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00:00Hello!
00:09Dan, hello. Again.
00:12Sorry to interrupt.
00:13My sister's in light.
00:15Sorry, just working through the old list, as you know.
00:18Dan, I have asked you not to keep coming right.
00:21If I may.
00:22When we split up, you cited several reasons,
00:24one of which was we didn't have much fun anymore.
00:27Well, we didn't in the end, did we?
00:30What about the helicopter penis dance?
00:32What?
00:33The helicopter penis dance.
00:34I did it one night when we came back from the pub,
00:36and you said it was, I think I'm quoting here, hilarious.
00:40Things like that can't sustain a relationship, Dan.
00:44Was it funny?
00:46Have you been reading that self-help book again?
00:48Was the helicopter penis dance funny, and as a result, did we have fun?
00:52Well, on that isolated occasion, there was an element of fun.
01:00I will address other issues as and when.
01:03Slip slide.
01:04Goodbye.
01:06Oh, sorry.
01:08One more thing.
01:09Please try and remember all the compliments I've given you
01:11when I took that box of fudge over to your mum
01:13because she had that bad eye thing.
01:43Jump, Boris!
01:44Jump, Boris, you pussy!
01:46Jump, Boris!
01:47Jump, Boris, you pussy!
01:49Jump, Boris!
01:50Jump, Boris!
01:51Jump!
01:52Jump!
01:53Jump, Boris won't jump!
01:54What do you want me to do about it?
01:55Well, let's see.
01:56We've spent 45 minutes jumping off a table
01:59whilst you scribble in a pad.
02:01Maybe you should teach.
02:03Oh, maybe you should take your little girl mask off, Rose West.
02:06Jump, Boris!
02:07Dennis, calm down.
02:10Honestly, why are you so angry?
02:13Hunger!
02:14He kills bees in his bedroom, sir.
02:16No, John!
02:17Breathe, breathe.
02:19Right, Boris, jump.
02:21I can't do it, sir, I'm scared.
02:23Mate, this is a box standard trust exercise.
02:25I've been doing this shit for years.
02:27You're safe as houses.
02:28Jump.
02:29Can't, sir.
02:33Boris, we need to try and get the space captain's missus back.
02:37What if she doesn't want to come back, sir?
02:39The fuck are you talking about?
02:41Perhaps she's changed her mind.
02:42Perhaps she's realised the space captain is an idiot.
02:46She hasn't.
02:47Er, she loves him.
02:49The space captain's been really kind to her.
02:51He's given her loads of compliments.
02:53And he took that box of veg round to her mum
02:55when she had that leaky eye thing, so...
02:58Morris, jump.
03:00But, sir, I don't like heights.
03:03I don't imagine the space captain's missus likes getting banged by an alien, Morris.
03:08You're safe.
03:10I promise.
03:16He'll be fine.
03:18Walking round for a bit.
03:19Mr Davis!
03:20Ah!
03:21Miss Lipstick.
03:22What's wrong with Morris?
03:24Nothing.
03:25He's become a man.
03:27He's calling for his mum.
03:29Good.
03:31Bad mum.
03:34Right.
03:36I came to remind you about the heads of department meeting tonight.
03:39Oh, my God.
03:40I'm so sorry.
03:41I can't come.
03:42Dan!
03:43Come on, Emma.
03:44My life's in tatters.
03:45You know that.
03:46I started crying yesterday.
03:48Do you want to know what I was doing?
03:50I was watching Time Team.
03:53Yeah.
03:54You don't want this level of sadness in a meeting.
03:58This is the last one.
04:00You're a head of department.
04:01You've got to attend meetings.
04:03I will.
04:04I promise.
04:07Nice arse.
04:16What?
04:21Nothing.
04:25What did you say, Dan?
04:36That was embarrassing.
04:38Oi!
04:39Jock on four eyes!
04:46Oh.
04:49Hello, Shakira.
04:50I'm fascinated.
04:51What's in this special?
04:52Egg!
04:54Just egg?
04:55Yeah.
04:56Can that be a special?
04:58Just the word...
04:59egg?
05:00Mark it, Bob, if you're going to muck about.
05:02Just a cup of tea, please.
05:04Shakira.
05:05What a delight.
