- 06/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh, what a hellacious day.
00:14I mean, I just, I can't wait to get in my house and just relax.
00:18I'll talk to you later.
00:19Oh.
00:23And your secret ingredient is fennel.
00:28Ooh, evening.
00:30Could you please cover your balls?
00:33Yes, ma'am.
00:3410-gallon hat for a 10-gallon hay-hay-hay-hay.
00:36Oh, God, that's it.
00:38House meeting now.
00:41I've had it.
00:42I'm sick of coming home to a dirty house, empty fridge,
00:45and your bare asses on my custom-crafted furniture.
00:49If laying bare buttock on an ultra-suede couch is a sin,
00:52then drag me to hell.
00:55And who has been ordering hundreds of dollars of stuff
00:58on Amazon?
01:00Ooh, kitty condo.
01:03Oh, new James Patterson book?
01:05I'm getting right into this.
01:09I think what Harper's trying to say is that while you three do
01:11contribute a certain repartee and, uh,
01:14Wisdom?
01:15Odor.
01:16We think it's time you start pulling your weight a bit more
01:18in the, uh, financial sphere.
01:19Get fucking jobs.
01:21Ooh.
01:22Is that some sort of metaphor?
01:24Yes, a metaphor for pay rent or get out.
01:28And you guys still owe me 10 bucks.
01:31Well, you take a personal check.
01:34Ugh.
01:34Give me back my checkbook.
01:36We'll see you next time.
02:03Getting a job wouldn't be the worst thing.
02:06No, no, no! This is how it starts!
02:09You get a job, and then you're paying taxes.
02:12Then, before you know it, you're goose-stepping in a torch-lit rally in Nuremberg.
02:17And after you know it, you're stepping in goose poop.
02:20I'm not judging you for your life choices.
02:22I don't judge anything, anywhere, for any reason.
02:26Well, this might be an opportune time to talk to you about my venereal history.
02:31But, there is something to be said for self-sufficiency.
02:35It's a very attractive quality.
02:37Attractive quality? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
02:41Freddy, what the fuck are they talking about?
02:44Goose poop. Goose poop.
02:49Can you explain this 50-year gap in your work history?
02:53Yes. We were sweeping.
02:55What he means is we were exploring our options.
02:58It's what the kids call a gap year.
03:01GAP. G-A-P. Stands for Ganja and Prostitutes.
03:05A.K.A. Smokin' and Fuckin'.
03:08To be honest, I couldn't give a rat's ass about this gig.
03:13But don't tell the manager when he gets here.
03:15I am the manager.
03:16Ha!
03:19Yeah, a lady is the manager.
03:23And I'm a trumpet!
03:24Get out.
03:27Oh.
03:28Hi-ho! Hi-ho!
03:31It's off to work.
03:32We don't go work shmerk.
03:34Not everyone should have a job.
03:36You know who liked universal employment?
03:38Mao Zedong and Joe Stalin.
03:40No, we're not givin' up.
03:42There's one place even your anarchist ass wouldn't mind workin'.
03:46So, we'd really love a job.
03:49Seems like a great fit.
03:51Listen, Frank.
03:52Can I call you Frank?
03:53You came to the right place.
03:55You guys workin' here with us?
03:56Ah, yes, please.
03:58That'd be so tight.
03:59My pants are tight!
04:01Seriously, dude.
04:02All you do is just, like, talk weed all day, and you get a great discount.
04:06See, Fannyus?
04:07Doesn't sound so bad.
04:08Cool.
04:09Yeah, just gotta be here every morning at 9 a.m. sharp.
04:12And you have to sweep up at the end of your shift.
04:15Oh, but you get to keep any coins you find in the dirt.
04:18I found 47 cents once.
04:20At least we get to smoke pot for eight hours.
04:22Oh, no, no.
04:23You actually can't smoke pot on the premises.
04:25State law.
04:26Well, that's understandable, I guess.
04:29I mean, a pharmacist can't pop loose all day, am I right?
04:33I mean, they probably do.
04:34Hey, Chuck, who would you say means the most to you in the whole world?
04:38My mom, definitely.
04:39Your mom's a whore!
04:40Fuck you!
