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00:00The
00:30Oh, blimey.
00:33It's amazing what passes for music these days, isn't it?
00:37Ah, that's not music.
00:38What's the way from some...
00:39Mind you, once the old noggin tunes in,
00:42you can see what they're getting, eh?
00:46Right, holy heck.
00:47Come.
00:47You can't seriously expect us to work under these conditions.
00:50I mean, if anything's going to be pneumatically drilled all day long
00:52by a couple of sweaty labourers, it's going to be me.
00:56It's not working.
00:58I'm not jealous.
00:59With my lips.
01:00I don't fancy you.
01:02You're not fooling anyone but yourself, Steve-o.
01:04No, but seriously, this is fucking shocking.
01:06I don't know what you mean.
01:07The noise you're shaving, baboon, it's not on.
01:10Noise?
01:11I don't know what you're referring to.
01:13To paraphrase Nelson.
01:14Nelson?
01:15Wasn't he that guy with 180 foot collars?
01:18Oh, I'd love to meet him.
01:19He wouldn't even touch the sides.
01:22To paraphrase.
01:25Admiral Lord, Admiral Lord, Admiral Lord Nelson.
01:27Aye.
01:28Hear no sound.
01:31You in it, Steve.
01:33Now go.
01:34Good boy.
01:34Croc, how about you?
01:35I'm in a peaceful reverie.
01:37Excellent.
01:38Terry, what about you, mate?
01:39I can't hear a thing.
01:40Nice work, Swire.
01:41No, really, I can't.
01:43Dev is a postman.
01:44Went to too many Zed Lepling gigs in the 70s.
01:46All right.
01:47Stood too close to them speakers, eh?
01:48No, I never really enjoyed the gigs.
01:50Awful music.
01:51I used to spend my time in the car park
01:53seeing how many tic-tac mints
01:55I could fit in my ears.
01:58You're really weird, you know that?
01:59Certainly is my record,
02:01if you're interested.
02:02Look, don't play dumb, non-nuts.
02:03There's no way this pub should be open.
02:05Shush, darling, please.
02:06I mean, it's only sound, isn't it?
02:08It's only sound.
02:09Sound.
02:12I mean, it's not like sound can hurt you, is it?
02:14I mean, sticks and stones may break your bones
02:16with any luck,
02:17but sound will never hurt you.
02:19Ah!
02:20My old man's face!
02:23Steve, that's coming out your wages.
02:26Look at my little sugar plumb
02:27and his ears are bleeding.
02:29Oh, no, that's not the noise.
02:31I'm trying to beat Terry's record.
02:34I've only done five.
02:3617's very impressive.
02:38You've either got it or you haven't, kid.
02:40You see, this is the basic difference
02:42between your English man and your Aussie.
02:44You see, we thrive on adversity.
02:46We love it.
02:47It's the blitz spirit.
02:48We were never more fulfilled in this country
02:50than when the Germans were bombing the crap out of us.
02:54Happy days.
02:55We carried on as if nothing was happening.
02:58It drove it lamentable.
03:00Your Aussie is a whinger.
03:02A whinging whinger.
03:04Ah, no, it's too cold.
03:06Ah, no, the beer's too warm.
03:08Ah, you haven't pied my wages yet.
03:10Ah, dear, what's that horrible,
03:12grating, whining sound?
03:14Hold on a second.
03:15It's my voice.
03:16Why don't I just bloody shut up?
03:22What a brilliant satire of me.
03:25I'm being sarcastic.
03:27What you Aussies need is to be bombed.
03:29Eh?
03:30It's character-forming.
03:32Boom Australia.
03:34Bomb it flat.
03:35Turr.
03:36Don't throw a red-back spider to your scrub.
03:39Look, do you think I want to change the beer garden into a car park?
03:42Do you?
03:43Do you?
03:43You know, if I had a choice, I'd have both a beer garden and a car park.
03:47And please, dear God, one day, that carvery I wish so much for.
