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00:00We'll see you next time.
00:30How do you look, kid?
00:38Nothing yet, sir.
00:39You?
00:39No, it's hopeless.
00:41Like looking for a needle in a...
00:43Who are you going to haste like, you?
00:50You bum, yeah.
00:52Quick, kid.
00:53Over here.
00:56What was the verdict, sir?
00:58Is this Nesbitt?
00:58No sure.
00:59Here.
00:59Hold him up.
01:01Well, sir?
01:02It's hard to tell.
01:03I've never seen him vertical before.
01:05I'll tell you what.
01:06Drop him in the garbage.
01:10That's Nesbitt.
01:12Pick him up.
01:12We'll take him down the station.
01:14You mean you're not going to tell him now, Sergeant?
01:15No.
01:16We'll sober him up first.
01:17Even he deserves that courtesy.
01:20Look at him.
01:22No wonder his wife threw him out, eh?
01:24Lying pissed in the city dump.
01:26Right.
01:27Ask me how we up the hospital.
01:28Well, you sure you don't want to come with me and visit your granny Nesbitt?
01:31What for?
01:32We know what she looks like.
01:33Aye.
01:33A bleach prune in a rain, mate.
01:35Look, I'm sick of the amount of cheek I'm having to take off you spare.
01:38And you, a wee bit of respect off of you when you go amiss.
01:42You better remember you're a guest in this house.
01:44So's a ledger.
01:45And he gets to pack you in the arse.
01:46Yeah.
01:47Just you.
01:48What do you mean by that?
01:49Oh, come on, Ma.
01:51Hey, do you know what they call him up the pub?
01:52Joe the Jump Lead.
01:53Aye.
01:54Every time he comes through that door, you're droll's do the huckle bop.
01:59I'll go my grips.
02:00I'm an orphan.
02:02I've known human tragedy.
02:04You are a human tragedy.
02:06Is that your idea of put down?
02:07Skull face.
02:08Right.
02:08Just part of me.
02:09And would you stop it?
02:11I don't have to take this half wanes under my own roof.
02:14See if your da was here.
02:15Aye, but he is, isn't he?
02:16Is he?
02:17You seen to that.
02:18He's seen to that himself.
02:20He's the only one to blame for where he's ended up the day.
02:23It's a matter of interest.
02:25Where has he ended up the day?
02:27Well, nobody knows, do they?
02:28That's how I've ended up having to go up the southern general to visit your granny.
02:32Now listen, you two be good boys while I'm away, right?
02:37You all right, Mary doll?
02:39Is that you awake then, eh?
02:40Aye.
02:41Just go and visit him.
02:42I won't be long.
02:43What about yourself?
02:44Oh, I might just take a stroll out the pub for a quick one.
02:46You might even have a drink as well, eh?
02:48What's that, Tiger?
02:49Nothing.
02:50That's what I thought.
02:52Oh, here, Mary doll.
02:53Come on, look.
02:54You should wear your collar up.
02:56Makes you look more...
02:58stylish.
03:00Dead?
03:01What do you mean, dead?
03:03I'm sorry, Mrs. Nesbitt.
03:05It was just a wee routine gallstones operation, you said so yourselves.
03:10I'm afraid at Mrs. Nesbitt's age there is no such thing as a routine operation.
03:16Whilst in theatre her body began to react to the anaesthetic, she went into spasm.
03:21Her heart, which, as you know, was already weak, was unable to cope.
03:26And despite our every effort, I'm afraid that we lost her.
03:32Oh, my God.
03:34Sorry to have to be the one to tell you, Nesbitt.
03:43What the hell are you sorry about?
03:45It wasn't your fault.
03:47Is there anything I can get you?
03:48A cup of tea, a rolling sausage, a social worker?
03:51I don't want this sort of locker.
03:55Will you patronise me, boy?
03:56Don't blame me.
03:57It says it in the manual.
03:59Never mind the manual.
04:01Will you go and get that Hoffbolt out of my desk drawer?
04:04Aye, it's a terrible thing, the death of my mother, eh?
04:10I mind when my mother died two years ago, how gutted I was.
04:15It was like a big black hole had opened up in my life.
