- 5/7/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway?
00:05On tonight's show, you don't bring me flowers.
00:07Wayne Brady, you don't sing me love songs.
00:10Josie Lawrence, you don't return my phone calls.
00:13Colin Mochrie, and get out, just get out, Ryan Stiles.
00:18Now I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun.
00:25Whoa.
00:27Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:30Hello, good evening.
00:33Welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway?
00:35The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
00:37That's right, the points are just like a suggestion box at Tiananmen Square.
00:42The points don't matter.
00:44If you've never seen the show before, what happens is our performers are going to come up,
00:47they're going to make up everything you see right off the top of their heads.
00:49Then we give them points at the end of every game, just to tie the show together, a little gag we do.
00:52And at the end of the show, we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do something special with me.
00:56Proving that success does not always bring happiness.
01:01Let's start off with a game called Questions Only.
01:07This is for all four of you, Josie and Wayne, you're going to start.
01:09They can only speak in questions.
01:10This is also a great party game if you ever don't have any booze or things like that.
01:15You can play questions.
01:16And what happens is they can only speak in questions, and I'm going to give them a scene,
01:19and then one of them goes wrong, I'll buzz them out, and the other one takes their place.
01:21A little contest to see who can stay out here the longest.
01:23The scene is you're in a lingerie section of a department store on Valentine's Day.
01:28Lingerie section of a department store on Valentine's Day.
01:31Questions Only, go ahead.
01:32Does this fit me?
01:35Are you asking me?
01:37Could you put your arms around me and make me feel loved?
01:41Wouldn't you prefer those in pink, sir?
01:43Oh, do you have raspberry?
01:46What are you implying there, sir?
01:48You ever seen a crossdresser?
01:49You ever seen a crossdresser?
01:53Sir, sir, sir, have you ever seen these?
02:07What are those?
02:09I don't know, you tell me.
02:13Nice job.
02:16What you doing?
02:18Can't you see I'm getting rid of all the daily bras?
02:22Why'd you do that?
02:23Do I have to tell you everything?
02:25Would I be asking if you didn't?
02:28Do you want a job?
02:30Doing what?
02:31Want to pick these up?
02:33Is this okay?
02:35Does Victoria have a secret?
02:45Uh, I'm looking for something for my honeymoon.
02:48Are you the sales girl who's showing her breasts to everyone?
02:57Are you the sales girl who's showing her breasts to everyone?
02:57Eh, Wayne looks like he's taking off a bra or two in his life.
03:11And Wayne looks like he's taking off a bra or two in his life.
03:24I think he was really good at that.
03:26I want to give a thousand points to Josie for classing up the place with her fake British accent.
03:33Believe it or not, here in Whose Line Is It Anyway, we actually have a game called Whose Line.
03:37And this is for Colin and Ryan.
03:39The audience applied random lines for the show, and we have them write down some of the things they write down.
03:47Colin, this is your lines. Ryan, this is yours. Stuff them in your pocket.
03:50And we're going to play out a scene, and they have to use the lines that are written down there in their pocket in the scene.
03:55The scene is Zorro, played by Ryan, catches up with the leader of the Mexican Guard, played by Colin.
04:08Go ahead.
04:09What are you doing on my exercise machine?
04:19You thought you could run away from me? You can't run away from me.
04:22I won't need a big sword for you.
04:32You will never take me alive, Zorro.
04:35I bet you're wondering what part of Mexico I'm from.
04:37I was educated in Oxford.
04:49You must come back with me. You have committed many crimes.
04:51Apparently, I'm from the same neighborhood.
04:53You will never take me, Zorro.
04:58I made a promise to the people of the village.
05:00They said, bring him back, Zorro.
05:02Bring him back.
05:03And I looked them all in the eyes and said, here's Johnny.
05:07I wanted to change my name from Zorro to Johnny, but the J is so hard to carve in a wall.
05:16It takes two motions rather than just a Z.
05:21I'm sorry. I was amused by your accent.
05:25You will never take me.
05:26I will say, as my fathers and forefathers said before me when anyone tried to capture them,
05:32my poodle's stuck in the heater vent.