03:54But, as it is, no-one uses the beer garden, so I've chosen to have a car park.
03:58That's not true.
04:00All the locals use the beer garden.
04:02No, they don't.
04:03Yes, they do, Gar.
04:04They use it as a toilet.
04:05What the hell does I do at work?
04:09Well, I'd worry about that if I was you, darling.
04:12I mean, there's a great big hole out there, half a tonne of concrete ready to go in.
04:16After all, no-one's going to miss one less Australian in London, are they?
04:19And if they do, it's only going to be with a sense of relief.
04:24Is that a threat?
04:25No.
04:26No, I want the one with the working mouth.
04:31Oh, it's not for me.
04:33It's for my mother.
04:35All right?
04:36Oh, what can I get you guys?
04:37A drink, some tucker?
04:38Me.
04:39Just two pints, please, and a couple of pies.
04:42Oi, what's going on here, you rubbish?
04:44It's half eleven.
04:45It's hardly time for lunch, is it, fellas?
04:47Work, shy, skivers.
04:48Is there any lunch?
04:50So, there we had to dance hills.
04:52Circumstances beyond our control.
04:53Yeah, we've found some remains.
04:54I'm not surprised.
04:56All the locals use the beer garden in the toilet.
04:58Terry?
04:59No, bones.
05:01Human remains.
05:02A skeleton?
05:02No, no, it's skeleton, son.
05:04Skeletons.
05:05No, skeleton is more correct, though.
05:08We've got to stop work and inform the authorities whenever we find a human skeleton.
05:13Skellington!
05:14The word is skeleton.
05:15Steve!
05:16Do that!
05:17Now, come on, fellas.
05:18We don't need to involve the authorities.
05:19I mean, it's not like it's anything very important, is it?
05:21It's just some human remains.
05:22So is quiet.
05:23Rules is rules.
05:25Rules is rules.
05:26And if we didn't have rules, then where would we be?
05:29France!
05:30Bollocks!
05:33Hoist by me own petard.
05:35But, rules is made to be broken, aren't they?
05:37I mean, if we only obeyed rules, then where would we be, eh?
05:41That's right.
05:42Germany!
05:43See?
05:45Sometimes, frauds is actually the more attractive option.
05:47If...
05:48I don't know.
05:49Oh, come on, fellas.
05:50Let's come to some sort of arrangement.
05:52Yeah, let's have a chat about this.
05:54Here.
05:55How does free pork scratch into the life sound?
05:57Ooh.
05:58What's up, town?
06:00You look like you've seen a skeleton.
06:02Skellington!
06:04Am I the only one here, Chilton and Marrow?
06:06I don't know.
06:07Steve-up.
06:07Let's fill your marrow and see how warm it is.
06:11Don't you see bones buried in the pub garden?
06:14The governor desperate to cover it all up.
06:16What do you want about, Puss Nuts?
06:18We've only got his word for it that his wife left him, haven't we?
06:22We all know they weren't getting on.
06:24And then, one night, she conveniently disappears.
06:28Coincidence or something more sinister?
06:30And in my time, I've seen countless bar staff come.
06:33And go.
06:35The governor does indeed fit the profile of a typical serial killer,
06:39a loner, who has trouble forming meaningful relationships,
06:43a resented, domineering female in his life,
06:45latent homosexuality.
06:50Yeah, well, that could be any of you losers.
06:53Don't be ridiculous.
06:56All he had is a lot of things, but he's not a serial killer.
06:59He hasn't got the balls.
06:59Maybe not.
07:01That's what drove him to take other peoples.
07:03He probably keeps them in a shrine in his fridge.
07:07I imagine.
07:09Just think of him.
07:11Murdering his wife.
07:12Cutting her up into tiny pieces.
07:14And burying her under the kiddie's sandpit.
07:18To most men, it's just a dream.
07:20But he actually did it.
07:22You've got to admire him.