04:19We were always close.
04:21She had a pet name for me.
04:24Wee Sturie she used to call me.
04:26Oh, Sturie, she used to say.
04:28Go and run into the shops and get your...
04:29Yes, Sturie.
04:31Go and do some favour.
04:32What?
04:32I'm going to shut your ignorant, you apple-gief piece.
04:36You listen to me, you bastard.
04:38I am trying to share your grief here.
04:40Well, it's my grief.
04:41I'll do whatever the hell I like with it.
04:43You listen to me.
04:44It's just as well your mother's croaked it
04:46or you'd be lying in that flare with my boot up your wishbone.
04:49That's it.
04:50That's mere like a business as usual.
04:53Go on.
04:53Turn your cap up and let's get back to normal.
04:56Because you look undressed without that poker up your arse.
04:59You will eat that, you bastard.
05:01Chaps.
05:02I don't know if it'll help,
05:04but there's a poem about bereavement that I remember.
05:07It might be of some consolation.
05:09It goes something like this.
05:12Roses round the door.
05:14Babies on the floor.
05:16Mothers in the kitchen with the...
05:18Shut up!
05:20And I missed something.
05:21Just give me that half bottle.
05:22You have to wrap your larynx round that.
05:28I don't want a drink.
05:29What do you mean you don't want a drink?
05:31You're a knocky.
05:31Of course you want a drink.
05:33Here you are.
05:33It'll help to stifle the pain.
05:36Pain?
05:37What pain?
05:39Listen, you.
05:40See, since my mother retired,
05:42she turned into a senile,
05:44half-witted old pain in the arse
05:45because she was a walking advert for euthanasia.
05:48You ask me, she's better half-witted.
05:50No, no, no, no.
05:51I'm not going to waste my sympathy on you, Nesbitt.
05:54You have a heart as harsh as a welder's goth.
05:58And don't you ever forget it.
06:02Well, excuse me.
06:04I have a stif to bury.
06:06Can you see him?
06:21Yep, I can see him.
06:23What's he doing?
06:24Is he speaking the hell out?
06:25If he's speaking the hell out, he's dead.
06:27That's Jamesy.
06:29People do sometimes talk to a woman, you know.
06:31No in Govan, no without a subtext.
06:33With his mouth, using words, Jamesy.
06:36And I'll tell you something else, you know.
06:37What?
06:38She's enjoying it.
06:40That is a case proved.
06:42People might speak to a woman,
06:43but women don't need to enjoy it.
06:45The whore.
06:46He's for it.
06:48Easy, Jamesy.
06:49He's a big bloke.
06:51Okay.
06:52She's for it, well.
06:54What's he doing now?
06:56What's she doing?
06:57She's shutting her eyes.
06:59And she's shuddering.
07:02Right, that's it.
07:02No man makes a wife of Jamesy Cawar shudder.
07:06Not even Jamesy Cawar.
07:09No satire, my long thin friend.
07:12It's my wifey day, but it could be yours a morrow.
07:15Eh?
07:15Oh, you don't have to worry about that, do they?
07:17What do you mean?
07:18Well, you don't have to wait till the morrow.
07:20You've started your wife already.
07:21Eh?
07:21That's pathetic, that.
07:25I mean, I hate to see a man making a fool of himself, you know, chasing after everything
07:29in skirts.
07:30And getting them.
07:31Don't be too sure, Bambi.
07:34Our marriages are bonds of steel, right?
07:37Strong enough to withstand the vagaries of a vagabond gland like that.
07:41Aye.
07:42Because let's face it, boys.
07:44If our marriages weren't any strong enough to withstand it, then they wouldn't be worth
07:47fighting for in the first place.
07:49Am I right?
07:50Right.
07:51Oh, well.
07:57Bang goes that theory.
08:00Listen, boys.
08:00Even though our managers are any worth fighting for, come on, go on and beat a shite out of
08:04a bastard anyway.
08:06Three of us on to him.
08:08That's no exactly fair odds.
08:10Aye.
08:11You're right.
08:12Well, there's a rub.
08:14For only one.
08:16That's me, I like it.
08:17I'll talk to the big man.