04:42Oh, dude, what the heck, Fannyus?
04:45Very unchill.
04:47You guys are officially persona non grata.
04:50Great!
04:51When do we start?
04:54Well, thanks.
04:55You saved us from the evil capitalists again, Fannyus.
04:58You're welcome.
05:00No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:01See, see, if the bag got a picture of a cat on it, it belongs to me.
05:06If it's got a picture of a big, fat motherfucker on it, that's all you.
05:10Man, Christian's going to think we're a bunch of shit-kicking losers.
05:14Stupid fucking kiddie conda.
05:16Shit.
05:18Hey, you seeing this?
05:20Better get your boy under control or we're going to have a problem.
05:23Meow.
05:34Meow.
05:35Meow.
05:35Meow.
05:40Kitty.
05:41Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
05:46Waiting on my shit minutes how I am.
05:48Where the hell is my Howdy Doody squeeze toy at?
05:51I love that creepy little freckle-faced cowboy.
05:54I'll look into it.
05:55I got 99 problems, and closing in on a trillion dollars net worth ain't one.
06:01You losing prime customers, JB?
06:03Losing primers? Jesus, no. Don't even say that.
06:06Then what's the trouble, Hubble? You got the bling? You got the new senorita?
06:10You're on top of the world, baby.
06:11I'm not worried about this world. I've got this bet with Elon Musk.
06:15First guy to put a man on Mars wins.
06:18I hear that. What's Mars?
06:20I have the rocket. Problem is the astronauts.
06:24I'm trying to cut red tape like safety and redundant life support systems.
06:30When you say astronauts, how many do you need?
06:34Anywhere from two to four.
06:36Three?
06:37Yeah, three. But, you know, real schmucks who won't be missed.
06:48Get the door, you mope.
06:59I'll get it.
07:01Hello. I'm Jeff Bezos from Amazon.
07:04Amazon? You got our goldfish crackers?
07:06I heard you gentlemen might be in need of a job.
07:10Yeah, but...
07:10No!
07:11How would you like to be astronauts?
07:14Astronauts?
07:15Hot damn, we're in.
07:16Yeah, we're in.
07:17I think I've found my schmucks. Astronauts. Men.
07:24Men.
07:28I'm Mrs. Maisel, star of Amazon's award-winning series about a female comedian in the 50s.
07:33Here's a joke.
07:35How do you stop a Jewish woman from having sex?
07:39Marry her!
07:39Now, it's time to train for your trip to Mars.
07:45This is too cool for school. I'm gonna be a daggum spaceman.
07:49Franklin, you dumb country bumpkin. Space travel is a hoax.
07:54Moon landing was shot on a soundstage in Walt Disney's basement.
07:58Wait till Gretchen sees you in your spacesuit. She'll get a boner.
08:04They're perfect. Don't they seem a bit limited?
08:09No. Limited, Geoffrey Tambor, is the number of options you have after air-humping half the cast of Transparent.
08:16That was never proven.
08:17It was worse than proven. It was alleged.
08:20Bottom line, I got you under contract for two more years.
08:24You wear the dress, you wear the wig, you do what I say.
08:27Yes, my lord.
08:28Stop improvising!
08:30And wipe that lipstick off, you look like a whore.
08:37Wow.
08:38Go on. Open it.
08:41Oh.
08:42A 64-pack of toilet paper.
08:46That is so thoughtful.
08:49Go on, try it out. It's the good stuff.
08:52We won't need it where we're going.
08:53So what exactly are you working men doing?
08:56It's top secret.
08:58But Amazon's involved if you catch my drift.
09:01So you're working in the warehouse?
09:03Heck no. Suffice it to say, this will be the most important job we have ever done.
09:09It's the only job you've ever done.
09:12They said not to say nothing.
09:13So I'll spell it.
09:15We're going to M-A-R-Z.
09:18That's it. Cat's out of the bag.
09:20We're astronauts.
09:21And we're blasting off to Mars tomorrow.
09:24How's that for self-sufficient?
09:26How's that for self-delusional?
09:28There is no space program.
09:30It's all the ho-
09:31Ow!
09:32Ah!
09:32You fuck!
09:33Don't you need training to be an astronaut?
09:36Astronauts.
