- 28/05/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Well, if you're feeling lonely, I'd recommend a stew
00:04Just bend your ear, come over here, and man, here's what you do
00:09If you got the blues, I got some news
00:12Join in the fun in your blues, say, too
00:15You're the Holiday Rock, the Holiday Rock
00:17The holly, holly, holly, high, Holiday Rock
00:19Holly, holly, high, holly, holly, holly
00:22Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
00:24Holly, holly, high, holly, holly, ho
00:27Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock
00:29Down a bit, hold your touch
00:35To your left, your left
00:36No, your left
00:37Listen, listen
00:39You'll never get it on like that, mate
00:41Bring it down a bit, a bit more
00:44I'm only trying to help, mate
00:46You can't keep your nose out of anything, can you?
00:49Deck train drivers have been giving you some very nasty looks
00:51If you're not careful, they'll fill you in
00:53Look at the way it's swinging round and round
00:56It's like when they used to hang people in the olden days
01:00And then they'd put him in a chibble
01:02What a ugly looking thing
01:05So you must admit, they're exactly like Joe Mapplin
01:08Hands up middle of mania
01:09Imagine commissioning your own statue
01:12He's had six done
01:14One for each holiday camp
01:16Just look at that inscription, Ted
01:19Joe Mapplin says, put it there
01:21What it really means is give it here
01:24Well, as far as I can gather
01:27Joe Mapplin's having identical unveiling ceremonies
01:30At each of his camps are precisely the same time
01:32Oh, just imagine six of those ghastly things
01:35All made of solid bronze
01:36Well, it must have cost thousands
01:38And he won't even spend a few quid on the boilers
01:40So the staff showers are working properly
01:42Well, Lenin's at it again
01:43I always use a camper's showers
01:45If security caps will be fine, you'll find a bob
01:48Depends on which one sees you
01:49Crawler, you mean flasher
01:51You must admit, that statue's very imposing, Ted
01:56It won't be in a few weeks' time
01:57When the pigeons have got to work on it
01:58Personally, I think it's bad taste personified
02:03Perhaps Joe Mapplin expects us to bow to it
02:05Every evening at sunset
02:07Good morning, everybody
02:11Good morning
02:12Thank you
02:13I'm sorry to have to call this special meeting
02:16I take it by now you've all seen the statue of Joe Mapplin
02:18Well, you can't miss it, can you?
02:20I think he's gone round the twist
02:21It's against the Bible, you know
02:23Thou shalt not put up any graven images
02:26And that's as graven an image as I've ever seen
02:29Mr. Fairbrother thinks Joe Mapplin's got megalomonia
02:33That's just my little joke, Peggy
02:37Well, now, Joe Mapplin sent me rather a long-winded letter
02:40Outlining the ceremony we have to perform when the statue is unveiled
02:43It reads as follows
02:44And it is, of course, in his own words
02:48By the time you read this
02:50My statue of me
02:53Will be firmly standing on its podium
02:56And will be the focal point of my empire
02:58Same as the queen's crown is the focal point of hers
03:02I made the sculptor
03:05I made the sculptor do it like Churchill
03:08Because I have a lot in common with him
03:10Churchill, I mean, not the sculptor
03:13Who's a bit lightweight and goes to the ballet a lot
03:18I want the opening ceremony like this
03:24I did try to book the band of the Coldstream Guards
03:27But no luck
03:28So get Bert Swanly and the Debonairs
03:31And tell him to bung in another trumpet
03:34I played a trumpet
03:37I was in a brass band for years
03:38Jolly, jolly good, Fred
03:41I'll have a word with Bert
03:42Now, I want each member of staff
03:45To make a speech about yours truly
03:47And what I done for them
03:49I want even the most humble
03:51Get a chalet made to do a bit
03:52That's you, Peggy
03:53Lay the gratitude on thick
03:56And when they done
03:57Get the band to play that bit
03:59From the opera Ada
04:01Where the gods come on
04:02I think, I think he means Aida
04:06I want you to do the unveiling
04:10I know that be
04:11That's, um, that's me
04:12I know that being a dab hand
04:14At all that historical stuff
04:16You won't be short of things to say about me
04:18E.g. compare me with the Greek gods
04:21Etc, etc
04:22And when you done that
04:25I enclose a bit for you to learn
04:27So that you
04:27That's, that's this bit there
04:29For you to learn
04:31So that you and the other entertainment managers
04:33Does it identical
04:34When you said it
04:36Pull the string
04:37And I stand there exposed for all eternity
04:40Mussolini went like that, you know
04:45He had statues of himself put up all over the place
04:49And in the end they hung it from a lamp-o
04:51He was in Italian, of course
04:53We don't really have to make speeches
04:56Praising Joe Maplin, do we, Mr. Fairbrother?