08:19All right, rub.
08:19Now, as a matter of fact, I'm not all right.
08:23It's just a bit of bad news, Jimsy.
08:25Sorry, what's up?
08:26My mother's dead.
08:28Oh, Rab.
08:30It's like time with a wee cellar before I got to the hospital for her stuff, you know.
08:35I'm sorry to hear about that, Rab.
08:37That's tragic news.
08:40If it's any consolation, at least your mother can now rest tranquil on the silken sleeves
08:45of everlasting peace.
08:47You grab a hood of that boat, because we're going to stuff in that bastard lodger of yours,
08:52right?
08:53What do you mean?
08:55He's been messing about with our woman, and it's time somebody taught him a lesson.
08:59Aye.
08:59And the four of us are just the man to give him it.
09:01Are you with us, Rab?
09:02Leave me out of this.
09:04Yeah, wait a minute.
09:05No offence, Rab.
09:06This is all partly your fault, you know.
09:09My fault?
09:10How the hell do you make that out?
09:12Well, look at it logically.
09:13If your wife hadn't dumped you, then she wouldn't have had to go out and find a lodger, and
09:18we wouldn't be having a spot of bother in the first place.
09:20Aye.
09:21Marriage wrecker.
09:22Get your ass in gear.
09:23Oh, hey, go easy, wee man.
09:24His mother's just died, right?
09:27Died?
09:28I don't know.
09:30One dumps you, and the other again snuffs it.
09:33You're not exactly having much luck with a woman these days, are you, Rab?
09:35Just leave me there on us, will you?
09:40Eh, eh, no bad, eh, no bad.
09:44You see for yourself, Rab?
09:46Now, are you with us or against us?
09:49Look, I can't help you right now.
09:52I'm just too emotionally vulnerable.
09:57You hear that, boys?
09:59Emotionally vulnerable.
10:00Ooh.
10:01Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:02Ooh.
10:03Ooh.
10:03Ooh.
10:04Ooh.
10:04Ooh.
10:06Well, I don't know about yous, but when it comes to crushing fresh fruit in his biceps,
10:11I say it's time for action.
10:14Here, Nisbet.
10:16Sorry to hear about your mother.
10:19Here's one.
10:19On the house.
10:23Thanks very much, Nis.
10:32Who am I kidding?
10:33Something you've got to do, Nisbet, I'll leave you alone for a little while.
10:52Here, Nisbet.
10:53Hey, thanks very much.
10:54Thanks very much.
11:06Our business.
11:09Our business, right enough.
11:10the last of the props
11:16is knocked away for your life
11:19wife
11:22for her
11:24mother
11:28by no tears
11:33I'll no be greeting
11:38I'm waiting for myself anyway
11:42I'm going to be greeting for her
11:46selfish bastard that I am
11:50you know tears around me for this poxy life
11:54oh yeah
12:02how did it end as wee and
12:05fragile as that
12:08produce a fat article like me
12:12grab
12:18have you done your homework
12:20grab
12:22get us ten fags off your ice cream pan
12:26go on
12:26run
12:28mammy will time you
12:31there is no such thing as society
12:40tell that to any wee govan woman
12:45that's taken a turn of washing the stairs
12:48week in week out
12:49for the past sixty years
12:50the death of a decent generation
12:57that's what it is
12:58no tears for me boy
13:02what's the point in greeting
13:05for the money-slipping
13:07oxbridge
13:08shit
13:09whole world that it is
13:10with no tears for me boy
13:14with no bloody tears for me
13:18hey
13:25enough
13:28enough
13:30it's amazing but
13:31is everything alright
13:32alright
13:34alright
13:35I thought no
13:36other than this
13:38no bloody well
13:39alright
13:40you see that woman lying there
13:42you see that woman lying there
13:43that is my mother for good
13:44I had my mother