09:36Yeah, right.
09:38Aw, damn. I got a hangnail.
09:40Oh, we received loads of training.
09:43Uh, diversity, sexual harassment.
09:46I learned you gotta tell a woman before you touch her vagina.
09:51Well, whatever it is you're doing, I'm very proud.
09:54Yes, you got jobs.
09:56Whatever they are.
09:57That is the important thing.
09:59Pardon me for offering my two cents,
10:02but do you feel no compunction about sending these pickeroons to a likely demise?
10:07I got the most powerful man in the world sending me the best squeezy toys ever made.
10:12That's howdy-doody, by the way.
10:13Direct to my door.
10:15Do I look compuncted to you?
10:20Pretty impressive, huh, Alon?
10:22You haven't won the bet yet, Beezos.
10:24Your guys still gotta make it there.
10:26Where'd you find them anyway?
10:27Oh, I got this friend who's a cat who found them for me.
10:29You have a friend?
10:30What's that like?
10:32Tape!
10:51Well, hello there, pretty lady.
10:53I hate my life.
10:55Wow, they went all out on this set.
10:58This fake Mars mission is gonna give that fake moon landing a run for its money.
11:02You're right, Phineas.
11:03All this stuff is fake.
11:05So, so fake.
11:08Styrofoam and, uh, dry ice?
11:11And 40 million newtons of thrust?
11:14First men on Mars, we're gonna get a hell of a parade.
11:20Now they're pumping rocket fuel scented air freshener in here?
11:24Nice touch, Bezos.
11:26Come on, call out things I can say check to.
11:28Sure thing, fellow astronaut.
11:30Seatbelts.
11:31Check.
11:31That's everything.
11:32Three, two, one.
11:33Launch.
11:33No, wait!
11:36What?
11:36Holy shit!
11:39We're going to space!
11:42Space cowboy!
11:44Yeehaw!
11:47Eject button!
11:49Can't move the head!
11:52Get away from button!
11:57And start away!
11:59No!
12:00Don't need seatbelts, big boy!
12:05No!
12:08Want to pay me what you owe me now?
12:11One dollar?
12:12No way, motherfucker.
12:14You still have to stick the landing.
12:16Now, if you'll excuse me, my Hyperloop awaits.
12:19Mrs. Bezos, nice meeting you.
12:22You gave them half your empire for this.
12:42No, no, no!
12:43Come back!
12:44Are you fucking crazy, Phineas?
12:47We were going to Mars!
12:48Exactly!
12:50We were going to Mars!
12:51I don't even like leaving the house!
12:53I was going to come home a hero!
12:55Be on the cover of Life magazine!
12:57More like the cover of Dead Guy magazine!
13:01Every time something good comes my way,
13:04you take the wheel and drive us into a ditch!
13:08You got something to say?
13:09Say it!
13:09I hate you, and you always find a way to ruin my life!
13:13Stop talking in metaphors!
13:15I can't have a conversation with this guy!
13:18People of Mars, I bring you greetings from planet Earth!
13:24God damn it!
13:26Whose idea was it to have a functioning ejection button?
13:28Hey now!
13:29Don't look at me.
13:30Shall I release the dollar?
13:33Never!
13:34Musk doesn't know they ejected.
13:36And he never will.
13:38Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
13:40What are you thinking?
13:40That I get to star in a show where I don't have to wear grandma panties?
13:43Yeah, that's what America's waiting for.
13:45You know how we digitally removed you from all past seasons of Transparent?
13:49What?
13:50You did?
13:51We'll use that same CGI technology to place the freaks in the capsule and show them landing on Mars.
13:57But what about the actual freaks?
13:59Oh.
14:00We'll kill them.
14:00Activate the asset.
14:02Activating asset.
14:09The rocket was real, okay?
14:11I was wrong about that.
14:12But we're not real astronauts.
14:14Why would they send us?
14:16Doesn't something feel off to you?
14:18Yeah.
14:18Something feels off.
14:20We're in the middle of the desert when we should be on our way to Mars.
14:25Guys, don't fight in front of the Martians.
14:30I don't know why I ever do anything you say.
14:34You always let us down.
14:36Wait a minute.
