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00:00Well, if you're feeling lonely, then get your man astute.
00:05Just bend your ear, come over here, and man, here's what you do.
00:10If you got the blues, I got some news.
00:13Join in the fun and you blow straight to me on the Holiday Rock, the Holiday Rock.
00:17The holly, holly, holly, high, Holiday Rock.
00:20The holly, holly, high, holly, holly, high.
00:22Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock.
00:25The holly, holly, high, holly, holly, ho.
00:27Go, go, go to the Holiday Rock.
00:30I don't know where you're going to so much trouble, Ted.
00:37I wouldn't have got where I am today, Spike, if I didn't take trouble.
00:40Now, I've got to make it look as if I'm fast asleep in this bed.
00:43Well, Chip won't come into check-up.
00:45If I say you're ill, he'll take my word for it.
00:47But Gladys might peek through the window.
00:49She's a nosy cow.
00:51Right, now for me head.
00:54That's no good. They'll think I'm your brinner.
00:56Get me to the blue, Spike.
01:00There you are. That's me to a tea.
01:13Your neck looks a bit red.
01:15Well, of course it's red. I'm supposed to be ill.
01:17I've got a temperature, haven't I?
01:19Now, go outside and have a deco through the window.
01:21Does it look like me?
01:27No, it looks like Hitler's falling asleep in your bed.
01:30Don't be clever, Spike. It's the best I can do.
01:33Anyhow, when it's dark, all you'll see is a dim outline.
01:36So don't forget, tonight, before you go out of this chalet,
01:38take that boob out.
01:39Look, I don't like lying to Jeff about you being ill, Ted.
01:43You don't have to.
01:43What's this?
01:49A doctor's certificate.
01:51Why should the doctor write this out?
01:53He didn't. I did. I've got dozens of them.
01:56You stole those from some old doctor?
01:59I most certainly did not steal them.
02:01I had them printed.
02:02Ted, that doctor could have you in jail for forgery.
02:05Oh, no, he couldn't.
02:06I made him up.
02:08Look, Ted, I want to make one thing quite clear.
02:10I hate this whole set-up.
02:11Spike, please don't get violent.
02:13Well, I still don't like it.
02:15Be positive, Spike. Think of the advantages.
02:18You're doing my spot in the ballroom tonight.
02:20You've got the audience on your own for 40 minutes.
02:23Well, as long as he'll stand for you.
02:25Not only that, I'm giving you 10% of the fee I'm making tonight
02:28at the Chamber of Commerce dinner.
02:30Are you ready, Ted?
02:31Yeah.
02:31He's not doing a turn as well, is he?
02:33He's playing the piano for me.
02:34All the usual stuff, Ted?
02:35Yeah. Today I'll have everybody for the play-on.
02:38And then being as it's Sunday, I'll do the Ave Maria.
02:40But hurry through the middle bit because it gets boring.
02:43And then pull right back when I go down on my knees
02:46for my big Maria Lanza finish.
02:48And then bash straight into
02:49I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, OK?
02:53The tax is here, Ted.
02:54Why is Peggy going?
02:56Well, they were short of waitresses, so I got her in.
02:58Oh, that was nice of you, Ted.
02:59She could do with the money.
03:00Yes, I'm ever so grateful.
03:02Ted, what's 10% of £1.10?
03:05All right.
03:06We'll discuss all that later.
03:07Come on.
03:07Spike, wherever you do,
03:10don't tell Miss Cathcart I'm moonlighting.
03:16Now, once again,
03:18I'm trying to put some grief into it.
03:22And now, campers, it's cabaret time.
03:25And who better to open our show
03:27than Yvonne and Yvonne and Yvonne Stuart Howe.
03:29It's over.
03:30In their head, it's over.
03:31In their head, it's over.
03:31In their brain, it's over.
03:34That's rotten.
03:35You're not together.
03:37It's too long and it's unwieldy.
03:39So are you.
03:40Wouldn't it be better if just one of us did it?
03:42If you mean you, Sylvia,
03:44the answer's no.
03:46Why have you always got your knife into me?
03:48Because you're a very bad yellow court.
03:50That's not fair.