05:39And once my poodle is free, he will throw your ankles down to the bone.
05:44You would hide behind a dog like the dog you are.
05:49Hey! Hey!
05:50Hey! I should take you back.
05:53And as you hang from that rope, I will look up to you and say,
05:58let me be your love monkey.
06:09Perhaps I have said too much.
06:12I'm getting mixed signals here.
06:16I will take you back, but not for the villagers.
06:18I want you to come live with me.
06:20Okay.
06:26Just that easy?
06:28Well, if it's between hanging from the highest yard armor,
06:31living with a man with a nice hat and a mask.
06:34You will come back.
06:36Tell me the words I want to hear.
06:39Are you sure?
06:40Yes.
06:44No, look at my eyes and tell me.
06:45I...
06:46I will.
06:48Here are the words I tried to say to you ever since you first followed me on horseback.
06:54Seeing you naked changed my life.
06:56Certainly, uh, certainly changed my life.
07:09I don't know why it changed your life, too.
07:10A thousand points to, uh, those of us who have seen Ryan naked.
07:16It's like everybody in America.
07:20A lot of people forget that under the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
07:26Of course, some of us needed a wide-angle lens.
07:32And some of us needed a zoom.
07:33Uh, let's go on to a game called Props.
07:47This is for, uh, all of you.
07:48Ryan and Josie, this is your prop.
07:50And, uh, there you go.
07:54And, uh, and Colin and Wayne, this is your prop.
07:58I don't know what's in there, but, uh...
08:00Ryan and Josie, you're gonna start.
08:01You have to go back and forth and think of, uh, as many funny things to do with the props as you can.
08:04Starting with Ryan and Josie, whenever you're ready to go.
08:07Hey, Rocky!
08:15Merry Christmas, everybody.
08:21You need a quarter?
08:23Sh-click.
08:29Not much of a jigsaw puzzle.
08:31Honey, put it down!
08:35Sorry.
08:39Oh, who's a happy seal, then?
08:44It's a...
08:44It's a two-headed Loch Ness monster!
08:47That's great!
08:48Oh, look at it!
08:49You don't think my hair is too puffy?
08:51Sh-click.
08:52Oh, my God.
08:53Oh, my God.
08:54Oh, my God.
08:54Oh, my God.
08:55Oh, my God.
08:56Oh, my God.
08:57Oh, my God.
08:58Oh, my God.
08:59Oh, my God.
09:00Oh, my God.
09:01Oh, my God.
09:01Oh, my God.
09:02Oh, my God.
09:02Oh, my God.
09:03We'll be right back with more Who's Line Is It Anyway?
09:05I hope you're enjoying the show with your whole family, because I think your daughter's hot.
09:16Yeah, I can see right through your TV.
09:25Let's go on a game called Scenes from a Hat.
09:27This is for all four of you.
09:28Ryan and Colin, Josie and Wayne.
09:29Go to your positions, and I have this little all-American hat.
09:33No offense.
09:33And I'd like to rub it in.
09:36Uh...
09:37What we're going to do is, uh, for the show, we ask the audience to write down suggestions,
09:43and we take the good ones.
09:44We put them in a hat.
09:45And these are scenes that the audience would like to see acted out by the performers.
09:48I'm going to read them out and see how many they can act out.
09:50Here we go.
09:51Odd Hijacker Demands.
09:54All right.
09:55All right.
09:56All right.
09:57All right.
09:58Give it up.
09:59And you?
10:00Riverdance.
10:01Make a left!
10:06Take me to Cuba Gooding Jr.
10:17Rejected themes for restaurants.
10:20Come on in.
10:23Howdy, fella.
10:24You can catch salmonella.
10:26Eat it.
10:33Hello, and welcome to Dead .
10:35109 recipes that you can do with your .
10:53I don't know if they told you, but in America, we can only get away with that if you pronounce
10:58it .
10:59It's okay.
11:00I'm so sorry.
11:01That's all right.
11:02Hey.
11:03Oh, don't be sorry.