14:37When have I ever, ever let us down?
14:40Let's see.
14:41Here we go.
14:42Putting us to sleep for 50 years.
14:44Burning my draft card, which was still in my wallet, which was still in my pants,
14:49which was still on my body.
14:51Better than going to Vietnam, wasn't it?
14:54Telling me college was a conspiracy of the education complex.
14:58Condoms were a conspiracy of the latex complex.
15:01It was a conspiracy of the employment complex.
15:04And finally, making us leave our apartment because it was a conspiracy of the apartment complex.
15:11Where are you going?
15:12Back to Amazon.
15:14I'm getting on the next rocket to Mars, if they'll still have me.
15:18You can't just go.
15:19What about Freddy?
15:20He's a grown man.
15:22He can take care of himself.
15:24Captain's log.
15:25I have made contact with Martians.
15:27They do not like to be hugged.
15:29Go.
15:30Who needs you?
15:31Just be careful where you walk.
15:33The desert's a playground for the CIA.
15:36Filled with tripwires and coyote people.
15:39Yes, Kitty.
15:40All good.
15:40They're on their way to the Red Planet.
15:42Thanks again for the referral.
15:43That's 5% off your next order.
15:45Yeah, yeah.
15:46Yeah, the number I'm most concerned with is three.
15:49That's three days in a row I've gone outside and not seen Howdy Doody on my doorstep.
15:54Xiao, how?
15:55Amazon.
15:56Xi Xi.
15:56Prime member.
15:57Smell you later, Kitty.
15:58Customer in Taipei got the wrong mattress.
16:00Meow, meow, meow.
16:02JB, we had a deal, man.
16:03Hello?
16:04Oh, he did not just hang up on me.
16:07I'm worried about Franklin.
16:09Do you think he's in danger?
16:11Of course he's in danger.
16:12We're all in danger.
16:13I just haven't cracked what's going on yet.
16:15But I feel like I'm getting close.
16:19What the fuck was that?
16:24It feels like somebody's trying to send us a message.
16:27Maybe they want us to learn piano.
16:32All right, home.
16:37Jeff Bezos says hello.
16:43Ha!
16:44I told you there were tripwires in this desert.
16:46So I was right.
16:47Wait, that guy said Jeff Bezos says hello.
16:52So that means, hang on, I almost got it.
16:55Jeff Bezos is trying to kill us!
16:59Franklin!
16:59Franklin!
16:59Thank God!
17:15Hey!
17:15Hey!
17:16It's me!
17:18Hello!
17:19Hello!
17:19Hello!
17:19Mr. Bezos!
17:21It's me, Free Will and Franklin Freak.
17:25I'm sorry that idiot Phineas screwed up your space launch.
17:30We were sort of like brothers, which is why I listen to him.
17:33But we're not brothers anymore.
17:39Hello?
17:39And now ladies and gentlemen, from her Amazon original series, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel!
17:55Hey now!
17:56Thank you!
17:57Thank you!
17:58Oh, can someone turn down these lights?
18:01I'm schvitzing like a moil with Parkinson's.
18:04I gotta get back on a rocket so I can go up to Mars and then come back a hero.
18:09Come back?
18:09Ha ha ha!
18:10That was a one-way trip.
18:13You were never coming back, darling.
18:16Oh my God.
18:17I'm such an idiot.
18:19One last joke before I kill you.
18:22How do you stop an empowered woman with the juiciest brisket in Manhattan and a .45 pointed
18:27at your heart?
18:28With a one-ton pallet of Fiji water.
18:32That's how.
18:33On special for Prime members.
18:35I know I always say you screw up my life, which you do, but you just saved it.
18:43So I guess I owe you...
18:45An apology?
18:46I was gonna say a beer and a burger, but if it's an apology you want, well, hey, that's
18:51a lot cheaper.
18:52Ha ha ha!
18:53I know sometimes I could sound a bit overly accurate, which people might interpret as
18:59crazy, but I'm gonna work on it.
19:01Hey, you are crazy.
19:03Crazy as a menstruating armadillo, but, uh, hey, thanks, brother.
19:07All right, let's get out of here.
19:09Freddy?
19:09Just a second!
19:12Oh, perfect.