05:07Egg circus?
05:08Yes, please.
05:11Do you buy a soup for Tash?
05:12Very much so.
05:13Brussels, here I come.
05:18Oh, have a great time, Brian.
05:20Enjoy the tour you booked of the EU headquarters.
05:24Hey, when did I take us to Laser Quest that time for Naomi's birthday?
05:27Why?
05:28I'm making a list of all the good times.
05:30Dan, you can't solve a relationship problem by listing the past.
05:33Why not?
05:34I don't know where to start.
05:35I'm not the one to solve this, OK?
05:37You need to talk to a woman.
05:38Word up!
05:39But not that woman.
05:40Oh.
05:41Whoo!
05:42I'm shocked.
05:43This thong is going in the outside bin when I get home.
05:46What is this nonsense?
05:48Sweaty salsa.
05:49Training to get my instructors diploma.
05:51Who's that ratified by?
05:53The University of Scambridge.
05:57Anyway, it's wicked fun.
05:58You should come down now you're single.
06:00Loads of women, no blokes.
06:01It's only Raul, the teacher.
06:03I think he might be gay.
06:04Number one, I'm not single.
06:06Number two, I've met Raul.
06:07Of course he's fucking gay.
06:09Number three, salsa's for middle-aged losers.
06:11You're 40 and live with your parents.
06:13And you've got a tiny little head.
06:15Looks like David Seaman's all shrunken and vile.
06:18Dan, please come.
06:19Sign up for one class and then I'll get a free massive plastic flower for my hair.
06:22No.
06:23I think Dan has more basic needs to address, Jo.
06:26Yes.
06:27Like, what am I going to cook Naomi for I'll get her back together meal tomorrow?
06:31She hasn't even agreed to come yet.
06:32This meal is all in Dan's head.
06:34Bollocks.
06:35I've done a deal with Big Dave Bowers for the meat.
06:37It's going to be awesome, mate.
06:38That, coupled with my programme of nostalgia.
06:41Christ.
06:42Hasn't it occurred to you just to try and change?
06:44Change what?
06:45You know, little things.
06:46Get your car seat fixed.
06:48All right.
06:49I'll get it welded up at Mad Nobby's tomorrow.
06:51There you go.
06:52Hey, why is it your instincts?
06:53To have your car fixed by a man called Mad Nobby.
06:56Mad Nobby's awesome.
06:58Doesn't even talk a day, Dan.
06:59Which is 15 miles away.
07:00Go to a local garage.
07:01No, Nobby's the cheapest.
07:03Besides, I've got a plan.
07:04You follow me to Nobby's tomorrow.
07:06We drop the car off.
07:07We go back into town.
07:08I pick up some meat.
07:09You drive me back to Nobby's.
07:10I drive my car back home.
07:11I cook us a meal.
07:13I put on some soft music.
07:14Naomi comes round.
07:15Mmm, she likes the mints.
07:16Next thing she knows, she's married to me.
07:18We try and have children.
07:19We can't.
07:20Or my sperm are dead.
07:21But it doesn't matter.
07:22Too late.
07:23She's trying.
07:24Dan, 4 o'clock tomorrow,
07:25I'm going to be on the Eurostar with my wife.
07:27I'm not missing out on a mini break to go on a meat run.
07:30Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
07:38Hurry up.
07:39I need the plate.
07:46Daniel!
07:47Don't start.
07:48I've been cleaning out the garage.
07:49Well done.
07:50I'll nominate you for a Pride of Britain award.
07:51I'll just do my bit.
07:52Your mum and Mrs. Wigmore are doing a deep clean of the house.
07:53So, I tackled the garage.
07:54And guess what I found?
07:55Oh, no.
07:56Remember this?
08:08It's wonderful.
08:09Come and have a quick knock about.
08:11No, because unlike you, I don't have fond memories of the old days.
08:16And I have no desire to have a swing ball smashed into my nuts on purpose.
08:20the old days and I have no desire to have a swing ball smashed into my nuts on
08:23purpose. Not on purpose. Always on purpose. Always on purpose. Goodbye. Daniel?
08:33Please?
08:38Look. What are you up to? God, you're so suspicious.
08:50See?
09:05Feels like the old days.
