- 5/1/2025
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FunTranscript
00:01Good evening, everybody,
00:03and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?
00:05On tonight's show, you light up my life.
00:07Wayne Brady, you make me feel like dancing.
00:10Chip Esten, you are the wind beneath my wings.
00:13Colin Mochrie, and you did a bad, bad thing.
00:16Ryan Stiles!
00:18And your host, Drew Gara,
00:19come on now, let's have some fun.
00:26Whoa!
00:28Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?
00:31The show where, thank you, Ryan.
00:33The show where everything's made up
00:35and the points don't matter.
00:36That's right.
00:37The points are like, uh, I don't know,
00:39spy satellites over Canada.
00:40Why do we bother?
00:44Don't mean a damn thing.
00:46Have you ever seen the show before?
00:47What happens is these guys are gonna come up,
00:48they're gonna make everything up for you
00:49right off the top of their heads.
00:50And then we give them points at the end of every game.
00:52I don't know why, doesn't mean a thing.
00:54And, uh, we pick a so-called winner
00:56at the end of the show.
00:57And the winner gets a little something special for you.
01:00And the loser, uh,
01:02and the loser has to load the mule.
01:05Little hints for you.
01:06Little things to come.
01:07Uh, we're gonna start the show out
01:08with a game called Superheroes.
01:09I love this game.
01:10Uh, Colin, you're gonna start.
01:12And Ryan, Chip, and Wayne are gonna come in.
01:14Colin's gonna start as an unlikely superhero,
01:16then they're gonna name each other superhero names
01:18as they come in,
01:19try to screw each other up.
01:20Uh, what we need first
01:21is an unlikely name of a superhero.
01:23Cheese Man.
01:24Cheese Man.
01:25Yeah, that's it.
01:26Cheese Man's gonna be okay.
01:27What kind of crisis would we be dealing with today?
01:30What?
01:31We're outta spam.
01:32We're outta spam.
01:33We're outta spam.
01:34I like that one.
01:35That was good one.
01:36Out of spam.
01:37Out of spam.
01:38Out of spam.
01:39Cheese Man.
01:40We're outta spam.
01:41What are you going to do?
01:47Mmm, that's gooda.
01:49That's good, huh?
01:53Holy curds!
01:56It looks like spam has run out all over the world.
01:59What can I do?
02:00I'll need my super friends quickly.
02:03Or slowly.
02:03Sorry I'm late.
02:06Oh, thank goodness you're here,
02:08random acts of violence boy.
02:17Sorry, that was rather random.
02:20I'm here.
02:21Thank God!
02:22Thank God, Captain Limbo!
02:25Missed me!
02:26Missed again!
02:28Missed again!
02:33Ha-ha!
02:36Sorry I'm late.
02:38Thank God you're here, Captain Hardsalot.
02:40What?
02:43Now, what can I do?
02:44What can I do?
02:44Oh!
02:47Quick, oh!
02:47We're out of spam!
02:52We're out of spam!
02:54We're out of spam!
02:55Quickly!
02:55I'll run down to the grocery store.
02:57I know the guy.
02:58I'll give him a big hug and we'll get cans for everyone.
03:00I love you.
03:00I love you.
03:00I'll go check under the table.
03:13Gotta go.
03:14Sorry about what I did earlier.
03:15That's all right.
03:17Well, it looks like the crisis is averted.
03:19I'll go down to the schoolyard and give children all the cheese I have.
03:22But, oh no, I don't give a damn.
03:24Eat him as a crossword puzzle cheese.
03:36Yes.
03:37Exactly.
03:38Thank God.
03:392,000 points for all of you for making the world safe.
03:43For spam.
03:44Absolutely.
03:44Nice to know we can raise our children in a world free of spam bandits.
03:50Let's go on to a game called Title Sequence.
03:52This is for all four of you.
03:54And, of course, Laura Hall, Linda Taylor are going to help them out.
04:00This game, Wayne and Chip are going to sing a title song to a made-up TV sitcom.
04:04And Ryan and Colin are going to act out the opening sequence.
04:06What do we need for the audience?
04:08We need the name of an unlikely sitcom name based on, like, two unlikely roommates.
04:12Like names.
04:13Schoolgirl and Satan.
04:15Schoolgirl and Satan.
04:16Okay, great.
04:19What was the other Satan one that was waiting for Schoolgirl?