03:51She throws herself into everything.
03:53Yes, everything in shows us.
03:56Now, do it again and get it together.
04:01And now, campers, it's cabaret time.
04:04And who better to open our show
04:07than Yvonne and Barry Stuart Hargreaves
04:11in their woodland fantasy
04:13La Pre midi d'une four.
04:17Well done.
04:17It's awfully good, isn't it, Gladys?
04:19Well done, girls.
04:20It should be.
04:22I've been trying to drum it into the reds long enough.
04:25I've told them they're slack and slummitly.
04:27And if they don't put their socks up,
04:30you're going to report them to the entertainments director.
04:33My usual dry martini, please.
04:42Mr. Bear Brother,
04:43something really must be done
04:45about our dressing room recommendation.
04:47Someone who's written graffiti
04:48in Chinagraph pencil
04:49all over the titles.
04:52It's bad enough
04:52that we should have to dress
04:53in the gentleman's toilet
04:54without Yvonne being subjected
04:57to that humiliation.
04:58What are you worrying about?
05:01It's closed to the public.
05:03Anyhow, it's only temporary.
05:06Until they can replace the broken manhole
05:08covering your own dress, Inra.
05:10Well, Barry's getting on to our agent
05:12about it first thing in the morning.
05:14What?
05:15To send down a new manhole cover?
05:17We're not putting up with it any longer.
05:20It might interest you to know, Mr. Bear Brother,
05:22that we've been offered an engagement
05:24with the Saxon caravan holiday leader.
05:29Maintenance have promised to fix it tomorrow morning.
05:32Well, it's time we were going on.
05:34Well, it's ten.
05:35I'm afraid he's ill.
05:36Who's going to announce?
05:37Us!
05:38The girls.
05:39Gladys has rehearsed them beautifully.
05:40Do your party piece, girls.
05:42And now, campers, it's cabaret time.
05:45And who better to open our show
05:47than Yvonne and Barry Stewart Hargleves
05:50in their woodland fantasy
05:51La Pre-Midi Dufort.
05:55And I'm going to shove on your mushroom in the dark.
05:58Barry, I think I'm going to cry.
06:00Not now, dear.
06:02We're on.
06:06Don't play the fanfare
06:07or get the mushroom on!
06:12Put that light on the girls!
06:16I'm not a turn.
06:18I'm just bringing the mushroom on.
06:19I should be doing it in the dark, of course.
06:28And now, campers, it's cabaret time.
06:31You know, Gladys,
06:32there's a sort of spontaneous naivety
06:35to our presentations
06:36that I find most endearing.
06:39I call it a calker.
06:54Diaghilev created this, Palliona.
06:56Well, I don't suppose it was quite like that.
06:58I think he's lost her.
07:19I expect the marks are dazzling.
07:21What are you dressed up like that for?
07:31Well, as I'm doing Ted's spot tonight,
07:33I thought I'd try out a new act.
07:35How is Ted that way?
07:36Well, last time I saw him,
07:37his neck looked very red.
07:40Is he in bed?
07:41Yes.
07:41He gave me this for you.
07:43What is it?
07:47Doctor's certificate?
07:47Well, that's what Ted said it was.
07:50Well, you needn't got all that trouble.
07:52What are you doing?
07:53It's an original act I've written myself.
07:55You see, I'm Pinocchio,
07:56and as I'm made of wood,
07:57all my jokes are about wood.
07:59Are there enough?
08:00Oh, yes.
08:01And I've got jokes about string as well,
08:03and a telescopic nose.
08:05What's that for?
08:07Well, sure you've heard the story of Pinocchio.
08:08Every time he lied,
08:09his nose grew.
08:11You see, I'm trying to open up new ground in comedy.
08:16You mean like digging a grave?
08:33You ready?
08:34Yes, Mr Fairbrother.
08:35I've got nothing to worry about.
08:36I'm going to give you all turn.
08:37Think a jolly good, um...
08:39a jolly good build-up.
08:40a jolly good build-up.
08:50Ladies and gentlemen.
08:54One, two, three...
08:56Four, five.
08:58That's a little technical hitch.