09:20I told you, I'm not going to play if you're going to be stupid. Daniel, your service.
09:33Mimples?
09:35Dad, I can't find Mimples.
09:38Daniel, that's not the swing ball.
09:41Mr Davis, have you seen Mimples?
09:45Oh, no, wait.
09:50He killed Mimples!
09:54No! He threw it at me!
09:56Daniel, I was throwing Mr Mimples for you to catch.
09:59Not to smash it to a wall and kill.
10:03What's going on?
10:04Dad, he killed Mimples!
10:07Oh, no, Mr Stevens!
10:10You sick fuck.
10:11Wait.
10:12That's it, Dad!
10:13Because...
10:14No!
10:15Killing like he killed Mr Mimples!
10:16Come on down!
10:17Oh!
10:18Please!
10:19Please!
10:20No, I didn't mean to!
10:22I didn't mean to!
10:24I'm sorry!
10:29I can't do that!
10:31Hang on.
10:32What's going on?
10:33I'm sorry, Daniel.
10:34It was your dad's idea!
10:36Oh, Daniel!
10:37You sad little girl!
10:39He wet himself!
10:42Daniel!
10:44Mimples was already dead!
10:48He starved to death!
10:50I forgot to feed him!
10:53You're all sick!
10:57What's all this noise around here?
11:00Mrs Wengble!
11:02What have you done?
11:06Look!
11:07Oh!
11:08Oh!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:12Oh!
11:13Daniel!
11:14You monster!
11:15Phone an ambulance!
11:16Oh!
11:17Oh!
11:18Oh!
11:19Well, the paramedics think she'll be fine, but they're keeping her in for a couple of days.
11:24What were you thinking, putting a space hopper on the path?
11:28Right, because none of that was Dad's fault, was it, you mental old crone?
11:31Your dad never touched the space hopper!
11:34And why are you wearing those awful jogging buttons again?
11:38Mainly because my trousers are covered in my piss!
11:41Are they?
11:42Well, you'd better go and get them so I can wash them.
11:45I don't want you visiting Mrs Wigmore tomorrow in mucky trousers.
11:49I'm not going to visit Mrs Wigmore!
11:51She's your cleaner!
11:52She'll want to see your little walnut face!
11:54I can't!
11:55I'm busy!
11:56I've got a relationship to save!
11:58What are you doing?
11:59Nibbling some shortbread, stroking a plant!
12:05Ah!
12:07Alright!
12:08I'll go and visit the cleaner in hospital!
12:10Good boy!
12:11And make sure you take a present too!
12:14Christ!
12:15Most people would spend the morning of a holiday packing!
12:19Brian!
12:20We're on a wicked little road trip!
12:22It's exciting!
12:31What the hell is that?
12:32It's Nobby's version of a receipt!
12:34Jesus!
12:35I thought Mad Nobby was just an affectionate nickname!
12:37Should you have left your car with him?
12:39He's obviously genuinely unstable!
12:41Nobby's awesome!
12:42He knows Tinker from Lovejoy!
12:44Have you put any thought into what you're buying Mrs Wigmore?
12:47Have I put any thought into it?
12:49What should I take her?
12:50A cooked lobster?
12:51My uncle was killed by a lobster!
12:53Oh yeah?
12:54Was he allergic?
12:55No!
12:59Oh!
13:00There is something I need to do before I was with Lashley!
13:07It's a permanent marker!
13:08I've tried to get it off but I think you could see!
13:10I've just made it red!
13:11I don't want to know why you have a tick on your head!
13:14I just want you to stop coming round and telling me odd things!
13:19What do you want me to say?
13:21That is up to you!
13:23Okay!
13:25I'm pleased you're having your car seat mended and that you're visiting your mum's cleaner and hospital!
13:29Thank you!
13:30Would you like to come for a meal tonight?
13:32Dan!
13:33We've split up!
13:34I know!
13:35We're on a break!
13:36We've split up!
13:37I will come round later to pick up my stuff!
13:38Lovely!
13:39I will have a home cooked meal waiting for you!
13:41No!
13:42I'm coming to get my things!
13:43I'll be round at five!
13:44Clearly for a meal!
13:45Dan!
13:46Look!
13:47I can see you are trying!
