
18:57If you start interfering, you might muck the whole thing up
18:59and you'll never get a divorce.
19:01Well, maybe you're right.
19:03But I am going to keep a very careful eye on things.
19:05Hello.
19:06Moving out.
19:07I know.
19:21hello moving out I know I'm just moving my new bed in old one's been broken oh yeah been
19:41bouncing about have you why didn't you get maintenance to do it I don't want to make
19:46it faster they're busy but did nobody teach you that you can't get a two foot six bed through a
19:53two-foot opening let me turn it on its side I'll give you and come out of it Maitland yes
20:04Jenny Maitland good well now after we've done what we've got to do or rather or
20:16rather not done it do I pay you personally or do I send the money to the agency just a moment
20:23what were you saying ah I'll do that then well now I've booked you a chalet and I'll meet you at the
20:48gate at six so you won't have any trouble getting in and and this evening I've booked a table at Tony's
20:53Trattoria the spaghetti is awfully good and we can we can have a talk about what we've got to talk about
21:01and then we then we can we can come back to the to the camp and so on
21:06right I'll see you at the gate at six then bye
21:13got a date of you well yes no actually um it's it's a colleague of mine from Cambridge
21:23an archaeologist just passing by quite by chance oh yes it's a woman actually woman archaeologist
21:40can't be many of those about oh yeah there are quite a few they're usually very plain
21:46we've known each other for years lovely it's nice what's the name
21:53Jenny Maitland nice name Jenny as it's my night off I thought we'd have a little bite to eat
22:04good chin wag with some spaghetti yes with some spaghetti I've been away from the world of archaeology for
22:11quite a time now and I thought it'd be a jolly good idea if she could um fill me in
22:17how old is she it's hard to say what she looked like quite ordinary you're not upset or anything are
22:34you why should I be upset just because you're going out with some ordinary plain looking professor
22:41if you were going out with a dark attractive voluptuous female with a curvy figure that
22:50looked like a French film star it would be different wouldn't it
22:56may we have a word with mr. fairbrother well I think he's rather tied up at the moment we won't
23:06keep him longer than a couple of minutes it's longer very thank you dear each day brings one
23:13more little improvement there you are William tell you still keep the theme but you want to need one
23:22apple how's it going Gladys he's just making the final arrangements it must be going through
23:29well it's against his nature serve him right the trouble with him is he don't always friends are all
23:36the same can't be very nice for you I mean knowing he's having a strange woman in his
23:39chalet all night I mean I know there's nothing in it but well I mean they've they've both got to get
23:44undressed they'll have their dressing gowns on I suppose there's nowhere to sit except on the bed
23:48and they've got six or seven hours together open your mouth spike
23:56keep that there till I tell you
24:00what's the matter
24:17what do you think anyone saw us isn't that the idea well no no only the girl who's bringing the tea
24:24in the morning is supposed to see us damn things are never white enough do you want some cotton wool
24:34for the keyhole for the keyhole no I'll turn the key strip
24:37I've um I've got a selection which do you think hmm this one or this one
24:52hmm the um the first one
24:59you needn't do that yet just set the alarm for five o'clock that'll give us ample time oh yes of
25:25course I was um just going to put on my dressing gown
25:33Tony's Trattoria was was was rather quaint wasn't it yes rather good
25:39did you enjoy your spaghetti rather wet how's your scampi rather odd I think it was tinned
25:51I uh brought some cup so did I
26:03shall I do you
26:08um
26:10can we decide what we're going to play
26:13first
26:14oh yes
26:16of course
26:17I wonder what they're doing now
26:24they're supposed to be playing cards playing brag I expect good game brag if it was me it'd be strip poker
26:34I I feel absolutely terrible do you mind if I lie down I'll get you a drink of water
26:46I'll get you a drink of water
26:48thank you
26:49thank you
26:50oh
26:51oh
26:54oh
26:55oh
26:56oh
26:57oh
26:59oh
27:01oh
27:02oh
27:03oh
27:05oh
27:07oh
27:08oh
27:09oh
27:10oh
27:11oh
27:12oh
27:13oh
27:14oh
27:15oh
27:16what's the matter
27:17he's been up and down all night must have been the scampus
27:21oh no
27:22Geoffrey
27:24oh
27:25oh
27:26oh
27:27anything the matter
27:29Mr. Fairbrother's been taken ill
27:30what happened couldn't he stand the emotional strain
27:33Mr. Fairbrother's in a very bad way
27:36now then Tracy go and get that big bottle of white stuff the doctor gave you
27:40after you've been to Tony's Trattoria last week
27:43and hurry
27:44knock on door go in see him being guilty officially put trade down come out today
27:54here it is
27:56well lift him up he can't take it lying down
27:59what on earth is going on
28:02what on earth is going on
28:03Mr. Fairbrother's very ill
28:05now drink this
28:07I'll go and get some more cups
28:20by the way which one shall I say you've been guilty with officially
28:24by the way which one shall I say you've been guilty with officially
28:31what shall I say you've been guilty with officially
28:42Oh, my God!
29:42Go to the Holiday Rock
29:43Yeah!