09:01Ladies and gentlemen,
09:02this is your entertainment manager,
09:04Geoffrey Fairbrother,
09:05saying to you...
09:10Ah, it's cabaret time.
09:18Well, that is, it's still cabaret time,
09:19because the last bit was cabaret as well,
09:21a little French thing.
09:23A little Diaghilev.
09:23Well, actually, he was a Russian,
09:28went a bit bonkers.
09:30I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.
09:32Ted Burvis, our star comic,
09:34who keeps you in stitches
09:35because he's a real card,
09:37he's indisposed.
09:38So we've had to call on someone
09:40to fill the gap.
09:42He's killing me, Stone Dead.
09:44So, without more ado,
09:46Spike Dixon.
09:48What a rotten build-up.
10:00You may not be an angel
10:03Cos angels are...
10:06Can you have a double whiskey?
10:07What do you want a whiskey for?
10:09You weren't all that bad.
10:13Poor old Ted may be feeling a bit down in the dumps.
10:14Whiskey will cheer him up.
10:16I'll come with you.
10:18I fancy a walk.
10:19It's a full moon tonight.
10:23You must be careful not to spill the whiskey.
10:28I'm looking forward to this.
10:29I've never heard jokes about wood before,
10:31or string for that matter.
10:32My song to you...
10:36Hello, folks.
10:44And my name's Pinocchio,
10:46and I'm made of wood,
10:47but I wouldn't let that bother you.
10:49Oak?
10:51There were these two woodworms.
10:53How long's he doing?
10:54About 40 minutes.
10:56They'll never stand it.
10:58Perhaps the act will pick up
10:59when he gets into some jokes about string.
11:00What word would you say?
11:01Oh, I...
11:02Are you all right, Ted?
11:09Ted?
11:10Are you all right?
11:13Well, don't just stand there.
11:14Open the door and go in.
11:16You can't just barge into somebody's quarters
11:17without asking permission.
11:19Rubbish.
11:22Oh, the light's broken.
11:23Ted.
11:29Ted.
11:32He's asleep.
11:33We'd better leave him.
11:33I'd have taken a pill.
11:34Drunk more like it.
11:38Ted!
11:44What's the matter?
11:45I thought his head had come off.
11:51He's only a dummy.
11:52He's not here.
11:53Look.
11:54He's sitting at the bulb
11:55so no one can see.
12:04What's the matter with you?
12:06That head coming off
12:07made me feel quite faint.
12:10Don't be silly.
12:11If it had been a real head,
12:13it wouldn't have bounced.
12:14Oh, please.
12:19What's Ted up to?
12:21Well,
12:23perhaps it's all a plan
12:24to give Spike a chance
12:25to do his act.
12:26The only reason he's done this
12:28is for himself.
12:29He's up to some fiddle.
12:34Excuse me.
12:39Did you enjoy the trifle?
12:41Real cream, you know.
12:42None of that shaving soap's done.
12:44Were the cherries nice?
12:49Tinker, tailor, soldier, tailor.
12:52Rich man, poor man, beggar man.
12:55No, I don't think there's much chance
12:56of that by the look of you.
13:00Excuse me.
13:01Is that trifle on you, Ty,
13:04or the chicken morango?
13:06Because if it's the trifle,
13:07I can remove it with warm water,
13:09but if it's the chicken morango,
13:10I'll have to get the dabbit off.
13:16Are you enjoying the chicken morango, Ted?
13:18It's all right.
13:19What is chicken morango, anyway?
13:22It's the sort of red stew.
13:24It would be better with chips.
13:27Aren't you having any chicken morango,
13:28Mr. Partridge?
13:30What, with my insides,
13:31I can't eat that Dago food.
13:33The city of that stuff
13:34touched the lining of my stomach
13:35and it comes straight back again.
13:37It rots to teeth.
13:40I'll stick to this.
13:41Now, you go easy with the sauce.
13:43I don't want you playing
13:43a load of duff notes.
13:44Listen, mate, I'm a professional.
13:46I do not drink when the show is on.
13:48What's that you've got in your hand, then?
13:50Oh, well, that's just to oil me fingers.
13:52I mean, when you get to my age,
13:53your fingers get stiff.