07:24If he did kill all these people,
07:26then why would he hire workmen to dig up the beer garden
07:28and discover the remains?
07:29He wants to be caught.
07:31Classic serial killer behaviour.
07:33It's a cry for help.
07:35We'll have to turn him in.
07:36We'll be doing him a favour.
07:41Get me the police.
07:43Aye?
07:44No, thanks.
07:45I've already got some Japanese love balls.
07:49Oh, yeah, mate.
07:50They're blinding.
07:52Well, I've got them in there now, as a matter of fact.
08:05Then, uh...
08:06Got any lunch left?
08:08Terry!
08:09You're Bart!
08:11No, I don't remember anything.
08:13Yes, you are, Terry.
08:14Accusing the landlord of a murder spree.
08:16Automatic burying.
08:19Oh, come on, Garth.
08:20Look on the funny side.
08:22Funny side?
08:22I spent two nights in the cells
08:24before the police realised
08:25that them bones were a thousand years old.
08:27I admit it's a bit funny peculiar-like.
08:30And now I haven't got a beer garden
08:31or a car park.
08:33Just a bloody great hole
08:34full of bloody sweaty, dirty archaeologists.
08:38Sounds good to me.
08:40Me too.
08:40Although in a purely academic sense.
08:42Garth, I feel bad about this.
08:46That's why I've bought a metal deflector
08:47to help speed things up a bit.
08:55Terry, that is not a metal detector, is it?
08:57It's a walking stick
08:58with a frisbee tape to the end.
09:00It'll still work.
09:02It's a metal deflector of the mind
09:04like that Uri Gagarin would have.
09:07What's this?
09:07You time-wasting tick.
09:18Get out.
09:20Hello, Mickey.
09:21Yes, it's excellent.
09:24Hello.
09:26Hello.
09:26Governor, I've just heard the news.
09:31It's Fander-Bedosi.
09:32How do you spell archaeologist?
09:35That's hardly the spirit, is it?
09:38I don't want them in here.
09:39Not normal.
09:41Digging up the past like that.
09:42Why do they have to keep digging up the past?
09:45I'm in my mind.
09:46I know.
09:47What they're doing here is wrong.
09:50Disturbing the dead.
09:52They're meddling with forces
09:53they do not understand.
09:55He's right.
09:56Playing around with human bones,
09:58they might create a Frankenstein.
10:01It's Frankenstein, Steve.
10:03Now, Frankenstein is more correct.
10:04And Frankenstein was the scientist...
10:07How many times, Prof?
10:08Frankenstein.
10:09Frankenstein.
10:11I've read about them.
10:12We need protection.
10:14I knew I shouldn't have given away that condom.
10:17But I think it's very exciting.
10:19Ooh, I could crush a grape.
10:20You could crush my grapes any time you like, Vicky.
10:24Oi, Terry, get out.
10:29How can anyone get so excited about a pile of old bones?
10:33Unless, of course, you're more interested
10:34in the blokes digging them up, slapper.
10:37Don't judge everyone by your own standards, Gina.
10:40You know very well by now that my name is Janet.
10:43Oh, of course, silly me.
10:45Ladies, please.
10:45No, Governor, I think we should make the most of this.
10:49This is a really excellent opportunity for the brewery
10:51and for the pub, obviously.
10:53Crosby, what are you playing at?
10:56To ward off the Frankenstein.
10:58I know, I know, Prof, it should be garlic,
11:01but Governor won't have garlic in the place.
11:03I had to improvise.
11:06Anywho, I just think you should come and meet them.
11:08I don't need to.
11:09They're all the same.
11:09I know what they'll be like.
11:11All B.O. beards and crazy bloody jumpers.
11:13Archaeologists are talked-up chances.
11:17All they have to do is find one leather shoe.
11:19One tiny leather shoe, yeah?
11:22Look at it for 15, 20 minutes, tops,
11:24and then they can paint a picture of an entire bloody city
11:27based solely on the evidence of that one leather shoe.