04:58If I don't feel it in my heart
05:00I just can't do it
05:01But I sympathise with you entirely, Spike
05:03I feel very much the same
05:04But I'm a realist
05:04With Joe Maplin, there's no compromise
05:07You either go along with him
05:08Or you, um, you resign
05:10You're not going to do that, are you?
05:12Well, not over this issue
05:13No, I think it's so pompous
05:14It's laughable
05:15I don't mind groveling
05:16I spend half my life on my knees anyway
05:18I'd wriggle on my stomach
05:20If I thought Joe Maplin
05:21He'd give me a yellow coat
05:22You'll be wasting your time, Peggy
05:24Joe Maplin is going to the ceremony
05:27In Cambassans
05:28He sent his sidekick down here
05:30Harold Fox
05:32Oh, blimey
05:34Not the smiling viper
05:35Has he anything to do
05:37With making people yellow coats?
05:39Be quiet, Peggy
05:40Smiling viper, Ted
05:41That's a bit of a contradiction in terms
05:43Oh, no
05:44He's Joe Maplin's favourite hatchet man
05:46He sent him to America
05:47On one of them business courses
05:48And he's certainly learnt a lot
05:50Nothing gets past him
05:51He's got a degree in mucky tricks
05:53I'm sure we've got nothing to worry about
05:58About ten
05:58Just one word of warning
06:00With the smiling viper about
06:02Watch your bags
06:04Well, I want you all to work out
06:07Some complimentary things to say
06:08About Mr. Maplin
06:09And we'll have a quick run through
06:10Tomorrow evening
06:11While the campus are at dinner
06:12All right?
06:13Good
06:14Hoody
06:15Heidi, hi
06:15Hoody, hoody
06:17It's very good
06:18What on earth's the matter with you, Spike?
06:28You're like a caged tiger
06:29Well, how could I think of complimentary things to say
06:31About Joe Maplin?
06:32I just don't like doing it, Ted
06:34You know my principles
06:35This sum of all
06:37To thine own self
06:38Be true
06:38What's that got to do with the price of fee?
06:40I don't want to get up on my feet
06:44In front of a crowd of people
06:45And tell a pack of lies about Joe Maplin
06:46You're obsessed with the truth, Spike
06:49And it'll get you into a lot of trouble
06:51One of these days
06:52People don't want to hear the truth
06:53They don't want to hear that
06:55Joe Maplin's a greedy crook
06:56They want the legend
06:57Joe Maplin, Mr. Nice Guy
06:59But it's all lies
07:01That doesn't matter, Spike
07:02You've got to take a lesson from history
07:04Look at that Mark Anthony
07:06Who came to Rome to bury the Kaiser
07:07That wasn't that Kaiser
07:12That was Caesar
07:13Well, whoever it was
07:16He buried him instead of praising him
07:17Look how he ended up
07:20Putting that tart clear pasture in the family way
07:22And the Jews have been fighting the Arabs ever since
07:25I don't think that's quite right, Ted
07:28You're getting too involved with camp politics
07:32You've got to take yourself out of yourself
07:34I'll tell you what
07:35Come with me tomorrow night
07:37Tell me mystery to her
07:38Wear one of your funny costumes
07:40Give the campers a laugh
07:41Yeah, I'd like that, Ted
07:43Good
07:43That's settled then
07:44Mind you
07:45It won't alter my opinion about Joe Maplin
07:47Go and boil your head
07:50Go and boil your head
07:51ma'am
07:52Go and boil your head
07:52You're getting to your head
07:53All right, Ted
07:55All right
07:56Go and I'll catch up
07:57All right
07:57or should I'm doing
07:58Gotta go and eat
07:58Go and eat
07:59and eat
08:00And eat
08:00And eat
08:02and eat
08:03That was terrible.
08:26Do you realise you're tone deaf?
08:28Shut up, you're putting me off.
08:29Go stand over there with the other crawlers.
08:31Well, right, everybody, we'll have one more run-through.
08:35Wait a minute. I'm not happy about Peggy's bit.
08:41What's wrong with it? It's nice, short to the point.
08:44Don't give her a lot. She'll only mess it up.
08:47What are you whispering about?
08:48I'm just saying, I think you're a bit too short, love.
08:51It's not my fault. Gladys wrote it for me.