13:45one of the finest
13:46finest human beings
13:48ever to walk this earth
13:50yes I know
13:50I was look
13:51well look bloody well look
13:54I'm sorry
13:54she has not got her teeth in
13:57her group
13:59is a calcium free zone
14:01isn't it
14:02and this is a woman
14:04that was so self conscious
14:05she used to put a dish
14:06to her lower knees
14:07when she was watching the telly
14:09because she thought
14:10Trevor MacDonald
14:11could see up her bloody scalp
14:13oh my god's sake
14:16lying there like
14:17like a blood chicken
14:19for all the gawping eyes
14:21of the swine and world
14:22to see
14:23I mean it's no
14:25it's no difficult
14:27it's no difficult
14:28look
14:29teeth
14:30gulp
14:31gulp
14:31teeth
14:32I mean you don't
14:34exactly need a road map
14:36after the AA
14:37do you
14:38well tell you
14:40I'm telling you
14:41I'm telling you
14:42tell you
14:42is there a problem
14:44nurse
14:44it's Mr Nesbitt doctor
14:46he's going mad
14:47he's screaming
14:48and shouting
14:49and swearing
14:50I don't know
14:50what's wrong with him
14:51you don't know
14:52what's wrong with her
14:53his mother is dead
14:55how would you be
14:56of course
14:57silly of me
14:59let's go in again
15:01shall we
15:02he'll be quiet now
15:03they always are
15:06you bastards
15:07I don't see what I mean doctor
15:12let's try again
15:14shall we
15:15on
15:20go
15:20sorry about
15:33but that wee
15:36outburst her in
15:37you know
15:37nothing personal
15:40that's all right
15:42she said she was old
15:45you know
15:46and
15:47very
15:49very attached
15:51to that teacher
15:52like you
15:52you know
15:53this doesn't
15:58want to look good
15:59it's your dignity
16:01I understand
16:04Mr Nesbitt
16:04dignity
16:06there's just one thing
16:11what's that
16:13you've put them
16:16back in
16:16upside down
16:18when you're ready
16:26you can come downstairs
16:27and sign for
16:28her belongings
16:28do you fancy another Joe
16:44nah
16:45you know
16:47I've only got eyes
16:47for you
16:48I'll bet
16:48you know
16:50what I mean
16:51I would love to
16:52but you know
16:53what they say
16:54no money
16:55no fun
16:57a hell of pain
17:04are you sure
17:06positive
17:08right back sweetheart
17:11keep it warm
17:13oh
17:17oh Joe the gland
17:19gland to meet you
17:21I'm sorry
17:22aye
17:23a gland in the hand
17:24is worth a tush
17:25with a bush
17:26eh Joe
17:26well I see
17:28it's innuendo night
17:29is it
17:30right eat the breed
17:31you're done
17:31Andrew
17:34what
17:35I'm trying to look
17:37menacing here
17:39but
17:39I don't know
17:41what an innuendo is
17:42what does that matter
17:43he knows his score
17:44we don't like the way
17:45you're messing around
17:46with our women
17:47oh is that right
17:48well how should I be
17:50messing with him then
17:50right girl
17:54relax boys
17:55relax
17:55just kidding
17:56look I don't mean
17:58to give offence
17:59I'm a stranger here
18:01I'm just sitting
18:02over there
18:03with the gals
18:03having a bit of
18:04laugh and a drink
18:05last thing I want
18:06to do is cause
18:07any trouble
18:08good
18:08hey you
18:09you just keep it
18:11at me right
18:12cause we are
18:13govind men
18:14see
18:14and govind men
18:16I've only got
18:17one thing to say
18:18to guys
18:18that mess about
18:19with their women
18:20drink
18:21oh aye
18:21and what might that be
18:24oh
18:25oh
18:25oh
18:26oh
18:26oh
18:27oh
18:27oh
18:28oh
18:28oh
18:29no
18:29any chance
18:32of that
18:32drink
18:32you offered me
18:33earlier on
18:34right here
18:36kept it fine
18:37I tell you what