11:31I think it's a bit more complicated than that.
11:34No, it isn't.
11:35What if the archaeologists of the future
11:37are digging up Great Britain
11:38and all they find of Great Britain
11:40and our beautiful civilisation is Steve Ear, hey?
11:43What if Steve here is our one leather shoe?
11:47What are they going to think of us then, eh?
11:48They'd think we were a bunch of wankers.
11:53Exactly.
11:54Look, why don't you just come along and say hello?
11:56Hello.
12:02Hello.
12:03Oh, hello.
12:04Oh, I don't think much of yours.
12:06All mine come to there.
12:07I hope you don't mind mud.
12:09I do.
12:09Looks like I'm in the wrong job.
12:10Aren't you crazy?
12:14Well, I suppose I am, really.
12:15After all, my career does lie in ruins.
12:19I'll get it, hey, I'll get it.
12:21Sue, can you come and have a look
12:23at this interesting bit of mud for a second?
12:25You see, they're all the bloody same.
12:27Tuck into that.
12:35That is the woman I'm going to marry.
12:38Blimey!
12:41I think I'm in love.
12:43Ah, yes, I think you are right, Mike.
12:44This piece of mud is fascinating.
12:46Ha, ha, ha, ha, no!
12:50She's French!
12:53Why?
12:56She's French.
12:58I want to, but I can't.
13:00I can't, but I want to!
13:02Come on, it's been a year!
13:05Men, pathetic, aren't they?
13:07Absolutely.
13:08I mean, how old is she?
13:10Scarcely formed fetus face like her.
13:12It's disgusting.
13:13Makes you want to chunder.
13:14They're not wrong.
13:15The prop's the only one here
13:16who's taking any interest in the actual deed.
13:19Hello there.
13:24You know, guys,
13:25you don't have to just watch,
13:27if you don't mind getting your hands dirty.
13:29Watch.
13:31Watch.
13:31Would we be working there soon?
13:33Ah, yes, I suppose so.
13:34I'll do it.
13:39So, what should I do?
13:40You can start by having a cold shower, you mongrel.
13:43Here, take this toad.
13:44I'm doing the weeding, then.
13:46You're funny.
13:48Trollop.
13:50Any other takers?
13:52Oh, come on.
13:54Give it a go.
13:55I can show you that history can be F-U-N.
13:57Fun.
13:58Yeah, and you're a T-I-T.
14:00Tit.
14:02I'd love to join in, Mike,
14:03but urinal bleach blocks don't order themselves,
14:06I'm afraid.
14:07Abyssinia.
14:07Ah, I tell you, gov,
14:11I can hardly believe my luck.
14:13A dig set in a pub.
14:14Have I died and gone to heaven?
14:16Unfortunately not.
14:18No, no, no.
14:18No, your technique is all wrong.
14:21Is it?
14:22Yes.
14:22More like this.
14:26Mastered!
14:26Hey, Lara Croft,
14:29you're digging in someone else's trench.
14:31You don't have the rights to any jewels you might uncover.
14:33I'm sorry, I do not understand.
14:34Oh, yes you do!
14:35Offense, Abbey!
14:37Hey, Brooks, you're barred.
14:38Sling your hook.
14:39How can you bar the man that has found Excalibur?
14:48Made in China.
14:50On your bike.
14:51English are crazy.
14:52Hey.
14:53Leave this place while there is still time.
14:57You are cursed.
14:58Cursed.
14:59Here we go.
15:00The obligatory nutter.
15:02The only curse archaeologists have to deal with
15:04is the bloody public.
15:05Oh, yeah?
15:06What about the legendary curse of Tutankhamun?
15:10Not one person from that ill-fated expedition
15:13is alive to tell the tale.
15:16Coincidence or something more sinister?
15:18It's possibly because the expedition took place
15:21some 60-odd years ago.
15:22Lord Carnarvon died within weeks.
15:25Coincidence or something more sinister?