13:53Now, you wouldn't like me
13:54to play the piano with stiff fingers,
13:55would you?
13:57They look floppy enough to me.
14:00Look, I never had more than one
14:01before the show.
14:02What are you talking about?
14:04Every time a tree of drinks goes by,
14:05you up yourself to a glass?
14:07There for later.
14:10Right, excuse me, darling.
14:13The head waiter says
14:13you've got to leave that here.
14:15Oh, yes.
14:16Hey, you want some sherry on that trifle?
14:18Yes, please.
14:20You are a couple of greedy pigs.
14:23Take my advice.
14:24If it's there, eat it.
14:25You never know
14:26where the next lot's coming from.
14:27Are you the turn, then?
14:28Yeah.
14:29I'm the chairman, Charlie Dawson.
14:31You've got that big butcher shop
14:32at the top of the house.
14:33Never mind that.
14:34These are your instructions.
14:35I don't want you to do
14:36any longer than half an hour.
14:38And don't forget, it's stag.
14:40So you can be as mucky as you like.
14:42I'll introduce you.
14:44Right?
14:44Yeah.
14:45Good.
14:48What a rude man, Ted.
14:51Not only that,
14:51he's a very powerful man.
14:53He's got this town
14:53sewn up good and tight.
14:55Is he in the mafia?
14:56They come to him for lessons.
14:58He hates Joe Maplin's guts.
15:00He fought tooth and nail against him
15:01putting that camp up here
15:02in the first place.
15:03Is he the one
15:04who tried to stop Joe Maplin
15:05building that new extension?
15:06You bet he is.
15:07Well, I think it's all for.
15:09You're not paid to stand here
15:10gossiping all night, Miss.
15:11They're on to the cheese.
15:12So get these rolls round.
15:14And we're short of them
15:15so there's only one each.
15:16And don't forget,
15:17no fingers,
15:18it's silver service.
15:19Oh, I hate serving rolls like that.
15:22It's worse than the egg and spoon race.
15:24I'm telling you,
15:50you don't need to worry
15:51about the deal going through, person.
15:53I've got Joe Maplin
15:55just where I want it.
15:57If he wants to extend that camp,
15:59he'll have to agree to our terms.
16:01Now, listen.
16:02I'm getting this petition up
16:04and they'll all sign it
16:05if they know what's good for me.
16:08Excuse me, Miss.
16:10Is that clock five minutes fast?
16:12How much more are you going to pour in there?
16:21You've had sherry, red wine,
16:23white wine, gin,
16:24and now brandy.
16:25Have you never heard of a cocktail?
16:31You're on, Ted.
16:32I'll be right with you.
16:34Ted, Ted, I've got something to tell you.
16:36Not now, P.
16:37I've got to go on.
16:38Joe Maplin's going to be ruined.
16:40Good.
16:40Now, clear off.
16:43Gentlemen, gentlemen.
16:47Right, gentlemen.
16:49You've all had a good blowout.
16:50Now for the entertainment.
16:55But first,
16:56I have a bit of a disappointment for you.
16:59You remember last year
17:00we had that terrific comic
17:02Terry, aren't I naughty?
17:04Watch it.
17:07Aye, well,
17:08he wouldn't come for the money.
17:11Instead, we've got a turn
17:12from that place up the road
17:13to call Holiday Camp.
17:17I don't know what he's like,
17:18but anyway, here he is.
17:19Ted Beavis.
17:24Today,
17:25I love everybody
17:26and everybody loves me.
17:29I hope today
17:30is the day
17:31I can say
17:32that everybody
17:33that everybody
17:34loves me.
17:39Hello, Ted.
17:40How'd it go?
17:42Everything was against me.
17:44I had a rotten introduction
17:44and they were all half cut.
17:47Then halfway through
17:47me Harvey Maria
17:48all parties fell under the piano.
17:49Then I was above it all
17:53and in the end
17:53they all stood up
17:54and cheered.
17:55Did you have any trouble
17:55getting paid?
17:56No, they were as good as gold.
17:59Oh, here's your 10%.
18:0117 and 6.
18:02Oh, thanks.
18:03Thanks for standing in for me.