13:49I'm addressing everything you said!
13:51All you ever do is go down the caf with your silly friends you said!
13:54Well not anymore!
13:55I'm really getting out there!
13:56Visiting a cleaner and mending a car seat are not really getting out there!
14:00That's not all I'm doing!
14:01What else are you doing then?
14:02Activities!
14:04Fascinating activities!
14:05I'll tell you about them at the meal tonight!
14:07I'm coming to collect my possessions because we've split up!
14:11Yes!
14:12And while you're there we'll have a lovely meal and I'll tell you about all the interesting
14:15things I'm doing in my spare time!
14:17Slip!
14:18Slide!
14:25One more drop off man!
14:38What do you think?
14:39Oh!
14:40My!
14:41God!
14:42You look wicked!
14:43Yeah?
14:44Yeah!
14:45They feel a bit tight!
14:46Supposed to be!
14:47Don't worry about that!
14:48Just a good Pepsi Max bottle down there!
14:50Oh shit!
14:51He's going back!
14:52Come on let's go!
14:53Shall I tell Rowan we're coming back next week for this house of class?
14:55I'm not actually going to the class am I you twat!
14:58I just want this to fool Naomi into thinking I'm doing stuff!
15:00Grab my clothes!
15:01I've got to go next door to get Mrs. Wigmore a present!
15:04Dan!
15:05Dan!
15:06Get in the bloody car!
15:07Nearly there!
15:08Wigmore!
15:09Butchers!
15:10Mad nobbies!
15:11We're on schedule Brian!
15:12I'll have a meal ready by five easy!
15:13I've got tickets for the Eurostar at four!
15:14So stop keeping me talking then!
15:15Tick tock!
15:16Mrs. Wigmore!
15:17Daniel!
15:18How lovely of you to visit!
15:19There was no need!
15:20I'll be home tomorrow!
15:21I'll be home tomorrow!
15:22Well I've bought you a present!
15:23Sorry about the space hopper!
15:24Right!
15:25Get well!
15:26We're going to be off!
15:27Come on Jo!
15:28Vegetables!
15:29No one bring vegetables as a present son!
15:30It's weird!
15:31Oh no!
15:32Oh no!
15:33Oh no!
15:34Oh no!
15:35Oh no!
15:36Oh no!
15:37Oh no!
15:38Oh no!
15:39Oh no!
15:40Oh no!
15:41Oh no!
15:42Oh no!
15:43Oh no!
15:44Oh no!
15:45Oh no!
15:46Oh no!
15:47Oh no!
15:48Oh no!
15:49It's weird!
15:50What's that tick on your head?
15:51It's a welding receipt!
15:53And everyone likes a box of vegetables!
15:56Right?
15:57It's the thought that counts!
15:59You look like prostitutes!
16:00One gay and one straight!
16:01What?
16:02Oh!
16:03Thanks!
16:04Just salsa!
16:05My grandson bought me an audiobook!
16:07That's a proper present!
16:08Can you drop it?
16:09She likes her vegetables!
16:10Let's see some of your salsa!
16:12Well we'd love to!
16:13But I'm afraid we've got things to do!
16:15We're in a bit of a rush!
16:16So!
16:17Enjoy your present!
16:19Get well everyone!
16:20Show us the moon!
16:21We haven't got time to do a fucking salsa dance guys!
16:23What's all this fuss?
16:25A young Daniel's bought me some vegetables and they're trying to bully them into doing
16:28a salsa dance for us!
16:29Oh!
16:30That would be lovely!
16:31Is anyone listening?
16:32It's not happening!
16:33Oh!
16:34Are you in too much of a hurry to do a little dance for our poorly friends?
16:38Yes!
16:39I've got to go!
16:40Where?
16:41What's so urgent?
16:42I've got to cook some mints later!
16:45I see!
16:46No the thing-
16:47How's the pain today Joan?
16:49Aw fool!
16:50Not surprised!
16:51We've had to remove the best part of your bowel!
16:55Maybe she's eating some fucking vegetables then!
16:56I haven't got any music!
17:02I haven't got any music!
17:04I haven't got any music!
17:32By the way!
17:33You've had to be walked a little bit!
17:34Outro!
17:35To the new style!