18:41I tell you what rabble
18:41know
18:42hey rab
18:42what is it
18:44govind men
18:45say to guys
18:46that mess about
18:46with their wives
18:47again
18:47only it's a kind
18:48of quiz question
18:49you know
18:49Rob
18:52Rob
18:52oh
18:53you're Mary's man
18:56that's me
18:57the alcoholic
18:58you'll be Mary's
19:03larger eh
19:03that's me
19:05the knob
19:07with the haircut
19:08in the end
19:08eat you
19:10oh
19:10I'm Mary's
19:12bomb
19:12and the one
19:12with the baseball bat
19:13and the finger
19:14on the police alarm
19:15be good boys
19:16for Noria
19:17boys right
19:21look why don't we
19:22just shake hands
19:23and make up eh
19:24oh I don't think so
19:26I don't know
19:29where your hands
19:29has been
19:30oh no
19:31well I'm pretty sure
19:33you've got a shrewd idea
19:34all over your wife
19:37oh
19:42sorry did I startle you
19:43just testing this wee beauty
19:45barman's comb
19:46we call it
19:47all baldy
19:48down to one side
19:49teeth down to the other
19:51brings the concept
19:52of customer service
19:53into the troublesome area
19:55of the
19:55Malky land
19:56know what I mean
19:57who you talking to
19:59enjoy your fracture
20:00sir
20:01why worry
20:05life's too short
20:07ain't that right
20:09Nisbet
20:09I wouldn't know
20:13oh it is
20:14ask your mammy
20:17hey babe ruth
20:17same again
20:19who are here
20:20well
20:24alright Jamesy
20:41I'm alright
20:42apart from this fist
20:44that is
20:44how did you
20:45take a swing
20:46at somebody
20:46no no
20:48it's just a
20:48a bit too far
20:49into the knuckle
20:50when I was crouching
20:51that corner
20:51shiting myself
20:52you know
20:53excuse me
20:54Norey
20:54Norey
20:55you haven't got a wee
20:56cotton bud
20:56in some debtor
20:57have you
20:58only I just don't want
20:59to take a chance
21:00at catching tetanus
21:01you know
21:01what
21:03what
21:04relax would you
21:17can't even relax
21:19I'm like oil spring
21:20queer things
21:29funerals
21:30ain't they
21:30eh
21:31all these creeps
21:33that don't show up
21:34for 40 years
21:35and then turn up
21:36squawking
21:37like a singer
21:38at a gallic wedding
21:39over the dear
21:40departed
21:40you know
21:41I mean look at
21:42this effort here
21:43I don't mean to
22:01interrupt your
22:02rhythm
22:02but
22:03my mother's name
22:05wasn't it
22:05Iza
22:06wasn't it
22:07no
22:08it was
22:09Rina
22:10bugger it
22:13I must be
22:14at the wrong
22:15funeral
22:16well here
22:18listen son
22:18you don't mind
22:19if I stay
22:20anyway
22:21do you
22:21only my bunions
22:23is getting me
22:24chip
22:24I know
22:25what I'm
22:26I says
22:26you
22:26you whining
22:27whining
22:28oh
22:28thanks son
22:29Rina
22:30oh Rina
22:33Rina
22:35why
22:36why
22:38between you
22:41and I
22:41I guess
22:42I waste
22:43her time
22:43going home
22:43I think
22:44she'll be
22:44lucky
22:44to make
22:44it to
22:45the
22:45spam
22:45tea
22:45you know
22:46what I'm
22:46saying
22:46are you
22:48sure
22:48about this
22:49Ella
22:49Joe's
22:50going to
22:51give me
22:51three
22:51toots
22:51in his
22:52van
22:52that's
22:53the signal
22:53to go
22:53I'm all
22:54prepared
22:55oh
22:55nice bag
22:56Ella
22:56Joe
22:58got me
22:58it's
22:58special
22:59it was
23:00meant to
23:00be an
23:00engagement
23:00ring
23:01but the
23:02ram reader
23:02hit the
23:02rang
23:03short
23:03windy
23:03he must
23:05think
23:05a lot
23:06of
23:06Ella
23:06he does
23:07Mary
23:07he does
23:08hello
23:09Mary
23:09oh
23:10it's
23:10still
23:11nice bag
23:12do you
23:13like it
23:14Joe
23:14got me
23:15it's