18:06How did you get home?
18:08Oh, not bad.
18:09Did you get a good laugh
18:10with the lavature brush?
18:11I didn't use it.
18:12I didn't use it.
18:13Yeah, I suppose it is a bit strong
18:14for a young comic like you.
18:16How did the lavature seat
18:17and the Queen Victoria
18:18with the toilet roll bit go?
18:20Well, I didn't do any of that.
18:21I did something of me own.
18:23I'd written a whole routine
18:24based on Pinocchio.
18:25I give you all my props
18:31of my 22-carat cast-time material
18:33and you do a load of jokes
18:35about an eye tie.
18:37Pinocchio is a puppet made of wood.
18:39I know what puppets are made of.
18:41It was very original.
18:43My whole routine consisted of jokes
18:45about wood and string
18:46and a long nose
18:48that I pulled in and out.
18:49You did 40 minutes of jokes
18:54about wooden bits of string
18:55and a long nose
18:56that you pull in and out?
18:58Yeah.
19:00Did you do the one
19:01about the girl
19:01who went to bed with a pole
19:02and had a wooden baby?
19:07Of course I didn't.
19:09But that's the only wooden joke
19:10there is.
19:10There are no more.
19:12Unless, of course,
19:13there are hundreds of jokes
19:14about wooden bits of string
19:15that I have never heard.
19:17In that case,
19:18tell me I might learn something.
19:19You've got the wrong end
19:20of the stick.
19:22Is that a sample
19:23of one of your wood jokes?
19:24No, Ted.
19:26I'm trying to be different.
19:28Talk about life
19:29in a quirky,
19:30philosophical way.
19:32What,
19:33with a telescopic nose?
19:35You can sneer.
19:37There are hundreds
19:37of young comedians
19:38like me all over the country
19:39trying to break new ground.
19:41Trying to be different.
19:42Don't say any more, Spike.
19:44You're making me feel very ill.
19:47Come on.
19:48What have you done to your chin,
19:55Mr. Partridge?
19:56Ah, they gave me
19:56a stupid little piano stall,
19:58a rickety one,
19:58and it collapsed under me.
20:01Ted, what are we going to do
20:02about Joe Maplin being ruined?
20:04What do you mean, Peggy?
20:05Well, I was under the table
20:06doing the bread rolls.
20:07They shouldn't keep bread rolls
20:09under the table.
20:10It's not hygienic.
20:11While I was under there,
20:12I heard that nasty man, Dawson,
20:14saying he was going to stop
20:15Joe Maplin building
20:16all them under the new shallies
20:17unless Joe gave him the right
20:19to run all the shops
20:20in the camp.
20:21Terrific dust carrier's
20:22bread rolls are,
20:23you know.
20:24Charlie Dawson
20:25will never get away with that.
20:26Oh, he's got a plot
20:27with his friend Percy.
20:29He's going to petition
20:30up amongst all
20:30the Chamber of Commerce
20:31and he's going to burst in
20:33on the planning meeting
20:34at the town hall next week
20:35and throw it on the table.
20:36Well, what good will that do?
20:38The council have already
20:39sold the land to Joe Maplin.
20:41But they haven't passed
20:41the building plans yet
20:42and any delay could stop
20:44Joe having that new extension
20:45ready to open next summer.
20:49Mr. Partridge,
20:51why are you drinking
20:52from a hot water bottle?
20:56Spike, shut up.
20:57This is serious.
20:58I'm getting a thought.
20:59Do you think we should
21:00ring Joe Maplin up
21:01and warn him?
21:02Yeah, I'll do it
21:03first thing in the morning.
21:04Now off you go
21:04and take him with you.
21:05You don't want to drink that.
21:06If you're thirsty,
21:07I'll get you a glass of fresh water
21:08from the tap.
21:09I never trust tap water.
21:11Come along then.
21:17Well, what are you going to say
21:18to Joe Maplin
21:19when you ring him
21:19in the morning?
21:21Nothing,
21:21because I'm not going
21:22to ring anyone.
21:23First thing tomorrow morning,
21:24I'm going round
21:25to see Charlie Dawson
21:26and make him cut me in
21:28on the deal
21:28of running them camp shops.