19:14Ah, shit.
19:15How are we gonna get home now?
19:17How about those?
19:26Born to be high
19:29Yeah!
19:31Hey!
19:32Born to be high
19:35Born to be high
19:37Uh, cloud of weed smoke
19:39We my G-Code
19:41Hopping at the sixes
19:42With some gypsies
19:43And the freak ghosts
19:44You can see smoke
19:45Puffing as I'm glued up to my seat
19:47Laughing as I'm pissing my lunches
19:49Man, I need to do it
19:50I get high, I get high
19:51I'm never coming down
19:53Give me cush, give me headaches
19:54We're living up the ground
19:56When your life gets tough
19:57And you don't know how
19:59Light a spliff and keep me pushing
20:01Cause you hot right now
20:02Ah, home sweet home
20:05Good to be back on planet Earth
20:07Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah
20:09What the hell are you doing here?
20:16It's a long story
20:17It all started back in 1969
20:19Here, I got you something for Mars
20:22Ooh
20:24You fat, beautiful son of a bitch
20:31Unlocking doors
20:36Hello, father
20:37If you want to build a trillion dollar company
20:39Or kill someone
20:40You gotta do it yourself
20:42Jeffrey
20:43I'm sorry, I'm under contract
20:45Hello, kitty
20:48You'll probably want to stand on
20:50This side of Mademoiselle Tambor
20:52JB, I ain't gonna let you do this
20:55Call off your wife
20:56Or I'm canceling Prime
20:57No
20:58You can't cancel Prime
20:59Nobody cancels Prime
21:01My whole empire is primed
21:03On the primacy of Prime
21:04Don't do the crime
21:06If you can't lose the Prime
21:07You're really going to give it all up?
21:10The treats?
21:11The scratching posts?
21:12For what?
21:13These
21:13These freaks?
21:15He delivered
21:15You didn't
21:18Oh, got you there, boss
21:20Hey now
21:20You're a worthy adversary, kitty
21:28Meow, meow, meow
21:29Meow, meow, meow
21:30Meow, meow, meow
21:31Oh, phew
21:33Kitty
21:34You saved us
21:35What else is new, bitches?
21:37Oh, that feels good
21:39Yeah, behind the ears
21:40Now lower
21:41Ooh
21:41To the left
21:43Hey, I think we all learned a little something here today
21:47Something every school child should take to heart
21:50Nothing good ever comes from having a job
21:54Job's bad
21:55Hey, why aren't you guys at work?
21:57Oh, great
21:58Let me guess
21:59If you guess we're home early because we ejected from a rocket ship, you guessed right
22:03Well, the deal hasn't changed
22:05If you want to keep living here, you have to get a job
22:07You don't understand, we
22:09You're right
22:10We'll start looking for a new gig tomorrow
22:12And now that you have astronaut on your resumes, I'm sure something will open up
22:17Oh, kitty
22:19You gotta stop playing with my laser pointer
22:21I hate my life
22:25I'm gonna get those freak brothers
22:32And their little kitty, too
22:35Holy shit, what is that?
22:38I'm gonna get those freak brothers
22:42Born to be high
22:46Born to be high
22:48Glad to we smoke
22:51We my cheat code
22:52Hopping at the sixes with some gypsies and the freak ghosts
22:55You can see smoke
22:56Pumping as I'm glued up to my seat
22:58Laughing as I'm passing like the munchies
23:00Man, I get high, I get high
23:03I'm never coming down
23:04Give me cush, give me heads, we lift me up the ground
23:07When your life gets tough
23:09And you don't know how
23:11Light a spliff and keep me pushing
23:12Cause you have right now
23:14Born to be high
23:17Yeah
23:19Born to be high
23:23It's a good show
23:28It's a good show
23:28It's a good show
23:32It's a good how
23:32A good show
23:33Shit
23:34What are you doing so
23:35You can see
23:35It's a good show
23:37I can see
23:38!", parcelli
23:39I can see
23:39Wow
23:39I can see
23:41Next day
23:41It's just A good show
23:42It's a good show
23:43It's a good show
23:44The iPhone
23:45This is A good show
23:46The iPhone
23:47We'll be
24:00The iPhone
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27:14
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