17:36How's the new style in mind?
17:37And you're feeling it to me?
17:38I mean, win the win!
17:39To the new style!
17:40You're feeling it too!
17:41And you're feeling it too!
17:42And you're feeling it too!
17:43And you're feeling it too!
17:44How do the boom shakalaka to the dance album?
17:47I say the boom shakalaka to the brand new style!
17:51We kid said it!
17:52We kid, cha-chan, no, was said it!
17:55I'm a big way!
17:56Rock & Murphy style a fie discipline, child.
17:58Pan go down a cake is well versatile!
18:01That's not a fucking salsa.
18:09Dr. Phillips, please come to cardiology.
18:11Dr. Phillips, to cardiology.
18:13Where the hell have you been?
18:15In the company of some very selfish old people.
18:18Look at the bloody time.
18:19Sorry, we'll go straight to Nobby's now.
18:22After we pop into Big Dave Bowers to get some mints.
18:24Jesus!
18:31Right. Goodbye.
18:38Let me just check it's ready.
18:40Doesn't matter if it's ready or not.
18:41I'm going to the Eurostar.
18:43Come on, mate. Two minutes.
18:51Why don't we do anything for him?
18:53He's going for a really hard time at the moment, Brian.
18:56What if you've ever known him not to be going through a hard time?
18:59Once he gets Naomi back...
19:00He's not getting her back, is he?
19:02Look at what he's planning on cooking her.
19:04Hey, mince is nice.
19:06Not on its own.
19:08Mmm!
19:09Make yourself comfortable when I go and make you a massive plate of unaccompanied cooked mince.
19:14Stop it. You're making me hungry.
19:17Nightmare. I haven't got any money.
19:18Oh, for God's sake!
19:20You've seen these salsa trousers, Brian.
19:22I've only got room for a cock and balls, let alone a wallet.
19:24Well, I've only got traveller's chicks, so...
19:26What can I do one of those? Come on, tick-tock.
19:28Dan, I know this guy's called Mad Nobby, but he's hardly going to accept a traveller's cheque for a minor welding job.
19:34Well, at least let me try.
19:37How much is it?
19:38Twelve pounds.
19:39Twelve pounds! Christ! How does he make a living?
19:43I told you, he's cheap.
19:44Well, they're in euros.
19:45Please, Brian. Nobby is already wound up.
19:48Right.
19:49We'll have to give him a 15 euro traveller's cheque.
19:53Well, you can tell him that he's making a tiny little profit there.
20:00Brian, you're quite cross now, aren't you?
20:02No.
20:04You look cross.
20:05Not cross, Joe.
20:07You've got that vein when you're foreign. It comes out. It's all wonky.
20:15He won't take a traveller's cheque.
20:18Ask Mad Nobby if he'd mind dreadfully you taking the car on trust.
20:24You could pop back tomorrow with your twelve pounds!
20:28I'll give that a go.
20:33Brian!
20:33Don't talk!
20:44You've been a bit weird.
20:46But he says I can have the car and he'll take the money a different way.
20:49Right.
20:50Joe, would you mind getting out of the car, please?
20:59Dan.
21:00Would you mind taking your two bags of mints?
21:11Brian!
21:13Get me one of those massive Toblerones!
21:15Do you think Brian's cross?
21:17Well, Nobby appears to have deducted his costs.
21:35I'm sorry I'm late. I've had a few issues.
21:52Nice outfit.
21:53How much mints do you want? I think I can really get into salsa, you know. We should go some time.
22:02Big Dave Bowes has given me far too much mints here. I can feed the whole town.
22:06I don't know.
22:07Dan!
22:08Dan!
22:19I don't even like mints.
22:23Right.
22:26See you.
22:27Look after yourself.
22:38Wait!
22:41Um...
22:43Remember this?
22:46Woo!
22:48Helicopter!
22:50Woo!
22:51Helicopter!
22:57You're so uneasy.
22:59There's a moment to run out of the door.
23:01Once it makes sense, the door opens.
23:03That is the door's open.
23:04The door opens.
23:05It's to visit the door opens to the door.
23:07Right?
23:09What the door is...
23:20The door opens to the door.
23:23It's to the door it's to the door.
23:25We'll see you next time.

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