23:15special
23:15it was
23:16meant to
23:17be an
23:17engagement
23:17ring
23:18but
23:18don't
23:18tell me
23:19the ram
23:20raider
23:20hit the
23:20wrong
23:20short
23:21windy
23:21you
23:23psychic
23:24no
23:24but I'm
23:25rapidly
23:26gaining
23:26the gift
23:27of
23:27prophecy
23:27three
23:28toots
23:29in his
23:29van
23:29outside
23:29the
23:29crematorium
23:30is it
23:31oh
23:32here
23:32that's
23:33uncanny
23:34I'm
23:34just
23:35saying
23:35Ella
23:35that's
23:36aye
23:37isn't
23:38it
23:38just
23:39I
23:41can't
23:41understand
23:42I
23:43scoped
23:44did
23:44me
23:44in
23:44the
23:44shop
23:45don't
23:47worry
23:48Ella
23:48I
23:48think
23:49you
23:49get
23:49away
23:49with
23:49it
23:49let
23:59us
24:00pray
24:00in
24:04the
24:04midst
24:05of
24:05life
24:05we
24:06are
24:07in
24:07death
24:07the
24:09Lord
24:09giveth
24:10and
24:10the
24:18Lord
24:18taketh
24:19away
24:19blessed
24:21be the
24:22name
24:22of the
24:22Lord
24:23would you
24:26like a
24:27cup of
24:27tea
24:27son
24:28I'm
24:29having
24:30one
24:30myself
24:30are
24:32you
24:32sure
24:33you
24:38all right
24:38Rob
24:39I
24:41am
24:41all right
24:42Mary
24:42though
24:42you
24:46think
24:46you
24:48have
24:48some
24:48con
24:49this
24:49funeral
24:49carry
24:50on
24:50ain't
24:50it
24:51eh
24:51that
24:52undertaker
24:56is doing
24:57that
24:57stare
24:57right
24:58this
24:58minute
24:58wanting
24:59some
24:59scam
25:00with
25:00brass
25:01handles
25:01off
25:02that
25:02coffin
25:02me
25:02you
25:04mark
25:04my
25:04words
25:04you
25:05have
25:05a
25:05sick
25:06mind
25:06raveness
25:07but
25:07there
25:09we are
25:09stood
25:12me in
25:12good
25:12state
25:13up
25:13didn't
25:13you
25:13haven't
25:13it
25:14death
25:16is a
25:16time
25:17for
25:17quiet
25:18reflection
25:19a
25:33at least
25:33at least
25:34it
25:35used
25:35to be
25:36It's me!
25:37You get a load as well!
25:38It's me!
25:39It's me!
25:40It's me!
25:41.
25:42It's me!
25:43It's me!
25:44You get a load as well, you!
25:45It's me!
25:46It's me!
25:47It's me!
25:48You get a load as well, you!
25:49It's me!
25:50It's me!
25:51I like you!
25:52I like you!
25:53Ah!
25:54With some other dolls.
25:55I've all were booked.
25:57Let's settle this right now, Joe.
25:59Who are you taking away?
26:00Me or her?
26:02Dolls!
26:03Dolls!
26:04What can I say?
26:05say. I mean, I never dreamt it Bathy would turn up. I thought one out of two in a one
26:10a watch, you know. But like I say, you can never tell with life. I mean, it's a funny
26:16old game right enough, eh? I mean, I'm driving along on my way here. Pulls over to some grotty
26:21old corner shop for some fags and guess what?
26:28You only get one life and you've got to take your chances. Ain't that right, Joe?
26:33Out to the mouth of babes. I feel humiliated. What about you, Estelle? Me? Nah. You were
27:02the one that was going to run away with him. What do you mean? So were you. Well, what
27:07I could do that idea. Huh? I was just on my way up the laundrette.
27:19Oh, I love you, Mary Nesbitt.
27:21And I love you, Rab. But I'm still no sure we should be doing this in a crematorium.
27:27Oh, how no, Mary. Oh, God. Something that's rounded about. After all, one's gone and the other
27:41one's gone and the other one's gone and the other one's gone and the other one's gone.
27:48Sorry, Mary doll. I'm not embarrassed. Ten seconds.
27:53I apologise, Rab. For you, ten seconds usually includes the time for the cigarette as well.
28:00So don't let it be in your mind, eh? Rab. Rab. Rab.
28:09High.
28:24Oh, my God.
28:29quan