15:28He died of pneumonia.
15:30You'd think the ghosts of the pharaohs
15:32might come up with a more dire fate
15:34than a bit of a cold.
15:35What about Howard Carter?
15:37He's the one who actually found
15:38and stripped the tomb of its treasures.
15:40He lived for another 17 years.
15:42And then he died.
15:46Coincidence?
15:47Or something more sinister?
15:49Mark my words.
15:50Your actions will only end
15:53in destruction and sorrow.
15:56You English are crazy.
15:58Oi, bullethead.
15:58Get up.
15:59I'm very impressed.
16:00Huh?
16:00With you letting the staff you're paying,
16:03well, in theory anyway,
16:04work for this crazy joker for nothing.
16:06Oh, yeah?
16:07Who's looking after the pub?
16:09Crosby, get back to work.
16:11What?
16:11Go on.
16:12Maybe I'll see you later.
16:14Crosby, get back to work.
16:15Go on.
16:16Go on.
16:17Go on.
16:18Go on.
16:19Go on.
16:20Crosby, that's coming out of your wages.
16:22Ah, don't worry, mate.
16:24It was really old anyway.
16:25And you can get back to work.
16:26Go on.
16:26Pleasure.
16:27Now, a pretty little thing like you,
16:32you shouldn't be doing that.
16:33Your womb could fall out.
16:38You work-shy, I toss pots.
16:40You should be ashamed of yourselves
16:41cleaning up the pots
16:42while a woman here does the man's work.
16:45I hate you, archaeologists.
16:46I hate you with my whole heart.
16:48You're not normal.
16:50No, give me that back.
16:51Please stop that.
16:52You damaged the mud.
16:54Is it English or crazy?
16:55Uh, hello.
16:58Go away.
17:01The toilet is this way.
17:02Oh, just go here, love.
17:04Everybody else does.
17:06No, it's okay.
17:07Yeah, I've got to go too.
17:09Um, I've got to, um, uh,
17:11I've got to change the nuts.
17:13Yes.
17:15I really like your hair.
17:18What do you really like?
17:20Archaeology is my life.
17:22Hello, Steve.
17:23Oh, really?
17:24I really like archaeology, too.
17:26Um, no, I don't know.
17:28You just told me you hated it.
17:29Yeah, well, you French.
17:31You're up to something, aren't you?
17:32You're not normal.
17:34But I'm...
17:34Come on.
17:35A potato is a potato is a potato.
17:38Admit it.
17:38It's not an apple of the earth.
17:40We found it.
17:42We get to name it.
17:43And it's breakfast, not a little lunch.
17:45You are the greatest person I have ever met.
17:48And remember, I grew up in France.
17:52Another thing.
17:53Mustard is yellow.
17:55It is not brown.
17:57Everyone knows that.
17:58Well done, Bullshit.
18:01Gav.
18:01You showed her with her wrong-coloured mustard.
18:03Oh, what have I done to deserve this?
18:06I want to, but I can't.
18:07I'm confused.
18:09I was never confused.
18:10I've done it.
18:12I've found the holy grail of archaeology.
18:15The holy grail.
18:16Terry, that is an egg cup.
18:18The true messiah would drink from an humble cup.
18:21Get out of here, Terry.
18:26Don't stand a chance with her flamingo thighs.
18:28She's not just out of your league.
18:30She's playing another sport.
18:31We'll see about that.
18:35She's too clever for you, Steve-o.
18:37She's bilingual for a start.
18:38So what?
18:39I could use both ends.
18:42Steve, she's educated.
18:44All you ever read is comics.
18:45Not just comics.
18:47I read magazines about the unexplained
18:49and serial killers as well.
18:51Please, Janet.
18:52Don't mess this up for me.
18:54If you care for me at all,
18:56give me the shot at real happiness.
19:00Haven't you been listening to me
19:01for the last two months?
19:03I don't care for you.
19:04I want to root.
19:09You tease.