21:29You'll never get away with that.
21:31Why should Charlie Dawson
21:32listen to you?
21:33Because I've got something
21:34on him that could ruin
21:35his reputation in this town.
21:37I happen to know
21:38that his premium
21:39brand pork sausages,
21:40priced three and six per pound,
21:42contain meat
21:43that's supposed to go
21:44for pet food.
21:45That's blackmail, Ted!
21:47Not with the butcher,
21:48it isn't.
21:49Well, there is one thing
21:50you've got to do
21:50first thing in the morning.
21:51You're on the carpet
21:52in Jeff's office.
21:53Came in our shelly
21:53and found the dummy.
21:55I won't be here.
21:56It's me day off.
21:57You may present my compliments
21:59to Mr. Fairbrother
21:59and tell him I can spare him
22:01a few minutes at six o'clock
22:02before I go into the ballroom.
22:13What are all the entertainment
22:14staff doing outside?
22:15I've been thinking about this
22:16all day, Gladys,
22:17and I've decided to call
22:17a full staff meeting.
22:19How dare Ted send messages
22:20saying that he can spare me
22:21a few minutes before he goes
22:22into the ballroom
22:22at six o'clock.
22:23I've never seen you
22:24as masterful as this before.
22:27I can assure you
22:27that it's only the tip
22:28of the iceberg.
22:29You mean there's more below?
22:30You better.
22:34Yes.
22:35Damn cold, hard, hard,
22:36hard stuff.
22:40Ted has humiliated me
22:42time and time again
22:43in front of the staff.
22:43Well, now it's his turn.
22:45He's going to get a tongue lashing
22:46he'll remember
22:46for the rest of his life.
22:48Oh, Jeffrey.
22:49You're very excited
22:50when you're like this.
22:51Do you know why
22:53we've been called
22:54for six o'clock,
22:55don't you?
22:55No.
22:56Ted Bovis is getting
22:57the big E.
22:58Get out of here.
22:58I think Spike should get
23:00the big E as well
23:02after that so-called
23:03comedy routine
23:04he did last night.
23:05I mean to say,
23:06how many jokes are there
23:07about wood?
23:09He didn't even do
23:10the one about the girl
23:11who slept with the pole.
23:13Carrie, please.
23:15Another wooden baby.
23:17I wonder what brilliant act
23:19Spike will do tonight.
23:20Perhaps you'll dress up
23:22as a lettuce
23:22and do slug jokes.
23:29Er, not late, am I?
23:31No, no.
23:31The meeting hasn't started yet.
23:37Hey, I've been looking
23:38for you all day, Peggy.
23:39Did you get through
23:40to Mr Mapplin?
23:41Yeah.
23:41He didn't want to speak
23:42to me at first.
23:43For as soon as I told him
23:44it could cost him
23:45a lot of money
23:45he'd come on the phone
23:46straight away.
23:47Enjoy your day off?
23:52Not bad.
23:53How did Charlie Dawson
23:54take it when you spoke
23:55to him about the shops?
23:56Well, I got there
23:57a bit early,
23:57about half past nine
23:59and I said to him
24:00I'd like a quiet word
24:01in your ear
24:01so he took me down
24:02into his deep freeze
24:03and I told him
24:05a little proposition.
24:06Then I told him
24:07I knew what he put
24:07into his sausages.
24:08What did he say?
24:09He said,
24:10do you mean these?
24:10And he took
24:11a big string
24:11of them down
24:12and I said yes
24:13and he hit me with them.
24:15Well, sausages
24:15don't hurt.
24:16Circus clowns do that.
24:18Not when they're
24:19deep frozen.
24:24I think you're...
24:25Pay attention, please.
24:28Mr Fairbrother
24:29has a very serious
24:30statement to make.
24:32I have been looking up
24:33the word deceit
24:34in the dictionary
24:35and it defines it
24:36as fraud,
24:38guile
24:38and cunning.
24:40There is one member
24:41of our staff
24:42who possesses
24:42all these qualities.
24:44He's a fraud
24:44because he accepted
24:45money from Maplins
24:46for services
24:47he did not perform.