08:54I didn't want to make a fool of herself.
08:58You're whispering again.
08:59Come up and do it for him once more, dear.
09:01Right.
09:06I think Joe Mappin is a nice, kind man and has been very good to me.
09:11All right. Thank you, dear.
09:14You see, Geoff, there's no dramatic impact there.
09:18The thing is, Ted, can she give it a dramatic impact?
09:20Of course she can't.
09:22She's only a charlie maid.
09:24She's not her gobbler.
09:25Um, if I may just shove in my fault, Pennyworth.
09:30Personally, I think she's quite capable of it, Ted.
09:33You're whispering again.
09:35What were you saying?
09:36It's all right, dear.
09:37I won't be a minute.
09:38I think she should snivel.
09:42Why should she snivel, Ted?
09:44Well, she's a charlie maid.
09:45I think Ted's right.
09:47Snivelling is quite in keeping with the character of a charlie maid.
09:49Yes, yes, possibly.
09:55Go up and do it again, dear.
09:58I think this is all nonsense.
10:00Well, I don't agree, ladies.
10:01What we've got to ask ourselves is what are we after here?
10:05I think the key is grassroots.
10:09I'll tell her.
10:11They want you to snivel.
10:13What for?
10:14You're supposed to be a charlie maid.
10:16Well, I'm a charlie maid, but I don't snivel.
10:18What you've got to say is this.
10:20I was a penniless orphan, starving and in rags.
10:23And Joe Maplin dragged me out of the gutter and made me what I am today.
10:26I can't say that.
10:27My mother would kill me.
10:29Sorry, Peggy, just for me.
10:32Oh, yeah, and when you snivel,
10:33wipe the back of your hand across your nose.
10:37I was a penniless orphan, starving and in rags.
10:41Joe Maplin dragged me out of the gutter
10:43and made me where I am today.
10:46Where you been, Jeff?
10:50I think that's quite dreadful.
10:54I agree.
10:55Do what you did before, dear.
10:57Are we going to be here much longer, Mr Fairbrother?
10:59The campers will have nearly finished their dinner by now.
11:02I will not rehearse with those campers gawping at me
11:04and sucking their teeth.
11:06Well, we'll just run it through once more very quickly.
11:08Places, everyone.
11:10I don't think we've got time, Mr Fairbrother.
11:12Look, some of them are coming out already.
11:14Are they sucking their teeth?
11:15Mr Fairbrother, we don't need to do it again.
11:18We're professional artists.
11:21You don't need to do it again, do you?
11:23No.
11:23Come on, the pub's open.
11:24No, you, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.
11:26I haven't done my last speech yet,
11:28or the actual pulling of the, um, of the...
11:31All right, but make it snappy.
11:33Joe Mapp...
11:41This will be on when it did, yes.
11:45Um...
11:45Joe Mapplin is a famous citizen of this land.
11:49The ancient Greeks had a saying which went as follows.
11:52Gladys, you're going to have to stop him going on about the ancient Greeks.
11:56You know the campers won't stand for it.
11:58How can I stop him?
12:00He don't take no notice of me.
12:02You, Ted.
12:04Look, if I may just put in my thought, Pennyworth, once again,
12:07I think it should be short and to the point.
12:09To whom he gave a decent, decent, decent...
12:12Mr Fairbrother, they're whispering about you.
12:15He did it to me.
12:17Destroys your confidence, doesn't it?
12:20Ted?
12:21Excuse me, is anything the matter?
12:24Tell him, Spike.
12:26Er, well, with respect, Mr Fairbrother,
12:29we think it should be short and to the point.
12:31And elbow the Greeks.
12:34I think they're right, Geoffrey.
12:36It's too long.
12:37I'm damn certain it's too long.
12:40I'm boring as well.
12:44It is just a teeny-weeny bit too long, Mr Fairbrother.
12:47All right, all right, all right, all right.
12:49All right.
12:50Point taken.
12:54Let's read the bit that Joe Mapplin sent me and pull the thing.
12:59Everyone who comes here is part of Joe Mapplin's family.
13:05And today, at this precise hour of 11.30,
13:07that family is gathered together in all his holiday camps
13:10to watch their entertainment managers unveil his statue.
13:13And it gives me great pleasure to do this.
13:17It gives me great pleasure to do...
13:19He said it won't work.
13:20Come on, Rebbit.
13:21Oh, Jeff!
13:31Oh, Jeff!
13:32Jeff!
13:36Right, folks, step this way for 10th mystery tour.
13:39Have your money ready.