19:10You let me on.
19:12Piss off, you weirdo.
19:13Oh, how I wish that you had not said that.
19:18These English are crazy.
19:29Come and have a look at this, Piers.
19:31Oh, my, oh, my, yes.
19:33These are some of the finest coprolites I've ever seen.
19:35Hey, coprolite, what's that?
19:38Coprolite.
19:39Fossilised faeces.
19:40You know, excretum.
19:42In layman's terms, it's poo.
19:44You're kidding.
19:45That's disgusting.
19:47Pfft.
19:50Oh, there are hundreds of them here.
19:52Yeah, well, all the locals use this place as a toilet.
19:55It seems historically they always have done.
19:57I mean, these coprolites go back centuries.
19:59They can tell us so much about diet,
20:00about health, about habitat.
20:01Can they tell you actually produce the coprolite?
20:05Oh, of course not.
20:06Why?
20:07Oh, no reason.
20:10Hey, gov.
20:11Look at this bloke.
20:13His job is to dig up dead people's turds.
20:15I prefer the term coprolite analyst.
20:17Don't talk it up, pal.
20:18You're not a coprolite analyst.
20:20You're a bloke who pokes around in cack.
20:22You're a chutney ferret, mate.
20:25Really?
20:27Hello.
20:28Hello.
20:28Has anyone seen Cosgrove?
20:39He didn't come into work today.
20:40I have not.
20:42I have no idea where he might be.
20:44Coincidence?
20:45Or something more sinister?
20:47Hello, Steve.
20:48How are you today?
20:49Oi!
20:50I told you.
20:51No archaeologists in here.
20:52Oh, come on, gub.
20:53As if she's doing any harm.
20:55Yes, she is.
20:55Look, you see, they're like rats.
20:57Once you get one, then you get an epidemic.
20:58You are not welcome in here.
21:00But, gub, we've found something very exciting.
21:01I'm not interested.
21:02Oh, you will be when you hear what we've got to say.
21:05No, I won't.
21:07You have reason to believe that this site is a scene of a Saxon tavern.
21:11Really?
21:12Yes.
21:13The skeleton that was found...
21:14Skeleton, surely.
21:16No, no.
21:17Skellington is more correct.
21:18See?
21:21The skeleton is that of a publican that was killed by Norman Arrow in 1066.
21:25You see?
21:27A French.
21:28You're up to something.
21:29Grand mustard.
21:30And judging by this one leather shoe that we've been...
21:33That we've been looking at for about how long?
21:3715, 20 minutes tops.
21:38This is without a doubt the oldest pub ever found in the British Isles.
21:42Here is how it would have looked in situ.
21:44In fact, I would even go as far as to say that this is definitely the birthplace of the
21:52great British pub.
21:53Ah!
21:55Oh, Mike.
21:57I love you.
21:58Oh!
21:59Ooh!
22:00Mmm.
22:15Drinks rule the diggers.
22:16Up me ass!
22:17Oh, Mike.
22:18I can't thank you enough, mate.
22:20You know, as I always say, I am outstanding in my field.
22:24Huh?
22:24Outstanding in my field.
22:26Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
22:27Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
22:29Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
22:31Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
22:33Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
22:34Ha ha ha ha!
22:34Oh, Mike, you're a nutter, mate, sir.
22:37Oh, who'd have thought it, eh?
22:39My pub.
22:40The cradle of British drinking.
22:42Not only that, dove.
22:44It's the location for the lost continent of Atlantis.
22:48Terry, you've hit the bloody water, mate.
22:52Give me that.
22:53Ah!
22:55Ah!
22:58Well, what do you know?
23:00A tic-tac.
23:02After all this time...
23:05Mmm!
23:06Tic-tac into that!
23:08Ha ha ha ha!
23:09Ha ha ha ha!
23:10Ha ha ha ha!
23:11Ha ha ha ha!
23:12Ha ha ha ha!
23:13Ha ha ha ha ha ha!