24:48He uses guile
24:49to embroil
24:49his own friends
24:50to further his own means
24:51and by means of cunning
24:53he hopes to deceive me
24:54into believing
24:54that his motives are innocent.
24:55You may well look
24:56at the floor, Ted.
24:56I can assure you
24:57there is a lot more to come.
24:58This is only the tip
24:59of the ice, Ben.
25:00This is only the tip
25:00of the ice.
25:03Would you like to discuss
25:04this over a pint, Jeff?
25:05Most certainly not.
25:07I intend to go back.
25:10Right back
25:12to the first day
25:13of the season
25:14when I arrived
25:14at this camp.
25:15Sorry I'm late.
25:16This letter arrived
25:17by special messenger.
25:18I brought it down
25:18from the main gate.
25:19I'll talk to that, Tracy.
25:20You know,
25:21better than to interrupt
25:21Mr. Fairbrother
25:22when he's in full flow.
25:23Jeff,
25:24Jeff,
25:25before you say any more,
25:27may I just say
25:27my reasons for skiving off
25:29last night
25:29was not purely selfish.
25:31Through my efforts,
25:32this poor,
25:33wretched,
25:33pathetic girl
25:34who struggles
25:35to survive
25:36on starvation wages
25:37was able to earn
25:39an extra £1.10 shillian.
25:41Ted,
25:41I am not going
25:42to listen to this.
25:43Not only that,
25:43this brilliant young comedian
25:45was allowed to show off
25:46his wonderful jokes
25:47about wooden bits of string.
25:53Rubbish.
25:53They weren't that bad,
25:54Mr. Fairbrother.
25:55I am talking to Ted.
25:57All I've ever had from you, Ted,
25:59are lies and deceit.
26:00Your chalet fiddle,
26:01you lied about that.
26:02Showing blue movies
26:03to the campers,
26:04taking bribes
26:05for the holiday princess competition,
26:06taking bets
26:07and never giving them
26:07to the bookmakers.
26:08Fake raffles,
26:10crooked bingo,
26:11all lies.
26:11Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.
26:14I think you better
26:14read this letter
26:15from Joe Marplin
26:16before you say any more.
26:16And I'm not going
26:17to read anything
26:17until I've exposed Ted Bovis
26:19for the cheap, petty,
26:20third-rate amateur...
26:20Fair news.
26:21Full marks to Ted Bovis
26:23for his undercover work
26:25with the Chamber of Commerce
26:26last night.
26:27If it hadn't been for him,
26:29my plan to enlarge the camp
26:30would have gone down
26:31the toilets.
26:33One quick phone call
26:34to a certain butcher
26:35this morning
26:36about his premium brand sausages
26:38at three and six a pound
26:39did the trick.
26:41Thank that potty Charlie made
26:43for getting on the blower
26:44this morning
26:45and giving me
26:46the whole story.
26:48She saved me thousands.
26:50Enclosed,
26:51tensioning note
26:52for her trouble.
26:53if it wasn't for the loyal
26:58members of the staff
26:59like Ted and her,
27:00half of you
27:01would be on the dole.
27:03Keep your eyes peeled
27:04for anyone else
27:04trying to do me down.
27:06You'll get well paid
27:07for your trouble.
27:08Joe Marplin.
27:09Well,
27:18you're all doing the ballroom
27:20so go about your business.
27:32Don't worry about it, Jeff.
27:34We all make mistakes.
27:35Everything I said about you
27:36out there, Ted,
27:37was perfectly true
27:37and you know it.
27:38Why is it that people
27:39who are ruthless
27:39and totally dishonest
27:40always come out on top?
27:42I mean, look at Hitler.
27:43Three times they tried
27:44to blow him up
27:44and failed.
27:46You're not classing me
27:47with him, are you?
27:49No.
27:50He was a monster.
27:51You're just a...
27:53He was a third-rate crook.
27:55Is that all, then?
27:56I'll see you in the bar later.
28:02Be nice to him, Gladys.
28:04He's just had to apologise
28:05to me on his bended knees.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:08APPLAUSE
28:09APPLAUSE
28:10APPLAUSE