13:41Come on, darling.
13:41where are we going if I told you that it wouldn't be a mystery ah here comes a
13:48stupid pump correction please I am the student Prince tonight we are going to
13:53drink some beer now I don't know they call it Ted's mystery to her it's just
14:05an organized pep crowd where it keeps the campus happy Gladys do you know why he does it all the
14:12landlords give him free drinks to bribe him to take the campers into their pubs surely even Ted
14:17can't drink more than about six pints oh not a bit of it brings it back in carrier bags
14:22it's gonna hand it to Taylor campus worship well that's all very well but spikes a nice
14:40well brought up by I'm very fond of him I don't want to see Ted leaving him astray
14:52that should last for a day too
14:55you're gonna have to watch this drinking business you know you could become an alcoholic don't care
15:17do you realize you are very drunk and you are very aggressive you've been going on about Joe
15:23Maplin all night I hate him you didn't have to tell the campers as soon as you'd had a few you kept
15:29standing up and saying that to Joe Maplin I hate him he's a hippo a hippo a hippo
15:36botimus no crit spike you are extremely drunk and very maudlin now I know a lot of great comedians
15:45get drunk and maudlin but you are not a great comedian so there's no excuse come on I'll put
15:51you to bed I need you that shower I feel terrible I've had an awful night you've had an awful night
16:08you must have walked me up a dozen times you were up and down up and down you were gone for over an
16:13hour once I thought you slipped down the plughole I've got all this colored paint on my hands where
16:19did we go where there was wet paint I don't know you were falling about all over the place
16:23good slip it on will you then you're all the same you can't even dress yourself you're useless
16:36what's all that stuff on your hands it won't wash off course it won't wash off its paint I'll get some
16:44turds that girl's a treasure make somebody a wonderful wife but not me come in sorry to bother you Ted but the um the unveiling
17:00unveiling hello spike the um unveiling ceremonies at 11 30 I'm still a bit worried about that um that pulling
17:06well you keep giving it little tugs instead of one strong pull I set my mind at rest and try it a few
17:11times do you mind coming with me yeah all right you better come too spike the fresh air will do you good
17:16oh jeffrey I've just been for an early morning tip very refreshing tightens up the skin makes it all
17:29tingly hello hope it's not going to rain Ted a lot of cloud about I'll take a firm grip and give it a
17:40strong pull I got it um all that stuff about entertainment managers etc etc etc etc etc etc and then
17:49um then it gives me great pleasure to do this
17:52I've got to do a thing like that it's dreadful Mr. Fairbrother I've got some turps hold out your
18:08hand spike and you shut up as well and don't say a word Jeff spike and I think this must be the
18:14work of a vandal perhaps some disgruntled camper we may have to cancel the ceremony I want to see
18:18everybody in my office as quickly as possible and for goodness sake cover that thing up
18:21Jeffrey I now listen to me spike when we get in the office keep your mouth shut under no
18:27circumstances are you to utter one single word understood all right if you say so Ted
18:38attention please well everybody it looks as though we're going to have to cancel the unveiling
18:51spike and me are both appalled at this outrageous vandalism to our benefactor Joe Maplin and we
18:57cannot imagine who would perpetrate such an insult I did it Mr. Fairbrother
19:01oh blimey what did you say I did it why I was drunk there we are what'd I tell you it's all Ted's fault
19:15leading him astray it's not his fault Joe Maplin shouldn't have done a graven image it's all in
19:21the Bible I admire you spike I wish I had your guts I think it's an improvement it shows what Joe
19:28Maplin really is a stupid clown couldn't agree more we're seeing in a new light spike yeah we
19:34always thought of you as wet but you don't understand any of you I've done wrong don't
19:39you see I've ruined everything no no no calm calm down spike we all know that this must have been a
19:43sudden impulse quite at odds with your character and you wouldn't have done it if you if you hadn't
19:46sort of been made drunk by Ted Borvis it's all his fault he's ruined spikes Korea he's the one who
19:54ought to be on the carpet now listen here Gladys hurling insults at each other is getting us
19:59nowhere what are you going to do about the statue Mr. Fairbrother I'll clean the paint off I've got a
20:05bottle of turks in a rag it'll take weeks his oil paint is dried hard when you've all stopped getting
20:12hysterical Ted Borvis the villain of the piece will tell you what we're gonna do paint the statue back to
20:18its original color brown it won't dry in time you use brown scenery paint you mix it with water and
20:24it's dry in 10 minutes