04:23Have your phone number when the show is over?
04:27Satan and the Schoolgirl.
04:30Yeah, honey, I'd love to play that game with you.
04:31So, Wayne and Chip, let's hear the title song to the hit ABC sitcom, Satan and the Schoolgirl.
04:44Coming this fall, Satan and the Schoolgirl.
04:47Well, little Kelly was brushing her hair, had a dress right down to her knees.
04:52When who should walk in her front door was Mephistopheles.
04:57Oh, she was Catholic, so they began to fight and grapple.
05:03But the feud, it ended the minute Satan gave her his apple.
05:08It's Satan and the Schoolgirl.
05:10And the Schoolgirl.
05:11Satan and the Schoolgirl.
05:13It's Satan and the Schoolgirl.
05:18Yeah.
05:19Well, what will happen?
05:20Who can tell?
05:22The Schoolgirl might go to hell.
05:24You better believe this.
05:27She's possessed of the exorcist.
05:29It's Satan and the Schoolgirl.
05:48I smell a spin-off.
05:50Let's go on to a game called Scenes from a Hat.
05:56This is for all four of you.
05:58Ryan and Colin, Chip and Wayne.
06:01Now, before the show, we asked the audience to write some stuff down, suggestions for things
06:04they'd like to see.
06:05And we put a bunch of them in this hat.
06:07The good ones, not the crummy ones.
06:08And we're going to read them out and see how many the performers can act out for us.
06:12Let's start with odd definitions found in Webster's Dictionary.
06:16Reptile, see lawyer.
06:26Cigar, presidential aide.
06:37Practical joke, see fooling someone.
06:40Fooling someone, see practical joke.
06:42All right.
06:49Inappropriate things to do with a loved one's ashes.
06:56It was inappropriate.
07:01What do you want?
07:04In the same vein, bad things to say to someone on their deathbed.
07:08What are you going to do with your stereo?
07:18Peek-a-boo!
07:20Peek-a-boo!
07:22Peek-a-boo!
07:27About that 20 bucks you owe me.
07:34It's me, death.
07:36Just kidding.
07:36Just kidding.
07:38So when do you think Jane will be ready to date again?
07:51Oh, boy.
07:52Things you don't want to see on your TV screen.
07:59Drew Carey naked wrestling chimpanzee!
08:02It's Satan and the schoolgirls!
08:16Prizes you'd like to find in your cereal box.
08:24Pamela Anderson!
08:25Bad songs to serenade her with.
08:32Who?
08:33Her.
08:34Oh, any special song with her.
08:38You're the best I can get.
08:46You seem real easy and willing to put out.
08:49So rollin' the cream cheese, rollin' the cream cheese.
08:55Lines you should not open a sermon with.
09:02Are you ready for some football?
09:08How's it hangin'?
09:09Let's get ready to gospel!
09:20Okay, that's it.
09:22We're going to see a commercial.
09:23We'll be right back with more Who's Not Is It Anyway?
09:26Don't go away.
09:26Let me ask the audience a question.
09:34Who wants to be a millionaire?
09:39Too bad, because you're watching Who's Not Is It Anyway?
09:42The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
09:44That's right.
09:45Points are like, uh, I don't know.
09:48Something that doesn't matter.
09:51Now, let's move on to a game called Narrate.
09:53This is for Colin and Ryan.
09:55And you're going to act out a film noir scene
09:57and narrate for each other
09:59to the styles of music that we already selected for you.
10:02And what we'd like from the audience
10:03is an unlikely place,
10:05just an everyday place people might meet.
10:09Coffee shop.
10:10Oh, gas station.
10:12I'm sorry, we have a winner.
10:13Gas station.
10:14So, you're at a gas station.
10:16And, uh, go ahead and start the scene.
10:18He had the kind of face only a mother could love.
10:26If that mother was blind in one eye
10:28and had that sort of milky film over the other one.
10:32You know?
10:33You know what I mean?
10:35But still, he was my identical twin.
10:37And it had taken me eight years
10:40to track him down to this gas station.
10:44Jed?
10:46It's me.
10:47Phil.
10:48I recognize the voice.
10:51And I was looking right up his dress,
10:53I knew who it was.
11:00Long time no see.
11:01Yeah, last time I saw him,
11:08he tried to murder me.