11:04Ain't nothing wrong with it, baby.
11:05I'm not saying there's something wrong with it.
11:06I'm just saying you can't say it.
11:07They don't like it.
11:08All right.
11:09Here we go.
11:10Videotapes that won't sell out at Blockbuster.
11:11Hello, and for the next 55 minutes, you're going to see just me going . . . . I'm queen of the world. . . . .
11:27Oh, hi there.
11:28I'm Drew Carey.
11:42Interview questions you'd like to hear asked of a Miss America contestant.
11:55Miss Illinois, are those real?
12:00Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?
12:09Uh, the wrong thing to say when she says I love you . . .
12:28Uh, that's nice, but you're not John . . .
12:37I love when personal experience seeps into you . . .
12:50Messages delivered a little late.
12:52Messages delivered a little late.
12:54Custer, stay where you are.
13:00Mr. Lincoln, the show got bad reviews.
13:07Mr. Clinton, stay away from the fat broad.
13:13Okay, thank you very much.
13:21That was great.
13:22A thousand points apiece.
13:23And, by the way, PBS called.
13:24They want their tote bags back.
13:26Uh, let's go on to a game called Greatest Hits.
13:30This is for all four of you with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor!
13:33. . .
13:40Colin and Ryan are, uh, TV announcers talking about the latest compilation album they're trying to sell.
13:45Wayne and Josie are going to try to sing the songs that Ryan and Colin tell them to.
13:48And what we need for the audience is something you look to find in the yellow pages.
13:52Chiropractor.
13:53Chiropractor.
13:54Chiropractor.
13:55Chiropractor.
13:56That was the first one I heard.
13:57Let's take that.
13:58So, the name of your album is Songs of the Chiropractor.
14:01Take it away.
14:02Hi.
14:03We'll return you to your movie presentation of The Man Who Would Be Don King in just a moment.
14:08But first, have we got a deal for you.
14:10As long as people have been cracking each other's backs and set off music to make the heart sing.
14:15And we've come up with a collection of over 8,053 songs all about the chiropractor and the job they do.
14:26That's correct, Colin.
14:27And not just songs from here in America, but songs from all over the world.
14:31Almost missed a word there.
14:32That's because you're drunk.
14:34Shh.
14:35Don't touch me.
14:36Including that number one hit tango song, Crackity Crack, Don't Talk Back.
15:01Oh, my back, it hurts so far.
15:08So, Crickety Crack, why don't you crack my lower lumbar?
15:16Do it will be good.
15:18Oh, that feels so fine.
15:21Why don't you just manipulate my spine?
15:28Shh.
15:29So, Crickety Crack.
15:30Don't talk back.
15:31Don't talk back.
15:32Shh.
15:33Don't crack.
15:34Crack.
15:35Crack.
15:36Crack.
15:37Crack.
15:38Crack.
15:39Crack.
15:40Crack.
15:41Crack.
15:42Crack.
15:43Crack.
15:44Crack.
15:45Crack.
15:46Crack.
15:47Crack.
15:48Crack.
15:49Crack.
15:50Crack.
15:51Crack.
15:52Crack.
15:53Crack.
15:54Crack.
15:55Crack.
15:56Crack.
15:57Crack.
15:58Crack.
15:59Crack.
16:00Crack.
16:01Crack.
16:02Crack.
16:03Crack.
16:04Crack.
16:05Crack.
16:06Crack.
16:07Go, go, go, go, go.
16:12Songs to the chiropractor go back many, many years.
16:16Do they?
16:16Yes, they were.
16:17And I know as a young black child growing up in the Bronx,
16:21none was more popular to me than that boogie-woogie hit,
16:25Is That a Bulging Disc, or You're Just Happy to See Me?
16:34Oh, tell me, what can I do?
16:36Is something wrong with your L2?
16:39Oh, tell me, tell me, tell me, but part of the risk
16:42Is that a bulge, bulge, bulge, bulge, skin disc?
16:44Oh, don't you see?
16:46Are you happy to see me?
16:47My back!
16:50Are you taking a funny line?