20:25there you are and half an hour to spare before the ceremony do us a favour lads put the ladder
20:37around the back leave it to us Ted come on Spike just time for the pint well not for me I've learned
20:41my lesson better step it out a bit it's gonna pour down in a minute come on girls we're on parade for
20:48the ceremony in five minutes I'm not going anywhere it's belting down out there it's not raining ages
20:53ago come on they're all waiting for us has a smiling vipro arrived yet no idea what's he got a car you
20:58bet a dirty great big jag Ted I've just been to look at the statue the rain's washed all the brown
21:17paint off it's back to being a clown again tell Mr. Fairbrother to stop the ceremony there's nothing
21:22else for it Ted I shall have to get up there on that platform and confess to everybody Spike you've
21:27got an obsession with confession now shut up and do what I tell you I want the both of you to get
21:31back under that cover and start painting that statue brown again all right Ted come on Spike Ted it's
21:40time you got started don't you think you ought to wait a bit the smiling vipro hasn't arrived yet
21:45the photographer's not here is it it doesn't matter we have to unveil that statue at exactly 11 30 so
21:50please get on with it
21:57ladies and gentlemen this is the most solemn moment in the history of holiday camps and I am I spy with
22:04my little eye one great big jag what can I say about your man I just love that man and here to pay his own
22:14personal tribute is our camp comic Spike Dixon when I was asked to say a few words about Joe
22:32Mapplin a lot of people a lot of happiness and that's what I feel about Joe Mapplin and now back to
22:55your compare mr. Ted Bovis back to your compare mr. Ted Bovis paying their tribute we now have our
23:11champion ballroom dancers that popular couple a bomb and Barry Stewart Hargreaves Joe Mapplin not only a
23:27name but a legend yes not only a name but a legend how do you do mr. Fox yes I'm Jeffrey Fairbrother the
23:45entertainment manager I'm the photographer I've had a breakdown have I missed it no you're all right
24:00you just made it three minutes to go they're on the last bit now I'm only a simple punch and duty man
24:05and my job is to come on Peggy you're on hey we need more time Ted all right I'll get Peggy on then
24:18I'll come back and give you a hand what will you say about Joe Mapplin mr. Quilley well mr. Partridge
24:23I'd like to say that Joe Mapplin is one of the world's greatest showman that I can only compare with
24:27the great barman Barnaby and Bert I keep talking till we give you the signal what shall I say tell
24:37them about the orphanage I weren't in an orphanage I'll make it up and in conclusion I would like to
24:44say Joe Mapplin you're a right one and I'd like to second that a tribute from the humble miss Peggy
25:03Holleran show a simple shall we be picture if you can a wretched snivelling orphan it's okay Ted I've
25:18finished I mean I'm just told Peggy to pad it out come on we'll give her the signal to get off
25:22snivelling holding a wooden bowl into which was poured a spoonful of thin gruel oh my god
25:31I looked out the window at the cobblestones far below and decided to put an end to my suffering
25:39and leave this cruel world once and for all just before I started to jump I turned my snivelling
25:45gaze up to the heavens mr. Fairbrother says you got to get her off at once she's not taking any notice
25:52she's in another world the letters JM stood for Joe Mapplin come on spy we'll have to use force
25:58and now ladies and gentlemen we come to the solemn climax of our ceremony the unveiling of the statue of
26:19our great founder Joe Mapplin and here to do it is our popular entertainment manager Professor Jeffrey Fairbrother
26:26everyone who comes here is part of Joe Mapplin's family and today at this precise hour of 1130
26:46that family is gathered together in all his holiday camps to watch their entertainment managers
26:52unveil his statue and it gives me great pleasure to do and it gives me great pleasure to do this
27:01oh dear is it a noses running
27:25I just want to say you've done a fantastic job all of you you were swell kid it's a great idea to
27:51pretend to be crazy how these two guys drag you off I just can't wait to tell Joe Mapplin about it
27:56do you think you'll make me a yellow coat yellow coat who wants to be a yellow coat there's a
28:05chalet mage you get sympathy that's what the public wants get in there and pitch kid oh don't forget keep snivelling
28:12doesn't you think you've got any magic for me
28:17holding up on if you want me to do it
28:21I'm sorry I'm sorry for I'm sorry for that
28:25and I'm sorry for me
28:26I'm sorry for you
28:28but I have a little bit of a background
28:31but I have a little bit of a background
28:34but I have a little bit of a background
28:36now if I can't wait to do it
28:39I got the Wong!
28:54I said, hay-de-hide, hally-de-holey.
29:09Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock.
29:39Go, go, go.
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