11:10But when you kill someone
11:12by chopping off their head,
11:15rolling them up in a carpet,
11:16and burning it,
11:17you better make sure they're dead.
11:22What brings you by?
11:24I came by for my part of the inheritance.
11:27Nice gas station you opened up.
11:30Thanks.
11:31Barely he'd forgotten
11:34why he was kicked out of town
11:35in the first place.
11:37The sheriff caught him
11:38giving his wife a lube job
11:39in late November.
11:43I wasn't going to bring it up again.
11:44I knew it was a touchy subject with him.
11:48Haven't seen you since the lube job.
11:49Hey!
11:50Come on!
11:51What the hell?
11:53Never mention that again!
11:55Sorry, it slipped.
11:58I overreacted.
11:59But that was just to keep him
12:02off guard
12:04for what I was about to do next.
12:09You owe me $100,000.
12:11Oh!
12:15Yeah, it hurt.
12:17But I wasn't going to let him see that.
12:19I was going to play it cool
12:21like I always did.
12:30Why did you do that?
12:34And now I'm going to do something
12:35I should have done a long time ago.
12:37Take it easy with the rivet gun.
12:38You ain't going to rivet no one.
12:43What he didn't was,
12:44no was,
12:45or was no,
12:47was that I was dyslexic.
12:49That's, uh,
12:59each a thousand new points for.
13:02That made sense to me.
13:04Makes sense to me.
13:07Now let's play a game
13:08called Greatest Hits.
13:09This is for all four of you.
13:10With the help of Laura Hall,
13:11Linda Taylor,
13:11and Anna Vincel.
13:12Colin and Ryan,
13:18our TV announcer guys,
13:19and they're talking about
13:20the latest compilation album
13:21they're trying to sell.
13:22And Wayne and Chip
13:22are going to try to sing
13:23snippets of the songs
13:24that these guys throw out to them.
13:26What I need from the audience
13:27is something you look to find
13:28in the yellow pages.
13:32What?
13:32Oh, I heard pizza.
13:36Okay, pizza.
13:37We'll do pizza.
13:38Pizza parlor it is.
13:39Pizza place.
13:40So, the name of your album is
13:41Songs of the Pizza Place.
13:43Take it away.
13:45We'll be back to our
13:46low-budget musical comedy
13:47Three Brides for a Brother
13:49in just a second.
13:51You know, as long as
13:52there's been cheese
13:53and small salty fish,
13:55there's been pizza.
13:56People have loved it
13:57for centuries,
13:58or hundreds of years at least.
14:00You know, Colin,
14:01an interesting fact is
14:02pizza was discovered
14:03or made first,
14:04not discovered
14:05because then it would be
14:05under a rock or something,
14:07made first here in America
14:09and not in Italy
14:10as most people think.
14:12I knew that.
14:13Fun fact.
14:14You know, we've put together
14:15all the songs about pizza
14:17that we could find,
14:19and that's 30 of them,
14:20on this two-CD set.
14:22You know, when I was
14:23a college student,
14:23I used to go to the Alps
14:25where I learned how to yodel
14:26and rescue people
14:27stuck in the snow.
14:28And that's why this next song
14:30holds a special place
14:31in my heart.
14:32That yodeling country
14:34Korean-Western song,
14:36Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la-la.
14:42Oh, sometimes I think
14:49that I'm a lucky fella.
14:51On my big deep dish,
14:54I like mozzarella-la-la.
14:56Sometimes I think
14:59it takes better
15:00if you use a little gooder
15:01or you use a little cheddar,
15:02but I also like
15:03to use my mozzarella-la-la.
15:06Here we go!
15:07Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
15:10Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
15:12Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
15:16Oh, that brings back memories of people being trapped in the snow and having to eat each
15:31other. Good times. I was in college during the 60s. There was a lot of protests around,
15:37but I was too busy organizing pep rallies. And that's why this next song, oh, I studied
15:43very hard. I didn't get very far. Look. You're doing just fine. Thanks. But still, when I
15:54hear this college fight song, I just melt. And that song, of course, is pizza heck out
16:00of you.
16:00We're going to bake, bake, bake all our pizza. All the other pizza teams will bust. Because
16:20ours are flaky and rich and meaty. And they have a special cross. Oh, here is something
16:28that'll knock you for a loop. Pizza is a brand new food group. That is right. Don't be such
16:36a smarty. Pizza is the best food at a frat party.