16:52Is there something wrong with your spine?
16:55Don't worry about your back, all you need is a little crack.
17:00Shoulders, they will all feel fine.
17:02Come on, come and sing this spine song.
17:05Hey, Colin.
17:13Yes, Ryan.
17:14How many songs are on this 2D CD set?
17:162D CD, 2D CD set.
17:20I mentioned it earlier.
17:21If you weren't listening, tough.
17:23Oh, have a coffee.
17:29You know, we have songs from almost every era,
17:33and one of my favorites is this great Gilbert and Sullivan song,
17:38Readjustin' Justin while the wind is gustin' gustin'.
17:41I'm a general, you know.
17:49Oh, less than a lack and a lack and crick and crack all the way to my back
17:53And no, I do not cause my back gets a bust
17:55Ooh, help me adjust, just, just
17:57I will help you just, just, just
17:58I'll crack and crack your back
18:00I will crack your back when you have a rheumatoid attack
18:03Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack
18:05Crack your back when you are not
18:06Crack your back when you have a rheumatoid attack
18:07And the juss, just, just, just
18:08And the crack and the wind and the crack
18:09And the love
18:10Crack your back and the
18:13Crack your back and the
18:14Crack your back and the
18:14Crack your back and the
18:15Crack your back and the
18:16Crack your back and the
18:17Ah!
18:17Yeah!
18:24We'll be right back with more Who's Blind is Anyway?
18:26All right?
18:26Let's don't go anywhere.
18:28Find out who the winner is.
18:29You all see that, don't you?
18:30Welcome back to Who's Line Is It Anyway?
18:38It's a three-way tie.
18:40Ryan, Colin, Josie are all the winners.
18:42Ha! Ha! Ha!
18:45Ha! Ha!
18:48So we won. We get to do a hoedown.
18:51Yeah, on top of Laura Hall.
18:53A hoedown.
18:55What do I need from the audience is a suggestion
18:57for something a husband or wife might fight about.
18:59We want you to do a hoedown.
19:01Children. Let's do the children hoedown with the Laura Hall.
19:04Laura Hall, take it away.
19:12Just the other day, my husband said to me,
19:16darling, why don't we start a family?
19:20What a silly notion, what a silly whim.
19:23Why do I need children when I've already got him?
19:29I don't pay alimony.
19:36I don't pay child support.
19:38I don't pay nothing of no kind of that sort.
19:42I get to keep all the money that I'm paid.
19:46How can you have any children if you never, ever get hay?
19:49My wife always bugged me to start a family.
20:00But I had a real low sperm count, so it was hard, you see.
20:04So we did something that I think was really bold.
20:07We adopted triplets.
20:09They're girls and 18 years old.
20:11The wife and I just had a kid again.
20:22I guess this brings the grand total, I think it is 10.
20:26How we had another, I just can't see.
20:29Since two years ago I had a vasectomy, vasectomy.
20:36Hey, thanks for watching.
20:38We'll be right back on our Who's Line Is In Anywhere.
20:45Welcome back to Who's Line Is In Anywhere.
20:47We're going to end the show tonight with Ryan and Colin reading the credits.
20:50I want you to read the credits as two disgruntled football fans
20:54sitting in the bleachers.
20:55Two disgruntled football fans in the bleachers.
20:56Good night, everybody.
20:57I want you to watch it.
20:58Come on, Patterson, pick it up.
20:59Ryan Stiles couldn't catch a pass if he's tight depended on it.
21:02Look at Mark Leveson, he's too small for the game.
21:05Come on, Tom Parks, what's wrong with you?
21:07I want to go in.
21:08Ruth, you can't go in.
21:09I can't go in.
21:11Bruce, Ryan, come on, just pick out the ball, Ryan.
21:13Hey, maybe if they put Josh Gilbert in.
21:16Well, what about Eve McGoggle?
21:18Oh, you're ready, Josh.
21:19Yeah.
21:20Get out of there.
21:21Michelle, Percy.
21:23Get out.
21:24Oh, oh.
21:25Oh, my God, she's British.
21:28Woo.
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