16:40Hey, Colin. Yes, Colin? Do you think $60.95 is too much to ask for a CD set like this?
16:54Certainly not. Well, that's what it is then. $60.95. You know, Colin, growing up in the
17:0240s, as I did, there's one song that's close to my heart to this day. It's a doo-wop hit.
17:08I don't know if you remember it. No, I don't. I don't either. It's a doo-wop hit. And its title
17:14is... Oh, the anticipation is incredible. I bet it's going to be so hilarious. Oh.
17:19Oh. Have I told you how much I love working with you? No. It's that doo-wop hit. Keep the buck.
17:27Well, well, well, thank you, Tanky. You drove so far in your little red and white blue car. So thank you.
17:43Thank you. And you can keep the buck. Keep the buck. Oh. And I know many pizza guys across the nation.
17:51They do this job. They don't have higher education. Yeah. Oh, so why don't you just take this
18:01dollar and put it in your hand. Put it in your hand. And maybe you can get a better job.
18:07Maybe by being a trash man. Hey. Keep the buck. Keep the buck. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it.
18:15Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Keep it.
18:25Thank you very much. Hey, that's great. When we come back, the winner gets a little something special with me.
18:31You don't want to miss it. Come right back from the Who's Line.
18:39Welcome back to Who's Line is in anyway. Tonight's winner is Ryan and Colin. Ryan and Colin are the winners.
18:43How about that? They're going to do a game with me called 90 Second Alphabet.
18:49What happens in this game is we have to do a scene for you in 90 seconds.
18:51We have to use the whole alphabet. Every sentence we say, the first word of the sentence has to start with the next letter of the alphabet.
18:55Starting with what letter? Q. Starting with Q.
18:58And when we get back to Q, that means it ends. It's also a good party game if you want to play this at a party.
19:02What's the scene?
19:04You guys are at a zoo and tourist couple Colin and Drew rush up to zookeeper Ryan to report that the animals are escaping.
19:11And go. Quick! Animals are escaping!
19:14Really?
19:16Sure! Look!
19:20Tens of them!
19:21Just running all over the place wild!
19:23Usually I just sweep up and I'll see what I can do.
19:25Come back!
19:28Vipers!
19:30They're the most dangerous!
19:31Winged vipers!
19:33Oh my God!
19:33Xavier Hollander once told me that when animals escape, you should just play it cool and they'll come back.
19:41Yes! And what else did she say?
19:43Zunes man, tell us!
19:46Absolutely nothing else!
19:48Boy, you're no help!
19:51Cow!
19:52There's a cow!
19:54How did a cow get a...
19:55Dear, dear, dear, dear.
19:56Cows are fine.
19:58Every cow in this place has been vaccinated.
20:00Don't fear.
20:01Fear?
20:01I don't know the meaning of it.
20:03Good.
20:06Hey.
20:07What's a cow doing in a zoo in the first place?
20:10What about a zoo is this?
20:11I thought you'd never ask.
20:12This is a very strange zoo.
20:14Just very strange zoo.
20:16I never noticed a sign before.
20:19Kinky, huh?
20:19Kinky, huh?
20:21Like we've never seen some kind of scam like this before.
20:24I want my money back.
20:25Money, money, money.
20:27That's what we want back?
20:28No.
20:29Oh, really?
20:31Perhaps you'd like me to call the manager.
20:33Bob?
20:34Yes?
20:35Queer kind of a thing just happened.
20:39Thank you very much.
20:41A more Who's Line right here for this.
20:42Don't go away.
20:47Welcome back to Who's Line is in Any Way.
20:49We're going to end the show tonight with Chip and Wayne.
20:51Read the credits for us.
20:52I want you to read the credits as two preachers
20:54haranguing the congregation about their many sins.
20:57Take it away, and we'll see you later, everybody.
20:58Good night.
21:00Now, many of you have sinned like Dan Patterson.
21:03And Ryan Stiles 315 says you shouldn't.
21:06Mark Levinson has been drunk every day of his life.
21:09And Dan Cutforth is a fornicator.
21:12Charles C.
21:12Asst and Ryan Stiles, they are sinners.
21:15Sinners.
21:16Page five.
21:17Take your hands up and pray for Bruce Ball.
21:19To you.
21:20No.
21:21To you.
21:24And Bruce Solberg, he is the light.
21:27Amen.
21:28And you drop her off.
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